Foundations
by Miss Baby
Summary: Sequel to My Mistakes were Made for You. Edward and Bella were set to enjoy their happily ever after but fate had other plans. What will happen when a blast from the past shakes the foundations of their relationship? AU/AH/Canon pairings
1. It's good to be back?

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Hi Everyone! I'm Back! After completing Carlisle's Angels I decided to focus on this one since I was getting all kinds of ideas for it. I'm incredibly nervous about posting this though. The decision to write a sequel wasn't one I made lightly and I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel that Edward and Bella hadn't told me their entire story. I'm very happy with the way my outline for this story turned out but still.....I'm completely freaked out with the fact that I'm ruining everything (yeah, I'm a complete drama queen)**_

_**If you read the AN in the epilogue of My Mistakes were Made for You you'll know that this story will bring heartfail but we won't be getting to that for quite a few chapters. The build up will be slow and gradual and there will be plenty of fluff and banter before we get there. **_

_**This story picks up about four months after the events in My Mistakes' epilogue., though there will be flashbacks dealing with events in the past. **_

_**Okay. On with the show.......**_

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**It's good to be back?**

_**September 2009**_

"_My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations....and I know that I should let go, but I can't......." _The voice of Kate Nash sang through the room, waking me up with all of her bitching and whining about her failed relationship.

I groaned, rolling over in bed with my head still buried in my pillow as I slammed the button on my alarm clock, killing all evil sounds.

How could anyone sing so chipper about losing the person I assumed she had been crazy about at one point? If it were me I would be totally devastated. But then again......I couldn't imagine myself ever being in a situation like hers. Not with Edward by my side.

Edward.

I reached over to the other side of the bed, feeling for the warm, godlike body of my husband but sighed with discontentment when my hand found nothing but empty tangled bedlinen. Of course I knew the bed would be empty apart from me. Edward had already left. He had an early shift today, allowing him to pick Libby up from school and spending some alone time with both of our kids before I got home.

I envied him. It was stupid really. For almost four moths I had had unlimited time with Masen and over the summer with Libby as well. How could I be jealous of my wonderful husband when he got one afternoon with them.

The answer was simple: because I wouldn't be there. For the first time since he was born I wouldn't be near my little boy. I would be stuck in a classroom filled with college undergraduates working on my career.

Why did I think that was a good idea again? Had it really been because I was too stubborn to give in to Edward's suggestion of staying at home for one more semester?

I knew Edward was worried sick about me going back to work. He was afraid that juggling motherhood and my job would be too much. I knew he would be watching me like a hawk for signs of nervous exhaustion and would step in as soon as he saw the first cracks on the surface. The saddest thing was that right now I was more than willing to let him. Now that the first day of the new semester was finally here I wasn't so sure anymore if I really had made the right decision. Was I really as ready to be parted from my baby boy as I thought myself to be?

No.

I wanted this.

For almost four months I had been whining about missing work and doing what I could with the limited resources I had at home. I couldn't just back out now that the moment had come for me to go back. I just had to man – er....woman – up and get through this day.

I loved teaching and I loved my job........But I also loved my son.

"Mommy wake up!" Libby squealed, bounding into my room pixie style before flinging herself on the mattress next to me. At least she was already fully dressed and – judging by the look of it – ready to go.

"Give me a minute sweetie."

"But it's my first day in second grade!" she yelled, effectively killing all hopes I had of waking up slowly.

"Why don't you go wait downstairs and I'll be down in a minute, okay?" I groaned, knowing there was no fighting her off once Libby got into full action mode. She had probably been up since five AM, working herself into a frenzy over her first day back at school, so I really couldn't even blame her for being all perky and active at this ungodly hour.

"Okay," she shrugged before hopping down from the bed again. "Daddy left you these."

I pried one eye open seeing Libby holding a perfect bush rose in one hand and a little envelope in the other. "He left them on the bed but they fell when I jumped on."

"That's okay sweetie," I croaked, taking both of them from her as she skipped out of the room again.

Opening the little envelope I spotted a small note holding a message written in Edwards elegant script.

_The rose reminded me of you: beautiful and with a blush that could melt even the coldest of hearts. Good luck on your first day back my love. I will be thinking of you all day._

_Edward._

A tear slipped down my cheek as I read his wonderful message. How he had found the time to think of amazing romantic things like that I didn't know. With the end of his residency crawling closer every day he had been very busy of late.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and wrote him a gushing message, knowing that he would probably be in surgery right now, my eyes flickering to the note and the rose about every second. When I was done I took a quick shower and brushed my teeth before walking back into my room again with a towel draped around my body to where two outfits were waiting for me on the love seat next to my closet door.

My eyes darted from one pile of clothes to the other. I knew which of the two I wanted to wear today but that wasn't the most important question I needed to be asking myself right now. The most important question was would I dare choose the outfit I had selected and risk invoking the wrath of the fashion fairy?

"It's only clothes," I muttered annoyed at my own hesitance. "And anyway, it's not as if she'd notice...."

I quickly grabbed the pile consisting of my own comfortable yet dressy straight legged dark gray pants, matching tailored jacket and thin deep blue blouse and started pulling them on. Alice had yawned at my selection and casually asked me if I wanted to bore my students to death before the class had even started before pulling out a garment bag holding her ideal 'first day back' outfit.

I snorted, looking over at the carefully laid out selection of clothes my sister in law had left for me. Imagine me wearing a skirt so tight you could only move by hopping forward and a very fashionable yet highly uncomfortable ocher blouse. It was the new power suit according to Alice but the only power I could see it having over me was the ability to make me flat on my face and embarrass the hell out of myself.

Nope, I liked my choice better and it sure felt a lot better on my body.

I slipped into a pair of dark blue ballet flats before making my way over to the nursery to feed my little boy and get him ready for his first day in the care of another person.

Much to my joy Masen was starting to look more like his daddy every day. His eyes had turned to that same bright green color I loved so much and even right after he was born it was clear his hair was just as stubborn as Edwards was as well. It even had that same reddish glow about it though it appeared Masen's hair was just a touch darker than Edwards.

Edward had been amazing over the last couple of months and with every little note or flower he had left for me I felt myself falling more and more in love with him. My pregnancy had been so much easier with him being there, taking care of me even when he had to work crazy hours at the hospital. I knew he wanted to make up for everything he had missed with Libby and even though I had to slow him down at some point to keep him from keeling over with exhaustion, the sparkle in his eyes whenever he sat on the couch with Masen in his arms and Libby hanging over him made me feel like the luckiest woman that ever lived. I still didn't think I deserved him but I wasn't as afraid of losing him as I had been. The things we had gone through had made us stronger and having Masen had only solidified that bond.

I hated having to wake Masen up for his feeding. It felt unnatural to wake a child when he was still sleeping but unfortunately it had to be done if I was going to make it out of the house in time. Masen had to be fed and bathed and I couldn't do that while he was asleep.

I had to admit I would probably feel even worse then I was feeling right now if I had to hand him over to a complete stranger in a couple of hours. The thing that was holding me together right now was the fact that it was Rose, my formidable sister in law, who would be taking care of him until Edward would pick him up this afternoon.

I trusted Rose. I knew she was a great mother to little Charlie and that she would be an excellent babysitter for my little boy but that didn't mean I liked being away from him just one bit.

Be strong Bella. You can handle this. You have to handle this. Remember the promise you made yourself all those years ago when you were pregnant with Libby.......

If I was being completely honest with myself I would have to admit that part of my eagerness to get back to work still had to do with the things my mom had said to me when she had found out I was pregnant and the promise I had made to myself after my breakdown. I would proof that being a mother wouldn't stand in the way of achieving whatever goal I had set for myself. And I was determined to – one day – be a university professor.

After taking care of Masen's needs I brought him downstairs with me where Libby had already prepared herself a bowl of cereal and was munching her breakfast down while watching some noisy cartoon.

"What did I tell you about watching television in the morning?" I asked, scolding myself for not paying more attention to her. I clearly had to work out a better morning routine. "I don't mind it that much sweetheart," I sighed, seeing the guilty loom on my daughters face, "but you know you have to ask me first."

"Sorry mom," she said in a tiny voice. "Can Masen sit with me while you have breakfast?"

"Sure honey," I said, carefully pushing the baby chair next to Libby.. "Just be careful."

"Of course," she huffed indignantly. Libby was crazy about her little brother and took every opportunity she got to take care of him. I had been a bit nervous about that at first – what with her being so young – but she took my breath away. Between my clumsiness and her gentle care I sometimes even thought Masen was safer in her tiny little hands!

I fixed myself a quick bowl of cereal, poured a glass of OJ and a huge mug of strong coffee as I heard Libby prattle on and on about how she thought her day would go, Masen answering her in his own little language while trying to reach for her breakfast.

"No silly!" Libby laughed, taking his tiny hand in hers as she scooped up another spoonful of her breakfast. "That's mine! You already had your breakfast and if you eat too much your tummy will hurt and you'll feel all yucky."

I snorted at her repeating the same things I had told her over and over again, all be it in her own Libby way. Masen found it less amusing. He let out a frustrated wail as Libby moved a little further away from him, protecting her cereal from Masen's tiny hands.

"And how are you going to eat it anyway?" she continued scolding him as she scooped up another spoonful of her breakfast. "You don't even have any teeth silly!"

My fun was cut short by the ringing of the phone. "Bella Cullen," I announced picking up.

"_You'd better be wearing the clothes I picked out for you,"_ a high-pitched voice warned.

"Sure I am," I lied, glad Alice wasn't able to see me right now. "And good morning Alice."

"_Hi," _she replied quickly. _"Now go upstairs and change right now,"_ she commanded.

"Why on earth would I do that?" I quipped.

"_Because you're wearing those ugly clothes you picked. Now go change." _

"Listen Alice," I growled, annoyed that not only had the little pixie guessed that I had been lying to her but also by the way she bossed me around. "It's my life. I'm wearing what I want to wear."

"But....."

"If you wanted me to wear whatever you picked then you should have chosen something you knew I would be comfortable with. Not something so preposterous I would be laughed out of my classroom before I even stepped into it. It's university, not the runway."

"_Sorry,"_ she sighed. _"I guess I did get a little carried away." _

"What was up with that?" I asked while one handedly throwing the things I needed for work into my bag. "You usually get it right."

"_It's just that so much stuff has been going on lately.....,"_ she sighed. _"Would it be okay if I came over later today?" _

"I have to work all afternoon but you're welcome to drop by after I'm done," I replied. "Edward's finished early today. He's been missing you."

"_I know,"_ she said. _"I miss him as well but I kind of want to talk to you alone...."_

"Would tomorrow afternoon be okay?" I suggested "I've got a class at eleven but I'll be done after that."

"_That's great,_" she assured me, completely back to her old chipper self. _"I'll bring the cookies." _

"Sure Alice," I chuckled. "Love ya."

"_Good luck Bella!"_ she squealed before hanging up. A look at the clock told me I was officially running behind.

"Libby baby, are you ready?' I called through the house.

"All done mommy," Libby squealed, jumping up and down in front of me dressed to the nines in her pale yellow summer coat and the brand new outfit Alice and she had put together.

"Good sweetie," I praised, accumulation all of my own stuff before safely securing Libby and Masen in their car seats and making my way to Rose's.

My car – a brand new dark blue Audi A6 – still had that new car smell that made it kind of foreign to me. I was sure, however, that between Masen, Libby and myself we'd remedy that soon enough.

The car had been a present from Edward when I was pregnant. He thought having my own car would make life a little easier for me.

I guess no one told him that with me being pregnant and hormonal doing something that would usually just piss me off - such as spending insane amounts of money on a car I didn't even need – would invoke a nuclear reaction.

My poor baby.

It had been two days before I even allowed him to come close enough to apologize, and refused to even look at the car for another week. I guess he would be mightily smug if he knew just how much I had grown to like my car. Not, of course, because it was expensive and could go faster than anyone had business driving in an urban setting, but because it got me around town much faster than my own two feet could, something that came in handy when two small kids caused you to be late for just about everything.

As I made my way through the busy morning rush hour traffic I thought back on my slightly strange conversation with Alice. I guess her more bossy than usual behavior had something to do with her crazy schedule of late.

Though she was a fashion obsessed, sometimes frighteningly shallow little thing she was also a very shrewd business woman who had an uncanny ability to be at the right place at the right time. Somehow this ability had allowed her to prosper even in a time where the economy made the life of a personal stylist virtually impossible.

She had somehow through her work attracted the attention of the movie world and had been asked, just about a year ago, to be the chief wardrobe stylist for a movie about the life of some highclass New York fashionista. Since then the movie had become a huge success and Alice had been bombarded as 'the next best thing' in styling or – as some magazine Alice pushed into my face called her – the Rachel Zoe for people who do like to eat.

Of course Alice had to explain that one to me.

Her relationship with Jasper was still going strong. They were still living together in my old apartment and – even though I hadn't seen as much as I would like of the two of them lately – were doing great.

After a summer of doubts Jasper had decided to stay on at Columbia Prep. He figured that if he could hold out for another year the Volturi offspring – and with them most of his issues with the school – would be gone. Fortunately for him both Jane and Alec had ended up in poor Max Medina's class, driving the man insane with all of their questions and snide remarks.

Zafrina had not been so lucky. Apparently Jane thought herself quite the artist and nothing Zafrina could have said or done could persuade her otherwise. According to Zafrina poor Jane had the aesthetic abilities of a giraffe and the imagination of a housefly but she still thought she was the next best thing. The day Zafrina told her she had failed the class – thus ending Jane's dream of being the next Van Gogh and messing up her academic record – had been a memorable day in the schools history indeed.

Aro had been furious, both with Jane for being a failure and with Zafrina for having the nerve to 'award' his precious offspring a D minus for her work of art, and had stomped through the school like a mammoth in heat. In the end it had lead to a classic standoff in the middle of the corridor in which Zafrina had told Aro to go screw himself and his lousy job before she walked out of the building amidst loud cheers from the pupils and even some of the staff. She was now working part time as a tour guide at MoMa while working on her own projects as well.

"Why can't I take Masen to school with me mommy?" Libby questioned as we were waiting in front of a stoplight. "I want to show everyone how cute my little brother is."

"Maybe some other time when I don't have to work sweetheart," I smiled, shooting a quick glance at her via the rear view mirror before turning into the street where Rose and Emmett lived. Edward would have been proud to see me driving above the 'granny limit' as he called it. Proud or completely livid since I had our two children in the car with me.

We managed to get to Rose and Emmet's apartment right on schedule and as Libby greeted the doorman with her usual enthusiasm I lifted Masen out of the car seat and wrapped him up tightly in my arms. It would be hard to leave him today, since it was the first day we would be spending the majority of our time apart.

I remembered going through the same thing with Libby, though it had been even harder with her. It was just a phase, or so I kept telling myself. Just another step in being a mother to my child. I could do this. I could be a good mom and a good university teacher. Even if I had to abandon my little Masen for now.......

"Hard day?" Rose smirked as she opened the door to see me buried in the stroller, breathing in Masen's scent as tears started leaking out of my eyes.

"You have no idea," I sighed.

"Or wouldn't you rather....."

"Stop it Rose," I growled, handing my baby over to her with a heavy heart. "Did Edward pay you to ask me that?"

"Nope," she giggled. "I went through the same thing, remember?"

"Yeah, I know," I sighed, rolling my eyes.

Rose had gone back to work when Charlie was about six months old but it had taken her only a few hours to decide she wasn't cut out to be a working mom. At least....not one who worked at the offices of a fashion magazine. She had quit her job the moment that realization hit her and never looked back. Over the last couple of months she had helped Alice out with the administrative aspects of her job and had started her own little project: working on a baby brother or sister for Charlie.

"You'll make it work babe," she reassured me. "If there's anyone who can it's you. Now go kick some university ass."

"Rose!" I hissed, looking between my sister in law and Libby who was still standing next to me.

"Yeah well.....you know what I meant," she chuckled. "Now go before I chase you out of the building!"

"Fine," I sighed, kissing Masen one last time. "His bottles are in the diaper bag and....."

"I'm sure I'll manage," Rose interrupted me. "Now shoo."

"But....."

"Out!" she growled.

"Fine," I sighed. "Be nice to auntie Rose, baby." Masen didn't even stir as I kissed him one last time before Rose pushed me over the threshold and practically slammed the door shut in my face.

"Bitch!" I growled.

"Isn't that a bad word?" Libby giggled next to me.

"Mommy didn't say that," I blushed, herding Libby back into the elevator.

"Yes you did," Libby replied indignantly. "I heard you. I'm not stupid."

"Okay," I sighed. "I said it and you're right. It is a dirt word. Please don't repeat it and NEVER tell daddy I used a bad word in front of you."

"Don't worry mommy," Libby beamed, taking my hand. "I pinky swear never to tell daddy."

"That's sweet of you," I smiled back before strapping her back into her car seat. "Now let's get you to school."

"Yay!" Libby squealed, clapping her hands together. I had never seen a kid more eager to go to school than my daughter. She loved learning new things and testing her own little theories. Plus, with her begin a very social and outgoing little girl school and all of the new friends to be made there, were just fun.

Libby kept firing questions at me about a thousand little things on our short drive over to the school. She would remark on strange things she saw in the street, words she didn't understand or her own little theories behind those words. It was actually a good thing I had her with me in the car to take my mind off leaving my son behind or I would have been bawling like a little kid right now. As it was I would just have to suck it up and act as cheerful as I could while dropping Libby off at her school.

"We're here!" she yelled as we pulled up in front of the tall brick building that housed the school.

"Wait for me to come help you out of the car," I warned, seeing how she was already starting to unfasten the claps of her car seat. I knew she couldn't get out of the car on her own because of the childproof locks but she had to learn how to be patient and listen to what other people were saying or she would slowly morph into some kind of Hermione Granger type smartass.

I walked her into the building to introduce her and myself to her new teacher, a strong looking woman with a kind smile, as Libby darted off to chat with some of her classmates before coming back to demand I take a look at the class's pet rabbit.

"I've got to go now sweetie," I sighed, "be good to your teacher and don't ask too many questions okay? Let her get used to you before you open fire."

"Okay mommy," she squealed, her arms wrapping around my neck as she placed a big, sloppy kiss on my cheek. "Bye bye!" She disentangled herself from me before skipping into the classroom leaving me standing there in front of the windows with a huge smile on my lips.

My baby was all grown and on her way to pawn second grade. I hoped her teacher knew what she was in for.

My smile vanished as soon as I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall in front of me. Almost nine. Crap! I had wanted to be really really early on my first day back but now I had to settle for 'just' early. With my first real class starting in 'T' minus two hours I knew I would be cutting it close if I wanted to stick to my own, carefully planned out, schedule.

I crossed the street and navigated around the university campus, once again thankfull that Libby's school was so close to work. I parked my car and made my way over to the Philosophy Hall where the English Literature and Humanities staff resided.

It was like I had never left even though between my maternity leave and the summer holiday I had been away for quite a while. I had worked for as long as I was possible while pregnant with Masen, much to both Edward and professor Bell's frustration. The two of them had been fussing over me like a bunch of mother geese up to the point where I started suspecting they had made a pact to get me to go home and be bored to death waiting for the baby to come out.

I loved my job even though I had missed teaching at first. Sure, Stefan had allowed me to teach some of the classes in the Core Curriculum dealing with 19th century English literature – my field of expertise – but it wasn't the same as being responsible for a group of students and working towards something. For the most part, however, I had busied myself doing research and coursework for my doctorate degree.

I had worked my ass off that first year to get everything done before giving birth, trying to get the coursework completed before going on maternity leave so that I could start working on the research for my doctoral thesis when I got back.

I made it, though I still don't know how I managed. I had to admit that being around me those last few months probably hadn't been much fun. I had tried to make it up to Libby and Edward by taking them out on little trips and just by doing little things for them at home, even though with the new baby to take care of I hadn't done as much as I would have liked. I would have to make it up to them as soon as I got my new routine up and running.

I walked into the corridor where the offices of the English Literature teaching staff were located while trying to come up with something romantic to do with Edward on the weekend when the voice of Stefan Bell, my former university professor and current supervisor drifted through the open door of his office.

"Bella my dear! It's so good to have you back again."

"Good morning, professor," I smiled, stepping into his office.

"How often do I have to tell you to start calling me Stefan?" he chuckled.

"Always once more, sir," I retorted. I had been completely dumbfounded those first few weeks working with all of my old professors. Even now, after working there for more than a year, I still had trouble calling them by their first names. It just didn't sound right.....

"I'll make you forget you were my student one day," he mused. "But until then I will just have to resign myself to being your professor. Now pray tell me....how are you this fine morning?"

"Good," I shrugged. "A little nervous."

"And why might that be?" he inquired, folding his hands underneath his chin and leaning his head on them while peeking at me over the thick rims of his antique looking glasses. "I know that the strange breed knowns as the student population of these hallowed halls may seen like a barbarian horde descending upon us poor unsuspecting teachers but really.....apart from some nasty personal hygiene issues and somewhat less than wholesome extracurricular activities they are fine once you get to know them. Nothing to be scared about."

"You've been reading too much Shakespeare," I laughed, shaking my head at him. "And it's not the students I'm nervous about. At least....not per se. It's more that I'm a bit anxious about how they are going to react to me."

"You mean to you being a mere humble teaching fellow instead of a professor?" he asked.

"Yes,"I nodded. "You could put it like that."

"Don't worry your pretty little head my dear," professor Bell soothed. "I am sure your students will recognize your quality when they see it. You have an excellent knowledge of the course you'll be teaching this semester and – knowing you – you will be more than prepared for every eventuality that may ensue."

I chuckled. He knew me too well. Over the last few months I had invested every spare moment I had in organizing this class. Sure, the topic it dealt with – nineteenth century English literature – was right up my alley, but that didn't mean I shouldn't be prepared.

"Are you sure you're ready to start working again?" Stefan asked, leaning slightly forward as his face went from amused to concerned. "You know....I would be happy to take over your classes if you feel like waiting a little while longer......."

"Will you please stop fussing over me like?" I laughed. "I'm not as brittle as all of your frail Victorian heroins!"

"You tell yourself that Bella my dear," Stefan smiled. "Someone has to look out for you, even if you don't."

"Has Edward been sending a group memo to everyone I know?" I huffed. What was it with everyone thinking I was going to collapse any minute? Did they really think me that weak? "I can take care of myself you know? I'm a grown woman!"

"We only ask you those things because we care about you," he replied a little shaken by the fierceness of my reaction. "Combining motherhood with a challenging and fairly new job has to be difficult and...."

"I know," I sighed. "And I'm sorry for the way I snapped at you. It's just that with everyone treating me like I can fall apart at any moment I'm starting to doubt myself at times."

"That was the last thing I intended to do," the professor answered. "Just know that if you need me I will be here. I know I'm supposed to be your supervisor but I'd like to think of us as friends too. I know we were before you started out here."

"You are," I assured him, patting his hand as I stood. "And I feel comforted by your concern for my wellbeing, even if I have a strange way of showing it. Wish me luck."

"You don't need it," he smiled, squeezing my hand slightly. "I know you'll do great. You have it in you to make an exceptional professor Bella. Don't doubt that."

"Thank you," I said, making my way towards the door. His words made me feel a little bit better equipped to face my first class.

One one more hour before it started.

I spend that hour going over the syllabus and my notes one final time to see if I had everything I needed. This first class would be just an introduction to the course and a read through of the required texts, but I wanted to give my students a good idea of what I expected of them.

"Professor Cullen?" A girl I didn't recognize came in holding a stack of papers.

"Yes?" I asked, looking up from my papers. It still felt strange being called a professor. Strange and slightly wrong. I knew it was common practice to address the teaching staff of the university by that title but I hadn't earned that yet. I guess I would just have to get used to it.

"I have a revised version of the list of students enrolled in your class," she announced timidly, placing a document ion my desk.

"Ah, thank you," I replied, trying to reassure her with a smile. "You're new here?"

"I am," she nodded. "I only started out here today. I'm Jenny Healy, third year English student."

"Bella Cullen," I replied, shaking her hand. "But then again...you probably knew that already."

"I better get going," she said, blushing slightly. "I have all these papers to deliver before everyone leaves for their classes."

"Good luck," I called after her.

"Good luck to you too," she waved before she disappeared down the corridor.

Noticing the time I realized I had to move if I wanted to make it to my classroom in time to prepare. I studied the list of students as I made my way through the building, smiling when I recognized some of the names from the few classes I had taught last year and even some from my days as a highschool teacher.

However when I came to the bottom of the paper my smile faltered and I stopped dead in my tracks, scanning the paper more closely to see if I maybe I was wrong.

Nope. There it was, in clear bold printed letters.

_J.A. Volturi._

I knew those initials well. I had seen them dozens of times. They stood for Jane Arabella Volturi. The former bane of my existence.

"Damn!" I muttered, feeling all my carefully built up confidence deflate. I thought the little miscreant had her mind set on studying law at Harvard. What the hell was she doing here?

"Okay Bella," I whispered, giving myself a much needed pep talk as I stood on the threshold of the classroom. "You can do this. Think happy thoughts."

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_**Jane is back! Will she be changed or will she still be up to her old antics?**_

_**I know this chapter may seem a little awkward at times. It's because I'm finding it a little harder than anticipated to pick up where I left off with the epilogue of My Mistakes. I hope this chapter wasn't too awkward though.**_

_**What will Bella be thinking off to mentally arm herself for the first showdown with Jane? Her 'happy thoughts' will be discussed in the second chapter, which is going to be a flashback chapter. There will be more of those throughout this story though only a few will be told in Bella's POV.**_

**_For the time being I won't be able to update as often as I was for My Mistakes. For now I will only post one chapter a week but as soon as I get back into my rhythm I might be able to go back to posting twice a week again._**

_**Please let me know what you thought of this while I go chew on what's left of my nails. **_


	2. Island in the sun

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**_Wow. To say I was blown out of the water by the amount of reviews and alerts this story has gathered already would be putting it lightly. I am dumbstruck.....completely awed and unimaginable happy. Its such a comfort and inspiration to know that people want to read what I write. Thank you all............and keep 'em coming please ;-)_**

**_A little warning. This chapter is the first of the flashback chapters and it's set during the honeymoon on Isle Esme. Remember what Bella and Edward set out to do? Yep. Here be smut._**

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Island in the sun.

_**August 2008**_

"Where are we going daddy?" Libby asked again. It had been a question that both Libby and I had repeated over and over again ever since we had left Chicago yesterday evening.

"Yeah Edward," I chimed in, as eager to know our destination as our daughter. "I hope you're not planning to spend our honeymoon on this little thing!"

We were currently cruising at breakneck speed over the smooth surface of the South Atlantic with Rio de Janeiro behind us and nothing but sea and waves in front of us.

"Do you see that tiny dot ahead of you?" Edward yelled over the noise of the motor roaring beneath us, one hand pointing straight ahead. "That's where we are going."

"I can see it!' Libby squealed, almost poking her own eyes out with her binoculars as she jumped up and down on deck. If I wasn't so afraid of her falling out of this contraption we were in the sight of my tiny girl wearing a huge life jacket, hopping up and down while spitting out the strands of hair that we blowing into her mouth would have made me giggle.

"Libby please sit down, you're making me nervous," I yelled, trying to pry the binoculars away from her hands to take a look at what all the fuss was about.

Edward had been as secretive about his plans for our honeymoon as ever, making my fears of him spending insane amounts of money stronger with every refusal to drop even as much as a clue about where we were going. He hadn't even allowed me to pack my own luggage, giving the task to Alice instead.

So now apart from wondering where the hell he was taking us and what that meant as to the amount of money he had spend on this trip I also had to worry about what Alice had planned for me to wear.

The wedding reception had been amazing, though it had left me completely exhausted. Between having to remember the names of members of Edward's family I had only seen once before – at the new year's party – and not tripping over my dress or spilling drinks or food on the pristine white fabric I had been a nervous wreck even before we had come to the bit where I had to actually get up from my seat and dance.

In the absence of a father Emmett was more than happy to stand in for the traditional father-daughter dance but the problem with us was that we were neither exactly blessed in the graceful department. After a few moments of awkward shuffling on the dance floor he had been more than happy to hand me back to Edward with a grin and a small pat on my rear.

Dancing with Edward had been as effortless as ever. He was such a natural dancer and when I was in his arms it was as if my whole body just bended to his will. He could make me do things I had never held imaginable, like twirl around the dance floor with a grace that had Emmett and my mom gawking at us with open mouths. I had been almost sad when the music faded and he brought me back to my seat again. It was just another example of the crazy power he held over my body I guess. He could make it do all sorts of freaky things I had never imagined myself capable of. Dancing being only one of those things.

After the party had come to a close Carlisle and Esme had brought Edward, myself and a sleeping Libby over to the airport where the game of trying to find out where we were going had started. We had boarded a plane towards LA but something had told me that wasn't going to be our final destination.

Libby and I had spend most of our flight there trying every trick in the book to get Edward to confess his plans to us but it had been a quest destined for failure from the beginning. I swear, that man should have gotten into government intelligence or something because I'm sure he wouldn't even have fessed up if I started torturing him with white hot pokers.

We had finally admitted defeat somewhere during our lay over in LA settling for wild speculation instead, especially when we found out our connecting flight would lead us to Rio. Edward had just chuckled and leaned back in his seat while doing some research on his laptop and ignoring our questions.

Evil, evil man.

The great master plan – as he called it – had started once we landed at the airport. We were escorted to a glamorous, vintage car as soon as we had collected out bags and had been taken for a tour around town while our bags were taken care of by a man who Edward introduced to us as Luiz. After we had seen the sights of the city our driver had dropped us off at the marina where we had started the last leg of our journey.

"Can you see it, love?" Edward asked, slowing the boat down as we were nearing our destination.

"It's an island?" I asked, spotting the tiny strip of land rising out of the sea in the distance.

"It is," he nodded, his evil smirk letting me know that was all he was going to say for now.

As we got closer I could see more of the island we were headed towards. It appeared to be small and consisted mainly of a hill or small mountain rising up from the sea, overgrown with vegetation. From its highest point it sloped gently towards the sea and the small beach covering the boundary between land and water. As far as I could see there was only one building, a rectangular three story wooden house that was painted in a bright light blue with white shutters lining the big windows and a white a porch wrapped around the ground floor.

"Please tell me that's a hotel," I gasped, realizing we were headed towards what was probably a private island.

"Do you really want me to lie to you?" Edward chuckled. "Or would you prefer it if I just told you the truth?"

"Dear lord," I groaned, sagging back in my seat.

"I thought you'd appreciate the privacy," Edward went on, still laughing at my shock.

"Then you should have rented a secluded condo on the beach or something," I hissed. "Who the hell do you think you are? Richard Branson?"

"Nope," he grinned, steering the boat towards a wooden jetty on the beach.

I had to admit it looked beautiful in the brilliant light of the afternoon sun. From what I could tell the building was sitting in an open space a few yards away from the ocean at the spot where the beach ended and the ground started to slope upwards. Still.....it looked expensive.

Very expensive.

Even for a Cullen.

"How much did you pay for this?" I huffed, waving towards the magnificent house. "You could have probably fed the entire population of a small third world country with what you spend!"

"You'd be surprised at how cheep it really was," Edward grinned, still unimpressed by my anger. "In fact.....I only had to pay for it with one kiss."

"You did what?" I growled my frustration replaced by a seething rage I didn't even know I had in me. Edward remained as stoic as ever, his attention focused solely on mooring the boat at the jetty and helping Libby disembark. It only increased the boiling fury that raged inside me. "What the hell Edward? You kissed some filthy skank just so you could take me here?"

"I'll tell Esme you think so highly of her," he snickered, holding his hand out for me after he had lifted Libby onto the jetty.

"What.....wait a minute.....Esme owns this island?" I needed a minute to let his words sink in.

"Yep," Edward nodded, still highly amused. "It was a present from Carlisle actually."

"Carlisle bought Esme and island?"

What was it with rich people buying strange things? Why couldn't he have just 'said it with flowers' or something?

"Hmm," Edward nodded, making sure the boat was tied securely to the jetty. "He gave it to her in celebration of Alice's birth. It was meant as a place for her to retreat to whenever us kids drove her nuts."

"Right," I stammered. "The most outrageous present my dad ever bought for my mom were a pair of earrings and a new ironing board for their ten year anniversary, but I guess I should have known such presents would be far too mundane for the rich and famous."

"It would have been awfully difficult to have our honeymoon on an ironing board," Edward snorted before turning to where I was still standing, gawking at the house in front of us. "You want to stand there and yell at me some more or do you want to go explore the house?"

"Yeah mommy," Libby said, bouncing in place as she waited for us. "Quit whining and start walking!"

Edward leaned in and whispered something in her ear that had her whole face lighting up before she nodded at him and sprinted off in the direction of the house.

"I think she's been spending too much time with her aunt," I huffed in surprised. "It's not at all healthy for a human being to spend that much time with Alice. This proofs it."

"Are you ready?" Edward laughed as we watched Libby skipped on ahead.

"Yes," I smiled, taking his outstretched hand. "Oh and Edward?"

"Yes, my love?" he turned back to me.

"If you ever buy me an island you'll find the divorce papers on your desk the next day."

"Got it," he chuckled, wrapping his arm around me as we walked up to the house. "I'll just have to be creative and think of something new then. What are your thoughts on skiing?"

"Bastard."

"You know you love me," he purred, trying to dazzle me with his sexy crooked grin.

"Now when you act like that," I huffed, looking the other way.

I almost jumped when I felt his nose brush my neck, his breath ghosting over my skin as he spoke. "Then I'll just have to remind me why you do...." he whispered, sucking my earlobe in between his teeth before leaning away from me again, leaving me reduced to a puddle of goo on the beach.

As we got closer to the house I could definitely see Esme's hand in it. It was beautiful, big but not flashy and still with that comfortable cosines that made you feel right at home. The rectangular shape of the blue wooden structure was broken with big windows with white shutters and a white porch wrapped around the ground floor. A huge wisteria bush winded its way up from the left side of the house, covering the porch and the balcony on that side in beautiful blue flowers. It weren't the only flowers surrounding the house. The clearing around the house had been turned into a lovely garden with all sorts of bright flowers and plants, a deck filled with comfortable lounge chairs looking out over the ocean. A huge slate covered patio, filled with comfortable lounge chairs looked out over the ocean from the garden and I could just see myself sitting there with Edward in the evenings or curled up with a book during the day while Edward and Libby went swimming.

"It's beautiful," I whispered as we walked up to the front of the house.

"I'm glad you approve of it," Edward smiled, wrapping his arms around me.

We spend the next hour or so exploring the house and getting settled in. Somehow one of the rooms had been transferred into Libby's own personal heaven with soft pink colors, a private little balcony looking out over both the hilltop behind the house and the sea in front of it and a huge canopy bed. Not to mention the fact that it held virtually all of Libby's favorite toys.

"Libby seems to be enjoying her new room," Edward grinned, coming down from the stairs after changing into a more comfortable outfit. He was wearing just a pair of board shorts and the sight of his perfect chest, along with the messy hair and the blazing green eyes was enough to turn me into an incoherent mess for at least a few minutes.

"Bella?" he grinned, knowing full well the effect he had on me.

"Y-yes......right...... Libby.......I doubt we'll bee seeing much of her over the next couple of days," I laughed, both at my own foolishness and Libby's exuberance when she first saw the room. "I thought you wanted her to come with us so that we could spend some time as a family?"

"I did," he nodded, flashing his irresistible crooked grin. "But as you know I also want to spend some time expanding our family....."

"Right." I could feel my face heating up as I thought about one of the reasons we were here. My nerves were crashing down on me with a blinding force. I didn't know why I was so nervous all of a sudden but I did know that if I didn't think of something to distract me soon I would start vomiting all over the nice and probably very expensive furniture. "I'll go get started on diner. Why don't you fire up the barbecue?"

Edward shot me a look that made me fear he was on to me before sighing and walking out of the terrace doors onto the deck. He was soon joined by Libby and as I was cutting up the vegetables and putting the ingredients for a salad together I could hear them talking and joking about how Edward used to spend his summers here with Carlisle, Esme and Alice.

Dinner was tense, both of us focusing our attention in Libby or our food while stealing causal glances at each other. It did nothing to calm my nerves. On the contrary....at some point I feared even the people of Rio could have heard my heart beating.

I tried to reason with myself. This was just another night I got to spend with Edward. Yes, we'd have sex for the first time in quite a while since with the wedding to organize and Edward pulling double shifts at the hospital to get time off for the honeymoon we hadn't really been that sex minded. But still.....what made this night any different apart from the fact that we were married and had just flown halfway across the world to a deserted island? We were still the same. We'd still have the same kind of sex which was amazing and mind shattering and nothing to be scared off.

However...the more I kept telling myself that the more nervous I became.

I managed to keep up some sort of conversation during dinner. Edward told us more about the island and how Alice and he had spend their summers snorkeling, swimming and exploring the woods and caves inland. The whole trip must have been tiring for Libby though because as soon as she had scooped up the last spoonful of her desert her eyes started to droop and before I knew it she was deep asleep, leaning back against the cushion of her chair.

This left just me and Edward and the vast abyss filled with nerves and unspoken insecurities.

"Why don't we take a swim?" Edward suggested as he lifted a sleeping Libby up from her deckchair. "The water is very warm and it's a clear night........I'll tuck Libby in while you get changed......."

"That would be a good idea," I interrupted him, sucking my bottom lip in between my teeth. "I'll see you down there." With that I turned on my heels and almost ran up the stairs.

I knew my behavior was childish and stupid and not exactly mood enhancing but for some reason I couldn't pull myself out of it. I hoped taking a swim would calm some of my nerves or I'd just might go off like a whizzer the moment he laid a finger on me.

Our bedroom was as lovely as the rest of the room. The walls were painted in a bright light blue, almost the same color as the outside of the house, and the furniture consisted mainly of dark wooden items in a classic contemporary style that made it feel comfortable and cool.

The room was domineered by a huge wooden canopy bed with white sheer curtains draped over it. The crisp white bedlinen and blue comforter complimenting the rest of the room in a way that screamed Esme.

I couldn't derive any comfort from the bed though....not when the thought of what was going to take place there made me break out in sweat and scold myself for acting like a bloody virgin on her wedding night.

Still no amount of scolding could erase the uncertainties that kept up their assault.

Did he really want to have more children with me or was he just giving me what he thought I wanted? And even if he did.......would we succeed?

Sure, I had been far too fertile for my own good five years ago but what if that had changed? What if I couldn't give him any more children? Would he still love me? Would he think having just the one child was enough?

Would I be enough?

I guess it was too late to start backing out of this now, when he was down there in the ocean waiting for me. I would just have to suck it up and face him.

I rifled through the suitcase which appeared to have a whole section dedicated to swim wear. In fact....the more I looked the more I realized that about ninety percent of the stuff she had packed seemed to be dedicated to either lingerie or swim wear. What the hell was I supposed to wear in the daytime? The sheer lack of fabric I encountered should have been more shocking if I didn't know Alice the way I did. I sighed, knowing I would just have to improvise and perhaps steal some of Edward's clothes to keep me covered and comfortable.

In the end I opted for a set of tiny strips of fabric tied together by a bunch of shoelaces which I thought someone had meant to be a bikini. I tied everything in place and tried to push my boobs into the fabric, making sure I had at least the basics covered, before I practically ran out of the room avoiding the mirror at all costs. I knew that if I saw myself right now I would never make it out of this room.

I made my way to the beach as fast as I could only stopping to catch my breath when my feet hit the watter. As my eyes adjusted to the fading light of the sunset I saw Edward standing in the water a couple of feet away, his back turned to me as he gazed out over the ocean to where the lights of Rio de Janeiro blinked in the distance.

He was so beautiful it still made my heart squeeze in my chest every time I saw him. How did I end up so lucky to be the woman he married?

He had flocks of women eager and willing to have him but out of all those women he could have had he chose me. That thought used to make me scared as hell but ever since I had seen his face beaming up at me as I walked down the isle on my brother's arm all fears had gone.

He chose me.

He loved me.

I took a deep breath before wading out into the ocean towards where he was standing, my heart thumping in my chest as I neared him.

"Hey," I said with a shaky voice as I stood next to him.

He turned to me, a smile illuminating his face. "I was almost starting to fear you'd decided you were too tired and went to bed."

"I know...." I stammered. "I....just....had a hard time picking out a bathing suit. Alice packed all these damn flimsy things and......" And just like that I ran out of words so I decided to opt for the cowardly way out and turn away, hiding my red face behind my hair.

"Please don't hide your face from me," Edward pleaded, his fingers brushing my hair away. "It's the only way I can see what you're thinking right now."

I took a deep breath, steadying myself before I turned my eyes to him feeling more naked than ever in my life.

"Don't be nervous," he whispered, taking my hand in his and pulling me close to him. "It's only you and me."

"But...."

"Shh," he soothed, wrapping me in a tight embrace. "You don't have to explain how you're feeling....I feel the same way." He took a small step back and placed my hand over his heart. I could feel it pounding in his chest. "This is a huge step we are taking......I don't want to rush into it."

"Do you think we are?" I asked. It was true that we were moving at the speed of light. Sure, we had a six year old daughter sleeping inside the house but we only knew each other for about a year and we were already married and thinking about expanding our family.

"That's not what I meant," he said quickly. "What I mean is that I want this night to be special...meaningful....you know what I mean?"

"I do," I muttered. "So what do we do now?"

"Why don't we just stand out here for a bit?" he suggested, holding his arm open for me."The watter is nice and the sun is just about to set. It's the most beautiful time of day on this island."

"I'd like that," I nodded, snuggling into his chest while looking out onto the ocean.

So we just stood there, watching the sun set behind the city while sharing slow smoldering kisses that made my body tingle from the tips of my fingers all the way down to my toes. With the fading light our kisses grew more fevered and urgent, making me realize that I wasn't afraid anymore. I loved him. I wanted him. With every part of me.

Man. Woman. Love.

Sometimes it was as easy as that.

"Are you ready to go inside?" he asked me after the world around us had gone completely dark.

"I guess....." I nodded.

"Remember Bella," he whispered, cradling my face in his hands. "We are just the same people we were yesterday. Just an man and a woman in love...."

".......and trying to make a baby," I whispered.

"Yes," he nodded.

"What if it doesn't work?" I asked, voicing my greatest fear for the first time. "What if I can't get pregnant?"

"Then we try again," he shrugged before flashing me his crooked grin. "That won't be so bad would it?"

"I guess not," I blushed, noticing that somewhere during our conversation he had lifted me in his arms and started wading back to the beach. I shivered slightly as my body left the warm water of the ocean and became exposed to the cooler night air.

Edward must have taken my reaction to the cold for hesitation because he stopped to look at me as we reached the porch. "We don't have to do it tonight," he said, suddenly serious again. 'I can wait as long as you need and...."

I placed my finger over his lips, silencing him. "I want this, Edward. More than anything. I'm just afraid that things won't work out the way we want and......"

"Don't think about that," he assured me, carrying me up the stairs and to our bedroom. "I love you and no matter what will happen I will always love you......"He placed me gently on the crisp white covers of the bed, his body hovering over me as he kissed me so gently and lovingly that it almost brought tears to my eyes. "Forever."

"Forever," I whispered back at him as he loosened the ties that kept my bikini in place, kissing every spot of my body his hands revealed.

I let my hands trail over the toned surface of his back, my toes hooking behind the waistband of his shorts and sliding them down. The strangest thing happened right then. My mind stopped worrying the moment my eyes wandered over the body of the man who had pledged himself to me only a few hours ago. I let his scent envelope me and chase away the last doubts I had as I felt his fingers move down my stomach and slide through my slick folds.

"Please....Edward.....I need you," I gasped as his fingers started to slowly circle my clit.

"I love you Bella....." he whispered as he positioned himself at my entrance. "More than I have words to express."

"I love you too Edward," I half spoke, half moaned as he slowly pushed inside of me.

We took our time, our hands stroking and lips kissing in tune with the movements our bodies were making. This wasn't a race for satisfaction or a match to see who got the other off first...this was making love, the sweetest, purest love a couple could ever make.

This was making life.

As we both got nearer to our release Edward took my hands in his twining them together above my head as he moved inside of me, my legs wrapped firmly around his waist as our lips stayed almost glued together, only letting go to pant or moan the other's name.

He came together, Edward never letting go of my hands as he fell apart above me, his hair tickling my shoulder as he lay his head on my chest, gasping for air.

I couldn't help but giggle as I slowly descended back to earth . It was like an unstoppable force, bubbling up inside of me, making me feel as giddy as a schoolgirl.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked, rolling off me and resting his head on his hand as he lay propped up beside me, his other hand still woven together with mine.

"I'm just....happy," I said, bringing his hand to my lips and kissing it.

"Good," he said, kissing the tip of my nose. "I always want you to be happy."

"I am," I smiled back at him. "Are you?"

"Perfectly," he beamed back, wrapping me in his arms as he lay on his back.

I didn't know if we had really created life that night but I really hoped so because to me this night would always be special.

Perfect.

**Edward Cullen**

"So what's the plan for today?" Bella wondered as we were sitting down to breakfast the next morning.

Waking up with her beautiful body pressed up against mine, our hands still intertwined, was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. It had made me realize that there really was such a thing as forgiveness. That even the blackest of sinners could achieve their slice of heaven once they mended their ways.

The fact that we might have created a new life last night made me gaze at her flawless white skin with a whole new kind of wonder and awe as I watched her stomach move up and down with every deep breath she took.

I envied her for being able to have a little human being growing inside of her but at the same time I couldn't wait to be a part of it. To experience every stage of her pregnancy with her this time. To be there for her when she needed me and hold her hand as she pushed our baby into this world.

But I was getting carried away. What if we were unable to conceive this time? Sure....it had been easy with Libby but what if time and the continuous stress of my work had taken its toll on me? What if I couldn't give her another child? Would she still love me as she did today or would she be too disappointed?

"Edward?" Bella asked, her hand brushing mine as she gazed at me.

"Oh....sorry," I muttered, blushing as I pulled myself out of my thoughts. "I thought we'd climb up the mountain to explore the island from its highest point."

"Yay!" Libby squealed. "Can we get all the way to the top?"

"We can," I smiled. "there's even a little gazebo up there where we can have our lunch.. On a clear day you can see all the way to the city."

"Can you see the pretty statue on the mountain?" she wondered.

"If you bring a pair of binoculars you just might," I smiled.

"Edward," Bella's voice sounded nervous again and I knew it was caused by the prospect of the climb.

"Don't worry love," I said, folding my hand around hers. "There's a clear path leading upwards and the climb isn't too steep. You'll be fine."

"That's easy for you to say," she muttered under her breath, picking at her scrambled eggs. "You don't have to worry about tripping on your own two feet."

"And neither do you, angel," I replied. "As I told you before....do you really think I'd ever make you fall?"

"I know," she sighed. "But the damn thing just looks so high...."

"It will be fun," I reassured her. "We'll just take it slow."

After getting ready and packing our lunch into a small picnic basket we took off through the backyard where the path up the hill started. At first Bella would hold on to my arm for dear life but after we had climbed about half a mile she started to get more sure of herself and let go, exploring the path on her own.

The path up the mountain had been one of the first improvements Carlisle and Esme had made to the island. They had made sure the path was small enough to still be invisible from the house beneath the trees but still wide enough so that Alice and I could easily complete the climb even when we were still kids.

"You're evil, you know..." I smirked, watching Bella as she climbed up a steep part of the path a few feet ahead of me. Libby had skipped on ahead and we could still faintly hear her talking to herself somewhere in the distance.

"And why might that be?" she asked innocently, twirling a lock of hair that had fallen out of her messy bun around her fingers.

I took a few large steps, bringing me right next to her as I leaned and whispered in her ear. "That bathing suit or whatever the hell it is you're wearing, is far too sexy for its own good."

"Is that so?" she purred, shivering as I bit down gently on her earlobe. "And what – might I ask – is it that you find offending about my clothes?"

"Come on Bella," I groaned, drinking in the sight of her chest covered in a purple bathing suit that seemed to be consisting of a few small pieces of purple fabric tried together with a few more pieces of purple fabric. It was like the person who designed the thing couldn't decide whether it was going to be a one piece or a bikini and just decided to have it be both. Her toned slender legs were covered in a pair of denim cutoff shorts. Tiny denim cutoff shorts.

"What?" she giggled.

"You have no idea of how you affect me, do you?" I growled, grabbing her hand and pushing her up against a tree next to the path, my erection unmistakably pushing against her stomach.

"Perhaps that was exactly what I intended," she grinned, her hand wrapping around my waist to pull me closer.

"Bella....." I groaned, leaning my forehead against hers as I ground into her. "Don't start what you cannot finish."

"And why do you think I won't make you....finish?" she purred seductively, trailing her small hand over my chest.

Her words stirred something within me, making me forget we were out in the open with Libby only a few feet away from us around the corner. A growl started to build into my chest as I crushed my lips to hers and pushed my tongue into her mouth, demanding entrance as it started its battle with hers. Neither of us wanted to break the kiss but as my lungs started to burn I knew I would have to pull back. My body huffed with displeasure as I removed my lips from hers, our foreheads touching as we panted for breath.

"We have to stop," I breathed, moving away from her as the haze lifted from my eyes after a few moments. "Libby........"

She whimpered with disappointment when I took a few steps back, adjusting myself before I peeled her away from the tree and brushed a few pieces of bark from her back, relieved that my almost beastly attack on her hadn't left any permanent marks on her scantily clad back.

"Just climb the damn mountain before Libby comes back to see what's keeping us," I growled, playfully swatting her rear as I nudged her back onto the path.

"Cockblocker!" she pouted, looking back at me over her shoulder as she continued her climb up the path.

'Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.' I chanted the same mantra over and over again in my head, knowing that if I saw her firm ass sway as she climbed on ahead in front of me I would be done for. There was no way I could stop myself from taking her up against a tree and I didn't think that would go over well with Libby being with us.

Instead I decided to focus on my feet as they moved along the path and on the happy memories of past climbs.

I remembered that the first time Alice and I climbed up that hill it had seemed like we were climbing the Mount Everest. I had been around six years old and had been nagging Carlisle for days to let me try. In the end he yielded but only on the condition that we'd make the climb together.

I chuckled, remembering how I almost ran up that mountain for the first mile or so, only to discover that it was a long way up. When Carlisle had caught up with me he hand found me with my tongue just about dragging over the surface of the path. He had just smiled at me, handed me a flask of water and waited patiently for me to catch my breath again before we continued our climb together with him telling me stories about how he and my father used to hold climbing matches whenever they were on holiday in the mountains. One day they had escaped the attention of their nanny while vacationing in the south of France and had started climbing up a steep mountain about half a mile from their hotel. Carlisle – the boldest of the two – had climbed up ahead with my dad following hot on his heels. About halfway up the mountain, however, they had suddenly found themselves trapped and scared to death when some rocks around them started sliding down. It had ended with the French police saving them and my grandparents putting both their sons of house arrest for the remainder of their stay. It hadn't kept them from climbing an even higher mountain the year after that though.

I remembered the feeling of awe I had felt as I listened to Carlisle and noted how he didn't even break a sweat whereas I was soaked through and panting for air before we had even reached the halfway point.

When at long last we had made it all the way up the hill I had been so proud of myself. It had been the biggest accomplishment of my life so far and one I couldn't wait to tell all my friends about. I could see that same glint of eagerness in Libby's eyes now as she made her way up.

The awed look on both Bella and Libby's faces when we reached the summit was enough to make the trip worth while. The top of the hill was flat and barren of vegetation so Carlisle and Esme had decided to built a small gazebo there, which had the most amazing view of the entire island.

"I can see land!" Libby yelled, once again inseparable from her binoculars. "Look! Over there!" She bounced up and down on the balls of her feet.

"I know sweetheart," I replied, chuckling at the sight of the small girl in the cute pink summer dress holding a pair of huge binoculars to her face while hopping around like she was on a hot plate.

"I know I keep saying this a lot but it sure is beautiful," Bella sighed, leaning her back against my chest. Her eyes were fixed on the the scenery in front of us. Right beneath us were the house and the beach, surrounded by the vast blue ocean with tiny boats dancing around on its surface and the faint outline of the coast of Brasil in the distance.

"It's alright," I shrugged, hugging her tighter to me as we both gazed out over the ocean. "I wouldn't use the word beautiful to describe anything when I had you standing next to me."

"You're too much you know that?" she giggled, leaning her head backwards to look at me. "There's only too much romance a woman's heart can take!"

"I don't know about that love," I chuckled, leaning down to kiss her full red lips and her forehead before turning my attention back to the view. "But if you want....I'll ease off on the romance for now."

"How about we eat some lunch first," she chuckled, easing out of my hold to grab the picnic basket and arrange the food on the small table standing under the gazebo.

We spend an hour or so relaxing under the gazebo before we made our way back down again where I took Libby for her first snorkel lesson the the shallow water close to the beach while Bella sat on the terrace reading a book.

It took some time for Libby to get the technique down. Between her exuberance and the beautiful underwater world she took quite a few gulps of the salt water before she learned to keep her mouth shut and breathe through her snorkel. I kept my eye on her the entire time, cautious to not let her get into danger. I didn't miss the beauty of the reefs one bit though. It was enough for me to watch my daughters happiness as she gazed at the life beneath the surface of the ocean.

There was one thing I did miss though.

Bella.

My body still ached for her whenever I didn't have her in my arms, especially with the memory of last night still fresh in my memory. I didn't resent our decision to take Libby on our trip with me though. I loved sharing the memories of my time here with her, taking her to see and do all of the things I loved when I was her age. It was just that the more selfish and impatient part of me was counting the hours until it was night.

I joined Bella on the balcony outside our bedroom after I had tucked Libby in for the night. She was sitting Indian style on the daybed with her nose still buried in her book. The wisteria growling along the railing almost framing her and making the whole scene look like something out of a pre-Raphaelite painting.

"Good book?" I chuckled.

"Hmm...." she smiled, closing the cover and tossing it onto the table. "It's alright." She looked at me through batted eyelashes "I'd rather be doing something else than reading though....."

"And what might that be?" I inquired, entranced by the way her light cotton dress clung around her form. It was almost see through in the diminishing light of the setting sun, giving me the most excellent view of her body.

"You," she whispered, grabbing hold of the sides of my shirt and pulling me towards her.

I stumbled towards the daybed and almost fell on top of her, much to her delight. She squealed as she held on to me, pushing me so that I was sitting on the covers with her straddling me. Almost instinctively my hands wrapped around her waist, my erection throbbing against her clothed heat as our lips met in a fevered kiss.

"God you'll be the death of me one day," I groaned as she pulled back only to start sucking on the skin at the base of my neck as she slowly unbuttoned my shirt.

"You keep saying that and yet....here we are," she joked winking at me as her lips slowly descended.

I couldn't hold back a deep guttural moan as she took my nipple in her mouth and sucked it in between her lips, her tongue slowly flicking the sensitive skin, before she slipped off my lap her hands stroking the inside of my thigh as she kissed her way down my chest.

"Bella....." I pleaded with her as she kept on kissing and stroking me, though making sure to avoid the place where I needed her to touch me before I would go mad or explode at all cost.

"What is it love?" she chuckled, tracing the tips of her fingers over the bulge in my pants with a featherlight touch.

"Stop teasing me," I hissed through my teeth. "Please."

"Since you asked me so nicely," she grinned, unfastening the button of my pants and easing down the zipper.

My dick sprang proudly forward, glad to be released from it's confines as she eased my pants down my legs and threw them somewhere behind her.

The sight of her, kneeling in front of me with her eyes fixed on my dick was enough to almost make me cum there and then. How she was able to have this kind of effect on me even after being together for a year amazed me. She had this strange hold over me ever since the first time I saw her, a hold that hadn't diminished with time or distance. No....it had only gotten firmer. She was my everything.

"God!" I groaned, my eyed rolling into the back of my head as I felt her warm wet mouth envelope me. I fought the instincts of my body. I wanted to look at her, to see what she was doing to me.

I could feel my tip hitting the back of her throat as she took me in deeper, her hand softly massaging my balls as she swallowed around me, bringing me to the brink of insanity. I moaned her name, my hand fisting in her hair, holding her to me as she continued her ministrations, her tongue swirling around my head as he moved upwards.

She looked up at me, slowly releasing me from her mouth. "Let go Edward," she whispered before she took me back in, her teeth lightly grazing my cock as she moved down again.

"God.....Bella....."

She hummed around me, her eyes shining mischievously as she watched me come undone by her actions, my whole body tensing and releasing as I came undone. She moved away from me as I sagged back into the pillows, placing a light kiss of my softening cock as she crawled back into my lap, watching me as I caught my breath again.

"I love you." I stuttered. "That was........I don't have any words to describe it."

"Show me," she whispered, her beautiful brown eyes blazing into mine.

"My pleasure," I whispered back. I was in awe of this much more confident Bella than the one she had been yesterday. Yesterday had been amazing but today, with all of our nerves set aside, we could really enjoy what was the start of our future.

I leaned in to claim her lips, kissing her gently at fist but more urgently as I felt that same fire starting to consume me again. My arms moved upwards from her thighs to her neck, unfastening the delicate straps that held her light cover-up dress in place.

The fabric fell away as soon as I released the knot, revealing Bella's breast to me in all their perfect glory. "Beautiful," I muttered as I watched my hand envelope her mounds, my thumbs flicking her peaks as she arched slightly backwards.

I grabbed the hem of her dress, moving it upwards and over her head before tossing it somewhere in a corner as my mouth wrapped around her hardened nipples, kissing and nipping at them while my hands started to wander further down before they settled on the tiny piece of fabric she was wearing for underwear.

"Just rip it," she half growled. "It's not like I'm going to wear it if I have a choice....."

I chuckled, remembering how Bella and Alice's perceptions of sexy lingerie differed somewhat. Alice would always be willing to sacrifice just about everything for the right look where Bella never wanted to give up too much on the side of comfort. That was why she hardly ever wore thongs, settling instead for sexy lace boy shorts that had the ability to drive me insane.

But why was I thinking about my sister when I had the most beautiful woman writhing half naked on top of me?

Without thinking any further I hooked my fingers underneath the dainty little straps, tearing them almost as soon as I put pressure on them.

I threw the shredded material into a corner somewhere before moving my hands back to her hips, one of them holding her to me while the other moved to her center, massaging her swollen bundle of nerves before slipping inside of her.

"I want to feel you.....inside me.....now," she panted as she continued to grind against me, my fingers sliding in and out of her slick folds.

"You know I cannot deny you anything you ask of me," I groaned, moving her slightly upwards so that I could position myself at her entrance.

We both groaned with pleasure she she moved back down again, the feeling of being sheathed inside her warmth still comparing to nothing I had ever felt before.

"Bella....fuck," I growled, letting the sensation of her tight warm walls gripping me for dear life wash over me.

I felt her hands move to my shoulder, steadying her frame as she started to move on top of me, my hands aiding her movements. Her breasts were bouncing in front of me and I couldn't resist the urge to lean in and suck her nipple into my mouth, nipping and flicking the hardened bud as I started moving to meet her thrusts.

"Edward," she moaned, her hands weaving into my hair and pulling slightly, making me groan incoherently as I dug my hands into her hips. "Don't stop....."

"I won't," I panted, looking up to see her head tilted back slightly, her plump bottom lip sucked in between her teeth as she continued to bounce on top of me. The sight of her alone, her body shining in the pinkish light of the Caribbean twilight, was almost enough to make me come undone. I knew I wasn't going to last that much longer but I'd be damned if I didn't make her cum with me.

"Come on Bella," I growled, thrusting upwards as fast and as hard as I could without hurting her. "Cum for me...."

"So close," she panted. "Edward......"

I moved one of my hands from her hips to where we were connected, flicking it over her clit as I continued to meet her thrusts. Almost the moment my hands found their target her eyes, dark with a mixture of lust and want, flickered open and glowed into mine before rolling into the back of her head as she started to spasm around me, her whole body shaking with the force of her orgasm.

I followed right behind her, leaning my head in the crook of her neck as I spilled inside her, both of us collapsing on the bed, utterly spend.

"Thank you....." she breathed, still gasping for air as I moved out of her, rolling us so that I was on my back.

"What for," I chuckled, kissing her hair. "It is I who should do the thanking here love......"

"Whatever...." she muttered and I could hear she was already half asleep. "That was amazing."

"It was," I nodded, getting up from the bed and carrying her back into our room. I was almost falling asleep as well and I didn't want to run the risk of falling asleep on the balcony where Bella might catch a cold or Libby might find us naked and with the glow of amazing sex hanging all around us.

Bella was asleep almost before I eased her under the sheets, her body searching out for mine as soon as I left her to get into bed myself. The moment as I lay down next to her she snuggled into my side, sighing contently as I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame.

I wondered if she would ever realize how much she had saved me, just as I sometimes wondered what she would do if she knew just how black my life had been before I met her. It was one of my greatest fears that she would one day find out....

Sure, she knew to some extent that there had been a different Edward in the past. A selfish creature who had nothing on his mind but his own pleasure and instant gratification, but if she really knew about the complete dick I had been back then, would she still love me?

Looking back on my life I was once again struck by how empty it had been until I had met my Bella. I had been with so many women and done a fair share of other things that most people would frown upon but it had never given me the satisfaction and sense of completeness that one moment with Bella would give me.

I didn't know if we'd always be like this or if there would be moments when we'd hate each other's guts. All I knew was that if it were up to me we'd never leave this place.

This was heaven.

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_** - wipes brow -**_

_**This one was certainly longer then expected. I hope you don't mind ;-) Next chapter will have us back in present time. We'll learn how Bella fared with Jane and what Edward was doing in the meantime.**_

_**Please leave me your thoughts on this chapter. I love reading them. They make my day.**_


	3. You can't always get what you want

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Once again: thank you so much for all of your kind words. I loved reading all of your thoughts on the last chapter and speculations on where I am taking this story.**_

_**I am also proud to announce that starting this chapter my work will be beta'ed. From now on the fabulous Cíara (**__**xparawhorextwerdx) will be working her magic my grammar and punctuation before my chapters get posted. She also opened a thread for this story at twilighted(dot)net. You can find the link for that one at the bottom of this page.**_

_**Without further ado, let's get on with the story…..**_

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**You can't always get what you want.**

_**September 2009**_

".........so then she just flat out ordered me to get my head out of my own ass and ask her," Garrett rattled on while we both changed out of our surgical gowns and gloves after a gruesome marathon surgery.

"And you did?" I asked, throwing the gloves in a waste basket. I had been pleasantly lost in my thoughts of Bella, me, and the Caribbean sunset up until the moment he started talking. I had to admit, though, that hearing about how Kate practically bullied carefree, fun loving Garrett into proposing had been priceless.

"Yea," Garrett grinned. "She didn't leave me any other options did she?"

"Don't you think you would have liked it to be a little more.....I don't know.....romantic?" I snorted, dragging my hand through my messy hair.

"Nah," Garrett shrugged. "Kate isn't exactly the romantic type. If I would have showed up with roses and a ring and got down on one knee and all that crap that women usually expect, she would probably have laughed at me in my face, crammed the roses up my ass and told me to try again after I've grown out of my Don Juan phase."

"You're probably right," I laughed, remembering that Kate and Garrett hardly ever did things the old fashioned way.

"She did tell me to buy her a ring though," Garrett sighed. "Got any good tips?"

"Nope, can't help you mate," I replied as we walked out of the scrub room. "Just get her something simple and classy. Something she can wear to work without getting stuck all the time."

"So I guess the Hope Diamond is out then," Garrett joked, sighing dramatically.

"Fucking drama queen," I chuckled, shaking my head.

"Who's a drama queen?" Kate asked, coming up behind us and jumping on Garrett's back.

"Your fiancé," I laughed. "He's acting like he's been ordered to cure the world of famine instead of buying an engagement ring for the woman he loves."

"Traitor," Garrett muttered under his breath, earning him a slap across the back of his head from his 'lovely fiancé'.

"You'd better buy me something pretty, lover boy," Kate warned, bringing her mouth to Garrett's ear. "Or you'll be sorry."

"Yes, ma'am," Garrett replied, planting a quick kiss on her cheeks.

"As much as I'd love to stand here and watch the two of you make out, I have a family to get to," I chuckled, noticing my shift had officially ended ten minutes ago.

"Traitor," Kate growled, ruffling my hair. She was on call tonight so I couldn't blame her for not looking forward to another twenty four hours or so of treating the sick while staying under House's radar.

"You know you love me," I teased.

"You've been spending too much time with Garrett," she huffed tightening her eyes into slits, her arms and legs still firmly wrapped around her fiancé's torso.

"Hey! I'm right here!" Garrett complained.

"Give Libby and Masen a kiss from me," Kate called after me, completely ignoring Garrett's remark.

"Will do. Have fun tonight!"

I saw her stick out her tongue as I walked into the residents' locker room to take a quick shower and change before picking up my kids. When I rushed out of the locker room again I almost bumped into Doctor Marcus Wilson.

"Sorry," I muttered, barely avoiding impact with one of the most revered doctors the hospital had, not to mention Caius House's best – and arguably only – friend.

"Doctor Cullen," he nodded. "Excellent work on the pulmonary thromboendectomy today. I heard DoctorAnspaugh was very pleased." Even though Wilson as the head of Oncology wasn't directly concerned with teaching the surgical interns he had made it his task to fill the gaps House left in our training such as bedside manners and open and honest conversations. "I wonder......"

"Yes?" I looked at the clock to see I was running behind and I didn't want to be late picking Libby up from school.

"Would you like to scrub in on a Whipple I'm doing later today?" he asked. "Dale had to go home sick which means I'm understaffed at the moment."

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I have to pick up my kids in half an hour and I'm late as it is....."

"That's one hell of an opportunity you're passing on," Wilson remarked. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely," I said. "I know it's a very good chance for me to show my skills and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to scrub in but I have other responsibilities apart from my job here. Responsibilities that take prevalence over work sometimes..."

"I understand," Wilson nodded. "I was once in the same situation as you are in now; though I made the wrong choices......You can ask all three of the former Mrs. Wilsons about that. I'm actually glad to see you choose your family over your career. I can imagine it isn't easy for a young and ambitious doctor like you. Just don't ever tell House there are more important things than the hospital. He'll fire you on the spot."

"Thanks for understanding doctor Wilson," I chuckled.

"Go be with your kids, I'll ask Denali to scrub in." With that he walked on towards the doctor's lounge.

I groaned inwardly. With the end of my residency drawing near an opportunity like this was more important than ever. Soon I would be competing with my fellow residents and I don't know how many residents from other hospitals for the few prestigious fellowships this hospital had to offer and if I wanted to stand a chance of getting in I would need an impressive body of knowledge and surgical experience to back me up. Letting a difficult and high profile procedure such as a Whipple slide by didn't look good. At all.

But then again….losing precious time with my family would have been even worse. Between my irregular shifts, Libby's summer holiday being over and Bella starting back at Columbia after her maternity leave too many days went by in which I hardly got to spend any time with them.

It made me wonder how Carlisle had done it. True, he had been a bit older than I was and had been done with his residency when Alice and I entered his life, but even as a doctor with a steady position it must have been hard for him.

Still, in all those years he had never made us notice. Sure, we were used to the fact that he wasn't there some nights or that we sometimes wouldn't see him for forty-eight hours on end, but I had never considered him an absent father. As soon as he got home he was there for us, freeing his schedule to play with us and take us on trips to the zoo or the museum. I had never realized how tired he must have been on those days until now.

I made it over to Libby's school with only seconds to spare; the children were already starting to pile out of the building when I arrived.

"Daddy!" Libby's high pitched squeal sounded as she came running out towards me.

"Easy baby," I laughed, catching her as she launched herself at me. "Remember what mommy said about running in the streets."

"But mommy isn't here right now," she beamed triumphantly. "And I know you won't mind. It's a stupid rule anyway. It's not like _I'm_ going to fall down."

"Elizabeth Cullen! If you think for one second that just because your mother knows you well enough not to put up with your behavior I am going to let that slide then you are seriously mistaken," I replied, trying to be as forceful with her as I could. "Now get in the car and as we drive I would suggest you think long and hard about what you said just now."

It bugged me that she thought she could get away with things like that with me. I had to admit that, especially in the beginning, I had let her get away with too much. I still did in a way. It was just so hard to say no to her. She had her own little ways of getting what she wanted and even though I had used most of the weapons in her arsenal – the pout, the smile, the big eyes – myself in my days I had never built up any resistance to them. I guess this was what happened when you didn't.

"I'm sorry daddy," Libby spoke in a tiny voice from the backseat when we were about halfway to our destination.

"Apology accepted," I said, trying to keep my voice firm even in spite of her pouting. "But if you pull a stunt like that again there will be consequences."

"I know," she pouted, staring out the window.

We picked up Masen from Rose and Emmett's before heading home where I helped Libby with an assignment she had to do for school while Masen slept on next to us in the carrycot.

I loved spending time with my kids like this. Seeing them together and spending some quiet time with them proved I had made the right decision earlier, when Wilson asked me to scrub in on his surgery. No procedure could ever match this.

Getting to experience all stages of Bella's pregnancy had made me realize just how much I had missed with Libby. It had made me even more determined to spend as much time as I possibly could with both of my kids right now, even if that meant passing up on Whipple's or other work related things. My kids were more important to me. They – and Bella – would always come first, even though at times it was difficult.

Libby had gown so much over the last year. Even though she could still be a prissy little dictator at times, when she was around her little brother none of that showed. She looked all grown up now, with her hair tied back and her concentration fixed on the book lying on the table in front of her. The way she had her eyebrows scrunched together in concentration and the tapping of her pencil against her lips as she thought made her look so much like Bella.

"Daddy?" she asked as we were changing Masen's dirty diaper together, though I had to admit that I was helping her more than the other way around. I had done my fair share of diaper duty over the last month but somehow I never really got the hang of it.

"Yes honey?"

"Can I ask you something?" she looked at me as I got rid of the dirty diaper.

"Of course, angel," I smiled. "What do you want to know?"

"Where do babies come from?" she asked, looking from me to her brother who was currently sucking on his big toe while he looked at the scene in front of him.

If I didn't know better I could have sworn I saw little sparks of amusement in his eyes as he watched my face go all pale and sweaty.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"W-What?" I stammered, trying to buy myself more time.

She rolled her eyes at me, her big eyes never wavering. "Where do babies come from?"

I racked my brain trying to find a way to answer her questions without telling too much. She was only seven, way too young to be given the birds and the bees- speech yet. Or was it?. Where did this question come from anyway? I sure as hell didn't think about where babies came from at that age.

"T-that's an….i-interresting question Libby," I stuttered, deciding that maybe if I played my hand well and just skirted around the question I may get myself out of answering it. "What made you think of that?"

I sure as hell didn't hope some boy had hinted at any birds or bees. In fact…..if one of those little horn dogs in her class even so much as thought about getting his disgusting little bee anywhere near my tiny little songbird I would kick his ass so hard he would never have to worry about having sex again.

"Masen," she shrugged.

Idiot.

Why didn't I think of something smart like that? Of course having a little brother appear out of nowhere would make her think of things like that. At least this was something I could work with. This gave me some edges to skirt.

"Well honey," I started, putting on my most serious doctor face. "Masen started out as a tiny little collection of cells in your mommy's belly and……"

"Yeah, yeah," Libby waved impatiently. 'Mommy told me all about that when she was – what is it called again? Ah yes – _pregnant_. I want to know how Masen got in mommy's belly."

Dammit.

Well, there was no way around it now. I would just have to close my eyes, go straight ahead and pray for the best.

"I…..put….. him there?" I whispered, my words coming out more like a question then like a reply.

Please don't ask any more questions. Please don't ask any more questions. Oh please God don't let her ask any more questions.

Unfortunately for me Libby showed no mercy. "How did you put him there?" she inquired, cocking her head to the side. "Mommy doesn't have any holes in her belly…."

"Well….erm……I……we…." Was there any way of explaining this to a seven year old without turning it into a soft-core porn story? And if there was….why the hell didn't anyone tell me? Then the answer came to my like the proverbial light switch turning on in my head. "Why don't you ask mommy?"

Coward. I was such a fucking coward. Why couldn't I just sit down and have a grownup conversation with my daughter about this matter? Why did she have to be the one who acted like the parent in this discussion? It was simple….because I wasn't ready to have this discussion yet. I wanted to think of Libby as the innocent little five year old I had met two years ago, not the world wise seven year old asking me about babies. Next thing she knew she wanted to ask me about sex.

Dear God!

What would I do if she asked me about sex? Should I tell her to abstain until she was married? Should I buy a rifle to shoot any guy coming near the house? Should I order a chastity belt? Lock her away in a tower until she grew out of those silly ideas?

"You're a doctor," she quipped; her tightened eyes and knowing smirk letting me know she was on to me. With just my luck she told Bella all about my less than successful attempt. I would never live this down.

"I'm not a baby doctor." I replied. "You should really ask your mommy. She's a teacher. She can explain these things much better than I ever could."

"Okay," she shrugged, her condescending look letting me know just how low I had sunk in her opinion right now. "I'll ask mommy."

"And, Libs?"

"Yes Daddy?" She turned around on the doorstep, playing with a lock of her hair.

"Please wait until tomorrow to ask her," I pleaded. "Mommy will be very tired when she gets home. We'd better let her get some rest." And with any luck she would have forgotten about her question by tomorrow.

"Okay," she sighed. "I'll ask her tomorrow."

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

I sighed, leaning back against the door as I closed it behind me pinching the bridge of my nose to alleviate the pounding headache.

Home at last.

I thought this day was going to last forever. After my morning class – which could be described as interesting at the very least - my day had been filled with staff meetings and preparing proposals for my thesis and requests for information.

Just when I was getting ready to leave one of the senior professors dropped by my office to discuss a prior proposal which meant that when I finally managed to get away I was half an hour late.

"How was your day love?" Edward asked, coming out of the living room with a fussing Masen cradled in his arms.

"Tough," I sighed, "but I don't want to talk about that right now. How did everything go with Libby and Masen today?"

"Perfect," he replied, a smug little smile playing on his lips. "Not a problem in sight."

"Good," I smiled back as Edward placed Masen in my arms. I hugged him close, breathing in Masen's sweet baby smell. "I missed you, my little angel."

"I think he missed you as well," Edward smiled, walking into the kitchen with me. "He has been fussing for the last half hour or so."

"That's just because he's getting hungry," I grinned, handing Masen back to Edward so that I could get ready to feed him. "Did he eat during the day?"

"He did fine love," Edward smiled, watching as Masen greedily latched on to my breast. "Though I think he likes it better when it comes straight from the source."

"You do, honey, don't you?" I cooed at my son.

"Can't say I blame him, though," Edward grinned. "Your boobs are spectacular."

"Where's Libby?" I asked, trying to hide my blush. I hadn't seen her around or heard her in the other room.

"Upstairs playing with her dolls," Edward smirked. "She got me to join her for a while but sacked me from my job as 'the voice of Ken' since I was doing a miserable job."

"Poor baby," I giggled, knowing how Libby could really lay down the law sometimes. "I hope she wasn't too hard on you."

"I'll live," he chuckled, taking Masen back to burp him while I covered myself up again and got started on dinner.

"We could just order takeout," Edward suggested. "You look so tired......."

"I'll just whip up something fast," I shrugged, grabbing the ingredients for pasta from the fridge. "I'm not in the mood for takeout."

Libby came back down and talked a mile a minute about her first day at school while I chopped up the vegetables for the pasta and a salad and seared the meat. After dinner I spend some time watching television and talking with Libby before I had to go prepare for tomorrow's classes.

It was difficult to concentrate on the works of Austen, Gaskell and Bronte when you knew that next door the rest of your family was having a nice time relaxing and watching the television. I knew now what Edward had meant when he had explained to me why he always needed to prepare for his surgeries and read up on the procedures and medical journals at work. That annoying little voice that really wanted me to walk into the other room and be a mommy and a wife to my family was getting louder by the second, not to mention the fact that I was dead tired.

After a while – and some Tylenol – I started getting a little better at closing myself off from the sounds coming from the living room. The tiny letters of the novels I planned on discussing in my class weren't dancing in front of my eyes while blowing raspberries at me anymore and with a fixed outline for the class composed it was much easier to find the material to support it in the books.

"How are you doing love?" Edward asked, walking into the study and placing a mug of hot chocolate in front of me. I hadn't even heard him move around in the kitchen.

"Almost done," I muttered, not taking my eyes away from the final scribbles on the introduction into the works of Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell and the Bronte sisters I was going to present to my students tomorrow. "There! I'm done." I smiled triumphantly, slamming the pen down onto the table.

"Why don't you take care of the kids while I go run a bath for you," he suggested.

"Just for me?" I asked, leaning my head to the side. "You worked just as hard as I did today....."

"I figured you'd need some alone time to process everything that happened," he shrugged.

"I'll get lonely all on my own," I mused. "Are you sure you don't want to join me?"

"It was never a matter of not wanting to, love," he replied, flashing me his dazzling crooked smile. "It was more a question of what you needed."

"I need you," I smiled back, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head against his shoulders. "I thought you knew that by now."

"Shame on me," he sighed, burying his head in my hair.

"Hmmmm," I hummed, getting lost in his scent for a while.

"You'd better get a move on, love," he sighed after a while, "or we'll never get upstairs."

"Right," I groaned, a little disappointed about having to leave his comforting embrace as I moved back into the living room to get Libby.

Libby got ready for bed while I fed Masen. She was still so proud of being able to take care of herself even though I always made sure she had brushed her teeth and done everything correctly. I headed over to her room as soon as Masen was tucked in and asleep and I had made sure the baby monitor was working.

Libby was already sitting amidst the sea of pink on her canopy bed holding up her copy of _'Charlie and the chocolate factory'_ by Roald Dahl. It had become her favorite book since she always pictured her little cousin Charlie as the main character.

After reading a couple of pages and watching Libby's eyes slowly droop closed I tucked her in for the night to head over to the bathroom to see what Edward had in store for me.

When I walked into the master bathroom I was greeted by the sight of Edward's perfectly crafted body resting in the big garden tub, his head slightly tilted back and his eyes closed he listened to the soft tones of Debussy's _Clair de Lune_ that drifted through the speakers.

The sight of him, his form only illuminated by the light of a dozen or so candles that were scattered round the room still caused my whole body to burn with a yearning stronger than anything I had ever felt before.

I didn't deserve him, even though somehow he had chosen to be with me. How could a godlike creature such as him ever settle for someone as plain and ordinary as me?

"Bella," he spoke softly, his eyes shimmering in the candlelight. "Why are you still dressed?"

"I'm just admiring the view!" I smiled, closing the door behind me while clumsily unbuttoning my blouse with one hand.

His eyes burned into mine before following my hands as I started to undress, drinking in every part of my body I unveiled. It made me feel a combination of sexiness, lust and self consciousness. I was well aware that my body hadn't returned to its pre-pregnancy shape yet and was starting to doubt if it ever would. Even though we had made love after Masen was born Edward had yet to see me fully naked. What if he didn't like what he saw?

"Come here love," he said, his hand reaching out towards mine. "Please."

"Okay," I squeaked, my voice barren of all confidence I might have felt walking into this room.

"How often do I have to tell you you're beautiful before you are ever going to believe me?" he asked, his hand grabbing hold of mine and twining our fingers together.

"I don't think there's a number for that," I sighed as I stepped into the tub settling down with my back against Edward's chest.

"Would it help you if I said I envy your body?"

"You...._envy_ it?" I asked in astonishment, turning around to face him. "What is there to envy?"

"Yes," he said, dead serious. "I envy it for its ability to grow a new life inside of it and bring that life into the world. I envy it for every soft curve and gentle slope....."

"I think most sculptors would disagree with you," I quipped, leaning my back against his chest again. "I have yet to see Michelangelo make a world famous statue of a naked female body."

"Perhaps not Michelangelo," Edward retorted. "But others have...."

"I am never going to win this, am I," I sighed, knowing that for every example I would come up with he'd have at least three to counter me with.

"Nope," he chuckled, brushing his lips along my shoulder. "So why don't you make it easier on both of us and admit defeat?"

"Never going to happen," I giggled, trailing my hands along his thigh. "How about a truce?"

"A truce it is then," he sighed dramatically, unfastening the pin that was holding my hair up.

He gently pushed me forwards a little so that I could submerge my head into the water before he grabbed the shampoo bottle that was standing next to the tub and started massaging the strawberry scented bubbles into my scalp.

"Can I ask you something?" he purred, his hands never wavering from their task.

"Hmmm," I hummed. He could ask me anything right now. Between the ministrations of his hands and the tone of his voice I was pretty much a goner.

"What really happened today?" he purred.

"Okay," I sighed. "I could have seen that one coming."

"That bad?" he chuckled.

"Jane Volturi is in one of my classes," I blurted out. "And no....she hasn't changed over the years."

"What?" his hands stopped moving as I felt his body tense up behind me.

"If you want me to keep talking then you'd better continue doing what you were doing because I kind of need it," I warned.

"Oh...right," he muttered, leaning my head back again as he rinsed the shampoo out of my hair before starting to massage my shoulders. "What happened?"

"The moment she walked into the classroom and looked at me I knew this class was going to be a disaster," I continued. "And boy was I right.....The first time she opened her mouth it was to question my ability to teach this course with me being nothing but a humble teaching fellow and all."

"She did that?" Edward yelled out, his chest vibrating with subdued anger.

"Yep," I replied, popping the 'p'. "The only thing that stopped her was when a bunch of other students basically told her to shut the fuck up."

"And she did?"

"Yeah...well....only for a moment," I snorted. I had known as much from the start. Jane Volturi didn't quit. She merely took a small break in her assault so that she could return full force as soon as she was re-energized and had enough ammunition to continue. "Once she was done criticizing me she moved on to the course material," I sighed, moving my fingers over the water.

"She criticized Austen?" Edward laughed.

"I'm glad you find this all amusing," I bit back at him.

"Sorry," he added quickly, his arms wrapping loosely around my waist as he rested his head in the crook of my neck. "Go on."

"According to her the list of books that will be discussed in the course is 'juvenile and boring' and the writers are a bunch of 'sad, constipated old spinsters'." I explained, mimicking Jane's voice.

"You're kidding right?" he asked, the water sloshing around us as he almost bolted upright.

"Nope," I chuckled.

"What did you say?"

"Well....I asked her why she picked a course about nineteenth century English novels if she thought the most renown writers from that age were nothing but a bunch of bitter old crones," I continued.

"And what did she say?"

"Nothing," I chuckled. "She just glared at me and visibly debated storming out but I had no such luck. She must have figured that would be letting me off the hook too easy so she just sat back and started preparing for her next attack."

"And you didn't ask her to leave?" Edward asked, playing with a strand of my hair as his other gently stroked a path from my shoulder down to my elbow.

"Are you kidding?" I snorted. "That would give her exactly what she wanted all along: the satisfaction to know she got to me and a reason to run to the dean and file a complaint about me. Nope, I'll just have to grin and bear it. Thank God she isn't in my other class."

That one was restricted to people who had already completed the class Jane was taking right now. Thank heavens for that, because I didn't know if I could survive an additional four hours of Jane Volturi.

I was really looking forward to tomorrow's class. The smaller group and less formal setting of the seminar would probably be make me feel more in my element than standing in front of a sea of students like I had today. The subject it dealt with – the three great female authors of the nineteenth century – was right up my alley as well and had me looking forward to what insights the students would derive from their works.

"Poor baby," he hummed, wrapping his arms tightly around my frame and resting his head on my shoulders. "At least you still have tomorrow to look forward to."

"Hmmm," I yawned, my eyelids suddenly feeling like they had weights attached to them. "No more Jane until Thursday."

We stayed like that until the water had run cold. By then I was already half asleep, only waking up enough to assist Edward in drying me off before dozing off in his arms again as he carried me to the bedroom.

--

I went through the same ritual of getting the kids and myself ready and out of the house on time for our day the next morning, though I had to admit that most of the giddiness I had felt the day before had pretty much gone. I knew my _Nineteenth Century English Literature_ class wasn't going to meet again until Thursday but there was no knowing when or how I would bump into Jane again.

I had been in my office for only a couple of minutes when Stefan barged through the door looking like the Grim Reaper was hot on his heals.

"Is it true that there's a specimen of Aro's poisonous little brood in one of your classes?" he panted.

"You mean Jane Volturi?" I smirked.

"That's her name?" he asked, looking like I had just told him about a dangerous criminal residing on campus. "It's the little twerp that got you to loose your job, right?"

"Yep."

"Dear lord."

"Yep."

"What is she like?" Stefan scooted so close to the desk he was almost sitting on it.

"What can I say?" I snorted. "She takes after her dad."

"Dear Lord," Stefan breathed, producing a handkerchief from his pocket and wiping his forehead while looking pensively out in front of him. "I think she may be in one of my classes as well."

"Have you checked the sign up sheets?" I asked, barely able to contain my laughter as a look of horror passed over his face.

"Not yet," he said, the expression that was on his face made me suspect he didn't dare to. He had heard enough stories about Aro's evil brood over the last year to know what he was up against.

"How do I handle her?" he asked after a while.

"Just close your eyes, think of Britain and – if all else fails – throw her out," I snorted. "At least you have the authority and the standing to do so, being a senior professor."

"That bad huh?" he mused.

"I guess it's something you have to experience for yourself," I joked, gathering my notes and handouts for the class I was about to teach.

My second day went a lot better than the first had, mostly due to the complete lack of Jane. The students in today's class were a little more advanced than the mostly freshmen in yesterday's class and – even though it was only the first class of the semester - a lively discussion about Wuthering Heights versus Northanger Abbey had been started before we were even halfway through the class.

As I suspected most of the students were already familiar with most of the works included in the syllabus and were expecting me to help them get to the core of them and offer them new background information on the authors and the times the novels were composed in.

Seeing as I had the afternoon off, I left shortly after I was done with my class. Tomorrow would be a day wholly dedicated to doing research for my thesis so I didn't have classes to prepare for. I picked up some chocolate cake at a bakery close by to celebrate another Volturi free day and my sister in law coming to visit before picking Masen up from Rose's.

"How is supermom doing?" Rose joked as soon as I entered the living room. It had been a little easier for me to walk away today but I feared we still had a long way to go before I would feel less guilty about leaving my little boy behind in the mornings.

"Supermom is feeling not so super, though a little bit more super than she was yesterday" I chuckled. "I may even need another shot of Volturi before I let it go to my head and actually start feeling good about myself. How about you? Are you regretting your offer of taking care of Masen yet?"

"Nope," she grinned, tickling Masen's cheek. "Having him around only makes me want another baby of my own even more."

"Who would have thought that the proud captain of the fashion Gestapo would get broody like that?" I joked.

"I know," she giggled. "If you would have told me ten years ago that I would gladly give up my job and the perkiness of my tits to become a full time mother I would have decked you! Having kids changed all of that."

"Are you becoming soft Rose?" I snorted.

"Never!" she growled flexing and stretching her fingers to get the message across. "Don't say scary things like that!"

We chatted some more before Masen and I headed back home. Libby had a play date this afternoon which left the two of us to spend some time together before Alice arrived.

I was just done feeding him when the bell rang before the pixie let herself in using the spare key we had given her.

In hindsight that might not have been the smartest of ideas.

It wasn't that I didn't trust the little pixie – she was harmless enough when there was no shopping or makeovers involved – it was just that she had the annoying tendency to pop up at the most inopportune moments. Like when Edward and I were getting hot and heavy on the sofa, or when I was naked and soaking in a bathtub after a day of work. With the word 'embarrassment' being strangely absent in the world of Alice Cullen she didn't even flinch or look away on either of those two occasions but just started talking as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on.

"Real life sucks!" she sighed dramatically, plopping down onto the sofa like a sack of potato.

"Join the club," I snorted. "I'm thinking about designing t-shirts."

"Shut up," she groaned. "You're supposed to be happy. The glow of new motherhood and all....."

"I think whoever thought of that has never had to get up in the middle of the night to feed a baby," I muttered. "And before you start yapping at me....you haven't heard who I get to spend four hours a week with for the next couple of months."

"Who?" Alice asked, perking up a little.

"Did Jasper ever mention Jane choosing Columbia over Harvard?"

"No shit!" Alice yelled, her eyes almost popping out of her head. "Jane is in your class?"

"Yep." I nodded, popping the 'p'. "And she's out to get me."

"I'd better get started on finding those t-shirts then," she giggled. "Poor Bella."

"Don't you start making fun of me," I warned. "The girl has only been on campus for a couple of days and already half the faculty is either scared to death of her or mad as hell. I even had to comfort Stefan today. I swear the guy was shivering like a friggin' Chihuahua in a snowstorm at the prospect of having to teach the little devil's spawn!"

"I'd love to have seen that," she laughed as I made my way to the kitchen to get us some coffee.

"So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?" I asked when I came back with a tray overstuffed with steaming coffee mugs, chocolate cake and the cookies Alice had brought over. "It sounded rather urgent."

"It's not.....well.....not per se.....," she stammered, her eyes fixed on her folded hands. "It's just that.....I don't know.....God this is hard!"

"You know you can tell me everything," I said, sitting down next to her and grabbing her hands before she broke bones with the way she was pressing them together. "You've seen me naked....if there's anything that creates a bond than it's that."

"Right," she chuckled before her eyes shot back down again. She took a deep breath, a determined look gliding over her face before she looked up and continued. "It's Jasper. He's kind of freaking me out at the moment."

"What?" I asked. "What did he do?"

"It's kind of more about what he doesn't do."

"What he doesn't do?"

"Everything is fine, really," she shrugged. "I love him and I know he loves me but it's just......I want to take our relationship to the next level."

"You mean getting married?" I asked, a sneaking suspicion dawning on me.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm happy with my life. I really am......We get along great and living with him is easy and amazing, well apart from the fact that he's messy and I'm not and that kind of bugs me. And – come to think of it – he should really reconsider the length of his hair. Anyway….. I should be happy with what I have.........but then I look at what you and Edward have together and all I can think about is that I want that too."

"Marriage or kids?" I asked.

"Both," she sobbed, leaning her head on my shoulder. "I know I should just sit back and wait for him to ask me but I want it so badly......"

"Have you ever tried talking to him about it?" I asked, wrapping one arm around her while the other wiped her tears away.

"I tried...." she sighed. "But every time I do he gets this freaky look in his eyes and conjures up some half assed excuse to get the hell out of the room."

"God, he can be such a guy sometimes," I growled under my breath. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Could you talk to him?" she sniffed. "You're his best friend. He might listen to you since you kind of 'get' him."

"I'll see what I can do," I sighed. I didn't like to get caught up in the middle of this but if Alice was right and Jasper was starting to get commitment issues again then I knew from experience that the only thing that would help him would be a good old fashioned kick in the ass.

"Thanks Bells," she sighed. "Have you thought about what you'd like to do when Carlisle and Esme are coming to visit in a couple of weeks? I was thinking about having a day just for us girls to catch up."

I snickered. It was just like Alice to flip from major drama in her personal life to making plans for a day out. At first I had found this ability of Alice to go from depressed to happy in less than a minute disturbing until I realized that was just who she was. Her mind was some kind of freaky marriage of extremities bounding around the place like a kangaroo on speed.

"I don't know Ali," I replied. "Remember how Rose developed an allergy for girl time after my bachelor party? I don't think she'll come."

"Then we don't mention to her it's just going to be just us girls," she shrugged. "It'll be fun. We could go to the spa. They have this special program for young girls so that Libby can join us and......."

I started to tune her out as she got all excited and started discussing the different types of seaweed you could get covered in at the spa she had in mind for us. I had no objection to going with them but that didn't mean I wanted to actually have an opinion on seaweed.

I thought back on what she had told me about Jasper and how I would breech the subject with him without making him run a mile or cutting off appendages Alice may have plans for in anger.

Most guys would probably run for the hills the moment they saw the true Alice but not Jazz. They fit so well together. He calmed her while she brought out the more lively side in him. That's why seeing him revert back into his old closed off, anti-commitment ways made me so angry.

It was time I had a serious conversation with my friend.

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_**So…..another chapter and we take another step closer to the main events in this story. **_

_**I know a few of you may be a little disappointed with the fact that there isn't a classroom-scene in this chapter. All I can say is that there will be plenty of 'real Jane' in this story. It's just that with there being only so many original ways to write about classroom situations I chose to reserve those for later on in the story when I really need them. **_

_**Okay…I'm stopping this AN now before I say too much about what's going to happen. If you want to try and pry more information out of me, or just want to chat, please join me at the twilighted thread. I post teasers, pictures and other information over there as well. **_

_**Copy past the link **__**http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)?f=44&t=3998&sid=0c870c21f2658cebded6c034c187f711&p=459963#p459963**__** and replace the (dot) with . and it should take you there.**_

_**For now….please review.**_


	4. Choices & Sacrifices

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**It's Monday, so time for another fix of Foundations. Before we start I'd like to say a great big thank you to my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for whipping this chapter into shape.**_

_**I know a lot of you are dying to find out what kind of misery I have in store for you. All I can say is bear with me for a little while. I need another couple of chapters to set things up before the madness will start. You will understand why when we get there. (Yes, I hate speaking in riddles too)**_

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**Choices and Sacrifices.**

_**October 2009**_

"Did the results come back on Mrs. Drake in room 404?" I asked, scribbling a few notes on a patient's chart before placing it back in the tray.

"The lab's pretty backed up right now," Nurse Farley shrugged, never taking her eyes away from her own work.

"That's not good enough," I growled, slightly raising my voice. "They are coming to prep her for surgery in half an hour and if the results aren't there and checked over to see if there are any anomalies _you_ can be the one to tell doctor House."

That worked.

Nurse Farley yanked her head up so fast it could have shot into orbit if it wasn't attached to the rest of her body. "Then you should have ordered those labs sooner, didn't you," she spat back. "Or you wouldn't have been in this situation."

Not exactly the reaction I had been hoping for.

"I was in surgery before...." I started.

"Not my problem," she shrugged. "You're the flashy surgeon, you get paid the big bucks....you fix it."

I had gone head to head with Nurse Farley more times that I'd care to remember. She was a force to be reckoned with in this hospital, an institution almost. She had worked here longer than anyone remembered and had seen just about everything during her time. She must have liked her job since she continued to perform it even when she could have retired years ago. She had a pretty funky way of showing it though…..

Her whole demeanor was meant to put the fear of God into people. She was tall and scrawny; her skin so pale it looked like it had never seen the sun. Over the time the lines in her face had deepened, giving her a haughty, austere look that was only heightened by her English accent, a reminder of the country she was born in. I remembered that when I started out at the hospital I overheard a few of the other resident's joke she had trained under Florence Nightingale herself. She certainly looked old enough for it.

The first lesson taught to all interns and residents upon arriving at this hospital – after 'steer clear of House if you can and say as little as possible if you can't' – was to always treat her with the same reference you would show to royalty or she would make you pay for it.

I had found that one out the hard way myself and more often than I'd like to remember too. She'd make you work hard for your redemption meaning that you could forget about scrubbing in on any surgery and getting a decent night's sleep when you were on call for as long as she deemed necessary to teach you your lesson. She could have taught Nurse Ratched from _One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest_ a thing or two.

Somewhere along the way I had also found that she had a heart buried underneath all of those wrinkles and hostility after all. She just didn't take crap from anyone which, considering the total lack of respect some of the surgeons showed the nursing staff wasn't all that surprising. We had even established some sort of working relationship over the time, though it was as fragile as bone China.

It would be of no use to start explaining to her that I wouldn't be making the 'big bucks' for another couple of years. I was walking a fine line as it was already, no need to aggravate the beast any further.

"Could you at least call and ask if they have an ETA?" I pleaded, switching tactics from passive aggressive to charm as I flashed the special 'Cullen smile' her way.

"Do you really think that is going to work on me?" she snorted, looking at me with a bemused smirk. "Save your charm for your missus."

"Will you?" I persevered, "I have some other patients to check on before debriefing House. He'll kill me if those results aren't there."

"Sure honey," she grinned, obviously placated by my humbleness. "It would be a shame to see a pretty face like yours go to waste."

"Thank you Nurse Farley," I grinned, almost leaping over the desk to kiss her but thinking better of it at the last moment. "I owe you one."

"Yeah, yeah," she waved with mock disinterest, returning her attention to the chart in front of her. "As I said...save it for the missus."

I made my rounds around the hospital, checking on my patients and making sure they were progressing in the way they should before heading over to room 404.

The patient – Mrs. Drake – was in here for a triple bypass surgery and if all went well, would be taken up to the OR shortly.

"Doctor Cullen," she smiled as soon as I walked into the room. "Have you come to see me in my hour of need?"

"Now Mrs. Drake..." I chuckled, squeezing her trembling hand in reassurance. "You know you're in excellent hands. Doctor House has performed this procedure countless times and...."

"And I shouldn't fuss like a bride on the eve of her wedding," she sighed.

"I'm not saying that," I smiled. "You have every right to be nervous. I would be as well, were I in your position right now. All I'm asking you is to go into this operation with an optimistic state of mind. Research has indicated that optimism helps in the recovery process."

"Thank you," she spoke with a solemn sincerity to her voice. "I know you won't be the one performing the actual surgery today but the fact that you'll be in there is of huge comfort to me and I really appreciate you taking the time to come chat with this bitter old hag every now and then."

"It's a pleasure," I chuckled, reminded once again of how similar her attitude was to Mrs. Cope's. "You're my favorite patient, you know."

"I bet you say that to all the girls!" she giggled, swatting my hand away.

"Doctor Cullen," Caius House's voice sounded from the entrance to the room. "Would you like a little more alone time or are you ready to present your case?"

I froze, taking a few breaths to revert back into the aloof professional House would have me be before I presented the case, glad that nurse Farley had somehow convinced those sluggers up at the lab to do their job and finish those labs I had ordered hours ago.

"Good," House nodded after I was done. "You can go scrub in. I'll meet you there."

"Thanks," I replied, shooting a last reassuring look in Mrs. Drake's direction before backing out the room.

The operation went as planned with House doing most of the work while firing off his usual sarcastic comments about the staff or his patients and grilling the interns and, on occasion, us residents with the most impossible questions he could think of.

"Good work doctor Cullen," he complimented me, stepping back from the table after making sure the actual bypass was done to his satisfaction. "You can finish this on your own. I'll see you in my office at four."

"Thanks," I said, a little baffled by his sudden praise. House was never one to make compliments or even acknowledge the people around him beyond their defects. I looked up to see the entire operating staff look at me in amazement.

"Well are you just going to stand there like some alien took your brain or are you going to close the poor woman's chest?" House sneered before leaving the OR. He didn't even look back to see if we had snapped back into action mode yet.

After closing the wound and making sure Mrs. Drake was brought to _Recovery_ and taken care of I made another round to check on my patients, pausing a little longer than maybe necessary to chat with Mr. Banner.

Like Mrs. Cope he was a regular to the surgical ward. He had been in and out of hospital for years now due to heart failure but over the last couple of months the problem had gone from bad to worse.

"How am I doing?" he asked as I looked over his chart.

"Not too bad," I reassured him. He was doing as well as could be expected with a heart that was shutting down on him. "Did they tell you about the operation?"

"It's tomorrow right?" he asked, his eyes betraying his nervousness.

"Yes," I nodded. If all went according to plan he would be hooked up to and LVAD machine tomorrow which would make his life a little more bearable while he waited for a new heart.

"Will I be alright?" he asked, licking his lips as his eyes searched mine.

"I could lie to you and tell you that everything is fine but as you know....there's no way of knowing that," I sighed. "What I can tell you is that you're in excellent condition, considering the state of your heart, and that the benefits of the procedure definitely outweigh the risks. I know it isn't much, but it's all I can give you in reassurance."

"Okay," he nodded, his brain processing the information. "Thanks for not beating around the bush or glossing over the risks."

"It's my job," I shrugged. "I wouldn't be much of a doctor if I lied to you."

"Doctor Cullen?" Nurse Farley stood in the doorway, looking as imposing as ever. "I believe doctor House is waiting for you in his office."

"Shit!" I growled. "Sorry...." I smiled apologetically.

"Don't be," Mr. Banner laughed. "I taught high school biology and besides...I've met doctor House. If anyone is allowed to curse up a storm, it's you!"

I quickly excused myself and sped as fast as my own two feet could carry me up the stairs and down the corridor towards House's office.

"He's waiting for you," his secretary called after me as I ran towards the door. As I opened it I saw House sitting behind his desk with three seats in front of it. Two of them were filled by Kate and Garrett.

"Ah! If that isn't Doctor McDaddy gracing us with his presence," House sneered as soon as I walked into his office. "How nice of you to join us at last."

"Sorry," I mumbled, taking my seat next to Kate, "I got held up with a patient."

"Doctor McBoobies and Doctor Doolittle over here were starting to worry you weren't going to show up at all!" House went on; making us all wish he'd never stumbled across Grey's Anatomy by accident. He had made it his mission to come up with new names for all of us since then, claiming it was 'the cool thing to do'.

"I'm here now," I grumbled. "What is it that you wanted to see us about?"

"Do you have a train to catch or a dirty nappy to change or something?" House questioned, his eyebrow arched in sarcasm. I wasn't fooled though. He might come up as sarcastic and disinterested in reality there was hardly anything going on at the hospital that evaded him. Not only was he the most gifted and meticulous surgeon I had ever worked with, he also had just about the sharpest mind I had ever seen and right now I knew he had definitely picked up on the fact that my mind was more occupied with the goings on at home then it was with the hospital. I had to up my game if I wanted to have a future at this hospital and I had to do it fast. "Jeez! If you continue to act like that I'm going to have to change your name into Doctor McGrumpy or something!"

"Or Doctor House," Kate whispered too low for House to hear.

"My apologies," I replied to Caius' reproach, barely keeping in my laughter. "It has been a long day."

"Noted and appreciated," he nodded. "But I didn't drag the three of you in here for a big old love fest. I wanted to discuss your futures with you."

I perked up. Could it be that this was the day we had all been living towards over the last couple of weeks? Would he finally announce the candidates for the cardiothoracic fellowship the hospital offered every year to one lucky son of a bitch?

"Since your residencies at this hospital will soon be drawing to a close I am sure the three of you have thought about your options when you're done...." He paused, looking at us for confirmation. "I know the three of you have indicated your preference for cardiothoracic surgery over the past few years and as you well know this hospital has a habit of offering one resident a yearlong opportunity to work as a surgical fellow in that field....." Once again he paused until he had seen our nods. "The three of you – for whatever reason – have been deemed competent enough to apply for the spot. The selection process will be very rigorous and even though the decision won't be made until next April, I would be lying if I said we wouldn't be watching you closely until then. You guys need to step it up....."

"Guys?" Kate sneered, shocking us all with the way she interrupted House. No one did that, unless they had a sudden urge to do nothing but perform enema's and empty bedpans for the rest of the week. "What am I? Chopped liver? I have boobs and I wear them with pride so please acknowledge them!"

"Oooh, feisty!" House sang, his eyes shimmering with delight as Garrett and I just stared at her in amazement, completely baffled by her brazenness. "Me-ow!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever," Kate muttered. "Just give me an even chance okay?"

"Hey!" House shrugged, holding his hands up in front of him as if he were afraid she would start clawing his eyes out any minute now. "It's not like I even dare to refuse you anything if you go all Lara Croft on me......"

"Thanks....I guess," Kate growled.

"So as I said," House continued. "Over the next couple of months the three of you will be under close scrutiny. Not only will you be competing amongst yourself, we will also be bringing in a few other contenders from outside CUMC so I expect you to be on the top of your game." His eyes lingered on me as he spoke. "I look forward to seeing you squirm and kiss ass to the best of your abilities over the next few months. I wonder who is going to crack first......" He stared out in front of him with a bemused smirk, letting his eyes glide over the three of us every now and then as if to assess our strengths and weaknesses.

"Are we just supposed to sit here and let him gawk at us?" Kate hissed under her breath, low enough to not be heard by anyone but me.

"Don't know," I whispered back, though I did know that, unless House would kick me out of here, I wouldn't be going anywhere.

"So are you in?" House questioned, his grin back in place.

"Hell yes! Garrett boomed and I could see him struggling to keep his usual fist pump at bay.

"Count me in," Kate smiled. "I might be marrying this idiot sitting next to me but that doesn't mean I'm not going to completely kick his ass."

"That's my girl," House grinned, smiling down on her like a proud father. "Doctor Cullen?"

"Yes?" My reply came out more as a question than a firm answer. My mind was too clouded by a barrage of doubts and questions barging through it like a stampede of buffalo.

"Are you not sure, Doctor Cullen?" House asked in his characteristically sarcastic voice. "If you're not, you could always contemplate a career in family practice or orthopedics or something…."

"No," I said, commanding every bit of resolve I had. "I'm sure. I'm in."

"Good," he nodded. "Now get the hell out of my office. All of you."

And with that we were dismissed.

"You okay Edward?" Kate asked, placing her hand on my arm. "You looked like you were about to throw up in there."

"I'm fine," I sighed, shaking my head. "Just tired. It's a good thing my shift ends in five minutes."

"Yeah," she smiled. "Go home, get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow."

When I paused in front of the locker room door and watched her march down the corridor I saw a new bounce to her step, her shoulders straight and her head held up proudly.

She was definitely a force to be reckoned with. I knew House liked her because of her attitude and I had seen up close how good a surgeon she had become.

The dynamics within our group had shifted and it was already palpable. We weren't just friends now. We were also rivals. Three ambitious surgeons who were competing for the same spot. I couldn't just tell her everything anymore and the realization of that made my stomach clench even further.

The Douglas Ross Cardiothoracic Fellowship had been one of my main motives of applying for a residency at this hospital. Named in honor of one of the hospital most famous surgeons it not only offered the chance to learn new skills and study the heart in all it's facets and flaws, with both the hospitals reputation and the prestige attached to this particular fellowship it would probably make my career in cardiothoracic surgery. From what I had heard any student successfully completing the fellowship would have hospitals nationwide offering them positions of their team.

For months now I had been waiting for House to start this race and now that the starting signal had finally sounded I felt excited and impatient to finally be able to show my potential, to test my own capabilities against those of my peers and try to come out on top.

But most of all I felt fear. A blinding, all consuming panic that this race would have me losing everything I had worked for in stead of gaining it.

I had wanted to go into cardiothoracic for as long as I could remembered. At first it had been because it was one of the more difficult and high profile specialties around, later because the workings of the human heart had started to fascinate me.

I could have gone into neurosurgery like Carlisle but that had seemed like the easy way out. I was having a hard enough time to proof myself for who I was and not be 'Carlisle's boy' as it was already. If I followed in my fathers footsteps it would be as if I were trading on his name. I didn't want that. I wanted to make my own name and a career in cardiothoracic surgery would allow me to do that.

A career in cardiothoracic had been all I ever wanted and here I was standing on the edge of it, too afraid to jump in.

What if I didn't get it? Would there still be a chance of realizing my dream? And what if I did get it but failed to impress my superiors?

I knew that getting in would mean working side by side with Caius House for at least the next year and, if they offered me a spot on their team by the end of it, for the rest of my life. Did I want that? Would being around him change me into him? Was I prepared to risk that?

Then, as my fears started to run wildly, I thought about my family at home. I knew that if I wanted to secure this fellowship I had to give it my all. Work would have to come first for at least the next couple of months. Did I want that? Could I find a middle ground?

What would Bella say?

Did I even want to bother her with this?

I knew the last couple of weeks had been hard on her. I had seen her smile slowly fade into a frown. She was trying so hard but found it difficult to balance her job with motherhood and on top of it all she had Jane Volturi driving her to the brink of insanity.

I couldn't count the times I had been edging to jump into my car and speed over to her dorm to torture the little bitch to death and dump her corpse in the Hudson never to be found again. I wanted more than anything to help Bella, make her happy or at least make her smile more, but I knew I had to stand back and let her deal with this on her own.

I left the hospital and drove over to Emmett's gym for a workout session with my brother in law. Seeing as Bella had to work late on Monday Rose had suggested we have diner at their place. That way Bella didn't have to cook and I would get an hour or so to myself if I didn't have to work. Not that I didn't enjoy every minute I got to spend with Masen and Libby but sometimes it was nice to just be able to work out at the gym at a normal time of day or prepare for next day's surgeries in the comfort of my own home which wasn't possible with two small children to take care off.

In the end it had ended up as some sort of 'family dinner' with Jasper and Alice joining us as well. On most weeks it was the only time we got the see everyone. Alice was still very busy catering to the demands of New York's fashionistas and Jasper had been remarkably absent of late.

I had started to notice it about a week after Bella started working again, He didn't come round the house as often as he used to do before and even when he did he spend more time joking around with Libby then talking to Bella like they used to do. I wondered if something was wrong between them.

"Eddie! You ready man?" Emmett greeted as I walked out of the locker room.

"I guess," I nodded, still preoccupied with my thoughts.

After a quick warm up we took to the weightlifting station to start our workout while I still wondered if I had really made the right decision earlier today in House's office. Going into cardiothoracic surgery had been a dream for so long but as I mulled over my decision I started to wonder if it was still what I wanted or whether it had been a decision that was made in another lifetime, by the old version of me, the selfish womanizer who disappointed just about everyone around him.

Over the years I had cleaned up every last piece of evidence there was of the old me, the version I would much rather forget. I dressed differently, spoke differently, and acted a hell of a lot mature. Hell...I even though differently than the person I had been for those few horrendous years.

Were my selfish aspirations just another part of _that_ Edward I would have to put behind me or was it was _I_ really wanted?

Of course I knew the answer. This was my dream. It had been before I went to Dartmouth and let myself slip into the abyss.

It had been the dream that started the first time Carlisle sneaked me into the hospital and let me shadow him for a day or maybe even before.....

_I _wanted to do this – more than I had ever wanted anything in my life apart from Bella – but I feared what the price of professional success would do to my life.

I knew that being a surgeon required some sacrifices in my personal life and up to now I had been able and willing to make them but with the upcoming competition I knew those sacrifices would increase tenfold. I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with my family as I had been over the last year and I wasn't at all sure if that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Not right now.

When Bella and I had decided to have another child I had promised myself to be there for her and for the baby. I wanted to make up for every moment I had missed out on with Libby but most of all I wanted to see this baby grow from a little clomp of cells into a human being with its own thoughts and mind. I knew that if I entered this race I would be missing valuable time with Masen. Would I still be able to keep my promise?

And what about Bella? I could see how much she was struggling right now. She had been determined to prove to herself and the rest of the world that she could be a mother and develop her potential at the same time but – as proud as I was of her accomplishments – her persistence and stubbornness had me worried. Was she really doing this for herself or was she still trying to proof something to her mother and those horrendous bitches she had encountered at Yale? She needed me and I wouldn't be there for her as much as I would like over the next couple of months.

"Ed man! Some help?" Emmett wheezed, his face almost turning purple and the muscles on his arms were trembling as he held his weight bar up.

"Fuck! Sorry man!" I apologized, helping Emmett out of his predicament. I was supposed to be spotting him but with everything that was going through my mind I had completely forgotten about my task.

"Okay, let's have it out!" Emmett growled, his head looking like it was about to explode.

"What?"

"You're obviously bothered by something and I want you to get it off your chest before someone ends up in hospital."

"As of today the race for the one fellowship in the cardiothoracic team has started," I sighed wiping the sweat off my face as I sat down on one of the benches next to the weightlifting station.

"Sorry, bro," Emmett smiled. "You lost me there. What kind of fellowship?"

"It's an opportunity to work with the hospital's heart surgeons for a year," I explained. "If you want to become a heart surgeon this fellowship is the way to get there."

"And you want to become a heart surgeon?" Emmett confirmed.

"For as long as I wanted to become a doctor," I nodded.

"And is this the only chance of becoming one?" Emmett asked, sitting down next to me.

"Not the only option....." I replied. "But it's just about the only option available to me. Another surgeon could apply to fellowships all around the country. Sure....most hospitals prefer selecting from within their own residents but you'd still have a chance....."

"But because of Bella and the kids you have to remain in New York, right?" Emmett interrupted.

"Right," I sighed.

"And there aren't any other of these fellowship thingies to be had around here?"

"There are…." I sighed. "But this one is the best there is, not just in New York but in the entire country. And apart from that…..with hospitals being notorious for recruiting from within their own staff this is probably the best shot I have of getting in anyway."

"Man! I can understand why that has you nervous like a pig in a butcher's shop!" Emmett whistled. "So when do you find out?"

"Not until a couple of months," I said. "The selection process has only started today. Sure...on paper they will be selecting the candidate on academic merit and letters of recommendation but in reality most of the doctors will really be looking at the standard of work I'll be pulling off over the next couple of months."

"Did you tell Bella yet?" Emmett asked. "She'll be proud of you....."

"I don't know..." I interrupted. "The people on the selection board probably won't be too impressed with the way I've been acting lately. They look at dedication to the job and your drive to perform groundbreaking surgery and lately both my drive and my dedication have been with my family."

"I see," Emmett nodded.

"I don't even know if I want it anymore." I hopped up from the bench, my anger and frustration making me restless. "I mean.....what if I end up becoming a stranger to my kids over the next couple of months? I just found Bella and Libby and with Masen being born....."

"Calm down Edward," Emmett ordered, pushing me back onto the bench.

"Maybe it would be better if I gave up," I shrugged. "Bella wouldn't even have to know...."

"What do you think Bella would do if she found out you gave up your dreams?"

"She'd kill me,"

"That sounds like the Bella I know and love," Emmett grinned.

"But what do I say to her?"

"How about start at the beginning and just be honest and tell her what's going on?" he shrugged. "She'd like that. Chicks always like honesty."

"I can't just dump all of this on her," I groaned, getting more and more frustrated. "She's going through enough already. I don't need to bother her with all of my shit as well."

"That's marriage for ya," Emmett chuckled. "When you stood in front of that priest last summer you promised her you'd share all of your shit with her. Now it's time to keep that promise."

"I guess you're right," I sighed. "I just don't want to say the wrong things and hurt her feelings."

"Hey! I never said this would be easy!" he replied, his hand slamming down on my back in reassurance. "Just take a tip from me and wait for the right time. If you blurt it out the moment she walks through the door she ain't gonna take it too well. Found that one out through experience...."

The pained look on his face told me that Rose probably kicked his ass for whatever he had done.

"Thanks, point taken," I chuckled, patting him on the back in return. "So what's for dinner?"

"I don't know," Emmett grinned. "I guess whatever takeout menu is on top of the stack."

We both laughed, knowing Rose was never a great fan of domestic chores like cooking. Emmett had – not so long ago – been on the receiving end of one of Rose's blowups when he asked her what it was that she was doing all day that had her so tired at night since she didn't cook and a housekeeper came in twice a week to clean the house.

Emmett had spent that night - and the next one - at our place.....

When we walked through the door of their apartment we were hit by a wall of sound. Libby was running around the apartment, with Charlie hot on her heels, giggling and squealing with Alice cheering them on from the sofa.

"A good evening to you, love of my life, fruit of my loins and other assembled friends and relatives! Have no fear....the Pater familias has returned after another tiresome day at the office!" Emmett boomed as he entered the huge open plan living space.

"Hi Emmett!" Alice chirped as Rose rolled her eyes, huffed something under her breath and turned her attention back to Jasper and Bella.

"Daddy!" Libby yelled, running up to me and wrapping her arms around my legs.

"Angel!" I laughed, the tension of the rest of the day fading like snowflakes in the sun as soon as I had my little girl in my arms. "How was your day?"

"We got to built a castle today!" she panted, her eyes nearly budging out of her head.

"A real one?" I beamed back. "In only one day?"

"No silly," she giggled. "It's made out of paper. Miss Milano had all these really cool paper models and then she handed them out and we got to paint them in pretty colors and when we were finished we glued them together and I got hardly any glue on my hands. Teacher said mine was one of the best in the whole class!"

"That's great honey!" I praised, setting her back on her own two feet. "Did you bring it home with you?"

"Nope," she shook her head. "It's still at school but if you ask her nicely I'm sure Miss Milano will let you come and have a look."

"I'll think of that!" I laughed.

"She's really nice daddy," Libby went on. "Do you know her parents come all the way from Italy? She can actually speak Italian too. She taught us to say 'hello' and 'nice to meet you' in Italian today!"

"She did?" I replied.

"Hmmmm," she nodded, her browns furrowing as she tried to remember the right words. "I remember that 'hello' is _bonsjorno_, though I think I forgot the other one….."

"Bonna sera, signorina," I laughed, helping her along. "Come stai?"

"That's it! That's it!" Libby squealed. "_Comme stay_!"

"Very good sweetheart," I chuckled.

"But how did you know daddy? You're not Italian…."

"Grandma and granddad used to take me to Italy when I was younger," I explained, "so I picked up a few words when I was there."

"You're so smart!' Libby gushed.

"Don't repeat that too often, baby squirt!" Emmett chuckled from his spot on the sofa. "It will only make your daddy's head even bigger than it already is!"

"I wish I could learn to speak another language like Miss Milano." Libby frowned, studying the size of my head.

"I'm sure that will be possible when you're a little older," I replied. "But for now let's just focus on learning to read and write in English."

"Okay," she nodded before skipping back to Charlie and started helping him assemble some kind of building from his blocks.

Looking around the room I saw Bella standing in the kitchen with Masen in her arms, her attention fixed on our son as she listened to something Jasper said.

She still took my breath away whenever I saw her. She was so beautiful. I had known the moment I first saw her that she was going to be my salvation. Every inch of her was love and was calling out to me to be loved.

"Edward!" I could see the light dancing in her eyes in her eyes as I walked up to her and she leaned forward to kiss me. Careful not to crush our son I closed the distance and claimed her lips, forgetting about our family standing around us the moment I felt her soft, sweet lips brush against mine.

"How was your day love?" I asked in between kisses

"Tiresome," Bella sighed, "but what's new? I actually made it through class with Jane asking only one question and it wasn't even inappropriate!"

"That's a miracle indeed!" I chuckled.

"It might be because she has her presentation coming up on Friday and she want to placate me," Bella added, smiling genuinely as she placed Masen in my arms.

"Well hello little man!" I cooed, as Masen's eyes focused on me. "How was your day?" He looked adorable in his blue shirt and charcoal trousers with matching blue socks, an outfit Alice had no doubt bought for him. She still had that same habit of showing up at our house with suitcases filled with clothing and wouldn't take no for an answer.

Bella had put up a struggle at first, bolting the door as soon as she spotted the familiar yellow Porsche pulling up in front of our home but ever since Alice had a key she had concluded that resistance was futile.

As soon as she found out Bella was pregnant she had thrown herself into creating a wardrobe for Masen that even Kingston Rossdale – whoever that might be – would be jealous about.

"He slept, he ate he pooped, what else did you expect?" Rose laughed, carrying a breadbasket to the table.

"Don't pay attention to your evil aunt," I reassured my son. "She's just jealous."

"Right, that would be it," Rose smirked, rolling her eyes at me.

"And how was your day Edward?" Bella asked looking at Masen and me with a loving gaze.

"Much the same as yours," I chuckled. "House opened the race for the fellowship today....."

"That's great Edward!" she squealed, pride beaming from her eyes. "I know you're going to get it. You're the best surgeon they have...."

"Can we talk about this when I get back?" I asked. "We have a few things to discus and I don't think this is the place to do it."

"Sure," she smiled, taking Masen back so that she could place him in his crib next door. "Just know that I'm proud of you. I know you're going to do great. Don't worry."

"Thanks," I muttered, watching her walk out of the kitchen. Emmett had been right. Bella knew all about my dreams of becoming a heart surgeon and I was pretty sure she was never going to stand by and let me give it up, no matter how big the sacrifices that had to be made. We would just have to find a way around all of this together for the next couple of months.

Dinner was nice as always. Libby – happy to be eating with the 'grownups' – shared more stories from her day while we ate and Jasper and Bella had a thing or two to add about their students. I didn't know how they managed to put up with the crap they had to deal with every day. Sure, being bossed around by Caius House wasn't easy, but for the most part I could ignore him.

"How did Jane end up studying English anyway?" Rose asked. "I thought you said she was going to be a lawyer?"

"I don't know," Bella mused.

"I do," Jasper interrupted. "Aro may have been able to bully the teachers into going easy on her but he could never mess with the SAT's. They showed her for what she really was: a good student but definitely no highflyer. I think that's why she got rejected for Harvard."

"She got rejected?" I coughed, almost choking on my noodles.

"Yep," Jasper grinned. "You should have seen Aro's face. I thought it was going to explode."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bella huffed. That was just the kind of news I needed.

"You were pregnant," he shrugged. "I didn't want you to go into premature labor."

"Asshole," she muttered so low Libby probably wouldn't be able to hear.

"Hey now you know," he shrugged. "What is she doing at the English Literature department anyway? I thought she had her heart set on becoming a lawyer?"

"She must have changed her mind," Bella smirked. "She wants to be a writer now."

"I didn't know she had any kind of imagination?" Alice chimed in.

"I don't know Al," Rose retorted. "From what I've heard of the little creep she would probably be able to come up with a villain that would make Lord Voldemort seem like a cuddly little kitty cat."

"Who is Lord Voldemort?" Libby asked, looking up from her plate.

"A bad guy from a book sweetie," Bella explained. "Not someone you should know."

"Right."

"How's my man Garrett?" Emmett asked. "Is he alright? He doesn't come over to the gym as much as he used to...."

"He's fine," I replied, scooping up another bite of my food. "Work has been keeping him pretty busy for the last couple of weeks and on top of that he's still trying to find the perfect engagement ring for Kate...."

"They're taking the vows?" Emmett boomed. "Sweet!"

"Yep," I nodded. "Kate finally got him to pop the question, though I guess he would have gotten round to it sooner if he wasn't so scared of her..."

I could feel the atmosphere in the room shifting immediately. Alice paled and shot a nervous look at Bella before focusing her attention on Jasper, who was hunched over so low he could have snorted up his noodles if he wanted to. When she realized she wasn't getting a reaction from him she focused her attention on her own meal, though her sad look didn't escape my notice.

"What's all that about?" I whispered to Bella.

"Later," she hissed back, shooting a killer glare at Jasper.

The rest of diner past without further incident and before I knew it we were on our way back home with a sleeping Masen and an equally quiet Libby in the back seat.

"You know….." Bella mused, "I had the funniest little chat with Libby the other day."

"It that so?" I squeaked, feigning ignorance about the topic that conversation probably would have evolved around, as I tried to study her face for signs of anger in my peripheral vision.

"Hmm," she nodded. "She wanted to know where babies came from."

"Fancy that!" I stammered. "I wonder what made her think of that?"

"I don't know," Bella mused, staring out in front of her. "It may have something to do with the insane mumblings of a certain person, really confusing her…."

"So you know?" I sighed, trying to hide my face in the collar of my jacket.

"Of course I do, you silly man!" she giggled. "Libby came running to me to tell me all about your failed attempt at telling her about the birds and the bees as soon as she got me alone. "

"And you're not mad?" I tried to confirm.

"Nope," she chuckled. "I'm actually amazed at how hard you tried before you threw in the towel!"

"Huh?"

"I know men don't like to think of their little girls growing up and starting to think about boys and babies…..I actually thought you'd run away screaming with your hands covering your ears as soon as she asked her question…..I'm proud of you."

"Thanks?" I stammered.

"That being said……" she continued. "You're going to be the one to give her the sex talk when she gets older."

"Fuck!" I muttered under my breath, banging my head on the steering wheel as I parked the car in front of our house.

"Yeah," Bella grinned. "That about covers it."

Masen started waking up when we got him out of the car seat and Bella took him upstairs to feed him and get him ready for bed while I helped Libby get settled for the night and fixed a drink for Bella and myself.

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Bella said as soon as she got back from upstairs. "You don't look all that happy considering your dream job has just come one step closer....."

"I'm just afraid of what this is going to do to us," I sighed, rubbing my face as she sat down next to me on the sofa. "I could already see what it was doing to my friendship with Kate and Garrett today, I don't want you and Libby and Masen to suffer as well."

"What's the worst thing that can happen?" she questioned.

"That I won't be there when you all need me....that I miss every important step in Masen's life while I'm over at the hospital running after my own selfish dream....." I sighed, looking at my feet.

"Edward," she stated, her eyes demanding my attention, "don't you think that's a bit...I don't know....melodramatic?"

"What?"That definitely wasn't the reply I had been expecting.

"Sure," she said lightly. "You won't get to spend as much time at home as you'd like and – believe me – we'll all miss you like crazy but we also want to see you happy and if you sacrifice this one dream you've been having for years now you won't be."

"But......"

"It's only for a couple of months," she continued. "You said it yourself....once the decision is made things will go back to a normal kind of state again...I think we can manage for that long."

"Masen...."

"I'll make sure you spend enough time with both our children," she interrupted, her tone making it clear she didn't want any arguments from me. "And I hardly think that within the next couple of months he'll be able to speak with two words and eat with knife and fork."

"But you......."

"I'll manage Edward," she smiled, taking my hand and squeezing it lightly. "I did this before, remember? And with Libby I did it all on my own. It will be tough but I'll manage and if I don't I'm sure I can work something out with Professor Bell. I've been meaning to ask him if I can get another year to work on my thesis anyway...."

"No," I interrupted, the ferocity in my voice startling both of us. Her words angered me but my anger wasn't pointed at her but at myself. I was doing it again. She was going to put her life on hold because of something I did – or wanted to do. "You won't put your own dreams in danger because you want to make me follow through on mine. I've ruined your life once....I won't ruin your future as well!"

"Nice one Edward!" she spat back, her eyes filling with tears as a hurt look appeared on her face. "Do you really think one extra year is going to ruin my future?" She looked at me, her now angry eyes defying me to speak. "I'll tell you the answer: no it isn't! I've set myself up with a pretty challenging schedule and now I have to conclude that I might need more time so I'm going to discus it with my supervisor, the same supervisor who has been nagging me for weeks to take it slower. I'm not giving up on my dreams Edward. I'm fighting for them....the same thing you should be doing!"

"But I feel like I'm abandoning you....like I'm kicking you in the shins when I should be there to support you."

"You're not," she said, her voice and face softening as she placed her hands on my cheeks. "You would be abandoning me if you gave up the fight without even trying. I want you to be happy Edward. Can't you see that? And if that means having a few hard months to soldier through then so be it. We are going to make it and when we get to the other side we'll be stronger than ever."

"Fine," I sighed, looking away from her again.

"That's the man I married," she chuckled, as I lay down in the sofa, placing my head in her lap.

"But if all of this goes wrong I'm blaming you!" I joked.

"I'll give you Jane's number," she giggled, her hands brushing my hair out of my face. "You might want to take some tips from her."

My fears started to slowly ebb away while we remained there in the darkening room, my head in her lap and her fingers weaving pathways through my hair. Hardly any words were spoken that night after our conversation ended. We didn't need them....we just...were. I guess that was what being married was all about: placing you trust in one another and hoping the other party would use it to prevent you from making mistakes.

I saw now what Emmett had been trying to tell me that afternoon about how Bella would be more upset with me if I gave up my dream than she ever could be if I followed it. I just hoped this decision would be the right one and that we wouldn't come to regret it.

--

Surgery on Mr. Banner the next day took longer than expected. The heart is a tough muscle but there is only so much it could take and Mr. Banner's heart had been stretched to the maximum of its capacity. For a while I thought we were going to lose him, but in the end we were able to hook him up to the LVAD and – with the machine taking over the work – bring the man back to life.

Kate was already there when we brought him up to Recovery. She had somehow managed to scrub in on a difficult 'Humpty Dumpty'- surgery and was taking care of her own patient when I joined Mr. Banner after informing his family of our success.

"Is he going to be okay?" she asked, playing with the engagement ring that was dangling from a chain around her neck. "I heard there were some complications."

"It was a close one, but I think with some luck he might just pull through," I sighed, rubbing my tired eyes. "Do you know how Mrs. Drake is doing?" I had asked Garrett to check in on my patients while I was in surgery.

"Last thing I heard she had Garrett wrapped around her little finger," Kate giggled. "That man would jump through burning hoops for just about any older woman if she asked him nicely."

"Worried?"

"Not in the least," she laughed. "He just misses his mommy, is all."

"I'm sure Mrs. Drake would be glad to stand in," I smiled. Garrett had lost his own mother, with whom he was very close, not so long ago and was compensating by spending a lot of time with the older female patients on the surgical ward.

"No doubt," she smiled before turning her attention back to her own patient.

Over the next couple of hours I checked on my patients and made sure Mr. Banner woke up okay from his surgery and was doing as well as could be expected for a man who had just had a machine take over his heart functions.

When Transportation came to bring him back to his own room I followed them down to the ICU to reassure his family that he was doing fine even though he might not look like it right now.

His wife and children were all standing huddled together in the waiting room in just about the same positions as I had left them in when I left them about an hour ago to check up on their loved one. They must have been very anxious for news of him.

Mrs. Banner looked relived when I took her with me to her husband's room and she saw him, even though her husband looked frail and pale as a ghost in between the starch white hospital sheets.

"Alfred," she sniffed, her hand reaching our tentatively to brush along his cheeks.

"Minnie," he whispered, his voice breaking on her name as he pried his eyes slightly open and leaned into her touch.

I averted my eyes, not wanting to intrude on their moment. They looked so peaceful and in love, even after what must have been years of marriage. It made me wonder if Bella and I would be like them in twenty, thirty, forty years time. I sure hoped so.

I stayed with them for a while, making sure both of them were okay, before returning to the nurse's station to see if there were any other matters that needed my attention.

Kate, Garrett and I had had a little heart to heart this morning right before rounds. We all wanted this fellowship and were willing to fight for it but we had decided to try and not let it affect our friendship or working relationship. We would fight this one out the honorable way, by merit alone, and without trying to elbow one another out of interesting procedures. It would be a clean fight.

The rest of my shift passed without any incident. In spite of being on call for the night I actually managed to catch a decent amount of sleep due to a lack of cases requiring surgical attention. Morning rounds also went uncharacteristically smooth and a glance at the clock when I walked out of the last patient's room told me that maybe if I was going to get out of here fast enough and traffic wouldn't kick my ass I could still snuggle up to Bella for a while before having breakfast as a family. Sleep was something I could catch up on later.

"Doctor Cullen?" House's voice spoke behind me as I stood outside the locker room. "Where the hell do you think you're going? We have a penetrating chest trauma coming up shortly....or don't you want that fellowship?"

For a moment I debated telling him where he could stick that fellowship of his but then I remembered my conversation with Bella.

"Sure," I sighed, letting go of the door handle. "Which OR do you want me in?"

"Two," House barked, a slight inkling of his head letting me know that he was pleased with my level of commitment.

Well, that was at least one good thing coming out of this day.

I typed a quick message to Bella, explaining my absence, before putting my phone back into the pocket of my pants and heading over to the operating rooms to start scrubbing in, my conscience gnawing at me relentlessly as I moved the brush over my hands.

The old Edward would have definitely been better equipped to deal with this situation.

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_**Is that a flashback we see coming up? Well, yes it is. The next chapter will have us go back ten years in time. It will be called 'the birth of the old Edward' AKA the dreaded chapter five (it's been rewritten three times already**__**…..**_

_**What do you think? Did Edward make the right decision? Will Edward, Garrett and Kate be able to keep the fight clean? Who will be the first one to crack? What kind of tricks is House going to pull out of his hat?**_

_**I've brought a couple of new characters into this story in this chapter. Both Mr Banner and nurse Farley will make appearances further down the line. I hope you liked them. I personally have a soft spot for nurse Farley but that might be because I know what she's going to do.**_

_**Please hit that button and review and let me know your thoughts on this chapter. After that you can join me at the twilighted boards for chats, speculations or cuddles, teasers, pictures and cookies if you like. **_


	5. The birth of the old Edward

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Once again, thank you everyone for the overwhelming support this story has gathered. All of your kind words, questions and suggestions really make my day and, though for now it only shows in the longer chapters I've been writing, it really motivates me to sit down behind my computer and write after a day of work and not just stare at the NM-trailer for hours on end.**_

_**Just a little heads up before you dive into this chapter….It's set more than ten years before My Mistakes and six years before Edward and Bella first met in Florida. This chapter deals with his 'dark years' and though it may not be a chapter that everyone will like, it's very important to the story.**_

_**As always much thanks to my wonderful beta xparawhorextwerdx for fixing my mistakes and talking me down from the ledge when this chapter was kicking my ass left, right and center.**_

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**The birth of the old Edward**

_**September 1996**_

"Are you sure you'll be alright in here?" Esme asked, her eyes scanning the room as if she was looking for hidden weapons or drug dealers hiding under the old ramshackle sofa.

"I'll be fine Esme," I reassured her, watching the quick flash of pain that flickered in her eye as I called her Esme. "And even if there's something you forgot to sneak into my luggage….. this is a university campus, not the center of the Gobi dessert! I'm sure Hannover has everything I might need."

"I'll better leave you to get settled in then," she sighed with a sad smile.

"Thanks....for everything," I muttered, unsure of what to say in such a situation. "Give Carlisle my best and tell Alice to keep her grades up. She spends way too much time shopping."

"I'll do that," she sniffed, looking torn between giving me a hug – which she really wanted to do – and respecting the fact that I wasn't the affectionate eight year old boy anymore and keeping her distance – which was what she probably figured I wanted.

I wish I could tell her how much I really wanted her to hug me right now but I knew I would be childish to do so. I was starting out at college next week. It was time to grow up and not hide behind Carlisle and Esme's protective bubble any longer.

There was, however, one thing I could ask her.

"And if you can find the time........could you go over to my meadow every now and then?"

"Of course Edward," Esme smiled warmly as she placed her hand on my shoulder. "Do you......Is there anything you want me to do over there?"

"No...nothing," I whispered. "It's enough to just be there...."

"They would be so proud of you if they could see you now," she said, tears falling freely now. "As are Carlisle and I."

"Thanks," I muttered as the front door behind Esme opened and a couple of guys entered.

"I'd better get going," Esme smiled, wiping her tears away while I took a safe step backwards. "I hope you'll do well here..." He eyes shifted from me to the guys standing in the doorway. "And that you will always remember where you came from."

"I will," I replied, trying to hide my face behind a few locks of my almost shoulder length hair.

"And call me....please," she pleaded before leaning in and placing a tentative kiss on my cheek.

"I will," I repeated, seeing over her shoulder how one of the guys snickered while the others watched on with sarcastic smiles on their faces. It appeared my reputation at Dartmouth was shot before I even had time to build it.

"Goodbye Edward," Esme said, pulling me from my somber thoughts.

"Bye Esme," I replied absentmindedly, watching that same flicker of disappointment flash by before she walked out of the dorm room.

I wished I knew of a way to call her 'mom', the title she more than deserved, without it cutting through my heart like a knife. She was my mother in everything but genes – and had been for the last sixteen years - but my own damn conscience was holding me back.

It wasn't like I wanted to hurt her or that I didn't see her as my mom, it was just that every time I came a little closer to acknowledging her that same image of my real parents flashed before my eyes. And moments later the guilt would start all over again.

Guilt for not being able to remember a single thing about them.

Guilt about sometimes wanting to forget about the gaping hole their deaths had left in my life.

Guilt about how I sometimes felt that Carlisle and Esme had been my real parents.

For years I had been able to escape the guilt. Whenever it had come up I had gone to my meadow, that perfect place in the middle of the woods, and put my thoughts in order. I somehow felt connected to them....Edward senior and Elizabeth, whenever I was there. It was like they were watching me through the dense undergrowth and were able to help me deal with the stuff I was wrestling with.

I always felt more whole there, the void in my chest filling up the moment I stepped into the sun, calm and peace shielding me from the pain and longing I felt everywhere else. It was why right now, in this strange place, miles away from everything I called home, I felt completely and utterly homeless.

The little boy inside of me wanted to run after Esme, call her mommy and ask her never to leave me again but the college student kept me from it. I guess this was just another part of growing up and accepting responsibility, like Carlisle had always urged me to do. I had to leave the bubble and venture into the unknown to become the man everyone expected me to be. The man my father had once been.

It was time I experienced life as it should be, as everyone else experienced it. I was no fool. I knew I had lived a very protected and sheltered life until now, spending almost every moment I wasn't in school upstairs in my room or in the meadow with both Carlisle and Esme voicing their concern about my urge for solitude but never doing anything against it.

I also wasn't exactly blind to the effects that had had on my social skills – or lack thereof, an effect I hoped to remedy in the coming years.

"Is that your mom?" one of the guys asked, his eyes following Esme's retreating figure. "Sweet!"

"I wouldn't mind having that one tuck me in at night!" one of the others remarked.

"Shut the fuck up!" I growled, my anger building up rapidly in my chest. "If any of you ever talks about Esme like that, I'll break your fucking necks!"

"Sorry man!" the first guy apologized, raising his hands in front of his chest. "I got a bit carried away...that's all. I didn't mean any offense."

"Good," I nodded, my anger slowly ebbing away.

"Need help with those man?" the second guy asked, pointing at some of the boxes the movers had left in the living room. "I'm Riley by the way....Riley Robertson."

"Thanks!" I dragged my hand through my hair, trying to decide whether I liked these guys or not. "Edward Cullen."

"Cullen?" A third guy who had been silent up until now spoke. "As in, Chicago Cullen?"

"Yeah?" I replied hesitantly. "What about it?"

"Dude! My parents idolize the shit out of your folks!" the guy yelled. "I swear....my mom would put up posters of your family all around the living room if that were in any way socially acceptable."

"Right." I thought that living on a campus that was miles away from Chicago would put and end to all of these people liking me for what I was, without bothering to check out who I was. I guess I had been mistaken.

"Quit with the groupie act McGregor," a fourth guy hissed from the door opening. "I'm sure Cullen isn't waiting for some random dude orgasming all over his last name and for God's sake Robertson! Will you please stop dragging his stuff all over the place? We've got people to do that. Don't degrade yourself!"

The guy called McGregor stopped talking the moment this new guy opened his mouth, just like Riley dropped the boxes as soon as he was told. It was clear this guy held some authority on campus.

"Cullen you say?" he asked, focusing his hawk like eyes on me.

"Edward Cullen," I nodded, his protruding stare almost making me feel like I should curtsy or something.

"Hmm," he mused, ignoring my outstretched hand as he kept on studying me, "I guess I'll be seeing you around then…..Cullen," With that he turned around and disappeared in the shuffle of students moving through the building with boxes and other stuff.

"Who is that?" I asked, looking around to see the rest of the guys all standing around looking uncomfortable.

"James Madison," Riley explained."He was named after his famous ancestral relative."

"You mean....."

"Yep," Riley nodded. "From what I've heard he's like the fucking king of campus or something, which – as you can imagine – is quite the achievement for a guy who's only just starting out as a sophomore. He and his friends form some kind of inner circle that everyone is clamoring to belong to." He shrugged, leading me to think Riley didn't exactly expect an invite to that circle. "Whatever."

I soon found out Riley and the guy called McGregor – his first name was Randall – and a guy who hadn't arrived yet shared the room with me. I guess they were alright as far as roommates went.

It was just that I wasn't too happy about this whole shared room thing.

I preferred solitude. It gave me the opportunity to think and straighten my head out. Being around many people made me feel uncomfortable. I was always wondering what they were thinking, how they perceived me. Not that I had anything against being around people, it was just that with my past history and last name I had gotten used to people either feeling pity for the poor little orphan or sucking up to me because they wanted something from Carlisle or Esme and thought I could help them get it.

"Ed man!" Riley chuckled. "Did you hear me? It looks like you were miles away."

"Huh? What is it?"

"McGregor said there's going to be a party at Streeter Hall tonight. Wanna tag along?"

"Sure," I shrugged, not really realizing what I had just agreed to until the words left my mouth.

"Don't look so afraid dude!" Riley laughed. "We'll just have some fun, maybe pick up some nice girls....It's going to be great!"

"Right." Just what I was afraid off.

And so I found myself in what could be best described as a live action replay of Caligula a few hours later. Somehow in the few hours they had spend together since arriving here the students of this dorm had managed to organize a party, sneak in truckloads of contraband liquor and invite half the campus population over.

I had to admit, I was kind of impressed.

I stuck with Robertson and McGregor for most of the night. I hadn't been to that many parties back home, at least...not the kid of parties that I was at now. Most parties I had attended were given by friends of the family and though me and a couple of other kids my age usually grouped together somewhere in an abandoned corner or pool house and had our own party, we were always watched.

This was new.

It was so unlike anything I had grown up with and I had to admit....I kind of liked it.

"Here," Randall handed me a drink while he swayed out of tune to the sound of the beats.

"What is this stuff?" I coughed after taking one sip, the overwhelming taste of alcohol with a hint of fruitiness hitting my pallet.

"Don't know man," Randall shrugged. "I guess it's punch or something.....Just drink it."

"Cool," I nodded, shifting my attention to a group of girls grinding into each other over to my left. I debated joining them for a moment but they didn't look like they were in need of any male assistance and I didn't want to be a nuisance.

"Eddie! I told ya we'd meet again!" James' voice hollered over the thumping basses.

"What is he doing here?" Randall sounded like the president himself had just walked through the front door.

"It's a party, why wouldn't he?" I shrugged, taking another large gulp of my drink.

"His lot don't go to parties like _these,_" Randall chuckled, looking around him as if he'd just realized he had wandered into some stinking, rat infested barn or something. "They are the fucking elite!"

"Right."

"They hardly ever attend campus parties," he went on. "They only hide out in that huge house of theirs, doing God knows what. No one is ever allowed in there......"

"I hear animals were involved at some point...." Riley mused, looking drunk already.

Right.

I looked on bemused as James moved through the crowd, everyone parting like the Red Sea as soon as they spotted him. He had a certain air about him that made people look up to him. He exuded confidence and power and from the look of it everyone wanted to bask in his glory. Riley had been right. He really was the uncrowned king of campus.

Looking at him as he stopped here and there to chat with a pretty girl or pat some guy on the back I realized that I envied him. All my life I had wanted to be left alone, avoid attention being lavished upon me and blend into the background. I realized now that maybe that had been a wrong decision.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be noticed.....

"What are you doing standing in a corner like that!" he yelled as soon as he reached me. "Go mingle. Show off your skills man!"

My face must have matched my state of mind because James only had to take one look at me before he started laughing at me in my face.

"Come on man! You do have some skills, don't you?" He paused to gauge my reaction. "You're not saying you grew up the son of the fucking prince of Chicago and not have pussy lining down to block to play with your dick?"

"Well....I," I stammered. I knew James wouldn't be impressed with the fact that so far I had only had sex with one woman. Hell....at this moment it even failed to impress me.

I thought back to Celine Parker-Davidson and the hushed, awkward fumbling that morning in between church and lunch which had been my official initiation into manhood. I had thought myself to have been genuinely in love with her at the time but I guess sex did change things. She had let me know a few days after that fateful Sunday morning that a repeat performance was out of the question since, with finals coming up, she wanted to focus solely on her academic achievements.

The sadness I had felt when she broke it off came more from my cock pining the loss of its new found past time than a genuine sense of loss for the girl herself. In time I realized that it had been nothing. At least….not anything the internet and a box of tissues couldn't also provide. The trill of the act simply didn't outweigh the confusion and awkwardness that had preceded and followed it. I was better left on my own.

"Are you a virgin Eddie?" he smirked.

"No..." I hissed. This was getting really uncomfortable.

"But somehow I figure you aren't exactly Don Juan either," he joked, patting me on the back. "Just stick with me, my boy, and we'll have that remedied before you know it."

"What?"

"Or do you want to keep hiding out in your bedroom, jacking off to the _Swimsuit Edition_?"

"No?"

"That's what I thought," he chuckled, throwing his arm around my shoulder and dragging me with him into the crowd.

And thus I became James' apprentice.

**xXx**

The next couple of weeks were spend finding my bearings around campus, doing fuckloads of work for my classes and just hanging out with Riley, Randall and Mark.

College was showing itself to be a lot harder than anything I had encountered in high school. Back in Chicago I had never had to work all that hard to get good grades but here I found I was no longer special because I had a good set of brains and came from a good pedigree. Here I had to work my ass off along with the rest of the rich and not quite famous to meet my own high expectations.

There was always the pressure, whether it was the expectations other people had of me or those I had of myself. I had been given every tool in the box to make a great success of myself. I had the money and the name to open doors, the perfect 4.0 average to get me in and the skills to keep people captivated. If I didn't succeed I would have only myself to blame.

But that was it....With the bar set so high I sometimes felt suffocated. Trapped even. It was like I had to proof myself not only to Carlisle and Esme and – most important – myself but that I had to make sure every expectation my deceased parents had off me was being met as well and – as I found over the years – the dead weren't easy to satisfy.

But the pressure wasn't even the worst of it.

The pressure I could handle.

The pressure I could _deal_ with.

The worst was always the ever present guilt.

I guess a shrink would call it a downward spiral or self-destructive pattern or some other fancy name, I called it a fucked up situation.

I loved Carlisle and Esme. For sixteen years they had been there for me, doing everything the best of parents would do for their child. I knew they saw me as their own. They didn't treat me any differently then they did Alice and they always introduced me as their son. Hell....I felt like their son.

But I wasn't.

And that was the fucked up aspect of it all.

I was a fucking orphan who couldn't even remember what his real parents were like.

I knew I had been very young when they died – only two years old – but I felt like I should at least remember something, even if it was just a smell or a smile or something. Nothing. I remembered absolutely nothing about them. All I knew was what Carlisle and Esme had told me about them over the years and what I had seen in photographs and home videos.

It made me feel guilty for considering Carlisle and Esme my real parents. Whenever I almost called them 'mom' and 'dad' I felt like the worst of kids. How lousy of a son was I when I betrayed them like that? Giving them the titles of 'mom' and 'dad' was the only honor I could bestow on them, apart from making sure I realized every dream they had for me.

There was only one place in the world where I felt connected to them. It was a hidden, almost perfectly round meadow in the forest behind the house where I grew up. Esme had mentioned one day that my dad used to take my mom there for romantic stuff when they were still alive and the next day I had set out to find it.

The moment I stepped into the clearing I knew that it had to be the place. It was like I could feel them, like they were looking at me and telling me what they wanted me to be. I never felt as complete and loved as when I was sitting there in the sun, basking in the warmth.

It was pathetic.

I was chasing ghosts, hiding behind the dead to avoid the crushing responsibility of growing up a Cullen.

It was why the weekends on campus soon became my light in the darkness. With thousands of students living together at such a close distance there was always some party to go to and – after my first reluctant endeavor – I felt myself liking them more and more. The music and the laughs and the alcohol gave me something no book or musical instrument could have ever provided: oblivion. For a moment I would be able to let it all go and breathe freely with neither the past not the present weighing me down.

With the weeks, and the parties, going by I felt myself getting more and more comfortable around people my age and girls in specific. I no longer felt like the awkward, socially retarded little rich kid standing in the corner anymore and my new found swagger had born fruit. After trading on Riley's reputation for the first couple of weeks I started to get invited to parties outright and people seemed to actually enjoy my company instead of tolerate me.

I was even starting to get noticed by girls.

Sure...I was no James, nor did I ever think I would be, but the realization did wonders for my self esteem and confidence.

But still, even in spite of the momentary joy and the boosts to my confidence, I didn't go out as often as my roommates did. There was too much riding on my education. I felt like making a success out of myself was the only way to make everyone happy. Both my parents and Carlisle and Esme would be proud to see me distinguished and I would do my damnedest to make that happen.

"Eddie, man!" James hollered as he walked into my room one Friday evening. "What has you holed up in here like a fucking hermit?"

"Not now James," I growled. "I have stuff to do."

"Then do your stuff later, after you've had some fun!"

"Not now."

"Come on," he pressed. "When is the last time you had a chick play with your dick?"

I shot him a pointed glare.

"Oh right, I forgot!" he grinned. "All the more reason for me to get you out of this place and show you the ropes! There's panties screaming to be dropped at the mere mention of your name!"

"I don't see how my name plays a role in this," I hissed, though that wasn't exactly true. I had a very good idea of what he was playing at and the thought alone disgusted me.

"Eddie!" James said, shaking my head. "Ya gotta use the name and fame! What's the point of all that money and social standing if you're not going to put it to good use?"

"I think we have different opinions about that," I muttered, trying to block the guy out. "I'd like to woo a woman with my character in stead of blinding her with my credit card. When I find a girl I want her to like me for who I am, not what I am."

"Liking you for what you are is all good and peachy for when you meet the woman of your dreams but you're in college man! You've gotta play the field before you settle down."

"And you want me to use my name to play that field?" I verified.

"Of course man! Chicks love money. They'll come flocking to you like moths to a candle as soon as you wave it about. Use the force my young Padawan! You know you have it in you!"

"Okay, I'll come with you," I growled, knowing he wasn't going to stop until I yielded. "But I'm not going to sleep with random girls. Whatever you may say….I have standards!"

"And by no means would I have you lower them to a questionable level," James shrugged, throwing my jacket in my direction. "I'm turning you into a player, not a manwhore."

"And the difference is...." I had a feeling James and I had very different opinions on what that questionable level might be.

"Dude! There's a world of difference between those two. The player gets the good girls while the manwhore only attracts the desperate. Believe me....you don't want that! The trick is to fuck enough girls to make your dick happy but not to spread yourself to thick around campus. Make all the girls scream but only the happy few moan."

"Right."

"Just follow my lead Eddie," James grinned, almost dragging me out of my chair. "I'll get you laid, even if it's the fucking end of me."

"Whatever," I huffed, deciding to give it a go for a while. If I didn't like whatever he had planned for me I could always get away. I was in need of some distraction anyway. All that staying alone in my room was starting to get old.

In stead of settling for a party on campus James drove us to some club in town. I wasn't even surprised when all we got from the bouncer was a smile and a firm handshake for James in spite of the fact that neither of us was twenty-one yet and we didn't even have fake ID's. After hanging out with the guy for a couple of weeks I had realized that there were precious few doors that would remain closed for him. If his name and money didn't open them, his charm and charisma would do the trick.

We stood at the bar for a while, nursing our drinks while scanning the room. The club was packed and everyone seemed to be having a good time. There were a few people I recognized from campus parties but on the whole the people over here were a little older. Mostly grad students I guessed.

"How about I get us some girls?" James mused after a few moments had passed. "I'm getting bored and horny as fuck standing around watching them dry fuck each other."

"It's not like you can just walk up to them and as them to suck your dick," I snorted. The way he was talking you'd think he was shouting off his order at a McDrive.

"Why not?" he grinned.

"You don't really mean that!" I laughed. "You're good, but you're not that good!"

"Watch the master at work," he winked before he moved to the side of the dance floor where a few girls were gathered, sipping their drinks and giggling amongst themselves. Where groups like those always intimidated the shit out of me – too many girls at once – James didn't appear to be shaken by their number at all. I watched as he moved in, his smile widening as he made contact with the girls, his right hand on a girl's ass, his left hanging over another girls shoulder, slightly grazing her tits. Instead of kneeing him in the jewels, as they would have done with me, they just giggled louder and let him paw them. Hell, they even seemed to like it!

After what seemed only second James turned around, the two girls closest to him still glued to his side, and started walking back to me. With their faces turned towards me for the first time I saw they were both gorgeous. One was a fierce looking redhead with a skin so pale it seemed almost translucent. Her features gave her the air of a little porcelain doll and I had no doubt her parents were extremely happy with how she turned out. The second girl was a blond with features that were much more 'in your face' than the other girls' were. Her tits bounced in her top with every step she took and she had mastered that hip sway thing that seemed to be going hand in hand with confident sexy girls around this place.

"Eddie, meet Cassandra," he grinned, presenting the blond girl to me. "Cassie dear, this is Edward Cullen."

"Cullen?" she related with an appreciative smile as she extended her hand to me. "Nice to meet you...Eddie."

How did everyone over here know who I was? It seemed like the moment she had heard my name her attention had shifted from James to me and judging from the way she was looking up at me with that aggressive leer women get when they want you to fuck them – or so I had deducted from my nights out with Riley – she had definitely liked what she heard.

"How about we take Cassie and her friend Penelope somewhere a little quieter so that we can talk?" James suggested.

"Sure," I replied, my voice sounding a little higher than I had meant it to be. What would be expected of me? Should I take this girl into a back alley and fuck her? Do I go to her place? Would she even want to do anything? What if I tried and she laughed at me?

I really wasn't very good at this.

I sighed, wishing once more I had spend less time in my meadow or upstairs playing piano or reading and more time going out with friends. As much as I had loved my quiet life until now I realized just how much I had missed out on and how socially retarded that had made me. James was right. I should let him teach me. If I did what he said and watched what he did then perhaps it wouldn't be too late to change from Rain Man into Charlie Babbitt.

"So where do you want to go?" the girl asked as we watched James and the redhead retreat into some alley to the side of the club.

"I don't know...." I shrugged, trying to seem cool when all I was, was completely and utterly confused.

"I take it you don't do this very often," she chuckled.

"We could always go back," I offered, a little peeved by the fact that she appeared to be making fun of my inexperience even though she was right.

"No," she shook her head. "I didn't mean that......I guess......If you're game then so am I."

"Cool," I nodded, swallowing hard. "So what do you want to do?"

"Why don't we go see what Pen and your friend are up to?" she suggested with a wicked grin. "Who knows? You might find it....inspirational."

"Y-you like to.....watch?" I stammered. As much as I would have to bleach the sight of James' dick out of my memory later I had to admit that the thought did kind of appeal to me. At least it could give me an idea of what would be expected of me.

"Why not?" she grinned, grabbing my hand and tugging me towards the alley my friend had disappeared in.

I could spot my friend leaning back against a wall a little further down in the alley, his dick hidden behind the redhead's head and hair as she sucked on it like it were a lollipop.

"Pen will be so proud of herself," the girl whispered in my ear, her hot breath fanning over my face as she pushed her chest against mine, the sensation of her nipples rubbing against me making my dick stir in my pants. "She has had her eye on him for quite some time now."

"She did?" I croaked, my voice going up and octave as her hand started to unbuckle my belt and slide the zipper down.

Everything kind of went blank after that. I only remembered that at one time I felt something hot and warm wrap around my dick, the only thought piercing through the blissful haze being that I shouldn't blow my load too early for it to be embarrassing. I only came back to my senses around about the time the girl tucked me back into my pants and zipped me up, kissing my cheek as she stood back up from the crouching position she was previously in.

"You're adorable," she giggled as I just stood there puzzled by the fact that so soon our interaction seemed to be done for the night. "Call me?"

"I will," I chuckled, hiding my confusion behind a mask of indifference and humor. Wasn't I supposed to reciprocate or at least kiss her? Did she expect anything of me? Was it over now?

I was already halfway through handing her my phone before James snatched me away and started shoving me down towards the beginning of the alleyway again. "Sorry, hon," he yelled over his shoulder as he kept his arm firmly wrapped around me. "Edward is too busy to stay and chat!"

"What the hell was all that about?" I hissed as we rounded the corner to the street.

"Important lesson, my friend," he smirked. "Never get attached. Girls only cause drama. And by the way...." he paused for dramatic effect. "How are you ever going to get the experience you want with some clingy bitch hanging on your arm?" He shuddered as if in disgust. "I say do 'em and dump 'em!"

"Okay," I muttered. What is it you said to something like that?

"The girl was probably only trying to get your number to get to me anyway," James shrugged, acting like it was a matter of fact, "and after seeing what she had to offer I'm not even considering having her go anywhere near my dick."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I growled, feeling both some fucked up sense of protectiveness about the girl and genuine outrage for the fact that he suggested the girl only used me to get to him. "She seemed perfectly fine to me and if you'd ask me she was totally into me."

"That's because you're all inexperienced and shit!" he laughed, completely unmoved by my anger. "Believe me Eddie. In a year you'd be shooing her away!"

I decided to head back to my room after that. With the highlight of the evening behind me the party could only get worse right?

I didn't see James for another couple of weeks after that. Not that I was avoiding him or anything...I just needed some time to find out where I stood on the evenings events. I was genuinely pissed off about the things my 'friend' had said to me that night but still.....I couldn't shake the feeling I had when that girl had gone down on me. It was amazing,

For a moment I had been able to forget everything. To feel but not_ feel_. To think only in the moment, not of the past, not of the future, only about what was happening right there and then and how that affected me.

I was dying to have that again. Even if it meant satisfying myself with James' hand me downs for the time being.

I hated myself for it.

I was better than that. I had always taken pride in the fact that I didn't let my dick decide my future and here I was, forcing myself down some poor girl's throat like a fucking animal.

I was better than that.

But try telling that to the rest of my body.

James came by a few days later, walking right into my room as if he fucking owned the place. I looked up from my book, trying to hide how fucking excited I was about his appearance.

It had been three weeks since the night at the club and I was getting pretty damn desperate. I had tried, at first, to go about getting girls on my own but after a couple of clumsy attempts and a few small successes I had to admit that I was still in dire need of James' tuition.

"What is it?" I hissed, annoyed with my own giddiness.

"I know what you need, Eddie," he grinned, trying to tug me towards the door.

"Don't start talking me into chasing pussy again," I growled. "It's getting old..."

"This isn't about pussy," he reassured me. "Well.....at least not directly. This is about how to get it without trading on my good name and reputation like you did the other day."

I raised my eyebrows at him as he stood in the door opening.

"You're nearly there man," he continued. "You've got the ingredients right, now all you have to do is put them together and make a Michelin star dish. I ain't gonna lie to you. Parts will only come through experience but others....they can be made."

"Explain," I demanded, discarding the book.

"You need a haircut," he shrugged. "This girly do you have now may have suited preppy mommy's boy but it won't do squat with the ladies. No girl in her right mind is ever gonna let you round third with you looking like that!" He looked at my hair like I had lice crawling all over my fucking scalp.

"Thanks for the compliment asshole," I huffed. "And who are you anyway? My sister?"

"Trust me my boy," he chuckled. "The birds will flock like bees to fucking honey once you straighten yourself out. Now let's go."

He was right, as he always was.

I didn't know if it was just the haircut or if they did something else to me over that barber shop but over the next few weeks I started getting more and more attention from women, resulting in me not only rounding third – and more than once, I might add – but also getting assaulted with phone numbers and propositions.

I was even starting to feel confident about reciprocating and – judging from the moans and the way they yelled my name and grabbed my hair when they came- I'd gotten quite good at it as well.

With the attention came the feeling like finally I belonged somewhere. I wasn't the lost fucking boy anymore, I was the man. I was wanted, admittedly partly for my looks and my name, but they wanted me none the less.

I was starting to change.

And I liked it.

It made me crave the distraction and the thrill of the hunt, as James called it, more and more and before I knew it I spend most of my time from Thursday to Monday clubbing or hanging out at some dude's dorm with one hand down a girls shirt and another nursing my beer.

I was finally getting there. A whole new world opening up to me in those few short months I had been away from the suffocating bubble my family had created around me.

**xXx**

"You're still thinking too much my friend," James admonished me as I came back from dropping my conquest of that evening safely off in front of her dorm. "What did tell you? Do 'em and dump 'em. I didn't mean walk them home...."

"I can't just leave them there," I shrugged.

"That's why I'm telling you to fuck them!" James chuckled. "You'll have them take you back to their place, screw their fucking brains out and leave....problem solved."

"I'm not ready for that," I hissed, angry with James for bringing that up again and with myself for my own fucking hesitance. James was right. I should be fucking the crap out of the female campus population right now, not just letting them suck my cock. What the hell was wrong with me?

"Then walk away as soon as they are done with you," James shrugged.

"It doesn't feel right," I said. "I feel bad enough about taking advantage of them.....why can't I make sure they make it back to their place safely?"

"Because it's pathetic, that's why," James laughed.

"Back off Madison!" I snarled. "I'm already way out of my comfort zone here....let me do this my way."

"Your parents – or whatever the fuck you call the duke and duchess – really did a number one you, didn't they?"

"What the fuck do you mean?"

"That gentleman crap might have been all the rage when Carlisle grew up but over here is only confuses the fuck out of everyone involved!" he explained. "Look....you are going to have to decide if you want to be a player or a fucking pansy. Let me know when you come to a decision...."

He made for the door after he spoke and even though part of me would have been relieved to have him walk out of my life, a greater part of me was screaming at me that if James walked out of this door tonight it would be the end of me fitting in.

"Okay!" I yelled. "No more aftercare. Alright?"

He turned and flashed me his cocky motherfucker of a grin. "I knew you'd make the right decision, Eddie. You were born to be a player. Quit hanging around with ghosts and old folks. Come hang with the cool crowd and God knows you may even feel good about yourself one day."

"What?" I asked.

"I think you're ready to go hang with the elite now, Eddie," he grinned. "Wanna come over to my place tonight?"

"Sure," I shrugged, trying desperately to keep my new found cool while deep down my guts were doing flipflops.

**xXx**

And so I found myself standing in front of the door to the mansion James and his friends inhabited. I had heard all kinds of crazy stories about this place ranging from orgies taking place at a regular basis to the live sacrificing of barnyard animals on the back patio, though I figured that last one must have been a lie.

"Edward!" James smug as always smirk was plastered on his face as he met me at the door. His eyes looking a little glazed, like he'd been doing drugs that night. "Come in! Welcome to my place!"

I followed him through a grand foyer to a large living space at the front of the house where the party had already started if the sounds and smells coming from the room were anything to go by. There was a couple on the couch, their faces glued together while their hands wandered as if they were alone in the room.

Over on the other side of the room a couple of girls were playing a game of cards at the table, a huge pile of dollar bills lying in front of them as they played the game disinterestedly. Nirvana's _Nevermind_ album was blaring though the sound system, making it impossible to hear anything that was said by a person standing more than a few feet away from you.

"James baby," one of them cooed as soon as we entered the room. "Are you going to play?"

"Not now, angel," James shrugged, waving them off. "Maybe later."

"But James...." she managed a pout that was probably meant to be adorable but had quite the opposite effect.

"Look," James half growled. "Why don't you go warm up the bed for me and maybe, if I feel like it, I'll join you later okay?"

"Whatever," she shrugged, adding something under her breath as she collected her money and left, glaring at James one last time before she headed up the stairs.

"That was Héloise," James explained. "I fucked her two weeks ago and now she thinks she's my girl. About time I taught the bitch a damn lesson in humility...."

"You brought her here....." a guy I hadn't noticed before drawled. He looked completely spaced out, slouching in a huge leather arm chair with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a cigar in the other. "You fucked up man....."

"That's Laurent," James went on, ignoring the jab. "You wouldn't suspect it from the way he's looking right now but he's actually European royalty, even if he's just a fucking bastard conceived in the bathroom of an intercontinental flight….." He looked as me as if to say he didn't believe it himself. "His family, the Grimaldi's rule over some tiny principality sandwiched between Italy and France. He promised to take us there one day but so far he's been to spaced out to even call his travel agent."

"Nice to meet you," I nodded in Laurent's direction.

"Likewise," he slurred. "James has been chipper as a bitch on heat about bringing you into our group. Nice to finally see what all the fuss is about."

"The girl sitting over there," I had to admire James' stoic behavior as he went on as if nothing had been said, "is Juno Howard."

"Hi Edward," she waved, smiling innocently.

"Hi," I said, smiling back, relieved I had finally found someone I could kind of relate to.

"Don't let her 'holier than the fucking Virgin Mary' act deceive you," James smirked. "She's fucked every single one of us and believe me...that girl knows what she's doing!"

I cringed slightly, seeing the girl with a whole new pair of eyes as she continued to stare at me with a bashful curiosity that would probably have fooled me had James not warned me about her.

"Don't let that stop you though," James added. "Fucking Juno is like a rite of passage over here. You can't really become a member of the President's Club if you haven't."

"The Presidents Club?" I asked, focusing on something else other than my impending initiation ritual.

"We only hang with the best," James shrugged. "You don't get to cross the threshold unless you're royalty...." he paused, grinning at me. "Or close enough to count as such."

"Thanks...I guess," I laughed a little nervously, still not knowing what the hell I was doing here. "So who are they?" I pointed towards the couple that was currently rounding second on the sofa.

"The girl is called Carmen Pinto de Calatrava, second year psychology major," James announced, pointing at the raven haired beauty on top. "Her family apparently owns half of Mexico."

"And the guy?"

"The guy is the fucking champ!" James eyes danced as his eyes stayed glues to the couple grinding into each other in front of us. "If it weren't for his ancestors we wouldn't be here right now. It was Eleazar Wheelock the fucking first who founded the university."

"You're in the presence of fucking genius, man!" Laurent added from his corner.

"I feel like I should jump to my feet and fucking salute you guys," I chuckled, taking in my surroundings. The room we were in was decorated in a lavishly rich style that breathed the scent of the decadent turn of the century. Thick red velvet drapes laced the windows and the dark green painted walls were covered in paintings depicting hunting scenes and friendly gatherings. The wooden floor and thick Persian rugs completed the whole 'hunting lodge' look and if it weren't for the comfortable, leather sofa's and state of the art entertainment center I swore I had just stepped out of a fucking time warp.

"Well, you fucking should!" James laughed. "Didn't I mention that?"

"Asshole," I laughed.

"And the ladies fucking love it!" he grinned before turning his attention back to the couple canoodling on the couch. "Carmen sweetheart. Why don't you tear yourself away from lover boy over there and come greet our guest?"

"Huh?" The girl – Carmen – looked up, her eyes fixing on me and for the first time I noticed her face. She was beautiful. No, strike that, she was fucking gorgeous. She had the face of a supermodel with large, dark brown eyes and long brownish black hair waving around it and that was only the start of it. The rest of her was just....smoking.

I hadn't even noticed she had moved until she straddled my lap, her eyes boring into mine as she took me in. "Well hello there Edward," she purred, my dick stirring by the sound of her voice alone. "It's nice to meet you."

By now I was starting to feel really fucking uncomfortable sporting wood when the girl's boyfriend was only a couple of feet away from me, watching us with an almost fatherly look of bemusement.

"N-nice...t-to....m-meet you to," I stuttered, trying to hide just how nice it really was to meet her.

"Awww," she cooed, shifting deliciously in my lap. "I think I made him nervous! How about a little kiss?"

"What?" I looked from her to Eleazar and back to her but neither of them looked like it was anything out of the ordinary.

"O-o-okay?"

She leaned in, her soft lips brushing mine and greedily sucking my bottom lip in between hers. I groaned as her delicate, womanly scent hit me at the same time as I felt her tongue brush over my lips, seeking to deepen the kiss. Her hands weaved into my hair as she kept on devouring my mouth and the combined sensation of the tugging on my scalp and her soft tongue battling with mine made me moan unabashedly.

"By God, I think he likes it!" I heard James chuckle somewhere in the distance as we parted, both of us panting for air.

"Well he fucking should," another voice, probably Eleazar, retorted. "My baby can work miracles with that amazing little tongue of hers....don't you think Eddie?"

"Yeah?" Somehow every word I had uttered since I had walked into this place came out as a question and I verbally slapped myself. James' friends must have thought I was a complete fucking moron. I couldn't disagree with them to be honest.

"Don't be shy, Edward," Carmen whispered, nipping on my earlobe and kissing the sensitive skin at the base of my neck as her tits pressed into my chest. "You're an amazing kisser."

"Thanks!" I croaked, trying desperately not to concentrate on the friction her movement caused in my lap.

"Aww. Look at the two of them getting along like two peas in a pod!" James sang. "Ain't that sweet."

"Shut the fuck up James," Carmen growled, her boobs pressing further into me as she glared at James over her shoulder. "I remember when you were here on your first night. Want me to entertain Edward with the story of how you almost came in your pants when you watched Gina and Prue make out?"

"Fucking bitch!" James growled.

"I believe you said that too," Carmen grinned. "Right about the time you came down Heidi's throat."

"How about you do the honors tonight, darling?" James said, quickly changing the subject. I tried hiding my grin. This must have been the first time I had seen a crack in James' confidence. He seemed almost....embarrassed.

"I don't know....." Carmen turned her attention back to me. "Tell me Edward," she purred, causing my dick to twitch in anticipation. "Do you think you're up to the challenge?"

"Go easy on the poor guy!" I heard James holler behind me. "He's practically a virgin!"

"Thanks a lot!" I growled.

"What?" he spat back in mock confusion. "You are!"

"That's so sweet!" Juno cooed, joining in the conversation. "Are you sure you don't want to come up with me tonight? I could teach you a thing or two......."

"Back off Skanerella," Carmen growled. "He's mine."

I watched with open mouthed as two of the most gorgeous women I had ever seen fought over spending the night with me. I didn't know what heaven looked like but I had a feeling that somehow I must have wandered into it over the night.

"Ladies....don't fight," I soothed with every bit of brawn I had in me. "There's plenty to go around. You can share."

"I told you he was the fucking champ!" James yelled, jumping up from his chair and pumping his fist in the air. "Go Eddie!"

"Wanna come upstairs and show us what you're made off?" Carmen grinned. "Or are you one of those guy's whose all talk and no action?"

"Don't worry," I grinned back, riding high on my new wave of confidence while still battling my nerves. "I've got plenty of action to go around."

"Good boy!" she praised, tugging me to my feet.

I shot another worried look at Eleazar. Carmen was after all his girl and even though he might not have objected to me kissing her – or the other way around – he might not be so happy if I fucked her.

"Don't worry man," he chuckled, giving me the thumbs up. "You're a member of the club now. What's mine is yours!"

"Thanks man!" I nodded, following the girls upstairs with equal parts of schoolboy giddy and nauseous nervous battling for dominance in my stomach.

**xXx**

I felt it the moment I woke up the next morning, tangled up in a mess of bed sheets and naked body parts. I lifted my head from the pillow to see Carmen and Juno still deep asleep. Juno an image of innocent perfection with her blond hair spayed out all over the mattress and Carmen the complete opposite. She looked like passion come to life, even with her head resting on Juno's stomach and her eyes closed.

I felt nothing.

For the first time in my life there was no pain, no guilt, no doubt. Just nothing.

Well.....except for that completely satisfied yet hungry for more feeling deep in my stomach that had fuck all to do with a need for food.

What a night it had been.

If anything it had made me come to an epiphany somewhere in between rounds.

James had been right.

For years I had stuck to old fashioned ways and acted like the fucking golden boy of Chicago in the hope it would make everyone around me happy.

I had clung to the image of my dead parents out of some fucked up sense of duty towards them. I had even hidden out in the fuckin' forest for five fucking years because having fun made me feel guilty.

What had all my perfect behavior got me so far?

Stress. Grief. Alienation.

Well I was done hiding and being the perfect son.

It was time to start looking out for number one. And number one wanted to have some fun in his life.

Last night had given me a taste of what it could be if I let myself go. If I let myself forget. Right now I felt reborn without a fucking care in the world.

It had been fucking amazing.

I couldn't wait for more.

* * *

_**All right. Everyone wanting to grab an iron bar and club James over the head line up in an orderly clue. **_

_**I feel so dirty and wrong, leading my beautiful boy astray, but it had to be done. This chapter is very important and though it may not be what everyone liked to read, it gives us a good insight into Edward's character.**_

_**Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter and/or head over to the twilighted thread for questions, teasers, chapter songs, pictures (I posted Edward before and after is haircut last week) and what not.**_


	6. Lessons Learned

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**I got some very mixed reviews for last chapter. Some of you were eager (some very eager) for more College Assward, others just wanted to club him, James or both of them over the head with an iron bar. I'm glad no one was too grossed out to stop reading though.**_

_**A question that came up a lot in reviews was whether the 'old Edward' would make a comeback in present time. No he won't. As far as Edward is concerned the old version of him is dead and buried (we'll watch him do so further on). This isn't to say that the past wants to stay buried though…..**_

_**For now we're back at present time for a chapter in Bella's POV.**_

**_A million thank you's to my amazing beta xparawhorextwerdx for getting this chapter whipped into shape even when she is taking exams. Love ya!_**

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**Lessons learned**

_**October 2009**_

"_It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."_

I looked up from my notes, took my reading glasses from my eyes and looked back to my students from my space in front of the classroom. I watched on as many of them chuckled as they remembered the famous opening lines from _Pride & Prejudice_.

"I think I can forgo explaining what novel these lines come from, is that right?" I smiled. Most of the students nodded while Jane just pursed her lips and studied something very interesting in the syllabus lying open in front of her. "To many they are just that. The first, slightly humorous opening lines to a novel but...." I leaned back on the wooden lectern, "once you look beyond the surface these few words also hold a form of social critique."

I saw some of the students frown and look at me for an explanation. This was why I loved teaching. You got the chance to challenge your students and open their ayes to new insights into things they hitherto took for granted.

"_Pride and Prejudice_ isn't just an entertaining love story about five sisters living in 19th century England, it also critiques the very society it's set in. For example....." I paused, tapping one of the arms of my reading glasses against my lips, "when we look at the marriage of Elizabeth Bennett's parents you can see what happens when people choose comfort over love and end up in a loveless marriage. Elizabeth even comments on her parents directly when she discusses marriage with her elder sister and again when her best friend marries Mister Collins just because she doesn't want to end up a spinster. Then again…..for women belonging to the upper class, marriage was just about the only socially acceptable way of securing an income. For Mrs. Bennett marriage isn't just a nice way of getting her children settled in live, it is pure necessity since she will be driven from her home upon her husband's death. If her daughters aren't married they will have to look at other means to support themselves, and for a women of her rank and stature that would have been a nightmare. If anything Austen is using _Pride and Prejudice_ to point out how brutal society could be to women living on the periphery of the upper class."

I heard the rusting of clothes when one of my students lifted a hand to ask a question and inwardly prayed it wouldn't be Jane. When I looked up I was relieved to see that this time I was lucky.

"Yes, William?"

"If they thought marriage was so important then why didn't Mrs. Bennett arrange marriages for the girls?"

"Good question," I smiled. "Though arranged marriages weren't exactly unheard of in that day and age – look for instance at Lady Catherine and Darcy's mother's plans for their children – they weren't that common in the social circle in which the Bennett's moved. It was more a practice of the nobility than of the commoners."

"Well I think it's stupid," I heard the voice I dreaded most huff.

I closed my eyes, shot a quick prayer from strength up at the heavens and placed my glasses on the lectern in front of me, giving me a moment to prepare myself mentally for the battle to come.

"I have asked you repeatedly to raise your hand if you wanted to ask a question," I stated, careful to keep my aggravation out of my voice when I spoke. "And if you want to make a point then I would advise you to make a better argument than simply say it's 'stupid'."

"Well it is," she growled. "

"I wonder why you're in this class about 19th century English Literature if you think none of the books produced in that era and country are worth reading," I remarked. Judging by the snickers and hushed encouragement coming from the rest of the students, most of them agreed with me. "You might want to change to Professor McCarthy's Modern American Literature class if you do."

"I'm not leaving," she hissed, hostility rolling off of her in waves. "You can't make me."

"We'll see about that," I replied with as much casual disinterest as I could muster, before turning back to my college notes and resuming my lecture.

The rest of the class passed without further incident. I could see that Jane was dying to launch another attack but between my threat and the glares her behavior had evoked in her classmates she probably didn't think it was a smart thing to do. If anything, the little bitch had learned how far she could go before risking expulsion.

Over the last weeks I had noticed that Jane had picked up some new skills over the last year and a half. She was less prone to overreaction and throwing tantrums as she had been when she had been in high school which wasn't something I was altogether happy about. At least back in high school I had known that if I taunted her enough she would storm out of the class in search of her daddy. It provided me with some freaky sort of comfort.

That security blanket was gone now.

She had learned early on that attacking university staff on personal facts and capabilities would get her nowhere without her daddy to come in and safe the day for her. After Stefan had thrown her out after she commented on his accent she had learned to guard her tongue, settling for commenting on the subject the class was dealing with instead.

The trouble with that was that she had learned to do it in a way that made throwing her out virtually impossible, especially for someone as new to the faculty as I was. Without any standing or merit to fall back on I didn't deem myself 'safe' enough to play the game as hard as I might have liked. Jane knew that and she knew just how to play into my insecurities.

"The next class will be dealing with the effect of the Industrial Revolution on 19th century literature. In preparation for the class I expect all of you to have read Elizabeth Gaskell's _North & South_ with that thought in mind," I announced before dismissing the class.

"That's impossible," Jane stated calmly. "You can't expect us to read a five hundred page book in three days!" she shrieked. "That's just not humanly possible."

"Welcome to university, Jane," someone snickered behind her.

"Who said that!" she snarled, glaring at the group of students filing out of the room.

"All coursework is announced in the syllabus," I explained. "If you read that you would have known this assignment was coming up and would have been prepared for it."

"I didn't," she huffed. "And now I demand extra time."

"I won't be making any allowances for students who can't complete their work," I replied. "So I suggest you either get reading or drop out of the class."

If looks could have killed me I would have been dead that moment. She glared at me and muttered something under her breath before turning on her feet, her hair sweeping around her face in a dramatic gesture before she stormed out. "I can't believe they employ someone so glaringly incompetent at a place like this," I heard her mutter before she went out of earshot.

I gathered my stuff and headed back to my office where I sagged into my chair. For a few moments I just leaned back, my hands covering my face and my eyes closed as I regained my strength.

I had seriously underestimated the difference between teaching in high school and lecturing at college. I had known the bar was set much higher and the amount of material that was covered in one class much bigger but I had never imagined it to be quite the challenge of my intellectual abilities that it truly was. Not even the classes I had taught last year had prepared me for what it would be like to have final responsibility.

Between teaching, doing research and being a mother and wife I felt like I was constantly lifting this huge vat of boiling oil above my head. With my hands starting to shake and cramp up I knew it could drop any moment. I had to find something to support the vat before it burned me. I had to find relief. But the stupid thing was that I didn't want to. I had set myself this challenge and I wanted to see if I could make it. It would be tough at first but once I got used to it I knew it was going to be better. I just had to find a new rhythm in life and get used to it.

Sighing to myself I fished my reading glasses out of my bag and booted up my computer. I would start by checking my e-mails and replying to questions before I would knuckle down to my research. With Rose and Alice joining me for lunch I probably wouldn't get to that before noon anyway.

My two sisters in law were already there when I joined them at the cozy little diner off campus. They were sitting at a round table with Charlie sitting in a highchair next to Rose while Alice held Masen in her arms.

The moment I saw my little boy I increased my tempo and almost sprinted over to them. I only slowed down after Alice had handed me my son and I had my nose buried in his sweet baby scent that I slowed down. Holding him had such a soothing effect on me. It was like the whole world around me stopped turning the moment I looked into his big brown eyes. Even after weeks of being back at work my heart broke a little every time I had to leave him behind in the morning. Sure, I had gotten used to it, but it would never be 'normal' to me. I was sure of that.

"Hello to you too," I heard Rose giggle somewhere beside me.

"What?" I looked up to see the both of them look down on me with bemused grins and a waiter standing to the side with thee menu's trying very hard not to stare.

"You haven't forgotten about the two of us now did you?" Alice chuckled while the three of us looked through our menu's and placed our orders.

"Of course not," I laughed as I kept one eye on Masen. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," she smiled. "Work is still crazy but In guess that's good. It keeps me off the street and puts food in the fridge and all. In fact....we just got back from the Rockefeller Center where we had this shoot for _Teen Vogue_. Their usual stylist dropped out at the last minute so they called me yesterday morning to see if I was available. Turns out they really like my work for _Stiletto Showdown_ and wanted to give me a shot. I spend all day yesterday and most of the night getting everything perfect and….."

"What...wait," I said, sticking my hand up to pause Alice's incessant stream of words. "You said we?"

"Yes, Rose and me and the babies," Alice nodded enthusiastically. "You should have been there Bella. It was so much fun. Charlie and Masen couldn't get enough of all the decorations."

"You took my son to a fashion shoot?" I hissed, soft enough to not wake Masen up.

"Oh, come on!" Rose huffed. "It's not like I took him to a whorehouse or anything. He liked it...or at least the part he was awake for. And anyway, I took my own son as well."

"I would have liked it if you would have discussed this with me first," I argued, hugging my son a little tighter to my chest.

"Come on Bella," Alice chimed in. "It was cool and perfectly harmless. He got his first lesson in fashion."

"Don't tell your brother," I smirked, still angry with the two of them for dragging my son out on a photo shoot without letting me know, "Or he'll take my little angel to a Monster Truck Show to make up for any harm it may have caused."

"As if going to fashion shows isn't a manly thing to do," she pouted.

Rose and I looked at each other before bursting into giggles, waking both Masen and Charlie up.

"What?" Alice huffed, a little hurt. "There are more than enough completely hot, heterosexual guys at fashion shows. Even Puff daddy or P. Diddy or whatever the fuck he calls himself nowadays visits them."

"One: don't use language in front of my kid," I replied, stern momma bear voice in place. "Two: if you think it's any comfort to me that my darling angel little boy might follow the way of a guy who refers to himself as a 'pimp' and to women in general as 'ho's' I would advise you go look up a good psychiatrist."

"Whatever," Alice replied, rolling her eyes as she turned to Masen. "But we did have fun, didn't we little man?"

Masen replied with a little wail before yawning and rubbing his eyes as he slowly drifted back into sleep.

"I won't do it again, Bella," Rose spoke softly. "I didn't think it would be such a big problem. As Alice said....it was a spur of the moment thing or I would have checked it with you anyway....It was perfectly harmless. There was no smoke or anything and I made sure they were out of reach of the lights and stuff....."

"It's okay Rose," I said, placing a sleeping Masen back into his pram. "Just don't let it happen again." I took another couple of bites from my salad before I remembered what had started this in the first place. "So how did the fashion shoot go?" I asked.

I could feel the air chill around me the moment the words had left my mouth.

"It would have gone great in someone wouldn't have deemed it necessary to mess up every outfit I had put together," Alice hissed through her teeth.

"Put a sock in it pixie," Rose spat back, tightening her eyes. "Not everyone shares your love for bows and ribbons."

"They looked cute!" Alice retorted. "They were supposed to look cute. It was the theme of the shoot!"

I sat back and diverted my attention to Masen, who was still sleeping while Alice and Rose launched into a full fledged bitch fight in front of me. It wasn't something I hadn't seen before. In fact......it happened as regular as clockwork ever since Rose had started helping Alice out. They were both people with very distinct ideas of how things should be done. It was a matter of time before their personalities would clash.

"Why did I ask you to help me again?" Alice growled, spearing a piece of walnut on her fork with a force that frightened me a little.

"You were desperate," Rose chuckled, moving her spoon through her bowl of soup.

"I had to have been," Alice muttered under her breath.

"Oh come on Edna Mode!" Rose laughed. "As if you're so easy to work with!"

"It's my business," Alice hissed. "You're my assistant. Just do your job and but out of things you know nothing about."

"I don't know about fashion?" Rose huffed, looking like she would have strangled the pixie if her arms hadn't been occupied by Charlie right now. "Oh, Puhlease! I was doing Valentino runway shows while you were still running around trying to hide your damn camel toe in your leotard."

"Time out, guys!" I chuckled. "You like each other. Remember? Let's just change the subject before you poke each other's eyes out!"

"Right," Alice chuckled, scooting back in her chair again as both Rose and she looked at each other apologetically. "Sorry about that!"

And just like that everything went calm again.

If there was something I loved about these two women it was that they didn't hold grudges or let things fester. Whenever things bugged them they just had it out and forgot all about it again the moment they said their piece.

If only they took the same approach with their men.....

Alice and Jasper were still balancing on a fragile status quo with neither of them having the guts to break through it. I knew Alice was scared to death of opening up because she thought it would lead to her putting out an ultimatum and Jasper running for the hills. She wanted to take the next step in their relationship but she didn't want it at the cost of that relationship.

Jasper was still in a blissful state of denial and it appeared that he had added me to his list of people to run away from as soon as the conversation bordered on serious. I guess he must have found out what I wanted to talk to him about......

Jasper wasn't a bad guy or a bastard or anything. He was just a guy..... He had come a long way from his past philandering ways but he wasn't there yet and this was a prime example of it. I knew he loved Alice. He had told me so himself and even if he didn't, it was in everything he did and every look they shared. He was just afraid – in true guy fashion – that the moment he proposed to Alice or when they had a baby, his life as he knew it would be over. And Jasper didn't like change. He didn't teach history for nothing.....

"So Bella....." both of them turned to me. "How are things with Jane?"

"What?" I chuckled. "Aren't you going to ask me how things are with Edward first?"

"We know Edward's amazing," Rose grinned. "Jane, however, is not."

"True," I sighed. "I have to find a way to be more forceful with her though I don't know if Jane will be that impressed by any gimmick I might pick up though....."

"Didn't Bell kick her out?" Rose asked.

"He did," I nodded. "She transferred to Howard's class instead, but that was in her first week. She's picked up some new skills since then."

"Poor Bella," Alice pouted, rubbing my back and leaning her head against my shoulder.

"Would you mind if I went ahead and roughed her up for you?' Rose snickered. "It's been quite a while since I got to put my jiu-jitsu skills to good use."

"By all means, be my guest," I chuckled, finishing my salad. "But right now I have to get back. There's a standard textbook on the Industrial Revolution waiting for me."

"Oh jolly!" Alice laughed, rolling her eyes. "I guess I have to get back to my hot male models as well. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to go with olive oil or something else to get their chests nice and shiny for the swim suit shoot......"

"Bitch," both Rose and I growled.

Of course with our lunch meeting coming to a close I also had to say goodbye to Masen again, something that was getting harder each minute I put it off, especially with him sleeping so soundly in his pram. He was such a little angel when he slept. Just like his dad. He even smelled kind of like him.

As usual it was Rose who saved the day and managed to pry me away from my son without me going into Shakespeare-style dramatics and waking the poor little thing up. We had gotten to the point where all she had to do was rise and tap her feet for me to get the message and back away from the baby.

"Bye Masen," I sighed as I took a step back. "Mommy loves you."

"Yeah, yeah, I don't think that really matters to him right now," Rose snorted. "All he thinks about is boobs, sleeping and pooping." She paused, a pensive look on her face. "Kind of like Emmett now I think of it."

"I wish Jasper would get that far," Alice growled, so softly only I could hear.

"I'm going to sneak up on him guerilla style at school tomorrow," I whispered back. "That is.....if Aro won't have me thrown out of the building before I reach his classroom....Let's see if he can dodge me if I'm standing right in front of him."

"Thanks Bells," she sighed. "I know he's been running from you just as hard as he has done from me."

"He won't get very far," I shrugged. "I know all his hideouts, even the ones he keeps hidden from you."

**xXx**

I had just returned from lunch and was just starting to immerse myself in industrialism and the 19th century novelist when a knock on the door startled me from my book.

"I'm sorry," the voice of professor Vladimir Tepes apologized. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay," I laughed a little out of breath. "I didn't hear you approach. I was so wrapped up you could have fired a cannon next to my head and I wouldn't have noticed."

"Do you have a moment to catch up?" he asked, standing on the threshold.

"Of course," I smiled. "Have a seat."

As he took his seat on the opposite side of my desk I wracked my brain about why he was here. Being the head of the department he rarely taught classes anymore. In fact....it was a rare event to even see him in residence. Since he had published his magnum opus on English Renaissance literature he had been traveling the world to speak at conventions and pick up honorary fellowships. It was good for the college to have such a famous man heading it – the fact that the college was able to pay my salary was mainly due to the cash his name and face raked in – but sometimes it was a bit unhandy when you had to get in touch with him on some urgent matter and he was guest lecturing at the university of Heidelberg, Germany.

"You must be wondering why I'm here," he said, his thick Romanian accent shining through.

"I am, to be honest," I nodded.

"You hide it well," he laughed. "Most people go into a full blown anxiety attack the moment they spot me."

"You're not that scary," I chuckled. "Although the fact that I once saw you play the part of the nurse in Romeo and Juliet at the Shakespeare Festival might have something to do with it."

"True," he laughed. He had been the most memorable nurse I had ever seen in my life. Between his almost rodent like features and his tall, imposing frame he had been about as different from every rendition of the character as I had ever witnessed. Until he started acting that was......

He was amazing. He had the entire audience spellbound from the moment he stepped onto the stage, which was quite the achievement considering the fact that the main parts were played by famous Hollywood actors.

"So what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?" I inquired.

"I hear that there's a pesky little wasp plaguing the faculty of this department and that you appear to be its main target," he mused, looking at me over his folded hands.

"It's nothing," shrugged, my traitor blush making an appearance as soon as the lies left my mouth. "That's to say.....nothing I can't handle."

"Stefan is quite concerned about you," he continued. "He is afraid that with the current workload you're handling beside your tasks as a mother are too much. A girl like Miss Volturi launching her attack on you is the last thing you need right now."

"As I said....." I started, thinking of a way to breech this subject delicately. "It's nothing I can't handle. In fact, she's been warming up to me a little more of late." That wasn't entirely true. She had stopped attacking me personally only to change tactics and attack the course I was teaching. "She won't ever become my favorite student but I can deal with her."

"Did you ever consider sending her away?" he inquired, his small dark eyes scrutinizing my face for traces of dishonesty or discomfort.

"I have," I admitted. "But I haven't asked her to leave yet. She's smart. She won't cross any lines that will warrant such a measurement."

"That is not for her to decide," Professor Tepes retorted. "It is your class, you are the one to decide whether her behavior is tolerable or not. She might have stopped launching personal attacks on you but even when she is questioning the course material she is in fact questioning you. If you get the suspicion that her questions have an undermining undertone you expel her. It's as simple as that."

"I wish it was," I sighed. "I know there will be hell to pay the moment I do that. Her father is going to be on the phone with the dean to have me fired within the hour. I'm sure of that."

"And what if he does?" the professor asked.

I just stared at him in amazement, not even trying to come up with an answer. He wasn't saying that I could one up the dean, was he?

"Her daddy may have been able to get her into this college but as soon as she enrolls in your class _you_ hold the power. Never forget that," he continued, patting my hand.

"I know," I admitted. "It's just hard sometimes to detach myself from the memories....."

"You're not a high school teacher anymore, Isabella," professor Tepes went on, his small dark eyes prying at me from underneath his glasses. "You decide if her behavior is acceptable, not her father. If you don't want the little instigator in your class and you can back your decision up with enough examples of her ghastly behavior – which I have no doubt you can deliver – you don't admit her. It's as simple as that."

"I would be accepting defeat," I pouted. That was the last thing I was going to be doing. I quit my job because I didn't want Jane to triumph over me. I wasn't going to stand by and let that happen again.

"It's not like that," the professor countered. "Sure, when you give her space to question your actions she is going to take it. But when you make it quite clear her behavior in your class can't be tolerated and is disrupting the learning process of her fellow students you'll be surprised at how the tables may turn. If you play your hand well you'll even find that most of the students will applaud your actions."

"How am I going to bring that about?" I asked. I had sent away students in my high school classes but not very often. So far the students I had had most trouble with by far were Jane and Alec and where Alec never let it get as far as to be ordered to leave, Jane hardly ever waited for me to send her away. Most of the time she left on her own accord. "How am I going to find a balance between keeping her in check for most of the classes and sending her away when I must?"

"Arrogance. It's as simple as that. You are going to have to learn to be more arrogant," he replied. "Arrogance, applied in moderation of course, is one of the professional tools every good college professor should have in his or her arsenal. You'll find your students will only respect you more for it if you use it to your advantage."

"I guess that makes sense," I nodded. "Though it's easier said then done." When I had first started out as a teacher I had often been called 'too sweet for my own good'. It was true. Being firm with your students was hard at times but I had learned from the mistakes I had made in my first year. I didn't have to be their friend, I had to be their teacher. And teachers have rules. I guess I would have to up my game even further if I wanted to make it here.

"That's what the doctorate program is all about," Tepes, chuckled, patting my hand. "You need to create a piece of scientific writing that adds something significant to your field of expertise but on the other hand we are trying to prepare you for life as a college professor and though it might still be teaching, the skills needed by a good college professor are quite different to those used by a high school teacher. Your students are legal adults. You are more than justified to expect according behavior of them."

"Thanks," I sighed, pushing a strand of hair out of my face. "It's just that everything is still so new and strange….half of the time I have the feeling I'm walking around shell-shocked."

"We've all been there, my dear," he laughed. "Just know that even though you're still relatively new around here. You have our full support in tackling the Volturi brat and any other student that may cause trouble for you."

"That is very good to hear," I nodded, feeling more sure of myself than I had done in weeks.

"It's about time the little instigator found out she's behind enemy lines now," he mused. "I can't wait for the first time I see that pompous jackass – pardon my French – of a father walk through the door."

"You're looking forward to it?" I asked, seeing the lights dance in the professors eyes.

"Of course my dear!" he grinned. "I have a matter or two to settle with Aro Volturi. By the time summer comes he will be wishing he enrolled his kid in some tiny community college."

"You should have focused on Western fiction instead of Elizabethan literature," I chuckled. "You're giving John Wayne a run for his money right now."

"You'll find more murder and deceit in a random Elizabethan play than in any of your little cowboy stories," he quipped. "If anything the Elizabethans took their feuds and duels very serious."

"True," I laughed.

"I'll let you get back to your studies," he nodded, taking his leave. "I expect to have a progress report on my desk on Friday."

"Are you sure you don't just want me to e-mail it to you?" I joked. "It's what all the cool kids are doing nowadays."

"Don't talk to me of modern equipment," he huffed with a modern look. "If it were up to me all assignments would have to be created using quills and parchment. It would make this world a much better place."

I chuckled as he breezed out of my office, still muttering to himself about evil computers and stupid internet. Like Stefan he used his elaborate state of the art desktop as a dust collector. He was old school and believed in the effects of thorough research and handwritten papers. According to him he could take one look at a handwritten paper and tell you the student would have what it took to graduate or not. According to him it took organization and clearness of mind to built up a good argument in handwriting, since you couldn't just copy and paste a paragraph when it was in the wrong place.

I spend the rest of the afternoon immersed in the nineteenth century cotton trade and the effects on the people. I was amazed to find a report on a man called Robert Owen who was so sympathetic towards the fate of his workers that he built an entire village consisting of good homes, sports facilities and even a pub – though it didn't serve alcohol – for them. True, when his workers were happy and healthy he could make them work harder, but he didn't have to do it. In fact, most of his peers wouldn't have felt that obligation.

It reminded me a bit of Elizabeth Gaskell's _North and South_ since later on in the novel she had Mr. Thornton built a cafeteria for his staff to make sure they were properly fed. The similarities were certainly something I was going to look into much further.

A look on the clock showed me just how fast time flew by once you found something interesting. It was already fifteen minutes past the time I usually left.

Being a teacher offered me a lot of flexible hours. I had to be present for classes and office hours but apart from that I could spend a lot of my time working from my office, from home or any other place I preferred.

It wasn't about what I preferred though…..

If it were up to me I would have been out of the building five minutes after my final class ended but I knew that being home with two kids made doing research and letting thoughts simmer and develop in you head virtually impossible and with professor Tepes expecting biweekly updates on my progress and plans I couldn't afford to do what I wanted.

With Edward having to work more hours I had to find some way though. I didn't want to ask Rose to take the kids more often. She was already doing so much and – to be honest – I didn't want Libby and Masen to spend so much time away from their parents. Perhaps if I did the research during school hours and did my class preparations and revisions from home I would just about make it work if Libby could be kept comparatively quiet and Masen would be asleep.

I sighed to myself. Those where a whole lot of ifs…….

I knew I had told Edward that I would try to cut back on my hours but I wanted to see if I could make this work first. I hated asking for so many favors. Appointing me as a teaching fellow even with my meager academic credentials had made both Stefan and Vladimir put their necks out enough already, if I started asking for more favors – which I was sure Stefan would grant in a minute and Tepes would grudgingly agree to as well – I risked attracting an air of favoritism. Not only would that harm the college, it would also kill my career in the bud.

No. I had to see if I could make this work first.

I made my way home as quick as I could with traffic being it's usual bitchy self and me needing to pick up some ingredients for tonight's dinner on the way.

Though I was still exhausted after a day of work I had made some progress over the last couple of months. It was getting easier to put myself to performing some of my household tasks like cooking and folding laundry.

Instead of crashing on the sofa like some dead sparrow every night I tried to keep my eyes open long enough to actually spend some quality time with my family. I wasn't there yet (most nights I still fell asleep in front of the television) but I was making progress. I didn't fall asleep with my head on the kitchen table anymore, something I was immensely proud of.

The guilt still remained though. It was starting to occupy such a significant portion of my brain that I was almost getting used to it. Whenever I had to leave home in the morning I felt guilty for dropping off my kids with other people while I went to work on my career. When I left work early to pick them up I felt guilty for not spending as much time and attention on my job when both of my former professors had stuck their necks out to get me there. And finally I also felt the guilt every night I fell asleep before Edward and I had had as much as a word spoken between us.

I knew it was only temporary but the fact that – even before he had started competing for his own fellowship – we were basically living separate lives had me worried and feeling lonely. I longed for him. I longed for his touch, his words, his smell, for the way he always made me feel special and loved…..

I missed him.

Terribly.

When I finally made it to the house I grabbed my stuff and walked to the door. Upon opening there was one thing that struck me immediately.

Silence.

Were they even home? I racked my brain to remember if I had missed something. Edward had send me a message when he had finally gotten home to tell me he had picked up the kids on his way from the hospital but he hadn't said anything about taking them out. Strange. As I hung up my coat I saw Libby enter the foyer in tiptoe.

"What is it?" I asked. "Are you and daddy playing some new kind of game?"

"Shh, mommy," she whispered, holding her finger over her lips. "You have to be quiet. Daddy and Masen are sleeping."

"They are?" I chuckled, taking her outstretched hand and letting her tow me towards the living room.

Sure enough. Once I entered the room I was hit by the most adorable, heartwarming sight in the world. Edward was stretched out on his back on the sofa, his feet dangling from the side, sleeping like the dead with Masen lying equally deep asleep in his arms.

The sight of them, both with their messy hair and perfect white marble skins lying there so peacefully brought a tear to my eye. I missed both of them so much during the day but if I could come back to a sight like this it had all been worth it.

"How long have they been asleep?' I asked.

"Long," Libby giggled. "We were watching Powerpuff Girls while daddy was feeding Masen his bottle and when I looked to see why he wasn't laughing I saw he was asleep.

"Did Masen fall asleep right away?"

"Almost," she beamed back. "He was making cute little noises at first but then he yawned and fell asleep as well. I took pictures."

"You did?"

"Yes," she nodded, motioning to the expensive SLR camera Edward had bought once he found out I was pregnant that was currently sitting on the table. "I knew you would like to see it and daddy said he wanted to take pictures of every cute thing Masen did and they were looking so cute and……."

"I'm no mad sweetie,' I chuckled.

"But you told me to never – ever – touch the camera…." she muttered, clearly having expected a much firmer response.

"Do you want me to punish you?" I giggled. "I'm happy that you thought of me when I was away. Just don't do it again. You're lucky enough daddy is asleep right now. If he caught you handling his new toy there'd be hell to pay."

"So what do we do now?" she asked. "Do you want me to wake them up?"

"I think we should just let daddy sleep some more," I suggested. "He's working so hard that he deserves all the rest he can get. How about the two of us get dinner started while daddy and Masen rest?"

"Can I help?" Libby had developed a love of cooking lately. Sure, she liked making sweet things like cookies most of all but she also loved putting things together I had sliced up or stirring pans with a big wooden spoon.

**xXx**

"How long have I been asleep?" Edward yawned as he walked into the kitchen right when we were putting the finishing touches to the chicken parmesan.

"At least two hours I think?" I replied as he wrapped his arms around me and brushed his nose along the base of my neck, making my breathing hitch and my eyes roll upward. "Where's Masen?"

"In his crib in the living room," he replied, placing kisses at the nape of my neck.

"Edward…." I groaned.

"Yes my lovely wife?"

"I'm cutting up vegetables," I warned. "You know I can't deal with distraction when there are sharp objects around…."

"Tonight, love," he growled, moving closer so that I was pushed up against the kitchen cabinets, his arousal pressing into my back. "I've got more than enough energy to make you scream tonight…..all night long."

"E-Edward," I whined. Between his words and the evidence of his arousal I had a hard enough time not throwing him down on the table – the very table I planned to serve dinner on for my family in a couple of minutes – and have my wicked way with him but I knew that would probably be a bad idea with Libby just a few feet away, setting the table and Masen about to wake up and want his own dinner.

It wouldn't be long now before I would stop breastfeeding him and though it would make feeding him easier when I didn't have to be around for it to happen, I would miss it. Not only did I feel completely close and in synch with him, it was also a moment of calm and quiet in the day, one of the few I had.

"I'll go get Masen,' he chuckled, swatting my ass as he walked out of the kitchen whistling some poppy, upbeat tune. He sure thought he was getting lucky tonight.

Dinner passed like it always did. We talked about our days while eating and afterwards I fed Masen while Edward and Libby did the dishes.

Libby was standing on her special kitchen step stool, her hands and arms completely immersed in the suds, washing the dirty plates with a look of concentration on her face that made it seem like she was curing world famine. Edward, meanwhile, was telling her some gory story about a surgery he had performed today that had Libby's eyes growing into little saucers. She loved hearing about Edwards surgeries though the way she particularly seemed to like the disgusting details had me a little worried.

Every now and then Edward would shift his glance from Libby to me, his eyes burning into mine with an intensity that made my heart speed up and my underwear soak through. It had been too long since we had made love – properly made love - that was. All we had time for nowadays was a quick fuck whenever the tension got too much to handle. The fact that we would be taking our time, actually making love, had my whole body in an uproar.

It still felt wrong though, getting all hot and bothered while feeding my innocent little son.

"Why are you blushing mommy?" Libby asked, wiping her hands on the towel.

"It's a little hot in here," I muttered, trying to hide my heated face behind my hair as I focused my attention on Masen.

"No it's not," Libby retorted. "You aren't even wearing all of your clothes…..Are you getting sick mommy?"

"Yes darling," Edward chimed in, making no effort to conceal his humor. "You aren't spiking a fever, are you?"

"I don't think so," I hissed, before thinking better of myself. "Or do you want to put me through a physical exam to see what's wrong with me?" Masen was full right about that moment and I made sure Edward got a good look of my bare breast before I covered myself up to burp my son.

"That might be a good idea," he said, his Adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed. "Libby sweetheart? Are you getting tired yet?"

"Are you going to read me a story?" she asked, beaming up at him.

"Yes?"

"Yay!" she squealed, clapping her hands together. "Then I'm tired. Are you coming daddy?" she sprinted up the stairs without waiting for a reply. I figured it would take Edward quite a few pages of _Matilda_ to get her calm enough to sleep. Libby loved it when Edward read _Matilda_. She claimed he could put on a much better Trunchbull than I could.

"Meet me in the bedroom in half an hour," he growled in my ear as he walked past me. "Be naked."

"Bedroom. Naked. Right," I repeated, my blush deepening as I looked into his eyes to see his darkened eyes shining with lust. "Anything else?"

"Nope," he chuckled, looking back over his shoulder. "You naked in bed is all I need."

I didn't think I ever got Masen down for the night as fast as I had that night. I made sure he had everything he needed and was sleeping peacefully in his crib while constantly listening at the door to hear how Edward was faring with Libby.

Every cell in my body was giddy with anticipation when I finally closed Masen's bedroom and walked over to our room, dimming the lights and lighting some candles to get a mood going. Taking Edward's advice I stripped out of my clothes and lay down on the bed, trying – and failing – to come up with a position that felt comfortable and alluring while being naked.

Now all I needed was for my super hot, super horny husband to make our daughter go to sleep.

**xXx**

I still felt happy bordering on giddy when I walked up the steps of my old workplace the next day. Last night had been amazing. Edward had been amazing. And the most amazing thing was that he was still there the next day when I woke up, something that was getting as rare as spending the evening together awake.

Throughout the morning nothing had been able to dampen my spirits and with no Jane in sight I had left my office about as happy as I had entered it.

Nothing could get me down. Not even the prospect of having to venture behind enemy lines to bully my best friend into having a conversation with me that I really didn't want to have.

Talk about post-coital high……

It did require some planning to get into the building and up to the floor where Jasper's classroom was located though. I had no doubt in my mind that Aro would escort me off the premises the moment he found me so I had to devise a plan to go around him while hoping he wasn't trawling the third floor corridor today.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I did manage to make it up safe and sounds and waited in front of his classroom for the bell to sound. I had learned through Alice that this was his last class of the day and that his schedule was empty so there was no way he could refuse to have lunch with me this afternoon.

"Bella!" he breathed as I pushed my way through the students on their way out of the room. "What a nice surprise!"

"Don't look so frightened Whitlock!" I snickered. "I come in peace."

"Are you sure?" he chuckled. "I mean….I'm flattered that you braved Aro's prying eyes and the ghosts of tortured teachers littering these halls just because you like my company, but somehow I get the feeling that there's more to it than that."

"I'm here to take you to lunch,' I smiled. "And to talk."

"About what?"

"Don't sport with my intelligence."

"Right," he muttered. "Sorry."

"Let's just get out of here," I sighed, "before Aro sniffs out my trail."

"You look good Bells,' he remarked as we sat down on a quiet bench at the park with our lunches. "In fact…..you look like you got laid good and proper last night."

"Jasper!" I scoffed, whacking him in the shoulder.

"You do!" he chuckled. "Tell me."

"Well….." I muttered, my face burning a nice beet red. "Edward got off early yesterday and……why am I telling you about my sex life?"

"Because its fun!' he laughed. "And I bet Edward got off yesterday. Several times, judging by the look on your face!"

"Fuck you Jazz!" I scowled. "If I wanted to be made fun of like that I would have gone to Emmett. And quit distracting me. We're here to talk about you and Alice."

"What about it?" he muttered, picking at his baguette

"You know what we're here to talk about Jazz," I quipped. "In fact…..you've been running from Alice and me so fast to avoid this very talk that you should seriously look into competing in the marathon."

"This is about Alice wanting to get married, isn't it?" he growled, kicking at a few pebbles.

"This is about finally getting your head out of your own ass and growing up," I huffed back.

"You don't sugarcoat, do you?" he smirked.

"Seriously Jazz," I said, "you need to quit stalling and do something or it's going to cost you your relationship."

"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do?" he yelled.

"You love her right?" I asked. "And you want to be with her?"

"Of course," he shrugged.

"Then what is keeping you from asking her?"

"Look," his eyes sought mine and I could see how hard this had been on him, "I know Alice is hurting because of me and I hate myself for it but I'm not ready......I can't bring myself to say the words.......I can't. I can't ask het to marry me….not just yet."

"Why not?" I asked. "What's holding you back?"

"I'm afraid," he stated.

"What?"

"I'm scared Bella," he sighed. "I'm afraid that if I give Alice what she wants it will be the day I sign my death warrant."

"Don't be melodramatic."

"I'm not," he looked a little offended. "I look at Edward and you and Rose and Emmett and all I see is a lifestyle that, though it appeals to me, is nothing I ever imagined living," he explained. "I never thought I was _that_ guy, Bella. I wasn't cut out to be relationship material. I'm a fucking island." He took a deep breath as he watched me to see if I was still following him. When I nodded he continued. "Then I met Alice that day at the bar and everything changed. Suddenly I had a steady girlfriend and within the blink of an eye I was living with her in a place that was all girly and shit and she was fucking touching my vintage LP's."

"Did you tell her not to?" I asked.

"This isn't about the fucking records," he growled. "The fact is that Alice does everything at Warp speed and just expects me to catch up with her without complaining."

"Did you talk to her about it?" I repeated, knowing conflict never was Jaspers strong suit.

"And what should I have said?" he retorted. "You told me yourself she was freaking out about my failure to commit. What do you think she would do if I told her to wait another couple of years until I'm ready?"

"She'd understand Jazz," I tried to reassure him.

"No she won't," he disagreed. "She's used to getting everything she wants when she wants it and if she doesn't she'll just nag you until she gets it. She's not going to understand that some things just take time."

"Bu you do want to marry her?" I asked.

"One day, yes," he replied. "I can't see myself or my future without her, Bells. I'm just not ready to give up on the past yet."

"That's stupid."

"Why?"

"Because you're past is littered with one night stands and brainless bimbo's. Do you really want to go back to that?"

"I was a free agent," he quipped.

"You were miserable Jazz!" I laughed. "All you ever did was bitch at me that you wanted to find a girl you could hold a conversation with and keep on to for more than one night and now you have all of that you're whining about losing your freedom."

"It's just that sometimes all I seem to do is give," he muttered. "Hell, I even gave that girl free range over my closet. If that isn't real love then I don't know what the fuck is!"

"True," I snickered, remembering how Jaspers outfits changed significantly once he started going out with Alice. No more creased, old button ups and band shirts but only well tailored designer wear.

"Is it so much to ask for her to love me just the way I am?" he asked.

"Quit stealing my DVD's," I chuckled. "And not even Mark Darcy loved Bridget just the way she was. He just told her that to get into her pants."

"Married life really did a number one you, didn't it?" he retorted.

"How so?" I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"What happened to remaining yourself and not compromising for anyone?"

"It's called growing up Jasper," I replied. "You should try it some day....Oh right....you're too scared to do so."

"Don't go there," he warned.

"You started it."

"How old are you? Five?"

"We still haven't talked bout how you are going to breech this subject with Alice."

"I'm not."

"You'll loose her."

"What?" he looked as if I had smacked him in the face.

"Most women need the stability and comfort of a firm attachment and Alice is no exception," I explained. "She's hurt and confused right now. She thinks you're rejecting her by rejecting the next step in your relationship. You have to talk to her before it's too late."

"What do I say?" he asked, his hands playing with the hem of his band shirt, the only one he salvaged before Alice attacked his wardrobe.

"Say what's in your heart."

"And you accuse me of watching too many movies," he smirked.

"They do sometimes, on rare occasions, have these tiny nuggets of truth in them," I joked, before turning serious again. "And I'm entirely serious. You have to be open and upfront with her about this if you want a future with her."

"And what if she doesn't understand?"

"Then you're going to have to find a solution," I shrugged.

"I guess so," he sighed.

"Just give her something Jazz," I implored. "Something that lets her know you're taking this relationship every bit as serious as she is."

"I know," he sighed. "But it's just so fucked up. I know what I should be doing and I hate myself for not doing it…..it's just that every time I open my mouth to say something I just keep freezing up and the longer it takes for me to get the words out, the harder it gets…."

"Then maybe you should let something else speak for you," I suggested, watching my best friend as he sat on the bench looking like condemned man. "Alice loves getting presents. Why don't you buy her something nice, something that tells her just how much you want her in your life?"

"That's an excellent idea," he smiled. "Want to go help me?"

"I want to," I replied, "but you have to do this yourself and you better get your ass on it soldier boy!"

"Married life really did do a number on you," he sighed dramatically before saying goodbye and – after a final beg to have me help him – left in the direction of Fifth Avenue.

I kept me fingers crossed that he would find something nice for her and that they would talk, but with him being scared and her being slightly pushy I knew this was going to be though.

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_**So we know what's been plaguing Jasper. Basically he's just doing that completely annoying guy thing where they know that they want to be in a relationship but are to damn scared to accept it. Yeah…I've been there, watched it happen and comforted my friends more than I would like to remember.**_

_**I'm sorry for the fade to black thing. I did initially intend to write a lemon in this chapter but it was getting way long so for this one we'll just have to make do with the mention of sex. The actual deed will be saved for next chapter, which will also set the stage for some of the main events of this story…..**_

_**Head over to the twilighted thread (after you've left me your thoughts on this chapter). I usually post about two teasers for the upcoming chapter and any song / picture or other stuff that will ne featured in the chapter. **_

_**For now: please review. **_


	7. Truth & Thunderclouds

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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**Truth and Thunderclouds**

_**October 2009**_

"Good morning," I whispered as I felt Edward crawl under the covers beside me as first light peeked through the shutters.

"Good night, my love," he purred, scooting closer and wrapping is arms around me.

"How was your shift?" I yawned as I snuggled into his chest. "Did you get any sleep?" Edward had been working nights this week, meaning we only caught glimpses of one another in passing as he came home after his shift and I was getting ready to start my day.

"Hardly," he groaned. "It was crazy……I won't bore you with the details."

"But you're home now," I muttered, kissing him in the center of his chest. "Sleep. You're going to need it."

"Right," he sighed. "Your mom's visit is today, isn't it?"

"Yes," I groaned. "I wish it wasn't……"

"No," he interrupted. "It's good that you speak to your mom."

"You don't mean that," I snorted. I knew for a fact that Edward didn't exactly think highly of my mother. It was why he had added another nightshift to his week so that he could be free to stay home while my mom visited us.

"You're right," he chuckled, his chest shaking with his laughter.

"It's only for an hour or so," I smiled. "Then you get to take Libby to the park while I catch up with Renee."

"Are you looking forward to it?" he teased, knowing how Renee's presence in a room had the immediate ability to have everyone walking on eggshells.

"Let's just say I'm not dreading the conversation,' I sighed. "That's about as far as I will go."

In truth I missed my mom. Or – better said – I missed the mom she used to be before my dad died and before that horrible day back at Yale when the change in her had become all too clear to me.

It was hard now to remember the days when I could share just about anything with her and we used to gush over cute actors and romance novels together. She used to remind me of a butterfly; free and flighty, going where the wind took her. Nowadays, however, she reminded me more of one of those toys you could buy that had a water filled balloon inside of them. You'd throw it from one person to another until the balloon exploded and the poor soul holding the ball would be soaked through.

She wasn't like that when I was still living at home. True, she had been unpredictable but most of the times her unpredictability had expressed itself in the most creative games she would invent for Emmett and me or some new artistic outlet for herself. People in the village had branded her as somewhat an oddity but had concluded, after some time, that she was harmless enough. And they were right. Or, at least, they had been.

I would never know what brought her to blow up on me like that when I told her I was pregnant. I knew she had been disappointed in me and that it had come as a second huge blow to her so soon after loosing my father, but I had never imagined her to be capable of such cruelty. Her harsh words had opened up a wound inside of my heart that would never fully heal and which would always hang over us. I could forgive her and try to have some sort of relationship with her, but I could never fully forget what she had done.

Sometimes I wondered if, had my mother reacted differently, I would have found the courage to contact Edward. After Angela she had been the second person I had turned to when I had found out and whereas Angela had accepted and respected my decision to keep my pregnancy a secret, I somehow doubted my mom would have done the same.

She would have been right though. Not telling Edward he was a father for five years had been one of the worst mistakes I had made in my life, eclipsed only by putting my trust in Lauren Mallory, and not a day went by that I didn't find myself thanking prosperity for giving me a chance to redeem myself and be forgiven, something I had never expected to happen.

I had made a success of my life in spite of the obstacles thrown in my way and even though I had a hard time adjusting to the new rhythm in my life, I was – for the first time in my life – truly happy.

It scared the crap out of me.

No person had a right to be this happy. It was like a silence for the storm, like some great disaster was just waiting around for the right moment to strike and to bring my whole happy world tumbling down.

It was a feeling that had been sneaking up on me almost as soon as we got home from our honeymoon and during every drama-free month that had passed since then it had started to grow and gnaw at me from the inside.

I knew I was crazy and stupid for thinking like this. I mean….why couldn't we just be happy? We had had enough drama to last us a lifetime, why not believe my days of sadness were behind me?

Because no person could be happy all the time…

"Bella, are you okay?" Edward's concerned words disrupted my thoughts.

"Just thinking," I sighed.

"About what?" he asked, tightening his arms around me.

"About the past," I yawned, snuggling back into his warm embrace, my head resting on his chest, right above his heart. "And about how happy I am now."

"You didn't look all that happy to me," he frowned. "More like scared if you'd ask me."

"You're not going to let me go back to sleep before I answer you, are you?" I sighed.

"Nope," he chuckled. "I just got home and I'm still all hyped up from surgery. I can go on like this for hours."

Trying a different approach I pulled my most seductive grin out of my toes. "Wouldn't it be better to channel all that energy in different directions?" I purred, placing open mouthed kisses on his chest while my hand started to wander south.

"Not before you tell me what the hell you were thinking about that had you looking so sad," he grinned, stopping my hand before it came anywhere near it's goal.

I sighed, knowing that if I told him what was on my mind I would be getting nowhere near his penis for quite some time. "Do you ever think we're too happy?"

"No," he chuckled. 'Whatever makes you think that?"

"Don't make fun of me," I huffed. "You asked for the truth, now you have it. I'm scared of something bad happening. We're too happy……"

"So what would you have me do?' he asked, getting more serious now. "Slap you around? Cheat on you?"

"Never mind," I growled, trying to move out of his grasp.

"I'm sorry," he conceded. "This is something that's obviously weighing on your brain and here I am making fun of it. I'm an ass."

"You are," I chuckled, playfully slapping him on the chest. "But that's another matter entirely. You still owe me an answer."

"I don't think we're too happy," he replied in earnest, playing with a strand of my hair. "I know that in this moment, with you here in my arms, I am perfectly happy. Still, I also know how hard we have had to fight for our happiness. The years we've spend apart, all of the mistakes we've made back then and now, the difficulties we're still facing…..Yes, I think we really deserve every bit of happiness we have."

"If you put it like that…." I mused.

"Why don't you think we deserve it?"

"It's not that," I replied. "I'm just afraid of something terrible happening. Afraid that this is just the silence before the storm……"

"We're strong," Edward interrupted me. "We've made our mistakes and learned from them. I'm sure we can wither any storm when it comes."

"Famous last words," I muttered.

"Just have some faith in us, love," he sighed.

"I do," I countered. "But that doesn't mean I'm not scared."

"What can I do to erase your fears?" he asked, his worried eyes blazing into mine. "I promised to always love and protect you, whatever it takes…..I don't want you to be afraid."

"I'm sorry for dumping this on you," I muttered, tears stinging in my eyes. Here he was, working so hard he sometimes stumbled into the house looking like death warmed up and just to add insult to injury I dumped all of my petty little worries on him instead of letting him catch up on his rest. "You've been working all night and you deserve to come home to a hug and some well deserved rest, not your crazy wife raving about things that may never even happen."

I cursed myself for my inability to keep my mouth shut and not bother anyone else with my crazy theories about how good times would always be followed by the bad.

"You're not crazy Bella," he assured me. "It's only natural to be worried about the future sometimes, especially when so many good things have happened, like they did to us over these last months. I'm worried too….."

"You are?" I looked up at him to gauge his reaction. He was looking away from me, his eyes fixed on the ray of light that shone through a gap in the curtains.

"Of course," he sighed. "But I don't want to talk about that now. You still haven't answered my question, you know…."

"Love me," I whispered, leaning up to crush my lips to his. "Love me. Never stop."

"I wish every problem had such an easy resolve," he chuckled against my lips. "If only you knew how addicted I am to you, you'd never doubt my complete disability to ever stop loving you. You're like……my heroin."

"Thanks," I smirked, my hands trailing over his ripped abs. The mood had suddenly shifted from fear and distress to longing and lust. Both of us needed this, to be close to another in the most intimate way possible. To reassure ourselves of the strength of our bond.

"I won't ever stop," he muttered, his hand tugging on the elastic band of my pajama bottoms while the other weaved into my hair, holding me close to him.

Within moments our clothes were discarded, our hands exploring and caressing every spot of skin they could reach as our lips devoured each other like the world was ending.

"Bella….." he muttered, his eyes scorching into mine as he traveled down my stomach, his lips nipping and biting at my overheated skin.

"Don't stop," I whispered, my breath hitching in my throat as I felt his breath tickle the skin of my stomach as he continued his descent.

"As if I could stay away from you," he muttered, placing a light, tender kiss on my stomach while his fingers parted my slick folds.

If Edward had been an accomplished lover that first time we had made love seven years ago, time and a close study of my body had only made him better. He knew exactly what buttons to push and how to push them to bring me to the brink of insanity.

"Edward…" I moaned as his lips nipped and sucked on my clit while his fingers probed my opening, teasing and testing before finally giving in to my pleas and slipping inside of me.

"Please….faster….more," I panted as his fingers moved in an excruciatingly slow pace.

"Anything for you my love," he muttered, the vibrations of the words rolling from his lips echoing against my clit, driving me closer and closer to the edge.

"So….close," I groaned, my hand fisting in his hair, holding him close to me as he craned his fingers inside of me, seeking out that one spot that was guaranteed to send me over the edge.

"Edward!" I cried, as his fingers found their mark.

"Please love," he muttered. "Cum for me. Now."

And just like that I did. It was like he played my body like a master conductor. He knew just how it was going to react and what he needed to do to make me either desperate or intensely happy – as I was right now.

"I love you Bella," he whispered, kissing a trail back up my stomach.

"I love you too," I smiled. "My perfect husband."

"Make love to me," he asked in an almost pleading tone.

"Anything…." I whispered, my hands tugging at his shoulders, making him lie down on his back with me straddling his waist.

His eyes met mine as I enclosed him with my body, his hands settling on my hips as I started swiveling my hips, creating a wonderful kind of friction as our bodies intertwined.

"Fuck….Bella," he panted, his eyes fixed on the movement of my breasts. "Don't stop."

"Never," I panted, increasing the speed of my movements as his hands dug deeper into my thighs. "Please….."

It was as if he had heard my unvoiced request as he sat up, hitting new spots inside of me as his lips enveloped my hardened peaks, his hand sneaking I between us to circle my clit.

"Fuck Bella…" he panted. "I'm not going to last much longer……."

"Let go," I whispered, my eyes locking with his as my hands weaved themselves into his hair.

"Not without you," he hissed, as his eyes focused and unfocussed, unwilling to take pleasure until I he made sure I had mine…for the second time.

"So…close," I moaned as his hands kept up their maddening ministrations.

"Now," he ordered, thrusting upwards and pinching my clit at the same time, making me powerless to do anything else but shudder and spasm involuntary as I found my second release of the day.

"Bella…." He groaned as he followed me into oblivion, both of us crashing back on the mattress in a tangled heap of body parts, satisfied and utterly spent.

"Don't ever doubt what we have," I heard Edward mutter as I settled against his chest, disentangling myself from him right before I drifted back into sleep. "I love you too much to lose you again……"

I awoke again after another hour or so of sleep, surprised that Libby hadn't barged in to come get me yet or Masen hadn't woken us up with his hungry cries. I disentangled myself from Edwards grip as carefully as I could, making sure I didn't wake him up, before tiptoeing out of the room to see what our children were up to.

Libby's bedroom was empty but I had guessed that much when I heard the muffled sounds of the television coming from downstairs. I was a lot more surprised when I found Masen's bed empty as well. Had Libby taken him downstairs with her? Why didn't I hear her go into his bedroom? Was the baby monitor not working?

I walked over to the little white device to see it was switched off.

Strange. I remembered turning it on last night. Had Libby accidentally switched it off when she went into the room? Or did I forget even in spite of my memories?

Well, there was only one way to find out……

With building trepidation I descended the stairs, listening closely for any signs of Libby or Masen but – apart from the blaring television – I couldn't hear anything.

Libby was sitting on the couch with a sleeping Masen in the travel cot beside her, her eyes glued to the episode of _Totally Spies_ on the plasma screen.

"Libby?" I began asking, my mind trying to put together a picture of what was going on. "What are you doing?"

"Daddy woke me up when he got home and I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs but then I thought about Masen and how he would wake you up when he started to cry so I took him downstairs with me."

"That's nice of you baby," I replied, releasing the breath I had been holding. "But you gave mommy quite a scare when I found his bed empty."

"I'm sorry," she muttered.

"That's okay, honey," I soothed, sitting down next to her and pulling her into my lap. She was heavier than I remembered. "I'm amazed that he didn't start crying though. He must be hungry....."

"No he's not," Libby replied, matter-of-factly. "I fed him."

"You did?" I asked, debating about whether or not I was entirely happy with this. "You didn't use the microwave did you?"

"No silly!" she huffed, almost hurt by the implication that she wouldn't know how to get her baby brother properly fed. "I used the bottle warmer."

"Sorry," I apologized. "I know you know how to take care of your brother, but this comes as a bit of a surprise to me......"

"Are you mad?" she asked.

I sighed. Mad wasn't the right word. In a way I was proud of the way she had managed to take care of him. She was getting so independent lately and I loved how enthusiastic she was about having a new baby in our family. She had wasted no time in getting familiar with every aspect of taking care of Masen, and I guess this was just another step in the process.

On the other hand.....I didn't like to think of all the terrible things that might have happened while my seven year old daughter carried my five month old son down the stairs to warm up a bottle of breast milk from the refrigerator and feed him all on her own.

"Mommy?"

"I'm not mad," I sighed. "I just wish you would have woken me up instead of doing all of this on your own."

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I just didn't want to wake daddy up."

"I'm not mad sweetie," I reassured her. "I think it's very sweet what you did for your brother. Just go get mommy the next time. I know you can be very silent when you want too....."

"I guess," she mused. "So you're not mad?"

"No," I chuckled. "Just a little bit shocked."

"Okay."

"Do you know who is coming today?" I asked, changing the subject. I knew Renee wasn't very high up on her favorite person's list.

"Renee," she stated. She was still refusing to call her grandmother after their first meeting.

"Yes," I nodded. "How does that make you feel?" I didn't want her to be uncomfortable for even the slightest moment. If she didn't want to meet Renee I could always ask Edward to take her to the park before my mom arrived. My mom would just have to suck up her disappointment when that happened. My kid was way more important.

"It's okay, I guess," she shrugged. "She's not as scary as I thought at first."

"I'm glad you think so," I chuckled. "So you're okay with her being here for a little while until daddy takes you to the park?"

"Sure," she nodded. "As long as she doesn't yell at me."

"I promise," I assured her, though I knew very well that there was no way of knowing what would happen.

I made sure that both Libby and Masen were well taking care of before I walked back upstairs to get ready for the day. I took a shower and brushed my teeth in the master bathroom before I tiptoed back into the bedroom to get dressed.

It had taken me more time to dress that morning then it had when I picked out my outfit for the first day at college. Fidgeting in front of my closet I had realized that, even in spite of everything that happened, I still craved my moms approval. I wanted to make her see that even with two small children I wasn't giving up on realizing my potential. I wanted to proof to her that I could do both. That she had been wrong.

"Will you make a decision?" Edward groaned from the bed. "You're making me nervous."

"Shut up!" I spat back. "I've got an important decision to make!"

"It's only your mom coming to visit, not his holiness the pope."

"Like there's much of a difference in that," I muttered under my breath.

"So you're courageous enough to brave a class full of college students – Jane Volturi being one of them – but once your mother gets within a mile radius you're shaking in your boots?"

"Get back to sleep!" I huffed, grabbing a pair of comfortable dark blue jeans, a pale yellow blouse and a black cardigan. That would have to do.

"Care to join me?" he grinned.

"I thought you were tired?"

"I could never get tired of you?" He tried, throwing the blanket back and revealing his gorgeous naked self to me.

"Bloody Casanova!" I muttered under my breath, practically running out of the room. I had to get ready. My mother would arrive in a couple of hours and I still had a house to tidy up and vacuum before she got here.

**xXx**

The first part of the visit passed pleasantly enough. My mother appeared to be in good spirits and was trying very hard to please both Libby and Edward which resulted in nothing being said in the many words that were spoken in that first hour of her visit. Mostly my mother gushed over Masen and how big he had grown since she had last visited him, only days after he had been born.

It was only when Edward and Libby left that she perched up a little straighter and the anxiety left her face. It wasn't that she disliked Edward or Libby, In fact, I was pretty sure she doted on my little girl, it was just that around them she tried extra hard to be agreeable, to proof that she wasn't the wicked witch she had been the first time they met. It made her nervous and very quiet which made the conversation only more difficult.

"So how has life been treating you?" I asked, laying Masen down in his playpen. He started reaching around him for the soft toys that were scattered around the surface almost immediately, bringing them close to his face and studying – or sometimes tasting – them. I felt a surge of motherly pride at the fact that he was really starting to reach out and learn about his environment.

"Never better!" she giggled. "I never knew how in love a person could be until I met Phil. He's just so amazing and patient with me……He's even talked about getting married!"

"And how do you feel about getting married again?" I asked. My mother had had some pretty negative views on marriage before though, judging from the look on her face, I doubted if she still felt the same.

"I think I'm ready," she replied seriously. "I know my first marriage wasn't as happy as it could have been….by a long shot, but I don't think this one will go the same way."

"You don't?"

"There are a lot of things I kept from you because I didn't want you to end up hurt but your father and I would never ended up married if it wasn't for me getting pregnant," she admitted. "We had been going out for a couple of weeks before Prom and Emmett happened but, looking back on it, there was never any spark. If it weren't for met getting pregnant, Charlie wanting to do the right thing and my parents basically forcing me to accept his offer I have no doubt we would both have gone our separate ways once school was finished."

"But you still had me…." I muttered.

"Things went pretty good for the first couple of years," she explained. "We both loved Emmett and I guess we were both very busy getting our life on track. Once your dad was accepted to the police force and we had our home and income secured thing started to get worse though….."

"But you still had me," I repeated. "Why?"

"I missed having a baby in the house," she said. "And I guess that deep down inside I also thought that maybe a second pregnancy would bring us closer together again."

"It didn't," I sighed.

"No," she nodded. "It only drove us further apart."

"Then why didn't you get a divorce?" I asked.

"As I said…we didn't want you or Emmett to end up hurt," she shrugged. "We thought it best if we just stuck it out so that the two of you wouldn't end up being yoyo-ed back and forth between the two of us. Besides…divorce wasn't really something you did in a town like Forks anyway."

"I wish you had braved public approval and did it," I admitted.

"You did?"

"Yes," I nodded. "It was no secret that you and dad hated each other's guts. You may have been able to avoid each other as much as possible and hold off on fighting until Em and me were in bed but in a house with walls as thin as ours there really aren't any secrets……Em and me both knew that you were only sticking it out for us. Hell, I think even old Jimmy Magoo down the street knew."

"So you really wished we would break up?" she repeated.

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because it's not easy growing up in World War III," I sighed. "Sure, traveling back and forth between the two of you would have been hard but it's even harder to see how two people you love are ruining their lives because they are forced to live with someone they visibly loathe."

"I never thought of it that way….." she mused. "But I can see your point now. We did what we thought would be best for you but if that ended up doing more wrong than right then I'm very sorry."

"It's okay," I sighed. "I'm just glad to see you happy now, with Phil. How do you like Jacksonville?"

"It's great!" Renee replied enthusiastically. "You know I wasn't so sure about the move when Phil accepted that job in Jacksonville right?" She looked at me to see if I remembered the phone calls we had had about the subject. "Well…..after spending a little time there I never want to leave again. I love it there!"

"That's great mom!" I replied.

"You should come and visit me sometimes," she continued. "The house is big enough for all four of you. You should see it. It's straight off the beach and so light an airy and warm……"

"Maybe we will drop by for a while in the summer, when Masen's a little older," I chuckled at my mom's enthusiasm.

"But that's months away!" she pouted. "And I miss you….."

"Edward and I both have jobs mom," I laughed. "We can't just take off whenever we'd like. And anyway….I don't like the idea of taking such a small baby on a plane ride."

"I bet you don't have those hesitations when they asked you to visit _them_…In fact…didn't you mention something about flying out to Chicago fro Christmas?"

"Stop it mother!" I growled, though even I had to admit she had a point there. Thing had been strained between Carlisle and Esme and Renee ever since Esme had temporarily moved in with us during the final stages of my pregnancy to help out with everything.

"It's true, isn't it!" she huffed. "You're going out of the way to visit _them_ but you won't even consider seeing our own _mom_!"

"If this is how this is going to go then I suggest you leave this house," I spat back. "Esme went out of her way to take care of me when I had just given birth to Masen. I think a little exertion from our sides is only fair."

"As if you gave me any choice in that!" she cried.

"We weren't at a point in our relationship where I wanted you around all the time," I shrugged. I knew it was a low blow but it was the truth. "The only time we had spent a day together without it turning into an argument was at the wedding. I didn't want to add more tension to an already stressful time in my life."

"You have to know how hard it was for me to sit back and watch another woman take over," she continued. "It broke my heart."

"You should have thought of that when you broke mine," I retorted. "I'm sorry....but I have to be honest with you. Our relationship isn't what it used to be.....and it will never be the same again. You went too far that day at Yale and we have spent too much time apart since then to ever have that same familiarity as we had before."

"But you wasted no time getting all close and familiar with _his_ mother!" she spat back. "Do you have any idea of how much it hurt for me to watch how she moved in and took care of you before Masen was born? It felt like I had been replaced."

"That is because she never gave me any reason to keep my distance!" I yelled, jumping up from the sofa. "In the few months I've known her she has acted more like a real mother towards me than you have been for the last seven years. Is it really so strange that I wanted her around instead of you?"

"We never used to be like this," my mother sighed as I picked a crying Masen up from his crib.

"I know," I muttered, trying to fight back the tears. "I miss the way we used to talk."

"I do too," she sniffed. "Is there really no way we can go back to that some day?'

"I don't know mom," I admitted. "I'm trying here….but it's not easy."

She sat down next to me on the sofa, wrapping her arms around me and cradling me to her chest like she used to do when I was little. "I know baby…..I'm sorry."

**Edward Cullen**

"Look daddy!" Libby yelled from the sandbox. "We've built a castle!"

I looked up from the medical journal I had been reading to see Libby standing proudly in front of her little horde of 'subordinates'.

"It looks amazing sweetheart!" I replied.

"No you have to come here and look," she ordered. "You can't see everything from up there!"

"I'll be right there!" I chuckled. Of course it had been foolish of me to think I could pass judgment on one of her projects from afar.

I rolled up the journal and stood up from the bench. It was about time we headed back home anyway. Renee and Bella had had three hours to catch up and I was sure that if Renee would still be there when we got back Bella would be exhausted.

It wasn't easy to spend time with my mother in law, not even for those closest to her.

I knew Bella was doing her best to retrieve something of the bond they used to have but I saw her struggling at times, especially when Libby and I were around. She knew we didn't really care for Renee and – in true Bella fashion – that hurt her. She always wanted everyone to get along and the fact that those closest to her had ill feelings towards each other was difficult for her to come to terms with.

As for me I could never forgive Renee for how she had treated Bella.....how she was still treating Bella. A woman who turned her own child away in her hour of need was no mother to me and I had a hard time veiling my feelings of disgust when I was around her.

It was why I had offered to take Libby on a trip to the park when Renee came to visit. I knew that Bella could never speak freely to her mom when Libby was around and how she was always poised to defend our daughter from any more of Renee's outbursts. With both of us out of the house she might be able to finally have the conversation with her mother that both of them craved and maybe even get some of the tension out of the air.

"Look," Libby squealed, grabbing my hand and tugging me towards the medieval looking structure in the sand, "we even have a moat around it. Aaron over here," she pointed to a small blond boy standing a little while away, "got the water for it, though it's starting to dry up already."

"It looks amazing, honey," I praised, looking at the muddy ditch surrounding the outer wall of the castle.

"And Carly and I made the towers," she went on, "and it was very hard because the stupid things kept on collapsing."

"But they look pretty sturdy now," I nodded, appraising the four half collapsing blobs of sand sticking out above the rest of the structure.

"Thanks daddy," she beamed back. "We had a lot of fun building it. Didn't we guys?" She turned around to her subordinates who were nodding frantically. Somehow I had the suspicion that mingled with their genuine enthusiasm was also a very large portion of fear because as cute as Libby may have looked in her pale blue outfit – now smeared with yellow sand – and her dark brown curls she was also a born leader who didn't take no for an answer. When she didn't get what she wanted she could kick up a storm that would have grown men scared to death of her.

"How about we go see if mommy has some cookies left for us?" I suggested.

"Yay!" she squealed, skipping out of the sandbox while brushing the sand from her clothes as best as she could. "Do you think mommy will let me help bathe Masen tonight?"

"I don't know," I replied, grabbing her tiny hand in mine as we started our trek back home though the park. "But you can always ask her."

"I guess," she mused, already deep in thought again.

We had ended up at the playground in Central Park after taking a stroll along the walkway and spending some time rowing around the lake with Libby demanding to be the one in charge of the oars. After watching her row around in circles, her usually pale face red with exertion and frustration she had finally given in and let me take control again while focusing her attention on the wildlife and people in and around the lake.

When finally we had stopped at the playground she had wasted no time in befriending a couple of smaller children playing around in the sand and helping them get started on their building project. It had given me some time to read up on some of the procedures I hoped to scrub in on tomorrow. Any work I could get done now meant I could get some sleep during the quiet moments of my night shift. That was...unless things would be as crazy as they had been last night.

Working at a big hospital in a big city meant that I had seen my fair share of gang-related injuries, clubbers getting smashed up in drunken fights and – sadly – women getting violated in dark corners. Working night shifts, however, also meant that you encountered a great many lunatics. Last night had been no different.

Somewhere around three AM a guy had walked into the ER covered in dog bites and purple bruises. When the desk clerk had asked him what was the matter he had bared his teeth at the poor woman and started howling at the rest of the people in the waiting area. We had only managed to get him to calm down after a large dose of Haldol and restraining him to the bed. He had been taken up to the psych ward after I was done stitching up the wounds he claimed he had sustained in a fight with one of his 'brothers' and an update on his Tetanus-shots. Just in case….

It had definitely made my shift more interesting, though the lack of sleep was killing me.

I was still working crazy hours in order to keep myself in the race for the cardiothoracic fellowship and I had to admit that sometimes I was starting to feel regret for ever entering into this competition. I was still determined to spend as much time with my family as I could even if that meant giving up sleep and other things. I would be damned if I ever saw them suffer because of me or even notice how hard it was for me to keep my eyes open at times. I suspected that Bella knew to some extend what was going on but between her own hectic schedule and the fact that I always tried to get some rest right before I got home so that I at least looked partially okay, she hadn't mentioned her worries to me other than the things she had said this morning.

"Mommy!" Libby yelled, running into the house as soon as I had opened the door for her.

"Yes, sweetie?" I heard Bella's reply from somewhere inside. It was followed by a full account of everything we had done today, including the castle she had built.

"How nice of you to help those kids, honey," Bella praised, her eyes shining with amusement once she caught my smirk. She knew Libby like no one else. I would be very surprised if she wouldn't have suspected how it all went already.

"And then when we walked home we saw all of these people on horseback ride by," she rattled on. "You should have seen it mommy. It was so cool!"

"I bet it was," Bella replied, her eyes once again catching mine. We both knew what question would be coming next.

"Can I learn how to ride, mommy?"

"Are you sure of that?" Bella countered. "I thought you wanted to learn how to pay baseball like Phil?"

"No, I want to learn how to ride a cute little pony," she pouted. "They are so cute and they smell nice."

Bella chuckled before she gave the same answer she had given Libby just about every week since she had started her quest for a hobby. "Let's just give it a week and see if you still like it. If you still want to learn how to ride next Saturday we'll look into it."

"Not fair," Libby pouted, stomping her foot.

"Life rarely is," Bella deadpanned. "You'd better get used to that at an early age."

I sat down next to Bella on the couch as we heard Libby stomp angrily up the stairs. It was a good thing that Masen was already awake, his large eyes fixed on the direction the noise was coming from as he peeked through the bars of his playpen.

"You look tired love," I said, brushing my lips against hers for a quick kiss. "How did everything go with your mom?"

She sighed. "We had a good conversation. We were both able to talk about our feelings and about some things that happened in the past.....I think it did us good to finally have some things out in the open."

"That's good," I sighed, knowing that 'good conversation' in Bella's world meant that some hard words would have been uttered. "And your mother behaved herself?"

"She's not a petulant child Edward!" Bella giggled.

"Then why does she act like one?" I muttered under my breath.

"Edward Antony Cullen!" she scolded. "You're not talking about my mother like that!"

"I bet she has no hesitation talking about me in much the same way," I retorted. "But I'm sorry anyway. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Let's just not talk about it," she sighed, getting up from the couch to get Masen for his afternoon feeding.

I sat back on the couch and motioned for Bella to sit down in between my legs with Masen, my arms supporting her tiny frame as she fed him. She leaned back against my chest as Masen drank greedily. I was glad to be around for this, even though I was running late for the start of my shift. Having her feed Masen like this made me feel like I was a part of it, even though I lacked the body parts to be of actual use. It was such a quiet, intimate moment for us and one I really wouldn't want to have missed.

"Do you want to do the honors?" she asked when Masen had had enough.

"I'd love to," I sighed, "but I'd better be getting on my way to the hospital. My shift starts in little over half an hour."

"I forgot," she frowned. "Why didn't you remind me?"

"Because you would make me walk out of the door," I chuckled, kissing her goodbye as she held Masen against her to burp him, "And I wouldn't have missed this for the world."

"I hope you'll be able to get some sleep," she sighed, her hand caressing my cheek. "You look tired."

"I'll manage," I reassured her. "And it might just be a quiet night. It was a full moon yesterday so all the crazies have had their fix already."

"Say hello to Kate and Garrett for me," she smiled as I walked out of the door.

**xXx**

I made my way to the surgical floor with only seconds to spare and joined the rest of the residents for rounds. It turned out not much had happened during the day. Most surgeries had been executed as planned with only a few minor complications and hardly any cases from the ER being brought up. The outlook for some decent rest during my shift was good.

"Garrett and I are going down to the cafeteria to get a snack," Kate announced as soon as we had been dismissed after rounds, "care to join us?"

"Sure," I shrugged.

So far we had been able to stick to our resolve to not let the competition ruin our friendship, though I had to admit that our friendship had changed. The trust and openness that had defined our friendship had gone. We still discussed our day and our cases but we had become more guarded in what we told one another. It made me feel a little lonely sometimes.

I wondered how the whole competition was affecting Kate and Garrett's relationship. It was true that they had always had that competitive edge to them but this was different, more serious. Kate had always been the most ambitious out of the three of us. When she had started out at the hospital she was pretty much hated by every one, though Garrett and I were quick to spot the first cracks in her 'aloof unavailable ice queen'-facade.

Though he was no where near as aggressive as Kate in his ambitions for greatness, Garrett was a force to be reckoned with as well. He might come across as an unorganized goofball but under that exterior lay a very serious and dedicated surgeon. He wanted this fellowship every bit as much as Kate did and he would probably be prepared to go to great lengths to achieve his goal.

Both of them were forces to be reckoned with.

"Easy day?" I asked Garrett as we were waiting in line for the cash register.

"Ask little miss suck up over there," he grumbled, pointing at Kate. "She elbowed me out of pretty much every interesting procedure going down today."

"It's your own damn fault," Kate spat back. "You challenged me for a game, don't go crying to your friends when you loose."

"Well shame on me for thinking you might throw me a bone once you were up 10-1!" he grumbled as he paid for his food. "I didn't even see a fucking OR from the inside today!"

I was just taking the first bite of my pizza when suddenly pagers started to go off everywhere.

"Fuck,' Garrett sighed.

"There's kids around, asshole!" Kate chastised him, looking apologetically at a mother sitting at the next table with three small children.

"Garret's right though," I shrugged as all three of us got up from our seats, taking what we could carry of our meals. This could only mean one thing.

Disaster.

**Bella Cullen**

After my mother left and Edward had gone to work I was left with an almost scarily quiet house. Libby was upstairs playing with her dolls while Masen was entertaining himself in the playpen, his baby giggles permeating the silence every now and then.

We had a quiet dinner, Libby still pouting about wanting to learn how to ride a horse now, not a week from now, followed by some television before I took the kids to bed. I had just settled down in the living room with some coursework I needed to study in preparation for some of the classes coming up when I heard someone at the front door.

Alice.

I was barely able to contain my giggles when I saw her enter in some sort of oversized dress, making her tiny frame swamp in the sheer mass of fabric.

"You look like you've been abducted by Rudolph Valentino," I snorted, watching her stride in some sort of kaftan, her hair tried back with a matching shawl. "Really….just because some queer old guy calls it hip doesn't mean it suits everyone. What's next? Walking around with a sock over your head?"

"Seriously Bella," she huffed. "Do you have any regard for fashion?"

"I thought you'd given me up as a lost cause long ago?" I retorted.

"No cause if ever lost, my dear," she deadpanned, patting my arm. "And I don't speak of lost causes anyway, just of new challenges."

"Do you have any reason for being here?" I smirked. "Or did you just want to take another jibe at my sense of fashion?"

"Lack thereof," she corrected me. "And yes, I do have a reason." The way her face fell left me with nu doubt about what reason she might have had to visit me.

"I'll get the ice-cream," I sighed, "you get comfortable."

"It's not like I don't try to understand....." she sobbed after I returned with a gallon of chocolate chip ice-cream. "I do....I try all the time......it's just that I'm sick of it."

"You're sick of him?"

"No, I'm sick of trying," she cried, anger slipping into her voice. "I'm sick of always being on my best behavior, always trying not to scare him away, always trying to be cleverer and better than I really am while he hasn't done anything like that for me!"

"He loves you, Alice," I soothed her, wrapping my arms around her tiny frame. "He's just scared of all of this happening too fast. If you just give him some space....."

"What if I don't want to give him more space?" she growled. "The man has seen more space than the fucking Starship Enterprise. I'm sick of it. I. Want. Commitment."

"And he wants that too honey," I reassured her, "he's just nor ready...."

"And when will be be?"she spat back. "In a month? A year? Two? Twenty?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"He bought me a book, you know," she sighed. "A very old, very smelly book on women's fashion in the 1920's. I didn't know whether to smile at him or throw the damn thing at his head."

"He meant well," I replied, knowing it was probably the gift I had 'made' him buy. "Books mean a lot to him."

"I know," she said with a shaky laugh, "but it just made me realize how different we are......if the differences between us aren't too big.....you know?"

"I do know the two of you are different," I admitted. "But I have also seen the chemistry you have and have had from the first moment you met. You're like yin and yang.....a perfect marriage of opposites." The moment the words left my mouth I knew I shouldn't have uttered the word 'marriage' in this conversation.

"Don't I wish," she smirked, interrupted by the sound of my mobile phone ringing.

"I'd better get that," I sighed, grabbing the little device from the table seeing it was Edward who called. "Yes my angel?"

"_Bella?"_ a frantic woman's voice asked.

"Kate?" Panic started rising in my chest the moment I heard her. Something must have happened for her to call me on Edward's cell. "What is it? Is he okay?"

Alice shot me a nervous look, her eyes questioning me for information. "What is it?"

"Don't know," I whispered, wishing Kate would hurry up with her explanation.

"_He's fine as far as I know........"_ she started.

"What the hell do you mean? Is he there? Can I talk to him?"

"_He's trapped,"_ she sighed_. "He was sent to a collapsed building as part of an emergency team and....something happened and now he's trapped inside with a little girl and they don't know how to get him out without making the whole building collapse even further...." _

"God!" I cried, sagging back against the couch. "What can I do? Where is the building?"

"_There is nothing any one of us can do but pray, Bella,"_ she replied. _"If you want to come to the hospital we'd be happy to keep you updated on everything we know...." _

"I'll be there in a minute," I panted, my arms trashing around me to get everything I needed. "I hope I can drop the kids of at my brother's and then I'll be there as fast as I can. Can Alice come with me?"

Alice, who had heard everything, nodded frantically, our hands pressed together tightly.

"_Of course,"_ Kate answered._ "I'm sure it will be alright Bella. Don't worry too much." _

That was easier said than done.

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_**This space was intentionally left blank because I'm evil and I like being called a bitch. That's why I became a teacher. ;-)**_

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_**When you're done yelling at me in your review come join me at the twilighted boards and yell at me some more. I'll post a teaser of the next chapter over there as soon as I can find a good one.**_

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As always major thanks to the lovely miss C for fixing my flawed spelling and grammar.


	8. Emergency response

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. I planned on updating sooner but since the school year is three weeks from being over where I live being a teacher pretty much sucks right now. Big time. **_

_**As always much thanks to my wonderful beta xparawhorextwerdx for fixing my mistakes and putting up with my nervous drama queen behavior (I make Mrs. Bennett look calm and composed).**_

_**This chapter tells – for the largest part – the story of what happened to Edward. You can imagine it will be pretty intense at some points though I did try not to include too many gruesome details. Proceed with caution.**_

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**Emergency Response**

_**October 2009**_

_I was just taking the first bite of my pizza when suddenly pagers started to go off everywhere._

"_Fuck,' Garrett sighed._

"_There's kids around, asshole!" Kate chastised him, looking apologetically at a mother sitting at the next table with three small children._

"_Garret's right though," I shrugged as all three of us got up from our seats, taking what we could carry of our meals. This could only mean one thing._

_Disaster._

"If this is a fucking fire drill I'm going to lock House into a fucking broom closet," Kate hissed as we pushed through the crowds waiting in front of the elevators, opting to take the stairs down to the ER instead.

"As much as I'd love to see you try, you might screw up your chances for the fellowship, honey," Garrett grinned. "Though on second thought….go ahead. Do it. Use the force!"

"Asshole," Kate snickered. "If you think that's your best shot at getting the fellowship then why don't you just drop out of the race now, while you still have your balls attached to your body?"

"Not a chance, princess, not a chance," he chuckled, ruffling her hair. "And I know you'd never to anything to harm my little swimmers. You've got plans for them, remember?"

"Two words," Kate grinned back. "Sperm. Donor."

"You wouldn't…….." Garrett gasped, his hands hovering over his junk.

"Guys! For the love of all that is holy and good….would you please shut up? I'm trying to eat my fucking dinner here!' I groaned, taking another hasty bite of my pizza slice.

"What?" Kate mocked. "Is our innuendo getting a little bit too much for the green-eyed, daisy picking prodigy?"

"Fuck off," I growled, praising prosperity when we rounded a corner and saw a complete pandemonium playing out in front of us.

This was definitely not a drill.

Nurses were running around the corridors, setting up extra beds in just about every nook and cranny of the ER that could hold one. Others were setting up the treatment rooms to hold the more serious cases.

"Nurse Hathaway? Did you hear back from the blood bank yet?" I heard Doctor Carter, the head of the ER yell over the hubbub of sounds.

"They're on it Doctor Carter!" I heard a voice somewhere over my right yell back. "The extra units of O-NEG are on their way and they will get back to us with an update on their stock as soon as possible."

We rounded to the corner to the admittance desk where Carter was standing, a copy of the emergency protocol on the desk next to him. "House is just about to start briefing everyone in the lounge," he nodded at us. "An eight storey building right next to George Washington Bridge collapsed."

"Damn," Garrett muttered, as we made our way to the staff lounge.

"Looks like you'll get to see an OR from the inside after all," Kate sighed.

"Good, everybody's here," Wilson announced, winking at the three of us as he closed the door behind us. The room was packed with just about every ER-doctor the hospital employed, along with quite a number of people from the various surgical departments. Their hushed conversations about the last rumors about what happened drowned out most of the sounds coming from the ER.

"Okay, listen up you bunch of blabbering old maids!" House yelled over the crowds. "As you no doubt have heard there's been a collapse of a multi storey residential building over on Riverside Drive some minutes ago. So far dispatch is reporting at least five fatalities along with thirty or so injured, fifteen of them critical. Considering the fact that emergency services have only just started to get access to the site we can expect that number to go up drastically. Since we're the hospital closest to the scene we'll get the brunt of them."

I looked at Kate and Garrett, their faces no doubt mirroring mine. As always these cases brought out a strange mixture of emotions. As soon as you saw the victims a flood of regret and compassion for their plight would wash over you, soon to be replaced by concentration, and professional distance. I would be lying, however, if the prospect of the number of procedures and unusual cases that this sort of accident provided didn't also make me excited and eager to get started.

The first time I had found myself in a situation like this one I had felt extremely guilty about my excitement afterwards. There were people dying or getting scarred for life and all I could think about were procedures and 'learning new tricks'. It made me feel like the most inferior and selfish creature who had ever walked the face of the earth.

Time and conversations with both Doctor Wilson and Carlisle had somewhat diminished those feelings, though I doubted they would ever go away entirely. Even though the two doctors I really admired for their compassion and dedication to their patients felt that same excitement as I did, it still felt wrong to rejoice in other people's misery.

"I need all of you slackers to go back to your departments and get ready for the storm," House went on. "Find your emergency protocol, wipe the dust off of it and read it, before preparing for the worst. Any questions?"

Someone belted out a question over the murmur of people discussing the accident and the preparations that needed to be made.

"Also," House continued, after he had barked a reply to the questions asked. "A couple of you will need to head out to the scene of the crash to take care of the most urgent cases on site. Rasgotra, Greene, Pratt and Gates are on their way there. They caught a ride with an ambulance. Cullen, Yang and Grey will be flying out with the helicopter. Be sure to get your jackets and headsets from the admittance desk before you leave." With that he motioned for us to get the hell out of the room.

I made my way back to the admittance desk and grabbed all of the equipment I needed. I had been sent out to disaster sites before but never to one as big as this one was judging by the sound of it. Worried as I was about making the wrong decisions or getting lost in the chaos I knew that the moment I would step out of the helicopter the adrenaline would take over and even if it didn't, the emergency coordinators on site would get hold of me soon enough and tell me what to do.

With all of our equipment sorted out we headed up towards the helicopter deck on top of the building. I didn't need to look back and see if Yang and Grey were following me. With this year's interns being remarkably eager I was surprised they hadn't pushed me out of the way and sprinted on ahead yet.

"Cullen?" the helicopter pilot hollered over the sound of the propellers.

"Doctor Cullen, yes," I nodded. "Are we clear for take off?"

"Ready when you are, doc," he smirked, pushing his aviator sunglasses back as he strut confidently back to his chopper.

Smug asshole.

If he was expecting Yang and Grey to swoon he might be in for a disappointment though. Last thing I heard they were exclusively into doctors.

"Are we going to sit around here all day or do you actually intent to fly this old crate?" I yelled over the roaring sound of the engine and propellers as I strapped myself in.

"If you keep your mouth shut I just may," he spat back, fumbling with the controls before the helicopter swayed upwards into the air.

It took us no time to cross the small distance from the hospital to the crash site. Almost as soon as we were airborne we could see a large column of smoke rise up from somewhere near the abutment of the George Washington Bridge.

As we got closer to the site we started to see the scene of the accident, or better put: a huge gaping hole in between two apartment blocks with part of the building that used to be there still holding on for dear life. A portion of the building was still on fire, angry red flames licking the darkening sky, while the other part stood out, blackened and smoking against the fading light.

Vehicles of various emergency services were backed up to blocks away from the crash site, explaining very clearly why the hospital had decided to send its surgical team to the site by helicopter. There was no way we'd have gotten here so soon if he took a ride from an ambulance, like the ER-team had done. I hoped they had arrived before the roads got blocked or we were screwed. There was no way we could set up a field treatment tent and take care of the critically injured between the three of us, overeager interns or not.

"Holy fuck," I muttered, my words echoing through the microphone.

"Yeah, that's what I'd say," the asshole pilot nodded.

"Do you know how it happened?" I asked.

"Not a clue," he replied, shaking his head as he inched the helicopter towards the empty asphalt between the building and the place where the fire trucks and ambulances were assembled. "Last thing I heard the driver of a tank truck lost control over the wheel and veered off the bridge, right into the building."

"Fuck" I muttered, realizing that the petrol inside of the tank must have created the explosion that brought the building down. For the people inside it must have been like they had been transferred straight into hell.

Chaos absorbed us as soon as our feet touched the ground. With the noise of the helicopter dying down, the blaring sirens of dozens of ambulances and fire trucks along with the yelled commands of the emergency services and the agonized screams of some of the victims took over.

With the thick smoke of burning petrol, mangled stone and concrete and burning furniture as well as the sheer size of the crash site clouding our visions we stumbled on ahead for a few moments before we were spotted by some of the firemen.

"Doctor Cullen, CUMC surgeon," I introduced myself to the man coming at us. "Can you give me an update?"

"Captain Jack Tanner, 34th precinct," the man announced. "A tank truck collided with another large vehicle on the bridge, was launched over the edge, crashed into the building somewhere around the third or fourth storey and exploded, taking most of the building with it. So far emergency services have been able to pull about thirty people out, eight of them dead, the others badly burned. Another twenty or so got hit by the debris when the building collapsed or managed to get out of there before it happened. Their injuries vary from head wounds, burns from where burning objects fell onto them and broken bones to minor cuts and bruises. Around sixty people are still unaccounted for, though I suspect quite a portion of them will have been at work at the time of the explosion."

"Has a triage system been set up?' I inquired, scanning the flurry of activity behind the police captain for some kind of organization.

"They are just getting to it," Captain Tanner nodded. "I'm expecting an update on the casualties and their severity any minute now."

"Good," I sighed. "And what about the people inside? Are there any signs of survivors?"

"They got the worst of the fire under control a couple of minutes ago," Captain Tanner explained. "The first firemen have just entered the building to secure it and search for survivors."

"Okay," I nodded. "So where is the triage center being set up?"

"I'll take you there," Tanner said, directing us in the direction of the rash site, the smoke enveloping us as soon as we got any closer. "You'd better take these as well," he continued, in between his communication with various members of the other rescue teams. He gave all three of us a hard hat and a surgical mask before guiding us further into the chaos.

"God almighty," I heard Grey mutter behind me as we walked past the collapsed building, the sheer size of the disaster only now becoming clear to us.

It was like walking through some scene from _Apocalypse Now_. People were walking around dazed and confused with blood dripping down their head, lead to safety by the professional hands of the emergency services. Others were screaming out in agony as they were carried from the site with horrible wounds.

There was hardly anything left to indicate that once there had been an eight storey building standing tall at the exact spot that was now inhabited by a blackened heap of mangled steel and crushed brickwork. I could hardly imagine how anyone could be alive underneath that smoking pile of rubble.

The part of the building that was still standing wasn't in such a better shape. The pitch black walls with gaping black holes where once would have been buildings, sticking out against the setting sun, reminded of the fireball that must have traveled through the building when the petrol tank exploded. Anyone alive inside the building would probably be suffering from third degree burn wounds.

"If you'd like to follow me," Captain Tanner urged us, noticing how our gaping had made us fall behind. "They are taking the victims to the bridge. It's easier to get access for the ambulances from that side."

Sure enough I could see the first white plastic tents being set up in front of us, in the relative shelter the bridge provided from the falling debris. On the other end of the bridge I could see the ambulances starting to line up to take the victims to the hospital.

"Cullen!" I recognized Doctor Gates' voice as it hollered above the blaring sound of the sirens and the whooshing of the streams of water being directed at the flames that still raged inside parts of the building.

"What have you got?" I yelled back, rolling up the sleeves of my jacket.

"They've just started triaging the victims,' he announced. "So far we've got eight black tagged, fifteen red, five of which we can't move just yet, and another ten or so yellow. All of the red tags stable enough for transport are being transferred to the ER as we speak."

"What about the other five?" I asked, as I came into view.

I could see they were setting up some sort of system already. Gates was standing nearest to the crash site where a path had been cleared for the emergency services to get the victims to the ambulance area. The empty triage tags were dangling from his one hand as he barked off directions through his communication headset.

"Everyone we can't move yet is being taken to the tent," he explained, waving at the white structure behind him. "The five we're holding for now are too unstable for transportation. The others are taking care of them."

The dead were placed in body bags right in front of the tent. With our efforts focusing on getting as many people out of here alive for now, we needed all ambulances to take the patients with the red and yellow tags, those who were in need of immediate medical attention in order to survive, to the hospital. Those who had already passed away could wait, as harsh as it may have sounded.

We quickly got to work, stabilizing the critical cases before sending them out with the ambulances. The state of some of the patients made my stomach churn and I had to use every bit of control I could muster to distance myself from the things my eyes and nose registered.

Over to my left I saw Yang running out of the tent at some point only to return a few minutes later, her shaking hands clutching a bottle of water. I gave her a small smile before turning my attention back to my patient. We had all been there at some point in our career. This was about as bad as they got and it took experience or the strongest stomach in the world to not have to revisit your last meal at some point when you encountered a situation such as this one.

"Doctor Cullen!" I heard someone yell, just as I prepared another patient for transport.

"What is it?"

"Dave McCall. We've got a little girl trapped inside the building," a fireman yelled as he ran into the tent. "She's in a pretty bad shape and in need of urgent medical attention."

"Show me the way," I nodded, following behind the firemen as we entered the collision site.

"You'd better get suited up," the guy yelled, throwing the proper gear in my direction. "Things are still pretty hot and heavy in there."

"You say there's a little girl trapped inside?" I asked, as I suited up in the protective pants, jacket and boots and switched one helmet for another, the oxygen mask dangling from my shoulders for now.

"She was sleeping in a room on the third floor when the explosion happened. She's trapped underneath a huge pile of rubble but somehow managed to evade the fire. She's still got some pretty severe injuries to the lower parts of her body though….that is, for as far as we can see."

"How old is she?" I asked as we carefully stepped over the debris towards the part of the building that was still standing.

"Six years," he answered, fastening the oxygen mask as we got near to the entrance. I followed suit and stepped behind him into the thick black smoke emanating from the ground floor.

A wave of panic washed over me as I lost my bearings, the lamp on top of my helmet illuminating only darkness and angry scarred concrete. The biggest part of me wanted to run back into the light and never look back again, but both the doctor and father in me told me to suck it up and go help the injured and no doubt scared to death little girl who was waiting for me. She was more important than my childish fears.

"Why can't you get her out?" I asked as we climbed on top of a pile of debris to a hole in the floor to the first storey of the building.

"Be careful there," Dave warned, his voice sounding through the receiver in my helmet, as we crawled alongside the wall to a door on the far side of the room. "It's best to stick as close to the walls as you can. The floor is usually stronger over there."

"Thanks," I nodded, holding my breath as we progressed. The smoke wasn't as thick on this floor as it was on the ground floor and I was actually starting to discern various scalded objects in the room as we progressed.

"As I said……" he went on, "she got trapped underneath part of the building when it came down on top of her. The problem is that the rubble also supports the roof above her. If we take it out the whole building might come down on top of us."

"And you can't support the roof?" I asked as we entered a stairwell and were met with another team of firemen carrying a sealed body bag with them.

"Found anyone alive in the eastern part of the building?" Dave asked.

"They are lifting them out through the window," a woman's voice answered. "Five are in a pretty bad shape, they were in the rooms closest to the bridge, three of them probably aren't going to make it."

"And to the back?"

"I don't know," the woman continued. "We left before they were done, but I think there's a pretty good chance of survivors out there. The explosion wasn't as strong there as it was in the rest of the house."

"Thanks!" Dave sighed as we along. "Say hi to Casey for me."

"Who's Casey?" I asked as we climbed up the stairs to the second storey.

"My fiancé," he shrugged, as he used a steel pole to test the ground before he took each step. "She's one of the paramedics."

We were mostly silent for the rest of our journey through the building. As we got higher the ground was starting to get more treacherous. Whole parts of the building had been crushed together by the collapse, which meant we sometimes had to squeeze through tiny cracks in the wall to reach our destination.

"She's in the next room," Dave stated as we reached a part of the building that didn't appear to be as badly damaged as the rest. We were standing in what probably had been one of the apartments at some time, the right side of it being intact for the most part, while the left was completely mangled by the collapse."I should warn you….it's not a pretty sight."

"Got it," I sighed, bracing myself for what was awaiting me on the other side of the empty doorframe as I followed Dave into the room.

The part of the room over by the door looked as if nothing had happened to it but once I let my eyes travel to my left I saw what Dave had meant. In the far end of the room a little girl was trapped underneath a huge pile of rubble, reaching up to above ceiling level. The scattered pieces of wood and fabric supporting Dave's statement that she must have been asleep in her bed when disaster had struck.

A female paramedic was sitting next to the girl, holding her hand and whispering soothing words while she checked the IV attached to the child's arm, the beeping sounds of the heart monitor making it impossible to hear what she was saying. Over to the left of her a team of firemen was trying to support the rubble in order to get her out from underneath it, but the looks on their faces weren't giving me much hope.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, battling my emotions as I looked at the girl, her legs buried beneath the house. As a father I wanted nothing more than to run over to her, cradle her in my arms and cry for the horrible things that had happened to her. As a doctor, however, I knew I had to keep my distance. Feelings and emotions made you sloppy and I couldn't afford that right now. I had to save this little girl.

"Some of the bigger slabs of concrete are holding up the storey's above us," Dave whispered in explanation. "If not the girl would have been crushed the moment the building collapsed on top of her. The problem is….if we take out the rubble on top of her the slaps are going to shift and give way…."

"And the whole building will come down," I nodded.

"Right," he sighed as I walked out to where the little girl, steeling myself so that I could do my job.

"There's someone here to see you," the woman sitting next to her announced her eyes never wavering from the angelic little girl lying on the floor. As I got closer I noticed the girl had blond hair and large, pale blue eyes and a skin reminiscent of that of a porcelain doll, though it was caked in dust.

"Hi sweetheart," I started, tentatively sitting down next to her and brushing a few of her golden locks out of her face as I looked at her eyes to try and gauge her reaction to me. "I'm Edward. Can you tell me what your name is?"

"Amy," she replied, her voice shaking with pain and fear. "Amy McGregor."

"Nice to meet you Amy," I smiled. "I'm a doctor from the hospital and I'm here to see if we can get you out of here and make you all better. Would it be okay if I examined you?"

"It's okay, I guess," she whispered, her eyes lowering to the rubble on top of her legs and abdomen for the slightest hint of a second before moving back up. "Do you know where my mommy and daddy are?"

"I don't know," I answered, moving my equipment bag closer. "Were they in the building with you?"

"No," she replied. "They were working. Alma took me here with her. Her friend lives here and we were visiting her when I got tired and they brought me in here to take a nap…"

"Alma?" I asked, checking the contents of the banana bag that hung suspended from the rubble, its liquids dripping into the girls bloodstream at an even pace.

"My nanny," Amy whispered, keeping very still as I listened to her little heart fluttering way too slowly for a girl her age.

I looked at the woman still seated on the other side of the girl, silently asking her what happened to the nanny. Her solemn nod confirmed what I already feared. The nanny was amongst the dead.

"Can you tell me a little bit more about yourself?" I asked, quickly changing the subject as I continued to assess her state and did what I could to help. I had found that talking about other things than their injuries and the dire situation they were in helped calm them. "Do you like school for instance?"

"I love school!" she squealed with an enthusiasm that amazed me given the state of her injuries. "My mommy says that if I work hard and be a good girl I can be just like her when I grow up."

"And you want to be just like her?" I smiled, carefully feeling around the edge of the rubble to assess her injuries.

"I do," she sighed. "She's so smart and pretty…….. my teacher sometimes says I'm very smart too but Bradley who sits behind me thinks I'm a showoff….."

"He does?" I replied, gently checking her stomach to see if there was any internal bleeding which, much to my relief, didn't appear to be the case. "That's not very nice of him. Do you think you can wriggle your toes for me?"

"I don't know," she mused, wincing as she tried. "I think I can move them…..but I can't see them and it hurts…..it hurts a lot."

"It's okay honey," I soothed, brushing my thumb over her tear stained cheek. "You can stop now. So what do you like to do outside of school?"

I motioned for the paramedic to hook her up to a blood bag as well. Her vitals were still worsening by the minute, indicating blood must be oozing out of her somewhere, probably from her legs. It made me feel so helpless. I knew what her problem was and that I would probably be able to fix it, but I was powerless to do anything as long as I couldn't get to the problem.

"I love horses," she blurted out, somehow mustering a surprising amount of enthusiasm form within her suffering little frame. "My mommy gave me riding lessons for my sixth birthday and I have been going to the riding school every week since then. They are so cute and nice and I would really love to have my own horse but my mommy says we don't have space for one and I don't have enough time to have my own horse because if you do then you have to ride it every day…." She only stopped her rambling when her breath ran out, her huge blue eyes still watching my every movement as I went on with my examination.

"You know…." I replied as I continued to do my work. "I have a daughter who's a year older than you who asked me just earlier today if she could learn to ride a horse…."

"You do?" she croaked. "What is her name?"

"She's called Libby," I replied. "I think you might like her. She reminds me a little of you."

"She does?" Amy asked. "What does she look like? Does she look like me?"

"Not at all," I laughed. "She has brown curly hair and green eyes. She's about your size though and she likes pink as well." I pointed at the sweater the girl was wearing which, beneath all the dust and grime, looked like it must have been pink once.

"And she likes horses too?"

"She does," I nodded. "Maybe you can even teach her a thing or two when you get out of here…"

"That would be nice," Amy nodded, as I finished up my examination and made sure she was comfortable with the paramedic, before joining Dave and the other firefighters to discus how we were going to get her out.

"We have to get her out of here before the rest of the building collapses," Dave explained.

"You mean…." I took off my helmet, brushing my hands through my hair as I processed his words. "Impossible."

"It's our only chance," Dave pressed.

"She's lost too much blood already," I explained. "Her blood pressure is dropping fast. She's not going to survive amputation of both her legs, not to mention the risk of infection."

"We can't keep her here either," Dave retorted.

"I agree," I nodded. "She's bleeding from somewhere, probably her legs. She's got half an hour or maybe as much as an hour before she'll go into cardiac arrest."

"So what do we do?" the other guy asked.

"We get her out," I stated. "I know it's going to be hard and dangerous, but it's the only chance we have of getting her out of here alive."

"Let's see what we can do," Dave sighed, getting on the phone with his superiors to see if he could get the part of the building we were in evacuated before we set to work. As soon as they got the green light work started on taking out some of the rubble that was directly on top of the girl, while I took up my spot next to Amy again, making sure none of our work was doing any harm.

I kept Amy distracted by talking to her about movies and book while Livia – as I had learned the paramedic was called – joined her colleagues in shifting the debris, which was turning out to be a heinous task. Every few minutes the whole structure on top of Amy would tremble or rumble, causing the firemen to have to stop their work and wait for everything to calm down again before starting the whole cycle all over again.

I tried not to focus on it or on what might happen if the whole column of rock and steel would come down on top of us.

"Cullen! Get the hell out of there!" I heard Dave yell, before the rumble of the collapsing ceiling drowned out the sound of his voice.

I used my body to form a protective cage over Amy's upper body as I felt the first fragments of rock pelt my back, my whole body bracing for impact as some more heavier chucks of rock started falling on top of us, covering us in a claustrophobic darkness and increasing pain as my body protested to the crushing weight that was now resting on top of it.

So this was it. This was where it would all come to an end.

Bella had been right the other night when she had recounted her theory about how happiness always evoked a same amount of sadness.

And God did it hurt, though the physical pain caused by layer and layer of debris tumbling down on top of me was nothing compared to the emotional pain of my own breaking heart when I though of how I would never see Bella, Libby and Masen again.

There was a huge crash somewhere above us before I felt a sharp pain penetrating my shoulder and black nothingness surrounded me.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

Don't worry too much.

It's going to work to work out fine. He will be fine.

Keep breathing.

Watch the road.

He will make it out of there.

Those words kept repeating over and over in my head as I sped across town to Emmett and Rose's with Alice, on the phone with Carlisle and Esme, next to me and Libby and Masen, still completely unaware of what had happened strapped into their car seats in the back, both appearing to be half asleep though with Libby you never knew what she had picked up about the situation already.

"Esme wants to talk to you," Alice announced before holding the phone to my ear.

"_Bella?"_ I heard Esme say.

"Esme," I whimpered, barely containing my tears. "Did Alice tell you….."

"_Yes she did, honey,"_ Esme sighed. _"Are you alright?" _

"I'm fine," I whispered, trying not to alert Libby. "Just very worried."

"_I'm sure it's going to be alright," _Esme's soothing voice spoke. _"Carlisle and I are going to be on the first plane flying out to New York. We'll be there in the morning. I'm sure everything will have turned out fine by then." _

"Thanks Esme," I sobbed, knowing full well that the outcome was much more uncertain than everyone would have me believe. What if Edward didn't make it out of that building? What if…….

"_Bella?"_ Esme's voice pulled me out of my thoughts_. "Take care, sweetheart. Hope for the best and try not to think of the worst too much. He will make it out of there alive. I just know it." _

"I'll try," I sighed, knowing that was easier said than done. "I'll leave you a message as soon as there is any news."

Everything passed in a blur as soon as we reached Rose and Emmett's apartment. Rose wasted no time in getting the kids out of the car, chasing me out of the driver's seat to make room for Emmett's bulky frame and waving away any objections I might have to depriving her of her husband for the night.

"God Bella, you need him more than I do!" she snickered.

"But we've got Jasper," I argued. "He's on his way to the hospital right now." Alice had called him as soon as I got off the phone with Kate and if everything went according to plan he would arrive ahead of us.

"Yeah and he'll have his work cut out calming Alice down," Rose retorted. "Believe me…..you're going to be happy I send him along in about an hour."

"Hey!" Emmett whined. "I'm standing right here!"

"Shut up and drive the damn car," Rose huffed before leaning in to place a sloppy kiss on his cheek as she slammed my door shut. "Love ya babes. Now go take care of your sister."

There wasn't any news when we arrived at the hospital. We managed to make our way through the pandemonium existing of doctors and nurses fluttering around the place, patients scattered all over every flat surface and phones ringing constantly, to the surgical floor where we sat in chairs waiting for news. According to Kate, who dropped by in between surgeries, they were still trying to dig out both Edward and the patient he was with when the building collapsed.

"Jazz!" Alice cried as she spotted the tall frame of her boyfriend emerging from the elevator. She was in his arms in les than a moment, his arms wrapping around her and cradling her to his chest in a movement that was tender and almost too intimate to watch.

I looked away, pushing away the tears that formed at the thought that I might never get to be comforted by the man I loved ever again.

"Bella," Emmett sighed, his hand pressing gently on my shoulder as he watched me battle my emotions. "It's okay to be scared right now."

"No," I half growled. "I have to be strong. I can't give in to my fear. I can't give up on him. I….."

"I know you're strong squirt," he soothed, stroking my back. "Hell, in some aspects you're ever stronger than me. But it's not wrong to need a little help sometimes. Even _you_ can't be strong all the time…."

"But I have to be Em," I replied. "I need to keep my calm or I'm afraid I'll go mad."

"Okay," he sighed defeated. "But you know where I'll be when you need me."

"Right behind me?" I said, managing a faint smile as I remembered how he used to say that same thing to me when we were young and the girls at Forks High were picking on me.

"Bet ya damn straight I will be!" he growled. "Ready to kick ass at a moment's notice."

"Thanks brother bear," I sniffed.

"That's what I'm here for, sis," he chuckled, ruffling my hair as he pulled me beside him, my head resting on his shoulder.

All we could do was wait and watch as one patient after another came out of the elevator on their way to an operating room. I was glad our children weren't here because the state some of then were in would scare even Libby out of her love for gory details.

"Do you want me to get you some coffee Bells?" Jasper asked. 'I'm taking Alice out for a little while. I think a breath of fresh air will do her good."

"I could do with some caffeine," I sighed, dragging my hand though my hair.

"You could always come with us," he offered. "You look like you could do with a breather as well."

"I don't want to leave," I said. "What if there's news?"

"I know," Jasper smiled, "but there's no harm in trying."

"Thanks," I muttered, trying very hard to keep my mind from thinking about what could happen.

I stood up from the seats, taking a turn around the room as I tried desperately to remember Esme's advice and focus on the good thoughts, though the bad inevitably sneaked up on me when I least suspected it.

"Get some rest Bells," Emmett ordered after another half hour or so. "You're wearing me out with all of your fidgeting. Here," he opened his arms for me, "come give your big brother a hug. He sure as hell could use one."

"Thanks Em," I sobbed, letting my brother comfort me. "I'm glad you're here."

"Who else would be able to keep you from thinking up all sorts of doom scenarios about my favorite brother in law?" he grinned, gently patting my back.

"It's just…..I can't lose him, Em," I sobbed, feeling the traitor tears roll down my cheeks as I hid my face in my brother's chest. "I can't."

"I know, sweetie," he cooed. "But I also know that man of yours and he's every bit as stubborn as you are. I know he'll fight like a lion to get back to you and the little ones."

"I know," I cried, my body suddenly feeling like it was made of lead.

"Rest," Emmett ordered, covering my body with his coat. "Or at least humor me and close your eyes and pretend. I'll wake you up as soon as there's news."

I knew I would never be able to sleep, not with Edward out there somewhere trapped in a building in God knows what kind of state, but I did as my brother ordered and closed my eyes, trying to close myself off from the world around me and connect to him, wherever he may be.

_Come back to me……_

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"Edward?" Amy's voice sounded miles away but as clear as day as I slowly felt myself awaken.

"Edward," another voice sounded in my ear. "Edward, are you okay man? Please come in….."

Dave.

But then….that meant…..I wasn't dead?

"Edward?" Amy nudged me as she continued to call out my name. "Wake up."

"Amy? Are you alright?" I asked, a huge wave of relief crashing over me with the realization that I had made it through the collapse of part of the building alive. "How are you doing angel? How is the pain?"

"It's not so bad," she whispered, her straining voice letting me know she was lying. "I'm scared….."

"I know sweetheart," I sighed. I wasn't feeling too confident about the outcome myself either. Sure, we had made it through the cave-in but who knew what was going to happen next? Would they be able to get us out before the next part of the building came crashing down on top of us? Would we still survive it if they didn't?

"Is that you Edward?" Dave asked. The communication system in my helmet had obviously survived the crash.

"We're fine, Dave," I answered. "Can you get us out of here?"

"We're on it buddy," Dave replied. "Damn am I happy to hear your voice! We thought you were a goner there for a minute…"

"I now know why I ruled out becoming a fireman when I grew up," I chuckled, trying to ignore the pain in my shoulder as I tried to move around to assess the damage the collapse had done to Amy's already suffering body.

As soon as I moved the whole pile of rubble on top of us started to shift, dust particles dropping down on us like a waterfall.

"Stop whatever you were doing just now," Dave ordered. "Stay just as you were."

"Got it," I coughed, the movement creating another minor shift in the debris.

"You saved my life….." Amy muttered as we both remained as still as possible while we heard people starting to move the debris out from on top of us somewhere in the distance.

"I couldn't just let you die, silly," I said, trying to lighten up the situation a little. "You promised to teach my daughter how to ride a horse. I couldn't just let you bail out on me like that…"

"You're silly," she giggled.

"You might be right," I chuckled before getting serious again. "Can you tell me how you're feeling right now? And please….don't leave anything out." I hoped she would tell me the truth because with my eyes and hands incapacitated by the rubble I had nothing but her words to go on to assess the damage done by the new collapse.

"I'm tired," she yawned, her voice sounding awfully thin.

"I know sweetheart,' I said, trying to keep my voice as calm as I could when inwardly I was panicking. "But you can't go to sleep just yet. Do you think you can stay awake for me?"

"I don't know," she said, her voice sounding more and more droopy and distant. "I'm really……" Her voice stopped, making my worst fears a reality. Her body was giving up.

"Stay with me, Amy," I growled, nudging her as hard as I could without causing another cave-in. The sounds of the recue crew were getting closer every second. If only I could get Amy to hang in there for another couple of minutes she could make it out of here alive. "Tell me……tell me about your favorite horse from the riding school."

"Her….her name is Pebbles," Amy's voice stammered. I could hear she was fighting sleep now and that gave me some comfort. At least she was hanging the there for now….."She's nice but she can also be a little naughty at times….when she doesn't want to do the things the instructor says………….."

"Amy?" I nudged her again. "What does Pebbles look like?"

"She's got black hair……kind of like a dogs but softer and much less smelly………..and dark brown manes…….."

"And what else honey," I pressed, feeling a shift in the rubble on top of us as the rescue team reached us. "Tell me more about her….."

"She's…….she's got really nice brown eyes….." Amy slurred as she drifted off.

I felt hands shift the last pieces of rock out from on top of me about the same time, hands grabbing hold of me and carefully dragging me away.

"Take care of Amy first," I growled, feeling my body slip out of consciousness as the pain – hitherto blocked out by the adrenaline – started to crush me. "We're loosing her….."

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"They got him out," Kate yelled, running into the waiting room where I was still sitting with Emmett, Alice and Jasper. "He's on his way to the ER as we speak!"

"Is he okay?' I whispered, running towards her.

"He's going to be fine Bella," she reassured me as she took my hands in hers, her eyes shining with happiness and relief. "He injured his shoulder and leg but I'm sure he'll be good as new. Do you want Garrett to take you down to the ER with him? I've got to scrub in to my next surgery in five minutes or I would have taken you myself…."

"That's fine," I sighed, releasing the breath I had been holding. I could hear Alice sobbing behind me and from my peripheral vision I could see how she launched herself into Jaspers waiting arms,. Their trouble momentarily forgotten.

He was going to be fine.

We were going to be fine.

"See?" Emmett chuckled, enveloping me in one of his bear hugs. "I told you he was going to be fine."

"You had no way of knowing that….." I muttered, drawing some strength from my brother's hold. "I don't know what I would have done if…."

"Don't think about that now, sis," he interrupted me. "He made it out of there. Just be happy."

"Are you ready to go down to the pit, Bella?" I heard Garrett say behind me. "We're expecting Superman to arrive any minute now."

"Superman?" I asked, disentangling myself from my brother's grasp.

"Didn't Kate tell you?" Garrett chuckled. "He saved a little girl's life! I heard it's all over the news….The paparazzi are lining round the block to get a picture of him and the little girl he saved."

"Sounds like Edward," Emmett chuckled. "So I guess I'd better go dig up those pictures I took of him wearing lipstick and eyeliner on his stag night. I might never get as good a price for them as right now…."

"Shut up you idiot!" I hissed as I followed Garrett out of the waiting room. "Why don't you go do something useful like call your wife?"

The next couple of hours passed in a blur. Garrett hadn't been joking when he told us that the press had jumped on the story so the moment the ambulances carrying Edward and the little girl arrived at the hospital they were surrounded by photographers and camera crews. Some of them even tried to get inside, posing as grieving family members or even hospital staff.

I managed to catch a glimpse of my husband as they wheeled him into the ER. He was still unconscious and his usually pale face looked even more wan than normal. It was a good thing both Kate and Garrett had assured me of the fact that he was going to be alright or I didn't know what I would have done that moment.

The only time Garrett left my side was when he went into the Exam Room to get and update on Edward's situation. He reassured me of the fact that – apart from a dislocated shoulder, a broken leg and several broken ribs and some minor cuts and bruises – Edward was doing fine. His situation had never even been critical, in spite of the fact that he had lost consciousness.

I grasped his hand for a brief moment as they took him up to radiology for a head CT which – as Garrett assured me – was just to be on the safe side. Even though he had been conscious and responsive after the building collapsed on top of him they wanted to rule out any brain damage since the helmet he had been wearing was badly crushed. He was still unconscious when I saw him out though I had been told that was nothing to worry about. It was just his body's way of dealing with the injuries it had sustained.

When they were done with the scan they would be taking him up to Ortho to get his legs fixed and after that I would hopefully get to see more than a glimpse of him. For now, however, I would just have to satisfy myself with the though that he had come back to me. Alive.

The girl, however, was another story entirely.

According to Garrett she would have been dead hours ago if it wasn't for Edward shielding her when part of the building collapsed on top of them. Her heart had stopped when she was on her way to the hospital but fortunately they had managed to bring her back and get her into the ER alive where a whole team of doctors was doing their best to make her pull through. Judging by the sounds coming from the room though, that was easier said than done….

"Go in," I ordered Garrett, who was pacing around in front of the room. "You know you want to."

"Kate would kill me if I left you here," he said, shooting a longing glance in the direction of the exam room.

"They'll be taking him up to Ortho soon anyway and I doubt even you can sneak me in there," I chuckled. "Besides….if Kate ever finds out you can always say I made you."

"If you put it like that…." He mused, before winking at me and disappearing behind the shuttered door of the exam room.

Another couple of hours found me sitting next to a cleaned up Edward, sleeping peacefully between the crisp white sheets of the hospital bed, one of his legs lying above the sheets with a bulky white cast covering his skin. I sat there, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest with each breath he took, for a long time, each breath he took reassuring me once again that he was really here and alive.

Emmett had gone back to Rose and the kids as soon as he had seen Edward with his own eyes. They would be taking Libby and Masen in to see their father first thing tomorrow morning, which, as I realized with a shock, would only be in a couple of hours.

Alice had long since fallen asleep in Jasper's arms, her tiny body exhausted by the stress of everything that happened today. I was relieved to see that this whole terrible experience had brought them closer together again. They really did make a perfect couple, even in spite of the fact that they differed like night and day. I hoped that tonight would set the tone for them and that they soon realized how much they needed each other.

"Bella?" Edward's voice croaked as he tried to open his eyes.

"Edward! You're awake," I smiled, running my hands along his face, careful not to hurt him. "I've been so worried……"

"How is Amy doing?" he slurred, trying to move but wincing as his body protested. "Is she going to be alright?"

"It was a very narrow escape," I explained. "But they think she's going to pull through. They even managed to save her legs."

"Good," he muttered, visibly battling to keep his eyes open. "Good."

"Go back to sleep, my love," I chuckled. "Give your body some rest….God knows you need it."

"Only if you join me," he yawned, holding the sheet open for me while trying to hide his discomfort as he scooted to the side to make room for me. "You look like death warmed up."

"Thanks!" I smirked. "Not that you look so fresh and fruity yourself, mister!"

"At least I did manage to get some sleep," he countered, wrapping his good arm around me as I snuggled into his side, letting his scent surround me and chase away any lingering fear.

"What was it that had you sleeping so deep that not even Alice could wake you up anyway?" I asked, craning my neck to look up to him.

"You," he smiled back, placing a lingering kiss on my lips. "I was dreaming about the night we made Libby."

"Oh," I blushed, hiding my face in his chest.

"It's one of the happiest memories I have…." He mused, as he drifted back into sleep. "If only you knew just how much you saved me that night…."

When I looked back up again I saw that he had fallen back into sleep. His face completely relaxed and perfect as he muttered something I couldn't hear.

I didn't think I had ever felt so happy in my entire life.

For hours today I had lived in fear – blinding, debilitating fear – of losing him. The thought that he wouldn't be there to see his children grow up and take their first steps into adulthood had been enough to turn me into a complete wreck.

Tonight had been a night of extremes. I don't think I had ever been as scared as I had been earlier tonight ever in my life nor did I think I had been as relieved when Kate told me Edward was going to be fine.

Tonight I realized just how much I needed him, how dependant my happiness had become of him.

I needed him, more than I needed air to breathe.

* * *

_**Whew. This chapter had me feeling just like I did most of the time when I wrote Carlisle's Angels: like I had no idea of what the hell it was that I was doing but just following the flow and the logic my freaky brain could come up with. I hope I managed to at least make all of this appear remotely plausible.**_

_**The next chapter will be a whole lot more fun. It's a chapter I've been dying to write ever since I started writing My Mistakes back in August 2008. Wanna hazard a guess about what it's about? I'll post a teaser for it at the twilighted boards sometime tomorrow. You can also find a picture of the horse mentioned in this chapter (Pebbles) since she really exists.**_

_**For now, please let me know how I did on this one. **_


	9. Butterflies & Hurricanes

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Thank you everyone who reviewed the last chapter. All of your kind words make me drag my lazy ass to the computer to write after a tough day of work. I'm glad you liked the last chapter, even though I almost killed Edward. I'm posting this chapter a day early because I will be away on Monday and Tuesday.**_

_**This new chapter is another flashback, this time to a part of the past that has been relayed in My Mistakes Were Made for You in Bella's P.O.V. (chapters 3, 6 &7). We never got to see Spring Break from Edward's POV though....**_

_**As always much thanks to my wonderful beta xparawhorextwerdx for fixing my mistakes **_

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**Butterflies and Hurricanes**

_**April 2002**_

What was I doing here? It was the same question – though the words and expletives added to it changed with my mood – I had been asking myself over and over again ever since I had gotten off the plane yesterday.

This was madness.

No, even worse, it was character assassination. I had known it the moment I had let James talk me into that stupid bet. I should have known that after my two years of relative sobriety I had no business entering into a drinking game. Hell, I had no business being at the house in the first place! This was all just another product of my stupid pride.

James knew me too well. He knew just what buttons to push to get me to drive out to his place on a Friday night and engage in a stupid bet, only to have my ass beaten in a ridiculously short amount of time. He had planned it all along and, stupid and selfish as I was, I had fallen right into his hands.

Yet again.

So now I found myself once again in a crowded club, fending off the advances of women with too much makeup on their faces and too little clothes on their bodies, wondering what I ever saw in a life like this. How could I have allowed myself to fall into James' hands? How could I have felt good about using women as disposable items? How could I have followed only my own base and fleeting need of instant gratification?

I had been nothing short of a monster, I still was. I could feel the beast roaring inside of me, begging to be let loose, hoping my self control would slip for even the slightest hint of a second. I could feel how close I was to slipping when my eyes roamed through the crowds, assessing, grading, predicting…

It was disgusting.

_I _was disgusting.

It made me want to get out of here soon before I made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew that if I lapsed back into the person I was two years ago, no words of Esme would be able to get me back. I had tasted the heroin and it had been sweeter than even my wildest dreams could have imagined. Esme had been my only change to get away from my addiction, though I had to admit my life had been pretty bleak ever since.

It was a punishment I endured patiently and even with a small amount of masochistic satisfaction. I had proven that I was better than the womanizing asshole I had been and that maybe, if I managed to redeem myself, fate would reward me with that which I craved most.

Love.

Pure, unadulterated and untainted love.

I longed for it; I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. But I knew deep down inside that I wasn't ready for it. That my soul was still far too blackened by the disgusting things I had done in my past to be submitted to it. If love would come on my path right now I would only sully it, devalue it, until in the end it was nothing more that the coarse, beastly acts of 'love' I had known until now.

Even though I knew that I shouldn't, I still wanted to find a girl for a mindless fuck, but thinking of Esme made me try to forget.

It was then that I saw her.

She was here with a couple of friends, two of which looking like they belonged right here, the third looking as awkward and out of place and the brown-haired angel I couldn't keep my eyes off. She was different, but in a good way. In a way that captured me whole and had my eyes glued to her small, delicate frame the moment she first stumbled into my vision.

The strangest thing was that she was a complete enigma to me. Over the years I had learned to read women like a fucking map. I knew just what buttons to push, how to smile and how to speak to get them on their backs and begging for me to fuck them. I could judge their state of arousal just by the way they walked, their level of promiscuity by the way they talked…I knew more than I liked to and hated myself for it.

This woman was different, though. She wasn't the kind of girl I had practiced my skills on before. Not the kind of girl who frequented places like these, my usual hunting grounds. She was pure, as good as unspoiled. She wouldn't be lured into an easy fuck by the likes of me, or – better said – the old me.

She was like nothing I had seen in a long time and had me drawn to her from the moment I laid eyes on her. But instead of giving me answers, her whole demeanor only caused my mind to think of more questions.

What had made her come here in the first place? Why did she stay when she looked like she was having a horrible time?

I had watched as some drunken loser tried to chat her up at the bar. For a moment I had been tempted to jump in and claim her as mine as I watched the idiot move in closer, his hands itching to grab her. Fortunately the girl seemed to be perfectly able to defend herself and had left the idiot tumbling from his barstool when he leaned in too close. She had just smiled and rejoined her friend at their table after that, both of them looking equal parts amused and disgusted.

"Eddie!" James hollered over the thumping basses. "What are you standing there sulking? Come join the fun!"

"It's Edward," I hissed. "And I'm perfectly fine over here."

"Come on, you're suffering from serious pussy withdrawal. It's making you act like Ebenezer fucking Scrooge on a bad day."

"Fuck off James," I growled. "Go find your own damn pussy. I'm not interested." It had been like this ever since we had left Hanover. Somehow, going on this trip had convinced James that deep down inside the old Edward was still dying to come out and play and that the right kind of drugs, booze, or busty slut would be perfect to tip me over the edge.

He was wrong.

It wasn't easy to be out here, the temptation of relapsing and going for the easy way out was almost too great at some times, but the fact that I held strong, even in spite of the easy sex and fuckloads of drink and drugs out for grabs, gave me no small amount of satisfaction.

It was stronger than my base needs. Selfish, fun loving Eddie was dead. With Esme's help I had killed him and carried him to his grave two years ago. I didn't need him any more. I had new goals in life, a very desirable price to be had if I managed to stay the course and not let James or what he had to offer me tempt me.

"Suit yourself," James shrugged, taking a few steps back. "But I know my Eddie is just dying to come out and play. Relax man. You're in Florida for Spring Break. Have some fun. Find some chick. Get laid. There's plenty of time to be the serious, stuck up golden boy afterwards."

"Get lost, James," I growled, pushing him away from me. "I'm serious."

"It's your funeral," he shrugged, the amusement in his eyes making it clear he knew exactly what was going on beneath the surface and had no doubt that in the end he would get me to fall back into my old behavior.

When I turned my attention back to the booth the girls had been sitting in I found it empty, much to my horror.

Where had she gone? Had some guy managed to…

Why was I even thinking about this girl?

The thought that some guy, someone like the guy I had been a few years ago, would get his filthy paws on that angel made my blood boil. I felt strangely protective of this innocent, beautiful mystery woman and almost called upon to defend her against the evil of this place.

I had just started making rounds, trying to spot her amongst the throng of people gyrating against each other, when a loud crack made my head turn up the stairs to see where the sound was coming from.

Just in time I saw my angel tumbling down the stairs, banging her head against the railing as she went. Moving quickly I managed to scoop her up before she managed to hurt herself further and cradled her to my chest as her beautiful brown eyes gazed unsteadily into mine.

I immediately snapped into 'doctor' mode, checking her over to see if she had come to any serious harm. Fortunately for her everything seemed fine, though I would have to do a quick check up to see if she showed any signs of concussion.

"Bella!" I heard a loud, raspy voice behind me shriek. "Oh my God! Bella! Baby, are you alright?"

"Urgh," the angel groaned, her hand moving towards her head no doubt in search for the spot that had hit the railing.

I realized that I was still holding her in my arms, a level of closeness the angel might not appreciate when she fully regained consciousness. Especially not when she found out what kind of monster had been holding her. "You're going to be fine," I assured her, finding a relatively clean spot on the floor and setting her down gently on it. "Keep as still as you can until the world stops spinning."

"Bella! Oh my God, people! Let me through. That's my best friend lying half dead on the floor over there!" the annoying raspy voice continued to yell, coming closer as she pushed her way through the crowd of bystanders. "Fuck, Bella! Don't die on me!"

She was clearly drunk, a fact that was proven even further when she swayed into eyesight, dragging some poor – and equally drunk – loser behind her like a dog on a leash. Where was the other girl? The responsible looking one I had seen her with before? She didn't strike me as the kind of person who would just abandon their friend in a time of need.

"I'm fine, Jess, really," the angel groaned, rubbing her head as she tried to find her bearings.

"Are you sure?" the girl called Jess slurred.

"Perfectly fine, Jess," the angel replied, not even looking at her friend. "Go back to what's his name."

I expected that Jess girl to vehemently refuse and chase her conquest away to take care of her friend. I expected her to at least stay and make sure the angel was alright and wouldn't fall prey to some bastard who would take advantage of her disoriented state and fuck her in some back alley. I didn't expect her to just shrug and walk away with loser boy.

As I watched her stumble away part of me wanted to go after her and strangle the bitch for leaving her friend sitting confused and disoriented on the floor of a crowded club. The other side, however, couldn't leave my angel's side. I had to take care of her. I had to protect her. I had to be near her.

What? I had to be near her? And when did she become 'my' angel anyway?

This was all starting to get much more confusing and much more dangerous than I could ever have imagined. Could I stay and talk to her without having my monstrous side take over and ruin this perfect creature? Could I allow herself to taint her soul by being with me?

As I tried to frantically find an answer to the questions that were plaguing my mind I looked down to see the angel – Bella – staring up at me, her beautiful brown eyes focusing on mine as she mumbled something about Mr. Darcy.

"Are you alright?" I asked, as I studied her pupils to see if there were any signs of her brain being concussed.

"I think so," she replied pensively. "My head hurts a little but I don't think I'm bleeding or concussed."

She sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Was she a medical student as well or did she just fall down a lot? "I gather you have experience with this sort of thing?" I asked, not quite able to stop a smile from breaking though.

"More than you can imagine," she sighed, looking rather dejected.

Right then I remembered my manners. Here I was, taking to a woman and asking her personal questions without even introducing myself. Yet another sign of the old me that I was eager to shake. At least this one was easily remedied. "I'm Edward, by the way. Edward Cullen."

A strange sensation shot through me as she took my outstretched hand. It was like a flash of light, shooting through the darkness, illuminating everything on its way. From the moment we touched it was as if every one of my senses was heightened, and all of them were calling out for this strange girl. It was nothing I had ever felt before. Not lust or greediness or any of those other despicable feelings, but longing.

"Bella Swan," she replied, her face turned away from me to hide her blush. Was she nervous around me? Why? Was it because she felt that I was bad news and couldn't wait to get away from me? Was it the fear of the innocent little lamb who had wandered into the awaiting arm of the hungry lion?

I knew I should let her be and walk away but somehow I couldn't. Every fiber of my being was protesting against the decision my mind had made to distance myself from her. Making up my mind to just sit here and talk to her for a little while longer – just to make sure she really was okay – I held on to her hand and carefully helped her back on her own two feet before escorting her into the lounge area of the club, chasing away a couple making out like it was the end of the earth to secure a seat for her.

Then the silence began.

I knew I had to say something. I couldn't just sit here like some kind of perverted stalker and gawk at her – though deep down inside that was just what I wanted to do – but I couldn't think of anything interesting or funny to say to her. I had my usual arsenal of opening lines but somehow none of them seemed appropriate. All of them were too base, too coarse or too common to be used on an angel such as her.

"So, what were you saying about Mr. Darcy earlier?" I finally asked, settling on something she had mentioned earlier seemed safe enough.

Her blush reappeared with a fiery vengeance, making me regret asking her the moment I had blurted out the words. "Uhm….nothing. Just something I thought about….Jane Austen fan," she muttered, her hand reaching out to grab something but pausing midair.

Studying her face and the direction her hand was moving in I tried to find out what it was that she wanted, my heart leaping at the thought that maybe, just maybe, she wanted to touch me. When I looked back at her I noticed her blush had deepened and she looked almost painfully uncomfortable to the point of almost fainting. The fall must have had a worse effect on her than I thought.

"Come," I said, wrapping my arms around her small frame and lifting her out of her seat. "Let's get some fresh air." I marched out of the crowded club with her in my arms, all thoughts lost in a haze of strawberry, something floral and Bella. Even her name sang to me.

'_What the hell you dumb fuck!'_ my subconscious yelled at me as I pushed through the crowd. _'Whatever happened to keeping your distance? You never even asked her if she wanted to come with you, you monster! How are you ever going to keep your hands off those perfect tits when it's just you and her? You've come a long way, but not that far!'_

As I sat down with her, my arms never relinquishing their hold, I saw her face slowly fade back to its usual pale, alabaster state, her large brown eyes still looking up at me with a trust and confidence I didn't deserve.

"I should get back to Jess before she makes a fool out of herself with that guy she met," she sighed after a few moments had passed.

"Why?" I knew I was probably sounding like a whiny child who had just been told he had to go to bed, but the thought of sitting here and watching her walk away from me made my whole body revolt against better judgment.

'_See?' _the annoying voice in the back of my head huffed, '_she doesn't even want to be here.'_

"I'm just afraid she's going to run off and marry the guy," she growled, her whole face scrunching up in disgust at the mere mention of matrimony.

"I think she's perfectly able to take care of herself," I chuckled, not wanting to have her leave me to go in search of a drunken slut who didn't give a crap about her friend's wellbeing. "And I take it you're not a great fan of matrimony?"

"Not really," she laughed, her face doing that scrunching thing again as she thought about her reply. "My mom and dad have been married for twenty-five years now, at least twenty of which they've spent hating each other's guts. I guess that kind of put me off the whole marriage thing." She shrugged and bit her lip, trying to gauge my reaction to her words. "Plus….I don't really like being the center of attention and that's what the whole wedding thing is about, isn't it? Spending half a day getting dressed up so a whole bunch of freeloaders can stare at you whilst getting drunk on your expenses."

I had never thought of it like that. Carlisle and Esme had always had a very loving and stable relationship, leading me to want that same thing for myself one day. I had never, not even during the darkest of my days, thought of marriage as something bad. "I guess when you look at it like that, weddings do seem kind of pointless," I chuckled. "I've always thought of them as the fulfillment of the love two people have for one another. But I guess that's easy for me since my parents still love each other just as much – if not more – as they did on their wedding day."

"It's hard to argue with you when you put it like that," she sighed, snuggling into my chest.

I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. There was nothing familiar about this girl. She was so completely different in her thoughts, looks and the way she acted, than any other woman I had encountered that I found myself both completely entranced and fascinated by her. For the first time in my life I wanted to know a woman not just to fuck her, but also to talk to her, to share my feelings with her, to even just be with her.

It was so confusing and frightening at the same time.

"So I take it you're not completely against marriage after all?" I smiled.

"Perhaps a small Vegas ceremony performed by some terrible Elvis impersonator would be just about bearable," she smirked, making me break out in guffaws of laughter.

"Thanks for making fun of my perfect wedding," she chuckled, her tiny fist pounding against my shoulder.

"You weren't serious, were you?" I hiccupped.

"I might have been,' she mused, the expression on her face making me wonder how much truth there really had been in her statement.

"Come on Bella!" I yelled. "How could any Jane Austen fan possibly let herself be married by Elvis? Where's the romance in that!" I was this close to telling her, to sharing with her all the secrets and fantasies I had spend so many afternoons in my meadow thinking up. What was it about this girl that allowed her to get so close to me? Closer even than Alice and Esme had ever been allowed to get?

"Tell me," she spoke softly. "What is your idea of the perfect wedding?"

It was like she had read my thoughts, seen what turmoil she had created underneath the surface, and pushed all what remained of my boundaries aside with one powerful blow. "I'd tell you," I replied, my voice barely registering above a whisper. "But you'd have to close your eyes." Part of me was fooling itself by saying that I wanted her to keep her eyes shut so that she could see everything in front of her; the other part wasn't fooled though. I didn't want her to look in my eyes as I described my meadow to her because I was afraid of what she'd see in them. Afraid that what she saw would chase her away the moment she registered it.

"What?" she looked completely puzzled as her big eyes bored into mine.

"You have to see it to fully appreciate it," I whispered, leaning close to her. I knew what I was doing and I hated myself for it, but I had to keep something – some little shard – of my walls in place of I was going to keep my sanity. "Trust me…"

"Kay," she whispered, closing her eyes and – unwittingly – leaning closer to me, her full, pouty lips hovering dangerously close to mine.

"Imagine a meadow…," I said, my eyes fixed on her lips as I talked and explained to her the image I had always had of that day, this time the face of the bride becoming visible to me for the first time.

"Wow," she breathed when I finished my description, her lips parting slightly as she sat there with her eyes closed, shredding what remained of my self control. Before I had realized my body had kicked into action and before I could stop myself my lips had found hers in the most perfect sensation I had ever felt. Even when I realized what it was that I had been doing – the very thing I had promised myself not to do – I couldn't stop. I might go to hell for it but I couldn't pull away from her, not even if I had to burn for all eternity.

Once again it was as if she could read my mind because the moment I hesitated, my lips hovering over hers, she moved closer and closed the gap, claiming me with a passion and certainly that crashed everything that still remained in ways of boundaries or walls. She gave, I took. I took, she gave. I wanted.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry," I breathed, breaking our connection. What the fuck had I been thinking, tainting this angel with my poisonous ways? She would have been in her right to slap me or call the police. She had put her trust in me and here I went and took advantage of her when she had just almost passed out in a crowded club.

Monster.

"Why?" she asked, biting her lip. Her face torn between fear and….pain?

"I asked you to trust me and I took advantage of you by kissing you," I explained, hanging my head in shame. I couldn't look at her eyes when she realized what a total disgusting pig I was. "I'm sorry."

"Technically, I started the kiss so you have nothing to worry about," she chuckled, placing her hand on my chest, right over my heart. "In fact…..you could take advantage of me any time you'd like. I don't mind."

She didn't have to ask me twice. Without thinking about it for even the slightest hint of a second I crushed my lips to hers, holding her body closer to mine as I allowed more of my true feelings to speak in the kiss. She reciprocated almost immediately, her hands fisting in my hair, pulling me closer to hers as we both got lost in the kiss.

"Breathe Bella," I smiled, watching her flustered expression as she gasped for breath when in the end I had to pull away for a much needed gasp for air.

"Wow," she panted. "That was…."

"Exquisite," I added, no words being able to express how I felt at the moment.

"Yeah," she sighed, leaning her head against my chest.

I don't know how much time passed between that moment and the first rays of sunlight, peeking out from underneath the dark cover of night but all I knew was that I never wanted to let her go.

I had to, though.

With the passing of hours Bella had gotten more and more silent and I realized that she must have been dead on her feet but as unwilling as I to say goodbye for now. The sadness in her eyes as I suggested calling it a night must have mirrored mine but in the end reason won out and we headed back to her hotel, which was just a few yards away from the beach.

My whole body protested when I kissed her goodnight. It wasn't used to saying goodbye before it had staked its final claim. My mind, however, was made up to see her again as soon as possible, though the possibility of her refusing me made me hesitate longer than I ever had.

"Would you like to spend the day with me?" I finally asked, my voice shaking as I uttered the words.

"I'd love to," she replied, her genuine enthusiasm making my insides do a summersault with joy. "How about you pick me up around one, or is that too early?"

_Much too late. How about six o'clock, that's only an hour away. I can just about manage an hour away from you……_

"Deal," I smiled, pulling her frail body to mine once more for a lingering kiss before I stepped back and watched her disappear behind the door of her room, my arms feeling more empty then they ever had before.

I tried to take stock of my thoughts and emotions as I walked away. The enormity of the things I felt crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I liked her. I liked her a lot. I may have even fallen in love with her somewhere over the course of the night. I knew the feelings I felt were true and that she reciprocated at least part of them.

But that was exactly what was nagging me….

The fact of the matter was that I didn't deserve her. She was the symbol of good and purity and she deserved to be with someone who would cherish and love her without the shadows of the past hanging over them. Not me. Not this monster.

Still, I couldn't keep away. I knew that deep down inside. Her body and mind called to me like a siren's call and I was utterly unable to resist her. The thought alone that in just a few hours she would be back by my side made me happier than I had been in a very long time and even though I didn't deserve the happiness and the kisses and gentle caresses she gave to me, over the course of the evening I had become a hopeless addict.

She was what I had needed all those days to make me feel whole again. I felt like ever since I met her she had become a part of me, a part I craved more than my lungs craved air. She was in my blood, my brain, my heart…..she was my brand of heroin.

Giving up sleep before I had even tried it I set to work, trying to come up with an idea for our date today and making sure I had everything arranged as soon as possible before taking a shower, wandering around my room aimlessly and finally settling on my bed to try and rest a little. Somewhere around eleven, when I couldn't take the waiting any longer, I finally leaped off my bed and went in search of the rental car I had reserved earlier that morning, packed it with lunch and a few other things I thought I might need and headed back to town to pick Bella up.

My choice of hotel had not been a hit with the rest of the group. It was obvious that when James allowed me to pick the hotel he hadn't though of the few, nice hotels that stood a little distance away from the town and the all-round lawlessness that went on there. At least over here you could get some sleep which – according to Bella – was more than you could say for her hotel.

Bella.

I sighed. Only two more hours until I saw her again. Part of me wished that I had her here with me, in my hotel room, underneath the covers of my bed. But it was too soon for that. Even if I took her here with the chastest of intentions I didn't know if I would be able to resist the call of her body. If her mere presence wouldn't serve to draw out the worst in me.

Monster.

**xXx**

The other girl – the one I had seen with Bella at the start of yesterday evening – opened the door when I knocked at twelve thirty.

"You're early," she admonished me, her hands folded in front of her chest.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, a little scared by the way she was scowling at me, the sweetness of her face having given way completely to a fierce, protective glare. "Is Bella around?"

"She's getting ready," the girl stated, not moving an inch from her spot in the middle of the doorway. "What do you have planned for her today?"

"A boat trip?" I muttered, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. "I plan to have lunch with her on a boat I've rented."

"Good," the woman nodded. "And….."

"And what?" I asked, completely puzzled.

"Listen," she started, her scowl deepening as she pricked her fingers in my chest. "You may have been able to work your magic on my friend with your hair and your smile and your freakishly green eyes, but make no mistake. She's got friends. Friends who have no trouble rearranging that pretty little face of yours the moment Bella walks back into this room tonight with anything but a smile on her face."

"Yes, ma'am," I muttered, dragging my hand though my hair while wondering if she expected me to kiss her hand or if she would slap me if I did.

"Good," she nodded. "Now get into the damn room. Bella will be ready in a minute.

She grabbed my hand and dragged me into the pokey little room, stopping in front of a door at the end and leaving me there before she turned back to a suitcase on the other side of the room and started to rearrange things.

I was just starting to work up the courage to ask her if I could move when the door behind me opened and the vision of beauty, her body flushed with the heat of the shower, emerged from the bathroom.

"Okay Ange, bring it on," she chuckled, her face half hidden behind a small while towel.

I took in a sharp breath, trying – but failing – to keep my body from reacting to hers. As my eyes wandered involuntarily from her toned legs upwards to her thighs, her hips, the skin covered by the lacy boy-shorts, her flat stomach and even further upwards to her beautiful breasts covered in more black lace I could feel my pants tightening and my heart beat pick up, my whole body aching to pounce on her, get rid of the scary friend and stay cooped up in this room for the rest of eternity.

I was started from my perverted thoughts by a piercing scream followed by a loud bang as Bella ran back into the bathroom and locked the door behind her.

This was it. She must have finally realized what an asshole I was and come to her senses. It was over.

"You'd better give her some space," the girl remarked. "Unless you have some food to coax her with she's never going to come out of there as long as you're still in the room. Go wait outside and I'll see if I can get her to come to her senses again."

'Yes……right…….sorry," I muttered, turning to leave.

"And you might also want to concentrate on some less happy thoughts, Casanova," she called after me. "For, as impressed Bella will no doubt be she sees _that_, I don't think it's the appropriate time to bring the old trouser snake out to play."

How the hell did a minister's daughter ever get so scary? I thought they were supposed to me all meek and kind?

I tried to gather my thoughts yet again as I waited for Bella to get ready...if she still wanted to go out with me after my less than gentlemanlike reaction to her just now. I had to get a grip on myself. I had to somehow show her that I wasn't just interested in her body. That I wanted her for her beautiful mind as much – or, dare I say it – even more, than I wanted to be inside her. The thing was…I was completely puzzled as to the how of it. Where I had lots of experience with getting women into bed with me, I had none when it came to actually wooing a woman.

I guess I would just have to go with it as I went and hope I wouldn't fuck up again.

"Hi," I heard Bella's soft voice speak behind me as she emerged from her room a couple of minutes later.

"Good morning beautiful," I smiled, folding my hands around her face, unable to stay away from her any longer, and brushing my thumb over her still blushing cheeks before leaning in for a quick kiss.

"So," she smiled nervously, "What do you have planned for us today?"

"I thought we might hire a boat and have a picnic on the ocean. That is….if you'd like to," I explained, giving her a way out of she didn't like boats or the idea of spending a whole day alone with me.

"I'd love to," she replied, her genuine smile and enthusiasm warming my dead, black heart, my smile no doubt matching hers.

"Then let's get out of here," I chuckled, taking her hand and leading her out to my rental car. I still had no idea of what to do, but still I couldn't wait to see where the day would take us.

xXx

I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight, not with the day that lay behind us. It had started with those horrible sluts downstairs, trying to undermine Bella's confidence by shamelessly flirting with me. It had had quite the opposite effect. Not only did I feel completely revolted by even the thought of laying a hand on them, it had also served to bring out Bella's jealous side, a side that had made me fall even more in love with her.

The there had been the afternoon we had spend on the boat. I couldn't remember any time where I had been happier and more at ease in my entire life. Talking to Bella came effortlessly and once again I found myself sharing secrets and dreams with her I had never imagined sharing with another living soul. The way she was there, lending me support and comfort when I needed it, pushing my body to the edges of control when we made out and enveloped me with her warmth and love just by sitting next to me made me realize that I had finally found that part of me that had been missing all those years.

It scared the shit out of me, to be honest.

Things that I had considered broken beyond repair had suddenly been mended, the world, that had been grey and black and white, suddenly shining in front of my eyes in Technicolor brightness. It was as if I had been asleep for the first twenty-four years of my existence and she had kissed life into my numb and comatose existence.

"Edward," she mumbled, her body reacting immediately to the sound f her voice and the way her body was squirming against mine. "Look out……naked people."

For a moment I was afraid I was going to wake her up as her body bumped up and down against my shaking chest and my loud snorts broke the silence in the room. What the hell was that woman dreaming about? Naked people attacking her?

She really was too adorable for her own good, her innocence and artlessness shining through even in her sleep. It made me feel so guilty for dragging her down to my questionable level. I wanted to be a better person for her, but I knew that no amount of trying would ever make me good enough to deserve her. Some of the events of the last couple of hours had made that crystal clear to me.

It had started with the way my body reacted around her, my cock twitching at every smile she gave me, my hands dying to slide into her slick folds and make her scream my name. Every cell of my body clamoring to be buried deep inside her and, my lips marking her body as I spilled into her.

And even if I would be able to keep my own beastly inclinations under control, there was always the less than wholesome people I surrounded myself with, their company being the very thing this angel had to be protected from as James had made perfectly clear only a couple of hours ago.

The way had looked at me and Bella when we entered the hotel lobby, a smug smile playing on his lips as he made his way over me, had made every hair on my body stand on end.

I knew what it was that James had seen.

Victory.

Blind man that he was, he probably would taken one look at Bella in her wet clothes and me standing next to her, grinning like a fucking idiot, to conclude that Eddie had come back out to play. The thought that James had classified Bella in the same category as the whores and brainless skanks I used to consort with made my blood boil and – were it not for the fact that I was dying to get Bella away from their prying eyes – I would have broken the fucking bastard's neck.

"Nooooo," Bella's sleepy voice groaned, her tiny body thrashing against mine as it became clear to me that she was having a nightmare.

What to do? Should I wake her up and hold her? Should I let her sleep and hold her? Should I not hold her?

Out of the question.

"I love you….." she muttered, her body calming down again. "I want you……."

I froze. Did she really just say what I thought she said? I knew she had to have feelings for me, it was clear in every word and gesture from her, but could it really be that her feelings mirrored mine?

"Edward," she spoke again, her voice deeper and huskier this time as her hips started grinding against mine.

_Dear lord, please give me strength, this woman was going to be the death of me. _If her declaration wasn't enough, the fact that she was lying against my side having a sex dream about me would be the end of my poor, tormented self-control.

I closed my eyes, thinking that if only I didn't look at her I would be able to keep it together. It was no use though. The moment my eyes were closed my other sense were heightened, her moans vibrating through my body as her hips continued to rock against me.

Fuck.

"I love you," she mumbled again, her body molding itself to my side as I still lay there motionless and completely dumbstruck, my arms tightening around her and never wanting to let go.

"I love you too, Bella," I finally whispered, craning my neck so that I could plant a tender kiss on her forehead, the movement making her stir before her doe-like eyes slowly opened and found mine.

"Good morning," I whispered, leaning in to give her a proper kiss, my lips only making contact with the back of her hand as she clamped it over her mouth.

"Go away!" she squeaked, and for a moment I thought she had felt the gross evidence of my revolting, impure mind press against her hip. "Morning breath!"

"Bella," I huffed, hiding my relief. "Please remove you hands so that I can kiss you." I couldn't believe she thought I was going to be revolted by the smell of her.

"Not before I've brushed my teeth," she stubbornly persisted, her hands still firmly in place.

I guess that meant I had to revert to plan B.

I flipped us over quickly, pinning her body underneath mine while trying to ignore the way her body felt against me. I was on a mission; getting caught up in her body would distract me from my true goal: her lips. After some persuasion she finally gave in and both of us soon got caught up in one another, the closeness of her body and the way her scent drifted around us only stirring me up, my arousal building up to painful levels before I finally managed to pull back and put some space between us before this went too far.

"Oh God! Angela!" she gasped as she rolled onto her back, only now remembering her scary friend.

"Don't worry," I soothed, pressing my forehead against hers and breathing her in. "I called back to your hotel last night and told her you were out for the count. She made me promise to return you as soon as you woke up though…." I deemed it wiser to exclude the penalty's Angela had made up in case I would return her late or in a less than orderly shape from my explanation. "She said something about committing murder if she had to spend another day in the company of Paris and Nicole."

"Poor Angela," she laughed. "Jess and Lauren probably dragged her off to some club last night." The way her face scrunched up at the word 'club' just like it had done at the mention of the word 'marriage' made me chuckle. She really was a world's apart from every other woman I had met before. "By the way….why didn't you wake me up last night?"

"You were sleeping so deeply, I just couldn't bear it," I explained, omitting the fact that I also couldn't bear the thought of having her leave me. "You looked like you needed your sleep."

"I did," she sighed. "Probably more than you could ever imagine." I could imagine that with the clubs and the crowds her hotel was probably a lot noisier than mine was. "Not all of us can afford this luxury, you know," she went on. "You've seen the place where I'm staying, and between the horny barfing frat boys outside my window, the bouncy castle someone mistook for a mattress and the bitchfest going on in the bed next to me, it's kind of hard to get a decent nights sleep."

I chuckled at her honesty. I could imagine that. It was one of the reasons I had opted for a hotel away from the clubs and insisted on my own room.

"Wait a minute…." She gasped, her face loosing all color. "You said I was sound asleep?" She waited for me to confirm this before she continued. "Dear lord. Please tell me I didn't start talking."

I looked away, trying to hide the smile that appeared when I thought back on her muttered declaration of love and, of course, the absurd musings about naked people.

"What did I say?" she gasped, her face looking pale as the dead.

"Nothing much," I chuckled. "Just something about having to fight the naked people."

"Oh God!" she groaned, hiding her face in her pillow.

"And then, of course, you said my name," I added, my smile stretching from ear to ear.

She looked up at me, the pallor in her cheeks replaced by a fiery red. "That's not all I said, is it?"

"It is!" I chuckled. "I promise!" For the sake of her sanity I decided to not tell her about the declaration of love. I feared her poor heart wouldn't be able to take it.

"I don't believe you," she whispered, her cheeks still adorably flustered by her blush.

"Then do you remember what you dreamed about?" I purred. As much as I wanted to protect her poor little heart from sustaining any lasting damage, there was, however, nothing that would stop me from teasing her for a little bit. "Believe me," I continued when she nodded, her teeth almost piercing her lip. "The only thing you _said_ was my name…." I had to fight my treacherous body when the memory drifted back into my brain.

"Oh no!" she croaked, leaping out of my arms and locking herself into the bathroom before I cold do anything to stop her.

Damn. That wasn't what I had been expecting……

As I tried to get Bella to open the door for me I suddenly remembered something Angela had told me yesterday. That little snipped, combined with the fact that she hadn't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon gave me a trump I could play…..

Sure enough, almost as soon as room service had brought up the food I had ordered the door opened and a very pissed off looking Bella emerged, scowling at me as she snatched a few pieces of bacon from a plate. "Damn you for tempting me out of the bathroom with bacon!" she grumbled, munching on her breakfast.

"All is fair in love and war," I chuckled, pulling her back onto the bed with me as I fed her breakfast and kept her distracted until the time I had to give her back to her roommate.

"You're late," Angela snapped, scowling at me as I dropped Bella off.

"Only five minutes," I huffed.

"Five minutes I had to spend trapped in a 'Girls gone wild' episode," Angela countered. "Apologize."

"Only if I get to spend the evening with Bella," I stated.

"And leave me at the mercy of Skankica and Whoren? I don't think so."

"Go see a movie," I shrugged, tightening my eyes as we locked into some sort of staring competition.

"Do you guys want me to leave?" Bella interrupted.

"No," we both growled at the same time.

"Then will you please stop talking about me as if I'm not here?' Bella huffed. "If I wanted to hear two people arguing over me I would have gone to visit my parents."

I was starting to feel a little guilty at that. Bella had told me about her home situation and the last thing I wanted was for her to be reminded of that by anything I did. "How about I pick her up at six and return her in the morning. You can spend the day with her and join us for dinner tomorrow evening."

"Pick her up at seven, make sure the place has lobster on the menu and you've got yourself a deal, mister," Angela replied, holding her hand out to shake on it.

"Very well," I nodded. "You drive a hard bargain."

"That's what you get when you don't grow up with a silver spoon in your mouth, frat boy," she snorted. "Get her back late again and you'll be sorry." She grabbed Bella's hand and dragged my poor angel behind her without even allowing me to say goodbye to her, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I had been amazed, yesterday afternoon, when Bella reacted understandingly, and only slightly shaken when I told her about my less than shiny record with women. Of course that may have been because I only skirted the edges of the monster I had been…. Part of me had expected her to back away and demand I take her back to her hotel the instant I spoke the words. I had prepared to be slapped in the face, verbally admonished and never to see her again. I had not prepared for her forgiveness and understanding. It wasn't something I deserved.

I fell into a restless sleep when I got back to the hotel. I woke up sweat soaked and gasping for breath, remembering the succession of dreams in which Bella left me after finding out my true nature, or – my worst nightmare - my old self resurfacing to ruin her.

I wondered, as I showered and cleaned up the room for our date tonight, if I really could be a better man. If I could manage to kill Eddie for good and be something resembling the man she deserved.

I would try.

For her, I would try everything, for in the few days I had known her I had allowed myself to hope as I had never hoped before. I had seen a better future; a future filled with Bella, and if only I could stay the course and keep her by my side there might be hope for me yet.

I was nervous when I picked her up, the idea of, instead of taking her to some nice restaurant, having her go back to my hotel room for a quiet night suddenly appearing more as something the old Edward would do than something that was acceptable when dealing with someone as pure and unsullied as she was.

"Did you forget something?" she asked as I opened the door for her, the smell of the food I had requested to be brought up welcoming us. She looked so beautiful. The dark blue of her dress enhancing the flawless, almost porcelain, skin and the minimal makeup emphasizing her natural beauty. Apart from that there seemed to be a glow about her, something that made her eyes shine ever brighter than they did that first night we met.

I took a deep breath, trying to gauge what other emotions apart from surprise were presenting themselves on her face. "I realized that there was no place I'd rather take you than here," I started, fidgeting with the bottom button of my shirt, "so I arranged dinner to be brought up here. I hope you don't mind….."

"Why would I mind?" she replied, her tiny hand lifting my chin up, forcing me to look into her big brown eyes.

"Well……." I wanted to tell her more about my past, warn her to steer clear of me, to get away while she still could, but I couldn't. I couldn't make her leave me, not even if it was better for her in the end. I needed her. I needed the love and hope she gave me. So I opted for the coward way out. "You spend all that time getting ready to go out only to find out I'm just taking you back to my hotel room…"

"I don't care about that," she chuckled, her hand moving from my chin to my chest making my heart almost leap out towards her. "Most of the restaurants around town will be overcrowded and filled with the kind of people I'd normally steer clear of anyway."

"…and when I took you up I realized how presumptuous it was of me to drag you up to my room for our second date," I added, trying to ignore the happiness that sparked inside of me when she indicated she wanted to be alone with me as much as I wanted to be alone with her.

"Edward," she scowled, wrapping her arms around me, her head leaning against my chest. "There's no place on earth I'd rather be right now than here and really, you couldn't have done me a greater pleasure than with this…." she waved towards the table and chairs set up on the balcony. "There is nothing presumptuous about it and if I didn't feel comfortable about being here with you now I would have told you a long time ago."

I saw the truth in her eyes when she looked up at me. She had understood what I had meant by bringing her here all along. "I just worried that you might take this the wrong way," I muttered apologetically.

"I trust you, Edward," she stated, her eyes blazing into mine. "With my heart." Her eyes started dancing with mischief, a small smile creeping onto her lips before she continued. "And after al….we already slept together last night so what is there to worry about."

"Then let's go eat!" I chuckled, taking her hand and leading her out onto the patio.

Dinner passed pleasantly enough but I could tell there was something weighing on Bella's mind. She seemed distracted, even though she talked and ate just like nothing was going on. When she told me that all of this had her just as confused as it had me a great big weight was lifted from my shoulder. I wasn't fooling myself. Her feelings for me, matched what I had started to feel for her.

Love.

As I pulled her closer to me I knew what this evening would turn into but the strange thing was that it didn't scare me anymore. Even with her unspoken declaration Bella had managed to destroy all that was left of the old Edward and as I breathed in her scent I knew – more clearly than I had ever known – that I would make it through.

"Edward," she groaned, dragging her lips over my neck and the little sliver of skin that was left uncovered by my shirt. The need in her voice urging me to pick her up in my arms and carry her to my bed, kissing her softly and slowly as my hands undid the bow that held her dress together.

I sucked in a deep breath, my hands trembling more than I would care to admit as I allowed my hands to move down from her clavicle, parting her dress down the middle as I uncovered more and more of her skin.

"Beautiful," I muttered, my hands wandering over her body, familiarizing themselves with each and every aspect of her. I could keep doing this forever, touching, kissing, watching…..but apparently she wasn't satisfied just yet.

I moved along as her tiny hands directed me onto my back and started unbuttoning my shirt, a tremor shooting though my body every time her hands made contact with the skin of my chest. I was pretty sure she could feel the effect of her actions pressing against her thighs but she never appeared daunted or hesitant as she moved, mirroring my images as she touched and kissed her way down my chest.

I brushed the fabric of her dress off her shoulders when she sat back up, revealing even more of her, my hands getting bolder as they touched. She writhed against me, her eyes rolling slightly backwards as I started to massage her perfect breasts through the fabric of her bra, before deciding that, though pretty, the fabric left to much space between her and me. I looked into her eyes to see if she was still okay with this before settling my hands on the clasp of her bra and shedding the offending piece of fabric, flinging it as far away from me as possible.

The sight of Bella, covered in nothing more than a pair of silk panties took my breath away. She was so beautiful. So delicate. So mine…….

"Exquisite," I muttered, my hands brushing over the newly uncovered skin, her peaks hardening under my touch. Leaning in I placed a kiss over her rapidly beating heart before exploring the rest of her sweet skin with my mouth, kissing and nipping at every bit of her that was exposed to me as she continued to write against me, her movements driving me to the brink of insanity.

"Edward," she moaned, her back arched as she offered herself up to me, "please."

"Tell me what you want me to do, Bella," I muttered against her skin. I had a pretty sound idea of what that was, but I needed to be sure. I needed to hear the words from her lips.

"Please…." she panted. "I want you to make love to me….right now."

Not wanting to waste another minute I flipped us over, quickly discarding the remainder of my clothes in the process, my eagerness coaxing a smile from my angels' lips. My whole body shook as I hooked my fingers around the edges of the black lace that covered her, revealing her beautiful pussy, glistening with arousal. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as the smell of her hit my pallet, almost making me loose it like a fucking teenaged boy right there and then.

"Are you sure about this?" I panted, looking up at her for approval as I positioned myself at her entrance.

"Please," she moaned, her hands settling on my shoulders, pressing down as if to stir me on. My body wanted nothing more than to drive into her like a fucking maniac and start pounding, but I knew that I had to take it slow. I kissed every bit of her heated skin I could reach as I held still, letting her adjust to my size before starting to move inside her at a slow, steady pace.

Fuck she felt so good. Better than anything I had ever felt before. When I moved inside her it was as if we truly became one, our bodies moving in perfect synchronicity as we were swept away by our feelings, my release coming stronger and harder than I had ever felt it as I called out her name, spilling inside of her the moment her walls started clamping around me, her nails marking me as her own as she in turn called out my name.

I kissed her as we both came down from our highs, arranging her body against mine in a way that wouldn't crush her or hurt her as I felt my body deflate.

"Sleep, my Bella, my beautiful," I whispered breathing in the scent of Bella and love and utter satisfaction as I let sleep wash over me.

This night had been like nothing I had ever experienced before. For years I had thought that I didn't need anyone, apart from fleeting contact to still my urges when I felt them. Then Bella came along and I realized that she filled every void I had unwittingly carried around in my body. She made me feel whole…better…a man.

With her I could be the man I had always wanted to be. With her there were no false pretenses, no playboy image to hide behind. With her I was naked and exposed and this night had been just another example of it. This hadn't been fucking, or satisfying some kind of primal urge. This had been making love.

And I never wanted it to be any other way.

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_**I hope you liked this chapter. It was one that was initially intended for My Mistakes Were Made for You but, as you may remember, I struggled with Edwards POV at first and by the time I got a good grasp of that POV the story had progressed too far to include this chapter. I'm glad of that now, since I didn't know certain facts about Edward back then that are going to end up being important and will explain his actions and behavior further along in the story. **_

_**The next chapter will deal with Edwards recovery and the aftermath of the accident. I wonder what kind of patient Edward will turn out to be….**_

_**For now, please review.**_


	10. Headaches & headlines

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**As always much thanks to my wonderful beta xparawhorextwerdx for kicking my lazy ass when I needed it and beta'ing this chapter while away at camp. Please take a moment to show her some love and vote for her story**__**Love will never die**__** in the Indie TwiFic Awards (theindietwificawards(dot)com).**_

_**I'm sorry for the delay in posting. On Sunday I had a little epiphany about a character who will make his/her appearance shortly and I needed to stew on that idea a little more. I didn't want to post the chapter before I had it all figured out. (I know, I'm speaking in riddles again).**_

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**Headaches & Headlines**

_**October 2009**_

Ouch!

It was the first thought that crossed my mind as I felt myself wake up slowly. My whole body hurt like it'd been ran over by a stampede of teenaged fan girls on their way to meet the Jonas Brothers.

"Fuck!" My voice sounded raspy and my throat joined the long list of body parts in pain, as my eyes slowly fluttered open, blinking against the far too bright light of day.

"Edward Antony Cullen! What kind of language do you think that is!" Esme scolded as she dabbed my sore forehead with a damp cloth. "What if Libby had been sitting here with me, would you have liked to explain your choice of words to her? Or would you have let Bella fix that mistake as well?"

I looked around dazed and confused at first but more sure of myself as I started to remember who I was, where I was and what the hell my mother was talking about.

"She told you, huh?" I groaned, my hands covering my eyes as I try to get my bearings. I could remember being released from hospital some time – yesterday, maybe? – ago and stumbling up the stairs, ignoring Emmett's remark about carrying me up. But pretty much everything that happened before and after that was lost in a clouded haze. I knew that Bella must have been there at some point because I could remember thinking that holding her in my arms beat any painkiller the hospital might have distributed, but I couldn't even remember if that was before or after we got back.

"Edward?" Esme asked, her eyes looking a little worried. "Did you hear anything I just said?"

"Lost in thoughts," I mumbled, finally able to uncover my eyes as Esme pulled the curtains closed. "Where is Bella?"

"In the guest bedroom," Esme explained. "I told her that if she got out of there before four in the afternoon I'd knock her over the head with one of your father's golf clubs. And, before you ask: no, I'm not waking her up. The poor thing was dead on her feet being by your side all day and night while also trying to take care of two young children….."

"What?" I groaned, reaching for a glass of water on the nightstand since my throat still felt like it was made of parchment. "How long have I been out?"

"For two, almost three days," Esme replied. "In your defense….you did wake up a couple of times, but I didn't think the words 'active' or 'responding' were applicable on your situation."

"Right." I tried to make sense of my situation as more memories came fluttering back into my brain. I knew there was something about a collapsing building and that my leg was in a cast. My shoulder felt as if it had been dislocated so judging by the pounding in my head and the way the rest of my body felt I had been right in the middle of the building when it collapsed. Wait……"Amy?"

"She's going to be fine," Esme smiled, sitting down next to me on the bed. "Carlisle went to see her this morning. If her recovery continues at the same pace they will be moving her from the ICU tonight or tomorrow."

"Her legs?" I remembered the little girl being trapped underneath a huge pile of debris, her legs invisible though probably badly damaged.

"She's going to be fine, Edward," Esme repeated. "Thanks to you the only reminders she will have of what happened will be some scarring on her legs and the memories of her terrible ordeal. You did good there, my son…..I'm so very proud of you."

"I was scared," I muttered, a shockwave of emotions following as every memory fell into place. "I thought I was going to die."

"We all did," Esme whispered. "When Alice called me………Let's just say it brought back memories of another horrible night…." She shook her head, almost as if the shake the memories out of it. "I can only imagine how it must have been for Bella to sit there and wait, just as I cannot begin to imagine how it must have been for you to be trapped underneath a building with a critically wounded little girl."

"At least we all made it out of there alive," I sighed, grabbing her hand and squeezing it while trying to ignore the jolt of pain the movement send through my system. "Did Bella bring Masen to Rose?"

"No, he's here," Esme smiled. "Do you want me to go get him?"

"Yes please," I nodded, trying to sit up. "Where is Libby? Is she at school?"

"Yes," Esme nodded. "We all thought it best if life went on as normal as it could for her."

"What do you mean?"

"You've attracted quite the audience, Edward," Esme chuckled, patting my uninjured leg. "By the looks of it every single reporter in town is camping out in front of the house. They all want to be the first to get a picture or an interview with the courageous doctor who saved the only child of senator McGregor."

"Amy's father was senator McGregor?" I muttered. I remembered how Amy had told me both her parents had busy jobs, but she never mentioned being the child of one of the most charismatic representatives the state of New York ever had. It sure as hell explained the presence of the reporters Esme had talked about. I doubt if they would have bothered if Amy were the child of some craftsman.

"Yes," Esme, smiled. "Alice is already putting your outfit together for when you sit down for your first television interview."

"Fuck," I groaned, the pounding in my head increasing tenfold with the thought of it.

"Edward," Esme hissed. "I am not handing your perfect, innocent little son to you if this is how you are going to greet him."

"Sorry mom," I muttered.

"I'll go get him, then," she nodded, her eyes still silently conveying her dissatisfaction.

I heard her softly close the door behind her on her way out and rested my head back against the pillows.

I was alive. Two days had passed without my knowledge, but I was alive and so was Amy.

I remembered bits and pieces of what it had been like to be trapped underneath piles of fallen down building, hearing the firemen as they dug their way towards us and being scared to death about the little girl lying trapped beneath me and the little girl at home I might never see again. I had never been so scared in my life.

Even now, when everything had turned out fine and I was back home, I still felt uneasy. It was as if something was missing. A vital element to knowing everything was going to be alright was still absent from this room.

Bella.

I remembered Esme's words about how she had been dead on her feet after staying by my side for days and I didn't want to add to that by waking her up. Still…I missed her. I craved her. Not having her by my side made me nervous, especially now that I had come so close to loosing her forever.

I heard the door open to my side and looked up to see the vision of heaven tiptoe into the room. It was as if she had read my mind.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" I whispered as she sat down on the edge of the bed, a tear glistening in the corner of her eye.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" she countered, a radiant smile illuminating her tired face as she gazed down on me.

"Kiss me," I whispered. I needed to touch her, have her close to me, to be sure that this was real. "Please."

"Are you sure?" she asked, inching closer as her eyes settled on what must have been a battered and bruised body.

"Come here," I motioned, sighing with pleasure and relief as she finally closed the distance and kissed me, her soft lips conveying every unspoken emotion.

"You still haven't answered my question," she whispered against my lips as we parted.

"I'm waiting for Esme to bring Masen up," I shrugged. "What's your excuse? From what I heard Esme made the rules pretty clear to you…."

"I can't sleep without you," she muttered, hiding her blush behind her tangled mess of mahogany hair. "I went crazy in there, not knowing if you had woken up and needed me….."

"I always need you Bella," I whispered back, wiping the tear away that was starting to roll down her cheek. "Even when I was asleep, you were there to comfort me." The memory of reliving those very early days of our relationship while I was asleep flooded back into my brain. It must have been my body's way of recovering…going back to those days when she first shot through my black sky like a meteor; bringing light where I had thought only darkness existed.

"Don't ever do this to me again, Edward," she whispered, her eyes filling with unshed tears again, her tiny hands fisting into the sheets. "I thought I lost you….."

"I thought so too for a minute…." I muttered back, feeling my whole body deflate like a balloon. "I'm sorry for putting you through this." I reached out my good arm and wrapped it around her shoulder, tugging her body down onto the mattress beside me. In an ideal world I would have wrapped her in my arms and forgotten about the world around us, but my body was telling me that might not be the best of plans.

"It's okay," she sniffed, dabbing her eyes. "I know you couldn't leave that little girl lying there……but…..it was just that…..I was so scared…."

"I know love," I soothed. "I was scared too. I never thought it could end like that. It's like all rational parts of my brain that had nothing to do with getting Amy out of there alive left me as soon as I entered that building. I didn't even think of the risks I was taking and the consequences that might have had for us."

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice sounded from the doorway. "Esme's looking for you……You might want to sneak back into the guest bedroom."

"I'm not letting her go," I growled, mustering every ounce I of strength and determination I had left in my tired, wounded body while grabbing Bella's arm as she moved to get up from the bed. "I want her here."

"Edward, son," Carlisle spoke in his authoritative doctor voice, "you have suffered a Class II concussion. You know as well as I do what that involves."

Class II concussion. Well, at least that explained the headache, the confusion and the memory loss.

"I can't sleep without Bella," I pouted. "I need her here."

"But Edward….." Bella's soothing voice spoke. "What if I hurt you?"

"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me. Period," I grumbled, tightening my grip on her wrist.

"Fine," Carlisle sighed in defeat. "But you can be the one to tell Esme."

"Tell Esme what?" my mother asked, appearing behind Carlisle. "Explain to Esme why your wife is in your room when she should be asleep in bed or explain to Esme why you are sitting up in your bed when you should be lying still, trying to recover from your injuries?"

"Masen!" Bella cooed, her eyes fixed on our son, lying contently in his grandmothers arms.

"Here you go, honey," Esme smiled as she handed Masen over to Bella, her eyes still fixed on me with a withering glare.

"He says he needs her here, honey," Carlisle stated, wrapping an arm around Esme's shoulders. "It's best if we give him what he wants. Knowing him he would only leap out of bed in search for Bella the moment you close the door behind him."

I heard Esme mutter something under her breath that sounded an awful lot like 'immature, stubborn ass of a man' but I couldn't be sure. She wasn't one to use language like that on a regular basis. So far the only time I had heard it was when she came to Dartmouth to lecture me on my despicable behavior several years ago.

"Why don't we go pick up Libby from school and let them get some rest?" Carlisle suggested, tugging Esme back towards the door as she continued to shoot her disappointed Mama Bear-glare at us.

"Okay," she nodded reluctantly before turning back. "But if the two of you aren't asleep and fully clothed when we get back here I'm locking both of you into separate rooms."

"That's fine by me, mom," I sighed, feeling awfully little at the moment. "It's not as if I could be doing anything else but sleep and stare out in front of me anyway. I think Masen is ahead of me in motor skills right now….." I took a look at my son who was playing with a lock of Bella's hair, his other hand fisted in the fabric of the tank top she was wearing.

"Good," Esme huffed. "Now let's go. "And with that she turned on her heals and marched out of the room, leaving Carlisle behind.

"You know she means well," he smiled apologetically, "and I completely agree with her by the way. She's only worried about the two of you."

"She still scares me when she does that," Bella sighed, sitting up straighter as she reached for a bottle of warmed up breast milk Esme had left behind.

"I know what you mean," I chuckled, watching as Masen greedily drank from the bottle, his eyes closed and an overall contented look on his face. "I must have encountered Momma Bear a hundred times before but she still scares the crap out of me."

"You should go to sleep though," Bella sighed, her eyes searching mine. "You look tired."

"So do you, love," I whispered, noticing the blue shades under her eyes. "Esme told me you've been watching over me while I slept."

"I couldn't leave you," she replied, her voice barely audible. "Not before I knew you were going to be alright. In the end Esme had to drag me into the guest bedroom and almost lock me in there, not that it did any good."

"I'm sorry love," I sighed. "I never wanted to make your life even harder than it already was."

"Cut it out Edward," she warned. "You're not going to take the blame for what happened. You did your job - you saved a little girl's life for God's sake! – the least thing I can do now is take care of you."

"But what about your job?" I countered, jolts of pain piercing my head as I got more agitated.

"My students can wait," she shrugged. "You and the kids are more important than my career. What kind of mother or wife would I be if that wasn't the case? Now lie back and be quiet while I feed our son or I'm calling your mother back in!"

"Fine," I huffed, lying back and closing my eyes, sneaking tiny peeks at Bella as she burped Masen and placed him in the baby basket next to our bed.

"And don't think you can fool me, mister," she sighed, placing a soft kiss on the center of my chest, right above my heart, "I know you're still awake."

"You're just as bad as Esme," I grumbled, opening my eyes and caressing her cheek as she lay next to me on her side. "I love you angel."

"I love you to, Edward," she sighed, already half asleep.

I don't know how much time had passed – it could have been minutes or hours – when I was awoken by the sound of the door as it slowly opened. I could hear Bella's slow and steady breathing next to me as she remained deep asleep while tiny feet began to tiptoe towards the bed.

"Daddy?" Libby whispered, a pale face framed with shiny brown curls appearing above me. "Are you awake?"

"I am sweetie," I whispered back, "but mommy's still asleep so you have to be very quiet."

"Are you alright daddy?" she asked, her eyes scrutinizing my appearance.

"I'm fine sweetheart," I reassured her, though in reality I felt anything but fine. My head still hurt like hell and my body, though not so tired anymore, still vehemently protested against every movement I made. On top of that I had an itch somewhere down my leg but I couldn't scratch it due to the fact that the itchy spot was covered by a cast. "Did mommy tell you what happened?"

"She said you got sick while you were working at the hospital and then when uncle Emmett got back he said you bumped your head really hard and that you couldn't come home yet because when people bump their heads really hard they go and say all kinds of funny and embarrassing things and they couldn't very well let you out on the street like that but when you got back you didn't say anything….." she took a huge gulp of air, her chest heaving with the avalanche of words that came flying out of it. "Did Uncle Emmett say the truth?"

"No he didn't honey," I replied, still keeping my voice low so that we didn't wake Bella up. "But then again….he's uncle Emmett. What did you expect?"

"Uncle Emmett always says funny things," Libby giggled, looking at me for permission before crawling into bed with me. "Does that hurt? Are you still sick daddy?" She asked as she ghosted her hand over the cast on my leg that was sticking out from underneath the sheets.

"It doesn't hurt that much now," I admitted, though I doubted if, without the painkillers, I would have been able to put up a brave face. "And yes….daddy is still a little bit sick."

"How did it happen daddy??" she asked, her face looking completely puzzled as she took in my battered appearance. "I know mommy often has bruises when she falls down at work but never this bad….And uncle Emmett said we should all be calling you Superman when you woke up but I didn't know what they were talking about because you look nothing like superman. You don't even wear glasses in real life like Clark Kent. And then mommy said that there had been an accident and you were trapped in a building with a little girl called Amy. And there were all these people with cameras outside the hospital and they were asking questions and…."

"Libby?" Bella's voice croaked as her eyes slowly fluttered open. "What did mommy say? One question at a time. How is daddy ever going to answer all those questions especially with his head banged up the way it is? He wouldn't know where to begin!"

"Sorry mommy," Libby pouted.

"That's okay sweetie," Bella mumbled, opening her arms for Libby to lie in between us before settling her attention on me. "How is your head, Edward? Is it still sore? Should I go get Carlisle?"

"Practice what you preach love," I chuckled before realizing that laughing might actually not be that good an idea for the next couple of days. "I'm fine, by the way,"

"So what did happen?" Libby repeated, her eyes flickering in between Bella and me.

"There was an accident in a house and a little girl got trapped inside," I explained, keeping eye contact with Bella to see if I wasn't saying things that would frighten Libby. When she nodded I continued. "When I tried to help her, part of the building came down and we were both trapped in the room for a little while before the firemen could get us out."

"Did it hurt when the building came down?" Libby asked, her brows scrunched in concentration.

"It did," I admitted, "but not so much anymore."

"But why is Uncle Emmett calling you Superman and were all those people with the camera's asking questions?" Libby thought out loud.

I felt a surge of anger rip through me at the thought of people harassing my little girl with questions she didn't even know how to answer. If I could get my hands on them…..

"Daddy saved that little girl's life, honey," Bella explained. "That's why your uncle is calling him Superman and why those people want to take pictures of him. They want to know who he is."

"Oh," Libby mused, her mind still processing this little bit of information.

"Why don't the two of us head downstairs to grandma to see if she had any food for us while daddy goes and gets some more rest?" Bella suggested, getting up from the bed. I noticed Masen's cot was empty. Carlisle or Esme must have come in at some point to get him.

"But…." I objected.

"No buts, Edward," Bella replied in the strict voice she normally reserved for Libby. "You have a concussion. You need to rest."

"I just woke up!" I grumbled. True, my head was starting to hurt again and I really didn't feel up to climbing down the stairs just yet but the prospect of staying in here alone while the rest of the family had fun downstairs didn't sound entirely fair to me either.

"Then sleep some more," Bella retorted, whispering something in Libby's ear before the little girl took off down the stairs probably in search of her grandmother.

"Just tell me something," I sighed. "How bad are things with the reporters?"

"Not as bad as when you were still in hospital," she sighed, sitting back down next to me on the bed. "I guess you're old news already."

"But it has been bad?" I pressed.

"Let's just say I now know how all those celebrities feel," Bella said with a wry smile. "I can't believe you don't remember Emmett hacking his was though the gauntlet of reporters in front of our door so that the paramedics could get you inside. You really must have been out of it."

"I just did my job," I groaned. "Why are they making such a big deal out of it?"

"She's a senator's daughter and with the elections coming up I think the McGregor's are milking this for everything it's worth," Bella smirked.

"Fucking assholes," I muttered.

"That's politics for you," Bella chuckled. "Do you want me to get you another pillow?"

"I'm fine," I sighed, grabbing her arm and tugging her towards me for a quick kiss. "Just don't stay away too long."

"I wont," she whispered, rubbing her nose against mine as she rested her forehead against mine, sighing contentedly as we breathed each other in. "Get some rest, my love," she whispered, kissing my forehead before pulling back.

I sighed as I watched her walk out of the door and close it behind her, leaving me alone in the darkened room. I closed my eyes, trying to erase the throbbing pain in my head while organizing my thoughts. Before I could get everything straightened out in my head, though, I had already sunken back into oblivion.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen.**

"When is Alice going to be here?" I asked as Esme helped me cut up the vegetables and chicken for dinner.

After Carlisle left to go back to his work a few days ago Esme had stayed behind to help me out while Edward recovered from his injuries. I was glad she did, because as far as patients came, Edward was probably one of the worst of them.

It had been a week now since the accident and Edward was getting tired of staying upstairs to rest and recover while the rest of us went on with our lives downstairs.

Being a doctor as well as being one of the most stubborn men on the planet, he was convinced of the fact that he could assess his own situation just fine and that there would be no harm in getting out of bed, four days after a rescue team had yanked him out from underneath a building with a concussion, a broken leg, a dislocated shoulder and a bunch of broken ribs. Even Esme in all her passive – or sometimes not so passive – aggressiveness had had a hard time getting him back into bed.

"In an hour or so," Esme smiled. "She had to drop something off for one of her clients before heading over. Did you hear back from Jasper?"

"He's going to be here in a couple of minutes," I replied. "He promised to stop by the bakery on his way in to pick up some bread."

"Are you going to tell me what's going on between the two of them or do you want me to wait and ask about it when the whole family is here?"

"I don't know if it's my place…." I sighed. "

"I want the entire story, Bella," Esme spoke, placing her hand on my arm. "Not just one side of it. That's why I'm asking you. I know they probably both will have spoken to you."

"They did," I nodded. "But it still doesn't feel right to share what they've told me in confidence. Especially not since they've been doing so much better the last couple of days."

"I understand," Esme sighed. "But can you at least tell me something about what's going on? I worry about my Alice."

"All I can – and want to – say on the matter is that they have different ideas of the pace in which their relationship should progress," I explained. I knew I was probably saying too much already but I could understand how Esme felt right now. If it were Libby we were discussing I'd want to know too.

"Let me guess," Esme smiled. "Alice thinks they aren't moving fast enough and Jasper wants to keep things as they are."

"Right on the mark," I confirmed

"I know my daughter," Esme chuckled. "And I think I have a pretty good grasp at what kind of person Jasper is as well."

"They just seem to be making the wrong choices right now," I sighed, feeling relieved to have someone to talk to about this. "And on top of that, their mistakes make them realize just how different they are."

"They are like yin and yang," Esme said. "Complete opposites that perfectly fit together and need each other to be whole."

"If only they'd be able to see that themselves," I muttered.

"I know it's tough to be caught in the middle of all of that, especially since you've been so busy yourself."

"I'll manage," I shrugged.

"You're not fooling anyone, Bella," Esme said determinedly. "Edward can see it, Alice can see it, and even we saw it when we flew in the other night. It's only logical that you're having a hard time adapting to all the changes in your life but don't let it go too far."

"It's nothing," I said, shaking my head as annoyance started to creep up on me. "I just have to find the right balance, that's all. Another few weeks or so and I'll have it all under control again."

"I'm not judging you," Esme smiled, pulling me into a hug. "We're all proud and – if I may speak for myself – in awe even of your strength and determination. You gave birth to a beautiful baby boy six months ago and already you're back to an almost fulltime job. Add that to taking care of Libby and Masen and the turn Edwards life has taken of late and it's no wonder we're all a bit worried about the two of you….."

"I'm fine, really," I sighed. "I did this before…..with Libby…and back then I didn't even have Edward to help me pout and cuddle up to at night."

"I'm not telling you to give up your dream or that you're doing something wrong, Bella," she spoke in a worried voice. "I'm just scared that you're so busy compromising and trying to do what's best for Edward, the children and your career that doing what's best for Bella is going to get neglected. I don't want you to end up burnt down and completely disappointed in the end."

"I know," I muttered. "It's just that with everybody voicing their doubts in whether or not I can cope I'm starting to feel completely inadequate!"

"I didn't mean it like that," Esme replied. "I trust in your abilities both as a mother and as a professional. I just want you to take some 'you time' as well every now and then."

I was just about to ask her how Carlisle and she had managed all of this when Alice and Edward were kids when Libby came bounding into the room, asking for some help with one of her math problems. Since I wouldn't be able to do much good in that particular department I let Esme step in and save the day while I continued making dinner.

I was just done slicing up the vegetables when I heard heavy footsteps slowly descending the stairs.

Edward.

"Good afternoon, love," he purred, sneaking up on me from behind and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"You're supposed to be in bed," I huffed, halfheartedly trying to pry his arms away.

"I was lonely all by myself in that dark, cold room," he muttered, his lips connecting with the tiny sliver of skin at the base of my neck that was uncovered by the sweater I was wearing. "I missed you."

"You know perfectly well what your father said," I reminded him.

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled. "I need to stay in bed like a good little boy if I want to have dinner with the grownups tonight. Well, I think that's bullshit!"

"Edward!"

"It is!" he whined. "I feel perfectly fine. No more dizziness or sensitivity to light and I only felt my head spinning when I just got down the stairs. There's no reason why I couldn't just sit here and watch my beautiful wife prepare dinner for our family!"

"There _is_ a reason," I quipped. "How about the fact that fireman had to yank you out from underneath a pile of rubble seven days ago and you're still supposed to be recovering?"

"I'm not ever going to recover if I lie in bed all day," he replied. "It's much better for patients to move around if they feel up to it. All recent studies show it."

I knew he was lying. There was no way any recent studies would have suggested a patient looking as battered, bruised and tired as Edward was looking right now to go on a hiking trip through the house.

"Edward," I scowled, knowing he wasn't going to listen to anything I had to say, not if he played the 'I know better because I'm a doctor' crap.

"Just come here and give me a kiss," he pleaded, looking up at me with his big green eyes. "Please?"

"Fuck you!" I growled, giving in to him anyway. He knew I was never able to deny him anything if he asked me like that.

"I wish," he sighed, brushing his lips against mine. "But Carlisle's gonna have my ass if I jump you right now."

"You'd drop dead before you even got past second base," I snickered, knowing full well we wouldn't be getting back to the sexy times for at least a week.

"Shut up and kiss me," he purred, his lips moving against mine a little more urgently as he pulled me into his lap, his arms wrapping around me as if he were afraid someone would come up and snatch me away.

"Edward," I panted, gasping for air.

"I know," he groaned, his face even more pale and tired than it had before. It made me rethink letting him join us for dinner tonight. Not that I would be able to keep him away. Hell, I couldn't even make him go upstairs for another couple of hours to get some rest!

Just then my hidden trump card came skipping into the kitchen.

"Daddy! You're up!" she giggled, offering Edward her cheek to kiss.

"Libby darling?" I asked, shooting an evil smirk in my husband's direction before turning my attention on my kid. "Can you do something for mommy please?"

"Of course mommy!" she beamed, her pride at being able to help radiating off her.

Good. Very good.

"Daddy looks a bit tired," I continued, nodding in Edward's direction.

"No I'm not," Edward huffed, crossing his hands in front of his chest as he glared at me. He had his appearance against him though, no doubt for the first time in his life. He still looked tired and worn. It would be so easy to convince Libby.

"He does…." Libby nodded, scrutinizing Edward's face.

"Why don't you help him get to the living rooms and make sure he lies down on the sofa for a little while? You could even read to him for a little while from that book your teacher gave you. I think it would really help him relax and get to sleep and I know it would be a good practice for your reading skills," I suggested.

"I'm. Not. Going. To. Bed. Again," Edward hissed through his teeth.

"Don't you want your daughter to read to you?" I asked sweetly, knowing deep down that I was delivering the lowest of blows. Well….all was fair when it came to protecting his health.

"Yeah daddy," Libby pouted. "It's going to be fun! Miss Milano gave us this really cool book about fairy tales to practice our reading. I'll even let you choose your favorite if you're being nice."

"What kind of fairy tales, darling?" Edward sighed, shooting daggers at me as he took Libby's outstretched hand and let her tug him in the direction of the foyer.

"The coolest ones!" Libby squealed, happy to have found a new victim to unleash her reading powers upon. "It's got Snow White and Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella and Rapunzel and….." Her voice trailed off as she shot up the stairs in search of her book while Edward followed behind her mouthing 'you're dead' at me.

I brought my attention back to preparing dinner, worrying over Edward's recovery as I prepared the chicken I intended to serve tonight. After Edward came back from the hospital almost every night became a family night at our home. With Esme staying with us, Alice had become a regular, and - of course - where Alice went Jasper followed.

Emmett and Rose dropped by almost every day as well. I must have given Emmett quite the scare back at the hospital that night because he was more worried about 'how I was taking things' than ever.

I was doing okay. Not that that mattered. I could have done without the media attention Edward's actions had gathered or without the added stress of teaching classes while my very stubborn doctor husband was supposed to be resting in his bed.

With Esme here I had decided to go back to teaching as soon as possible, leaving as late as possible and returning home the minute I dismissed my class. My office hours were taken over my Stefan and – for now – I was trying to work on my thesis from home, which was more difficult than it would appear.

For now I was just happy that he was alive.

The sound of the doorbell, followed by muffled greetings in the foyer pulled me from my thoughts and I had just wiped away an errant tear when Jasper walked into the kitchen.

"Hi Bella," he greeted, the scent of freshly baked bread emanating from the bag in his hands.

"Jasper," I nodded, elbow deep in a chicken. "How are things."

"Great," he sighed, leaning against the counter. "Need any help with that?" Judging by the look in his eyes – a mixture of curiosity and repulsion – the only thing he wanted was to know what the hell I was doing to the poor chicken.

"It looks worse than it is," I chuckled, guiding another handful of herb and breadcrumb stuffing into the chicken.

"It looked like sexual assault!" Jasper smirked. "I'm sure the poor bird didn't deserve that!"

"Just wait until you taste it," I chuckled, placing the chicken in the roasting tin and rubbing it will oil and seasoning before placing the tin in the oven. "So how are things?" I repeated. "You and Alice seem to be doing okay again."

"We're fine," Jasper shrugged. "I think what happened made us both realize that there are more important things than looking for the perfect gift."

"You gave her a book, Jazz!" I smirked, shaking my head at his stupidity.

"It was a book about clothes," Jasper countered. "Alice likes clothes."

"And _old_ book about clothes," I replied.

"Hey! You're acting like Ally is a fucking illiterate!' Jasper growled. "I thought it would be a nice sentiment to give her a book about the _history_ of_ fashion_. You know? Both our passions combined?"

"I know you meant well, Jazz," I sighed, arranging some appetizers on a plate. "But you could have known that Alice is into somewhat more…..wearable shows of affection. You could have gotten her a necklace or some earrings or something."

"You would have liked it," he mumbled.

"I would," I shrugged. "But then again…I'm an English Literature major. I like books."

"It's all so…..fucked up," he sighed. "I'm happy we're back to normal now."

"Don't you dare stick your head back in the sand again, Jasper Whitlock," I barked at him. "You know as well as I do that it's time to grow up or remain an immature frat boy all your life. Make your choice and make it soon, before it's too late."

"I know," he sighed. "I just need more time."

"You'll never learn, will you," I sighed, our talk being disrupted as Libby came running back into the kitchen.

"Uncle Jazzy!" she squealed, flinging her tiny body into his arms.

"How's daddy doing?" I asked as Jasper put her back down on her own two feet.

"He fell asleep before I even read one page!" Libby chuckled. "He must have been really sleepy."

"I bet," I chuckled. "Is he still sleeping now?"

"Yep," she nodded, sneaking over to the kitchen counter and grabbing a cherry tomato when she thought I wasn't paying attention. "I kept reading to him. I thought it would be nice for him to dream about Snow White and the seven dwarves. I don't know if it worked though because he started to snore all through my story."

"That was a nice thing to do sweetheart," I chuckled.

"I got bored after a while so I came back to see what you were doing," she continued. "He was still sleeping when I left."

"Good," I nodded. "Can you ask grandma to bring Masen over here? I think it may be time for his feeding."

"Sure mommy," she replied. "Can I help?'

"Of course," I chuckled.

"I think that's my cue to join the old folks in the study," Jasper chuckled. "That is….unless you have a sudden urge to flash me your boobs."

"Nope," I grinned. "Ain't gonna happen."

"Excellent choice of words for an English major," Jasper laughed as he opened the door to the study, almost bumping into Esme on his way out.

"Don't think I didn't hear you refer to Carlisle and me as the 'old folks'," she playfully scolded him, as she handed Masen over to me. "You're in for it now."

"Sorry ma'am," Jasper apologized, the lights dancing in his eyes. "It won't happen again."

"Apology noted and appreciated," Esme grinned, silently asking me if I had everything I needed before grabbing a bottle of white wine from the fridge and following Jasper into the family room.

With our house being as full as it had been for the last couple of days it had been difficult to get some privacy to feed my son. I know it may have made me look like a damn prude – and Emmett had made good use of that fact – but I just didn't feel comfortable whopping one of my boobs out in public, even if it was to feed my baby boy.

"There," I chuckled as I handed Masen over to Libby after burping him. "Will you be okay watching him while I go check on dinner?"

"Sure," Libby nodded, cooing at her brother as she took him and cradled him in her arms while the sounds of someone stumbling through the house alerted me to the fact that Edward was up again.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

My rest had done me good. Not that I needed it, by the way. I could feel myself getting stronger again every day. Not long now before I could get back to work.

I missed practicing medicine. The complexity of the procedures and adrenaline rush when you were in the midst of them were sorely missed as I struggled to get better as soon as I could. The thought that I was trapped in my bed all day while Garrett and Kate were out there, getting ahead of me made me gnaw my teeth in frustration.

I did like spending more time with my family though. If anything the events leading up to me being temporarily bedridden had made me realize once again how much I loved them. The thought that I might have lost them back there still make me break out in cold sweats and kept me awake late at night, when all I heard were Bella's deep, steady breaths as she slept on the other side of the bed.

I couldn't do that to them. It would be the ultimate act of selfishness to go and get myself killed while doing a job that was supposed to make a better future for them.

I had felt like a complete failure, watching as Bella fluttered around me all day for the last couple of days, devoting time she didn't have to my wellbeing. It should have been _me_ waiting on _her _hand and foot! Not the other way around. She was having a hard time as it was and here I went and got myself in a state that is only one level better than that of our newly born son. If I would have lost my teeth in the process the score would have been pretty much even.

I scrambled from the sofa, hopping around awkwardly for a few moments as I tried to find my balance before managing a somewhat normal strut as I walked out of the room in search of my wife, feeling better than I had done all week.

No problem at all.

I failed to see what Bella was making such a fuss about. Sure, I wasn't exactly up to running the New York marathon but I wasn't a complete wreck either!

I knew they meant well, but having the combined forces of Bella, Carlisle and Esme working against you was frustrating to say the least, especially when you yourself was perfectly able – and qualified – to establish your own physical health.

"You're back!" Bella chuckled as I hobbled over to her to kiss her forehead before hobbling back to the table to sit down and take Masen from Libby's arms. "I have to say you look a lot better than you did before."

"I feel a lot better than I did before," I admitted as Masen patted his hand against my face.

"I told you I was right," Bella nodded, a satisfied smile playing on her lips. "You needed rest."

"You may have been right this time," I grudgingly admitted, "but the next time you make our daughter hold me hostage there's going to be hell to pay."

"Why am I not the least bit scared of that?" she grinned, giving me a quick kiss as she walked past me towards on of the cabinets on the other side of the kitchen to get the tableware out. "Oh, right. It may be because you'd have a hard time outrunning me in that cast of yours!"

"But with your luck, you'd trip and fall before you've taken even five steps and I would have no trouble overtaking you, even with my leg broken and in a cast!" I laughed.

"Hmmm," she mused, her lips twitching as she tried to bit back her smile. "That might put a damper on the victory."

"Why don't you just admit it, love," I smiled. "You're never going to win!"

"I haven't given up hope yet," she pouted. "I know I'll be able to one-up you some day!"

"And I'll be ready and waiting!" I chuckled, kissing Masen on his nose.

Alice waltzed in about half an hour later, the kiss she and Jasper shared as a way of greeting making me look away with a mixture of disgust and relief. Disgust because the guy was sucking face with my little sister, relief because I had suspected they had been going through a rough patch lately and things seemed to have gone back to normal again.

"When will Em and Rose get here?"Alice asked, taking a sip from her wineglass while helping Libby create some kind of crafty design from bread, olives and tomato.

"Any minute now," Bella replied, her voice drowned out by the sound of the doorbell. "Well…when you speak of the devil!"

"I'll get it," Esme chuckled, rising from her seat to answer the door.

I smiled, watching the ease with which she moved around in our home. She had been such a lifesaver over the last couple of days, making sure Bella got enough rest and didn't sacrifice her own life to make mine better. She would be staying for another couple of days, just until I would be able to get around without assistance.

"If it isn't superman himself!" Emmett boomed, resting his hand on my shoulder as he and Rosalie took their seats at the table, Charlie placed in a high chair in between the two of them. "I'm glad you decided to come back from the dead to join the land of the living!"

"Why don't you cut with the superman crap!" I hissed. He had been nagging me about the whole superhero thing ever since I had woken up one day to find him sitting next to my bed arranging Batman action figures on the covers.

"You're a hero Eddie," Emmett grinned. "Just accept it!"

"I was only doing my f……"

"Edward!" Bella and Esme warned, pointing at Libby.

"Sorry," I sighed, taking a few calming breaths. "I was only doing my job. What should I have done? Saved my own damn ass and let the girl bleed to death?"

"Tell that to the newspapers," Rose snickered. "They have you pegged as some kind of miracle worker who leapt into a burning building and singlehandedly saved the senator's daughter from certain death."

"That's complete nonsense!" I huffed. I had avoided all newspapers and most news shows on television. I had no need to see my own face and whatever crap they had come up with about the accident in print or moving pictures. I had no idea it would have been this bad though.

"It's getting less though," Bella soothed, giving me a reassuring smile. "There aren't any stalkerazzi camping out in front of the house anymore. I have no doubt it will all blow over in a week or so."

"Not likely," Alice chimed in. "I know the McGregors, or – better said – I know Lavinia McGregor. If anyone is a sucker for attention it's her. She's going to milk this for everything it's worth and as long as she's able to 'leak' pictures of her kid lying in a hospital bed to the press, they aren't going to stop looking for the one who saved her life."

"The poor child," Esme sighed. "What kind of parent would do such a thing?"

"From what I heard the woman will stop at nothing to get her face in the news and with the elections coming up her husband isn't going to be doing anything to stop her. You should see what crap they've been spouting about the poor nanny."

"What about it?" I groaned, feeling the headache starting to play up again.

"When someone asked them how their precious little princess could have ended up sleeping in a bed on the other side of town from their swanky Park Avenue apartment Lavinia looked like her botoxed face would burst open with rage. She fed them some load of crap about the nanny having recently wandered up the wrong path and how they had warned her and were planning to fire her sorry ass as soon as they got back from their little retreat to the Hamptons," Alice explained. "They had no qualms though, leaving their child with her while they were getting busy."

"They've done every talk show and newspaper that would have them," Rose continued. "They really make me sick but apparently there are more than enough idiots out there who love this kind of stuff."

"People love a good spectacle," Jasper nodded. "It's why there's always just as much people running towards a disaster zone, than people running from it."

"Well, I think it's sick," Alice huffed, looking at the olive speared on her fork with a look of disgust.

"Of course it is, darlin'," Jasper replied, leaning in for a quick kiss. "But what are we going to do about it?"

"Tell the truth," Alice shrugged, her hand doing God knows what to Jasper under the table.

"And how would you do that?" Emmett chimed in. "Buy a bullhorn and yell it all over the Upper East Side? They'd have you shipped off to the funny farm before you even had time to match the damn thing with a cute little dress."

"You suck," Alice pouted. "And no, that wasn't my plan at all. I have more class than that."

"Then what's the master plan o great little one?" Emmett chuckled. "Please enlighten us brainless fools."

"It's simple," Alice shrugged. "Lavinia might be able to strut her lipo'ed ass all over daytime television but we can do the same. In fact….." she turned to me, looking like a cat who's set its cap at a particularly fat and tasty canary, "we've got the hero of the day."

"No," I growled. "You can beg, scream or pout at me for as long as you liked, but I'm not doing television shows."

"Too bad then that you're scheduled to appear on one next week, then!"

"Then you unscheduled me," I hissed. "I'm not doing it Alice. I'm serious."

"I'm doing no such thing," the annoying little devil's spawn growled. "You're going on there, even if it will be the death of me."

"Then start digging your grave, buttercup," I spat back. "Because there's more chance of hell freezing over than me doing you damn bidding."

"Children!" Esme intervened. "There will be no fighting at the dinner table. By God, I'm beginning to think Libby and Masen are the grownups here. They certainly know how to behave themselves a lot better than the two of you."

"Sorry mom," Alice pouted, trying to use her tiny little pixie charm on Alice.

Game on, sister dear.

"Sorry mom," I repeated after her, flashing her my most winning smile. "It won't happen again."

"Just eat your dinner," Esme huffed as she got up to help Bella put everything on the table.

Throughout dinner I struggled keeping up with the conversation as it flowed around me. The fight with Alice must have taken more of my strength than I thought because as dinner progressed I started feeling weaker by the second, down to the point where I had difficulty discerning the carrots on my plate from the chicken next to it. I had long since given up on trying to keep up with the conversation or even recognizing the voices as they spoke.

"Daddy looks a bit funny," I heard Libby whisper to someone – Bella? – sitting next to me. "Danny looked like that one day at lunch and then he threw up all over the table. It was gross."

"Edward?" I felt a soft hand being placed on my arm. "Are you okay?"

"I think I want to go lay down for a bit," I muttered, the room spinning around me as I tried to focus on my plate of food.

"It's okay," Bella whispered and I could feel the pressure of her lips when they brushed my temple. "Do you want me to help you up the stairs?"

"I think I might need it," I grudgingly admitted. I felt like my whole body had deflated. I was barely even able to lift up my arm long enough to bring my fork to my mouth. How the hell was I even going to be able to make it upstairs and into bed?

"Well, let's go then," Bella's soft voice spoke and I felt her tugging at my arm as I lifted my body out of my chair, the room spinning even harder as I tried to get my bearings. "Take good deep breaths and just focus on moving your feet," Bella whispered, keeping her voice low as she guided us out of the kitchen.

"Good night, Edward!" Alice's high voice sang behind me, followed by similar wishes from the rest of the family.

"Emmett must be having a blast," I hissed, through my teeth, noticing how the conversation had died out behind us. "I'm amazed he hasn't offered to carry me upstairs yet."

"Don't be a fool, Edward," Bella scolded, her grip on my arm tightening."Everyone's concerned for you, and believe me, if you'd have seen yourself right now you'd be as well."

"I bet," I panted, too focused on the task at hand to even be angry.

"We all know you, Edward," Bella replied, her voice still sounding annoyed as she carefully helped me up the stairs, one step at a time. "You're far too proud to accept help from anyone and – even though it's stupid and you're going to get yourself killed one day with your stubbornness – none of us want you to feel like we're looking down on you or disrespecting you. We all care for you."

"I know," I sighed, leaning back against the railing to catch my breath. "It's just so damn hard to be in need of help. I feel like a fucking baby."

"I know it's hard, honey," Bella sighed, helping me sit down on the stairs as we rested. "But just remember: if you listen to what your body is trying to tell you now, you'll be recovering much sooner than if you fight it."

"I think you'll make a better doctor than I do, love," I chuckled, reaching out beside me and pulling her delicate frame against me. The nearness of her and her comforting words and gestures did more good to my poor battered body than any medicine ever could.

"I'm a mother," she laughed along. "Excellent bedside manners come with the job."

"How about your manners inside the bed?" I smiled, wagging my eyebrows at her.

"You try getting up the stairs without help first, boy wonder," she playfully scolded. "And we'll see about that."

"Hey! I did fine on my own earlier!" I countered with mock indignation. "And we were doing quite well before I needed to take a breather."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, honey," Bella laughed, helping me as I hoisted myself up again. "We've only managed four steps in the last fifteen minutes."

"What?" I breathed, looking down to see she wasn't kidding. "But….."

"It's fine," she smiled. "We'll take as long as you want and if you're too tired you may even make my brother's day!"

"Never!" I groaned. Emmett would never let me live it down if I let him carry me to my bed. It would haunt me until the day I died. "Let's get going."

I managed to take the next four steps at a much quicker pace before the pain and exhaustion made me slow down again.

I had still had a long way to go.

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_**I know this is not the most exciting chapter in the story nor the best written one (I'm sorry for that, it's the best my overworked little brain could come up with at the moment) but it heralds the transition to the main events in the story that are going to kick off starting next chapter. I hope to have that one posted on time.**_

_**Next chapter: little girls and ghosts**_

_**For now….please review (and vote for xparawhorextwerdx'**__**s story in the Indie TwiFic Awards)**_


	11. Little girls and ghosts

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Once again my apologies for being a day late. I was out house hunting all day yesterday and got back late. The good thing is that it gave my beta the chance to work her magic on this chapter for which, as ever, I thank her from the bottom of my heart . **_

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**Little girls & ghosts**

_**October/November 2009**_

"Professor Cullen?" A musical voice asked as I felt something soft press on my shoulder. "Professor Cullen? You have a meeting with Professor Bell and Professor Tepes in ten minutes……I think you might want to wake up."

"Huh?" I pushed one eye open, zoning in on the page of the book my head was resting on.

"You've got that meeting in ten minutes," Jenny repeated calmly. "I figured it would be best if I woke you up before they found you in here, drooling all over Thomas Hardy, or before you walked into Bell's office with parts of _The Major of Casterbridge _printed all over your right cheek."

"Thanks," I groaned, rubbing my neck. "How long have I been asleep?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, grabbing a few things that had been pushed off the desk at some point. "I just came in. I've gotta go now. I've got to deliver these copies to Professor Lewis and you know how she gets when she has to wait…."

"Yeah," I nodded, still trying to get my bearings back. "Thanks again for waking me up."

"It's my job," Jenny shrugged. "Well….not quite….but you know what I mean. If you want to talk…."

"I know where to find you," I nodded. "Now go before old Molly throws a book at your head."

"You know….she did that once," Jenny giggled before she gathered her things and left. "Not to me – thank God – but to some poor guy who was in my first year English Lit class. Poor bloke transferred to Cornel as soon as he got the paperwork done."

Over the weeks I had really started to like Jenny. She was a very laid back kind of person and even though some of the professors could get pretty ugly when they weren't waited on hand and foot, she never let them get to her.

After meeting her on my first day back we had become closer. She liked to drop by every now and then and enlighten me with the latest faculty gossip or ask some things about papers and classes. I had even offered her the other side of my desk for when she needed to find a quiet spot to study after finishing work, an offer she had gratefully taken me up on. Most of the time, though, she would go find me with tea and some cookies she had stolen somewhere whenever she thought I'd need a break or nudge me back to the land of the living when I was completely spaced out. Like I had been just now….

Ugh.

I couldn't believe I had fallen asleep above my books. That kind of thing hadn't happened since the first month I had started back at university after Libby as born and even then I don't think I had ever slept as deep as I had been.

Damn! I wish I hadn't. Now my whole body was sore from having been in a strange position for God knew how long and I had a meeting with my superiors about some changes I wanted to make to a seminar I was going to be teaching over the spring semester.

"Ugh," I groaned, looking in the mirror that hung on one of the walls. I looked like death warmed up. My hair, which had actually cooperated today, was all flat and looking like it had been slept on – how surprising – on one side and a tangled mess on the other and I found that Jenny hadn't been joking earlier. I actually had letters smeared all over my left cheek.

Great.

I sorted out the mess that was me as quickly and adequately as I could before heading over to Stefan's office with minutes to spare, looking no doubt like I had just been summoned up at a séance.

**xXx**

A couple of hours later I was back in my office, munching on a sandwich I had bought on my way back, while trying to focus on poor Elizabeth-Jane Newson getting her heart trampled on by Donald Farfrae when a sharp tap on the door demanded my attention.

"Professor Cullen?" a piercing voice asked, though perhaps 'calling' was the wrong word for what Jane did, demanding in a questioning voice would have been better.

"Yes, Jane?" I half spoke, half growled, swallowing my last bite of pastrami sandwich. "You know I only hold office on Tuesdays and Thursdays between one and three. Is there something important you need to discuss with me?"

"I'm not waiting until Tuesday," she huffed. "It's Friday now. _Friday_. That means it would take me five days to get my question answered."

"You could have sent me an e-mail," I shrugged.

"You gave me a C for my paper on _Northanger Abbey_," she huffed, ignoring my remark. "I want to know why and I'm not waiting until Tuesday."

"Too bad," I replied, trying to hide my amusement, "because I'm not discussing this with you at this moment, especially not if you just barge in and demand to be heard. If you want to discus the paper you can either sign up for next Tuesday or find a computer and send me an e-mail."

"I'm not putting up with this!" Jane hissed, the steam almost billowing from her ears. "Just wait until my father heard of this."

"Give him my best," I chuckled, waving her out. "And tell him the head of the department is most eager to hear of him."

"You……"

"Choose your words carefully Jane," I warned. "Now get out of my office. The sign up sheet for next Tuesday's office hours is on the bulletin board next to the door." My heart was pounding in my chest as I turned my attention back to the book I was reading, trying to make it look like her behavior wasn't affecting me at all.

I knew victory was mine the moment I heard her mutter some profanity under hear breath followed by the slamming of the door. I slumped down in my seat with a huge grin on my face. Apparently arrogance did help. In fact….it made me feel good.

Very good indeed. If only my head would stop pounding…..Well, at least some Tylenol would fix that last problem.

The rest of the afternoon passed without further incident. I managed to wrestle trough the rest of _The Major of Casterbridge_ with my grin still in place and even went as far as to drop by Stefan's office on the way out to relay the good news to him.

"This is a call for celebration, my dear," he smiled, pointing to one of the sofa's standing in the corner of his large office. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable while I put the kettle on?"

"Well….actually," I started, thinking of my family back home.

"Relax," Stefan smiled, patting my arm as he went on search of water for his new electric kettle. "Your family isn't going to disown you if you're half an hour late…."

"I guess not," I sighed. Edward and Libby probably weren't even home yet and – if everything went according to schedule – Masen would still be napping for another hour or so. It might even be better to let him sleep instead of yanking him out of his crib and hauling him over to our home.

Edward was taking Libby with him to the hospital today. It would be the first time he went back there after he had been discharged a little under two weeks ago. Sending Libby with him had been one of my smartest decisions of late, if I may say so myself. It ensured me that Edward wouldn't go rushing into anything too fast, like he had done with dinner the other day. In the end he had taken quite a step backwards that night he had had to spend the next day in bed. Getting caught up in surgical talk and procedures would definitely not be a good thing for him right now.

Libby was actually very excited about getting to see Amy today. The little girl was doing much better since they had transferred her off the ICU and her parents were finally letting her have some peace and quiet. I felt for her. Not only were her legs mashed up pretty bad which meant that for the next period she would be in and out of hospital to get reconstructive surgery which meant walking, much less riding, would probably be out of the question. With her dad being the newly elected senator and her mom living the life of the 'ladies who lunch' and not really being interested in her own child apart from the media coverage she could get out of her, she would probably left at the mercy of some new nanny.

I growled to myself as I thought about the poor girl. People like her parents should be banned from ever having children! They just saw them as some kind of accessory that could be flaunted in front of their friends whenever it suited them and stashed away with some nanny for the rest of the year while they were living the life of the rich and famous.

At least that was one thing we were doing better. Sure, in an ideal world we'd be spending much more time with Libby and Masen than we were doing now, but at least we were there when they needed us and one of us would always be available to tuck them in at night.

With Edward being up and about again, though severely frustrated by the limitations his cast meant to his mobility, he tried to make things easier for me by taking the kids with him on trips to the park or somewhere else so that I cold have some peace and quiet to study or prepare for classes. He had even tried to cook dinner a few times, though after eating green tomato soup and lamb chops that were so rare you could almost hear to poor animal bleating if you listened closely, we had concluded that was probably not the best of ideas.

I loved having him around all the time. It made me realize just how much I had missed him in the weeks leading up to his accident. We had both been so busy with work and making sure our kids didn't suffer because of our careers that we hardly ever got to spend time together as a couple anymore.

Still….all of this time we had been spending together was bittersweet because I knew that, as much as Edward loved being with us, he was dying to get back to the hospital and back into the race for the fellowship. Standing by the sideline, listening to stories about difficult procedures Garrett and Kate told on their visits made him frustrated to the point that he'd snap at anyone near him for a couple of hours after they'd left.

I worried about him….a lot, even though some times he drove me up the wall.

I guess it really was true what they said about doctors making the worst patients in the world. Especially after Esme had left he had gotten more stubborn about his own abilities by the day, something that had only been heightened by the media appearances he had had to make over the last couple of days.

After he had successfully evaded Alice's plans to launch a counter offensive against Amy's parents, House had moved in with his own – unsuspected – plans, Apparently someone over at the Public Relations department had told him just how much free publicity and new donations the hospital could stand to gain off Edwards new found fame which had led to House rounding up just about every available photographer and journalist in the Tri-State area. My poor Edward had tried to explain time and time again that he had only been doing his job and that any half decent doctor would have done the same but he had been fighting a lost battle from the start. The people liked their heroes, especially if that hero was as good looking as my man was.

At least with the elections behind us – McGregor had won by a landslide – and Amy being released from hospital next week things would probably die down again soon. Or so I hoped….

"So how are things going for you?" Stefan asked, coming back into his office with a tray steaming cups of tea and some cookies. "How is Edward's recovery going?"

"He's doing well," I nodded. "His injuries are healing nicely and apart from the broken leg, you can't really tell what happened any more."

"I'm glad to hear that," he nodded. "And how about the lovely Miss Darcy Elizabeth?"

"Still making her poor teacher's life a living hell," I chuckled, remembering how her teacher had complained that, though she was a very bright and good natured little girl her tendency to always question everything was becoming a bit problematic. "I have a feeling she's going to be one of the best lawyers this country has even had when she grows up."

"With parents like hers, it's not that surprising that she has a good set of brains in her head," Stefan chuckled. "And – of course - she has to live up to the names of the characters she was named after."

"I don't care, as long as she will be happy," I smiled. "I'm just happy I opted for my two favorite characters and not for the name of the author. That name is now forever tainted by association!"

"It is a shame that people all over New York will be forever discarding a good, traditional name like Jane just because of Aro Volturi's nasty offspring," Stefan laughed along. "And what about the young lad?"

"He's growing faster than Alice can buy clothes for him," I replied. "I swear he looks bigger every time I come back from work."

"I remember how fast they grow at that age……," Stefan said. "My Viola seemed to change from a baby into a young girl in only a matter of seconds."

"That might have had something to do with the fact that you were hiding out in your office, though!" I laughed.

"I had work to do….Shakespeare to unravel," he defended. "That's not something you can do on a whim. The true art of the master's words can only be appreciated through long studies and careful contemplation."

"Oh, the hardships of being a scholar!" I teased, rolling my eyes at him.

"Yes…..." he mused. "I called at your office earlier today to see if you could help me print out some e-mail a colleague from Harvard had sent me but I found you quite…..engrossed in your work."

"You saw that?" I squeaked, my face heating up with embarrassment. "I didn't…..I mean……I had a rough night lat night. Masen kept waking up and….."

"It's alright, Bella my dear," he chuckled. "I was only going to suggest that if you need your rest you might want to try the sofa in Vladimir's room. He's hardly ever there anyway and I have a spare key….."

"That won't be necessary," I interrupted him, hoping he was just teasing me. "I'm just….tired. As I said….Masen had a bad night, nothing that won't be helped with a good night's sleep."

"I won't insult you by saying I know how you feel," he replied, patting my arm. "I lack the ability to bring a child into this world and even though I have four children of my own, I have to admit that I have been severely lacking in my parenting skills. I was fortunate enough, however, to have found the sweetest of wives who was able and willing to fill in the gaps my hiding out in my office left at home……" he grinned mischievously over the edge of his cup as I shot him a reproofing look. Poor Mrs. Bell! "I know how difficult it is to be starting out in the academic field and trying to secure a spot among the university faculty,' he added. "Therefore I can only begin to imagine how hard this must be for you."

"I'll manage," I sighed. "I was just starting to get into some sort of routine when the accident happened. I'm sure that with everything slowly going back to normal again it will all work out in another week or so. I'm running behind on my thesis as it is, but I'm sure I'll be able to catch up in during winter recess."

"Don't overexert yourself," he stated, his eyes letting me know that he would be watching me closely. "Be sure to get plenty of rest and relaxation. I would tell you to take a step backward and take some more time to complete your thesis, but I know that for now you want to remain stubborn. Just know that we are all behind you."

"Thanks," I croaked, fighting back the tears as I placed the delicate China back on the table. "I need to head home now. My sister in law will be wondering where I went."

"Have a nice weekend Bella," Stefan smiled, helping me back into my coat and handing me my bag before escorting me out of his office. Always the gentleman.

"You too," I smiled.

I knew everyone was just being kind with their worries about how I was coping but, truth be told, it was really starting to annoy me. Sure, I was tired, more than tired even, but I did manage. I was sure that if the accident hadn't happened I would have found my rhythm by now. As it was I would just have to wait a few more weeks to get everything settled to a somewhat normal kind of state, but I had no doubt that I would be able to do it. By the time December would come around everything would be normal again.

I picked up Masen from Rose's before heading back home. The moment I opened the door Libby came bounding towards me, her eyes huge with excitement and untold stories as her curls bounced around her.

"I take it you had a nice day?" I grinned, letting her hold Masen while I peeled off my coat and hung it in the closet.

"I did, mommy," she nodded, with more self control than I would have held her capable off. It must have been because she had Masen in her arms and was afraid she'd drop him if she got too carried away. "Daddy showed me all around the hospital and everyone was so nice to me….well, except for the scary doctor with the blue eyes. I didn't like him very much."

"Did he say something?" I asked, my anger stirring in my chest at the thought that bastard House would have hurt my little girl's feelings.

"No," she shrugged, handing Masen back to me, "but he looked at me in a strange way, almost like he was scared of me, or like I had just vomited all over the hospital or something….He really is strange mommy."

"He is," I chuckled, making a mental note to ask Edward what that had all been about. "So did you get to meet Amy?"

"She's so nice," Libby squealed, "we had to wait at first because there was a man who wanted to take pictures of her and then Amy's mom wanted daddy to be in the pictures as well and daddy almost got into a fight with her when he refused but when Amy's mom walked the photographer out we got to talk and she told me all about the horses at the riding school in Central Park and how she wanted to teach me how to ride because she promised daddy she would but she didn't think it would work because she still can't use her legs and her parents are thinking about moving to Washington and….."

"Sweetheart, please, take a breath for mommy," I chuckled as I watched her face almost turn blue with the spew of words that was flying out of her mouth. "Let's just head into the living room so we can sit down and you can tell me all about your talk with Amy in a calm quiet way."

"Okay," she nodded, taking my free hand and dragging Masen and me into the living room with a force I didn't know her thin little arms possessed. I was starting to wonder if my big brother had been sneaking her into the gym.

"Where's daddy?" I asked as we entered an empty living room, the TV blaring the well known sounds of _Finding Nemo_ through the room.

"In the study," Libby explained, pointing towards the closed sliding doors. "He had to read something for work and he told me I could watch _Finding Nemo_ again when I was finished with my homework."

"He did, huh?" I replied, annoyed that apparently spending quality time with his daughter meant he could plant her in front of the television so that he could lock himself away in the other room with one of his medical journals.

"…..and he has been acting a bit funny ever since we got back," she added, her frown deepening as she glanced at the closed sliding doors to the study.

"What did he do, sweetie?" I asked.

"Well, he made us lemonade and cookies and helped me get started on my homework but when I was trying to solve a very difficult math problem I heard all this noise coming from the foyer and when I went in to take a look daddy was trying to hop up and down the stairs with a very funny look on his face."

"What did he tell you?" I said, trying to hold back the laughter. I had a very good idea of what it was that Edward had been trying to do and why.

"He said that since he couldn't go to uncle Emmett's gym to work out he had to do it at home," Libby replied.

"Hmm," I grinned. "Let me just say a quick hello to daddy and grab a few bits of that chocolate Aunt Alice brought us yesterday and you can tell me all about your day, okay?"

"I thought I couldn't have candy before dinner?" Libby grinned.

"Snooty behavior doesn't suit a little lady like you," I playfully scolded as I slid the doors to the study open. "And don't get used to it."

"Don't get used to what?" Edward asked, lifting his head up from the books and papers spread out in front of him.

"Dumping your child in front of the television for example," I scolded. "What kind of quality time do you call that?"

"Sorry," he mumbled, his nose almost touching the pages of the medical journal in front of him. "It's just that…Garrett cleared me to start working half shifts again next week and though I know I won't be seeing the inside of an OR until I can get this damn cast of my leg…I just want to be prepared…catch up…know what I mean?"

"I do know what you mean," I said, walking up behind him and placing my hands on his shoulders. "But I would have preferred it if you waited with the research until I got back. Libby's been watching too much television as it is…"

"I know," he sighed, his upside down pout affecting me just as much as any other. "I just couldn't stop myself. You know how hard it has been for me to sit by and watch Kate and Garrett get ahead of me."

"Did House say anything about the fellowship?" I asked.

"Not a thing," he said, turning around in his seat and pulling me into his lap. "But then again…I only saw him for a few seconds. There had been a pile up on the 87 and they were all busy taking care of the casualties. I didn't speak to anyone apart from Garrett. And that was only because he had to do my check up."

"It must have been hard to see that," I sighed, leaning my forehead against his. "Did Libby…"

"No, she didn't see a thing," he replied. "And yes….it was pretty hard. Not just because I want that fellowship. God no! I became a doctor because I wanted to cure the ill. Knowing that you got what it takes to heal people but being powerless to do anything is just about the hardest thing I ever had to do."

"But you did have some fun?" I weaved my fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp, as I placed kisses all over his face. As he sighed and leaned into my touch I could feel the tension and frustration starting to slip from his body.

"I did," he admitted. "Watching Libby and Amy together was fun. The girl has had a pretty devilish time lately; she deserved to have some laughs with a girl her own age. It's something she's been severely lacking for God knows how long."

"Libby told me about the altercation with her mother…."

"Don't talk to me of that bitch," he growled. "She isn't even interested in Amy. All she sees is media coverage and attention. She _uses_ her daughter's injuries as a means to an end…."

"Shh," I soothed, keeping my own anger locked down as I saw how the anger and frustration was affecting my husband. "I know you're doing what you can to help her…."

"I wish I could do more."

"Use the time you're not spending cooped up in an OR to go visit her," I suggested. "At least that way she will have someone to talk to other than her ghastly mother and the photographers that woman brings in."

"Good idea," he mused, his lips finding mine for a quick kiss.

"I have to get back to Libby," I sighed. "She's dying to tell me all about her afternoon."

"I'll finish up in here and order some Chinese when I'm done," he nodded, squeezing me tight before letting me go. "You look tired."

"I would have been able to cook," I countered, standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Believe me," he grinned, his green eyes blazing into mine as he flashed me his crooked grin. "You're going to need your energy later on…."

"Ah, right," I chuckled, leaning my head over my shoulder to shoot him a knowing look as I exited the room. "Libby told me all about your sudden fascination for stairs…."

**xXx**

He had been playing the seduction game all afternoon, his eyes raking over my body when he knew I was watching him, his smoldering eyes meeting mine when I looked at him…….By the time dessert came by I was ready to strip off and beg for him to take me on the countertop, kids or no kids.

"So what do you want to do tonight?" he purred as I collected the dirty plates and dishes from the table.

Damn bastard knew pretty well that there was only one thing – or better said: one person – I wanted to do tonight but I couldn't very well say that in front of Libby.

"How about you help Libby with her reading while I clean up the kitchen and take care of Masen and when I'm done we'll go play a game of _Scrabble_."

"Can we use the grownup side?" Libby squealed, her enthusiasm drowning out the exasperated groan Edward emitted at the mention of the word Scrabble.

I had gotten the game for Libby when she was starting to learn how to form letters into words. The children's version of it had a beginners stage with the stones consisting of words that had to be matched up to the pictures of those words on the game board, the advanced version looked much more like the 'grownup' game. The competitive element of the game had really gotten to her, to the point where she almost wanted to play it every night.

We had to be stern with her, though, since she had a habit of behaving really ugly when she wasn't winning, and she wasn't the only one……Between Edward and Libby playing board games always ended up in World War III with me getting stuck in the middle like a UN peacekeeper.

Why did I suggest Scrabble again?

Oh yes, right. To keep my mind off Edward and his maddening stares.

I let my mind wander while loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I must have been somewhere far, far away because I didn't even notice another person coming into the kitchen until I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist while I stood bend over the machine.

"Hmmm," he purred, his hands ghosting over my thighs. "What do you say we try this exact same position without clothes in a couple of hours?"

"And have you crash on top of me half way through because your poor leg can't take it?" I quipped, trying not to show how much his touch affected me. "I guess not…..If we're going to do this tonight – and that's still a big if – you're going to have to bend to my will, mister."

His hands snaked up from my thighs, locked around my chest and pulled me up so that my back was pressed into his chest. "Bella…." he hummed, his voice reverberating through my skin as his lips ghosted over the skin left uncovered by my sweater. "You know how much I love it when you boss me around."

"Then you are going to love what I have in store for you," I purred, brushing my nose along his jaw.

"What do you say we skip Scrabble, tuck the kids in for an early night and you can show me just what it is that you have in store for us…." He whispered, his lips marking the skin of my neck as I felt his arousal pushing against my rear through our clothes.

For a moment I felt like giving in. It had been long – way too long – since we had had sex and my body was screaming for release. The kind of release only Edward could deliver. I knew it had been hard for him as well. We had had a few close calls over the last week, when he was starting to feel better again but between his body having taken the hit it had, Garrett's strict order of rest and the memory of what Edward had looked like that night I had had to carry him up the stairs, I had always managed to listen to the voice of reason in my head, telling me to pull away at the right moment.

"Nice try mister," I chuckled, trying to escape his iron grasp. "But I doubt even you can convince Libby to bail out on Scrabble. And anyway….good things come to those who wait."

"You know I'm not a patient man, Bella," he growled, tightening his grip as I tried to pry his arms away. "I will have my revenge….."

"Bring it," I quipped, swallowing hard in a vain attempt to hide my true feelings. "And you might want to take a few minutes before you head back out there," I added, pointing at his still very obvious hard on. "That is…unless you want to give Libby the sex talk right now."

"You're never going to let me forget that, will you?" he groaned, adjusting his pants and taking deep breaths to get rid of his 'situation.'

"Nope," I giggled, closing the dishwasher door and pushing a few buttons to get the thing started. "Just be glad I never told Emmett."

"Evil woman,' he grumbled, swatting my ass as I walked past him into the study where Libby was setting up the board game, the lights twinkling in her eyes.

Roughly two and a half hours, one extremely frustrated Libby and a completely flustered self later I was locked up in the bathroom, changing into something less comfortable but infinitely more sexy than my sweats while my horny husband was waiting for me on the bed a couple of feet away. I knew I had been in for some teasing after the incident in the kitchen. However nothing had prepared me for one hour of double entendres and piercing stares.

He had looked so bloody innocent when he had laid out the letters to 'coming', adding a double word value to his score as he shot me a smoldering look from across the table. I knew better, though, especially when he followed it by 'multiple', 'bang', 'screw' and 'ride'. All perfectly innocent words, none of which would alarm our seven year old little girl sitting in between us, but all of them, combined with the looks he gave me, enough to bring me to critical combustion level.

At least I could pay him back in kind. Starting right now.

For once I was glad of Alice's habit of leaving little 'presents' in my lingerie drawer. It gave me something else to wear instead of my usual comfortable yet completely sexless panties and bra's. The item I had selected for tonight was a red and black jacquard corset with lacey frills on the edges and matching panties. The fact that my stomach, still, not quite back to its pre-baby flatness, was hidden made me feel a little more confident than usual, a fact I could use given what I planned to do tonight.

I knew Edward loved it when I took control in the bedroom though between his much more knowledgeable status when it came to sex and my shyness it wasn't a very common occurrence.

I shot one last look in the mirror, checked to see if everything was still in place, before opening the door to find the room dark, a soft light shimmering from the candles Edward had lit around the room.

"Like what you see?' I purred, trying to make my voice low and seductive as I entered his view.

"God," he gasped, his eyes going wide as saucers. "Very much so….Come here."

"Na-uh," I teased. "Tonight I'm in control, remember? Just sit back, relax and try not to stroke out on me."

"Funny, Bella," he smirked, his eyes never leaving my cleavage. "Funny."

"What's funny about my boobs, Edward?" I quipped. "I mean…….we could easily do this some other time if you're not up to it…."

"Believe me, Bella," he crooned, his eyes scorning into mine, making me unsteady on my feet as he sat up a little straighter and started unbuttoning his shirt. "I'm very much up to it. If you'd bother to come a little closer I could show you how much so…"

"All talk," I purred, taking a few steps closer and letting my hand trail up the fabric covering his good leg.

"All tease," he snickered, guiding my hand upwards to the erection that was straining in his pants.

"Did I tell you to move?" I scolded, swatting his hands away as my hands got busy unbuttoning his pants. "I will have to think of a punishment for you…"

I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed as he no doubt tried to think of the kind of punishment I had in story for him while I lowered his pants and boxers down his legs, Edward now lying in front of me in full naked glory.

"Do you want to be punished, Edward?' I purred, trailing my hand back up over his bare legs. "Do you like it when I'm being rough with you?"

"I….uhm," he groaned, his breathing shallow and eyes diluted as he kept them fixed on my hands which were nearing his groin.

"Answer me," I pressed, trying to make my voice sound strict and slightly annoyed when all I felt was giddiness and an overall sense of empowerment.

"Y-yes," he stuttered, moving his hands underneath his body to keep himself from touching me as I trailed my finger along his shaft, his member twitching as my hand made contact with it. "Yes, Bella," he groaned. "I fucking love it when you're rough with me."

"Dirty boy," I scolded, placing a quick kiss on his tip before climbing onto the bed and straddling his waist, my clothed center making contact with his erection.

"Bella," he whined, his hands moving upwards as if to wrap around my hips but thinking better of it at the last moment. "Please…."

"Well," I grinned, turning around and leaning forward so that I could wrap my lips around his erection. "If you ask me that nicely…how can I refuse?"

I set a slow pace, looking over my shoulder every now and then to find him completely entranced with the sight in front of him. Looking, but not touching.

"Don't just stand there watching," I scolded, trailing my tongue along the veins of his shaft. "Get to it, action man."

"Like you fucking need to ask," he growled, ribbing the fabric of my panties from my body and throwing it across the room. My lament for the loss of a pair of nice underwear and the waste of money quickly forgotten as his tongue made contact with my center, darting in and out of my core as his thumb rubbed circles along my clit.

"God," I moaned around him as he replaced his mouth with his fingers, his lips tugging on my bundle of nerves. I was close, already, but I wanted him to come along with me. I was fighting a lost cause however. A determined Edward was never beaten and it seemed this night he was determined to get me off before him.

"Edward," I moaned, as I felt myself clench around his fingers, the vibrations my moans caused setting off his own release.

"Fuck, Bella," he hissed as I swallowed around him, rolling on to my side next to him as we both came down from our highs.

"What set that off?" he chuckled. "I don't think I've ever seen you this forceful before? Not that I mind of course?"

"What makes you think I'm already done?' I chuckled, kissing my way back up to his lips, both of us battling for dominance as our kiss grew more heated before I pulled away, gasping for air. "That was only round one…"

"And what, my lovely wife, do you still have in store for me?" he asked.

"Round two?" I suggested coyly, my hands starting to open the front clasps of the corset.

"No," he groaned, his hands swatting mine away. "Keep it on."

My self-consciousness struck hard for the teeniest hint of a moment, telling me he wanted me to keep the corset on because he couldn't stand to watch my naked form, then the more grounded side of my brain countered that it might also be because I looked sexy in this corset.

"Just be a good boy, lie back and let me take care of that," I chuckled, dispelling my somber thoughts as I pointed at his rehardened shaft as I straddled him again and positioned him at my entrance, both of us groaning as I slid down on him.

"God, Bella," he panted as I set the pace. "You look fucking hot."

I guess that solved my questions.

His hands reached up to massage my breast through the fabric of the corset, the friction the soft silk caused to my overheated skin driving me almost insane.

"So…..close," I panted, increasing the speed of my hips. "Don't stop….."

"Never," he growled, one hand snaking down my stomach to the place where we were joined and making contact with my throbbing clit. "Fuck Bella….come……now."

"Jesus!" I shrieked, throwing my head back as I came hard, my whole body shaking with the force of my climax.

"Fuck!" I heard Edward hiss somewhere in the distance as I felt him empty himself inside me.

"I love you,' I muttered against his chest, kissing every bit of skin I could reach as I felt my body doze off while Edward arranged the blankets around us.

"I love you too, my angel," he whispered, kissing the top of my head before settling back against the pillows, his arms wrapping around me in a comforting embrace. "My Bella."

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

I was getting better every day. I could feel my body going back to normal again.

Finally.

Just a few more weeks until I could get this damn cast off my leg and I would be doing what I did best again. Difficult surgeries, heart surgery, God, how I missed it.

Over the last two weeks – since I had started working again – they had let me ease back into work, starting out with prepping, aftercare and patient monitoring and going on to minor procedures later on. I could have cried that first time I was allowed back into an OR, even if it was just to assist and only for an hour. My leg was hurting like a hell by the time Wilson kicked me out but that didn't matter. The only thing that did was that I was finally getting back into the saddle.

Back into the game.

I had been so impatient to go back to work. Sitting at home all day, hearing stories about patients and procedures and just the general goings on at the hospital when Kate and Garrett called or dropped by, had made me cranky and whiny like a little bitch. The fact that Bella was suffering because of it had made me feel even worse. She had suffered so much already with me almost killing myself on duty and needing constant care in the week that followed and here I was, making life even harder for her……

At least things appeared to be going better for her again. The dark lines underneath her eyes were still there, but with Masen generally being a sound sleeper and her first semester as a college professor well underway I could see she was starting to get into some kind of routine. She still had me worried though….

I could see her struggling, even though she was too stubborn to admit it. It wasn't just that she was tired all the time, on some days it was almost as if the spark had left her body. As if she was just dragging herself from one obligation to the next. At least we hadn't been having too much of those kind of days lately. I didn't know if I could stand having more of those, to be honest.

It made me feel even guiltier for not spending as much time with her as I should have. For focusing on my job when my wife was suffering at home.

I sighed. At least I knew I had her full support in this. She would kick my ass if she ever found out I was having second thoughts. If anything she had been pushing me to work more over the last couple of weeks. She knew it would take me a lot of work and dedication to make up for my absent attitude over the months when Bella was in the final stages of her pregnancy and Masen had just been born. Even more, if I wanted to be a contender for the fellowship.

She knew how much I wanted it and would do everything in her power to help me achieve my dream. Even if it meant hurting herself. Giving up now would be a worse blow to her than if I never came back home until the fellowship was granted. I was doing this for her. For us.

Liar.

I was doing this for me.

Selfish bastard that I was.

"Edward! Katie and I are going to grab some coffee downstairs. Are you coming with us?" Garrett hollered from across the corridor, startling me from my thoughts.

"Give me a minute," I yelled back. "I just need to check on a patient."

"We'll be downstairs," he nodded, pressing the elevator button.

I slipped into the room for a quick check of Mr. Banner's vitals before heading back out to join Kate and Garrett downstairs. Mr. Banner had been doing much better since his operation about a month ago. The LVAD had taken over where his battered heart had been severely lacking and he had bounced back from the surgery much stronger than he was before. Now all he needed was a new heart and he could go back to his life. That last thing was easier said than done though. Since he had a very unusual blood type.

Kate and Garrett were already waiting in line when I got there.

"If it isn't doctor McDogood gracing us with his presence," Kate smirked, her hostility not being lost on me.

"What's with the passive aggressive attitude McBoobs?" I retorted. "I thought we had agreed not to do this?"

"That was until you did the hero thing and got famous," she huffed. "Nowadays I'm even wondering why I fucking bother to do Caius' bidding when the fellowship has already been given."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I snarled, looking at Garrett for an explanation. He just rolled his eyes and shrugged, putting his hand on Kate's shoulder to calm her down.

"Do you really think they are going to give this fellowship to me or Garrett with you gracing the cover of every fucking magazine or newspaper on the East Coast?" she snarled. "The publicity has raked in more money than every charity campaign they've come up with over the last ten years. They are not going to let you go Eddie. They'd be stupid to do so."

"Do you really think I did it all on purpose?" I yelled, dragging my hand through my hair. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Do you think I pushed that fucking truck off the bridge and almost got myself killed just so that I could get the fellowship?"

"You sure didn't exactly dodge publicity afterwards," she spat back, her eyes tightening to tiny slits as she pushed Garrett's warning hand off her shoulder.

"You think I planned it?" I growled. "For crying out loud, Kate! You know as well as I do that it was House all the way. He wanted the publicity for the hospital so he let that vile McGregor woman come in with all of her photographers and journalists. Do you really think I wanted my face in print? That I wanted to have people camping out in front of my home, scaring my kids and making life for Bella even harder? God…I'm beginning to think those ER nurses were right when they called you McBitchy!"

"Calm down Katie," Garrett warned, pulling Kate backwards when for a moment it seemed like she was going to slap me. "Relax, take a breather. That's your friend you're talking to."

"Fuck you, Garrett!" she growled, slapping his hand away for the second time before turning back to me. "And fuck you too!" With that she stormed out, leaving a trail of gawking bystanders behind.

"I'm sorry about that," Garrett sighed. "She's been working all hours over the last couple of weeks, picking up most of the extra shifts your sick leave has left open, only to have House raving on and on about the accident and how much money it earned the hospital."

"I get that," I nodded. "But why does she have to take it out on me?"

"She can't take it out on House….."

"True," I sighed.

"Look," he replied, ordering large espresso's for both of us. "I'm not asking you to simply forget about what happened. Hell, if she weren't my girl and, well, a girl, I would have probably kicked the ever lovin' crap out of her for saying the stuff she did, but I am asking you to go a little easy on her cause she's my girl and all and I love her like shit even though she can be a bit bitchy sometimes."

"A bit?"

"Okay, a whole fucking lot."

"I'll try,' I nodded, taking a large gulp of the scalding hot liquid. "But all bets are off if she starts going for round two."

"Understood," he nodded, patting my back before heading back out into the lobby.

I guess this meant that the clean fight had officially ended.

The rest of the day went by much more relaxed than it had started. Garrett had persuaded Kate to go home after her outburst at the coffee bar and with House stuck in meetings all day everyone was acting much more relaxed than usual.

"Doctor Cullen," I let out a very girly type of squeal when Nurse Farley appeared behind me from out of nowhere. "There's someone waiting for you at the front desk."

"Really?" I wondered if maybe Bella had come to visit me. It was about dinner time and she did sometimes drop off something healthy for me to eat instead of having to submit me to hospital cafeteria food. "Who is it?"

"Do I look like your personal assistant?" nurse Farley huffed. "If you want to know I suggest you drag your lazy ass down to the front desk to see for yourself. She said she was an old friend."

Now I was really starting to wonder who it might be. An old friend? A woman? Could it be Carmen? I hadn't seen or heard from her in years but maybe with my face being plastered all over the news for a couple of days she would have remembered me and wanted to get in touch.

"I'm not going to get her for you, if that's what you were going to ask me next," Nurse Farley warned, giving me another depreciative glare before she turned and left.

She turned around the moment I entered the reception area, her large, steel blue eyes dancing with mischief as she walked up to me and placed a kiss on my cheek before I could stop her, her fingers wiping away the stain her lipstick had left as she stepped back to take a look at me.

When she spoke, that same familiar hint of a Russian accent lent that danger to her voice that had once served to make me go completely crazy. "Well, hello there Edward," she purred. "How long has it been? Ten years? More?"

"You should know," I growled, back away from her until I felt the hardwood of the counter press against my back. "You left me, remember?"

* * *

_**Insert evil grin.**_


	12. Secrets & Lies

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**As always much thanks to my wonderful beta xparawhorextwerdx for fixing my errors. **_

_**I hope this chapter will explain a lot about the 'mystery woman' though I'm well aware that it will also create new questions. The chapter is a combination of 'present day' and flashbacks. The flashbacks (in italic) take place during Edward's darker years so, like in chapter 5, we will see a much different Edward in those bits. **_

* * *

**Secrets and lies**

_**November 2009/ spring 1999**_

She turned around the moment I entered the reception area, her large, steel blue eyes dancing with mischief as she walked up to me and placed a kiss on my cheek before I could stop her, her fingers wiping away the stain of her lipstick as she stepped back to take a look at me. When she spoke, that same familiar hint of a Russian accent lent that danger to her voice that had once served to make me go completely crazy.

"Well, hello there Edward," she purred. "How long has it been? Ten years? More?"

"You should know," I growled, back away from her until I felt the hardwood of the counter press against my back. "You left me, remember?"

"Right," she chuckled, stalking closer to me again. "I should have expected that one."

"What are you doing here?" I snarled, silently chastising myself for letting her push me into a corner like that.

"I come in peace," she laughed, no doubt amused by my hostility. "Really, Edward, I just want to talk to you."

I contemplated telling her to leave me the fuck alone and mind her own damn business, but I knew it would only make matters worse. I had seen the way she looked at me when she first recognized me, that same predator look I had seen her use on me before, ten years ago. She wasn't going to let go without an explanation. I knew her too well. She was like me.

Like the old me.

**xXx**

"_So where do you want to go for Spring Break?" Carmen asked one Friday night when we were all sitting down for our 'family' dinner. "It's my last bash before I graduate so we'd better make it good." _

_I had moved in with them after my first year at Dartmouth and my life had been fucking amazing ever since. Between the easy sex, easy drugs and lots of rock and roll it was every young man's fantasy and I was hell bent on living the life for as long as I could, reproofing stares from Carlisle and Esme be damned. _

_For as long as the house had been there had been only one tradition (other than the rule about sharing everything): Friday nights were 'family' nights. That meant that every late Friday afternoon our party of seven would dress up to the nines and walk in procession to the dining room to enjoy the finest things the local catering companies were capable of._

"_How about Vegas?" Juno suggested, her fingers playing seductively with her knife as she eyed me._

_Fucking whore. Always begging for a repeat performance._

"_Been there, done that, fucked half the town," I replied disinterested. If I had to sit through another fucking week of her going on and on about 'pretty lights' and celebrities she wanted to lay I'd commit a felony. _

"_Florida?" Laurent chimed in, looking remarkably sober considering the hour of day._

"_Please," James called out, rolling his eyes at the insanity of the mere suggestion. "Florida is so fucking lame even my grandmamma would be bored out of her skull." _

"_Well your dear 'grandmamma' was a fucking alcoholic nympho who went through more husbands than Liz Taylor," Eleazar snorted fondling Carmen's tits through the fabric of her blouse._

_I had to admit I was a bit envious. Carmen's tits were amazing. Round, firm and just big enough to be able to cup them in your hands. Over the last couple of months she and Eleazar had gotten a whole fucking lot more serious than they had been before, meaning Eleazar wasn't willing to share like he used to. I think they were even making plans to get married and shack up together once they were done with university in the summer. _

_Marriage._

_The idea alone revolted me. I mean…who'd want to go and fucking marry a girl when you're perfectly able to get her to give up the goods for free? Marriage was all good and proper in another thirty or so years when I'd start to sport a beer belly and my teeth would start falling out and all that. I mean…I'd have to breed an heir to the Cullen fortune at some point. For now, though, I was reluctant enough as it was to let a girl spend the night with me, let alone stay for seconds._

_Do em and dump em._

_James had been so right._

"_Do you guys, by any chance, have an idea you'd like to share with the class?" Carmen smirked, arching one of her perfectly shaped dark eyebrows as her hand disappeared beneath the white damask of the tablecloth._

"_Cabo," James and I both sang._

"_Of course," Carmen giggled. "You two don't happen to know who got the brilliant idea of heading off to Cabo for Spring Break as well, did you?" _

"_No," we both chirped, sounding as innocent as fucking choir boys._

_  
"You're the fucking worst pair of liars I've ever seen!" Eleazar chuckled, pelting us with pieces of cucumber and cherry tomato from his salad while his girlfriend worked him under the table._

"_You're cleaning that up!" Carmen scowled. "You're right about them being lousy liars though. I wonder how the hell they manage to convince all those girls to sleep with them." _

"_Sheer magic," I purred, using my most dazzling smile and watching on bemused as her face got that glassy, lust filled expression proofing my point. "Now please, fair maiden, enlighten us. Who is going to grace us with her presence in picturesque Cabo?" _

"_Asshat!" she huffed. "And who said it was a woman?" _

"_I just assumed…" I tried to save, dodging the elbow to my ribs coming from James. _

"_Irina Romanova," Carmen stated._

"_What?" James grinned. _

"_You heard me," she growled." Irina Romanova is joining some of her friends for a trip to Cabo. Happy now?" Acting like she didn't give a damn she turned away from us and started sucking face with her boyfriend. Nice table wear and crystal chandeliers aside, I had yet to see a Friday night dinner that didn't end in an orgy._

"_Very," James mused, hiding his humor behind hid glass of merlot. _

_Of course we knew this already. It had been the driving force behind our decision to go to Cabo during Spring Break. Cabo, though a little less ordinary than Florida, was still a very popular Spring Break hangout and usually we made a habit of not partying with the masses. _

_Ever._

_We had the masses come to us. That was…until _she_ had come to Dartmouth._

_Irina Romanova. _

_One of the few surviving relatives of the late Russian Czar. For some reason her grandfather had been smart enough to see the danger before the Bolsheviks boots were staining the immaculate floors of the Winter Palace and ran, taking with him a precious portion of the imperial family's riches. _

_But that wasn't all. Irina was…flawless. Her mother had been some hot piece of arm candy and – thank God – Irina resembled her and not the inbred features of her dad. The most intriguing part about her, however, was the fact that according to Carmen she didn't fuck college boys which, of course, made her all the more interesting to us. _

_The plan was simple and pretty much the same as our usual mode of attack, though the stakes were infinitely higher this time. Corner her. Bag her. Screw her poor Russian brains out. Dump her._

_To make matterst even more interesting James and I had struck a bargain as soon as we'd heard about her idiot 'no screwing college guys' policy. The one to claim victory over that pussy would get eternal bragging rights and – much more important – the deeds to James' vintage Jaguar XK120._

_And more than I wanted to fuck that girl, I wanted that car._

_It was the kind of car that fucking winked at you from the walls of every twelve year old boy's room. The kind of car you'd jack off to when you imagined screwing a girl on the hood of it. And fuck if it wasn't flawless. The black paint shining like a perfect onyx, the engine purring like the animal it was named after…fuck. I was getting semi-hard just thinking about it._

"_You really are a sad bunch of horn dogs," Carmen scolded. "You know as well as I do that the Romanov girl doesn't do university boys." Carmen would know. The fucking whore had struck up a friendship with the girl._

"_She might change her mind if she sees what it is she's missing," I interrupted._

"_Not likely," she snorted. _

"_Famous last words," I laughed, sharing a knowing look with James._

_The poor girl wouldn't know what fucking hit her._

**xXx**

"Not here, not now," I hissed under my breath.

"Why not?" she quipped, stalking closer to me again. "You don't look like you're busy right now…."

I looked around me to see if there was something – anything – I could use to distract her with long enough to get the hell away from her. When I spotted Garrett coming at us from the corridor across from me I released a breath I had been holding for far too long and shot him an desperate look. He drew up his eyebrows as if to ask me what the hell was going on but proceeded to walk towards us.

"Doctor Cullen!" he boomed with his usual ease. "been making friends again?"

"More like catching up with old friends," Irina quipped before I could say anything, extending her thin, delicate hand towards him. "Irina Romanova."

"Garrett O'Shea," Garrett answered, pumping her hand up and down as he unabashedly drank in her fine shapes. "_Doctor_ Garrett O'Shea."

"Nice to meet you," she purred, her face flashing to that look I recognized very well from ten years ago: the predator seeking out its next prey.

How stupid had I been for not realizing it? For letting my own arrogance and foolishness blind me? I should have known from the moment I started pursuing this…..female….that she would turn the tables on me, that I was not the hunter – as I had thought myself – but the hunted.

"He's engaged," I barked, warning both of them before she sunk her teeth into him.

"I was only making conversation," she shrugged with faked indignation. "Or perhaps I was just shocked at being received in a civil manner."

"Ouch!" Garrett chuckled, patting me on my back. "You have some spark, lady!"

"Thank you," she smiled, looking very much like the Cheshire Cat.

"We'd best be on our way again," Garrett continued, wrapping his arm around my shoulder in an almost protective manner. "I heard House was patrolling the corridors, looking for idle doctors to put on enema-duty." He turned to Irina again as he started steering us towards the lounge. "It was nice meeting you."

"Edward," her voice drifted after us, low and seductive but also warning and dangerous.

"What?" I growled, breaking out of Garrett's hold and taking a few steps back towards her.

"I came here to talk to you," she stated, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "I'm not leaving before I have what I came for."

"I have nothing to say to you," I barked, turning to leave but almost falling flat on my ass as her hand clamped around my shoulder and yanked me back.

"Funny," she retorted, "because I have plenty to say to you and if you can't give me what I want, I might find someone else to chat to." The glint in her eyes leaving me in no doubt of whom it was that she would talk to.

Bella.

The only person in the world I wanted to keep as far away from my despicable past as I could.

"You wouldn't," I gasped.

"Try me," she purred, swatting some imaginary speck of dust from my shoulder as she leaned in and whispered. "I bet you didn't tell that provincial little wife of yours about what you got up to when you were young, did you?"

"Fuck you," I growled.

"You did, remember?" she giggled. "And anyway….you may remember I'm not some common whore you can bag with a couple of drinks and a nice smile. We won't be doing any fucking…..yet."

I remembered all too well the cat and mouse game we had played right up until that night when I did one of the most stupid things of my life.

"What is it you want?" I asked.

"Talk," she smiled, placing her hand on my arm. "Just talk."

"Meet me at Joe's diner in an hour," I barked, checking my watch before storming off, hoping she would forget about our meeting or fail to find Joe's diner.

When I walked into the diner about an hour and a half after our first meeting I felt more prepared for who was waiting for me. After all, this could turn out okay. If all she wanted to do was talk and reminisce we'd share a couple of memories over a drink and that would be it. Somehow I doubted that she had gone through the trouble of finding me just to wander down memory lane with me, though.

"I haven't got a lot of time," I announced, sitting down across from her at the small table down the back. "I need to pick up my daughter from school in an hour and a half." At least this would give her no chance of going into longwinded conversations or side programs.

"I read about that," she snickered. "I couldn't believe it though……Who would have thought that ten years down the line Dirty Eddie would have become a boring old family man!"

Part of me wanted to hit her for sitting across from me at that table, passing judgment over me as if she hadn't been acting every bit as revolting as I had and if I were the kind of man that could willingly hurt a woman I don't know what I might have done….

But then the other side of my brain intervened, telling me I had been that kind of man once. Just because I never hit a woman or hurt her in any other physical way didn't mean I didn't hurt them emotionally. Hell, I had used women as nothing more than disposable items, good only for a quick lay and some pressure relief.

I had been nothing more than an animal back then.

A monster.

"What's the matter, Eddie?" she asked, flashing me her coy smile. "Cat got your tongue?"

"It's Edward," I corrected her, "And no….I just didn't think you would use your first words in ten years to insult me. I thought maybe with time you had picked up some social skills along the way. I must have been mistaken."

"Touché," she giggled, her fake amusement cackling through the diner, "though you know as well as I do that it was never a question of bad manners, more like bad company I guess."

"If you thought me and James were such bad company then what the hell are you doing here?" I spat back. "You'd better stay the hell away from me if you think I'm going to drag you down. And what's with the return of the whole 'Miss Innocent'-act anyway? I seem to remember you were every bit as bad as me and James."

"Hush!" she laughed. "I was in town for a job interview and I saw you on the television. You're hard to miss nowadays! I always knew you'd be a hero some day."

"I was just doing my job," I groaned, slamming my fist on the table, "why can't people just get to grip with that and leave me in peace!"

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I didn't know it was such a touchy subject for you."

"You couldn't have known," I sighed. As much as I disliked the woman it wouldn't be proper to take out my frustrations on her.

"I can imagine why you reacted like that," she smiled, patting my hand. "I must have given you quite a surprise, popping up out of nowhere like that."

"Yeah, you could say that," I replied, reluctantly smiling at her words. "I kind of thought that when you left, you left for good."

"So did I," she snickered. "I guess some things change."

"Why did you leave?"

"Next question."

"No," I insisted. "I want to know and I think you owe me an explanation."

"We were drunk, we did a stupid thing and then we fucked," she shrugged. "I guess I got kind of spooked."

"You could have left me a note."

"I could have," she shrugged, apparently not thinking she made such a big mistake. "But I didn't. So you got married….."

"I did."

"Good for you."

"Thanks."

"And kids too," she snickered, that evil glint back in her eye. "Who would have known? I, for one, always thought you'd end up some flashy LA doctor like James."

"We grew apart, not long after Cabo," I explained. "I grew up, he didn't. I'm not that guy any more, Irina. I've got a career that satisfies every intellectual need I have and a family that gives me more joy any party or random lay ever could. I'll never go back to my old ways."

"You didn't use to be this boring," she mused, trailing her finger around the rim of her glass before taking another small sip of her drink. "I remember the days when you were much more fun."

**xXx**

"_Are you going to finish that?" I purred, sneaking up on her from behind. _

_She squeaked, almost dropping her glass on the tiled floor of the terrace. "You scared the shit out of me!" she scolded, her Russian accent lending a sexy air to every fucking word she uttered. Every aspect of her being was perfected to drive men insane. Even her accent which, as I had learned, was just another fabricated part of the 'sexy, unavailable minx'-act._

"_I'm sorry," I replied, somehow managing to make my voice sound sincere as I placed my hand on my heart. I would play the part…for now. "I thought you'd heard me coming up behind you." _

"_No," she smiled, still trying to catch her breath. "I didn't hear you coming." _

_Well, that sure as hell was something I had every intention of remedying tonight._

_This was my chance – my one chance – to get into the girls pants and fuck if I wasn't desperate to take it._

_We had been here for four days – FOUR FUCKING DAYS – and so far there had been no progress. None. At all. She was constantly surrounded by her friends and they had made it pretty fucking clear that they didn't really care for outsiders, especially not if those outsiders happened to be in possession of a dick. I swear that girl was better protected than Fort fucking Knox._

_What I had found during those brief moments her friends had allowed us to talk, was that the girl herself wasn't actually half bad. She had stunning looks with tits just begging to be touched and full, pouty lips that were made to be wrapped around my cock. But that wasn't what struck me about this girl, at least, not in a way that set her apart from all of the other sluts I had fucked._

_The thing that made her special was her mind. She could actually hold a conversation without giggling after every other word or trying to deflect attention from the void where her brain was supposed to be by grabbing my dick. She held her own and – what's more – she didn't seem to be too fazed by who I was._

_These feelings – because I guessed that was what they were – I was starting to develop for the girl were fucking confusing to say the least. I knew I had to fuck her out of my system soon before she would really start to screw with my mind and trap me into something I didn't want to._

_That was why I had been ready to fucking kill the frigid protection squad last night when they thwarted my umpteenth attempt to get myself laid. They were playing with me, just like I was playing with them. You only had to take one look at the 'I'm so holy and virginal I wouldn't know a penis if I sat on one'-act to see it for what it was: an act._

_At least I could comfort myself with the thought that James had made about as much progress as I had._

"_You're awfully silent today Edward," she giggled, startling me from my thoughts and I looked on, my dick stirring in my pants, as she folded her lips around the olive in her Martini. "Or do you prefer Eddie?"_

"_Eddie is okay," I shrugged. "And I was just admiring the view." _

"_It is wonderful out here," she mused, her eyes drifting over the sea view in front of us, the blue of the ocean distorted by the drunks drifting on the waves in all sorts of floating devices._

"_Nah," I shrugged, "there's too much stuff drifting in the ocean to really appreciate it. You should see the view from the terrace at our place. Pure heaven if you'd ask me." _

"_Is that so?" she mused. _

"_Don't you think a view is better appreciated without some drunk fuck barfing in the distance?" I smirked, flashing her my panty dropping smile._

"_Perhaps," she replied, still seeming hesitant. "But don't go thinking you're going to get lucky."_

"_Is this because of my reputation?" I chuckled, still playing along with the 'like a virgin' act. Hey! If it was going to get me some pussy I'd be willing to jump onto the bow of a ship and yell 'I'm the king of the world'... _

"_It might be," she smiled._

"_Don't worry," I laughed. "Carmen's there as well. You trust Carmen, don't you?" _

"_Hmm," she pondered, her eyes scrutinizing me._

"_What can I do to ease your worries, fair maiden?" I asked with a smirk that let her know I was on to her._

"_I can think of something that will proof your worth to me," she replied with a mischievous grin. "Let's see how far you're willing to take this." _

_And that was how the lion closed in on the lamb._

_xXx_

"_So where do you keep up?" she asked as we crept along the busy roads. _

"_Casa De Encanto, over in Palmilla," I answered, happy to break the uncomfortable silence that had settled as soon as we got on the road._

_I didn't know what it was that had made me say yes to her ridiculous proposal. Was it the José still lingering in my body after last night's booze out or the lines I did this morning? All I knew – even in my current state – was that it was one of the stupidest things I had done to date, and that was saying something. If Carlisle and Esme ever found out it would be yet another blow to their already heavily dented image of me._

_Fuck! How was I even to tell them?_

_God! I needed a drink! _

_I stepped on the accelerator, knowing that back at the house there was a bottle of José with my name on it._

"_Nice," Irina whistled as soon as she spotted the house._

"_Thanks." _

_Carmen had taken it upon herself to secure a place for us during our stay and I had to admit, she had done a good job. Between the space inside the large Hacienda Style villa, the ocean views, the swimming pool and the large, partly covered outside seating and the modern technology that was scattered all over the house like fucking candy I doubt if I would have even left the place if it wasn't for this girl._

_It had enough space for all of us, the Dartmouth pussy that was tagging along (though they had to share a room like some kind of fucked up harem, which was interesting to say the least) and any parties we wanted to throw. The added bonus of the complimentary staff meaning we'd always wake up to a clean house afterwards._

_Fuck I loved Cabo!_

_If I wasn't as messed up and horny as I was right now I might have actually been happy. _

_Usually on trips like these I was all about tasting the flavors of the land. I mean, when in Mexico, fuck Mexican pussy, right? But unlike James I had realized even before we landed that fucking around wasn't going to get me inside Irina. She had more spies than the KGB so I had no fucking doubt in my mind that any shenanigans I might engage in would be reported back to her within the hour and , knowing what I knew about her, that would not reflect well on my chances of bedding her._

_Not that it made me feel any fucking better when I rubbed one out to the sound of my friends fucking like bunnies in the rooms surrounding me._

_Fuck, if it wasn't for this girl I would have gotten all the pussy I wanted just by leaving the door slightly ajar. _

_I had to admit I was getting a little frustrated at this point. I mean, it had been four days, four days filled with chicks throwing themselves at me, practically begging to take me into their mouths and here I was, turning them all down for a girl who hadn't even given me a glimpse of her tits yet._

_A girl who had made me go against every fucking principle I ever had._

_The blow and scotch must have finally taken their toll on my brain. _

"_It's beautiful," she whispered as I parked the car in front of our place and helped her out, her large steel blue eyes glued to the front façade._

"_Would you like a tour?" I offered, taking her hand and guiding her into the house._

_Step one. Check._

"_I'd love one," she gushed, taking in her surroundings. "I knew we should have gotten a house for ourselves. I don't know why I let Eve talk me into settling for a hotel." _

"_Perhaps your friends thought it would be better to be close to the center of town?" I offered. _

"_I bet you don't miss it," she snorted._

"_Not really," I nodded as I wrapped my arm around her small waist, starting our tour in the main room._

_I couldn't help but flash a victorious smirk in James' direction when we walked out onto the terrace, my hand firmly wrapped around Irina's waist. He knew he was going to loose his precious car. _

_Fuck, this felt so good._

"_Fucking dick," he mouthed at me, downing his Jack, slamming the empty glass on the table and walking off with a scowl etched deeply into his face._

"_What's all that about?" Irina asked, though the knowing look she and Carmen shared didn't escape my notice. _

"_Nothing," I shrugged, dragging my fingers along her side and feeling how she was already starting to warm up to me._

_So close. So fucking close._

"_What do you want to go see next?" I thought, weighing my chances of getting her into my bed after another hour or so of sweetening her up. "We could hang out here for a bit, if you'd like. Have a few drinks…maybe dive in for a swim..." _

_She looked at me with that coy look a girl gets when she's going to say something that might be inappropriate, the batting of her lashes going straight to my dick. "How about your room?" she purred, closing the distance and placing her hand on my chest, right above my heart. _

_I leaned in, making sure she felt my breath as it ghosted over the skin of her cheeks before moving to her ear. "Have I ever been known to let a lady down?" I purred, taking her lobe between my lips and gently putting some pressure on it. "And I did make a promise to you, a couple of hours ago…"_

_That car was mine._

**xXx**

"I grew out of it," I growled, wanting to remember as little of it as possible. "Really, Irina, if all you wanted was to indulge in a trip down memory lane I could have spared you the trouble of waiting for me to finish my shift. I've changed. I'm not the person you knew anymore." I watched her face contort into an artificial pout. "In fact," I continued, "I loathe the person I used to be."

"That's a pity," she smiled. "You used to be so much fun. I remember you and James running around me for days, using every trick in the book to catch my attention. You were so….carefree back then."

"Try childish and stupid," I grunted.

"We were young," she shrugged. "We were allowed to have a little selfish fun."

"I would hardly classify the things I did as a little selfish fun," I snorted. "We used people, chased them until we got what we wanted from them and threw them away like an old shoe the moment we were done with them." She shot me a dissatisfied look. "And don't look at me like that," I growled, "you were as guilty as I was. At least I _know_ I was a worthless jackass back then."

"Look at you Eddie!" she giggled. "you didn't change a bit. Still trying to take the weight of the world on your shoulders."

"It's Edward," I snarled, knowing she had used that name on purpose. "Eddie is dead and buried and he isn't coming back."

"That's a shame," she mused, twirling a lock of her smooth blond hair around her finger. "I would have loved to have had a repeat performance with him, but I guess Edward will do me just fine as well."

"I did mention the fact that I am happily married, right?" I snarled.

"Things can change," she shrugged.

"Some things never change."

"You say that now….." her eyes searched out mine with that same look of determination I had seen before. I had just become her main target. By placing myself out of her reach I had moved from hapless prey to interesting challenge and if anything Irina loved a challenge.

"Stay away from me," I growled.

"Edward," she smiled, dragging the letters out to make it sound like this was all just some sort of joke to her.

"I mean it, Irina," I yelled, jumping up from my chair. "You stay away from me, my wife and my family or I'll see you in court." I didn't wait for her to answer or follow me but stormed out of the restaurant as fast as my cast would let me.

Fuck.

Why was this happening to me? Why now? Why her? Was it really that impossible to mend your ways and keep your past in the past?

**xXx**

"_Fuck I groaned, shielding my face from the light penetrating though the windows as I felt around for the girl._

_Empty._

_Strange._

_With my head still pounding from the insane amounts of tequila consumed last night I felt around the bed, looking for the warm female body sharing it._

_A morning fuck always did wonders for a hangover._

_After our little round of afternoon delight we had joined the rest of the gang for another night of drinking and having fun around the pool, all events leading up to the most magnificent fuckfest I had ever experienced temporarily forgotten. But now, in the harsh light of morning they all came crashing back to me._

_Fuck._

_Fuck no…we didn't…_

_Fuck. We did._

_I opened my eyes, all fears of what the brightness of the morning might do to my poor intoxicated brain gone as I searched the room for signs of Irina._

_Nothing._

_The bathroom._

_Nothing._

_I walked out of the room, searching the corridor. Perhaps she needed something from the kitchen and got lost along the way…perhaps she woke up early and decided to go for a swim…perhaps she wanted to watch a movie…_

_Perhaps the player has been played…_

_It all came crashing back to me. The way she had seemed to know more about me than any of her friends could have told her. The look she shared with Carmen last night…_

_Fuck._

_The door to Carmen and Eleazar's room stood open, the inside looking like it had never been used before._

_Fuck._

_I scrambled back out, looking for someone – anyone – who could explain to me what had been going on while I had been asleep but apart from Juno, who was sitting in the main room, her tiny body carefully splayed out on a sofa, everyone seemed to be sleeping or…gone._

"_June love," I asked, trying to keep my panic out of my throat. "Have you seen Irina?" _

"_The Russian girl?" she scowled. _

"_Yes." _

"_She left at the ass crack of dawn," Juno grumbled. "Fucking woke me up when she slammed the door on her way out too. I don't know what you see in that girl, Eddie. You should hang out with a girl who appreciates you for what you are and who won't run out on you like that." _

"_We're not discussing this now," I hissed. "Do you know where she went?" _

"_I don't know," she mused. "But I think I overheard her barking something at the cab driver about taking her to the airport." _

"_Fuck," I yelled, dragging my hands though my hair. "And Carmen and Eleazar?"_

"_They headed out last night," she stated. "Remember? Eleazar had a paper he needed to work on and Carmen decided to join him?" _

"_Yes," I groaned. "Dammit!"_

"_What is it?" Juno asked, walking up to me and enveloping me in her arms, her hands trailing up and down my body._

"_Not now Juno," I growled, pushing her away and putting some distance between us. "I need to think." _

"_Not fair," she pouted. "You fucked _her_."_

"_And look where that got me!" I yelled. "Look…I need some space right now. Maybe later. I don't know…Fuck!" _

_I walked out on the terrace, pulling at my hair. _

_What the fuck had happened here?_

_I had spend most of last night, and a significant portion of the day too, I might add, being on the receiving end of the best sex of my life, winning a fucking amazing classic sport car in the bargain too, but somehow I didn't feel the sense of victory I should have been feeling right now. In fact…I didn't even feel that sense of satisfaction that usual drowned out everything else after a good fuck._

_In fact…_

_I felt……confused?_

**xXx**

I managed to keep myself outwardly composed until I reached the locker room but the moment I left the door click into its lock behind me everything fell apart.

Literally.

I had long feared that my sins would come back to haunt me. Ever since that day nine years ago when Esme had called me out on my behavior and made me see sense I had fought to be a better man. I had fought for redemption, knowing full well that some things could never be forgiven or redeemed. I guess now was the time for retribution but the thought of what it would do to my family was more than I could bear.

What if she went and talked to Bella? How would my wife react when she found out what kind of man – if you could call me a man back then – I had been before we met? Would she be disgusted? I would. In fact…..if I were in her shoes I would want nothing to do with me.

She would leave me. I would lose her. She would take the children and run as fast and as far away from me as she could. I deserved it. I deserved to be punished, put to shame and left alone and destitute.

She would leave me…….

The thought alone was enough to bring my insides to turmoil and I scrambled into the bathroom right on time to reach the toilet and empty my stomach, my whole body shaking in panic as I clutched the cool porcelain.

Even if she didn't leave me it would hurt her. She would try to understand but in the end I had no doubt that it would break her heart. I couldn't do that. I couldn't hurt her on top of everything I was putting her though as it was. I couldn't make her life even harder when she was already struggling to make it through the day.

I would not do that to her. I would keep her save, protect her from this……protect her from me.

Time passed, though it couldn't have been long because I was still alone in a normally quite busy locker room, as I lay there, thinking about my messed up life when I was shaken out of my thoughts by a piercing beeping sound.

Libby.

I had set the alarm on my watch before I left the hospital to remind me of the time I needed to leave to pick her up from school. I dragged my hand through my hair, feeling how the clammy locks stuck to my hand. I must have looked like death warmed up.

I defied the ache in my muscles and pulled myself up into a standing position, groaning the moment my face appeared in one of the large mirrors.

I _did_ look like death warmed up. My hair was sticking out even more than it did on a regular day and my whole face looked ghostly pale and sweaty, not to mention the stains of I didn't want to know what sticking to my shirt.

I probably smelled like death warmed up too.

I couldn't go pick my child up like this. Her teacher would probably shoo me away thinking I was some hobo coming to abduct a child for ransom or something. I knew I had to shower first but I didn't have time to.

Plan B it was.

I fished my phone out of the pocket of my pants and pressed the buttons on speed dial. She picked up on the second ring.

"Alice?"

"Edward!" my sister squealed on the other end. "To what do I owe this honor?"

"Something happened at work and I'm kind of stuck here for a while," I sighed. "Are you free to pick Libby up from school? I wouldn't have asked otherwise but…."

"No problem," she chuckled. "But does Bella know you're staying behind for extra credit?"

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her," I replied, trying to put a smile to my words.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Alice scolded. "You've only been married for what…..two years now and already you're starting with dishonesty?"

If only she knew just how dishonest I was planning to be……

"Are you going to keep Libby waiting while you're nagging me on unimportant things?"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch! I'm already in my car," she huffed. "There's this new gem of modern technology called a 'headset' which means I can drive and yell at you at the same time. Ain't that cool?"

"Great, Ally," I snorted, rolling my eyes as I scrambled to my feet.

"Anyway……I'm pulling up in front of the school. Meet you back at the house in a few?"

"See you there," I nodded, hanging up and shoving the tiny device back into my pants pocket.

I grabbed a change of clothing from my locker and took a quick wash at the sink, lamenting the bulky cast on my leg that was keeping me from a proper shower. It would just have to wait until I got home, where the plastic cover up Bella had made for me out of bin bags was waiting on the shower seat.

I hailed a cab on my way out and spend the ride home trying – but failing – not to think about what happened. I needed to revert back into daddy-mode if I didn't want to scare the shit out of Libby when I got back home but with everything reminding me of the threat made to the peace and quiet of my family life today I was finding the switch harder than it had ever been.

The combined enthusiasm of Libby and Alice hit me as soon as I opened the front door. Both of them were giggling about something, the high pitched voices cackling through the silence, stilling some of my fears.

It wasn't long before the pounding of footsteps rushing down a wooden staircase alerted me to the fact that Libby was on her way and sure enough a few seconds later her brown curls, shining green eyes and matching dress came bounding down the stairs.

"Hi daddy," she giggled, running up to me and planting a firm kiss on my cheek while I prayed she wouldn't notice the clammy sweat, the reminder of my panic attack.

"Hi sweetheart," I replied, trying to make my voice sound as light as I could, "how was your day?"

"Okay," she shrugged. "We started reading Matilda today but when I told the teacher that I already knew the book and that it was my favorite Benjamin called me a showoff."

"That wasn't very nice of him," I replied, trying to keep my anger out of my voice.

"I know," she nodded, her eyes huge before an evil little smirk settled on her features. "But he won't be doing that again."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"I punched him in the face when teacher wasn't looking," she shrugged, a glint of mischief shimmering in her yes.

"That wasn't very nice either, sweetheart," I scolded, inwardly beaming with pride that my daughter had learned to defend herself.

"I know," she sighed, That's what Miss Milano told me. I think she's going to call mommy and you later….."

"You shouldn't have hit the boy, peanut," I breathed. "Remember what mommy always told you?"

"Yeah, yeah," she huffed, rolling her eyes before she dutifully pounded out one of Bella's elementary lessons in ladylike behavior, "I should always fight with words and never with my hands." She paused, biting her lip before she broke out in a grin. "But what if I kicked him? Would mommy be mad then?"

"What do you think?" I chuckled.

"Can I go upstairs and play with my dolls for a bit before we go to Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett?"

"Sure, sweetheart," I said as I spotted Alice coming down the stairs. "I'll come get you when we're leaving."

"You haven't been leaving presents for Bella in the closet, have you?" I smirked as I followed Alice into the living room.

"Maybe," she grinned.

"You know how she feels about that," I groaned, knowing it would be me that would have to listen to Bella's tirade when she found the stuff Alice had left. Or – even worse – thrown away.

I contemplated telling Alice about what happened today. She knew to some extend about my past which would make it easier to open up to her. If anyone, she would understand how I felt about all of this and not press me to tell Bella when I wasn't ready for it.

She was quiet though……too quiet.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on or are you waiting for me to start guessing?" I frowned, after another couple of minutes of laden silence had passed.

"It's nothing…." she sighed.

"It's something," I disagreed. I haven't seen you this quiet in…well forever."

"It's nothing," she repeated, holding up her hand to keep me from interrupting her. "Just some boy trouble."

"Is Jasper not treating you right?" I asked, my anger rising in my chest. I liked Jasper. Hell, I would even go as far as to call him a good friend, but if he hurt my sister he was going down.

"It's not that," she huffed, rolling her eyes at my 'protective brother' attitude. "Jeez! It's not like he's violating me or something! Things have just been a little…tense."

"In what way?" I demanded, my head filling with all kinds of scenario's of how I would kill Jasper and dump his lanky ass in the Hudson.

"We're just….I don't know….in an impasse right now," she explained. "I kind of want to get married to him. I mean, it's been two years and all…."

"And he doesn't?" I interrupted; trying desperately to keep calm for her while the voices in my head were demanding an answer to the question why the fucker didn't want to marry the pixie. She was perfectly maritable. Nothing wrong with her.

"His feet are frostier than the North Pole in the winter, yes," she smirked.

"Give him time," I suggested, suddenly remembering how Jasper had a past of being a 'one night man' as well. "His feet may defrost."

"That's what everybody keeps saying," she yelled exasperated. "Give him time, let him come to you, allow him to get ready for this step in his own time……Well I did that but now I'm sick of it. I'm tired of waiting."

"Alice….."

"Shut up!" she barked at me. "I know I'm not known for my patience or empathy but I've been waiting for two years now – you hear that Edward: Two. Fucking. Years – and I'm fucking tired of waiting around for him to catch up."

"I didn't mean it like that sis," I sighed, pulling her into my lap and wrapping my arms around her in comfort. "You know I've got your back, pixie, whatever you decide. I just want you to be absolutely sure before you decide on any step."

"That's what's so hard about all of this," she sniffed. "My head and my heart aren't actually agreeing on what's the right thing to do."

"Speak to me," I urged her.

"We used to be so close…." she started. "It was like he knew exactly how I felt and what I needed. We didn't even need to speak half of the time, which I always thought kind of freaky to be honest because you know how much I like to talk..." My snort was welcomed with a fist to the gut. "Nowadays we use the silence almost as a weapon. It's almost like there's this huge space between us and it just keep filling up with all the things we _don't_ say to each other and the longer we stay silent the more likely it is that if one of us gives in and speaks it will be the end of us…."

"It doesn't have to be," I tried to reassure her.

"That's what Bella said as well," she pouted, "but _you_ try living in my house for a day. See if you still think the same."

"As much as I like Jasper, he doesn't quite do it for me on a romantic level," I deadpanned; slightly hurt that both Alice and Bella knew about this but never told me. I was her brother, dammit; I had a right to know if my sister was hurting.

"And what if somewhere down the line he decides he's not done with his old life after all?" she continued. "What if he runs into one of his old buddies one night at the pub and they convince him to have one last hurrah?"

I cringed, remembering my own history.

"What?" Alice turned around, her eyes tightening to slits as she scrutinized my face.

"Nothing," I said. "Go on."

"I just…..I don't know…..Him having so much doubt about our future makes me all kinds of uncertain about that as well," she sighed. "I used to be so sure of it. I thought I saw it all in front of me…..a nice place on the West Side with lots of closet space and a library for him, kids running around the place with his eyes and hair and my sense of fashion…….you know, the whole package. Kind of like I saw it with you only your kids looked like Libby and Masen and didn't have that great a fashion sense to be honest."

"And now you don't?"

"I don't know what the future holds anymore……" she huffed, her nose scrunching up in frustration. "It's all sorts of messed up."

"So what are you going to do?" I asked.

"I don't know," she replied, rubbing her eyes as she slipped out of my embrace. "I wish I did though."

"I wish I could help," I sighed.

"You just did," she smiled, ruffling my hair. "Just…..don't treat him any different than you used to do."

"Alice," I groaned, seeing all my plans for drowning Jasper in his bowl of Miso Soup blow out the window.

"Please?" she pouted. "For me….."

"Fine," I huffed. "I'll see what I can do. I'm not making any promises though. If he hurts you again that pretty face is going to be a whole less pretty if you know what I mean."

"You've been spending too much time with Emmett and Garrett," she huffed, shaking her head. "Come on…let's get Libby and head over to Rose's."

The drive over to Emmett and Rose's apartment passed mostly in silence. Alice was no doubt still preoccupied with our talk, her face a little pale and contemplative as she stared out at the window without really seeing anything.

Poor Alice.

I really wanted her to have her happily ever after, even if it was with Jasper. She had done so much for me over the years. Looking back on it, it was her who saved me that disastrous summer when I thought that Bella had left my life for good. I used to hate her for hovering over me like some mother goose, but in hindsight she had kept me from God knows what.

Later on, when we had moved to New York, she made sure I was properly fed on takeout and didn't wear myself out too much at the hospital. She had always been my guardian angel, my protector when it seemed like the whole world was gearing up against me.

But even she didn't know the worst of what I had done. _That_ I had never told a living soul.

I could still feel the panic starting to rise in my throat whenever I thought back on my meeting with Irina earlier in the day. Even though the rational part of my brain told me that I was being particularly arrogant by thinking she would turn into some scary, Glenn Close kind of stalker because she never got over me, there was always that nagging little voice that remembered me what she had been like when we met, ten years ago. She was like a Pit-bull. Whenever she took hold of you, she'd never let you go.

I had to protect Bella, Libby and Masen from all of this. I couldn't loose them and I couldn't hurt them. If that meant lying to them to keep them save and happy, then so be it.

"How do I look?" I asked Alice as we waited in front of the elevator, Libby still busy playing a game of twenty questions with the poor doorman.

"Why Edwina," she cooed in an artificial voice, "you look simply ravishing!"

"You know what I mean," I growled, giving her a playful slap upside the head.

"Ouch," she complained. "And you look like an extra in a horror flick by the way."

"Thanks," I snorted, before calling Libby over to me and helping her press the button to Rose and Emmett's floor.

Bella was already there, watching on bemused as Emmett was feeding Masen his bottle. My heart swelled when I spotted that happy glow to her eyes the minute she had spotted me across the room but when her expression turned to worry as her eyes lingered from mine to the rest of my face I knew I wasn't as good an actor as I thought I was.

I should have known she would notice. She knew me too well.

"What's wrong Edward?" she asked, concern mixing in with the fatigue on her face as she walked up to me.

"Nothing," I sighed, pulling her towards me and burying my head in her hair. "I just had a long day….Lots of sick people to cure….You know?"

"Poor baby," she sighed, wrapping her arms around my body and offering me her strength.

I took it, though I didn't deserve it and though it made me feel like a worse kind of human being than I ever felt before.

I had lied to her when she had done nothing but love me and be completely honest with me, even though I knew she was struggling sometimes when she shared things with me that she knew I was going to hate.

Now it was my turn, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. I couldn't find the courage to be honest, not when she might run away screaming if she ever found out the truth about me.

I was a monster.

Always had been, always would be.

At least by keeping this from her and striving to be a better man for her every day she wouldn't be hurt by the realization that she had married the worst of men.

No.

She must never know.

* * *

_**So the intruder has a name now.....Will we have seen the last of her?**_

_**This was a difficult chapter for me to write, thought it's also a very important one. I think you'll all agree with me that, though his intentions were good and very 'Edward', he made the wrong decision when he decided to 'protect' Bella from the truth.**_

_**I've posted a few pictures of the person I envision as Irina and the car that triggered the whole mess on the 'Foundations' thread on twilighted.**_

**_As always, please let me know what you thought of this._**


	13. Boys and girls

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**I'm sorry for posting a day late. Unfortunately this won't be the last time that will happens. I'm in the middle of moving across the country and because I never do things the easy way, this is going to be a marathon kind of thing. In between packing my stuff into boxes I've been writing like a maniac for the last couple of days so I probably will be able to update weekly as I have been doing, but because I'll be camped out at my grandmother's for a couple of weeks starting august 12, I don't know when I'll be getting close enough to a computer to do so. **_

_**I think we all agree that Edward made the wrong decision. He might have meant well and his panic might have had something to do with it, but dishonesty is NEVER a good idea. I wonder how long it will be until the truth comes out…..**_

_**Also: this chapter is unbeta'ed. I hope there aren't too many mistakes. **_

* * *

**Boys and girls**

_**November 2009**_

"I'm out of here the second someone so much as breathes the words 'penis free zone'," Rose warned as she climbed into my car, her remark directed mainly at Alice who was seated in the back with Esme and Libby.

"A very good morning to you too," Alice grinned, handing Rose a paper cup of steaming black coffee.

"Bless you, miss Brandon," Rose sighed, flinging the lid of the cup and inhaling the caffeinated steam. "God I need this!" The car was silent for a little while as Rose took a few long sips of her coffee. "What's on the menu today?" Rose asked, her face perking up as the caffeine started to kick in.

"The complete works," Alice explained. "Wraps, massages, manicure, pedicure, you name it, we'll get it."

"Is that why you dragged me out of my bed on the morning after Thanksgiving at the ungodly hour of eight AM?" Rose growled.

"You know you like it," Alice grinned, patting Rose on the head. "A day away from dirty diapers and the caveman will do you good."

It had been Alice's idea to spend the day after Thanksgiving at the spa. She reasoned that after a day of slaving away in the kitchen only to have Emmett gobbling it down not caring if it was fast-food or haute cuisine, we deserved a day for just us girls. Even Libby could join us for what would be her first pampering session since the spa offered a special treatment for young girls, a day program that ran parallel to ours.

Of course Rose had resisted, even if it was just because she had developed an aversion to any event that excluded men ever since the week leading up to my wedding. She had yielded in the end after Alice had solemnly sworn the men would be allowed near us as soon as we were done at the spa. That was, until she had learned that she had to be ready to be picked up at eight AM though…..

Rose did not do eight AM on holidays.

"Well," Rose grinned. "If you put it like that….Though I do have to admit that being married to a caveman has its perks sometimes."

"You're teamed up with Bella today," Alice continued, ignoring Rose's last remark. "The two of you will be starting with a seaweed wrap followed by a massage. We'll rendezvous at lunch and I'll explain the setup for the afternoon."

"Aye, aye, Napoleon," Rose grinned, saluting with one hand while the other continued to hold on to her coffee as if she were afraid some reprobate would crash though the window and steal it at any given moment.

"Shut up!" Alice growled.

"And they say I'm the bitch!" Rose chuckled. "I guess someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Let it go, Rose," I hissed, knowing it was probably another row with Jasper that had brought this on.

It was like Murphy's law. When one aspect of your private life went smoothly, another would fall apart. With my life finally going back to some kind of normal it was apparently inevitable that someone else suffered the heart fail.

There had been a new clash between the two of them after a few weeks of normalcy. Though Edwards accident had made them see how much they loved each other, they still hadn't talked about what was bothering them and with both of them being stubborn as a pair of mules it was only a matter of time before it all went wrong again.

The catalyst this time had been a walk in the park where they had stumbled upon a bridal party. Alice had hinted at the possibility of that being them in a few weeks to which Jasper had responded that a few years would be nearer the mark. The argument that ensued could probably have been heard in Rhode Island and had ended with Alice stomping off and Jasper hiding out in our spare bedroom while Edward was working a night shift at the hospital.

"Alice," Esme intervened, saving the day before things could get ugly, "What's on the program for us?"

"The same," Alice growled, still glaring daggers at the back of Rose's seat, "but in a different room."

"It sounds nice and relaxing?" Rose tried, offering Alice a silent apology.

"God, I hope so," Alice groaned, taking the proverbial olive branch. "I could do with a drama-free day after yesterday."

"I guess that turkey was quite the little attention seeker," Rose snorted, jokingly trying to distract Alice's attention from what happened after dinner to our struggles with yesterday's food.

"Yeah," I chimed in. "Did you see the way its arms stuck out almost as if it was pleading with us not to eat it? As if taking five hours to cook it wasn't enough!"

"I liked the turkey," Libby mused. She had been very silent up until now, though I guess that had something to do with the upcoming day at the spa. She was so excited to be joining us for the first time when we went to do grownup things. I guessed that being silent was her way of acting older than her seven years.

"We all did, honey," Alice said with a sigh. "but sometimes turkeys can be such a bother you don't even know why on earth you ever though having turkey would be a good idea."

I had a feeling the conversation had stopped being about food.

"But it's tradition!" Libby objected. "Miss Milano told us that everyone always has turkey for Thanksgiving."

"I know sweetheart," I soothed, trying to weave the car through the busy traffic. "None of us would ever go as far as to swear off turkey for Thanksgiving, right Alice?" I shot a quick glance at my pixie sister in law through the rearview mirror. "Even though the turkey sometimes annoys us we wouldn't have it any other way. Right?"

"You're getting good at this, Bella," Rose snorted.

"I hate turkey," Alice growled, turning her attention to the street outside.

Our conversation was cut short when we pulled up in front of the spa and the next hour or so was spend going through our schedules for the day, changing into the fluffy robes the spa provided and getting settled in for our first treatment.

Libby was buzzing with excitement by the time someone came to get her. She had been paired up with another girl her age and they would undergo a program similar to ours but with a lot more time to play and swim in the pool.

Esme and Alice left soon after Libby, following one of the employees into a room as Rose and I waited for someone to come pick us up. I had to admit I was feeling a whole lot better dressed in nothing but a robe than I had been the first time I had entered a spa. Ever since Alice had skipped into my life trips to spa's had become a regular feature in it and even though I would never feel at ease being naked – or close to that – around strangers, I had to admit that being dragged off to a pampering session wasn't as torturous as I had once made it out to be.

In fact…it was kind of nice. I remembered the day when, seven months pregnant with Masen and feeling like a bloated whale, Alice had concluded I needed some TLC and a whole lot of sprucing up and dragged me out here for a special treatment. The result had been amazing and though it hadn't been able to take away the feeling of being a carrier ship, being plucked, kneaded and prettified all day had made me feel a lot more confident about myself.

It had also made Edward a big fan of spa's.

After waiting for another couple of moments someone came to get us and escort us to the room where we would be getting our first treatment of the day: the seaweed wrap.

"I don't feel very pretty yet," Rose chuckled as we were both wrapped into Clingfilm after being covered with some kind of bluish goo that smelled awful. "In fact…I feel like something Jacques Cousteau fished up."

One of the spa employees explained the procedure to us and turned down the lights, as the soothing sounds of oceans and whales drifted through the speakers, so that we could rest as the seaweed did its work, though I had a feeling that with Rose lying next to me rest would be the last thing I would be getting.

"Hmm, I don't care, I could get used to this," I sighed as I felt myself drift off into a slumber as the warmth of the wrap and the blankets they had covered us with to keep us warm envelope me in a soothing embrace.

"I couldn't," Rose snickered as the spa employee left. "As nice as all of this is, it would make having sex well near impossible and I kind of like that more."

"God Rose," I huffed. "Why does everything have to revolve around sex with you?"

"Why not?" she retorted with a grin. "It's fun, cost-effective, burn calories and any idiot can do it."

"But we're in a public spa!" I yelled out exasperated. "And its not even noon yet?"

"What?" she chuckled. "I bet ninety percent of the people at this spa do it on a regular basis so its not as if we're talking about anything that's hugely provocative or something. And I didn't know there was a bar on talking about sex before lunchtime."

"It's my brother you're talking about," I tried. "I bet if you had a brother you wouldn't want to know about his penis skills."

"I do actually," she stated with a know it all grin. "It would be a disgrace if any brother of mine wouldn't know which end of a woman to fuck." Her face scrunched up in a frown as the words left her mouth. "Wait a minute…..Oh, whatever. You know what I mean."

"Sadly yes," I said with a sigh, placing the cucumber slices back over my eyes to indicate this conversation was over.

A few moments passed in silence and I was just starting to get back into my own comfort zone again – which as I should have known was a bad mistake when you're holed up in a room with Rosalie – when the awkward questioning continued.

"So is Eddie boy still delivering the goods with his leg mummified?" she mused. "Because I bet that cast makes the 'I'm glad you're not dead' sexing a little bit difficult."

"We're doing fine," I replied curtly.

"Come on, Bella!" she laughed. "You know I want more than that!"

"Well too bad then, because I'm not sharing," I huffed. "God I wish I would have picked Alice to join me!"

"No you don't," she snickered. "Imagine having to hear her yapping on and on about how she matched her underwear to her body wrap…At least with me you might learn a thing or two."

"Edward and I do perfectly fine on our own, thank you very much."

"Fine?" she snorted. "Is that how you describe your sex life? That's sad."

"Okay," I yelled. "It's mind staggering, fucking amazing and I pity all the girls out there that will never experience the sheer perfection that is Edwards penis."

"Yuck!" I heard a musical soprano say from behind me.

Fuck.

"Esme and Alice are standing right behind me, right?" I sighed, begging Rosalie with my eyes to lie to me.

I didn't have to.

"I'm glad to hear Edward keeps you satisfied in the bedroom, Bella dear," Esme chuckled.

"Thanks?" I squeaked amidst the snickers of Rose, Alice and – even though she was trying very hard not to – Esme.

"Come on, Bella," Alice sang, hopping onto the bed I was lying on. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. We all know that you and Edward have sex, even though it's kind of gross to picture Edward having sex if I may say so. It's not like you had Masen through immaculate conception. Or at least, I hope not."

"Nope," I grinned, my face so red I was kind of wondering if it would start exuding steam. "No immaculate conception there."

"See!" Alice squealed. "That wasn't so hard, was it?" She looked as if she was ready to pat me on the head and give me a cookie for being a good girl.

"Is it time to get out of this damned wrap yet?" Rose grumbled beside me. "Tjose freakin' whales are really starting to get on my nerves!"

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"What are we supposed to do again?" Emmett asked as he plopped down onto the sofa, munching on some leftover breadsticks he had found in the kitchen.

"Manly stuff, according to Alice," I chuckled. With the girls going out for a day at the spa my tiny sister had instructed me and the rest of us men to go and do the kind of stuff that men usually did when the women were gone, though I didn't think she had 'sulk' in mind when she thought of that.

"Yeah right," he said with a snort. "Like there's much 'manly stuff we can do with a cripple and two babies."

"Hey!" I growled. "It's not like I chose to be in a cast!"

"But it's not like you can go to the race track or the batting cages in that thing either," he grinned, pointing at the walking cast that was still stuck around my leg.

"Don't remind me," I huffed, turning my attention back to the book I had been reading in an attempt to end the conversation.

"How much longer until you can get rid of it?" Emmett asked as he watched Charlie hobble around the living room, unsteady on his little legs.

"Two more weeks," I growled, scowling at my cast. I couldn't wait for the damn thing to be removed. Between not being able to drive, perform surgery or take my wife from behind without the damn thing getting in the way I felt like a fucking kid again.

It didn't help that my skin was itching all the time either.

I had to admit that it did have some perks though. I had been able to catch up on a lot of reading which meant that as soon as the damn cast was off my leg I would be prepped for just about every surgery known to man. It had also allowed me to practice the more routine procedure which didn't take up a lot of time and therefore were suitable for someone who couldn't stand on his legs for more than an hour. Boring as they were, I had started to develop the routine in routine surgeries to the point where House had actually complimented me on my skills.

At least something good that had come out of this.

"I doubt Bella will be looking forward to it with the way you've been spoiling her lately," Emmett guffawed. "If I didn't know better I'd say you were making up for something."

"What?" I stammered, feeling the blood drain from my face.

"Relax, Eddie!" he boomed, leaning in to slam his fist against my back in comfort. "I'm only messing with your head! God! I really did a number on you when I threatened to break that pretty little face of yours if you messed up my sister's happiness, did I?"

"Yeah...right," I muttered absentmindedly, my heart pounding in my throat as I tried to calm myself again. If only he knew…

The last couple of weeks had been awful and wonderful at the same time. I had watched Bella slowly but surely get her groove back. The extra rest she had gotten with me being home a lot more than before had brought the bounce back into her step and the purple bruises beneath her eyes to wane but that wasn't even the greatest benefit it had.

She had started to write.

I could clearly remember the first day she had come home after getting started on the chapter she had completed this Wednesday, right on time for the Thanksgiving break. She'd carried a huge chocolate pie in her hands and a smile on her face that could have melted the north pole.

It hadn't been easy. So far she had been able to study and compile notes and outlines for her thesis, but to develop those into original ideas and insights required time to think and a mindset to think in, both of which had been severely lacking in Bella's world until I had been forced to cut back on my hours.

It made me even more determined to keep her safe. If only I could protect her from me and my revolting past until she was back to her old self again she would be able to deal with it much better than she would be right now. Not that that made my heavy and ever present conscience any lighter though….

"So, are you considering a career as a stay at home dad yet?" Emmett grinned, shaking me out of my thoughts. He knew me too well.

"Not yet," I chuckled. "But I might be forced to become one if my original plan falls though."

"Heard anything yet?"

"No," I said, shrugging as if that didn't bother me at all. "But you have to consider it's House we're dealing with here. He'll much rather add to the stress than take some of it away."

"I don't know how you put up with him!" Emmett remarked, shaking his head. "I would have killed the guy a hundred times over if I were you."

"So you never dealt with an asshole trainer back in your football days?" I asked.

"Fuck! You have me there," he laughed. "Yeah, I've seen plenty of those…"

"Killing him wouldn't solve anything," I sighed. "I need House to get that fellowship which basically reduces me to prime ass kissing material."

"You could always come work for me," Emmett offered, his grin letting me know he was only joking. "I know a lot of Manhattan women would love to have you as their personal trainer."

"I am worried about what's going to happen to Bella, though, when I get back to work," I said, bringing us back to the original subject. "Sometimes I really wish I could see inside her head, just to know what she's really feeling."

"Don't we all?" Emmett mused. "You still think she's editing?"

"Lately? No," I replied. "With things going better again she's starting to open up about how she's feeling a little more. Before that? Hell yes."

"She's always been like that, you know." Emmett nodded. "I remember back in the days when those girls at school were pestering her…She never told me a damn thing about it, even though she was scared to go to school on some days and I – her big tool of a football playing bother – was sitting only a few classrooms away."

"Do you know anything I can do to stop her if she's going back to borderline burn-out?" I asked. "I feel like I've tried just about every trick in the book but it just isn't working." I knew I carried half the blame in this. Between out busy schedules and both of us wanting to spend as much time with our children as we could I hadn't been paying as much attention to her as I should have before the accident. I should have done more to help her.

"Apart from locking her up?" Emmett grinned. "I don't think so. I know it's frustrating to feel like you're standing by the sideline watching the shit hit the fan, but with Bella's stubbornness it's the only way. The damn little fool only learns through experience."

"I'm just afraid that when the bubble bursts it's going to cause a shit storm the force of a tsunami," I sighed.

"Yeah," Emmett agreed, all humor having left his voice. "I worry about the little squirt too, you know."

"I know."

"The only thing we can do for her is hand her a pair of waders and an umbrella and hope she makes it through this relatively unscathed. But let's not think about it right now." The glints in his eyes started to sparkle again. "Who knows? Maybe you hit rock bottom even before the squirt does!"

"Asshole!" I growled.

"Let's just think of something masculine to do before the pixie gets mad," he grinned. "For something so tiny she sure as hell can be scary when she's mad."

"We could take a trip to the playground with Masen and Charlie…." I offered.

"Bo-ring!' Emmett sang. "And it's supposed to be a 'guy' thing anyway, not a 'guy/baby' thing."

"Then you think of something," I huffed.

His face scrunched up in concentration, giving 'The Thinker' by Rodin a serious run for its money for a while before his face lit up like the proverbial light bulb. "Pool!"

"What?"

"We could go to a pool hall and play a couple of games," Emmett explained. "It's manly and you don't have to use your legs. Just your hands."

"I'd still have to stand on my legs," I snorted. "And as much as I would love to see Masen wield a pool cue, I don't think Bella – or Rosalie for that matter – would be too happy if they ever found out we took the kids to a pool hall."

"Damn!" Emmett said, his face contorting into a scowl. "You've got a point there!"

"Maybe Jasper or my dad can come up with something," I breathed, wracking my brain for other things to do with the two little guys in tow.

"Hey cowboy!" Emmett yelled out to the kitchen where Jasper and my dad were discussing something history-related.

"What?" Jasper's voice drifted back, sounding slightly annoyed.

"Couldn't you have asked the sprite to leave us with a list of 'ten very manly yet childproof things to do in the state of New York'?"

"Fuck off, Emmett!" Jasper hollered back.

"Language, history boy!" Emmett boomed back.

"How about stay home, get some burgers and beers, and watch the game?" Carlisle offered, stepping in before things got from bad to worse.

"Excellent plan!" Emmett grinned, patting his stomach. "I'm hungry as an ox."

"You just had lunch!" I chuckled.

"Well, there's always room for more food," Emmett mused.

"Pig," I muttered under my breath.

"Did you check your chest for tits lately?" Emmett smirked. "You're starting to sound an awful lot like my Rosie!"

"Why don't you get us some supplies before someone kills you?" I spat back.

"I'll take him," Carlisle grinned, grabbing the keys to his rental car and heading out in search of food while chatting away amicably with Emmett.

I knew my mom and dad loved it here and if work hadn't tied Carlisle to Chicago they might even have considered a move. As it was they were determined to see as much of their 'children' as they could which meant that they would move heaven and earth to spend to holidays as a family, Emmett, Rose and Charlie being as much a part of that as the rest of us.

"That leaves you and me and the babies," Jasper drawled, his southern accent always getting more pronounced when he was nervous.

"I guess so," I smirked, satisfied that after weeks of avoiding me I finally had the bastard where I wanted him.

To say that I was pissed off when Alice told me about the troubles she was facing would be the understatement of the year. I was seething. Here he was, getting the most amazing girl handed to him on a silver platter and he ran away from her like she had rabies or something.

Not good.

The way he reacted when Alice gave him chance after chance to redeem himself or at least talk about his problems was only adding insult to injury. Let alone the way he evaded everyone around him who wanted to help.

Definitely not good.

"What's the deal with you and my sister?" I asked, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen around us while making sure to keep all my annoyance out of my voice.

"Fuck," he growled. "Not you as well."

"Don't you fucking start with me like that!" I barked back. "I'm trying very hard to keep myself from kicking your ass for hurting my sister….."

"Alright," he sighed. "It's not like I fucking asked for my private live to be spewed all over town like some hot piece of gossip, but if Alice wants to play it like this, I might as well play along. What do you want to know?"

"Why do you keep running away?"

"I'm not," he retorted.

"It sure as hell looks like it."

"I just need some space."

"Alice seems to think you're running because of commitment issues," I stated as calmly as I could, though my annoyance was reaching new levels while I told myself that I had no right to judge him when I had been in that same boat once.

"She does?" Jasper said, persevering in his evading tactics.

"Why do you keep her at arms length?" I went on. "I know it's not because you don't love her. Is she right? _Are _you reluctant to take the next step?"

"Maybe," he said, shrugging as if to say it didn't bother him at all.

"Then what are you going to do about it?"

"Fuck! I don't know, alright?" he yelled, finally snapping. "Do you really think I wouldn't have already bought a fucking ring if I did?"

"You want to be ready, but you're not," I stated.

"Yes," he said, nodding frantically. "And I wish it was just some kind of switch I could turn or trick I could learn or something….but it's not."

"I know," I said, nodding at his words.

"You do?" he asked, his confusion visible on his face.

"We are more alike than I'd like to admit," I said, the bile starting to rise again at the thought of how I used to be. "In fact…I could teach to a lesson or two I reckon."

"Yeah right," he grinned, rolling his eyes.

"Didn't Bella ever tell you about my past?" I asked, a little amazed that Jasper, apparently, was completely in the dark about all of this.

"She never spoke about you," he said softly. "It hurt too much."

"Right," I replied, swallowing back my regret as I clenched my hands together. "But not even after…?"

"Nope," Jasper shrugged. "I guess she thought that your secrets were yours to tell."

"That sounds like Bella," I chuckled. "Tough, to be honest, not even she knew that much anyway."

"Tell me," he insisted, looking at me with that look that had been strangely missing over the last couple of months. The look where you knew he was trying to gauge how you were feeling and what he could do to help.

"There's nothing much to tell," I said with a shrug. "When I started out at Dartmouth I hung out with the wrong crowd, turned into a complete manwhoring ass and fucked my way through the female campus population until Esme finally managed to get through to me somewhere during my third year there."

"Esme?"

"Yeah," I chuckled. "I guess it doesn't do well for my 'though guy' reputation that my mother had to travel all the way down to Hanover to lecture me on my behavior, does it?"

"Don't worry, he laughed, "I won't tell Emmett. But continue…"

"Thanks," I replied, dragging one of my hands through my hair. "If you would have told me ten years ago that in the not so very distant future I'd be happily married with two kids I would have either landed your ass in hospital or asked you what kind of dope you were on, because I wasn't exactly a one woman man back then."

"But you changed," Jasper mused. "How?"

"I met Bella," I said with a sigh, remembering those days in Florida where she came crashing into my orderly but bleak existence like a cometh through a night sky. "From the first moment I held her it was like my whole world shifted on it axis." I shrugged, looking at my hands. "I knew I wanted to be with her, no matter what sacrifices I had to make. I _had_ to be with her."

"That's it?" he asked surprised. "You decided to give up on your old life just like that?"

"I had already given up on my old life," I explained. "After Esme managed to make me see sense I tried to put as much distance between me and my old friends as I could and try to make up for my despicable behavior. Bella was just the push in the right direction that I needed to break with the past for good."

"Don't you ever want to go back to your days of freedom?"

"Why would I?" I replied with a bitter laugh. "I was miserable back then and poured my misery in the worst of actions, pulling others down with me. I don't miss it. Not even for a second. Do you?"

He looked at me as if to gauge how my response to the truth would be before his reluctant reply came. "Yes, sometimes I do."

"Why?" I asked, trying not to let the anger that was boiling up in my stomach show. I could understand him to a certain level. I knew how difficult it was to let go of the lifestyle of an ardent bachelor. Hell, it had taken me the best part of two years to do it. On the other hand…it was my little sister who would suffer the consequences if his 'experiment' would go wrong.

"I don't know," he said, averting his eyes from my gaze as he moved around in his seat. "It's not as if I mind having Alice around all the time. I mean…she's amazing and I love her like crazy. It's just that sometimes I really want a little bit of space to make my own decisions, wear the clothes I want to wear, go out and have a couple of beers with my friends….You know? I'm afraid that if I get married to her I will loose what little freedom I still have left!"

"And you think she's smothering you?" I asked.

"Sometimes," he whispered.

"She has that tendency," I smirked, remembering what it was like growing up with the little sprite. "Did you ever tell her to back up a few steps?"

"Did you?" he grinned.

"Touché," I chuckled. "But what are you gong to do about this?"

"I don't know."

I saw Carlisle's rental Mercedes pull up in front of the house, the backseat stuffed with bags of greasy takeout junk food.

"Then think of something," I urged him, walking up to him and placing my hand on his shoulder. "All of this shit is hurting Alice and I can't have you do that. Make up your mind to be with her or not be with her and _if _you do want to be with her, I'll advise you to think of some pretty romantic scheme to make up for the last couple of weeks because if it would be me, I don't even know if I'd take you back right now."

"I guess you're right," he sighed. "I mean…I know you are. I just need a little time."

"Well don't keep her waiting for too long," I warned, squeezing the hand that was still resting on his shoulder so that he knew I was fucking serious. "As you may know…Alice isn't the most patient person on earth and neither am I." I gave him my best big brother glare. "I don't need to explain what is going to happen when you hurt Alice, right?"

"No need," he muttered, shrugging his shoulder away as he rose to help Carlisle and Emmett unload the bags from the car.

"Good," I mused. "It's nice to have that cleared up."

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"I wonder what the guys have been doing all day," Rose smirked as we pulled into my street. "I bet they didn't even leave the house."

"I bet they did nothing better than scratch their asses and drink beer," Alice chimed in, snorting at the idea.

"You have to give them some credit," Esme chuckled. "I'm sure they thought of something useful to do with their time."

"They are men," Alice huffed. "Of course they didn't. They need a woman to go and tell them what to do or they'd never even get out of bed."

"I'm sleepy," Libby complained from the back seat, her eyes nearly drooping closed.

"I know honey," I smiled, maneuvering the car in to its regular parking spot. "We're almost home."

"I'll go find Carlisle and see if he's finished packing," Esme sighed discontentedly as she exited the car and helped Libby out. "We have to be at La Guardia in two hours."

"Can I help, grandma?" Libby asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Of course sweetheart," Esme smiled, taking her by the hand and leading her towards the house.

"Honey? I'm ho-me!" I sang as we walked back into the house after an exhausting day of getting pampered at the spa.

It was nice to spend a day where the hardest decision you had to make was whether to go for pink or red nails (I had defied the wrath of Alice and decided on red, much to Rose's amusement). It had left me exhausted though, and dying to get back to Edward and Masen.

With things slowly going back to normal again my life had taken an unexpected, but very welcome, turn for the better. Edward had slowly been expanding his responsibilities at the hospital again and even though he still wasn't working full shifts and was only allowed to perform small procedures, he was glad to be back in the saddle.

He had been a different man ever since had had gone back to work. Not a day went by where he didn't leave me some small present – sometimes just a flower or a little poem, tucked into my bag in the morning only to be discovered when I opened my bag at work – or told me that he loved me. It even looked like he enjoyed being home with Libby and Masen more now that he knew he would be going back to his normal routine soon.

My life was perfect and the effect it was having on my brain was all too welcome.

With Edward spending more time at home and me having less things to worry about, I could finally make some room in my mind to develop some ideas I had had for my thesis. For weeks now I had been doing research and making outlines but whenever I sat down to actually write something – which was what the university paid me for – nothing came. I must have stared at that damned white Word document for hours until one day, two weeks ago, inspiration had struck and I had cranked out multiple pages of original work in one day.

I still couldn't believe it.

I even got the entire chapter done on Wednesday, right before Thanksgiving. Sure, it needed some work and an awful lot of editing, but just the fact that I had made a significant amount of progress had me dancing around the house belting out Johnny Cash tunes.

I knew that as soon as Edward would go back to working full shifts again things would get harder for us, but I felt that this time I would be better prepared when the moment came. I knew what was expected of me, I knew where my limits lay and – most of all – I knew how to tackle Jane.

After a couple more tugs of war between the two of us Jane had backed off a little, though I had no doubt in my mind it was only for a brief 'cease fire' to recapture her strength and think of a new plan of attack.

"Who's honey are you looking for?" Emmett voice boomed from the living room over the sound of Charlie's toddler squeals and ESPN.

"Baby!" Rose giggled, pushing past us as she rushed into the living room. I wasn't entirely sure who it was she was referring to.

"Where's Edward?" I asked, walking into the living room to find only Emmett and Jasper lounging on the sofa, Emmett half buried underneath Rose's Amazon-like frame.

"Masen needed a diaper change," Jasper chuckled, his eyes searching out Alice who was still standing behind me in the doorframe. "He's upstairs."

"Hi Jazz," Alice greeted shyly, apparently a little uncertain how to act. Alice wouldn't say anything about it, not even when the two of us had been alone during the second half of our program but I guessed whatever had been said last night had been bad.

"Hello, beautiful," he drawled back, his eyes shining with an unspoken apology. "You look nice. What have you ladies been up to all day?"

"Thanks!" Alice sang, plopping down next to him on the sofa and landing a light kiss on his cheek as she launched into an explanation of the various treatments she had undergone today. "What about you guys?" she concluded.

"Nothing much," Jasper replied with a shrug. "Just hang out."

"Hang out?" Alice repeated, annoyance creeping into her voice.

"We got us some burgers and beers and watched the game," Emmett added, apparently rather proud of himself. "Played a bunch of videogames too when we were done. You should have seen your dad. He has mean motor skills for an old guy!"

"That's all you could come up with?" Alice huffed indignantly. "Burgers and baseball?"

"It's perfectly manly," Emmett shrugged, looking like a five year old getting scolded by his mom.

"It's boring," Alice growled, tightening her eyes into disapproving slits. "I expected better from you."

"Carlisle thought of it," Emmett interjected.

"And how is that going to make me feel less disappointed?" Alice scolded as Emmett fidgeted nervously in front of her.

"Wow Alice!" I chuckled, looking at the pitiful mess that was once my big, boisterous brother. "You should have gone into teaching."

"Nah," she said with a shrug. "Too stuffy."

"Bella!" Edwards eyes lit up as he walked into the living room with Masen in his arms. "You're back."

"I am," I smiled, kissing his lips as I took my baby boy from him. "How was your day?"

"Eventful," he chuckled.

"Alice doesn't seem to agree with you on that."

"Then she never spend an afternoon with a goofball, two bored doctors and a comittophobe," Edward chuckled. "I don't think I've ever been happier to see you!"

"Hmm," I hummed, setting Masen back into his playpen and wrapping my arms around my husband's torso. "Same goes for me."

"You didn't have a nice time at the spa?" he asked.

"I did," I yawned, "but you try spending a day with Alice and Rose."

"Right," he chuckled, hugging me a little closer. "Poor baby."

We were both shocked out of our bubble when the phone started ringing.

"Let me get that," Edward half-growled, almost pushing me off his lap in his hurry to get to the phone.

He managed to bolt through the room and snatch the phone away right before Emmett's large hands made contact with it, growling a curt 'hello' into the receiver before relaxing visibly as the person on the other end made him or herself known.

Emmett and Jasper looked at me to see if I had any explanation for his behavior but concluded that it probably wasn't important when I shrugged and refocused their attention on the game.

"What's with the phone act?' Rose whispered as she sat down next to me while Edward retreated into the study with the phone.

"Don't know," I replied. "He's been acting like that ever since he went back to work. If I didn't know him like I do I would have been worried."

"Come on Bella!" Rose laughed. "It's Edward we're talking about here. There's probably some perfectly insane but – in his eyes – completely logical explanation for his behavior."

'That's what I thought," I said with a sigh. "It probably has something to do with the fellowship."

"We're ready to go now," Esme announced with a sad smile as she entered the living room. "Carlisle is just bringing down our luggage."

"I'll go see if he needs help," Edward announced as he reentered the living room, placing a lithe kiss on Esme's cheeks as he walked past her. "Don't be sad, mom. We'll see each other again in only a couple of weeks."

"I guess you're right," she admitted, beaming because of Edward's choice of words, "but we hardly got a chance to talk…"

"Esme?" Carlisle's voice interrupted us. "have you got everything, darling?"

"I'm all set," Esme sighed, hugging Jasper, Emmett, Charlie and Rose goodbye before joining her husband in the foyer, her arms linked with Alice and mine.

"Look mommy!" Libby squealed as she walked down the stairs carrying Esme's beauty case. "I'm helping daddy and grandpa get the luggage down!"

"That's so nice of you, sweetie," I grinned, disentangling myself from Esme's hold to give her a chance to say goodbye to her daughter in private. "I'm sure daddy and grandpa were very happy with that."

"Where can I put it?" she asked, her brows scrunched up in concentration as she carried the case as if it were filled with bone china.

"You can bring it to grandpa," I said. "He's out by the car."

"Okay," she nodded, her tongue sticking out between her teeth as she walked out the door to complete her task.

"I hope we'll be able to talk some more when the four of you come to Chicago for Christmas," Esme spoke as we watched Libby help Carlisle to put the beauty case in the car.

"I hope so too," I replied.

"Esme?" Carlisle called out. "Are you ready to go?"

"Just a minute," Esme replied, wrapping her arms around me and enveloping me in motherly warmth and Chanel no 5. "Take care of yourself, Bella," she implored me. "I can see you're doing better but you're not there yet. Be sure to always leave plenty of time for yourself and for love and don't ever feel guilty about it."

"I'll try," I sighed.

"And take good care of my Edward for me," she continued, her voice faltering with emotion. "Don't let him work too hard." She gave me a pointed look, letting me know the same went for me.

"I won't," I sniffed, trying very hard not to cry in front of everyone. Having her around, even if it was for a few days, always made me realize how much I missed a maternal figure in my everyday life. I might have been an adult with two kids of my own, but that didn't mean I didn't miss my mom – or the mom she used to be.

"And we'll see each other again when you fly in for Christmas," she concluded, squeezing me tight before letting me go, plating a kiss on my forehead and waving a final goodbye to everyone else as she joined Carlisle, Edward and Libby by the car.

I watched as she hugged Edward and Libby before getting into the passenger seat as Libby skipped back towards me while Edward placed the last of the suitcases into the trunk of the Mercedes.

I looked at him as he moved with the grace of a tiger, his snug long sleeve shirt revealing the flexing and stretching of the muscles on his chest and back as he grabbed a suitcase and lifted it into the air.

"I bet ya can't wait for all of us to get out of here and play naughty nurses with Edward, don't you?" Emmett grinned as the rest joined us outside.

"Ooh! Are we going to play nurse?" Libby squealed, her tiredness forgotten at the mere mention of a game. "Can I play too?"

"I doubt that sweetheart," Rose snorted. "I think your mom and dad may want to be alone for that one."

"Not fair," Libby pouted. "I want to play too."

"Maybe when you're a bit older," Rose grinned. "But don't tell your daddy I said that!"

"Don't tell her daddy what?" Edward asked as he came within hearing distance and wrapped his arm around my waist as we waved his parents goodbye until they were out of sight.

"Nothing," Rose sang innocently as we walked back into the house. "But I do think it's time for us to call it a night, don't you, my lovely husband?" She winked suggestively at me as she linked her arm with Emmett.

"Why yes, dear wife," my brother cooed. "I do believe it's time for me to take you home and ravage you until the wee hours of the night are upon us."

"Ewww! Emmett!" I yelled, once again happy that Libby, impatient as she was, had already joined Alice and Jasper inside. "How is it that you manage to turn even the most archaic of words into soft porn?"

"It's a gift, sister dear,' Emmett grinned. "But I don't expect you simple woman folk to understand."

"Asshole," Rose growled, smacking him up the head. "Sometimes I really wonder why the hell I got stuck with ape-man over there."

"Because you love me?" he grinned, flashing his dimples.

"That would be it," Rose sighed, rolling her eyes at him.

They all left shortly after that, making the house almost eerily quiet as we were alone with just the four of us for the first time in three days.

Dinner consisted of leftover turkey (much to Libby's relief) and some vegetables that had escaped yesterday's cookout after which we all vedged out on the sofa, tired after a whole day of doing next to nothing.

"Who's got tuck-in duty tonight?" I asked, when I saw that it was near Libby and Masen's bedtime.

"I'll do it," Edward chuckled, "that is…if you make it woth my while."

"Cheeky bastard," I muttered, low enough so that only he could hear me.

"Tell me Bella," he crooned, his eyes scorching into mine as his hand started tracing a path from my temples down my jaw until it rested right above my heart. "Would you have it any other way?"

"No?" I managed to squeak, my insides turned completely to mush.

"Thought so," he grinned smugly

"Now off you go," I chuckled, shooing him away. "And maybe, if you're a very good boy, I'll show you the present Alice left for me in my lingerie drawer later on."

"I can't wait," he grinned, swatting my ass before limping out of the room.

The doorbell rang as I heard the sounds of Libby and Edward going through the regular routine of bath, bedtime story and goodnight kiss. I figured it must be Alice or Rose, coming back because they forgot something.

"I'll get it!" I yelled up as I walked into the foyer, switching on the light and opening the front door without even bothering to glance though the peephole.

"Back so so-," I started as I opened the door, cutting off my sentence when I realized that the person standing in front of me wasn't Emmett or Rose. In fact, it was a complete stranger. "Hello. Can I help you?"

The woman standing on the doorstep looked at me as if she knew me already as she appraised the house with curiosity and mischievous amusement before settling her eyes back on me. She was beautiful, though that word sounded almost too mundane to describe her.

Astonishing would me more like it.

Her features were well near perfect from the pale, flawless skin to her long, thick dark blond hair. The way she held herself had an aristocratic air about it, like she came from good breading and wanted the world to know it. It made me wonder what a woman like her was doing on my doorstep.

"Bella, right?" she asked, a thick Eastern-European accent lending a husky air to her words. A smug smile played on her lips as soon as I confirmed who I was.

It was a smile I knew only too well. I had lived with it during most of my years at high school and the first two years of college, though I had to admit it didn't bother me as much as it did back then anymore.

It was the smile of a woman who had sized up the competition and had found it to be inferior. The funny thing was, I couldn't even blame her. I mean, compared to her I _was_ inferior.

"Are you looking for something?" I asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Yes," she smiled, the smugness mingling with a dose of mischief. "I would like to speak to my husband."

* * *

_**!!!!!!!!THIS STORY ISN'T GOING TO TURN INTO AN EPISODE OF BIG LOVE!!!!!!**_

_**There is a perfectly legal and (in the world of Miss Baby) logical explanation for this. Remember: this is Irina we're dealing with and she's not exactly a nice person.**_

_**Edward will have some explaining to do in the next chapter, as you might have guessed. I hope to have it up on Monday, as planned, but it's going to be a tough one to write. I'll leave some clues and teasers on the twilighted thread. **_

_**Please leave me your thoughts…..**_


	14. The truth

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.**

_**November 2009**_

"Did you have fun at the spa today?" I asked as I pulled the covers over my daughters small frame.

"I did, daddy," she yawned. "Do you think mommy and aunt Alice will let me go with them again next time?"

"I don't know, sweetie," I chuckled, "did you ask them?"

"I forgot," she giggled, grabbing the book we had been reading from the nightstand and offering it to me. "Can you read the same chapter as you did yesterday?" she asked. "It was so funny. I want to hear it again."

"Sure," I chuckled, rifling through the book to find the chapter of the book we had been reading.

I loved moments like these, when I got to tuck the kids in for the night. It was one of the few moments in the day where I'd have Libby and Masen all to myself with nothing better to do than talk and read or – in Masen's case – just watch.

Masen was still growing faster every day. Being six months old he had really started to reach out to the world around him over the last couple of weeks, even managing to sit up clumsily only to fall back down again when there was no one to hold him.

He was also starting to talk, which had opened the race for which parent he was going to name first -though I had to admit I had already cheated. Knowing it would be another blow to my already guilt ridden and borderline burnt out wife if he would say my name first I had tried to persuade him in the direction of 'momma'.

So far without success.

The only thing he said, apart from a whole lot of incoherent stuff, was 'boo' which he said so much Alice had actually asked me if the house was haunted.

"Daddy?" Libby asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry sweetheart," I apologized. "I was just thinking about Masen and how big he's getting."

"I know," she nodded, her eyes huge as she pointed towards the book. "Do you think Masen will be like Emil when he grows up?"

Esme had given Libby a copy of Astrid Lindgren's _Emil of Lönneberga_when she flew in a couple of weeks ago, claiming Libby might like to read something other than the works of Roald Dahl for a change (which had been completely unfeasible to both Libby and Bella). She had grown to love the book though, almost as much as I had when Esme read it to me years ago. Even though some of the stuff in the book was a little dated, the pranks the little boy pulled on his relatives and friends were universal and still very funny, even for an adult.

"I hope not!" I chuckled, "Why? Would you like it if your brother was as naughty as him?"

"I think it would be funny," she giggled, "though I don't think it would be nice if he hoisted me up in a flagpole."

"That might be a bit…inconvenient, yes," I nodded, smiling as I lifted the book in my hands. "Besides…I don't think mommy would like it if we had to get rid of her rosebushes to built a tool shed in the back yard."

"Can I have a piglet, daddy?" I had been anticipating the question ever since she had brought up the subject of Emil. Lately Libby had been all about pets and hobbies, preferably all at once like the desire for horseback riding she still nourished.

"I don't think a pig would like it here very much," I replied. "Too little space."

"You may be right," she pouted. "Babe didn't like the city very much either."

"Babe?"

"The pig from the movie," she explained.

"Right, the talking pig," I snorted, remembering walking into the living room to find an entranced Libby and a bawling Alice and Bella watching some ridiculous movie about a talking pig.

"Just read," she huffed, crossing her arms above the blanket. She hated it when I made fun of things she liked.

"Right," I chuckled. "Where were we?"

"The Svenssons are having guests over for dinner and Emil sticks his head in the soup terrine when he wants to slurp up the last drops of soup," Libby summarized.

"Are you sure you don't want me to read the next chapter?" I asked, "it looks to me like you already know the chapter by heart."

"I'm sure," she huffed, rolling her eyes.

"Right, then," I said in a mock hurt tone, trying to keep my amusement out of my eyes. "Let's see….."

We were just getting into the story when the doorbell rang downstairs. I paused, tensing up at the sound like I had done for the past couple of weeks. I knew, like all those times before, it was probably nothing but somehow I couldn't shake the feeling of dread every time I heard the telephone or door bell. Deep down I knew it was wrong to keep Irina's appearance in my life hidden from Bella. At the time the combination of blind panic and the completely wiped out look my wife had been sporting of late had driven me to make it. I couldn't add to her burden.

I couldn't cause her more pain than she was feeling already, even if I knew I was betraying her trust and our love.

Now that the decision had been made and time had passed it was getting harder and harder for me to come clean every day, though the weight of my conscience was getting heavier every minute that passed.

"I'll get it!" Bella yelled from downstairs as she ambled into the foyer and started fumbling with the locks on the door.

"Daddy?" Libby asked, her eyes visibly questioning why her dad was suddenly looking like there was a loaded gun pointed at his face.

"Sorry sweetheart," I apologized, letting out a huge gust of air before I forced my attention back to the story about the boy stuck in the soup terrine. There was nothing I could do now. Bella had probably already opened the door and even if she hadn't…she probably wouldn't appreciate it if I came crashing down the stairs to beat her to the door. Her patience with me had been tested enough with my erratic phone answering behavior of late.

I hadn't read a full sentence when sounds from downstairs drifted though the bedroom door.

Sounds I had dreaded for weeks.

"Daddy?" I felt something tugging at my arm and realized it must be Libby, still wondering why I had stopped reading all of a sudden.

"Would it be alright if I go check on mommy for a second?" I managed to ask in a voice that somewhat resembled my normal speaking voice. "I promise to finish the story if you're still awake when I get back."

"Sure," she replied, her huge green eyes frowning at me, no doubt trying frantically to connect the pieces of the puzzle. "Goodnight daddy."

"Goodnight angel," I sighed, trying to smile as I leaned in to kiss her forehead, rising unsteadily to my feet.

As I switched off the light and closed the door I saw her snuggle underneath the blankets, clutching her bear to her chest as she sighed contentedly and closed her eyes. At least she didn't look upset or startled by my behavior.

"Are you looking for something?" I heard Bella ask below me as I closed the door and speed walked down the landing to the stairs.

"I would like to speak to my husband." Her words sounded loud and clear and were spoken with no small amount of mirth, reminding me once again how she belonged to another world.

A world as distant to me now as the earth to the moon.

"Excuse me?" I heard Bella say before I could interrupt or even get my miserable ass down the stairs. It was obvious that she was confused, a bit unsettled even. I wondered what had preceded this. How much of the exchange between them had I missed?

"My husband," Irina repeated in an authoritative voice. "Edward Cullen"

A growl ripped though my chest as I launched myself down the stairs, not caring if I did any new damage to my broken leg.

"I do believe you're mistaken," Bella started, anger now seeping into her voice. "Edward….."

"Get out, Irina," I growled, wrapping my arms around Bella from behind and pulling her flush against my chest. "I thought I told you to stay away."

"There's not harm in trying," Irina chuckled with a sarcastic smile. "God! Is this really how you live nowadays?"

"Bella," I pleaded, ignoring Irina for now as I turned my wife around, cradling her head in my hands, "please…would you go back to the living room while I deal with this?"

"Edward, I…" she started to object.

"Please," I begged, "I will explain everything later. Just, please, let me deal with this for now."

"Very well," she stated, her eyes conveying a dazzling amount of emotions, all fighting for supremacy. Fear and confusion seemed to be the strongest ones…at least for now.

"I love you," I assured her as I watched her shoot a sharp glare in Irina's direction before retreating back into the living room.

"How touching," Irina smirked. "The reformed manwhore doesn't want his slovenly little housewife to know about his seedy past."

"You don't get to talk about her," I stated, trying not to let my murderous thoughts rule my actions or words. "What is it you want?"

"I want to talk," she stated, equally calm.

"You had your chance to talk," I barked. "I think I made it pretty clear back then that I don't want anything to do with you."

"As if you get to decide that on your own," she snorted. "I want to talk and – by God – I won't let anything stand in my way."

"You've really grown as a person since we last met," I said, sarcasm lacing my voice.

"You're the one to talk," she scowled. "You seduced me just so that you could get your hands on some old car!"

"Last time I checked you weren't exactly an unwilling subject," I spat back. "I may have been a complete jackass back then but it's not like I forced you – or any of the other ones for that matter – to have sex with me."

"But you forced every single one of us out of your life as soon as you got what you wanted," she countered.

"If you think I'm such a worthless prick, the what the hell are you still doing here?"

"You may have been a worthless prick," she smiled, "but your prick most certainly wasn't worthless."

"You're not getting anywhere near it," I growled. "As I said before…I'm happily married now and there's nothing you, nor anyone else, can change about that."

"Edward," she purred, shaking her head. "You know as well as I do that you can take the boy out of temptation's way, but you can never make him resist temptation."

"Go home Irina," I growled. "I'm not the same person I was back then anymore and I'll be damned if I ever go back to that. Whatever foolish plans or notion you may have…let them go. You won't be getting anything from me." With that I slammed the door in her face and turned my back to the past, hoping – against my better judgment – that she would do the same.

I stumbled a few steps backwards, grabbing the banister of the stairs as the world spun madly around me. I had to come up with a plan. I had to think of what I was going to tell Bella. There was no way around it now. I didn't know what it had been exactly that Irina had told her, but I knew it had been enough to raise my wife's suspicions. She wouldn't be dazzled into accepting a halfassed explanation. She wanted the truth. She deserved the truth.

"Dammit!" I growled to myself, dragging my hands through my hair.

I couldn't deal with this. Not right now. Not on top of everything else that was happening.

I couldn't hurt her.

But I had to.

Taking the cowards way out I decided to check up on Libby before facing Bella. I had promised my daughter I would finish the story if she was still awake when I got back and it would set a bad example if I broke my word.

'_Yeah, right! Like you're such a steadfast, reliable role model,'_ my subconscious snorted at me.

I told it to shut the fuck up as I made my way back up the stairs where I opened the door to her bedroom with no small amount of trepidation, the light streaming in from the landing illuminating my daughters sleeping face. I released a breath that I had been holding for ages. At least that was one explanation I didn't have to make. From the look of it Libby had fallen asleep as soon as I had left the room, the edges of her comforter tugged down as she still cradled her bear to her chest.

I tiptoed into the room, making sure my actions didn't wake her up as I gently pulled the covers up to keep her warm during the night.

I checked in on Masen, making sure he was sleeping as soundly as his big sister before concluding that there was nothing left to postpone the inevitable with. I had to face Bella.

I walked back down the stairs with lead in my shoes, trying desperately to find words that explained what I had been before Bella met me that wouldn't make her leave.

There were none. My behavior was inexcusable and irredeemable.

Bella was nervously pacing in front of the fireplace when I entered the living room. When she heard me come in she looked up, her worried, frantic eyes looking up at me to find some kind of reassurance. Something that would tell her that everything would be alright.

I couldn't even offer that to her.

"Edward," she asked, her desperation straining in her voice. "Who was that woman? What is going on?"

"She's…..I mean…." I dragged my hand though my hair, starting a million sentences but finishing none. "We were…Fuck, this is hard!"

Please," she pleaded. "You have to tell me. I need to know. What is she to you?"

I sighed. "We were together once, in a distant past."

"But she said…"

"I know."

"Is she?"

"It's complicated."

"Then explain."

I took a deep breath, knowing that this would probably be one of the most important conversations of my life. Bella would end up hurt, no matter what her reaction to my words would be. The only thing I could hope for now was that she wouldn't be too appalled by my behavior to ever forgive me.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

I heard the hushed voices of Edward and the woman drifting through the door but, as much as I wanted to know what they were saying, I couldn't bring myself to listen. I wanted to know but I was afraid – terrified even – of what I would learn.

"For heaven's sake Bella," I muttered to myself. "Man up,! You're grown woman with two children! Cowering in the corner like a shell-shocked idiot isn't going to get you anywhere!"

My mind was buzzing with questions that needed answering, but most of all I was wondering what the hell was going on and why on earth this was happening to me. The words of that woman haunted every erratic beat of my heart.

_I would like to speak to my husband. _

I knew it was a lie. It must have been. Edward married me. He stood in front of a priest and declared his love for me, renouncing all others. He couldn't have done that when he was already married. Not only because it was illegal to have more than one wife, but mostly because I didn't deem him capable of that kind of deception.

But then again if she had been lying then how did she and Edward meet? There was no doubt in my mind that they knew each other. They knew each other very well.

By that time I was pacing around frantically, trying to come up with a logical explanation for what just happened that didn't involve my husband in bed with her but even my normally so creative brain failed me.

I heard the door slam, followed by an eerie silence that seemed to last forever until in the end it was broken by the sound of footsteps climbing up the stairs.

Edward was stalling which could mean only one thing….He knew I would be upset by whatever it was he was going to say to me and he wanted some more time to think about what words to use to lessen the blow.

"I can take it," I muttered to myself. "Whatever he is going to say…I can take it."

Judging from his reaction and the look of the woman I had a feeling this had something to do with Edwards past. His so called 'years of rebellion' to be precise.

From what Edward and Esme had told me about it I knew that Edward had been less than discernible in who he shared his bed with during those years so I figured this woman must have been one of them.

But there was still the 'wife' thing….

I didn't know how much time had passed until I heard footsteps coming down the stairs again. I closed my eyes as I kept pacing the small bit of empty space in front of the fireplace, trying to keep myself from showing just how much all of this was affecting me. If I started crying now I would certainly screw up any chance I had of ever finding out the truth.

"Edward?" I finally asked, barely keeping it together as I turned towards him, slowly searching his eyes in the dwindling light of twilight. "Who was that woman? What is going on?"

"She's…..I mean…." He looked utterly frustrated as he stood in the door opening, dragging his hand through his hair while stumbling over his words. "We were…Fuck, this is hard!"

"Please." I was beyond desperate. I had to know who is was, what relation she had to my husband and where that left us. I had to know, even if it would break my heart. "You have to tell me. I need to know. What is she to you?"

"We were together once, in a distant past." His voice registered barely above a whisper as he uttered the words that were the confirmation of my worst fear.

They had been together.

"But she said…" Now that the cat was out of the bag I wanted to study every hair on its frame. The woman had clearly asked for her husband and I had to know if there was any shard of truth in what she had said.

"I know."

"Is she?"

"It's complicated."

What did he mean by that? Why couldn't he just confirm or deny it? I tried to make my face look as stern and compelling as I could when I spoke, my voice sounding more sure and commanding than I would have held myself capable of. "Then explain."

He sighed, his eyes speaking volumes as they flashed to mine for the slightest hint of a moment before turning away again. "Do you remember James?" he asked, sagging down onto the sofa like a man defeated.

"Yes?" I replied, wondering what the hell James had to do with the woman – Irina – at the door. I remembered James very well. The few times I had seen him – in Florida and last year at our wedding – he had always made me feel uneasy. I didn't know what it was, his sharp, hawkeyed stare that seemed to be piercing through all layers of clothing you had on your body or maybe it was just the way he had acted around me in Florida…He just kind of unnerved me.

"I met James when I first started out at university," he started, his eyes downcast as his fingers were woven together so closely his knuckles were starting to turn white. "He saw me for what I was – a naïve little rich boy – and knew how to take advantage of it." He paused, wringing his hands together. "Then again…I shouldn't place all the blame on him. I was only too willing to do everything he told me to and more, just so that I could get away from all the pressure and the events of the past…I kind of idolized him too. He was so popular and he had such an easy way of mingling with people, girls especially. I was jealous…"

"You were young…" I said, knowing full well what it felt like to be thrown into a world you didn't understand. It had been hard enough for me, I couldn't even begin to imagine how it must have been if you had the name and money of a Cullen.

"That was no excuse," he replied, the sharpness of his voice making me take an involuntary step backwards. He ducked his head even lower, his voice apologetic as he spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay," I whispered, crossing the room to take a seat on the coffee table in front of him. I took his hands, untangling his fingers before he accidentally broke them as I took them in mine. "Continue."

"Do you remember what I told you about my past all those years ago?" he asked, lifting his head up to look at me, his green eyes conveying his shame and self-loathing.

"I do," I nodded, knowing where this was leading us.

"I didn't even come near the truth when I told you how I kind of 'got lost' during those first few years of college," he sighed. "I was afraid that if I told you what I had really been back then you would run as far away as you could. I still am…"

"Don't be," I said. "You can tell me everything. I won't be going anywhere."

"You say that now…"

"Quit stalling and tell me the truth," I replied, my eyes hopefully letting him know I wasn't angry with him, just a little annoyed at the lack of trust he seemed to be having in my loyalty to him.

"Very well," he sighed defeated, bringing one of my hands to his lips and kissing the back of it before lowering it back down as he continued his recount of the past. "James made it his mission to 'make a man out of me' or – better said – teach me the things he thought would make a man out of me; sex, drugs and plain indifference to the feelings of those around me." He stopped and I gave his hands a gentle squeeze to let him know it was alright to continue. "With his help I became the most selfish and undeserving lowlife of a monster that ever walked the face of this earth."

"I'm sure…" I started, trying to reassure him.

"No Bella," he stopped me. "You can't trivialize my behavior, not before you've even heard the worst of it." He paused, his hands tugging on his hair. "I was a fucking pig back then. No…even worse than that. I used women as disposable items for God's sake! For three years the only things on my mind were which campus bash I was going to attend that night and how many women I was going to screw once I was there."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say. I knew Edwards past had been very different from mine and I had imagined that – given his looks and his heritage – there would probably have been loads of women, but I had no idea that he himself would have been so different from the Edward I had come to know and love. "Why did you do it?"

"Because I could," he replied, casting his glance down to his hands again. "It was the easy way out, I admit. Rather than facing the pain the death of my parents had caused and working though it, I ran away from it."

"So you had a lot of sex," I mused, testing the words on my lips as I tried to come to terms with the thought of them.

"I wish it was just that," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I asked, a horrible thought entered my mind. "You didn't…"

"No!" he yelled. "I would never do that! I didn't have to...What I tried to say is that …afterwards…I behaved even less like a gentleman than when I tried to lure them into my bed." He took an other deep breath, steeling himself for whatever he was going to say next. "When James taught me the basic principles of being a player he never thought I would grow out to become stiff competition for him. When he realized I was at least as accomplished in getting girls into my bed and as welcome a guest at parties as he was, he decided to up the ante…turn it all into some sort of game…a game with rules."

"There were rules?" I half snorted.

"Well, they were more like guidelines," he smirked. "You know…never get attached, don't go home with a girl when she lives with one or more relatives, never sleep with the same girl twice…"

"In other words, be the anti-boyfriend?" I summarized.

"You could say it like that," he chuckled. "It also involved dumping a girl as soon as you were done with her."

"Fuck and run." The words left my mouth before I realized.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Emmett," I shrugged. "Imagine being a hotshot college football player, on your way to greatness…"

"So you mean he…" he interrupted me.

"Emmett was able to resist temptation," I replied. "It also helped that he had a pretty steady girlfriend at the time. He took me aside the summer before I left for Yale to tell me about guys who did to make it pretty clear that the world I was going to be let loose in was nothing like Forks."

"Figures he should warn you about guys like me," he chuckled, the tension of the conversation momentarily forgotten.

"And Irina?" I asked, still trying to wrap my head around everything he had told me.

"She transferred to Dartmouth from the Sorbonne University in Paris when I was in my third year," he started. "She was like us in a way. Beautiful, rich, promiscuous, ruthless….She had a strict policy on who she slept with though."

"How so?"

"She was a model, on her way to greatness," he explained. "She felt that college boys were beneath her, no matter their prowess in the bedroom." He shrugged as if to dismiss the fact as nothing of consequence. " Why screw the son when screwing the father can be of much more help to your career?"

"Right," I muttered, feeling like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole into a sick and perverted world. "But if her words are anything to go by you did manage to get her to give up those principles."

"It was during Spring Break, two years before you and I met," he continued. "James and I were still trying to one-up each other and with the arrival of Irina, who stemmed from an ancient line of Russian nobility, the game only got more and more interesting. She wouldn't even give us the time of day though." He sighed, shooting a quick glance in my direction before hiding his eyes again. "If I wouldn't have been so preoccupied with my own greatness I might have seen it for what it was – the players being played by a woman who had mastered that game like no other – instead I just thought she was acting coy. James and I were both so convinced of our success we even made a bet on it."

"A bet?"

He sighed. "We agreed that the one who managed to fuck her first would win the vintage Jaguar James had inherited from his grandfather."

"You did what?" I felt like such a fool for repeating his words like some brainless idiot but the truth was that I simply could not understand how Edward – my Edward – could have acted like this.

"God, I'm so sorry!" he cried out. "I wish I could undo the past, believe me I do, but it cannot be undone. Only a monster would seduce a woman only to get his greedy paws on a classic sports car."

"Go on," I commanded, my voice oddly emotionless. "Tell me everything."

He looked at me with a mixture of shock and pain and I had to fight to keep myself from falling onto my knees, telling him to stop and promising everything would be okay. I couldn't do that. I had to know the truth, all of it, before I decided how I was going to react.

"At first the chances of winning the bet were bleak. Irina was always surrounded by her friends and seemed to be less than impressed by the likes of us."

"But that changed?"

"Yes," he admitted. "We ended up following her to Cabo for Spring Break and I finally managed to get her alone for the day. God," he shook his head in disgust, a wry smile playing on his lips, "I remember how proud I was when she agreed to come back to me to the house we rented. I was so sure of my success…"

"Go on," I encouraged him when he paused.

"There was something about her," he mused. "I think it was just the fact that she was so reluctant to give up the goods or something, but for the first time in years I found myself intrigued by a woman…"

"You let go of James' rulebook?" I couldn't help but smirk. "That must have pissed him off."

"By that time he was already beyond pissed because I had swindled him out of his granddad's car," he said with a shrug. "I think he couldn't care less about what I did with Irina."

"What happened?" I asked cautiously. I was almost sure that whatever hold Irina had over my husband must have originated from that day.

"I was already completely messed up when I stumbled upon her," he continued. "Looking back on it I sometimes wonder if it really was a chance meeting or if Irina and my 'friend' hadn't planned it all along...Anyway, I was so far gone I would probably have gone along with everything she asked me to, just to get laid." He looked at his hands again, his fingers balled into tight fists as he sighed and looked up. "Even if it meant putting a ring on her finger."

"What?" I gasped.

"We got married that day by some Mexican priest. I would be amazed if the whole thing would have taken more than ten minutes…" he sighed, wringing his hands again. "Thank God the marriage wasn't even valid or I don't know what I would have done…"

"Hence the husband thing…." I muttered to myself.

"Yes," he sighed. "But you have to know that even then, I would never have done it if I had been sober. I freaked out first thing in the morning when I woke up and remembered what had happened, especially when I found out Irina had left somewhere during the night."

"She left?" I asked. I didn't seem logical to get a guy drunk, marry him and leave him as soon as he was asleep. But then again, none of this did…

He nodded. "I only calmed back down again when Juno – one of my friends and a pre-law student – told me that the marriage wouldn't be recognized in the US. In the end I just decided to forget the whole thing ever happened since there was nothing to worry about. I had been stupid and put in my place by a woman, but I was still a free agent and I had won myself a Jaguar. To me that was all that mattered."

"Did you ever see her again?" I asked.

"No. That night in Mexico was the last I saw of her before she turned up at the hospital a couple of weeks ago," Edward said. "It's not like she went out of her way to avoid me or anything. At least, I don't think so. She was just busy with her own projects and then she transferred to UCLA during the summer which meant that she would be out of my life forever, which was something I wasn't too sad about to be honest." He let out a humorless laugh before he continued. "According to a friend of mine she had said that though the Ivy League was all very smart and fine, being so far away from the heat was kind of putting the breaks on her career and she couldn't have that."

"Wait," I interrupted, his words only now registering. "Did you say she showed up at the hospital?"

"Yes," he whispered, his shoulders hunching even further as if he expected me to strike him.

"When?"

"Do you remember the Monday, a couple of weeks back, when Alice picked up the kids because I overstrained myself?"

"Yes?" I remembered it all too well. Edward had walked into Emmett's apartment that evening looking as pale as death. I had blamed it on the stress of being back at work after the accident, but apparently he had looked like he had seen a ghost because he really had…

"She must have seen me on television or read the interviews in the paper and thought she could gain something from striking up an acquaintance again because she just showed up that afternoon, acting like she owned the place and demanding I speak with her."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"Why?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not only had he kept this from me for weeks, it turned out he had also seen her, spoken to her…It made me wonder what else he had been hiding from me.

"I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't," he said with a sigh. "When she showed up I was shocked…I wasn't thinking straight. All I knew was that I would do anything to keep her as far away from you and the kids as possible."

"Well, that worked like a charm," I replied, annoyance seeping into my voice."I can't believe you kept this from me. All those times when you went out of your way to keep me from answering the phone or opening the door…You were afraid it was her, right?"

"Yes," he muttered.

"And to think that only today I defended your behavior when Rose made fun of you!"

"I'm sorry."

"You'd better be!" I snapped. "What did you say to her just now?"

"The same things I told her when she first showed up; that she'd better get the hell away from me because I wasn't interested in whatever plans she had with me."

"Do you think she'll listen?" I asked, my fear for what would happen is the woman would stumble across Libby one day outweighing my anger for the moment.

"I don't know," he sighed, defeated. "I hope she will."

"You lied to me," I stated, the realization causing more pain than anger. "You told me nothing was wrong…that it was all just the stress of going back to work. I believed you."

"I was scared, Bella," he pleaded. "I know it doesn't make it right, but I panicked. I didn't want to see you hurt."

"Like I am now?" I countered.

"I wanted to protect you from this," he sighed. "If I knew she would show up at our house I would have told you, please believe me…"

"I know," I sighed. It had always been in Edwards nature to protect me, even if his protection sometimes ended up hurting me more than whatever it was he had been protecting me against. "But that doesn't make it alright. Go on with the story."

"There not much more to tell," he muttered.

"It ended," I said, not wanting to hear any more about those black days. "How?"

"A couple of months after Cabo Esme dropped by. I only had a few more days of class before summer holiday and she happened to be in the neighborhood, though I have heard that tales of my…exploits had even traveled as far as Chicago." He dragged his hand though his hair again, giving him a few moments to find his words. "I'm ashamed to say she didn't have to look twice to see her suspicions confirmed."

"She caught you?" I asked, trying to imagine Esme's reaction. I couldn't imagine what it must have been like for her to see her son sinking to such low levels of behavior. I didn't know what I would have done if it were Masen…

"In flagrante," he nodded.

"What did she do?" I asked.

"She gave me a few minutes to compose myself and to allow the girl I was with to leave before she tore into me as only Esme can. You see, she can be quite scary when she's angry."

"I can imagine that!" I nodded. I was still very angry over his behavior over the last couple of weeks, though for now I didn't want it to stand in the way of getting the whole truth. I deserved that much. "What do I find hard to believe, however, is that someone who had stooped as low as you would be swayed by something as simple as a stern lecture from your mother!"

" I wish it were as simple as that," he sighed. "It took two heated discussions and a lot of words no son has any business of uttering to the woman who raised him for her to get through to me and even then there was always the danger of falling back into my old ways."

"When did that change?" I asked. "Because I remember that when you told me about your past that day on the boat, you were quite certain it was all in the past."

"You happened," he stated, his eyes looking up at me with an amount of love that almost knocked me off my feet. "It was beauty that killed the beast."

"What?"

"In the two years that passed between Esme's intervention and our first meeting in Florida I had cleaned up my act. I moved out of the house I shared with James and the others, quit partying, renounced my manwhoring ways and focused on my studies. It was all a very thin layer of veneer, though. I knew I was on the right path, but I also knew that not much was needed to make me fall off the wagon again."

"Then what the hell were you doing in Florida?" I asked.

"James wasn't ready to give up on me yet," he explained. "He has his ways of making people do exactly what he wants them to do and, to make a long story short, I ended up loosing a bet and being forced to join him for Spring Break." A smile broke though as he though of something, his eyes shining again as they sought mine. "Little did he know that the trip would sever my ties to him forever."

"Serves him right!" I muttered.

"I agree," he chuckled, before turning serious again. "The moment I saw you at the club I knew I never wanted to go back to the person I used to be. You were so different, so pure, so…."

"Disgusted with what I saw?" I snorted in spite of myself, remembering the drunks and the vomiting.

"Yes!" A faint smile broke through on his face. "I felt drawn to you in a way I had never imagined possible and I knew that if I would ever venture to deserve you, I would have to let go of the past. Every moment we spend together after that only served to make me understand what it had been that I was missing while I was out screwing everything that walked."

"But weren't you temped to fall back in your old ways when everything went wrong?"

"No," he said, his face saddening as he remembered the disastrous ending of our first days together. "I thought I deserved it. I thought it was fate's way of punishing me for everything I had done. All through our time together I knew I didn't deserve you, that my presence in your life would only drag you down to my questionable level. In a way it was only logical that fate would keep you – or any other woman as pure and lovely as you – away from me until I had proven myself as a man. As black as my days became when I thought I had lost you, I knew I never wanted to go back."

"I'm glad of it," I sighed, still trying to process everything he had told me as a laden silence settled over us. I knew Edward was giving me time to process and decide what I was going to do now that I knew the truth about his past but to be honest, I had no idea.

I had known about Edwards 'rebellious years' for almost as long as I knew him, but I had never thought about what it entailed. I knew there had probably been women – plenty of women – and the other temptations that are offered to those who are young, good-looking and rich, but I had been very happy in my ignorance of the reality of it all.

What would I do, now that I knew?

I knew I should be angry. In fact, I was a little pissed off at myself for not being more angry at that moment. He had treated women like unpaid prostitutes and had gone about not caring for anyone but himself. The thought alone disgusted me to no end. Hell, part of me was even starting to like that Irina woman for teaching him a lesson!

On the other hand…he was still Edward. My Edward. The reformed Edward who was as disgusted with the events in his past as I had been. The man who was right now looking like a pitiful pile of remorse as he waited for me to start yelling at him or throwing things at his head.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't be angry with him for the things he had done in a distant past, almost in another life.

"Let's just go to bed," I sighed, twining my fingers with is and tugging him upwards. "You have an early shift tomorrow."

"But…" He looked completely befuddled, his eyes starting into mine as if he expected me to blow up or fall apart at any second.

"I meant what I said Edward," I explained. "Sure, finding out what you did back then came as a shock to me and I'd be lying of I wouldn't need some time to come to terms with the…enormity of it, but I know you're not that man anymore. The Edward I came to love would never treat a woman like that." I let go of his hand to bring both of my hands to his face, cradling it in my hands as I forced him to look me in the eye. "I have faith in you, even when you seem to have so little faith in yourself."

"I don't deserve you," he whispered, his eyes misting with unshed tears.

"Love isn't a question of what anyone deserves," I said softly, crawling into his lap. "Love is the realization that your heart has found its counterpart and never, ever wants to let it go again. I love you Edward. I gave you my heart, my soul, my trust…my everything. I won't take that back at the first sign of trouble."

"You shouldn't forgive me so easily." He shook his head, trying to hide his eyes from me again. "Please…yell at me. Tell me what a monster I am."

"No."

"No?"

"I'm not saying everything's alright, because it's not." I struggled to stop the tears from falling. "You lied to me….deliberately kept things from me, even if it was with the best of intentions. By doing so you betrayed not only my trust but everything we have built together." I fidgeted with my fingers, trying to come up with the words to describe how empty and betrayed he had made me feel. "But I can't yell at you for it. I can only mourn the loss of a good portion of the trust I held in you."

"I'm a monster," he whispered, the staggering amount of self-loathing in his eyes shocking me, even though I'd expected it. I knew I couldn't have delivered a bigger blow to him if I had lashed out in anger but I couldn't keep still. If anything he deserved the truth, even if it hurt him. I couldn't do to him what he had done to me.

"You're not a monster, Edward," I stated, tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks. How could I make him see what it was that I saw when I looked at him? How could I make him realize that, though shocked and hurt and repulsed by his revelations, he was still my Edward, still the man I loved? "Your behavior might have been monstrous back then but it's in the past. You were young. You did foolish things. Everyone does foolish things when they are young."

"My behavior went beyond the foolish acts of youths," he countered.

"And you made yourself suffer for it for years," I said. "Believe me. No one has mastered the art of flagellation like you."

"You really mean it, don't you," he asked, his eyes shining into mine with a look of amazement and wonder. "You're really not mad."

"No, just disappointed."

"What now?"

I sighed. I knew the real blow would probably come later but for now I just wanted this day to be over. "I need some time," I finally spoke. "My head is spinning right now and I'm too tired to think. Please…I just want to go upstairs and try and get some sleep if that's okay with you."

"Okay," he acquiesced, still appearing hesitant as he wrapped his arms around me and stood up with me cradled to his chest.

I tried to wrap my head around it all as I lay awake in bed a few hours later but the questions and thoughts were still spinning around like a whirlwind, making it hard to even focus on one aspect of it all.

I knew Edward couldn't sleep either, because even though he tried not to toss and turn, his sighs and shifts made it all too clear that he was wide awake.

As much as I wanted to crawl into the crook of his arm and comfort him, I couldn't. Instead I feigned sleep, keeping my body as still as possible and putting the breathing exercises my yoga instructor had taught me years ago to good use.

I hadn't been lying when I told him I needed some time. I might have decided I wasn't going to let my anger rule my decisions, but that didn't make the past disappear in some miraculous way. I knew I loved Edward even in spite of his past. It had made him into the man he was today, someone the complete polar opposite of the asshole he was back then.

I just had to find a way around all of this.

I had to find a way to restore my trust in him.

We _had_ to move on from this.

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_**There you have it. Edward explained everything and Bella accepted his explanation (or did she?). Remember…she's very worn out and confused right now which is probably why she chose to just 'sleep on it' instead of lash out or fix things.**_

_**This was a very hard chapter for me to write, not in the least because Bella tried to go all 'New Moon' on me and wanted to forgive Edward before he had even uttered three words which was so not going to happen (I'm more of a Rose kind of girl in these matters). I hope I got the balance right.**_

_**There won't be any 'ripping of band aids' in this story, as you may have guessed by now. Considering their age, their children and the people around them it would be completely implausible to have Bella or Edward just pack up and leave. **_

_**The next chapter is called Open Season. As always I'll be posting teasers, pictures and other stuff on the twilighted boards. You can find a link to the Foundations thread on my author's page.**_

_**For now, please review.**_


	15. Open Season

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**As always much love for my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for fixing this chapter. **_

_**Please read the AN at the bottom of this chapter.**_

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**Open Season**

_**November 2009**_

I sighed, looking at my face in the mirror. I looked as miserable as I felt. I would be surprised if I had slept for more than half an hour altogether last night. It wasn't so much the fact that my past – the thing I would most like to forget – had come back to haunt me. It was the fact that I had had to hurt Bella by telling her the truth about myself that had kept me awake that night.

Her words of last night still echoed in my head. _I can only mourn the loss of a good portion of the trust I held in you._ It made me wish for the thousandth time since last night that I could have just worked up the courage to tell her the truth before. It would have saved my beloved so much pain if I had….

I knew deep down inside that Bella had every right to ask for some space to think – I even felt like she was letting me off lightly – but it hurt to fall asleep with her lying on the other side of the bed instead of in my arms, where she belonged. I needed her next to me, and I needed…I needed to know that we were going to be alright. I needed to feel her in my arms, to kiss her and to worship her. I needed to let her know with my body that I loved her more than life itself and that I worshipped every part of her and I needed the same thing from her.

"Pull yourself together, Cullen!" I muttered to myself. "All you need is for House to find you daydreaming!"

Grimacing at my reflection I remembered how I used to love working shifts as long as possible when I was feeling broken down and tired like this. During the years Bella and I had spent apart, they had been my rescue many times over. Work was the only thing that could keep my mind from thinking about what I had lost, from thinking about her.

Not now though.

Right now, the thought of having to amp myself up for a steady eight hours of taking care of New York's sick and wounded unnerved me. For the first time in my life I didn't feel like working.

The difference was that back then I had nothing to lose. The only person who waited for me when I got back home after a day of work was Alice and – I had to admit – part of volunteering for so many double shifts was the fact that I could get away from her worried stares or the sounds of her hushed conversations with Esme. I knew she worried about me and that she only wanted to see me happy again, but the knowledge that I couldn't give her what she wanted made me shy away from her. I didn't want to poison my carefree, happy, baby sister with my gloomy thoughts and depravity.

At this moment, the situation couldn't be more different.

I had everything to lose right now; my wife, my children, the respect of my family and – not in the least part – my heart and my sanity. Standing by the sideline while Bella decided whether or not she could live with what she knew about me was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life, harder even than the confession I had made to her last night.

God, I had been so scared.

She had remained calmer than I ever could have imagined but – strange enough – her calm was what scared me the most. Had she stopped me halfway though to tell me what a completely worthless human being I was and how she never wanted anything more to do with me I would – of course – have been broken, but at least I would have known where I stood. Had she jumped up in repulsion and slapped me right across the face for the ghastly way in which I had treated women in the past I would have felt like it would have been the just punishment for my past behavior. I could have dealt with everything she would have thrown at me, but not her calmness and understanding.

That, I had no idea of how to interpret. I had no idea of where that left us.

"Here, you look like you need it more than I do," Kate chuckled, appearing from out of nowhere behind me holding up a paper cup of steaming espresso. "If I didn't know better I'd say it was you working the graveyard shift last night and not Garrett."

"Thanks!" I said with a yawn. "Rough night."

"I want to apologize for the stuff I said to you the other day," Kate muttered, fumbling with the stethoscope that hung around her neck. I was tired and frustrated and I took it out on you. I was way out of line."

"Apology accepted," I replied with a smile. "I guess this fellowship competition isn't exactly bringing out the best in any one of us."

"Not when you look at it from a social perspective," Kate snorted. "I bet House is mighty proud of what he's turning us into."

"I'm not going to argue with that," I nodded with a wry smile.

"I should have thought better of letting him mess with my head," Kate sighed. "I know you'd never seek advancement over the back of a little girl like that. You're much too Darcyesque for that!"

"Darcyesque, is that even a word?" Garrett chuckled, wrapping his arms around Kate's chest as he stood behind her. "And why don't you ever call me that?"

"Because you're not," Kate laughed as she spoke. "You wouldn't know romance if it jumped up and bit you in the ass!"

"And might I remind you that you seem to be damn glad of that?" Garrett huffed.

"I am," she nodded. "But don't go whining at me like some little girl when that doesn't qualify you as Darcyesque!"

"Fair enough," Garrett shrugged. "By the way, House wants to see us in his office an hour after rounds."

"God, no!" I groaned. Having House's version of a 'peptalk' was just what I didn't need right now.

"Fuck," I heard Kate curse beside me.

"He must have seen us walking around with our head held up too high or something," Garrett snorted. "Anyway, just be on time unless you want to be yelled at."

"Thanks for the heads up," I nodded, walking out of the locker room after Kate and Garrett as we joined the rest of the residents for morning rounds.

Rounds were as tedious as usual. Sure, it was important to know about the patients who had come in during the night, were waiting to be taken up to the OR, or were recovering from their surgeries, but – when I wasn't the one presenting - I felt my mind drift to last night again.

"House is watching," Kate hissed at some point, nudging me in my side as stealthily as she could. "You may want to put on your most alert and intelligent face."

"Thanks," I muttered, feigning alertness as some poor intern was grilled about his lack of knowledge about trocar injuries in laparoscopic surgery. House looked especially smug as he almost reduced the guy to tears, flashing him a depreciative glare before marching out of the room with a few snide remarks addressed at the resident in charge of his latest victim.

"Our meeting with him should be fun," I snorted as Kate, Garrett and I grabbed the charts from the nurse's station before heading out to our patients.

"He sure as hell is on a roll today," Garrett yawned. "Poor Doctor Martin looked like he was either going to cry or throw up."

"I know," I replied, wondering once again what it was that House wanted to talk to us about.

"We'd better go check on our patients," Kate interrupted, nudging me in the side. "No use sitting here wracking our brains, if all it's going to amount to is House yelling at us about being incompetent asses again."

"You've got a point there," I chuckled, looking at the board to see when I was expected to scrub in.

Not until after noon and only on a routine appendicitis.

Great.

"How long until you can get that thing off?" Garrett chuckled, noticing the expression on my face as he pointed at my cast.

"A couple of weeks," I growled, grabbing Mr. Banner's chart and stumbling in the direction of his room. At least treating patients would take my mind off things.

I managed to check up on every one of my patients, and order everything to be brought in order for those who would be taken up to the OR today before I had to head over to House's office.

It was strange, the feeling you got whenever you passed the threshold to the outer office. It was like the air was suddenly a little colder, and a lot more foul (which was saying something in a hospital). It was like the fear and discomfort were tangible in the air and I couldn't wait to get out of there again.

"He's ready for you," his secretary announced with a smile that send cold shivers down my spine. "Doctor Denali is already there."

Great! Kate was trying to get into his good books again. Just what I needed along with the complete lack of interesting cases I'd dealt with over the last couple of weeks. It did feel good to be on better terms with her again, though. I had missed her snarky comments and the way our rivalry always pushed me to bring my A game.

As I entered House's cave I spotted the usual setup. Kate was sagged out in one of the chairs in front of the desk while House was studying a pile of papers in front of him, letting us know he didn't think us important enough to acknowledge just yet.

"Good morning," I said as I pulled back a chair next to Kate and sat down, earning a disinterested grunt from my boss.

"Do you know anything yet?" I whispered low enough so that only Kate would hear.

"Nope," Kate replied, rolling her eyes at House who was still hunched over his desk. "He's been like this ever since I got here."

"Great!" I groaned.

This was shaping up to be one of those mornings again.

"Where's Doctor McDoofus?" House asked after a while, finally looking up from his papers. "Feeling up the geriatric patients again?"

"Why are you looking at me?" Kate huffed. "Just because I'm engaged to the guy doesn't mean I follow his every move! He's probably with some patient or something."

"I'm glad to see that some things never change," House remarked with an amused smirk. "And from what I heard, Doctor Cullen can confirm that. Remind me to tell O'Shea to tame his shrew once the two of you are married."

"You know it would only make this place incredibly boring," Kate grinned. "Who would dare yell at you after Garrett has turned me into a subdued little wifey?"

"That's my girl," House beamed as the door opened, revealing a flustered and panting Garrett. "You're late, O'Shea," House grumbled.

"I'm sorry," Garrett wheezed, grabbing his midriff as he almost doubled over. "Mrs. Lucas coded. I came as soon as I could."

"If you say so," House mused, looking particularly grumpy. "Though I have to say it's quite disappointing that you chose some decrepit old lady over me."

"Is he for real?' Garrett mouthed, glancing in our direction with a look of confusion.

"So what did you drag us out here for?" Kate asked. Apparently somewhere down the line she had decided that, since House seemed to like her brazen behavior she should apply it all the time.

"Watch your mouth, young lady," House warned. "Even you can go too far."

"Sorry," Kate mumbled, her hands playing nervously with the hem of her lab coat.

"I'm very disappointed in you," he continued. "All three of you…" He waited for the first one to speak, which, unsurprisingly was Garrett.

"Why?' he asked, foregoing all ceremony.

"You've been battling it out for the fellowship for – what – two months now?" He paused, looking at us for confirmation, "and I have yet to see the first fistfight or desperate cry for help. Apart from boy wonder over here," he pointed at me, "almost getting killed in some heroic rescue attempt of a snotty little girl I have yet to see any fireworks."

"What would you have us do?" Kate was the first one to speak up. "Bribe the charge nurse into putting our names down for interesting cases? Spike each others drinks to render them unconscious? Slash each others tires in the morning so that the others are late?"

"That's my girl," House grinned. "I like the way your mind works!"

"You're sick!" Kate growled.

"Nope," House beamed. "I get paid to make you idiots better doctors. If that means stirring up a healthy sense of competition then so be it!"

"So you're saying we should pick fights amongst ourselves for the sake of the fellowship?" I asked, still completely dumbstruck.

"Yep," he replied, popping the 'p'. "As long as you don't kill or maim any patients I'm fine with that. In fact…." He paused again, this time to look at us with that mischievous smirk that could only mean disaster. "Because I know you bunch of hippie pansies won't be able to get a good bitchfight going I've brought in help from outside."

"What do you mean?" Kate asked, her eyebrow arched with suspicion. Her thoughts no doubt mirrored mine at this moment.

This couldn't be good.

"We're bringing in another contender from outside the hospital," House said, shrugging as if it were no big deal.

"Shit!" Garrett cursed, blushing apologetically as he realized what he had just said.

"You'd do well to be scared," House chuckled. "It's not like you've been overly active in your pursuits to secure the fellowship as of yet. Apart from playing Mother Theresa I don't think you've done anything significant yet, unlike Boy Wonder and Miss Hermione Grainger over there." His eyes tightened to slits as he scowled at Garrett, driving his point across, before sitting back and letting his gaze wander over all three of us. "You can expect the newbie to arrive in a couple of days. Take this little piece of information as you will but if the three of you don't up your game soon, no one will be safe from elimination."

"We won't let you down, sir," Kate assured him.

"You'd better not," House replied. "Now go get your lazy asses out of this office. You've got patients to annoy."

We didn't have time to discus the things we'd heard after leaving House's office. Kate and I both had patients to see and preparations to make for the surgeries we'd been assigned and Garrett looked like he was ready to fall asleep at any moment.

I somehow managed to get through my shift without messing up, which was quite the accomplishment given the lack of sleep and the memory of House's words.

They were bringing in an outsider, someone who had no ties to this hospital or the rest of the staff. It could only mean that the competition would become harder.

"What are we going to do about the intruder?" Kate asked in a rough voice as she walked into the locker room.

I let out a very girly yelp as her voice started me out of my thoughts, my shoulder slamming into my locker door.

"Fuck!" I hissed, rubbing the sore spot. "Can't you knock next time?"

"Sissy," she spat back depreciatively as she plopped down on the wooden bench in the middle of the room. "So what are we going to do?"

"I don't know."

"We need a plan of attack," she mused, lying down on her back and staring at the cracks in the ceiling. "We can't let someone just come in and snag this fellowship out from under our noses." She turned her head, her large eyes blazing furiously into mine. "I want this fellowship every bit as much as you do but if I can't have it I'd rather see it going to someone I know and respect, than some fucking outsider."

"Same here," I growled, moving her legs out of the way so that I could sit down next to her. "What do you propose?"

"I suggest we join forces," Kate replied, looking even more determined than usual. "The new one won't stand a chance if we form a united front against him or her."

"Sounds like a plan," I nodded, battling to keep my eyes open. "After all, with you on our side it probably won't be a day until the new one will break down and give up."

"Hey!" Kate huffed, swatting my shoulder. "I'm not that bad!"

"You are," I chuckled. "Believe me, you've earned the title of McBitchy!"

"Just thank me," she growled. "God knows what would have happened to your ego if it wasn't for my little reality check."

"Right," I said, rolling my eyes as I yawned loudly.

"Am I boring you?' Kate chuckled.

"Rough night, remember?" I sighed.

"Go home, get some rest," she advised, ruffling my already messy hair. "Do you have anything planned for tonight?"

"Just dinner with the rest of the gang," I muttered, wondering how the hell I was going to make it though that with Bella sitting next to me. I hoped we could have a moment to talk before dinner was served, that was…if Bella had made up her mind yet.

"Sounds nice," Kate grinned. "It's better than curling up on the sofa with a microwave dinner and an ER rerun."

"You watch ER?" I snorted.

"Two words: George Clooney," she laughed back. "Plus seeing a hospital that's even busier than ours makes me feel a whole lot less sorry for myself!"

"True," I replied, looking at the clock. "I'd better get going."

"Say hello to the gang for me," Kate giggled, spinning the combination on her locker.

"Will do," I said with a sigh, hoping my family would still speak to me by the time I arrived.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"I would suggest you look into the placing of this chapter in your dissertation," Bell advised as he looked through the first completed chapter of my work. "I know you intend it to be part of the section that focuses on the depiction of industrialization and how it affected the existing tradesmen, but I think it would be much better perceived when placed in a whole new section dealing with the reaction to the changes the revolution made in the landscape." He pushed his glasses back up on his nose as he marked some of the paragraphs in front of him. "For instance when you refer to the contrast between quiet, rural Cranford and hectic and materialistic Drumble….That section would very much benefit from being placed outside of this chapter and dealt with in a separate section of your work."

"So you think I should change the outline?" I asked, trying to divert my attention from the pounding headache raging in my head as I tried to form coherent thoughts.

"I think you should rethink a couple of your initial ideas, yes," Stefan mused. "As it is this chapter deals with far too many things in a superficial way. I would like to see you delve a lot deeper into your subject material and elaborate the ideas you've set forth in this chapter."

"Right," I said fighting the overwhelming disappointment that washed over me as he spoke, knowing that what he was really saying was that this chapter – the one I had been so proud of – fell short of the mark.

"I'm not saying this chapter is complete rubbish, Bella," Stefan soothed, placing his large hand on mine in reassurance. "Some of the points you make are very interesting and very, very promising indeed. All I am saying is that it might take some time for you to get used to the depth and accuracy that's required in academic writing."

"Okay," I sighed, trying not to think of how – apart from criticizing my work – he was now also criticizing my intellectual abilities.

"I would suggest you use the winter recess to catch up on your reading," he added. "I know I don't have to make any suggestions. You probably know more of the lesser known authors from the nineteenth century than I do. Try to absorb their words and let the novels guide you but also make sure you pick up some basic textbooks on the history of that day and age." He took his glasses from his nose and sipped one of the legs between his lips. "I look forward to seeing your revisions. As I said….some of the points you make are really quite captivating and you have a very pleasant writing style. I'm sure this will all work out splendidly if you take my comments on board."

"Thank you," I managed to reply, still fighting back the tears as I got up, I collected the pages I had submitted for scrutiny and got out as fast as I could without letting on how deep his comments had cut.

This was just what I needed.

After yesterday, a whole morning of having to fight back the worst migraine I had had in years and Jane's new efforts to get to me this was the straw that broke the camels back. There was only so much my already tormented and sleep deprived brain could take before it would go into a total fail.

"I'm going to work from home for the rest of the day," I announced to Jenny who was working reception today.

"Are you alright, Professor Cullen?" she asked, her concern telling me I probably looked as bad as I felt.

"I've got the worst headache I think I ever had," I groaned, rubbing my temples. "I think I just need to get out of the stuffy University air for a bit. You can forward any urgent calls to my cell."

"That's okay, professor," she replied, quietly assessing my situation. "Are you alright to drive home or should I call you a cab?"

"I'll be fine, thanks," I smiled. "I just need to lie down for a bit, I think."

"Okay, but if it's not too great a bother…can you give me a call or send me a text to let me know you made it back safely? I know I'm probably overreacting but it would set my mind at rest."

"Of course," I said, smiling at the young girls concern. Over the weeks Jenny and I had formed some sort of friendship. She was so mature for her years. Where other students seemed to be focused on juggling city life with spending as little time on their studies as possible while still keeping their grades up so that their parents wouldn't bother them, she seemed to have taken up residence at the college. She was working a lot, but – as I had spotted from her record – it didn't affect her grades. I guessed that between taking calls, copying handouts and delivering mail and packages she had enough time to devote to her homework.

Still, as long as I worked there and she was a student we could never be real friends in the way that I was with Jasper and Zafrina. We could talk about general things and sometime share lunch or coffee, but I could never talk freely about stuff that happened in my classroom or the things I had just discussed with Stefan. The professional distance between us was simply too big for that.

I sometimes missed working alongside friends like I had at my old job. I got along well enough with Stefan and Vladimir when they were around but my relationship with them was very different from the one I had with Jasper and Zafrina. They were my bosses and that created an automatic distance.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Jenny asked as I realized that I must have been standing there, completely lost in my thoughts for God knows how long.

"I am," I smiled trying to look as convincing as I could. "I'm just tired, that's all. Okay…I'm heading out now. If anything comes up, you know where to reach me."

"Just get some rest, Professor Cullen," Jenny urged. "And drive safely."

"I will."

A few moments later I was sitting behind the wheel, completely torn between the two things my head and my heart were screaming at me to do. My head knew it needed some alone time to sort out all the stuff that had happened over the last twenty-four hours. It knew that if I went to pick up Libby and Masen from school and Rose – the thing my heart and ever fiber of 'mommy' inside me was screaming at me to do – all of this would probably come back to bite me in the ass later. Still, I couldn't just go home and kick back while I let others take care of my kids either.

"Damn! I wish all of this would be easier!" I growled at myself as I banged my already aching head against the steering wheel.

It was as if it was coming at me from all directions at once over the last couple of days. It had started with Alice and Jasper going back to their former - argumentative – ways and Edward still being grumpy about missing out. But as much as it pained me I had been able to deal with it. In fact…I had been feeling like I was finally getting a hang of things over the last couple of days. That was…until last night.

The moment I had opened the door and seen that woman I knew she would be trouble. There was something in those large puppy dog eyes and that perfect frame that set every single alarm bell ringing even before the damned bitch had opened her mouth.

I knew that maybe, in the end, I was better off knowing the truth about Edward's past, but right now I really wished I was still living in blissful ignorance. The things he had told me…I never would have thought him capable of treating a woman like that. Not when he had been so respectful and careful with me.

But that was just the point. He had reformed his ways. He had said goodbye to his old self and had worked very hard to redeem himself ever since. There was nothing in him now that remained of the self-centered libertine he once was, nothing except maybe for the crazy sex hair….

I sighed, knowing that no matter how often I told myself that none of it mattered, that the past was forgotten, I was only fooling myself. Try as I might, I couldn't erase the mark his words from last night had left. I couldn't deny the fact that I looked at him differently now that I knew. I hadn't been lying when I told him I wasn't angry with him for what he'd done. He knew how wrong he had been and he was punishing himself more severely for it than I – or anyone else for that matter – ever could.

Still, could I live with him now that I knew?

Yes.

The answer came easier and more assuredly than I could ever have imagined. Yes, I could live with him. Yes, I could love him. Yes, I could show grace.

It would take more than an epiphany for me to erase the images of my husband philandering around with other women and I prayed to God I would never find another one of his former conquests on our doorstep, but I knew deep down inside that we would make it through this. My love for him was more than strong enough to suffer the blow his words had left.

All I had to do now was decide how I was going to live with the fact that my husband had lied to me…

That was the hardest part to come to terms with. I knew it would be some time before I would be able to trust him again as blindly as I had before but what made it even harder was the fact that I had to be very careful about it. I had seen his reaction to my words last night and if his sleepless night was anything to go by, my words had opened up a cesspit of self-deprecation and blame. As angry and disappointed as I was, I could not stand by and let him hurt himself even more than he had already.

Somehow I had driven home during all of this and I found myself pulling up in front of out home just as my epiphany struck. I parked the car and exited, feeling a whole lot lighter than when I entered the car.

Edward and I would make it through. We would go over to Rose and Emmett's tonight and act normal, and when we got home we would talk this over. Everything would go back to normal again.

Now just to deal with the other stuff…

I looked at the clock as I walked into the study, dumping my bag into a corner before grabbing some Tylenol I kept in a locked drawer in my desk. At least that would sort out my head ache. I had roughly two hours to sort myself out before I needed to head to Rose's for dinner. Edward was working an afternoon shift so he wouldn't be home before dinner and as awkward as it would probably make this night, I was actually glad for it.

I needed some time to prepare and think.

I needed time.

Time not spend feeling miserable about leaving him in the dark, but thinking about the million other things that bugged me.

Things like Jane.

The annoying little serpent had somehow found another way to bug me, a way that made it incredibly difficult for me to complain.

Somewhere down the line she must have concluded that attacking me in class or popping round the office outside office hours would get her nowhere so she had decided to try a different approach. She was now treating me with the utmost respect in class, though I wasn't fooled in the slightest by the sugary sweetness of her tone. Even though she was sucking up to me like I was Tyra Banks and she was aiming to be America's Next Top Model, the underlying tone of her words was still one of the utmost contempt. To the outside world it may have appeared that she had reformed her ways and become a model student but I knew better.

It was just another way to get to me.

Not a day passed now that she didn't put her name down on the sign up sheet to see me during office hours. Even then, when it was just her and me, she would always remain respectful and calm while she fired one insanely complex question after another at me. I don't know where she got them from and I would be very amazed if she, or even her father, would have come up with them, but they left me with a substantial increase of my workload.

Not only did I have to prepare for classes, mark the work my students had handed in, work on my thesis and be a wife, mother, friend and myself, I now had to devote quite a large portion of my time to finding the answers to Jane's questions as well.

I knew all of this was just an act she was putting on to get me to snap at her. She probably figured that is she kept on her new attack I would probably one day refuse to be of service or confront her about her behavior which would give her all the ammunition she needed to complain to the dean. I knew I would have to step in and put a stop to this, but I would have to tread very carefully.

Then there was Stefan's reaction to the chapter I had submitted today. I had to admit that this came as a huge shock to me. I knew when I handed the chapter to him that it would probably need some work – you can't expect everything to be perfect on your first try – but to have it shot down like that…I felt guttered.

The worst of it was that I had been so proud of myself for finally being able to write and to produce something using the long hours of studying I had put into it. To have it branded as incoherent and superficial felt almost as if it was a rejection of me personally.

The tears streamed freely down my cheeks as I started to feel more and more like a failure. For weeks now I had been like one of those acrobats at the circus who spun an unholy amount of plates around on sticks. Right now, it was like one plate after another came crashing down around me, leaving me with nothing but disappointment and a fucking mess to clean up.

"Pull yourself together Bella," I admonished myself. "Crying never solved anything."

I knew that if I looked at this in a more rational manner I would probably be able to come up with a plan. If anything I had to do an awful lot more reading before I could even begin to think about doing any more writing.

Great! I groaned to myself as I added yet another item to my 'to do-list' for winter recess. All in all it was shaping up to rival Martin Luther's 95 thesis's

Looking at the clock I noticed how much time had passed while I had been deep in thought. Knowing I was in no fit state right now to face anyone I grabbed the phone from the desk and dialed Rose's cell.

"Speak," Rose answered with her usual 'politeness'.

"It's me," I replied. "I think I'm going to have to pass on dinner tonight. I'm not feeling too well."

"What's the matter?" I would never stop being amazed at Rose's ability to go from ice queen to queen of hearts in no more than a few seconds. "Are you okay Bella?"

"I'll be fine, Rose," I said with a sigh. "Don't worry. I've just had a bad night last night and an even worse day…A good nights sleep will sort me out again."

"You too, huh?" she giggled. "I've got another zombie sitting in the living room right now."

Edward.

A slight panic rose in my hest when I realized how Edward was probably going to take my cancelling our dinner plans for tonight. Knowing him he would probably think it meant I was cancelling our marriage as well.

"Can you put that husband of mine on for a second?" I asked.

"Of course," she giggled, the screaming of Emmett, Charlie and Libby goofing around in the living room getting louder as she passed the phone to Edward.

"Bella?" His voice was frantic, fear and anxiety dominating his voice. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, my love," I replied, making sure to emphasize those last words. "I've just had a very hard day and I don't feel like facing the rest of the family."

"What happened?" His voice sounded a little less anxious, but a whole lot more concerned.

"Stefan was less than excited about the chapter I presented to him,' I sighed.

"Oh, love," he sighed, "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," I sighed, my voice more confident than I felt. "I guess I'll just have to go back to the drawing board again…"

"What do you need?' he asked, his hesitance still clear in his voice. "Is there anything I can get you?" He seemed to be stumbling on his words as he talked, his voice growing in nervousness and hesitance as he spoke again. "I mean…if you don't…Emmett could…?"

"You," I replied, mustering every ounce of certainty I could command. "I need you."

As the words left my lips I realized just how true they were. I did need him. He was my heart, my soul, my sanity. Nothing could take that away, not even the things I had learned about his past or his secrecy about them.

"I'll be there in a minute," he stated. "Just let me get the kids and say goodbye to everyone and I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Be careful," I urged him. "I'll be alright. Don't break too many traffic rules."

"Ha, ha, ha," he huffed. "You know as well as I do that I never take any risks when I have our children in the car with me." He sighed, but this time it wasn't out of frustration or trepidation but with relief. "Lie down, get some rest. I'll bring you something to eat when I get back home."

"Thanks," I breathed, my eyes starting to droop closed again. "I love you."

"I love you too, my angel," he replied, his voice shaking with emotion. "More than you could ever imagine."

"Don't take to long," I whispered as I hung up and put the phone back on the table before dragging myself up the stairs. It was as if my body weighed a ton and I felt like I could sleep for days instead of hours.

I flung myself across the bed without even bothering to strip out of my clothes or pull the sheets back, falling asleep almost the minute my body hit the soft mattress of our bed. My dreams were restless, filled with exaggerations of the events that had passed in the last twenty-four hours, culminating in the worst of nightmares I'd ever had. I was standing in a ruined home, fear gripping me when I recognized it as out own home. People were standing all around me, mocking me and saying it was about time I realized I was living above my means and capabilities. Edward was standing beside me and I was holding on to him with all my might until he pulled away from me, his expression as he joined the people around us, holding hands with Irina as he told me that loving me had been nothing but a passing fancy.

I didn't know how much time had passed until I felt something tickle my cheeks. "Bella?" his smooth, melodic voice called out, pulling me out of my nightmare.

"Edward!" I cried, blindly reaching out for him.

"It's okay love," he cooed, his nimble fingers brushing away the strands of hair that were sticking to my damp forehead.

"Don't leave me," I whispered, the panic ebbing away slowly as I realized it was only a dream.

"I wouldn't think of it," he stated solemnly, kicking his shoes off his feet as he joined me in the bed, our limbs weaving together as close as they could. "I won't let go unless you'd ask me to."

"I never will," I muttered, grabbing hold of his shirt in both my hands and pulling him even closer around me, his scent chasing away the last of my fears.

"So does that mean…" he started, the hesitance from earlier on returning full force.

"Silly man!" I sighed, shaking my head against his chest. "There was never any question of me leaving you."

"There wasn't?" he asked, sounding completely baffled.

"Of course not!" I huffed. "Do you really think my love so fickle that it would vanish at the first sight of trouble? I just needed some time to come to terms with the things I had heard. Perhaps it will take some more time for me to forget about the past or forgive you for the way you've been treating me over the last couple of days, but there was never any doubt in my mind that we would make it through this!" My words may not have been the complete truth but, as they left my mouth, I realized they were as close to it as I would get. Sure, for a moment I had had my doubts, shock and horror overwhelming everything else, but as soon as I realized the truth I knew it had been there all along.

"Good," he nodded, trying to keep his cool but I could see how relieved my words made him feel. "Because I don't know what I would have done otherwise." He took my face in his hands, his eyes blazing down into mine. "You are my life now, Bella. You and the children…I cannot exist without the three of you."

"Same here," I muttered, unable to make any deep or meaningful kind of statement with him dazzling me like that.

"Do you want to eat something?" his voice broke the comfortable silence that had settled around us after a while.

"I'm not very hungry," I yawned. "I think I just want to go to sleep."

"Then let's get you ready for bed," he chuckled, kissing my hair before getting up from the bed and holding his hand out for me.

I allowed him to change me into my nightclothes, brush my hair and clean my face as if I were only a small child. The love in each and every gesture making my eyes tear up throughout the evening ritual, even as I returned the favor, my hands lingering on his naked chest perhaps a little longer than they should have.

"I love you, Bella," he stated as he lifted me up in his arms and carried me out of the bathroom, placing me in the center of the bed. "I'll never be able to put in in words or in deeds, but I love you…with all that I have."

"As I do you," I replied, leaning in for a chaste kiss as he folded his body around me, pulling the covers up around us and switching off the light.

We fell asleep in each others arms that night, doing nothing except holding each other and whispering our love for one another. The whole world could have exploded around us at that moment – and in a way it was – but for now we were a little island of calm amidst an all consuming storm and I hoped with all my heart that that would be how we would remain.

In love and at peace.

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_**I know not much happened in this chapter but both Edward and Bella needed this to get from one place to the next. As you can see Bella is still trying to wrap her head around everything that happened and Edward still hates himself. Both of them, however, fail at voicing their problems though. I wonder what will happen when we add a little more spice to the mix…..**_

_**I don't know if I'll be able to respond to all of my reviews this week, like I normally do. Phase one of the big move to the other side of the country (which is only a two hour drive though) takes place on Wednesday which means I'm going to be pretty busy over the next couple of days. I will do my best though. Please know that even if it will take me some time to respond, I do treasure each and every one of your reviews. They keep me going even when I think I suck.**_

_**For now, please review. I'll try to post a teaser on the twilighted boards tomorrow (link is on my author's page).**_


	16. Chasing dreams into nightmares

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**As always much thanks to my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for cleaning this chapter up and dealing with my Doctors and Professors. ;-) **_

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**Chasing dreams into nightmares**

_**December 2009**_

"Good afternoon to you too," I sneered, rolling my eyes, as Jane slammed the door behind her, enraged that I had managed to answer yet another one of her questions. If it wasn't for the fact that I didn't believe in fairytales I would have sworn I had landed slap bang in the middle of 'some topsy-turvy kind of Rumplestiltskin.

Jane was still holding on to her new tactic, barraging me with questions at every opportunity she got. The dedication and hours of studying that must have gone into her attack _would_ have made me beam with pride if the goal of it hadn't been to bring me down.

As it was I would just have to find a way to live with it, since even Stefan had reluctantly admitted that this new mode of attack was very difficult to counter. I tried to console myself with the idea that, in only a few more days, this particular class would end and with it, hopefully, my dealings with the dreaded Jane.

Taking a few moments to get my mind back to a happier place, I thought about the last couple of weeks. With Edward finally getting rid of his cast, things had been a lot more cheerful at home over the last couple of days. The return of his normal, crazy hours had made the house strangely quiet at times, but I had the feeling that we were at a much better place than we had been before.

It might have been because of that woman.

Irina.

I smiled to myself. If all she had achieved by her sudden appearance was to bring Edward and me closer together than all in all it may not have been so bad. After those first difficult days things had changed. It was as if we'd both realized that what we had was worth fighting for. It had made Edward even more attentive towards me, if possible, and gave new meaning to the time we spend together. It had also made it very difficult to leave my husband's arms this morning, though. Especially when faced with the prospect of Jane.

A knock on my door pulled me out of my thoughts before they could take a turn for the gutter, a place they had lingered more than I'd care to admit over the last couple of weeks. Jenny was standing in the doorway, her eyes flittering between me and Mount Paperwork.

"Lunch?" she asked, taking a small step into the room.

"I wish," I groaned. "But I have to get all of this finished before tomorrow." I waved over to the huge pile of papers on my desk.

"Come on," Jenny urged. "You've got to get out of here for a little while, or you'll grow roots!"

"I guess I could do with some food," I said with a sigh, locking my computer before I pushed myself out of my desk chair and grabbed my purse. "But I'm not going anywhere beyond the cafeteria. I've got to get this finished before I get out of here tonight and I kind of like seeing my kids before they go to bed."

"That's fine by me," she smiled. "I've got a lot of studying to do anyway."

"Do you have a lot of exams coming up?" I couldn't stop myself from asking that question. I knew it was a very 'teacher' thing for me to do but I'd seen how many hours she had put in at work and I couldn't help but fear her school work would suffer because of it.

"Don't talk to me about it!" she groaned. "It feels like my brain is going to explode with all the cram-sessions I've been having lately."

"I know the feeling," I chuckled. "When I was a student I'd have my room littered with schedules and post-it notes with all kind of things I needed to remember."

"I couldn't have been easy for you," Jenny mused. "Studying for finals with a baby running around the house."

"It wasn't," I nodded. "But I had my brother to help me out." I smiled remembering how Emmett used to walk around on his toes all day in order to let me study in peace. "He'd take a few days off to take care of Libby when I needed to study. He even took her with him to the gym one day, when he had a couple of investors coming around. He rearranged his entire office to put a crib in there but ended up carrying her in his arms practically all day because he couldn't bear to leave her behind in his office. Everyone thought he'd gone nuts!"

"I bet they did," Jenny giggled. "It must have been such a sight to have him running around the gym with a baby in his arms."

"Yeah," I laughed, remembering the photograph Felix had secretly made and send to me. "You haven't even seen my brother. He's huge!"

We were both still giggling as we arrived at the cafeteria, the tension slipping away from my body as we went.

"Thanks for dragging me away from my work," I sighed as we both sat down to eat, me with my salad, Jenny with her cheeseburger.

"It's part of my job," Jenny grinned, taking a huge bite out of her burger. "You work too hard."

"Then why am I so far behind?" I smirked as I stuck into my tuna salad.

"Would you mind if I sat at your table?" a voice behind me spoke. A cold shiver ran down my back as I remembered the Eastern European accent.

"Oh no, not at all!" Jenny, smiled, moving removing her bag from the empty chair. "There's plenty of space around here. Are you new to the campus? I don't think I've seen you around."

"I am just visiting a friend," Irina spoke, smiling like a Cheshire cat as she sat down next to me, her frame gliding into her seat in an almost ballerina-like way.

I ground my teeth, trying to keep myself from uttering the string of profanities I was dying to hurl at the bitch's head. How dare she come here and weasel her way into my life?

"Do you two know each other?" Jenny asked, no doubt sensing the hostility in the air.

"We met," I mumbled, trying to come up with a socially acceptable explanation for the presence of 'her Holiness miss bitch' at out table.

"Mrs. Cullen's husband and I used to date back in college," Irina remarked as if it was the most normal thing in the world to share lunch with your husbands ex.

"It's Professor Cullen, actually," I huffed, spearing a piece of cucumber on my fork with a force that sent half the salad flying across the table.

"Not from what I heard," Irina sneered. "I personally think it an abomination that people refer to glorified teaching assistants as professors."

"_Professor_ Cullen has more than earned the title if you'd ask me," Jenny growled, accenting the title as she glowered at the woman sitting across from us.

"I'm just voicing my opinion," Irina replied with a dismissive gesture. "Last time I checked this was a free country." She paused, folding her long, slender fingers under her chin. "In fact, freedom of speech was one of the reasons my parents fled Bolshevik Russia and decided to settle here."

"I thought it was because the people were fed up with the horrible treatment they received from the hands of the nobility – your family playing a starring role, I might add – and threatened to persecute them," I snorted.

"You will not talk about my ancestors like that," she huffed, her accent intensified by her anger.

"It's a free country," Jenny intervened before I could say anything. "I believe Professor Cullen has a right to say what she wants. In fact…I do recall you emphasizing that point no more than a few minutes ago." She looked at me when she was done, her eyes silently asking me if I wanted her to stay or go. I pondered my decision for a few moments. Jenny seemed like a good one to have in your corner when it came to a fight but still…she was a student.

I nodded, silently telling her to go. "Can you make a call to the library and ask them to hold their first edition of _Tess of the D'Urbervilles_ for me?" I asked as she moved to leave, all the while glaring at Irina.

"Of course, _Professor_," she replied with a sweet smile. "When will you be needing it?"

"Tomorrow," I replied, smiling reassuringly before returning my attention to my half eaten salad.

"Do you always have lunch with your students?" Irina asked, the tone of her voice letting me know this was yet another thing she had found fault with.

"Jenny isn't my student," I replied as a way to shift attention from me to her popped up in my mind. "What are you doing here? I mean…I know my husband is immensely good-looking and amiable but I hardly think someone like you would jet all the way to New York from Los Angeles just to catch up on old times."

"You're right on both accounts," she smiled self contently. "I got bored with the West Coast so when the opportunity of taking a job in New York arose I couldn't let it slide."

"I guess congratulations are in order," I smirked, pitying the poor fool who hired this piranha on stilettos.

"Thank you," she replied with a smile so fake it set the hairs at the back of my neck on end.

I didn't even know how to reply. I didn't feel like making pleasantries with this woman who was everything but pleasant and talking about the weather seemed so insane to me I didn't even ponder the thought in earnest.

"I don't know what it is that Edward sees in you," she remarked after a few awkward moments of silence had passed.

"What?" I was too stunned to utter any intelligent sentence at that moment, though I knew I should have.

"He never used to go for the mousy librarian type of girl," she went on, absentmindedly picking at her salad. "In fact…I think I remember him clearly saying one day that he would never taint his dick by sticking it into something as inferior as…well, you I suppose."

Different scenarios in which I strangled the skinny serpent sitting next to me started to play out in front of my eyes and I had to wring my hands together to keep myself from wrapping them around that stringy little neck of hers as she sat there, quietly insulting me in a room filled with my students and colleagues. Thank heavens she spoke soft enough for no one to hear her.

"Then, I suppose it's lucky for me he changed," I replied, with an amount of snark that surprised even me.

It must have been the anger. I could feel it pulsing through me like a shockwave, along with all sorts of emotions I was unwilling to name at this point because they would only weaken me.

Anger was good.

For now.

"Did he?" she mused, staring out in front of her with an evil smile. "I wonder how long that will last." Het smile changed from amused into condescending and I half expected her to pat my hand as she continued. "I've always observed that men like Edward never change. They might get confused every once in a while and settle for a passing fancy but in the end they always see the light."

"I'll let Edward know how highly you think of his character and the admirable and remarkable change he has made," I sneered, my voice trembling under the barrage of insults.

"You do that if it gives you pleasure," she chuckled. "But it won't make the outcome any different. One day he's going to see you for what you are – someone who's so completely incompatible to him it's almost funny to watch – and he will know what to do to protect his own interests."

"And you think he's going to leave me for you?" I asked indignantly.

"If not for me than for someone else, someone like me," she said with a shrug, leaning back in her chair. "Wouldn't you prefer if it was me, though? Someone who knows what's best for him?"

"Do you even expect me to answer that?" I snarled.

"I always get what I want," she spoke in a low, almost warning, voice. "Always."

"Poor you," I replied, pouring as much glee into my voice as I could muster while still trying to keep the shaking down to an invisible level.

"What?"

"Poor you," I repeated. "You must be in for such a disappointment when it finally registers in your thick little head that this time you won't have things your way."

"And you think you are going to stop me?" she chuckled, with a supercilious smirk. "The mousy little wife?"

I may not look like I've just sauntered off the runway," I growled, trying to keep my emotions out of my voice. "But for all my mousiness I'm packing a whole lot more force that you could ever muster in that bony little frame of yours and every single ounce of it will fight to the teeth."

I half expected her to jump to her feet and take on a fighting stance the way her face flamed up in anger, her nostrils flaring and her steel blue eyes scorching with rage. Instead she took a few calming breaths, her eyes still conveying her displeasure with my unwillingness to give up as she commanded herself again, even managing to conjure a false smile to her lips. "Game on," she snarled, before rising out of her seat, tossing her napkin on the table in a dramatic gesture and striding out of the cafeteria leaving a trail of drooling students behind.

"Crap," I sighed to myself, rubbing my temples as I felt that familiar headache rise.

What the hell just happened?

Of course I knew exactly what just happened – my husband's scary ex-girlfriend had declared open season on my love life – but the why of it all left me completely puzzled. Why, when there were so many perfectly good-looking eligible men in New York, did she have to go after mine? Was it just the fact that he was unavailable? Or – be it temporarily – famous?

I was still shaking when I found myself in front of my office, wondering how on earth I had made it over there without crashing into something or somebody, my thoughts still occupied by the conversation I had just had. Taking a seat behind my desk and staring out at the book lying open in front of me, I tried to come to some sort of conclusion, to figure out where all of this left me. Screwed was one of the things that sprung to mind first.

With Irina long gone, the adrenaline rush was slowly ebbing away, leaving the enormity of the situation I had landed myself in started to settle in my brain, and doing nothing to ease the massive migraine that was creeping up on me.

I was screwed.

More than screwed.

I was in so far over my head I couldn't even see a glimpse of daylight looming up ahead.

Sighing to myself I started to pack my stuff into my bag and lock the books I had been studying away in my desk. I knew I wasn't going to get any more work done today, not with having as much on my mind as I had right now.

Great!

I guessed the good thing was that since I was already light-years behind on schedule another lost day wouldn't even make that big a difference. I really needed to get a clear perspective of what was happening and what I needed to do and I knew just the person who could help me with that.

It was only in the car on my way to Rose's that Irina's words began to sink in. Was it really such a strange notion to the outside world that someone as gorgeous and talented as Edward had chosen someone like me. I knew I was smart and good at teaching, but I didn't exactly consider myself the new star of the social world. Was that what Edward really wanted? Would I ever be good enough for him?

**xXx**

"What happened?" Rose cried out, as soon as she saw me standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry to say this, Bella, but you look like hell."

"Thanks!" I muttered, rubbing my temples. "I feel like hell too."

"What happened?" my sister in law repeated as she tugged me into the apartment, helped me out of my coat and planted me somewhere in the middle of the plush sofa.

"What didn't!" I groaned. "I need to talk to you about some….stuff…that came up recently, but I don't know if we have enough time until Libby's school finishes, and I don't want to have her around for our discussion."

"Hold on," she replied, grabbing the phone from the table and hitting a few buttons. "Emmett, babe? You're picking up Libby right now."

I watched as her face scrunched up with displeasure as Emmett probably objected to being bossed around.

"Then leave them alone and go pick up your little niece," Rose huffed. "How hard can it be to push a couple of weights around anyway? Harder than telling a cute little seven year old to walk home on her own?"

Rose made a sound pretty close to growling as Emmett said something else, her heels tapping on the floor in impatience as she waited for him to finish.

"No, she can't pick her up right now……No honey, she's alright but she needs to talk to me about something…Women stuff, you know?" She smiled at me as she uttered those last words, knowing that nothing could keep my brother perfectly satisfied and unwilling to hear any more on a case than the prospect of 'women stuff'.

"Okay babe," she grinned after Emmett had spoken next. "Sorry to be such a nasty bitch. I'll make it up to you tonight…you know, I could wear that hot little schoolgirl uniform I have…."

I tried to tune her out after that. I'd seen enough PDA between the two of them when I was still living in this apartment to know that they had a very active and imaginative sex life, most of which I had vainly tried to erase from my memory. As happy as I was for my brother to have found his match, I had no desire to actually see or hear the proof of it.

"So," Rose interrupted my thoughts. "Care to tell me what had you so upset? Had another talk with your supervisors again?"

"No," I sighed, knowing I'd better tell Rose everything if I wanted to be home before Edward. "This is something else…something completely different."

"You know you can talk to me Bella," she said, grabbing my hand as she sat down next to me. "I may not have always been a very good listener, but I think that I've learned a thing or two over the last couple of years from hanging out with you."

"I know," I smiled, squeezing her hand. "It's just that I don't know where to begin!"

"How about at the beginning?" Rose offered.

"Good point," I said with a humorless chuckle. "Do you remember I told you about how Edward took his parents' death pretty hard?" The whole thing had come up one day when Rose had noticed how Edward always called Carlisle and Esme by their first names instead of 'mom' and 'dad'.

"I remember," she nodded.

"Well," I sighed. "I guess he….That's to say….When he left home to go to Dartmouth he kind of went off the rails a little. Hung out with the wrong crowd…you know?"

"Well, what do you know," Rose chuckled. "Eddie lived the crazy life!"

"Yeah…well…parts of the story are a little less than savory," I smirked. "What it all boils down to is that he was kind of a ladies man back then and…well…one of these women must have picked up on the media coverage of the accident and is trying to contact him."

"There's more to it than that," Rose stated. "There's got to be."

"She's kind of a bitch," I explained, "She looks like she should be on the cover of Vogue, she's filthy rich and her grandparents were Russian nobility so she's got that whole jet set snobbery down to a tee. That combined with the fact that she had a vagina she wasn't willing to share with the male college population kind of worked its magic on Edward."

"So they dated," Rose shrugged. "That's not so bad."

"You haven't seen her Rose," I smirked. "And 'dating' wasn't all they did."

"What do you mean?"

"They had a thing when Edward and his group met up with her in Mexico and one night after they drank themselves into a stupor…they decided it would be a nice souvenir from their trip if they got married."

"No, they didn't!" Rose gasped, her eyes huge as she brought one hand to her mouth in shock.

"They did," I sighed, tears starting to fall from my eyes as I revisited the one thing I didn't want to think about, let alone explain to an outsider. "Fortunately the marriage was just a ceremonial one and isn't valid in the US or Mexico but yes…they got married."

"Fuck!" Rose uttered. "I'll kill the fucking bastard for hurting you or – even better – I'll set my husband on him! That I'll teach the fucker!"

"Don't," I gasped, noticing Rose already had her hand on her phone. "Don't make him suffer any more than what he's already putting himself through. He did a stupid thing and believe me, he knows it. The knowledge that he created this whole mess is already driving him mad."

"And that's bad because…." Rose smirked.

"Look,' I pleaded. "You know as well as I do that Edward has a tendency to….wallow in his wrongdoings. He's spent the last couple weeks living in agony because of all this and has just started to revert back into his own self. I don't want to send him into another round of self-depreciation and anxiety. I don't think _I _could take it."

"This shit is screwed up!" Rose whistled, dropping her phone back onto the table top.

"Tell me about it," I smirked as I told her pretty much everything else Edward had told me about his dealings with Irina in Mexico. "….and so now that she's seen the man he's turned into, she must have concluded that she made a mistake by bailing on him that morning and she wants him back."

"Bitch," Rose hissed.

"Again…tell me about it. The woman won't take no for an answer!"

"Wait a minute," Rose interrupted, holding up her hand. "How long has this been going on?"

"She first showed up at our house the Sunday after Thanksgiving right after all of you left," I explained. "But she had cornered Edward at the hospital before. He told her to get the hell away from him – on numerous accounts – but the damned bitch won't listen."

"And from the way you looked when you walked into my apartment I bet she came to see you today," Rose added with a knowing smirk.

"Yep," I sighed.

"What did she say?"

"Pretty much the same thing she's been saying all along," I replied. "That I'll never be good enough for Edward and that she won't back off until she gets what she wants."

"Filthy bitch!" Rose huffed, the outraged expression on her face making me lean away from her a little. "You don't believe her, do you?" I guess the look on my face told her more than any amount of words could. It also made her anger flash in her eyes. "Bella! You're an idiot if you think for a moment that Edward is going to pick her over you!"

"No, I don't think that!" I huffed indignantly. "I guess I do wonder sometimes what it is that is expected of me, though, and whether or not I can live up to that." I sighed, fidgeting with my fingers. "I also wonder what the damned bitch has up her sleeve. I don't want her anywhere near my kids….nor my husband."

"Give me the info on the bitch and I'll roughen her up for you," Rose offered

"What?" I sobbed, the image of Rose leading a posse of hired guns in a procession to Irina's house to murder the woman pushing the gloomier thoughts away for a moment.

I had to admit, that image didn't disturb me as much as perhaps it should have.

"You know what I mean," she scowled. "But anyway…give me some more deets on the woman. I've gotta know what we're dealing with."

"As I said," I started, trying to ignore the bitter taste in my mouth as I conjured up the image of my would-be rival. "She's a descendant of the Russian Czar, filthy rich and looks like she should have been on the runway."

"Wait a minute…" Rose interrupted me. "You said the Russian Czar….You don't mean Irina Romanova, do you?"

"Yes?" I squeaked, knowing that it probably wasn't a good sign that Rose knew the bitch's first name.

"Fuck," Rose uttered. "I mean…I don't know her but I know of her and I have to say she's quite ruthless."

"What do you mean?" I whispered.

"She was one if the most determined ones out there," Rose explained. "We didn't cross paths that much because I was out here and she worked in LA most of the times but I did hear that she's almost the only one who's managed to be a successful model and make perfect grades in school at the same time. According to my agent there was precious little she wouldn't do to get a job or make sure she was the model everyone remembered after a shoot." Rose paused and I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to remember the old days. "I heard a story about how she once took out a makeup artist with her stiletto because she believed he had fucked up her makeup."

"Right," I breathed.

"It's probably just a load of crap," Rose tried to reassure me. "You know models are the worst gossips on the planet."

"Of course," I nodded, trying – but failing – to reassure myself.

"So what happened today?" Rose asked. "She came to see you and then what?"

When I told Rose what happened and what had been said earlier her eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. She was silent for a good two minutes after I was finished, her dumbstruck gawking making me shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"That bad?" I finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"No," she breathed. "Not bad. Not bad at all, Bella. Wow."

"Wow?"

"Yes, wow," she nodded, getting something of her old composure back. "I never thought you'd have it in you to say those things. Let alone to Irina Romanova. I bet it's been a long time since someone spoke to her like that."

"I didn't know who she was," I smirked.

"But still…." Rose mused. "I'm proud of you, Bella."

"Thanks," I muttered, Rose's praise making me feel a little nervous. "I just wish I knew what to do…." The tears that had almost dried up started pouring again and I rubbed my eyes angrily, not wanting to play the heartbroken mousy little wifey. I didn't want to give Irina the satisfaction of having become exactly what she thought I was.

"So what are we going to do now?" Rose asked as I dried my tears.

"We?" I asked.

"Yes we!" Rose huffed indignantly. "You're not thinking I'm letting you go up against The Iron Czarina alone, do you?"

"No?"

"We need a plan of action," she stated, her eyes zooming in on something far, far away as the wheels were turning in her head. "But first of all…I need to know what you plan on doing."

"What?"

"I know it would be best to keep this from Emmett as long as we can," she chuckled, "but the more important question is: are you going to tell Edward about her visit today?"

This one I had to take a few moments to think about. I knew I had stood in front of a priest and promised to share all my joys and sorrows with him, and I remembered just what it had been like to realize that you'd been left out of the loop. On the other hand…I also remembered very clearly how Edward had reacted to Irina when she first showed up on our doorstep, and the agonized look on his face after he had confessed to me the sins of his past. I couldn't put him through that again. Not if I could help it. I only now realized what had caused Edward to make his decision and with it came forgiveness and another epiphany. With the fierce wave of protectiveness I felt towards my family also came the understanding that if sacrificing my self-respect and moral fiber could protect Edward from destroying himself and his future it would be a small and worthwhile sacrifice.

"No," I stated with as much conviction as I could muster. "He's going through enough as it is at the moment. House is looking to bring in a new candidate for the fellowship and…well…he's taken Irina's sudden appearance pretty hard. I can't bear to tell him that's she's contacted me again."

"As much as I hate secrets, I have to say I see what you're getting at," Rose smirked. "If Edward found out the truth, he'd probably commit ritual suicide or chop of his dick off or something just to show you how sorry he is for getting you involved in his shady past." She gave me a hard look, a look that told me that once I made this decision there was no turning back. Satisfied that I was completely certain about this she gave me a small smile. "So we keep this a secret."

"Yes," I breathed, my voice cracking on every character that left my mouth.

"Just promise me that if this grows out of hand, you'll tell him," Rose spoke sternly, telling me without words that she would have chosen differently. "No buts. If shit threatens to start hitting fans you'll tell him…or I will."

"Okay," I sighed, my sobs still wracking through my body.

"Fine. Lesson number one: no more crying," Rose ordered with a stern voice.

"Huh?' I croaked, looking up at her through misty eyes.

"If you want to do this…If you really want to fight this woman, you're going to have to be strong, Bella," Rose explained. "You can never let the enemy see how her actions are affecting you. Now, from what you told me you were doing a pretty good job on your own already, but we are going to have to work on your offensive moves."

"Offensive moves?"

"You did great today," Rose repeated. "But all you did was parry her attacks. I'd like you to lash out every now and then as well."

"Lash out?"

"Throw a couple of punches," Rose said with a shrug. "Not real ones, of course, but a little verbal fist fight never harmed anyone."

"But how do I know she's not winning?" I sniffled. "She's already managed to corner him at the hospital once. God knows what she's going to do next time."

"Come on Bella!" Rose growled. "You've got give your man some credit! Miss High and Mighty might be able to flaunt all her pretty manners and wads of cash in front of his face but he'll never get her to look at him the way he looks at you. You're his everything! He'll never leave you!"

"I know," I sighed. "But it's just that it's hard….it's so hard…" I was so tired of being tired and now, on top of it all, I had to worry about the floozy of all floozies putting the moves on my husband.

"Go home, Bella," she grinned. "Get some rest, screw your husband, hug your kids…though perhaps you might want to change that order."

"Kay," I mumbled, too tired to even think of anything more to say.

"But remember what I told you: be on your toes."

"Thanks Rose," I sniffed, as I said goodbye to her on her doorstep after getting Masen and all his things together. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

"I'm just glad to finally be able to pass all my wicked bitch-fighting skills on to someone who needs them," she grinned. "Who would have thought it would be you!"

"I'll see you tomorrow," I smiled, fastening my grip on Masen, who was sleeping in his portable car seat.

"See ya!" Rose grinned as her face disappeared behind the doors of the elevator.

I sighed, knowing I was still in way over my head but feeling a little more assured now that I had my formidable sister in law fighting my corner.

Starting tomorrow I was going to do something I had never done in my life.

I was going to charge into battle.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

I could just see the headlines in front of me as I watched Amy take another picture with her team of former doctors. _'Hopeful Senator's Daughter says Emotional Goodbye to her Rescuers'_. I sighed. I'd gotten pretty good at making up headlines lately.

I somehow managed to plaster a smile on my face as the photographer took yet another string of pictures of the same tableau: Amy sitting in her wheelchair in front of her doctors and parents, smiling timidly, with House and her mom and dad beaming into the lens as if the pictures were taken of a newly wedded couple and Kate and I barely managing a smirk.

"Why am I doing this again?" Kate hissed under her breath as the photographer urged her to 'show him her pretty smile'. I half expected her to leap forward and deck the guy.

"Because you want that fellowship?" I whispered back.

"Right," she sighed.

"Keep your eyes on the prize, Denali," I chuckled. "And show them your pretty smile."

"Bastard!" she growled, though smiling a little wider as the photographer shot his final frames.

As soon as the photographer let us know he was done House dropped his fake 'I'm such a nice, child friendly doctor' act in favor of his usual scowl. "I want to see all three of you ass kissers in my office at eight PM," he barked at us. "Make sure that Cowboy boyfriend of yours knows of this as well." He had disappeared down some corridor before we could comment or ask why he wanted to see us.

"What do you think that's all about?" Kate huffed as we watched Amy's parents beaming with pride as they rolled their daughter in the direction of the soon to be 'Amy McGregor children's lounge'.

"I don't know," I said, as I dragged a hand though my already messy hair. "Maybe it has something to do with the new addition to our team."

"Fuck," Kate hissed. "I half hoped House was joking when he said that!"

"Come on Kate, how long do you know him?" I smirked. "Do you really think he'd give up the chance to mess with our heads?"

"A girl can dream," Kate pouted.

"About what?" Garrett boomed, appearing from out of nowhere to grab Kate from behind and hoist her into the air. "About your sexy fiancé doing all sorts of naughty things to you?"

"Put me down you jackass!" Kate squealed.

"That's not what you said last night?" Garrett chuckled, putting his fiancé back on her own two feet before turning to me he wrapped his arm around Kate. "So, Cullen, are you joining the soon-to-be-missus and me for lunch?"

"Nope," I replied, a huge grin breaking through. "I'm scrubbing in for a Pheo in half an hour."

"Damn!" Kate gasped, her mouth hanging open. "How the hell did you manage to do that? Did you give Wilson a blowjob or something?"

"He must have taken pity on me for being out of the running for so long," I chuckled. The surgical resection of a Pheochromocytoma, a rare sort of brain tumor, was a very risky procedure and therefore one every ambitious member of staff would want to take part in. Unfortunately since Marcus Wilson didn't allow 'tourist' into his OR most of us had already resigned themselves to watching on from the gallery. Unfortunately, because the procedure fell out of my area of expertise, my chances of getting in were even slimmer. That was…until I ran into Wilson yesterday and he offered me a chance to scrub in.

"Lucky bastard!" Garrett chuckled, patting me on the back. "Well then, off you go. I bet you have a fuckload of studying to do."

"I do," I nodded, "but I want to look in on Amy first."

"Good luck, Edward," Kate smiled, patting my hand to reassure me that another jealous rant wasn't on the horizon.

"Thanks!" I chuckled as I gave her a one-armed friend hug and watched as the two of them walked of in the direction of the elevator, their arms linked as they talked away.

I took off in the opposite direction, in search for Amy. Her progress over the last couple of weeks had been remarkable. Even in spite of the fact that she still had a long list of reconstructive surgeries to go to make sure her legs healed properly and – as her mother insisted – all scar tissue would be reduced to a minimum, she hadn't let it get her down. She was determined to walk out of the hospital in a couple of weeks and go back to horseback riding as soon as possible. According to Doctor Sloan, the plastic surgeon who'd taken over from us, her positive attitude would pull her through this and she would be as good as new when he was done. I believed him, even though I'd see how badly damaged her legs were. Sloan may have been somewhat of a prick, but I'd seen the miracles he could perform.

"Doctor Edward!" Amy cried out as soon as she spotted me, all camera lenses following the direction of her face.

"Amy," I chuckled, as I watched the little girl spin the wheels on her wheelchair, bringing her closer to me. "How are you doing?"

"Much better," she replied, a little more timidly. "I was afraid we wouldn't have a chance to talk before I had to leave."

"I'd never let you leave without saying goodbye first," I reassured her. "Shall we go for a walk?"

"I have to check with my mom," she pouted. "I don't know if they want me to take more pictures."

I wanted to walk over to Amy's parents right that moment and beat the crap out of them – as I had wanted before, countless of times – for not allowing their little girl to be a little girl. Because of them Amy was behaving even more mature for her years than Libby did, though – contrary to Libby – I was pretty sure Amy had been forced into this role.

At least with things slowly going back to normal for them too things would slow down again for her. I hoped her next nanny would let her go to the park and have fun.

I got the little girl out of the room as soon as her mother – reluctantly – gave me her permission, yielding only because of what the press might think if she didn't. The two of us chatted easily as I steered her through the hospital corridors. I tried to keep the conversation as light as I could to be able to give her some 'child-time' today.

"I'm sorry I won't be able to talk to Libby when we go to Washington," she said with a sighed as we neared the Children's Lounge again after our tour of the hospital grounds. "I never did get to take her to the riding school."

"I'll take her, sweetheart," I promised. "And I'll make sure she gets to ride Pebbles."

"You remember?" Amy's eyes grew huge as she looked at me.

"I do," I chuckled, carefully placing my hand on her shoulder. "And as for not being able to talk to Libby….why don't you give her a call once you're settled? I'm sure she'd love to talk to you. She's been talking about you a lot." I fished into the pocket of my lab coat, took out a scrap of paper and wrote our home number on it. "Here you go."

"Thanks!" Amy beamed, shaking my outreached hand right before her mom spotted us and snatched her away, claiming Amy had had enough of R&R.

The rest of my shift – one of the first full shifts after I finally – thank Heavens – got rid of my cast was taken up by preparing, scrubbing in and performing the Pheo-resection. My peers cheered on from the gallery when Marcus allowed me to make the first cut, but, as flattered as I felt, I had to keep my eyes and my focus on the task at hand. After a couple of hours I began to feel the toll of having to work half shifts for six weeks. Being a surgeon required a top condition and a focus and accuracy that had to be kept up for hours. A moment's distraction could kill someone.

I was physically and emotionally exhausted when I finally walked out of the OR after a testing but successful surgery. This must be how Bella was feeling after a rough day.

Damn! My respect for my wife grew as I dragged myself to the scrub room, cleaning up as best as I could for my meeting with House. The last few weeks had been relatively quiet. After the blowup the appearance of Irina and my subsequent confession had caused it was like we had retreated into our own little bubble.

I had been so afraid those first couple of days. I had been walking on eggshells all week, trying to figure out the different looks and sentences that came from Bella. It was only after the full week had passed that I realized that she had told me the truth, that we could and would move on from my past. Our relationship had grown even stronger after that. Sure, we went to work, spent time with our friends and did other things, but as soon as we closed the door behind us it was just the four of us, basking in the safety of our little bubble.

I wondered how my return to working full shifts would affect that.

I kept telling myself that I was chasing the one dream that had helped me even through my darkest day, but as cleaned all traces of the surgery away I couldn't shake the feeling that that dream had slowly turned into a nightmare.

"You look like you need this," Garrett chuckled, handing me a small paper cup as I stumbled out of the scrub room. "Triple, extra strong."

"God bless you," I moaned, gulping the hot liquid down as fast as the heat allowed me.

"So what do you think Doctor Evil is up to?" Kate growled as we walked the short distance to House's office.

"Well," I sighed as we reluctantly crossed the threshold to the outer office. "There's only one way to find out."

"Ah, if it isn't Huey, Dewey and Louie," House grinned, sitting back in his chair as soon as is receptionist had shown us in. "How did the Pheo go?"

"Smoothly," I replied curtly, not wanting to go into another round of verbal sparring with my boss.

"And how does Doctor Denali feel about your new rise to fame?" he continued, his blue eyes flickering from Kate to me.

"Doctor Denali couldn't be happier," Kate's swift reply came as she stood tall, towering above our boss as her nostrils flared in frustration. "We're a team. We function as a team. If something good happens to a member of the team, the whole team is happy. Isn't that so Doctor O'Shea?"

It didn't happen often that she called Garrett by his last name and he seemed a little discomfited by her display.

"Garrett," Kate hissed, prodding him in the side.

"Oh, yeah, sure," Garrett blurted out, grabbing his side as a faint blush crept onto his cheeks. "We're a team."

"I see I've made the right decision then," House mused, an evil smirk appearing on his face. "If the three of you are still determined to ruin all the fun, then I have no other option but to set the cat among the pigeons." He reached towards his phone and pushed one of the buttons, connecting him to his secretary in the outer office. "Send her in."

Everything seemed to move in slow motion from the moment I heard the door behind us open and my worst nightmare walk into the room.

I knew all foolish notions I might have entertained about everything going back to normal now that Bella knew about my past were forever forgotten as I watched her stride into the room, an arrogant smirk on her lips as she stood next to Caius who looked up to her in adoration.

"Doctors, may I introduce you to your new colleague," he started. "Doctor Romanova joins us all the way from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles."

* * *

_**Gird your loins everyone….the bitch is back! Poor Edward. Now he's going to have to fight the evil ex to get his dream job.**_

_**I know a lot of you will be angry at Bella for deciding to keep Irina's visit a secret. Yes, she's doing exactly what Edward did, only she should know better. Her decision was caused by a myriad of factors (one of the most important being Edward behavior over the last couple of chapters) and her own tendency to overestimate her own ability to 'deal with things' and a misplaced urge to protect (hmmm, where have we seen this before….). Edward and Bella are very similar in this way and nine times out of ten that works just fine. The tenth time however….**_

_**The move went as okay as these things do but the exciting news is that I got the keys to my new home today when I anticipated I wouldn't get them for another two or three weeks. This means that things can get back to normal sooner than expected and I'll have more writing time in the very near future. Until that happens though it will probably take a little bit longer for me to respond to reviews. I will respond though….**_

_**So for now….please let me know what you thought of this (and please don't throw things at me?)**_


	17. Take these broken wings and learn to fly

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**I'm sorry for getting this chapter out so late. I'm crazy busy with my move (I'm planning on moving in this Saturday since there's a bed and a sofa and a surface to put my laptop on) and I've started my new job this Monday. **_

_**I know a lot of you will be disappointed that this is another flashback chapter but please remember: I thought long and hard about the placing and subject of each and every flashback. There's a reason why this one is here.**_

_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any mistakes you might find that I didn't spot.**_

* * *

**Take these broken wings and learn to fly**

_**Spring 2000**_

"Bella baby? Can I come in?" my mother's voice drifted through the closed door, barely audible over the sound of Muse's _Muscle Museum_ blaring though the room.

"It's open!" I yelled back, hiding the chocolate chip cookies in the drawer of my bedside table.

"Aww. Don't hide the cookies," my mom pouted as she walked in, her nose wrinkled with disgust as she hit the pause button on my cd-player. "And would it kill you to play some decent music for a change? Dear lord! The man sounds like someone's got him by the jewels!"

"I can't listen to Jimi Hendrix every day," I smirked, offering my mom a cookie to shut her up. "It gets kind of old after a while."

"Nonsense," she gasped, shaking her head. "Good music never gets old."

"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?' I asked, quickly changing the subject before we would launch into a marathon music discussion. Again. "Somehow I find it hard to believe you'd come up here just to criticize my taste in music."

"You're right," she chuckled, sitting down on the bed next to me. "Did you know I had my first Yoga class a couple of days ago?"

"Nope," I replied. "I'm just surprised they're still letting you in at the community center. You know….after the pottery class incident…"

"That was nothing," my mom shrugged. "I'm sure the man understood my artistic temper, being an artist himself."

"Sure," I chuckled. I had the feeling somehow that even for an artist it would be hard to appreciate it when a woman pelted you with ceramics. Artistic disposition or not.

"Anyway," she continued, her eyes telling me that all discussion of the pottery incident was closed. "As I was saying…I had my first yoga-class a couple of days ago and just when I was in the middle of saluting the moon Marjorie McRae strikes up a conversation with me, would you believe that?"

"Since when does that old hag practice Yoga?" I snorted, the idea of the particularly venomous town gossip bending herself into all sorts of odd shapes while discussing the latest juicy news alone was enough to make me laugh.

"I know," my mom laughed, rolling her eyes. "But then again….you haven't seen our instructor yet. He looks like Pierce Bronsan, except he's a lot more…bendable."

"Ewww!" I had a hard time hiding my disgust as I pictured the women of Forks fawning over some hot piece of masculine ass bend into God knows what kind of unnatural shape.

"Don't be like that!" my mom scowled. "Anyway….I was trying to tune her out when she starts gushing over senior prom and the 'simply adorable' dress that little viper of hers and she had bought in Port Angeles the other day."

"Did she?" I squeaked, having a pretty good idea of where this conversation was headed.

"You never told me about prom," my mother accused, pointing one of her stubby fingers at me.

"Why would I?" I retorted. "It's not like I'd be going anyway."

"Why not?" she asked, looking at me as if she didn't understand why I would ever want to shun prom.

"I don't have a date, for starters," I shrugged. Not having a date was the least of my problems. The fact that half of the people who would be going – a conservative guess – hated my guts (and vice versa) was a much bigger issue, but not one I would like to discuss with my mom. Not after the PTA-incident.

"You could take the Black boy," she stated.

"I thought you hated Jacob?" I tried, my mind coming up with all sorts of horror scenarios for the night.

"I do," she reluctantly admitted. "But sometimes a mother has to choose the lesser of two evils to make sure her daughter doesn't miss out on life."

"You didn't seem to bother this much when you refused to let me go to Silverchair in Seattle last year," I grumbled.

"That's a whole different matter," my mom shrugged. "If it would have been Lou Reed I might have said yes, but that noise…There's no way I'll let you waste your ears on that. Not we have our heart set on the Ivy League. Just imagine what would happen if those ghastly tunes damaged your hearing? You wouldn't be able to listen to a word your Professors said."

"Whatever," I growled, trying to ignore my mom and go back to reading but unfortunately, though not surprisingly, she wouldn't have any of that.

"Bella!" she scowled, swatting the book away. "If you go on like this you're going to end up like on of those scary cat ladies!"

"What's the matter with that?" I shrugged. "I like cats."

"Just you wait until they start eating you," my mother warned. "I read this horrible story the other day about a woman who was found dead and half eaten by her own cats."

"What's the likelihood of that happening in Forks?" I spat back, craning my eyebrow. "The social Gestapo would be all over my shit before Fluffy would even stop to consider whether I'm edible or not."

"Well, you're going to prom and that's final!" my mom huffed, stomping her foot in a childish gesture. "I already bought you a dress so if you refuse to go it would mean you'd be throwing away seventy-five dollars."

"That's low!" I snarled. "Even coming from you."

"All's fair when you're trying to keep your only daughter from turning into a hermit," she said, smiling like a damn Cheshire Cat. She knew she had this in the bag the moment she had mentioned the money she spend. Damn her!

"So when do I get to see the dress?" I asked, trying to resign myself to being dragged kicking and screaming to my senior prom while another fear was starting to rise in my chest. I knew my mom well, but not well enough to predict what she had chosen for me. It could either be really good or really, really bad.

"It won't arrive for another day or so," she replied, her eyes shining with happiness over the fact that I had apparently resigned myself to her decision. "Your size was sold out so they had to order it from another branch. They were pretty nice about it though, even agreed to send it out to me for free."

"That's great mom," I sighed, the dress-talk already boring me.

"Now all you need is an escort," she continued. "So why don't you give…._that boy_ a call and see if he's free." Her face scrunched up as if she had just smelled something utterly disgusting. "I'm sure your father will be over the moon when he finds out."

"I don't think dad will ever be happy to see me going out with a boy," I chuckled, "not even when the boy in question is his best friend's son." I remembered all too clearly how he had acted when Jake came to pick me up for our first date, a couple of years ago. Even though he had known Jacob from birth, he had still found it necessary to give him the whole 'I know where you live' bullshit speech and make sure one of his buddies from the force drove past the diner Jake took me to a couple of times that night just so the poor boy wouldn't be getting any 'funny thoughts in his head'.

"Well, you need an escort….I guess the Black boy will do, even though he smells funny and he really should reconsider the length of his ponytail. He looks like a damn horse when you see him from behind."

At least that was something to look forward to. As long as Jake would be by my side half of the bitch squad would be too intimidated by his muscles to openly attack me and at least his dry humor would ensure that I'd get a few good laughs out of the night. It would almost be as if Emmett was there with me. Though not quite….

"Oh and Bella?" my mom paused in the doorway, assuming I would use the privacy she gave me to call my friend.

"Yes, mother?"

"Don't let that boy fool you into doing something stupid." Her voice was stern as she prepped herself for another rendition of 'the speech'. "Boyfriends lead to teenage pregnancy and we haven't worked our butts of all those years to see you ending up in Forks with some deadbeat and an unwanted child. You're too good for that. You are going to get the hell out of here and make something of yourself and that amazing brain of yours and I won't stand by and let anything or anyone get in the way of that."

"I know mom," I sighed. As much as it hurt me to hear that my mom had so little trust in my own judgment and sense of responsibility I knew where it came from; her own life. "And anyway…Jake and I tried the boyfriend/girlfriend-thing, remember? It didn't work out. I'm sure he doesn't want to go through all of that again just for kicks."

"I'm just saying," she sighed exasperated, hitting the 'play' button on my cd-player on the way out.

"I know," I muttered at the closed door.

I sometimes wondered how my mom's life would have played out if my dad hadn't knocked her up during their senior prom. I'd found out over the years that her grades had been as good as mine, if not better, so it was safe to say she'd probably be accepted at some decent university. Sometimes I even wondered if my mom's eccentricity had been caused by the sense of entrapment she felt at being tied to a small town when she had a big city mind. Maybe the way she was throwing herself into one hobby after another was just her way of finding some sort of challenge for her brain.

Going even further you could also question if the way she had succeeded at alienating virtually every inhabitant of Forks – including her own husband – as her way of resistance. That the way she didn't conform to local standards was the only way she had left to express her dissatisfaction with the path her own life had taken.

I wish she wouldn't do that though even though I could only begin to imagine what it must be like for her to be trapped here in the town she only ever wanted to get the hell away from and in a marriage with a man she clearly despised.

It would have made my life so much easier if she didn't express herself so clearly.

It wasn't so much that I resented the way she was. On the contrary; her carefree, non-conformist attitude was something I admired her for. It was just that being regarded as the daughter of the local fruit cake made life at school pretty damn hard for me, especially when normalcy was the standard.

Growing up in a one income household meant that – though we weren't exactly poor – money was tight. Where the other girls at my school were showing off their expensive clothes and gadgets, all my garments were generic and though I treasured my walkman with every fiber of my being, even I had to admit that it was rather ancient.

As if that wasn't enough to put the 'social outcast' stamp on me, my lack of coordination and my mom's determination to get me accepted into the Ivy League more than did the trick in a town were physical fitness was deemed much more important than grades. With the added bonus of my mom's eccentricity and my dad being the chief of police the deal had been sealed from the start.

It hadn't been so bad while Emmett was still around. No one who'd seen him dared to be anything but polite to anyone associated with the guy. Sure, he had the reputation of being an easygoing guy who like to hang out with his buddies from the football team but everyone remembered what had happened that day I had come home from Kindergarten crying because Joey Fosse had pulled my hair. No one would have been stupid enough to mess with the Swans ever since.

It had been a different story ever since he'd left town on a football scholarship though….

Later that night, when I lay in bed, trying to drift off to the familiar sounds of my parents arguing and doors slamming while I still tried to come to terms with the fact that I would be going to my senior prom and I would be wearing a dress and – quite possibly – heels.

As I heard my father's angry footsteps retreating towards the car, the start of the engine letting me know that he would spend another night at the office working 'overtime' just to get away from my mom I wished Emmett would have been here to tell me everything would be fine.

Resigned not to let all of that ruin my life before I had even gotten to the good parts I told myself the same thing I had been telling myself over and over again for the last year. It didn't matter what the people in this town thought about me. In just a few more months I would finally be out of here anyway.

**xXx**

"Are you still sure you want to come with me?" I asked incredulously as Jake helped my dad unpack his fishing tack. He'd driven my dad back from another fishing trip with his dad, just in time to be warned it seemed.

His dad, Billy, and mine went way back to the time Billy snuck my dad into the rez on bonfire nights so that they could get drunk on the homebrew Billy's dad used to fabricate in his shed. Billy had also been the one to warn him about going out with my mother which explained why my mother hated Billy and everything and everyone remotely associated to him, including Jake.

"Sure," he shrugged, "why not?"

"Because I'll look like I belong in San Francisco in the sixties instead of Forks in the new millennium?" I snorted, knowing now why my mom had been so secretive about the dress.

"As I see it you have a choice between two things," he stated, kicking at a few pebbles. "Either you let the bitch squad kick your ass yet again and you spend the night hiding out in your room listening to Muse or you rock the hippie look and let them know just how much you care about their opinion."

"I take it you favor the second option?" I chuckled. He couldn't have made it any more obvious if he would have spelled out the words.

"Only an idiot would choose the first one," he grinned, "especially when picking the second means you get to spend the whole night with a cute Quileute boy from the rez."

"Only you would describe yourself as cute!" I snorted, rolling my eyes at him.

"Well I am!" he huffed. "Sue always says so!"

"Right," I chuckled. "If Sue says so it has to be true." Jake doted on his stepmother. It had been that way ever since his dad married her when Jake and Leah were small.

"Now get your ass upstairs and make sure you look pretty tonight," he commanded, trying to ooze confidence and masculinity I guessed. "I'm not taking some ugly troll out tonight."

"Thanks Jake," I replied, feigning anger. "I'll see what I can do."

"That's my girl," he chuckled, playfully swatting my rear before hopping back into his ramshackle Volkswagen Rabbit.

Sighing to myself I made my way back upstairs where I knew my mom was waiting for me.

With the dress.

"Isabella Marie Swan!" she scolded, as soon as she saw me. "Don't look at me like I've just killed your puppy. For heaven's sake. It's just a dress."

"You're right about that mom!" I growled under my breath, still angry about how my mom had let her own, slightly loopy taste dictate what I'd be wearing on my senior prom.

"I don't see what the problem is," she complained. "It's not as if the good people of Forks are the standard of what to wear."

"As long as we live here they are!" I argued.

"Then maybe you should work on being less dependant on what other people think," she huffed, jumping at the chance to discuss another one of her pet subjects. "Look," she sighed, seeing my look of horror as I settled my eyes on the dress. "If you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't like the dress then so be it. I'll even personally call the Black kid and tell him you won't be going."

She had me there, and the worst thing was that she knew it.

The dress, even though slightly out of the ordinary, was amazing. It was something I would have picked if I had the guts to be different, which I didn't. It had fit like a glove when I had reluctantly tried it on earlier today and – even though I hated dresses – this one felt rather comfortable. At least the full skirt would hide the scars my knees wore in testament of my many outings with Emmett and Jake and the tiered top and v-shaped neckline made the most of what little cleavage I had. But the most amazing thing about it was the fabric. It looked like something out of a Monet painting with delicate flowers scattered all over the smooth flowing silk. It looked like it belonged at Woodstock which was exactly the thing that was 'wrong' with it.

Forks definitely wasn't Woodstock.

"I guess that answers my question," my mom stated, satisfied by my lack of response.

"Yeah, well, I guess Bella will go to the ball after all," I sighed, deciding to do what Jake told me: rock the look.

A few hours later my mom deemed me able to be shown to the outside world, her animated voice yapping on and on as she helped me down the stairs (not a luxury considering how my mother had forced me into a pair of Mary Janes) to where my dad and Jake were already waiting.

"You look great, Bells!" Jake's eyes almost fell out of their sockets as he took in my appearance. "Here, I've got something for you." He reached up and tucked a few freshly picked daisies behind the hair band I was wearing. "I figured you'd like them more than some flashy corsage."

"Thanks Jake!" I smiled. "You don't look too bad yourself!" I could see he had really made an effort to clean up from his usual scruffiness. He was wearing the suit he normally reserved for funerals and his sleek black hair was tied back in a ponytail.

"You're not leaving the house in that….thing!" my dad growled, and it was only then that I noticed the horrified look on his face his face almost turning purple as he pointed at my dress.

"I'm not?" I asked, unable to hide the tiny sparkle of hope.

"I don't see what's wrong with it," my mom hissed, crossing her hands in front of her chest as she glared at him. "It covers all the basics and – if I remember correctly – has a whole lot more fabric to it than my prom dress. You never seemed to have a problem with that one….though I wish you had and…." She blushed realizing that referring to how a sexy dress had gotten her pregnant during her senior prom wasn't exactly helping "well….I'll just shut my mouth."

"Thank God for that!" My dad snarled. "Here's hoping it will last!"

"For God's sake, shut up!" my mom spat back. "This isn't about you and your stuffy, old-fashioned ways. This is about our little girl growing up and having fun….though I suppose you wouldn't know what that is if it happened right in front of you."

I feared he was going to have a heart attack as he glowered at my mom, meanwhile trying to find a reason to keep me home. It was probably the shock of seeing his little tomboy dressed up like a lady that had set him off, seeing as the dress in itself was relatively modest compared to the dresses my classmates would probably be wearing.

"You just remember what I said earlier," he growled, turning to Jake. "I got a .45 and a shovel and I know where to hide a body so that no one will find it."

"Aye, aye, chief," Jake nodded, the slightly frightened look on his face making me guess my dad had probably brought out said .45 earlier while my mom and I were still upstairs.

"Fine," dad huffed, still glaring at my mom. "If she's not home by eleven I'm file a missing person's report."

"Don't worry daddy,' I chuckled, standing on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. "I'll be careful and besides….if anything happens I've always got my trusty pepper spray with me." I patted on the tiny purse my mom had dug up somewhere.

"Good girl," he nodded, holding the door open for me as Jake gallantly offered me his arm.

"I guess I've given my parents plenty of stuff to argue about," I sighed as Jake lead me out to his Rabbit.

"They should thank you for it," Jake joked, trying to make light of the situation.

"I guess," I muttered, staring out of the window as we sped off in the direction of the school. As much as I loved both my parents I hated what they were doing to each other. They were the living proof that 'doing the right thing' could sometimes turn out completely wrong. The worst thing about it wasn't even the fighting. It was the knowledge that both my parents were unhappy but neither of them was ever going to do anything about it. Deep down inside I was hoping that, with me leaving the nest in a couple of months, they would start pretending they had anything left to keep them together and just get a divorce.

It would be the best thing that could ever happen to all parties involved.

The gymnasium was packed by the time we arrived, the sound of music blaring through the sound system and the smell of food, sweat and horny teenagers almost making me forget how often I had been carried out of here and across the quad to the nurses' office.

I sure hoped that wouldn't be happening tonight.

"Do you want to dance?" Jake asked, nervously dragging his hand through his hair as he watched various people grind into each other on the dance floor.

"Not really," I snorted.

"Thought so," he grinned.

"Maybe later?"

"Really Bella?" He seemed as stunned as I was at the words leaving my mouth. "Are you sure?"

"Unfortunately…yes," I smirked. "If word gets out to my mom that I spend the entire night watching from the sideline there will be no living with her."

"Right…okay," he stuttered, suddenly looking more nervous than I was. "S-so do you want to get it over with now?"

"I'm asking you to dance with me, Jake!" I snickered, amused by my friend's sudden nervousness. "I'm not asking you to give me your virginity!"

"Who says I'm still a virgin?" he huffed.

"Come on! Who's the first person you would have run to if you did the deed?' I quipped.

"Let's just do this," he grumbled, grabbing my arm and dragging me to the dance floor where – much to my relief – a slower song had just started. I don't know what I would have done if I would have been forced to dance to the grind-song from before, though I guessed it wouldn't be too different from what I was doing now: shuffle my feet around awkwardly while getting way too up close and personal with my best friend.

"This isn't so bad," Jake muttered after a few minutes.

"What did you expect it to be?" I wondered, though I had to admit he was right. Once you got over the awkwardness it was alright. It felt a whole lot better than kissing him, that's for sure.

As much as I hated myself for it, I had given in to Jake's pleas to give 'the boyfriend/girlfriend-thing a go a couple of years ago. I knew he had had a thing for me for God knows how long and since Billy and my dad had been rooting for the two of us to get together ever since we were still in diapers I figured I was doing the right thing.

I had soon found out, however, that doing what would make everyone around you happy didn't necessarily meant that it would make _me_ happy. Unfortunately it had been during our first kiss that I realized that what I felt for Jake was nothing but the love I felt for a brother.

I had spend days afterwards trying to come up with a 'nice' way to let him know how I felt only to have Jake corner me some day and tell me he already knew. What had made matters even worse was that he had been heartbroken but still adamant that we shouldn't let what happened change us. He had literally gone back to our old ways in the span of a few days, though I could see in his eyes how hurt he was. He never said anything about it, though, which only made me feel lie a more miserable human being than I already felt.

"I dunno," he shrugged.

"You never danced before?" I asked, a little astonished.

"If you don't count being attacked by Sue every now and then, no," he replied. "There's hardly any girl my age around on the rez and Leah is…well…Leah."

I rolled my eyes. For someone claiming to be as smart as Jacob proclaimed himself to be the guy could be awfully dense sometimes. If he would have pulled his head out of his ass and looked at the scenery he would have noticed long ago that Leah's less than friendly behavior was actually her way of saying she liked him. And not just as a step-brother.

We were both happy when the song ended, even if dancing with Jake might not have been as bad as I thought it was. At least I was able to strike one more 'teen experience' from my mom's list.

"Why don't I go get us another drink?" Jake offered as he lead me back to a quiet spot somewhere to the back of the room.

"Kay," I nodded, glad to give my sore feet a rest for now. "I'll just wait here."

"Hi Bella!" I squeaked with surprise as Kim, one of the few people at school who talked to me, appeared from out of nowhere almost the moment Jake had disappeared in the crowd.

"God, you scared the crap out of me!" I laughed. Kim was nice, not that we were really close or something, but you could say we were friends I supposed.

"Sorry," she chuckled. "So who's the hunk?"

"What?" I hadn't seen anything that qualified as 'hunky' that night and even if I had, why on earth would Kim be asking me about it? It wasn't exactly like hot boys were seeking me out.

"Tall, dark and handsome?" she explained, rolling her eyes when I still didn't understand what the fuck she was saying. "Your date?"

I followed her gaze to where Jake was standing at the drinks table. It was only then that I noticed how almost the complete female population of Forks High was checking Jacob out.

"My date?" I stuttered. "Oh, you mean Jacob?"

"He's gorgeous," she sang. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"No!" I half yelled. "I mean…we're just friends. H-he's more like a brother to me."

What the hell?

Looking at Jacob again – this time in a whole new light – I had to conclude that she had a point, though it had completely escaped my notice until now. Jake was hot, in his own kind of way. He'd grown out of his lanky 'all arms and legs and nothing in between' state into a strong and confident and good-looking young man, though I still had a hard time calling it 'gorgeous'. I hadn't even thought about him like that during the brief time we'd dated.

"Well if you're not interested, do you mind if I have a go?" she asked.

"Sure," I shrugged, "be my guest."

As soon as she got the okay from me she danced across the dance floor to meet Jacob, on his way back with the drinks, to persuade him to dance with her. I shrugged and waved when he looked at me with an expression midway between eagerness and fear and watched as he finally gave in and drank his own drink in one gulp before drowning mine before letting Kim pull him further into the dancing mass.

I guessed that meant I'd have to get a drink myself.

"What are you doing here?" a sarcastic female voice screeched as I watched my friend stumble around.

Fuck.

Ellen had sniffed me out.

That could only mean one thing: the rest of the bloodhound gang must be close as well since they hardly ever went into battle alone. They were too cowardice for that.

"And what is that you're wearing?" she pointed at my dress looking like I had maggots crawling all over my body.

"Oh, my God!" another, equally malicious voice chimed in. "Don't they have a calendar at your place? Halloween is months away!"

Yep. The rest of the gang had definitely arrived.

They were the bane of my existence, the popular girls of Forks High. And it was safe to say the feeling was mutual.

I shrugged, trying to get out of the way or blend into the background while they kept glaring at me as if my very presence in the room was disturbing them. They dared me to protest. To say something, do something or otherwise give them an excuse to lay into me. So I did the only thing a girl could do in my situation: I hid my face behind my hair and looked at my feet, hoping the earth would be merciful and swallow me.

It wasn't that their words didn't leave painful gashes and shoot my already fragile confidence and self-esteem to pieces, it was just that I knew that it was pointless to fight back.

I'd been through this too often not to have learned that valuable lesson.

Fighting back would only lead to worse comments or – even more horrible – to my mom finding out and causing another scene.

Ignoring them would be safer.

Ignoring them would lead to being ignored in return, which was what I preferred.

However, I hadn't considered Jacob in this plan, a mistake made all too clear when I heard his outraged growl behind me.

"I wonder where you find the fucking nerve to attack her like that!" he spat, Ellen's eyes growing to the size of saucers when she watched him tower over her in all his muscular glory. "Why don't you just leave her alone if you have nothing nice to say?"

Nicole didn't seem as daunted as her friend as she pushed him aside, a look of malice on her face. "If she didn't want us to talk to her she should have kept out of our way," she sneered, looking depreciatively at my clothes. "Or worn something less ridiculous."

"At least Bella is trying to be original instead of blending in with the rest of the sheep," Jake growled, his glare matching hers as he snorted at the soft pink strapless dress Nic was wearing. "Like you."

"Are you calling me a sheep?" she screeched and for a moment I thought she was going to hit him.

"What of it?" Jake challenged.

"How dare you!" she huffed, her antics attracting the attention of some of the jocks.

"Come on, Jake," I pleaded, tugging on his arms. "Let's go."

"Not before the bitch apologizes to you," he growled.

"It's going to be a long wait, I hope you brought a book," Ellen chuckled, the sardonic smile normally reserved for me now directed at him, "that is…if you can actually read."

"Let's just leave, Jake," I begged, feeling his resistance slowly starting to wane. "It's okay."

"It's not okay!" he growled, his dark eyes blazing into mine with a mix of confusion and disappointment. "You can't just let them get away with that!"

"I can and I will," I sighed. "It's no good picking a fight with them. Believe me."

"Listen to the girl, Black," I heard Ellen mock somewhere over to my left. I felt every muscle in Jacob's shoulder tense again as the words hit their mark and I had to fight to keep his attention on me instead of having it shift back to my nemesis.

"Come on," I tried again, a traitor tear stinging in the corner of my eye. "Let's get out of here."

We walked back to the Rabbit in silence, Jake seemingly deep in thought while I pondered my latest 'run in' with the bloodhound gang. Somehow those bitches always found a way to make me feel tiny, especially at times when, like today, I was starting to think social interaction might not be so bad after all. The worst thing about it was that if people told you you sucked often enough in the end you would inevitably start to believe it. Not even the best 'Higginbotham pep talk' in the world could right the wrong they had done over the years.

At least I would be out of their range in a couple of months….

"Do you want me to take you home?" Jake asked, pulling me out of my somber mood.

"Not really," I smirked. "I really would prefer it if my mom never knew what happened tonight." If I showed up before eleven looking like I'd been crying I knew there would be questions. Considering my lack of talent when it came to concealing the truth and my mom's superior interrogation skills I knew she'd have the truth out of me before I could make it to my room and was something I hope to prevent at all times.

"Sure," he nodded.

"If you want to go home you could always drop me off at the edge of town," I offered, knowing that Jake was probably still angry with me for what happened before. "I could walk home."

"And have your dad kill me when he finds out?" Jake smirked. "That's not going to happen sweetheart!" He flashed his boyish grin at me, his perfect white teeth shining in the light of the setting sun. "And besides…would it really be such a punishment to spend some time with me?"

"You know that's not it," I muttered, picking at the fabric at my dress. "I thought you'd be angry."

"Angry? No," he sighed. "Disappointed? Yes."

"I know," I whispered, noticing that he'd driven us to 'our spot'.

It was a perfect spot, perched high on top of a cliff overlooking First Beach. We had stumbled across it one day, long ago, while walking around. The shelter of the trees provided protection against the wind and the rain and the gate, a remainder of some long forgotten construction, was a perfect spot to sit on and gaze out over the Pacific.

It was a good place to think. Or talk.

It was the place where he had asked me out and the place where I had eventually said yes. It was the place where we had shared our first kiss, but also the scene of our breakup and all the awkward conversations about 'being friends' that followed it. It was where I felt most comfortable in the entire world and Jake knew it.

"How was dancing with Kim?" I asked, trying to distract attention from the reason we were here.

"It was alright, I guess," Jake admitted shyly, producing a small flask of home brew, a recipe that had been passed down in his family for generations. The stuff was so strong it could knock even Emmett off his feet.

"Do you like her?" I chuckled, taking a small sip from the flask as he offered it to me, "I think she has a thing for tall, dark and handsome guys."

"She's not really my type," he grinned. "So you think I'm handsome?"

"You're alright, I guess," I shrugged. "Poor Kim."

"I don't think she'll be too heartbroken," Jake snickered. "Hey, I could always pass her number on to Jared. I think he's pretty desperate to get himself a girl."

"I'll tell her you said that!" I laughed, jabbing him in the shoulder.

"At least she was a nice person," he growled, a shadow passing over his face as he no doubt remembered the rest of the night. "Not like those idiot skanks. I knew they were bad but I didn't expect them to be that….revolting." His hands balled into fists as his anger built up.

"Will you promise me something?" I asked, knowing what would happen if he ever ran into them again.

"Depends…" he mused, staring out in front of him.

"If you see them again….please don't make a fuss," I whispered, knowing it was a pretty tall order. "It would only make matters worse."

"What the hell, Bella?" he yelled, his fists slamming on the edge of the fence, making the whole structure shake dangerously. "You should be the one kicking up the fuss! Those idiots will never stop if you just let them have a go at you!"

"I know," I sighed. "It will only make matters worse, though. Please? It's only for a couple of months, then I'll be out of here…"

"You know I'd do anything for you, Bells," he said softly, his hand moving over the edge of the fence towards were mine was resting.

"I know," I whispered, wondering if he could even hear my voice. "I just wish I…."

"Shh," he interrupted me. "I know, Bells." He shrugged, bringing the flask to his mouth again. "But that don't mean I will stop trying, mind you."

"Stubborn ass," I growled, jokingly trying to elbow him off the fence but loosing my balance in the process and finding myself making friends with the ground again.

"You know..that's the only fighting I've seen you do tonight," Jake mused as he helped me back up. "Why the hell did you let those snakes get to you like that?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess that was one thing not even the famous Renee Swan née Higginbotham was able to impart on me."

"You always did take more after your dad," Jacob nodded, "and thank the Lord for that!" He stayed silent for a while and we both just sat there, watching a huge bird dive into the ocean and come out, holding a fish in its beak. "But Bella?" I was a little started as Jake finally broke the silence.

"Yes?"

"If I may give you some piece of advice?" He looked at me as if he was almost afraid I was going to punch him in the face.

"Okay," I shrugged.

"Next time something like this happens….fight back."

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_**This chapter was very close to my heart since I used to be in Bella's position when it comes to being bullied. The names of the snakes are those of my tormentors. Writing this chapter was very therapeutic. More so than I would like to admit. **_

_**I hope to be able to post another chapter next week but I don't know if I'll manage seeing as I'm moving into my home and will be virtually without internet until September 7**__**th**__**. I'll see what I can do though……**_

_**For now…please review!**_


	18. Living on the edge

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**My love goes out to my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx. There wouldn't have been an update this week without her.**_

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**Living on the edge**

_**December 2009**_

"I don't want to wake up!" Bella's groggy voice sounded as the annoying beeping sound of her alarm clock permeated the silence.

"Then don't, love." I laughed lazily as I spoke, rolling over onto my back, trapping my wife's small body on top of mine. "It's winter recess. No one is going to care if you come in late…or if you come in at all."

"Stop it," she groaned, a hint of warning seeping into her voice as she tried to roll away from me. "Edward, please, let me go."

"Don't want to," I pouted, tightening my hold as I breathed in the scent of strawberry, freesia and love.

"Edward," she groaned, warning making place for annoyance.

"I'm sorry love," I sighed, letting her go. "I just wanted you by my side for a few more moments."

"I know," she muttered, lifting herself up on her arms and leaning in for a slow, meaningful kiss. "But I do really have to get ready for work." I could see she was as unhappy about that as I was as she got up from the bed and disappeared behind the door to our en-suite bathroom, the sound of running water soon drowning out all other noises from the house.

Irina had been working at the hospital for almost a week now, and I was still trying desperately to find the right words to tell my wife. I had been determined, that first night, to come clean to her and let her help me find a way to get through this, but then a huge pileup on the expressway had kept me at work for twelve hours straight, allowing me only enough time off to get home, shower, change my clothes, look at my sleeping kids, eat a hushed meal and get back in for my next shift. The rest of the time my schedule had been such that I only got home when Bella was already asleep and woke after she had left for her work.

Every day that had passed since Irina had been presented as the new candidate for the fellowship, my guilt was getting heavier but I had to wait. I had to break this news to Bella carefully, which was why telling her on the phone or waking her up in the middle of the night with my 'exciting' piece of news were out of the question. I'd have to find some way though, and I would have to do it soon before she heard it from someone else.

Deep down inside I knew I should man up and talk to my wife, not just about the things that were happening in my life, but about the stuff that was going on in hers as well. Over the last couple of months I had seen her struggle, watched on as the sparkle left her body and was replaced by ever incessant tiredness.

I had looked on and I had done absolutely nothing.

Sure, I had tried talking to her a couple of times but I had known from the start that nothing would come of those conversations. Between Bella's stubbornness and determination to make this work and my own busy schedule there was little I could reproach her with that I wasn't guilty of myself. And what was worse…she knew it which was why the few times I had breached the subject had ended in fights.

I was hoping that the next couple of weeks would allow her to get some much needed rest. Alice and Rose had surprised us by setting up an elaborate schedule for Masen and Libby that would allow Bella at least three days every week to work without having to think about the kids. The remaining days were for relaxing and spending time with Libby and Masen, something I knew Bella had been missing during the last, hectic weeks of the semester.

The progress was already visible. The deep blue bruises under her eyes were slowly starting to fade, even after a couple of days, and the frantic, restless expression in her eyes had made way for a more peaceful expression.

I knew there had been a meeting with Professor Bell on Monday and that they would be working closely together over the next couple of weeks to get her writing up to academic standards. She had felt much more certain of her own capabilities after that. I knew the rejection of her first chapter had stung. The happiness she had felt when she had finally been able to write something had deflated like a soufflé and no words of mine had been able to reassure her of the fact that it had been just a minor stumbling block on her road to greatness. At least that appeared to be behind us right now.

Still, there was something…off…about her.

At first I had thought it was just the stress of the end of the semester. With all the finals and papers she had to grade it would have been logical for her to pull away slightly and focus a little more on her work. Yet it hadn't stopped last week, when classes had finished. In fact…it was like it had only gotten worse.

It wasn't like she had suddenly avoided me or didn't want to be touched anymore. On the contrary…over the last couple of days she had instigated out intimacy more often than ever before.

It was in small things. Moments when she was clearly hiding her emotions from me instead of sharing them, like she used to. Moments, also, when she sought solitude, locking herself away in the study while I was in the other room.

Of course I knew what was behind it.

Me.

As blissful as the thought had been while I entertained it I knew I should never have expected her to forget all about my past in a matter of days. Try as she might, I knew that deep down inside the truth about my past must have been more unsettling than she would have me think. She needed her space and time to deal with all of this and I needed to stay off her back and given her all the time and space that she needed.

That was why I held my tongue as I watched her retreat into the study at night after the kids had gone to bed even if the panic that bubbled up inside me grew exponentially each time she did.

When I heard the sound of running water stop, soon followed by the noise of the hairdryer, I knew that I had only minutes to compose myself. Unlike my sister, my wife didn't need hours to get ready in the morning.

Just the way I liked it.

Sure enough, a couple of minutes later the door to the en-suite opened, the steam permeating from the air slowly revealing my angel clad in the most unholy pieces of black lace ever to be called underwear.

"What are you looking at?" Bella purred as she caught me staring.

Damn! If only that woman knew the lust only the sound of her voice stirred inside me she would never doubt herself.

"You," I crooned back, lowering my voice a little as I sat up a straight, taking in the sight of my wife getting dressed for work. I knew the effect my voice had on her and – sure as clockwork – I could hear her breathing get heavier as her eyes started to fog over. She was quick to recompose herself this time though.

"Do you like what you see?" she continued, as she wriggled her toe into a stocking a started to roll the flimsy piece of fabric up her slender, creamy legs.

Before I knew it my hand had crept under the covers towards the spot where my morning wood was painfully demanding attention. The sight of my wife standing across the room in nothing but black lace and silk stockings making all blood flow away from my brains and towards other vital organs.

"Edward," she playfully scolded as soon as she spotted what my hands were doing. It didn't escape my notice, however, that when she stumbled, catching her weight on the chair as she brought the second stocking to her toe, she made sure she had her ass turned to me.

"Woman, are you trying to kill me?" I groaned, tightening my grip as my hand moved from the base of my dick to the tip in slow even strokes.

"I'm just trying to get dressed," she purred, almost crashing to the ground as she slowly pulled up the second stocking and fastened it onto the matching garter belt. "That is…if I don't kill myself in the process. We can't all sit about and play with ourselves all day, you know. Some of us have to work for a living."

"Then why don't you hop back in and help me out so we can both make it out of here on time," I urged her, motioning her over with the hand that wasn't otherwise occupied.

"Is that what you wish?" she purred, her eyes suddenly blazing as she stalked to the bed and started crawling over to me. As she reached my knees one of her hands fisted in the bed sheets covering me, dragging it down to reveal my erection. "Is that what you wish, Edward?" she repeated, crawling even further as he eyes bore into mine.

"Yes?" I panted in an uneven voice, my eyes flickering between her face and the very present boobs that were nearly spilling out of the flimsy little bra, my hands still moving on their own accord.

"Well," she spoke in a Birkinesque half moan as her eyes, shining with mischief, shifted from my face to my painfully hard cock. "We can't have everything we want." She leaned in and placed a kiss on my tip before jumping out of my arms reach and grabbing the wrap dress

"What? That is….come on!" I groaned, my hand stilling it's movements as I tried to process what just happened.

"You might want to take care of that," she giggled as she pointed to my erection while making sure her dress was covering everything it should. "I think I heard Libby moving about." And with that she winked at me and sashayed out of the room, leaving me completely puzzled and

"Bella!" I had meant my call for help to be forceful but it sounded more like a little boy watching his mummy leave on his first day at school.

When I heard her footsteps retreat down the stairs, her carefree giggles lingering behind, I knew it would be to no avail.

I had been cockblocked by my own wife.

By the time I had jacked off, taken a shower (actually combined the two) and gotten dressed the rest of my little family was assembled around the kitchen table. Libby's face looked thoughtful as she munched down her cereal while sneaking sideways glances at Bella who was feeding Masen his bottle.

Our little man was still shooting up like mad. He was starting to look more like Bella every day, with his eyes taking on that deep brown that I loved so much about my wife and his calm, almost thoughtful demeanor. Unfortunately his hair was still as unruly as ever. Of all the things I could have passed down to him it had to have been my messy, stubborn mop of oddly colored hair though Bella – for some unfathomable reason – seemed very happy about it.

He was looking up at me now as his tiny hands grasped his bottle with all their might, his lips releasing the nipple and breaking out into a huge toothless grin as soon as he spotted me.

"Ohh, look! There's daddy!" Bella cooed, her whole face lighting up with happiness as she watched our son's reaction.

"Dadaa!" he squealed, wriggling in Bella's grasp. In the end Bella had won the race for our baby's first word with 'mama' being the first parent to be named, joined after a short amount of time by 'dada' and 'wiwi', a nickname Libby wasn't too happy about.

"Good morning, little man!" I chuckled, kissing his forehead as I walked passed them in search of coffee. "I think you've grown even bigger overnight!"

"No, you wouldn't do that to mommy!" Bella pouted, ticking underneath his chin. "You will always stay small and adorable, just for me!"

"As if you're so adorable," I huffed, pouring myself a generous mug of steaming black liquid before I sat down at the table and grabbed a bagel from the breadbasket. "So what's on the menu for you today, Libby? Skydiving? Bungee jumping? Jet skiing?"

"No, silly!" Libby giggled as she spoke, almost spraying her cereal all over the table. "Aunt Rose is taking Masen and me to see the Statue of Liberty. We're going up all the way to the top!" Her eyes grew huge as she reached out her tiny arms to indicate the height.

"I wish I could go with you," I sighed, looking at my watch.

"Why don't you?" she asked as Bella started to get ready for work.

"I have to work today, sweetie," I said, a small groan escaping as I thought about having to spend yet another day amidst the fierce competition that had broken loose since the arrival of Irina.

"I'm sorry, daddy," she pouted, patting my hand as I heard the doorbell herald the arrival of Emmett and Rose. "Maybe you can go some other time."

"You don't have to feel sorry for me, baby," I reassured her as I pulled her into my lap and hugged her close. "I love my job, even though you think it's gross sometimes. Now you go and have fun today. I expect a full review when I get back tonight."

"Love ya daddy!' she squealed, placing a sloppy wet kiss on my cheeks before running out of the kitchen towards her uncle and aunt.

**xXx**

About an hour or so later I found myself back at the hospital staring at the surgical board. Officially my shift would end late in the afternoon, but ever since the race for the fellowship had started no one even cared about shifts anymore. If it wasn't for Bella and the children waiting for me at home or Doctor Wilson yanking me out of the OR when I had exceeded my 24 hour maximum I didn't think I'd even make it home anymore.

"What kind of surgery has Whorina fucked herself into today?" Kate growled under her breath as she came up beside me.

It was no secret that Irina and she didn't exactly see eye to eye. There had been a few skirmishes in the first week when Kate saw Irina flirting with her man and the tone had been set ever since.

"She's scrubbing in for a small bowel resection with Anspaugh," I commented, taking another good look at the board.

"Good," Kate mused, knowing that routine surgery wasn't going to get her much credit when it came to the fellowship.

"You're doing a whole lot better, I believe," I chuckled. "What was that I heard through the grapevine about assisting in a _Clamp and Run_ with Doctor Vucelich?"

"I happened to be at the right place at the right time," she shrugged, though I could clearly see she was lying.

"That seems to be quite a talent of yours, my dear," I replied, rolling my eyes as I put my hand on her shoulder. "Why don't you transfer some of your powers on me?"

"As if you need them," she huffed, playfully swatting my hand away as she pointed at the board. "You're doing a _Bentall_ with House!"

"I am," I mused, unable to hide my satisfaction as I looked at the board. "I guess I'm the lucky one, huh?"

"Arrogant ass!" Kate huffed, jabbing me in the shoulder as she stalked off in the direction of the Recovery Ward.

As happy as I was to scrub in for the _Bentall_ later today I had to admit I was rather jealous of her. Doctor Vucelich was a very well respected doctor and – not unimportant – a member of the selection committee for the fellowship. He wasn't know for allowing residents on his team, in fact…his team was so tight knit it had come to be known as the 'Cult of Vucelich'. If Kate would become a member she as good as had the fellowship in the bag.

After all hell had broken loose when House had announced the new addition to our team things had slowly settled back into a somewhat normal state again. Normal, if you considered having the ex-fuck from hell sidling up to you on every occasion.

What wasn't helping at all was that Irina had a gift of charming – almost goading – the people around her, me being exhibit one of said gift though that had been long ago and I wasn't very liklely to fall for her hollow charms again. It hadn't taken her long to wrap half the hospital staff around her finger, House being the first one to give. I had seen it that day he had conjured her up like a depraved rabbit out of a top hat, the flicker of admiration when he looked at her.

There were only four of us now, who formed the resistance. Apart from myself it consisted of Kate, Garrett and – strangely enough – nurse Farley. The good woman had taken one look at our new colleague and seen her for what she was; a troublemaker. Live had been much harder for doctor Romanova ever since.

But even the four of us had to admit, though be it very reluctantly, that Irina was a valuable addition to our team. She had a very quick mind and even quicker fingers. That, combined with a coolness of mind I'd already fallen victim to before, made for a brilliant surgeon. She had only been here for two weeks but already she was a force to be reckoned with.

"Good morning Doctor Cullen." I jumped as I heard House's voice coming from right behind me. "All set for the _Bentall_ at three?"

"Yes, Doctor House," I nodded, trying not to shiver as I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Thank you for giving me the opportunity."

"Just wait until after the surgery to start with the ass-kissing game, Doctor Cullen," he chuckled, his evil cackle resounding through the corridor. "This is a test. Pass it and I'll consider you back in the game, fail and you can kiss that fellowship goodbye." His eyes told me that he was speaking in earnest. "But please…try not to crack under pressure. I'm sure the poor patient's family wouldn't be overjoyed if you accidentally killed him."

He had left before I could think of a polite yet caustic reply. If I had found out anything about the guy it was that he knew how to throw a punch line and leave before anyone could outsmart him.

Great.

This was just great.

It was no secret that – though he had greatly enjoyed all of the free publicity that came with it – House had been less than pleased with the amount of time I'd had to take off because of the accident. This must be his way of evening the score which meant that, not only would I be subjected to another House-version of Twenty Questions, my whole career would depend on it.

I spend the remaining time in the medical library, brushing up my knowledge of Bentall-procedures, the aortic system and coronary heart disease in general just to be on the safe side before it was time to scrub in.

The procedure went swimmingly. Thanks to my studying I was able to answer all of House's questions and when he switched to testing my practical skills I was even able to perform most of the procedure myself with House watching on and commenting on my actions more for the benefit of the interns also assisting in the procedure than for mine.

"Good work, Doctor Cullen," House nodded. "I think you'll be okay to close up on your own. Just don't try to kill the patient, would you?"

"I'll have him in Recovery as good as new, Doctor House," I replied, beaming with pride at the compliment.

"It seems your little holiday hasn't affected your abilities after all," he mused as he watched me stitch the patient's chest back together.

"Thank you, Doctor House," I smiled, still focused on my work.

"Don't thank me yet," House chuckled as he moved to the exit, "this was only the first hurdle you've cleared. The race is far from over."

Closing up wasn't one of my favorite things to do but it was yet another way to portray my skills. When I was done I made sure the patient was delivered to Recovery in good order and debriefed the doctor and nurses on call for the night.

"Good work, Doctor Cullen," Irina's voice sounded behind me as I gave a few more instructions to the nurses. "I was able to watch from the gallery and damn! I might have underestimated the competition!"

"Thanks," I growled, scribbling a few more notes on the chart.

"You can talk to me, you know," she chuckled, taking a few steps closer while still maintaining a safe distance. "It's not like I'm going to rape you at the mere sound of your voice. You're not that pretty, nor that charming."

"I seem to recall a statement much to the contrary coming from you not that long ago," I huffed, outraged again when I remembered the night she had shown up on our doorstep.

"I was bored," she shrugged. "I needed something to divert me while I waited for House to call."

"You really haven't changed a bit since Cabo, have you?' I groaned, wondering what was behind this sudden charm offensive. "Why would I believe you?"

"Really Edward," she huffed playfully. "The years have done nothing to erase that chip on your shoulder, have they? Okay, so I played with you a bit. I just wanted to see your reaction! You have to allow this wicked woman a bit of fun!"

"Well, don't hate me for it but I'm not at all sure if I can trust you," I huffed, placing the chart back into the tray after finishing my notes.

"I guess I'll have to live with that," she shrugged, "I was pretty horrid to you and your wife. I hope she'll forgive me."

"I trust you won't bother her again," I spat back, trying – against my own better judgment – to convince myself that she was speaking in earnest. "At least….not if you don't want to be arrested for stalking."

"I can't promise never to see her, I mean…I'm pretty sure we'll meet again at the Christmas ball," she started, the blood draining from my face at the mention of the ball. "But I can promise to be perfectly agreeable if I bump into her there."

"The Christmas ball…." I gasped.

"Don't say you forgot about it!" Irina scolded. "Seriously. I don't know what's wrong with you men. It's alright for you to just pull your tuxedo out of the closet, brush the dust off it and be ready, but for us women those kind of occasions require some preparation. You're not going to tell me your wife doesn't know about the ball yet, are you?"

"N-no, of course not,' I stammered.

"Good," Irina mused. "I'd hate to see her fall short of the mark."

"Don't worry," I growled, the veiled insult not being quite as veiled as Irina would probably have intended it to be, "My wife is perfectly capable of making herself presentable and even if she would struggle to find a dress, there's always my sister to help her."

"Ah, yes….your sister…I've heard she's made quite a career for herself. I can't wait to meet her."

"Don't hold your breath, Irina," I warned, wanting to get the hell away from the woman as fast as I could. "Just because the two of us have to work together for now doesn't mean we're ever going to be friends."

"Suit yourself," she shrugged, returning her attention to her own work. "Though I think we'd get along swimmingly if you were to let go of what happened in the past. We're very similar, you and me."

"I don't think so," I muttered, placing the chart back into its holder before I walked out of the room.

Though she might not have realized it Irina had struck gold when she mentioned the Christmas Ball. Between the race for the fellowship and my busy family life I had forgotten all about it, leaving me in a more than awkward position. Part of me hoped that Bella, like me, had forgotten about the ball and that the evening could pass without notice, but the more rational part of me knew that, unless my sister suffered a stroke and would emerge a whole new person, that would probably be out of the question, as would be chance that Bella would refuse to go.

I sighed, knowing that attending balls and making small talk with the rich and famous was yet another aspect of my life that Bella had trouble adjusting to. Like with all other events she had been dragged to against her will she would put up a brave face and try…for me, but I had seen how much energy it took. Energy she didn't have….It sometimes made me wonder if I had done the right thing by dragging her into my world. I loved her more than life itself but sometimes I couldn't escape the feeling that I was sucking the life out of her like some kind of depraved vampire.

I would have to find a way to talk to Bella about the shit storm that had been raging at work before I could even begin to mention the ball to her. And I had to do it soon, before someone else did.

Tonight.

It would have to be tonight.

"Dammitt!" I growled out loud, slamming my fist against the steel door of my locker. "Why do I always have to fuck up everything I touch?"

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"Bella!" Alice squealed as soon as she saw me approach. "How are you? You look a lot better than the last time I saw you!"

"I feel a lot better, but thanks for compliment," I grumbled.

It was true. I was feeling a lot better. With the fall semester behind me and only a small amount of papers left to grade I finally felt like I could breathe a little easier. I had made a head start on the reading I needed to do for my thesis and was starting to really see what Stefan had meant when he had rejected my first draft. But most of all I was starting to feel more comfortable, not just at work but with life as a mother-slash-university-professor in general.

What probably helped as well was that after our skirmish in the university cafeteria it had been remarkably quiet on the Irina-front. So quiet even that it was starting to make me feel a little uneasy.

"And how are things between you and Jazz?" I asked, watching as Alice's normally so lively eyes sank listlessly to the tabletop at the mention of her boyfriend.

"Not good," she sighed, playing with the edge of the tablecloth.

"Define not good," I urged. I knew Alice didn't like to dwell on the bad things but I also knew from experience how much it helped to talk about them.

"Just…not good," she whispered. "I don't want to talk about it right now. I won't let him ruin yet another day."

"That bad?"

"Yep."

"I'm sorry." My feelings of guilt doubled when I saw the pained expression on Alice's face. I should have done more for her, for them. I had been so preoccupied with my own troubles lately that my friend's lives had completely escaped my notice. I should have done more.

"Don't be sorry about it, Bella," Alice spoke softly, her hand folding around mine. "It's not your fault."

"But I wasn't there for you."

"You were dealing with your own shit," Alice shrugged. "And believe me, I would have called if I needed you, remember? I don't suffer in silence!"

My answering smile was halfhearted, as was hers. "Well," she continued, recomposing herself. "As much as I like to dwell on the bad things – NOT – we have business to get to."

"Business?" I asked, almost choking on my soup as all sorts of horrible images of me back in Alice's torture chair came to mind.

"Yes, business," Alice repeated, rolling her eyes at my stupidity. "Come on Bella! What time of year is it?"

"Winter?" I replied hesitantly, the fire in the pixie's eyes scaring me a little.

"And what does that mean?"

"Christmas recess?" I tried.

"Close," she said, shaking her head reprovingly at my failure to see her point. "It means the hospital's Christmas ball is happening next week."

"Fuck!" I groaned. The Christmas ball had been the last thing on my mind.

"No, I think the word you're looking for is: yay!" she corrected me.

"I can't go, Ally," I sighed, knowing full well that resistance was futile. Hell, if I knew the little sprite as well as I thought I did she probably had already selected at least twenty possible outfits for me to wear. "I have to do a million things before we head on out to Chicago for Christmas and I can't get everything ready if I have to lose a whole day to get primped up for the ball only to be looked down upon the whole evening."

"You're going, Bella," Alice insisted. "And I'm not just saying that because I have found the most fabulous dress for you to wear. It's part of being a surgeon's wife. You have to show up at these kind of events to support your husbands and let the rest of the hospital staff ogle you."

"You're just making this up, don't you," I chuckled, my laughter vanishing like snow before the sun when I saw the dead serious expression on Alice's face. "Alice, please tell me you're joking."

"I'm not," Alice said. "You know how important these next couple of months are for Edward's career. If you don't show up for this event it's going to get interpreted as not showing support for your husband. We all know that's not it, but they don't."

"You're saying I'm going to harm his career if I don't show up?" I gasped. I hadn't looked at it like that.

"I'm not saying that that's what's going to happen," Alice replied. "But it might. You know Kate, Garrett and Edward are pretty much tied when it comes down to their capabilities. The selection board is bound to look at other things…"

"I see," I sighed.

"It might not be so bad," Alice suggested. "Sure, your last experience with the Christmas ball might have been pretty horrible but I promise that it's not always that bad." She paused, a faint smile creeping onto her face. "And besides, with Tanya married and living in Boston and Victoria banned from all hospital function after the broom closet-incident…the skank-level had come down considerably."

"You may be right there," I chuckled, remembering what Edward had told me about last year's event. Much to Alice's dismay I had decided not to attend the party. I had just reached the second trimester of my pregnancy and, though the morning sickness was slowly ebbing away, I was still very tired and not exactly looking great.

It turned out I had missed quite the spectacle. Edward, who had taken Alice as his 'date' told me about how Victoria, newly single after breaking up with Caius House, had strolled into the venue on the arm of some plastic surgeon only to be found an hour or so later getting up close and personal with another man's genitals. Unfortunately for Victoria the man in question was one of the main benefactors of the hospital and the person who found them was his wife. The messy and very expensive divorce that had ensued had lost the hospital a steady donation of millions a year and Victoria much of her social standing.

"Bella?" Alice waved her hand in front of my face, her amused expression drawing me out of my thoughts. "Did you hear anything I just told you?"

"Sorry," I apologized. "I was thinking about last year's party."

"Which is all the more reason why you should come this year. Who knows there might be a repeat performance?"

"God! I hope not!" I chuckled. "So what did you have in mind?"

"Just wait and see," the pixie grinned, leaning backward with a content shimmer in her eyes. "We're having a dress party for you and Kate next Wednesday at your place."

"Is that so?" I mused, doubting whether I should be amused or annoyed that apparently the little fashion fairy was in charge of my schedule these days. "What if I'm not home that day?"

"You will be," Alice grinned, patting my hands.

I sighed, knowing the damn little demon was probably right too.

"Oh fuck! Look at the time!" Alice gasped as her eyes shot to the clock hanging above the fireplace. "I've got to run. I've got a fitting in half an hour." She blew out of the restaurant like a whirlwind, paying the bill, visiting the restroom and saying goodbye to everyone and everything with a lightning speed before running out of the place like her ass was on fire, leaving all of us behind in a cloud of Coco Mademoiselle.

A few more hours of crunching down the writings of nineteenth century novelists found me on the familiar congested roads back home listening to a message from Rose.

"_Hi Bella, I know you're not answering your phone right now because you're probably reading some boring book by some ugly Victorian nerdette but I just wanted you to know that I'm keeping both of your kids hostage for the night so you can get down and nasty with your green-eyed sex God. You can call me after seven to thank me. Bye." _

I chuckled as I shook my head at the phone. Actually the plan wasn't that bad. Edward and I could do with a little alone time. Since he had gone back to working full shifts we had had precious little of that and as much as I loved my kids and couldn't live without them…I sometimes missed having my man for myself.

A look at the dashboard clock told me I had another three hours, just enough time to make a quick stop at the Spanish Deli I had found a couple of weeks ago and execute the plan that was forming in my mind.

**xXx**

"Bella!" Edwards voice sounded from the hallway, followed by the front door slamming shut.

"I'm in the kitchen!" I yelled back.

Even after all the months we had spend together since we had found each other again my body still responded to his presence. My pulse started racing and my heart beat a little bit faster when it knew he was near, but that wasn't all of it. It was a knowing and a longing, something that had settled in my bones.

"Hmmm, you smell nice," he crooned as I felt his arms wrap around my waist, his lips kissing the skin left bare by the navy blue cardigan I was wearing. "You look nice too." He sounded a little confused as he took a tiny step back, appraising me. "Are we going out tonight?"

I leaned back, craning my neck to kiss him properly before turning my attention back to my work. "Nope," I chuckled, knowing that the grey slacks, olive green cami and cardigan combo wasn't something I regularly wore at home.

"Who are you and what have you done to my wife?" Edward joked, his hands finding purpose on my hips.

"You don't like it?" I pouted, trying to concentrate on arranging the tapas I had bought on a plate while adding some cut up vegetables and olives. "I can always change into my normal attire…"

"NO!" he interrupted me, his hands restraining me just in case I had the inclination to go upstairs and change. "You know how much I love that color on your skin…I'm just wondering why you went through all this trouble." One of his hands sneaked around my body to steal an olive from the plate before I could swat it away. "Especially considering the late hour…."

"Rose and Emmett harassed me into keeping the kids for a sleepover…." I started.

"Hmm, good idea," Edward purred, the vibrations of his voice shooting straight through my body as he trailed his nose along my shoulder.

"So I thought we could have a quiet night in front of the fireplace for a change," I went on, leaning my head against his strong chest. "You know…it's about time the damn thing saw some action."

"As long as we're talking about 'action'," Edward purred, his lithe fingers ghosting over my ribcage through my clothes. "You still have to finish what you started this morning…"

"If you let me finish up and get everything ready I just might," I quipped, grinding my ass into his already semi-aroused groin.

"Bella," he warned, the pressure of his hands increasing.

"You started it," I chuckled, swatting his hands away. "Now off you go."

"Yes ma'am," he sighed, my body protesting as it felt the loss of his warm presence behind me.

I got everything finished and plated up as soon as I could while the sounds of the fireplace lighting up drifted in from the living room, soft music following soon afterwards. When I walked into the room a couple of minutes later, carrying an overstuffed tray of food the living room had been transformed from family room into romantic getaway. The curtains had been shut and a million candles shattered across the room providing a soft glow along with the fire. The coffee table had been pushed back to give us some space and the cushions pulled out of the sofa's and covered with a plaid to make a comfortable seating area in front of the fire. The best thing of all, however, was the fact that my gorgeous husband was splayed out on top of them, his shirt untucked and his arms open as he watched me place the tray on the ground next to us.

"Care to join me?" he asked, his eyes shining with love.

"Well," I mused, trying to make my voice sound coy. "If you ask me so nicely..."

I squealed when, impatient, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down on the floor with him, his arms catching me before I hit the ground.

"To what do I owe the honor of this feast?" he spoke, trying to be a gallant knight but failing miserably when he tried to sneak a peek at my breasts.

"I decided to be a good wife and make sure that my husband was properly fed after a hard day at work," I replied, sneaking in another kiss before offering him a deep fried prawn. "I know you hardly ever get enough time to eat a proper dinner at the hospital."

"God, I love being married!" he groaned, his eyed rolling back a little as he chewed on his food.

"You'd better," I laughed as he held a calamari-ring in front of my lips.

The rest of dinner was spent in much the same way. Kissing, touching and sharing light stories about work or life before we met. The air was light and loving, though the gnawing sense of having kept a great and terrible secret from my husband still lingered. I knew I had done right in not telling him about my conversations with Irina and Rose, but that didn't make it any better. I felt horrible, knowing I was doing the same thing I had been so angry about when Edward had done it to me: lying. It was just that I couldn't risk having him launch into another episode of self-hate like he had done the night he had confessed about his past with Irina. Not for him but – of I was being completely honest – not for me either.

"…..and then she just walked up to the guy and told him that if he thought she was simple just because she liked fashion instead of Rachmaninov he'd better leave because our mom and dad didn't allow narrow-minded people into their front room," Edward chuckled, regaling stories about their childhood, his hand drawing circles on the skin of my stomach left bare.

"That sounds just like her," I laughed, brushing a few hairs out of his face. "Speaking about the pixie…she's planning a 'dress-party' here on Wednesday. Is that okay with you or do you have to work nights next week?"

"No that's fine," he said, a confused frown marring his face. "But why on earth would she be doing that?"

"Because of the Christmas ball, sweetie!" I laughed. "I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

The shift in his mood was sudden and complete. One minute he was joking around, carefree and completely relaxed, the next he looked as if someone had just set his body on fire.

"What is it Edward?" I asked, his anxiety jumping over to me. "Please…."

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

I realized I was scaring my wife with every minute I held my tongue but I couldn't bring myself to utter the words that would hurt her even more than I had already done. This night had been amazing from the moment I had walked into the door but it would all be over the moment I told her the truth.

I had been determined to tell her the moment I walked into the house, but then I had seen her and seen what she had prepared for us and I couldn't get the words to leave my lips. I couldn't ruin this, not when she had tried so hard to make this night a night of love and joy.

I guess that was out of the question now…

"Bella, I need to talk to you about something," I started, my throat constricting with panic as I tried to come up with the right words.

"About what?" she chuckled as she kept swiveling her hips to the sound of the music.

"Can you sit down for a moment?" I asked, sitting up straight. I couldn't tell her like this.

Coward.

"What is going on, Edward?" she asked, alarmed by the tone of my voice. She turned around, that crease in between her brows that only appeared when she worried about something – or someone- deepening as she studied my expression. "You're scaring me."

"There is nothing to be scared off, love," I tried to reassure her as she sat down on my lap, her arms drawing me into her comfort and warms as she wrapped them around my neck. "There's just been a…situation…at work. …something's come up and…"

"Edward, please don't try to sugarcoat," she admonished me, her brown eyes trying to pull the truth out of me. "Just tell me the truth."

"It turns out Irina wasn't in town because she saw my face on the tv…" I started.

"No, she was here for a job interview," Bella shrugged. "She told me so herself."

"Yeah," I nodded, before her words sank in. "Wait a minute…you spoke with her?"

"She happened upon me at the University cafeteria a couple of days ago," Bella shrugged, trying to make light of the situation though her blush told me otherwise. "Nothing happened. We didn't even talk for more than a few seconds. That's why I forgot to mention it….It wasn't a big deal…."

"Did she tell you why she was here?" I asked, knowing she wasn't going to elaborate on it no matter what I tried. I also knew my wife was lying to me when she told me her meeting wuith Irina 'wasn't a big deal'. It had been a bog enough deal to not mention it to me, not that I hadn't been guilty of that same vice though….

"Only that she was after some job," replied. "Why?"

"The job interview was with House," I whispered. "She's the new candidate they've brought in."

"What?" Bella's face turned ashen as my words sank in. "Are you telling me the two of you are going to work together?"

"No," I whispered, hanging my head in shame as I confessed up the truth. "I'm telling you that we've already been working together for the past couple of days."

"Oh, Edward" she breathed, the silence settling in confusing me even more than her short reply had. "Why didn't you tell me?" Her question didn't come out angry, like I expected, or even disappointed, like I feared, rather than hesitant.

"I was never home when you were awake…." I muttered. "I couldn't very well wake you up in the middle of the night or blurt it out during sex or at the breakfast table…But most of all…..I didn't want to hurt you." I tightened the grip of my hands on her thighs, drawing strength from her calm. "I was worried enough about you as it was. I didn't want to add even more drama to your life."

"You don't have to worry about me," she sighed, leaning the side of her head against my forehead. "I'm fine."

"Who are you trying to fool, Bella?" I couldn't help but let my frustration show as I grasped her head in between my hands, forcing her to look at me. "No," I interrupted as she tried to speak. "Hear me out. I worry. We all do. And we have every right to. You may not have seen it yourself but your transformation over the last couple of months has scared us all to death…has scared me to death. You can't go on like this, Bella. You can't keep wearing yourself out…"

"But I cannot give up either," she answered, angry, helpless tears streaming down her cheeks. "I can't fail." The determination shot out of her eyes as she looked at me, her chin sticking high up in the air. "I won't fail."

"Just know who you are doing this for," I warned, an awful suspicion that had been growing in my mind jumping to the forefront.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" she yelled, anger winning out on all other emotions.

"I don't want you to do this simply to prove to your mother that you can!" I spat back. "You're not a failure if you ask for more time. Allowing yourself to be happy won't make you any less of a scholar. In fact…it might even make you a better one." She tried to interrupt me again but I silenced her by gently placing a finger on her lips. "I want you to do this for you. Not for Renee. Not for me. Not for Libby or Masen or for anyone else. I want you to be happy and healthy and – if it's not too much to ask – I'd like you to smile more."

Her words when they came were a complete surprise to me. Instead of the anger or reproof that usually befell me when we were having this conversation there was only love.

"I love you, Edward," she whispered, so soft I wouldn't have heard had not my ear been aligned with her soft lips.

"And I love you too, my angel," I muttered in return. "That's why it breaks my heart to see you suffer."

"I know," she sighed. "But I'm not ready to give up yet."

"I know," I whispered, not having expected differently. "But will you promise me something?" I caressed her delicate neck with my nose, breathing in her scent as my hands moved from her hips to her side, my thumbs stroking her skin through her clothes.

"Anything," she breathed, her breathing ragged with arousal.

"Don't close yourself off from me," I begged. "I cannot stand it when you're distant."

"I won't," she moaned as I took her earlobe in between my teeth and bit down gently. "As long as you promise me something in return." Her hands started wandering, one moving up my chest underneath my shirt while the other started to stroke my awakening member through the fabric of my jeans."

"Whatever my lady desires," I groaned, moving into her touch.

"Don't let her get too close."

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_**So, everything is out in the open. Well, sort of. I know the revelation of Bella's secret might have been a bit of an anticlimax but given the argument they were in, it was something that could be overlooked for the moment I think. After all, Bella never told him the whole truth, just the edited version.**_

_**The next chapter will be the built up for the ball and the ball itself. I will post pictures of the dresses mentioned in that chapter on the twilighted boards when the chapter goes up. I've already done the same for Bella's dress in the previous chapter. You can find a link to the thread on my profile.**_

_**For now….please review. It makes me happy when things are still completely crazy around me. Thank heavens the movers are coming tomorrow. I'm so ready to be done with this move.**_


	19. The truth about Cinderella

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**I'm sorry that it took so long for me to update. RL and the move happened which allowed me very little time to write. I hope to go back to my regular updating schedule (Monday every week) now that everything has fallen back into place. I'm also sorry for sending out horrible standardized review replies for last chapter. It had everything to do with time-constraints and a temporary (and horribly expensive) internet connection.**_

_**Pictures of the dresses mentioned in this chapter have been posted on the twilighted thread for this story. You can find a link to it on my profile page (they have been posted on page 18 I think).**_

_**Also: This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

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**The truth about Cinderella**

_**December 2009**_

"I think Jasper and I are breaking up," Alice sighed, flopping down on the sofa next to Rose and I after she had wheeled a rack carrying an unholy amount of dresses into my living room.

"Is this still about the wedding thing?" Rose asked incredulously.

"Yes, it's still about 'the wedding thing'," Alice hissed, clearly not liking the way Rose made light of her situation.

"Oh honey, please!" Rose hollered, rolling her eyes. "I still don't see what all the fuss is about. If you only knew how long it took for me to get Emmett so far as to stay in the same room as me when someone uttered the word 'marriage'."

"How long?" Alice asked, her desperation shining through not just in her voice but also in her eyes.

"Uhm…let me see," Rose pondered. "I met Emmett just after Libby was born and when we married five years later so I'd say….roughly four and a half years?"

"That long?" Alice gasped.

"Honey, that's nothing," Kate chimed in. "Garrett and I go back as far as college."

"Huh?" I interrupted. "I always thought the two of you only got together when you both matched at CUMC?"

"That's the story we tell our friends," Kate chuckled, a faint blush pinking her cheeks. "Fact of the matter is that we used to have this casual thing back at Princeton, Garrett just didn't want to acknowledge it was anything more than 'friends with benefits'."

"So what made him change?" Rose snickered, craning one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows.

"You know….I still have no idea, even after all these years," she mused. "When I transferred to Columbia in my third year things ended between us. My parents decided that since both of their kids were old enough to vote and get hammered on their own they could bugger off to their second home on the Bahamas. Tanya was living in New York and she wasn't doing so well living on her own. Since I was pretty fucking tired of running after Garrett and living so far away from New York. I don't know what I would have done if Garrett had asked me to stay but…well, he didn't. So I got on a plane flying out to New York one day thinking things were pretty much over….."

"But then he matched at Columbia…" I thought out loud.

"Yeah," Kate smiled. "Imagine my surprise when I saw the cocky motherfucker show up at the introduction party. I was half afraid my eyes were going to pop out of my skull and start doing the 'hammer-dance'. he had kind of a hard time denying he didn't want me for more than my body and my mad skills after that."

"How….romantic?" Rose snorted.

"Yeah well, I don't do romance," Kate shrugged. "Give me a good fuck over flowers and candy any time."

"A woman after my own heart," Rose chuckled.

"But that still doesn't solve my problem," Alice complained, looking a bit peeved that Kate and Rose had hijacked the conversation.

"Men are stupid," Kate lectured. "The only thing they are good at is fix things around the house and give you orgasms, and even that's a little too much to ask sometimes. Anyway… They need eons more time than women to process the most simple thoughts. If a guy is worth it you'll wait patiently for him to come around, maybe give him a bit of tutoring every now and then if things get really hard. If you find yourself wondering why you bother…dump his ass. It's as simple as that."

"But I can't just throw away three years of my life because I'm not sure anymore!" Alice yelled exasperated.

"Then don't and give him time to catch up," Kate shrugged. "But for heavens sake, don't push him. He'll only get nervous and mess up even worse if you push him." She sighed deeply, a frown appearing in between her brows. "I sure as hell learned that one the hard way."

"I thought you pretty much coerced Garrett into proposing?" I mused out loud.

"Is that what he told Edward?" Kate grinned. "Aww! That's so cute!"

"You've lost me," I muttered confused.

"I may have left a couple of subtle hints here and there when I knew that he was ready," Kate explained, "but it's so typical of him to interpret that as me twisting his arm."

"What kind of hints are we talking about here?" Alice asked, looking like she was going to dig into her purse and get out her notebook to jot down a few notes.

"You could start with referring to a joint future every now and then…" Kate started. "You know…hinting at stuff you want to do together in a couple of years or where you see the two of you headed by then…Mind you, don't mention kids or he'll run faster than Usain Bolt."

"Leave clues…don't mention kids," Alice repeated, nodding her head. "Anything else?"

"When you have the feeling he's comfortable with that you could casually drop a hint about someone else's weddings. Stuff you like, stuff you don't like…" Rose added.

"So I'll pretty much be tangoing around the subject for months before I can even mention my own wedding?" Alice scowled, summarizing their suggestions.

"Yeah," Rose and Kate nodded in unison.

"Well that sucks," Alice huffed. "If I wanted to run around on eggshells all day I would have bought myself a Stetson and started out as a horse whisperer. At least then I'd get a good ride out of it as well."

"When you're trying to get a 'guy' guy to propose to you, you pretty much are a horse whisperer," Rose chuckled. "Or a 'guy-whisperer' to be exact. And what's that about the non-existent sex life?"

"Don't start," Alice pouted, looking at her nails. "We're hardly at home at the same time anymore and when we are we're either arguing or too tired to even bother."

"I'm sorry pixie," Rose sighed, wrapping her arm around Alice and pulling her into an impressive bear hug. She must have gotten Emmett to teach her his tricks somehow.

"Yeah, well, what can you do about it, apart from having your rabbit work overtime…" Alice grumbled. "Anyway…we're to here to cry over my failing love life...let's get down to business."

The climate in the room couldn't have shifted more dramatically than in the next couple of seconds. Everyone around me seemed to go from serious to chipper in 0.5 seconds with me being the only exception.

Alice scowled at me as she danced over to the rack, her usual lightheartedness still a little off because of the drama in her life, but still very much present none the less as she trailed her fingers along the collection of garment bags hanging from the iron bar.

"Okay Kate, let's start with you," Alice mused, all doubts and pain vanishing from her tiny frame the moment she went into full personal stylist swing. She pulled one of the garments bags from the rack and hung it over a hook attached to the side of the frame. "It's not what you would have normally selected – a little more bulky and a whole lot less black – but I think you could pull it off like no other could," she mused, slowly dragging the zipper down to reveal a bold red velvet dress.

"Wow," Rose breathed, her eyes glued to the gown that was slowly being revealed.

"Is that…." Kate started.

"Red velvet," Alice nodded, proud as a mother hen. "Would you like to try it on?"

"If you insist," Kate grinned, her eyes lighting up like a child's on Christmas morning as she snatched the hanger in her hands and almost flew up the stairs in her haste to try it out.

"Soooo," Alice mused, turning back to us. "When were you going to tell me about Edward's new colleague?"

"What?" I gasped, earning a prod to the side from Rose.

"Bella," Alice jokingly scolded. "Sweetheart…Surely you must know by now that you're one of the worst liars in the world? You couldn't fool Masen, let alone one as experienced in the fine art of deceit as I am."

"It's nothing," I shrugged. "I can handle it."

"If it's nothing then why did I have Kate yapping in my ear about 'The Wicked Witch of Eastern Europe' and all her past dealings with my darling brother on the way here?" she stated, her hands on her hips and her eyes tightened to slits as she glared at me.

"God Alice, I'm not a dog! I don't yap. Ever." Kate huffed from the door opening, the red dress adding a fierceness to her expression that made us all back up a little. "But I do like the nickname and I love the dress."

"It fits!" Alice squealed, hopping up and down like someone shoved a load of hot coals down her pants.

"I believe it does," Kate mused contentedly, twirling in slow motion to give us all a good look of the dress.

I had to admit that it did look amazing. The fabric hugged her figure in all the right places and flowed down from the waist all the way to the floorboards. The heaviness of the velvet made it look almost regal though the sexy cut took away any other similarities to the attire of Queen Elizabeth II. The dress in itself was pretty simple, but the toga-esque neckline kept it from being too understated. One shoulder was left bare with all the fabric flowing over the other shoulder and flowing over the back almost like an ombre fringed scarf before being tied around her other wrist.

It was a spectacular dress. And very Kate.

"Okay, that's one down," Alice grinned, looking awfully smug. "Now…Bella. Given these new developments you didn't see fit to tell me about I think you're going to agree with me that your dress needs to be pretty special as well. No?"

"Yes?" I squeaked, knowing that 'special' in the world of Alice Cullen usually meant high heels and a neckline that went down all the way to your pubic bone.

"That's what I thought," she grinned, the evil glint in her eye not escaping my notice. "Follow me."

Apparently she didn't trust me to walk up and down the stairs in a floor length dress (which might not be such a strange thought) because she lead me straight into the kitchen, hooking the garment bag behind one of the kitchen cabinet door handles.

"What the hell is this?" I growled, holding the frighteningly small amount of fabric in my hands.

"It's a dress, silly," Alice scolded.

"Say's who?"I grumbled.

"Says Roberto Cavalli," Alice huffed. "Now quit moping and start changing." She gave me a not so friendly smack on my ass and a stern look before she retreated back to the living room, leaving me behind with the dress/straight jacket.

The dress was as hard to get into as I feared. The moment I felt like it was at least covering my ass, my boobs were half exposed. In short I felt awkward, claustrophobic and damn right tacky in Alice's first pick.

"I'm not coming out in this!" I hissed, still trying to get my boobs to behave.

"You bet your pretty little ass you are!" Alice hollered back. "Now get a move on or I'm coming to get you."

If I thought standing upright in the dress was hard, I hadn't even considered walking. With the skirt being as narrow as it was I had to take tiny little steps and even then I felt like I was going to fall down with every move I made.

"Alice!" I groaned as I finally made my way into the living room, "I can't even move in this dress and I have a feeling my boobs are going to make a jump for freedom at any moment. How the hell am I supposed to dance in this…thing without falling flat on my face or my boobs falling out?"

"I know!" Alice giggled, her face almost turning blue with lack of oxygen from laughing at my expense as I hopped around the living room like a baby seal, trying to get comfortable. "Consider it payback for not telling me about the whore."

"You mean……" I meant to turn around and shoot her one of my most withering glare but I had forgotten that turning was damn near impossible when you can't move your legs so instead of standing proud I found myself landing flat on my ass on the Persian rug.

"Oh My God!" Rose gasped, laughing uncontrollably. "I knew I should have brought my camera. I could have made good money if I send this in to America's funniest home video's!"

"Shut up Rose!" I growled as Kate took pity on me and helped me up again, trying to conceal her own mirth.

"Emmett will be heartbroken to have missed this!" Rose went on as I hopped in the general direction of the door.

"Whatever," I huffed. "I'm getting out of this thing."

"Here," Alice appeared in the doorway, holding another garment bag a bright smile plastered on her face. "Take this. I promise you're going to like this one."

"I'd better," I warned her. "Or there will be one dead pixie floating in the Hudson by nightfall."

"Trust me," Alice grinned. Offering me her arm in support. "You'll love this one."

She was right.

The dress that was unveiled when I pulled the zipper on the garment bag down couldn't be more different from the previous one. It was classy and covering while still fashionable and I knew Edward was going to love the midnight blue color. He was always going on about how he loved dark blue against my skin.

"That looks a whole lot better," Rose snickered as she saw me appear. "I love the dress."

"So do I," Kate chimed in. "And those flowers work very well with the color."

"Hmm," Alice mused, looking on from a distance before searching my eyes. "But you still look uncomfortable."

"I love the dress," I started, "I really do, but I don't know if I can suck my stomach in like this all night." The one setback about the dress was the fact that it hid nothing and therefore painfully showed that I hadn't been able to shed the final few pounds of my pregnancy weight.

"I see what you mean," she nodded. "Let's keep the dress so that you can wear it on a later date….Luckily I have saved the best one for last." She rifled through the rack and pulled out another bag, grinning as she handed it over to me. "You can thank me by letting me pick out the shoes to go with it."

"I don't think I'm going to like the dress much, then," I joked, running out of the room before Alice could kick me.

I stripped out of the blue dress, chastising myself for not putting more effort into shedding my pregnancy weight, though I had a sneaking suspicion that with me being a nervous eater I might have actually gained some of those pounds after giving birth, as I eyed the new bag hanging from the kitchen cabinet.

Apparently this was the dress Alice assumed I wanted to be wearing on Saturday night. That meant it would have to be pretty damn amazing if it could beat the blue one which I had still not given up on. Maybe if I wore a corset, stopped eating altogether until the eve of the ball and didn't sit down all night…..

What the hell as I thinking? The nights spend working on my thesis must have started to screw with my brain because I had never thought I would even be thinking about such a thing, let alone seriously consider it.

I had always prided myself I not caring about fashion or making any sacrifices on the side of comfort. What the hell was going on with me that I even wanted to starve myself to look good for this ball?

The answer came very easily. _Irina and the desperate measures that desperate times called for._

"Let's see what's behind door number three first," I muttered to myself, opening the bag.

The contents made me gasp as I tentatively brushed my fingers along the silk chiffon almost afraid my stubbly nails would leave a hole in the delicate fabric.

My sister in law had outdone herself this time.

This dress was perfect.

It was more than that.

It was almost like Alice had foreseen that on the night of the ball I needed to stake my claim over my husband and had chosen the dress with just that in mind.

Looking at the sapphire green fabric that flowed around my body like a mossy forest floor right after a spring shower I knew that no one could doubt the fact that I belonged with Edward.

I couldn't have stakes my claim on him any clearer if I weed on him slap bang in the middle of the dance floor.

I might have been tired as hell and sometimes thinking why the hell I even bothered about…well, anything, but for the first time in I don't know how much time I felt something I hadn't been feeling for a long time.

Hope.

**xXx**

It was with that same feeling that I descended the stairs to the main room of the venture that held the CUMC annual Christmas Charity Ball later that week.

The hope was still there, though I knew it was only a very thin and very vulnerable layer floating on top of an ocean of negativity.

I wasn't completely dense. I knew that deep down inside I was far from alright and that what I had been doing lately wasn't exactly constructive to my mental and physical health but since it worked I had a hard time convincing myself to take a step back and admit that I had bitten off more than I could chew, like my whole family seemed to want.

I couldn't do that.

It had been Renee's visit that had made me decide to push though my tiredness and try to stick to my original plan. The wound that had been inflicted roughly seven years ago still felt fresh and I knew that – even though she'd never repeat the words out loud – my mother was still disappointed with the choices I had made. Her whole life had been dedicated to me making her dreams a reality and I knew she still felt like I had failed her and betrayed all the dreams we had nourished ever since I was a little girl.

Of course I knew that she loved me and the children and maybe even Edward to some extend…but then again there was always that disappointment in her eyes when she looked at me.

The promise of what would have been, nipped in the bud by an unplanned pregnancy….

It made me want to proof more than anything that I could make this work. That I could be a mother, a lover and a scholar.

So I worked my ass off, at day when I was at the office while my kids were out having a great time without me and – mostly – at night when Edward was working. With Masen sleeping through the night and both of my children being uncharacteristically good sleepers I had started using the hours I previously would have spend feeding and changing Masen on catching up on my reading. Since my body had gotten used to coping with minimal amounts of sleep I didn't even look that much worse for wear.

I knew it was wrong though….

Most of all I knew that if Edward found out about it he would be beside himself with worry. Knowing my husband he'd probably find a way to blame himself for it, even though the thought alone was stupid. That was why I'd prided myself in becoming a much better actress since the baby had been born and as rotten as I felt on the inside every time I snuck down the stairs at four AM to catch up on my reading and thinking in the silence of a sleeping house, I knew it was the lesser of two evils.

And it wasn't like I would have been sleeping anyway.

Edwards words still haunted my mind every time I closed my eyes. I had known for some time that he had been a different man in the years before we met but I had never realized just what that entailed. The reality of what he told me stung.

But that wasn't even the worst of it.

The worst part in all of this was that he had lied to me. True, I had been ignorant and – truth be told- very blissful in my ignorance, but he should have let me know the moment Irina contacted him. I knew Edward had never meant for me to be hurt by his deceit – in fact, I knew deep down inside that protecting me had been the driving thought behind it – but that did nothing to chase away the bitterness of the pain I felt.

The worst thing about it was that I was as guilty as he was. Over the last couple of weeks I had lied and hidden just as much as he did, and with the same intentions, making me sometimes wonder why I was even making such a big deal out of it.

But then I remembered…..

Irina was still here.

Every day her poisonous presence polluted the air of New York was another one I lived in fear. I didn't doubt Edward loyalty for me, nor his love, but it was her I didn't trust. At all. The thought alone that she was spending equal amounts of time with my husband – even more on some days – as I was made my stomach churn and the sweat of fear break out on my forehead.

She was planning something…she had to be. And I couldn't trust Edward to let me know if something happened at work….

But I couldn't think of that now.

Tonight was our night. Tonight I would try to fit in and show everyone – meaning Irina – that I belonged on Edwards side.

Casting my gloomy thoughts away I straightened my back, lifted my chin and forced a smile on my face as we entered the room, my hand resting on Edward's arm as I turned towards him and caught his reassuring – though a little nervous – smile.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear, his lips lingering on my neck for a little longer than necessary. "I can't wait to show you off."

"I'm not a price cow," I joked, weaving my fingers through his as he took my hand and lead me to the table already occupied by Kate and Garrett.

"Bella! Boy, do you clean up well!" Garrett whistled as soon as he spotted us.

"Thanks," I smiled as Edward held out my seat for me, his hands ghosting over the bare skin of my neck as I sat down. "You don't look half bad yourself either."

"No sighting of the enemy yet," Kate whispered, pretending to fix the straps on her frighteningly high heels in place.

"Good," I muttered back, hoping the bitch would have caught some disease which would force her to back out of tonight's festivities or got run over by a monster truck on her way here or something.

My hope was in vain.

My backside had hardly made contact with the chair as I heard a faint murmur, swelling to a buzz as all heads turned toward the entrance.

"Attention seeker," Kate huffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest as we both watched Irina smile as she soaked up the attention, House standing next to her grinning like the Cheshire cat.

I had to admit; the woman looked flawless as she strode in, her strapless black dress hugging her revoltingly perfect figure, a creamy while stole completing the look. The dress itself was kind of simple and would have been too plain for the occasion if it wasn't for the expensive looking jewelry that adorned her neck and ears which looked like it had once belonged to her famous ancestors.

But it wasn't just the sexy yet sophisticated dress or the crown jewels that made every head turn in her direction as soon as she walked into the room. It was her entire appearance and the way she held herself that turned every head.

She had class.

The kind of class you hardly ever saw nowadays. Where most people had to work very hard to make it looked like they belonged in a place like this, she walked around oozing confidence with a Grace Kelly-esque kind of grace.

It was a pity that beautiful exterior hid such an ugly person.

"Bella?" Edward's voice startled me out of my blatant ogling of my rival. "Did you hear what I just asked you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," I blushed, turning my attention to my handsome husband. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted to dance," he chuckled, not waiting for a reply (he must have known the answer he was likely going to get would be 'not really') as he grabbed my hands and started tugging me towards the dance floor.

I had gotten used to dancing with Edward over the years. With someone who was as strong a leader as he was it wasn't even half bad. I just had to take care to put my feet in the right place at the right time and mold my body to his, the last thing not really being a burdensome task.

"Did I tell you how amazing you look?" he purred in my ear, one arm wrapped tightly around my waist while the other was laced with mine and rested against his chest, right over his heart.

"You have," I chuckled. "But it won't do any harm to repeat it."

"You look simply ravishing, my angel wife," he crooned, stealthily kissing my cheek. "I can't wait to take you home tonight."

"You look pretty damn amazing yourself too," I sighed contently, leaning my head against his chest. "I don't think I could ever get used to the sight of you in a tux. It does all kinds of wonderful things to me."

"Just wait what I will do to you when the tux comes off," he whispered, his words igniting a fire deep within me.

I was almost disappointed when the song came to an end, an elderly lady immediately stealing my husband away the moment he let go of me. I chuckled as I watched him disappear in the crowd of couples on the dance floor still shocked at being almost manhandled by a little old lady.

I went over to the bar to get a drink before I rejoined Kate and Garrett. With so many people out on the dance floor the bar was a little less crowded than before. On my way back to our table I almost spilled my glass of red wine over my dress when I felt a hand on my arm.

"Bella!" the thick Russian accent of 'the enemy' squealed in surprise. "It is you!"

I looked back to see my worst fear come to life: Irina, standing behind me in all her former runway model glory. Up close and personal the diamonds definitely looked like they had once hung around the neck of the czarina, the precious stone almost setting her flawless pale kin alight.

She looked nauseatingly perfect. Even from up close.

"You look surprised to see me," I remarked. "Didn't you realize I would join my husband on occasions such as these?" The whore must have seen all her plans to get her paws on my man this evening fall through, judging by the disappointed look on her face.

"I didn't think this would be quite your…scene," she remarked, her eyes sweeping over my body. "You look nice though. I didn't know Macy's sold such nice dresses."

"It's an Ungaro actually," I snarled, silently thanking Alice for always droning on about designers.

"Just a little piece of advice for you," she spoke condescendingly, leaning in as she assumed an air of conspiracy. "You shouldn't leer at people like that, not even when you resent their very existence. People might come to think you don't enjoy being here."

I was half poised to get the hell away from the woman as I remembered Rose's words. I couldn't give up now and watch her triumph over me. Not now and certainly not here. I had to fight fire with fire.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Irina," I replied, trying to put as much false friendliness in my voice as I could possibly muster. "Why should I resent you being here? It's not as though I have anything to fear from you."

She seemed a little taken aback by the sharpness of my reply. She must have expected me to cower into some dark corner as soon as her shadow fell over me. I could see she was seething with rage over my unexpected strength but – as much as I wanted to – I couldn't gloat about that yet. Not when she was still within striking distance. "Well," she barked, her voice sounding probably a little less composed than she had intended. "If you think you have nothing to worry about then you probably wouldn't mind if I danced with your husband, would you?"

She placed one hand on her hip, a satisfied smile playing on her lips as she continued to tower over me.

Resisting the urge to lash out and punch that perfect nose of hers into some kind of horrible shape I straightened my shoulders, trying to reach up to at least her shoulders. "Not at all," I smiled, looking at Edward who had launched into some discussion with Garrett at our table. "That is…if you can get him to dance with you. I can't promise you that. I'm his wife, not his pimp."

I thought I heard her mutter something resembling 'trailer trash' as she marched past me over to our table. I followed hot on her heels, wanting to hear the conversation that was about to take place. Part of me hoped that he would turn her down and that the following row would show anyone what was hidden beneath that polished exterior. The more rational part of me knew that that probably wouldn't be happening though.

I was still out of earshot when Irina leaned over Edward's shoulder and whispered something in his ear, her chest vibrating with a seductive little chuckle as she registered his reply and the angered look on his face.

"Bella doesn't mind, don't you darling?" she purred, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the table as soon as I was within reach. "In face…she gave me her permission."

"Bella?" Edward looked at me in confusion as he tried to shake Irina's hand off his shoulder.

Once again I wanted to punch the bitch in the face and preferably do some damage in the process, but most of all I wanted to yell at her that it was definitely not okay to paw my husband like that and force me to act like I didn't care.

I didn't though.

"Of course I don't mind," I replied, my jaw starting to ache with all the fake smiling I had been doing all night. With a sudden stroke of genius I walked up to Edward and perched myself on the chair next to him, my body almost flush with his as I turned to him, making sure my voice was hushed but loud enough to be heard. "You can spare the Russian one dance, can't you my love?"

"I guess," he muttered, still completely befuddled as he looked at me to make sure I was okay with his. I shot him a reassuring smile before my eyes turned back to the bitch who was looking on with an expression like she had just swallowed a cockroach.

"I'll be waiting for you when you get back," I purred, placing my hand on his chest as I leaned in for a soft but tender kiss, silently conveying a message to the bitch: back off. Mine.

I had to admit that, all messages aside, it still stung when I saw them walk towards the dance floor and glide elegantly and effortlessly over the smooth hardwood floor to the sound of the music.

Why couldn't I be like that?

Like her….

I didn't have long to sink into the gloomy swamp of my thoughts before I was disturbed by a hand on my arm.

"She won't dare to pull any stunts on the dance floor," Kate reassured me, her worried eyes resting on my face. "but Garrett and I will head out there to hold her down if she does anyway."

"Thanks," I muttered, inwardly scolding myself for letting my true feelings show.

I must not have been that good an actress after all….

"Ah, if it isn't the famous Mrs. Cullen," a deep yet sarcastic voice behind me spoke almost the moment I found myself alone at the table. "My, my…don't you look pretty tonight."

I suppressed a sigh as I tried to come up with a way to shake off the infamous Caius House as soon as possible without appearing rude.

"Thank you," I started, trying to think of a witty comeback. "I didn't know my name carries any kind of fame among the hospital staff."

"You don't?" he shot back, his sardonic smile making me shiver uncomfortably. "With the way doctor Cullen always cuts corners trying to get back to you and your brood I swear your name comes up more often than those of most of my minions."

A sharp comment about how Edward sure as hell wasn't cutting corners died on my lips as he continued. "But then again…since your husband is so wrapped up in family life he might not have the dedication and drive that characterizes a heart surgeon. He might even enjoy family practice better…."

"I can assure you that my husband is both dedicated and driven, as you have undoubtedly experienced," I replied. "Both in his work and in his private life."

"Residents aren't supposed to have a private life," House snorted, holding his hand out for me. "May I have the honor?"

Every cell in my being wanted to reject his offer, spit in his hand and run for safety but I knew that if I did he would either take it out on Edward or just keep nagging until I gave in.

"Fine," I sighed, allowing him to help me up and lead me to the dance floor.

"Well, don't go to any trouble on my account," he pouted, pulling me into an awkward and much too close dancing hold. "After al…what kind of power do I have, really…."

I sighed deeply, trying to concentrate on my steps while coming up with a reply to keep the man happy. "It's an honor to dance with you, sir." I had to force the lies out of my mouth and I was afraid they sounded awfully insincere but apparently the doctor got what he wanted.

"Much better," he chuckled, wincing slightly as I stepped on his toes.

Doctor House was nowhere near as good a dancer as Edward which, much to my mortification, painfully exposed my lack of grace and experience in the process. We stumbled around awkwardly for what seemed hours the awkward silence almost getting painful at some point.

"Now that's a pair I love to see," House finally remarked, making me jump as he broke the silence.

I followed his gaze to Edward and Irina who were still gliding across the dance floor like it was the most natural thing to do. Apart from the expression on Edward's face when Irina leaned in close to whisper something in his ear they _did_ look like a perfect couple.

House was right.

"I knew taking her on board was one of the best decisions I had made in my life, but I couldn't have known it would have this great an effect on the team." His eyes sparked into mine with a sort of mirth that made my skin crawl. "She's dedicated and has the skills to rival most of the surgeons at this hospital. I swear…the first few days after she arrived the rest of the Junior Woodchucks were struggling to keep up. Both Denali and O'Shea have showed their best work since she has arrived but even combined it's nothing compared to Cullen…"

He still went on, either not requiring an answer or simply having forgotten he had an audience. "If only Cullen and the Russian two would get their heads out of their own asses and join forces…" he mused. "My God…if those two would ever breed I would even cast my aversion to those annoying little poop factories aside."

"You seem to be forgetting that Edward is already married," I hissed through gnashed teeth. Who the hell did he think he was? The fact that he was running the surgical department and would soon be deciding my husband's professional fate didn't give him the right to play cupid amongst his staff. Especially not when said staff was already spoken for.

"Yes," he drawled, his cold blue eyes settling on me. "That's unfortunate."

The shock of his words almost made me forget where I was. The moment his words sunk in, however, they stirred an overwhelming rage deep inside me. Anger directed at the man in front of me who dared to say to my face that he thought that Edward had made a terrible mistake in marrying me, but also anger at myself for thinking I could fit in with these people just by putting on a pretty dress and trying to act like them.

Anger soon turned into mortification as I thought about how everyone must be laughing behind my back at how foolish a figure I made. Try as I might to fit in and act like _them_, I would never look like anything else than a kid who had decked herself out in her mom's clothing and was trying to 'act' like a grownup.

Like something she wasn't.

"Please let me go," I pleaded. I needed to get the hell out of this room before I would either start screaming or crying, my blood pulsing through my body, drowning out House's no doubt sarcastic remark as he let go of me.

I wove my way through the dance floor, trying not to draw attention to myself as I made my way to the exit. It was only when I found myself in the quiet of a long and empty corridor that I quickened my pace almost to a jog, the exercise having a soothing effect on the war that raged on inside of me.

"Bella!" Edwards voice reverberated through the corridor as he spotted me. I halted my steps as I heard his footsteps coming closer, his face laced with worry as he reached me. "What's the matter."

"Nothing," I panted, still trying to catch my breath. "I just wanted to get some air."

"What did House say?" he demanded, worry giving way to anger as he put two and two together.

"Nothing," I repeated. "He was just up to his usual tricks, that's all. I had to get out of there before I did something that would land me in jail."

"If I get my hands on the motherfucking…"

"Edward!" I interrupted him, my hands enveloping his face. "Nothing happened. I just needed to step out of the room to clear my head. That's all." I somehow managed to plaster a smile on my face, holding out my arm for him to take. "Come on, let's get back inside before they miss us."

"Alright," he growled, the tone of his voice telling me that the last word had not been spoken on this matter.

He didn't leave my side again after we walked inside, always making sure I was comfortable and out of harms way.

What he didn't know was that the damage had already been done….

House's words had made it painfully clear to me what the people around here thought of us. They only had to take one look at me to come to the conclusion that Edward was trapped in a marriage to someone who was light-years beneath him and who would only serve to bring him down.

It made me feel almost like Cinderella must have felt at her ball, but where the fairytale would have us believe that at the ball Cinderella just danced the night away, lost in her prince's eyes, I knew how it must have been. Lime me, she must have felt the piercing stares of the people around her, the people who knew she didn't belong there.

It made me feel like I had felt throughout my teenage years.

Inadequate.

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_**Raise your hand if you want to kill House. At least we saw a feistier side of Bella this chapter (or at least she's trying, poor thing)**_

_**Bella's behavior is getting more and more erratic as she gets closer and closer to a complete burnout. It is something that we are going to see more off in the coming chapters. Take it from me when I tell you that rational thought is the first casualty along the way (been there, done that, seen it happen). **_

_**I want to make you a deal: **_

_**The next chapter is very short and it's a flashback which I know most of you won't be looking forward to. If you can make this story hit 1k in reviews before Friday I will post chapter 20 that day (or before Friday if y'all really make it worth it) and another update (the follow up to this one) on Monday. If not chapter 20 won't be posted until next Monday. **_

_**You know what to do……**_


	20. Old flaws & new friends

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. We did it! Foundations reached 1k! As a way of saying thank you, here's the promised bonus chapter, another flashback into the live of Bella Swan.**_

_**As always much love for my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for fixing this chapter and doing so at a very short notice. Love ya babe! **_

* * *

**Old flaws and new friends.**

_**Fall 2000**_

"Are we there yet?" My mother almost fell out of the window, trying to see how close we were to the college.

Her enthusiasm was infectious, though I wasn't certain my dad would agree with that. His face had had that same, desperately ill at ease, look on it that it had assumed ever since we had pulled out of our driveway days ago.

"No," he growled, his hand tightening around the wheel.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch," my mom huffed. "I was only asking a question!"

It had been like that ever since we had pulled out of the driveway.

After the first elation of being accepted into not one, but three Ivy League colleges had died down the reality of it all had sunk in, soon followed by panic. Whether I would choose for Dartmouth, Harvard or Yale I knew I was in over my head, and not just when it came to academic achievements. Playing in the Ivy League also meant that education wouldn't exactly come cheap so I knew I had to find some means of financing not only my tuition fees and the basic cost of living on a university campus but – first and foremost – the move to the east coast.

I had already resigned myself to stuffing whatever would fit into a suitcase, taking the red-eye flight one night and buy what didn't at the nearest Wal-Mart, when my mom's ever present creativity had once more saved the day.

In a stroke of genius – or was it? – she had decided she couldn't just send her daughter off to college without giving her a proper send off so she had harassed old Wiggins from down the street into lending us his camper van for the summer and organized a family road trip to New Haven.

How she had gotten my dad as far as to take a week off from work to drive us across the country to Connecticut I didn't know, but she must have had something good to bribe him with because I didn't think my dad had ever taken so much time off.

Ever.

Even Emmett had decided to tag along, claiming he would never pass up on a good road trip and needed some family time anyway after spending his whole year surrounded by strangers. That and he didn't want to miss out on watching my mom and dad confined in a small space for a week. We'd taken bets on how long it would take for one of them to kill the other……

So that's why, the week before college started, mom, dad, Emmett and I set off in _Priscilla Queen of the Dessert_ for an epic trek across the country, boldly going where no Swan had gone before; a top of the bill university.

I spend most of the ride lounging on one of the built in sofa's in the back of the van, catching up on my reading while Emmett and my dad took turns in driving and navigating and my mom annoyed the hell out of the both of them by constantly questioning the route they were taking or the resting places they'd selected.

It was just like home, only with less space to hide.

I only got injured once, during one of our stops, when Emmett tried to pass me a ball and I landed on my wrists when I tried to evade it. Fortunately it was nothing too bad, just a few scrapes and a bruised wrist but the look on my mom's face when she saw Emmett walking back to her with his arms around my shoulder and my face pale as a ghost was priceless.

I didn't think I'd seen my bear-like big brother that scared before.

I was glad he had decided to tag along, though. Not only could he deflate the tension between my mom and dad like no other and make sure I didn't grow roots in the back of the van, he also came in handy when we had to move my stuff into my dorm room….

I was stuck somewhere halfway between excitement and dread as we entered the town of New Haven, our destination. As much as I had been looking forward to this moment all my life, and now I was here, in a far bigger capacity than I'd imagined. Even though I was here now, part of me wanted to go home and stay with my mom and dad. In my mind I had made this place out to be some kind of sanctified institution where stately teachers wandered the hall transferring their knowledge onto eager students like they were in the Stoa in ancient Athens.

How naïve can you be?

I knew I was in for disappointments, and that life here was going to be much harder than I had ever wanted to imagine.

"Welcome to Yale! My name is Callie Richardson." I jumped as a pretty girl decked out from head to toe in Yale paraphernalia cornered me as soon as I stuck my nose out of the van after arriving. "If you'd be so kind as to give me your name I can tell you the name of the college you've been assigned to."

"Bella Swan?" I stammered, still trying to get adjusted to the bright lights and barrage of sounds that surrounded me.

Damn! I should have made a better first impression!

"Well, Bella," she mused, rifling through her palm pilot. "You've been assigned to Branford College."

Luckily Emmett and my dad had joined us by that time because if I would have had to remember the directions to the college she had started rattling off after that, it would not have ended well.

As soon as Emmett and my dad were satisfied they could find the building my dad started grilling the poor woman on campus security while my brother shamelessly ogled the girl's boobs before not so subtly asking for her number. My mom stood off to the side, looking awfully intimidated by the amount of brickwork and the promise of education surrounding her.

"What's all that about?" I hissed. "You're getting on a plane back to Arizona in five hours!"

"It never hurts to have a contingency plan in place for when I'm visiting my darling baby sister in her new natural habitat," he grinned, patting me on the back.

"I'm telling mom what kind of a manwhore her baby boy has become," I teased.

"Come on Bella!" he boomed. "You know she'll only be proud of me when you do! She'll pat me on the hand, give me the 'expand your horizons' speech and lecture me about safe sex and wish me good luck on my ventures."

"You're probably right," I grumbled, once again reminded that our mom wasn't like other moms. Unfortunately her standards were as double as they came…

Once my dad was done with the third degree and my brother had done enough ogling we set off in the direction Callie had pointed us, my dad and Emmett arguing over the directions and my mom still uncharacteristically quiet.

"Oh my," she spoke (the first words since we'd reached New Haven) as we pulled up in front of another old looking brick building which that would be my home for the foreseeable future. "Now this is something…."

"Are you okay mom?" I asked.

"More than," she sniffed, tears lingering in the corner of her eyes. "I just can't believe we did it!"

"I know," I muttered, nestling myself in her open arms. "We did it."

Being admitted to an Ivy League school wasn't only my own dream come true, it was also my mom's. I knew she had given up her dream of studying Philosophy when she got pregnant with Emmett and she had channeled that dream ever since. Over the years she had dedicated all her time and effort into getting me accepted into a good university, even in spite of the absence of money and the less than illustrious reputation of Forks High.

Even in spite of her quirkiness and the reservations she had towards what she called 'the establishment' she had made sure I was enrolled into every club that would look good on my application form and even arranged a meeting with some students who graduated from top universities. All for me. All for my future.

"How about we go and find you a room, Bells?" my dad offered, trying to stay as far away from our emotional outburst as he could. "That is…if you ladies are done blubbering."

"That sounds great, dad," I sniffed, wiping my tears away as I stepped out of the van.

After another brush in with the welcoming committee (and another phone number added to Emmett's collection) I finally found myself standing in the central living space of a four person dorm room, the well worn furniture and souvenirs previous occupants had left behind making it feel oddly homely.

"You'll be sharing your room with a A.W.," my mom announced as she read the nametags on the bedroom doors. "I can't wait to meet her. I hope she'll get you to step out of your shell a little more." She frowned when she looked back at me and I knew I was in for another lecture on spinsterhood.

As much as my mom wanted to see me succeed in college, she also wanted me to have some fun as long as it wouldn't have me end up pregnant, expelled or achieving so-so grades that was. I think deep down inside she knew the reason for my loneliness back home, but she didn't want to dwell on it. She had gotten it into her head that a change of scenery and society would give me to perfect opportunity to reach out to the world around me.

"Let's just get my stuff moved in," I grumbled, not wanting to go there yet again.

I was just coming back from Priscilla with an arm full of clothes when I heard noises coming from the room. Instead of walking in there and finding out the identity of my roommates, like any normal person would probably have done, I waited, unsure of how to act around the people here.

What would they expect of me?

How should I introduce myself?

What if I made a complete ass out of myself?

"Oh my God!" I heard a woman's voice screech as I neared the door to my room. I was half way between dropping the box I was holding and lending the distressed woman (because she was yelling like she got trapped under something heavy – Oh my God, Emmett?) some sort of assistance when she continued. "Evelyn, get in here! You have to see this! It looks like some hillbilly invasion!"

Apparently she wasn't in need of assistance after all.

"Will you be quite save here, lollipop?" I heard another voice answer. It was quite clear to me now that they were discussing my stuff. "You could always apply for a transfer. In fact…I'd be happy to kick that dreadful Callister girl out to make room for you. I bet she'd feel at home here."

Apparently girls at Yale were awfully similar to the girls at Forks High.

"No, I think I'm going to stick around, this might get interesting," the first girl replied, sounding like the Crocodile Hunter in hot pursuit of some unsuspecting reptile. "God knows daddy always says I should mix with the common people."

'Please God, don't let that be A.W.,' I prayed to myself, wondering if I should just cut my losses and leave while I still had the chance or boldly walk in there and resign myself to being treated like a bearded lady in a freak show.

I could almost hear Jake's voice in my ear as I remembered his words to me on the evening of prom: fight back.

Right.

No time like the present.

Taking a deep breath and throwing my shoulders back I stepped into the room where both of the girls were still going through my stuff with an odd sort of fascination. "Hi there, is there anything I can help you girls with?" I asked, trying to sounds friendly yet slightly annoyed instead of scared to death.

"Is this your stuff?" a girl with ash-blond hair and pale blue eyes asked. She looked like the kind of girl a mother would dote upon, that was…until they found out how ugly she was on the inside.

"Yes,

"Well, take it away," she screeched, looking at my most valued possessions as if they were covered in excrement. "I don't want people to think that we're turning our room into a campus branch of the Salvation Army."

I had a feeling college was going to be just like high school.

"It's always the same with those people," the other girl added, looking at me in disgust. "They only manage to get in because our parents think they should waste their good money on charity and scholarships and when they get here they think they own the place."

"I know," the first girl chimed in, waving at me as if I was exhibit one of said statement. "Instead of thanking us for the honor of paying her way through an education she's only going to fuck up and stay out of sight and out of mind she bombards us with her….things."

On second thought….college might actually turn out worse than high school.

Was it too late to change my mind about this whole college thing? Sure, my dad might not be too happy if he had to drag my stuff back to Washington but I was sure the people of UW would be able to find a spot for me and my near perfect grade point average…..

"Hi guys!" another girl waltzed into the room, sounding way too chipper in the hostile climate that lingered there.

"Jess," Bitch #1 greeted, be it reluctantly. The other girl just huffed and turned on her heels. Apparently her role in the 'bashing of the new girl' would be taken over by this Jess girl.

"Hi there!" Jess had spotted me and was making her way over with the determination of a rhinoceros in full speed. "You're new, aren't you? I'm Jess. Dear Lord! I've met soooooo many new people today. I don't know how on earth I'm going to remember all of their names. God, you have really pretty eyes! I bet that with a bit of mascara and some bright blue eyeshadow you'll make all the boys scream."

I heard Bitch #1 exude some sound of dissatisfaction as I tried to keep up with 'University Barbie on Speed'.

"Thanks?" I tried, remembering she said something about my eyes being pretty.

"Did you arrive here today?" she went on, not really seeming to bother about getting an answer to her questions. "I arrived yesterday and I don't think I saw you….but then again, I was only in here for like five minutes before the girls dragged me to some party down the hall. I think there's another party tonight….you should definitely come with me. I'll do your hair and make-up if you're worried about that….God I love college!" She flung herself into the lumpy sofa with an amount of drama I secretly admired.

The girl could definitely have a career in acting in soap operas if she wanted….

I noticed that somewhere during our 'conversation' Emmett and my mom had walked in with some more stuff of mine, Emmett looking at Jess with a sort of bemused curiosity while my mom looked as if she could cry with joy.

I could have sworn that if Jess was twenty years older and in possession of a penis it would have been a match made in freak heaven. Hell, my mom would have probably been happy to settle with her even without the penis if she wouldn't have been half her age and – by the looks of it – very much into boys!

"Oh you really should take my Bella with you to that party!" my mom squealed. "It sounds pretty cool and my baby girl doesn't go out nearly as much as I would like…"

"Don't worry Mrs.…."

"Swan," my mom added.

"Well then…don't worry Mrs. Swan," Jess grinned, hopping up from the sofa and wrapping her arm around my shoulder like we were besties already. "I'm going to make sure your daughter has as much fun as she can possibly have."

Great! Now my mom had an accomplice on campus. I half expected her to start exchanging phone numbers so that she could get regular updates on my life.

"I'll leave the two of you to get to know each other better while we go get the last of the boxes," my mom announced, smiling like someone had just told her she had won the lottery. "Come on Emmett."

My brother rolled his eyes at my horrified look and trudged on after my mom.

"He's huge," Jess breathed, her eyes nearly rolling out of their sockets as she watched my brother's retreating form. "Does he have a girlfriend?"

"Several, if you'd ask me," I smirked, breathing a sigh of relief when Jess's phone started ringing.

"I'd better take that," she frowned, looking at the little screen. "It was nice meeting you….."

"Bella," I clarified.

"I'll come pick you up when it's time to get ready for the party, Bella," she added, pulling me into a hug before I could do or say anything to prevent it and darting off in the direction of the J.S./ L.M.- room.

I decided to make the most out of the silence by checking out my room. After meeting two of my three roommates I had feeling I would be spending a lot of time in there…with the door firmly locked.

The room itself was actually kind of nice. It had two queen sized beds, two identical wardrobe's, two identical desks and a couple of shelves for books and stuff, that I could see would need some expanding if they would house all my books alone…..

A flash of movement in the doorway caught my eye and I looked up from my exploration of the desk drawers to see a small girl with light brown hair and matching eyes standing in the doorway.

"Hi there, are you I.S.?" the girl asked in a chirpy voice.

Oh dear lord, not another one…..

She didn't wait for a reply before she continued. "I'm Angela. Angela Webber…" She looked at me as if that name should ring a bell. "A.W.?"

Thank God!

"Yeah," I spoke, remembering my voice. "I'm Isabella Swan. Bella."

"Nice to meet you!" she chirped. "Don't mind Lauren, by the way. I noticed your little run in earlier but I had too much stuff in my hands to rush to your rescue so I send Jessica over to do the honors….Don't get me wrong…Lauren's a total bitch but she barks worse than she bites."

"I think I like you already," I smiled. The girl looked nice and normal , with only minimal amounts of makeup and clothes that seemed a whole lot more suitable for 'moving day' than anything I'd seen so far.

"Oh and Jessica is really pretty nice once you get her to shut up for a couple of minutes. Just remember to never feed her Red Bull or anything like that. The results could be disastrous……" She gave me a pointed look and flashed a grin before her attention was caught by some movement in the doorway.

"Have you met my boyfriend?" She motioned to the guy standing behind her, half buried underneath a pile of boxes. "His name is Ben. He's a total computer geek but I love him anyway…"

"Hi Bella!" a tight voice muttered from behind the boxes.

"Do you need help?" I inquired.

"I'm fine," the voice wheezed just as my brother appeared, holding about double the amount of weight Ben carried without even breaking a sweat.

"God, you're huge!" Angela gasped as soon as she saw my brother and I half expected her to reach out her hand and squeeze his muscles just to see if they were real.

"That just deepens on how you look at it, sweetheart," my brother chuckled. "To me you're just damn tiny."

"So what are you….a philosopher as well?" Angela grinned, relieving Ben of some of his boxes.

"Nah," Emmett shrugged, dumping my stuff unceremoniously on the bed. "Sitting on your ass all day, thinking about stuff no man has any business thinking about isn't my idea of having fun…" He must have realized that moment that maybe he was in the company of people who thought differently because he looked kind of lost for a moment, scratching his head, before adding "No offense."

"None taken," Angela chuckled. "I'm going to be a journalist."

"I'm going to get the next batch," Emmett said, ruffling my hair. "You okay to stay here on your own, squirt? Or do you need your big strong brother for back up?"

"I'll manage," I growled, slapping his hand away. "Go help dad, before he strokes out on us."

I tried to bring some order into the boxes filled with my stuff while keeping my mom from embarrassing the hell out of me as my dad and Emmett brought the last of my stuff into the dorm.

"Did you arrive here today?" I asked as Angela helped me pack my clothes into the wardrobe.

"Yesterday," she explained. "That's when I had my run in with 'the Bitch'. Apparently she seems to think that you have no business being here unless there's a building on campus named after you."

I sighed, remembering my own exchange with Lauren. "When I applied for a spot here I didn't realize it was going to be so….."

"Unfamiliar?" Angela added.

"Yeah, that's it," I nodded. "I'm used to being an outcast, so that doesn't really bother me. But if I would have known that everything about this place made me feel like I was a donkey running in the Kentucky Derby I don't know if I would have applied."

"I know the feeling," Angela said with a sigh. "But at least there's two of us. Let's agree right here and right now that we won't let the Snooty Squad get to us, no matter how hard they try."

I couldn't stop the smile from breaking out onto my face. Angela's good-natured determination must have been contagious. "Agreed," I nodded, grasping her outreached hand and shaking it.

"Three hurrah's for the charity cases!" she giggled as my dad, my mom and Emmett walked back into the room after parking Priscilla somewhere the local police wouldn't tow her away.

"For a place bearing the same name as the best locks in the country, security sure isn't its strong point!" my dad grumbled as he tested the locks.

"Cop?" Angela asked, watching my dad as he continued his security check.

"Yes," I sighed.

"Don't worry," she grinned. "I went through the same thing with the Reverend yesterday, only with him it wasn't so much protection against criminals but just the lewdness of the general campus population."

"The Reverend?" I asked.

"My dad," she shrugged. "He's a minister."

"Poor girl," Emmett boomed, folding his arms around Angela's slim shoulders, much to Ben's dissatisfaction. "That's even worse than having the chief of police for a father."

"I learned to live with it I guess," she chuckled, shrugging out of my brother's embrace and joining Ben on the sofa. "and it's not like I want to go to orgies anyway…"

"Your loss," Emmett chuckled.

"Well," my father started, pretending not to have heard anything Angela and Emmett had said as he joined us, "as much as I would like to have a conversation with the dean about proper security measurements, I think it's best if we got back on the road…."

I swallowed hard. Now that the moment was here I didn't want to say goodbye to my parents yet. It was stupid, really. I had been longing to get away from them and their arguing for God knows how long but now that the moment was here I just wanted my mommy and daddy to hold me and never let go.

"I guess…" I spoke, a little unsteady. "Thanks for moving my stuff in dad….."

"It's okay, baby girl," he reply, looking at his feet, "and remember what I told you about always keeping your pepper spray within arm's reach…"

"I know…"

"Take care, Bells," he nodded, enveloping me in an awkward hug before muttering something under his breath about getting 'Priscilla' started up and stalking out of the room.

"Baby!" My mom was hanging around my neck before I even noticed her. "You make sure you learn a lot of stuff and have a lot of fun….but not so much that your grades will suffer."

"Thanks mom," I wheezed, wishing she wouldn't hold on so tight. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you more," she sobbed.

"Oh puh-lease!" Emmett boomed, making gagging noises behind our backs. "It's not like you're sending her off to the guillotine, mom. She's only going to be on the other side of the country! You'll see her again this Christmas."

"Shut up Emmett!" I hissed as my mom nearly went into hysterics.

After my mom had calmed down again and I had survived another one of my brother's bone crushing bear hugs I walked them out, resisting the urge to beg them to please not leave me behind every step of the way.

My dad had already started the engine as the rest of us arrived in the parking spot. I knew he didn't want to leave me behind any more than my mom did, but he was just anxious about leaving the good people of Forks at the mercy of his deputy. For a man as married to his job as my dad this week must have been complete agony.

"So I guess this is it," my mom spoke with an unsteady voice as she climbed into Priscilla.

"Yeah," I muttered, looking at my pair of trudged down Chucks as I tried with all my might to be a big girl.

"Remember our dreams and make them come true," my mom urged me. "You only live once…make the most of it."

"I will," I whimpered.

"We are all proud of you, squirt," Emmett added. "You're gonna do great."

And with that and a honk of the horn they were suddenly out of sight and – for the foreseeable future – out of my life.

"Let's get you settled in," Angela offered, grabbing my hand and tugging me into the bedroom with her so that no one would see me cry.

I didn't want to cry.

Here I was, eighteen years old and putting a big step on the way to adulthood but instead of embracing my new found freedom and acting like my age, all I wanted to do was huddle up in my room and cry for my mommy…..

It was just that it all came crashing down on me. I had looked forward to leaving the hostility of Forks being and going to college for so long I guess I had kind of idolized the entire experience. That was why Laurens words had hit me much harder than they probably should have.

I had looked upon college as finally finding a place where I belonged. To be rejected and deemed not good enough like that…..it was all my fears turned into reality.

I hadn't ever felt so alone before….

The tears came the moment Angela had closed our bedroom door behind us. "I wish you would have been here yesterday, we could have done this together," she muttered as she wrapped her arms around me as we lay on my bed. "As much as Jessica would have loved to have done the honors, she kind of scares me…."

"You cried too?"

"Of course, silly!" she scolded me. "I think we all do, even Lauren….though with her it might just have been for the lost of the serving staff her parents no doubt employ. I really missed having someone there to comfort me though…" she continued. "Ben was pretty eager to do the honors, but I guess you kind of need a girl for this kind of stuff."

"Thanks," I sniffed, feeling a whole lot better now that Angela was by my side. Maybe I wouldn't be alone after all.

"Now….let's see what kind of mischief we can land ourselves into," she grinned, a glint of evil shimmering in her eyes.

I had a feeling that, for a minister's daughter, Angela was awfully…worldly.

I also had a feeling that, on second thought, college might not be so bad.

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_**I hope you understand, after reading this chapter, why I preferred to have it as a bonus chapter instead of as a regular update. It was originally intended to be part of chapter 17 but it felt wrong there. I thought about cutting this part altogether but that felt wrong too so I decided to go this route.**_

_**I hope to have the follow up to chapter 19 (Doubts & Fears) up on Monday. I'll be posting a teaser for that chapter on the twilighted forums later today. A link to the thread can be found on my profile.**_

_**For now…please review!**_


	21. Doubts & fears

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

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**Doubts and fears**

_**December 2009**_

"Mommy?"

I jumped, hearing Libby's voice drift into the room. I had been lost in thoughts about rural England in the nineteenth century which basically meant I had forgotten the world around me.

"Mommy?" Libby repeated, the sound of small feet descending way too fast down the wooden staircase following soon after.

Making sure Masen was still asleep in his basinet beside me I tiptoed out of the study to meet my daughter in the foyer. "What is it sweetie?" I asked, though the answer was pretty obvious when I looked at Libby's flushed and eager face.

"When is daddy coming back from the hospital?" she panted, her energy finding an outlet in a very Alicy 'trot-in-place'.

I groaned, looking at the clock. "Not for a few more hours sweetheart," I sighed, knowing I wasn't going to get any more work done. "It's only six AM. Daddy's shift doesn't end until eight."

"That sucks!" she pouted.

"Darcy Elizabeth Cullen!" I gasped, shocked at her sudden outburst. "Where do you get off thinking you can use that kind of language when you're speaking to me….Or at all!"

"Well, it does, doesn't it?" she argued, an angry frown appearing on her face.

"You're going upstairs right now," I ordered, making it clear in my voice that I wouldn't suffer any objections, "and you're not coming down again before 7.30 and only then if you apologize for your behavior."

"But…." Libby's whole frame was shaking with anger as she glared at me.

"I mean it, Libby," I stated. "Or you can stay behind with uncle Emmett and aunt Rose while daddy, Masen and I visit grandma and granddad."

"Fine," she huffed, rolling her eyes at me before dramatically turning on her heels and stomping up the stairs. She turned back towards me about halfway up, her face contorting into a smirk as she forced out the most insincere 'I'm sorry' I had ever heard in my life.

"And you might think about how you're going to improve on that one as well," I said, keeping my calm as she completed her journey up and slammed the door shut.

I sighed, hearing the sounds of a now very awake and, by the sound of it, disgruntled Masen.

He looked at me when I peeked into his basinet, his large brown eyes frowning up at me as one of his hands reached out to grab some of the loose strands of hair that had fallen out of my messy bun.

"What is it, my little angel?' I cooed, picking him up and kissing the tears that lingered in the corners of his eyes. "Did your big, bad sister wake you up?"

He grinned his toothless grin at me, no doubt amused by the smirk his yanking on my hair caused to appear on my face as he babbled some words not present in the English Language.

"You're feeling much better aren't you?" I smiled, settling him on my hip as I walked into the kitchen to prepare his bottle.

"Ma!" he squealed, though I couldn't be sure he was acknowledging my words or just happy to be fed.

Over the last couple of days the first of his teeth had started to appear which had made him not only moody and feverish but also very frustrated as he tried to convey his feelings to me in words no one but him could understand. Seeing my little man so angry at the world around him, though most of it was probably directed at the teeth that were cutting their way though his gums, made my heart break. I wished there was something I could do to take the pain away but I had already tried every trick in the book and nothing seemed to help.

At least he appeared to be doing better now.

Unfortunately some of Masen's moodiness had transferred onto Libby. Between the anticipation of the trip to Chicago that was coming up, all of the extra attention and excursions both her aunts and uncles and Edward and I had organized during winter break and the broken nights due to Masen's crying her princess behavior had started to grow out of hand.

A grumpy Masen also meant that I had gotten precious little sleep over the last couple of days, a lack that made itself all too clear when I was desperate to get some work done. Last night had been the first night this week that I'd gotten a good six hours of sleep in before I rose at four to get some work done before we would fly out to Chicago later this morning.

It made me feel like a human being again, or at least one who wasn't dead on her feet.

I'd never thought I would say it but I'd grown attached to my early morning 'work sessions'. The silence and peace of the sleeping house, an ocean of rest and silence in a city that never slept, always made me completely calm and at peace, which was no small achievement considering the turmoil my life was in. It gave me some time to both organize my thoughts and completely forget about them as I focused on my work.

"Let's see if we can get you to go back to sleep now, shall we?" I muttered as I placed Masen back into his cot after feeding and burping him, the first rays of sun tentatively peeking out over the horizon.

I settled back behind my desk as I listened to the content mutterings of my baby boy while trying to get back into the subject matter I had been dealing with today. I had another good hour of (hopefully) uninterrupted study time before Libby would be allowed to come downstairs and Edward would arrive back from his nightshift at the hospital.

Edward had been working almost around the clock for the last week, picking up extra shifts to make up for the four days he would be spending in Chicago with us. I had a feeling that he wasn't looking forward to our trip …at least not like the rest of us were.

I could understand why, though. Ever since Irina had arrived at the hospital every chance Kate, Garrett and Edward had of fighting a clean and fair fight for the fellowship had blown out of the window. Irina had made it pretty obviously to me that she was all about fighting dirty and – with her apparently phenomenal surgical skills – the others had had to step up their game if they wanted to stay in the race.

Taking four days off to visit your parents wasn't the thing Edward should be doing right now.

On top of it all there was Irina. The very knowledge that she was out there, hovering around my husband, with me being powerless to stop her was enough to make my stomach churn. The fact that she was making me as jumpy as an elephant in a minefield only made matters worse. She hadn't bothered me again personally since the Christmas party though somehow she managed to pop up at just about every place I went these days. She never spoke to me though, she was just there and since she always picked public places I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

If only I could find of a way to make her disappear that wouldn't have me end up in jail…..

Not everything that had happened over the last couple of days had been bad though. In spite of the strain my love life was under because of Irina I was still feeling better every day which resulted in a lot of work on my thesis getting done. With a lot of reading getting done in the quiet hours of the early morning I was finally getting some idea of where I wanted to take this.

The hours at the office had also given me the opportunity to get all my grading done. Over all the results were as could be expected. The eager students who had been present at every class and had bombarded me with questions and sometimes surprising insights had flown through their final assignments, those who hardly bothered to turn up had fallen short of the mark.

Grading Jane's essay had been a precarious undertaking especially when, a few paragraphs into her analysis of George Eliot's _Romola_ it became clear to me that she would never pass the class. In the end, though, even Stefan agreed with me that the work could not be graded any higher than an F and I had to admit – though it still felt slightly wrong – that it had brought me a lot of satisfaction to scribble the bright red letter on the top of her work.

I was only human after all….

I got another good half hour of work in before Masen started demanding my attention, his babbles getting louder and louder every minute.

"What is it, baby?" I chuckled, closing my laptop before picking him up. "Are you getting bored?"

"Maaa!" he squealed, crushing his cherub-like little body against my chest as his fingers grasped my shoulders with a surprising strength.

"How about we go see what your big sister has gotten up to?" I suggested, making a mental list of the things I had to do before Edward got home.

Libby was already waiting for us when we got upstairs, her big green eyes downcast in remorse. "I'm sorry for using bad words, mommy," she muttered.

"I hope you've learned your lesson," I warned. "I know you're very excited about visiting grandma and granddad, but that doesn't give you the right to go charging around the house like some sort of dictator."

"I know," she muttered, still pouting as she looked up at me. "Can I help you pack your suitcase? I've already laid all my things out on the bed."

"Good girl," I chuckled. While Libby would prefer it if I let her pack her own suitcase, I always wanted to check to make sure she had everything she needed. After all, she was only seven years old and even though she knew more about clothes than I did, she was less knowledgeable when it came to packing sensible clothes.

"You'll need a thick sweater," I suggested, looking at the neat stacks that were laid out on her perfectly made bed.

"But they are ugly! They make me look like a snowman!" Libby pouted.

"You've been spending way too much time with aunt Alice," I sighed. "What do you think you're going to wear when daddy asks you to help _built_ a snowman? I know the two of you have made quite a tradition out of that…."

"My coat?" she suggested.

"You'll freeze to death in just your coat and the things you have on now," I retorted. "And I think you'll look much uglier with a red, runny nose than with that nice pink woolen vest your aunt bought for you."

"You're right," she sighed, skipping over to her wardrobe and pulling out the pink vest and a vibrant green pullover. "Better?"

"Perfect," I smiled, shifting Masen to my other hip, "don't you think so Masen?"

Libby and I both started giggling when he replied with a heartfelt "Boo!"

Half an hour later we were all done and almost ready to go. I had packed most of Edward, Masen and my own luggage yesterday so the only things I had to add now were my toothbrush and shower things.

"How much longer until daddy gets here?" Libby asked as we zipped up the last of Masen's bags. Traveling with a baby seemed more like preparing for a military campaign and I had a feeling my little boy was going to give Alice a run for her money in the luggage department.

"Not much longer now," I said, looking at the alarm lock on my nightstand. "How about we get us some breakfast while we wait?"

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"As good as new," I chuckled, dressing the newly stitched up laceration on a twelve year old.

"Will I have a scar?" the little guy asked, the spark in his eyes telling me his would be slightly disappointed if I said no.

"Jeremy!" His mother scolded, shooting me an apologetic smile.

"It's okay,' I reassured the mother. If only she knew how many times I'd seen this kind of reaction before. "There will probably a small one," I nodded, turning my attention back to the kid. "But let's see how it will heal first."

I noticed Irina hovering near the curtain that separated my patient from the rest of the hospital as I explained the aftercare procedure to the child's mother while the boy was fidgeting with the bandages around his arm. He had ended up in the ER after a nasty fall during a sledding race with a couple of friends in Central Park, much to his mother's dismay.

"If you have any more questions don't hesitate to contact your GP or the hospital," I concluded my story.

"Thank you doctor," the mother replied, not so subtly poking her son in the side to get him to quit ogling Irina and thank me. I chuckled as I watched them leave, the boy's eyes nearly popping out of his skull as he walked past Irina and she winked at him while his mom brusquely moved on ahead.

I scribbled a few final notes on the chart and grabbed my pager from the tray while one of the ER nurses cleared out the room and readied it for the next patient. The whole ER ran like a well-oiled machine, designed to treat as many patients in as little time as possible. I would be in awe of it if I hadn't suffered its rigorous pace for the last twelve hours.

"You look really tired doctor Cullen. Why don't you go home?" she suggested, the saccharine almost dripping from her voice. "You've been here since forever and I'm sure your wife would appreciate the extra help."

How the hell did she know about our trip? Apart from Kate and Garrett I hadn't told anyone where I was going. Anyone apart from….

House.

"Why don't _you_ go home?' I spat back. "You've been here as long as I have."

"I'm only making a suggestion," she pouted. "But apparently I'm not allowed to give you a friendly piece of advice."

It had been like this ever since she had started working at this hospital. If you didn't know better you'd think that she was nothing short of an angel, which – unfortunately – was what half the population of this hospital appeared to be thinking.

I, of course, knew her for the kind of person she really was.

Heartless, calculative, poisonous…..like me.

Her whole behavior was a means to an end. She knew that by coming here she would be in an enormous underdog position and she had tried to milk that fact for everything it was worth. She had somehow convinced some of the doctors that since she was 'behind' in the program she deserved to be picked first whenever a difficult procedure came up, though there was no doubt in my mind that she had done as much work as we had – and maybe even more – in LA.

Which made me wonder……

"Did you run into James while you were in LA?" I asked as we waited in front of the elevators.

"What?" she seemed a bit startled by my question, trying to run like she usually did in situations such as these but failing since the elevator doors had just slid shut behind us.

"James Madison," I explained. "Did you ever run into him in LA? I heard he's quite a fixture in society."

"I've heard about that too," she smiled ruefully. "Not that we moved in the same circles. I don't hang out with guys like him anymore."

"And professionally?" I went on, intrigued by the cracks in the usually so smooth composure Irina showed at present. There was something Irina wasn't telling me. I could see it in her eyes…her whole face. She was a good liar, but not that good.

"He's a UCLA-man," she chuckled. "And from what I've heard the next hotshot in plastics. How should I have known him professionally?"

"Why don't you tell me?" I shrugged, never taking my eyes off her. She was lying. It was plain to see.

A flicker of something flashed through her eyes before it was repressed and the woman composed herself again, leaning in with a mocking smile on her lips. "I know what you're up to Cullen," she whispered. "You should really stop reading so many Dan Brown books. Paranoia is so not a good look for you." As if she had timed her comeback to the tee the doors opened, leaving her with the perfect way out and me with nothing but another shitload of frustration.

Maybe she was right. Maybe I should just go home. I'd been at the hospital long enough….

"What did Viperlady want this time?" Kate asked as she spotted me coming out of the elevator. "She looked revoltingly smug as she walked away."

"Just the usual," I sighed, running a hand though my hair.

"Quit with the amateur dramatics, boy wonder," she scoffed. "You don't have to spend Christmas with her, unlike yours truly."

"Don't tell me she weaseled her way into the Christmas shift as well!" I groaned.

"I'll just shut up then," Kate snorted, winking at me before disappearing into a patient's room.

Fuck! This was what I had been afraid off. With Kate and Garrett already signed up for the holiday shift I would now be the only one of the contenders for the fellowship who would not be working the next couple of days. Something House was bound to notice…

Christmas could not have come at a worse time this year.

I had been working my ass off all week to make up for the time I would be spending in Chicago but it was like whatever I did was never good enough. With the home stretch coming into view House had once again upped the ante, trying to get us as freaked out and overworked as he could before the February 18 deadline.

The thing was…he was succeeding.

It was almost like Bella and I had switched. With her getting better and better every day I found myself growing more tired. I had had trouble getting back into the swing of things ever since I had started back after the accident and I had a feeling my years of getting used to irregular shifts were now catching up on me.

What I wouldn't give for a good twelve hours of sleep……

I sighed to myself, knowing that wasn't going to happen. Hell, I'd be ecstatic if I even got to finish today's newspaper somewhere before we landed at O'Hare.

"How is Masen doing, by the way?" Kate asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Honestly…I don't know," I admitted. One of the other downsides of having to work so much was that once again I was missing out on a chance to support my wife. "What kind of father doesn't know about his own kid's health?" I dragged a hand through my hair in frustration. "From what Bella told me yesterday, he was doing a bit better." I had checked in on my son when I got back briefly yesterday, but he had been asleep and with everything going on, waking him up seemed like the worst of ideas.

"Bella's a champ for getting through this without as much as a peep. I would have hit you over the head with a frying pan if you stuck me with a weepy kid. You'd better have bought her something good for Christmas," Kate playfully scolded, jabbing me in the shoulder before she turned serious again. "I've heard that acetaminophen might help against the pain…"

"I know," I nodded, thankful to be focusing on medicine and not the crushing guilt. "Bella's reluctant to pump our little guy full of medicine, though I think she has tried it a couple of days back when he was getting really agitated."

Bella's condition, though still much better than she had been before, still had me worried. I still didn't know what had happened the night of the Christmas Ball but for now it seemed like it hadn't done any lasting damage. At least…no more than my poor wife had already sustained over the last couple of weeks. With work not being so hectic for the time being she had finally settled into some sort of routine and the effects of that were showing clearly on her face and with Masen finally sleeping though the night and Jane temporarily off her back the smile had returned as well as those tiny lights that sparkled in her eyes.

It had also brought back that damn stubbornness that had so often driven me to the brink of insanity. I knew about the early morning study sessions, even though for now I allowed her to keep her little secret. In knew there was nothing I could do about it, even though the thought that she was risking her health and her sanity like that made me almost physically sick.

I couldn't forbid her to do it. Hell, I couldn't even talk to her about it. It was like ever since that night when Irina first appeared on our doorstep we had reached a silent agreement not to mention things that would upset the other. So far we had stuck to it, apart from the night I told her about Irina working at the hospital.

I knew that if I voiced my worries it would turn into a fierce discussion. Bella no doubt thought she was doing the right thing and with the evidence stacking up in her advantage it would be impossible to convince her otherwise. The only thing I could – and would – do about it was try to work as many day shifts as I possibly could. House and his biting remarks be damned, so that she would be forced to stay in bed with me in the mornings.

With Bella slowly morphing back into her old self I had hoped that our physical closeness in time would return as well. However, in that I had been disappointed. She was still pulling away from me, even though she tried to hide it, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Worse still, I was the one who had caused her to pull away from me in the first place.

The shifts in her behavior towards me were still small and probably wouldn't be picked up by anyone but me. There were still the small touches and shared moments and the sex was still good and plentiful, but it was like her heart wasn't in it like it used to be. That sense of mutual possession that had made our lovemaking so incredible had gone and been replaced with something akin to routine.

Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was seeing things. Maybe it was inevitable that, with both our busy schedules, we lacked the energy to be passionate. Maybe it was just a normal shift in our relationship and had Irina been right about me getting a little paranoid. Still…the coincidence was too remarkable to go unnoticed.

"Go home, Edward," Kate chuckled. "You've been staring at that damn chart for God knows how long and your shift ended half a hour ago anyway."

"Shit!" I gasped, looking at the clock above the admittance desk. I was supposed to be in my car by now. Bella would personally dismember me if I caused us to miss the flight. She had been looking forward to the trip for God knows how long.

"Merry Christmas, Cullen," Kate grinned. "Say hello to everyone for me."

"Thanks," I smiled back, "make sure Garrett doesn't get into another fight with Santa this year."

"I will," she chuckled, no doubt remembering last year's 'incident' as well. The guy the hospital had hired to play Santa had turned out to be a first class creep who turned up drunk and tried to grope every female over the age of sixteen. When finally Garrett had had enough and tried to pull him away from a scared looking young girl 'Santa' had lunged at him and the both of them had ended up on the floor, crushing the bag of presents.

I tried to push all of my gloomy thoughts and even the crushing tiredness I felt out of my mind as I walked out of the hospital a couple of minutes later. I was trying to look forward to spending four days with my family without having to deal with everyday life. Who knew? Maybe spending four days with my wife would even manage to clear away all of the problems we had been facing over the last couple of weeks.

Maybe this getaway would be just what we needed.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

We were just finishing up breakfast when Edward finally arrived, half an hour late but that wasn't something I was too shocked about.

"Good morning love," he said, leaning in for a kiss before settling his attention on our son "How's Masen doing this morning?"

"He's doing great," I smiled. "He slept through most of the night and the fever has come down entirely. I think we're through the worst of it for now."

"I hope so," he sighed, brushing his thumb over my cheek. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you."

"You had to work," I shrugged, not wanting to spend the rest of the time we had before we needed to leave on another one of Edward's guilt trips. "How did it go last night?"

"It was a complete mad house," he groaned, dropping his body into the chair next to me.

"Poor baby," I cooed. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

Of course I knew the answer. The bruises under his eyes were as dark as mine had been a few weeks ago.

"Not as much as I'd like," he sighed. "I had to cover the pit last night and with Christmas coming up you can only imagine how busy the place gets…." He rubbed his face with his hands, no doubt trying to stay awake. "I swear if I ever have to see another person who electrocuted him or herself while hanging Christmas lights I'm going to commit a felony."

"At least you'll be able to take your mind off work for the next four days," I smiled, handing Masen over to him as I cleared the table.

"Speaking of which…" he replied while making faces at our son. "If we want to make it to the airport on time I'd better get in the shower. I don't want to greet my mom smelling of hospital."

"You don't seem to be having any trouble being around me with the hospital stink still hanging around you," I pouted, in a mock hurt tone.

"You're still as bad a liar as you were when we first met," he chuckled. "I'll take care of Masen while I'm up there."

"Thanks," I smiled. "I'll start loading up the car. Did Alice tell you when they were going to arrive at the airport?"

"About the same time as we are," he called back as he and Masen disappeared into the foyer. "So that means they'll probably arrive half an hour later."

"You go get your sexy ass in the shower and leave your sister to me," I chuckled, rinsing off the dishes before putting them in the dishwater.

**xXx**

Alice and Jasper were already waiting at the check-in area when we arrived, Jasper flanked by a huge pile of hot pink suitcases. He snorted when he saw Edward push an equally impressive amount of luggage out in front of him.

"I never thought I'd see the day…." he drawled, giving Edward a hand as he struggled to get the luggage cart to go in the same direction as the rest of us.

"Not a word…" Edward growled as we took our place in the line of people waiting to check in.

Somewhere during our drive over to the airport Edwards mood had shifted. His replies to my questions had become curt and I could see him slowly tensing up as he started to get more and more annoyed with his fellow road users. It must have had something to do with a phone call he'd received moments before we took off. I didn't need to ask him to know it was something work-related.

Always that damn hospital…..it was like it was eating him alive, and me along with it.

I cut him some slack for now. With the long hours he had been making over the last week he was bound to be exhausted but instead of getting a decent night's rest he had to hop on a flight to Chicago with his wife and two kids. I would be equally cranky if I were him right now. He was fighting so hard to realize his lifelong dream while trying to balance it with his private life. It seemed like an impossible task…

What also didn't help was that Libby in her enthusiasm had unleashed another game of 'twenty questions' on him and was basically hopping around him like a rabbit on speed asking about everything and anything that went on at the airport.

Alice took pity on us as soon as we had checked out bags and entered the departures zone. With the duty free shopping that could be done there and the never ending energy those two could muster when it came to all things shiny and new, I would have been amazed if we would see them again before our flight was called.

Edward, Jasper and I used the quiet time to get us some coffee and retire to the seating area near our gate, Jasper and I talking quietly with Masen perched on Jazz's lap while Edward almost hummed with pleasure at being able to get some quiet time with his newspaper. I smiled, looking at him completely entranced by current events, hoping this would get him in a better mood.

We were about ten minutes away from our boarding time when I spotted two small figures in almost matching white coats speeding towards us, one of them carrying an unholy amount of plastic bags.

"Daddy! Daddy! Look!" Libby squealed, running up to Edward and crushing his newspaper as she showed him the bracelet Alice had bought for her.

"What do you think you're doing?" Edward barked, looking up from his now crumpled paper to Libby who looked halfway between shocked and heartbroken. "Can't you see I'm trying to read the paper?"

"Let mommy see," I intervened, pulling Libby into my lap before she'd start to cry from the shock of seeing her dad angry at her. She shot another questioning look in her father's direction before she launched into an explanation about how Alice had found it to her and bought it as an early Christmas present.

"Why don't you go show uncle Jazz what Alice got you?" I suggested, wanting her out of the way for what I was going to say to my dear husband in a few seconds.

"Okay," she replied in a chipper tone, her eyes briefly flashing over to her still grumpy father before she skipped off again.

"Edward," I growled, fighting the urge to yank the newspaper out of his hands and slap him across the head with it.

"What?" he growled, still trying to brush the paper back into a readable shape. "Am I not allowed to have five minutes to myself every now and then?"

"I know you're tired and overworked, but that doesn't give you the right to take it out on our kids," I hissed, low enough so that I wouldn't be causing a scene.

"What time are they delivering our present for mom and dad today?" Edward asked, quickly changing the subject. I could see by the guilt in his eyes that he knew he was in the wrong. It was only then that I registered what he had been asking me.

Fuck.

The present.

Given Esme's love for her family and the way it was expressed throughout her home the choice for a picture to add to her vast collection had been easy. With Masen's arrival into our family we all knew it would be a matter of time before he would be gracing the walls of Esme and Carlisle's home.

In the end we had settled on something of a diptych, two separate pictures in matching frames. Edward had taken the first one a couple of days after we had brought Masen home from the hospital. I was lying asleep in bed with Masen sleeping on my chest and Libby snuggled into my side, all three of us looking completely relaxed. The second one was one of the pictures Libby had taken the day she found Edward asleep on the couch with Masen splayed out on top of him. It was one of the sweetest pictures I had ever seen and I had ordered an extra copy to be made for our home.

"You did call them?" Edward asked. "Please, tell me you called them!"

"I forgot," I muttered, my hands fumbling with the zipper of my jacket. Edward had asked me to call the art studio and have them ship the paining to Chicago for us seeing as were both too busy it pick it up. With everything going on with Masen over the last couple of days I had completely forgotten.

"Dammit, Bella!" he growled and I could feel his whole body tensing up beside me. "I ask you to do one damn thing….."

"If you would have bothered to show up at the house every now and then you might have noticed things aren't exactly sunshine and teddy bears at the moment!" I spat back, my rage taking over. "But then again….maybe you've been too busy running around keeping secrets from me to notice I've had my hands full taking care of our son!"

"ME? Keeping secrets?" he huffed, his eyes blazing with anger. "That's classic, especially coming from you. I know what you've been up to lately. You're too bad an actress to be keeping secrets from me."

"What of it?" I snorted. It wasn't like I had been doing something wrong…unlike him.

"I can't believe you've been sneaking around the house behind my back, ruining your own damn health in the process!" he continued, clenching and unclenching his fists.

I couldn't believe the words as they left his mouth. Where the hell did he get off accusing me of sneaking around when he had gone so far as to hide Irina's reappearance into his life from me? "I guess I learned from the best," I spat, making sure to keep my voice icy cold. "But then again…it's easier for me since I have less to hide."

"Don't go there Bella," he warned in a low voice. "I thought we'd put it behind us."

"Maybe you can step over all of this as easy as if you were stepping over a fucking puddle, but I'm sorry to say I can't." I snarled. "You lied to me. Twice. You can't expect me to forget that ever happened!"

"But I can expect you to not rub my face into it at every opportunity you get!" he growled back, the rest of his speech cut short by the sound of a voice blaring though the hall.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to American Airlines flight 2122. We are getting ready to start boarding our business class section in a minute. We request all first class passengers to report to the boarding desk with their passports and tickets." _

Being done with all of this, and most of all with my husband, for now I started to make my way back to the seating area only to be yanked back by his hand tightening around my arm.

"We're not done discussing this Bella," he growled.

"Funny," I spat back. "I always thought it took two people to have a conversation and believe me, I'm more than done having this conversation." Ignoring the pain that heralded the future appearance of a bruise I yanked my arm back and stormed off to where Alice, Jasper and the kids were waiting for us.

"Come on Libby," I growled, taking my daughters hand perhaps a little too roughly as I guided her and our carryon bags to the gate, "you're sitting next to me."

"Okay…" she muttered, her eyes flickering from me to Edward who was coming up behind me with a face like a thundercloud.

Her mood changed back to its usual bounciness as we walked through the jet bridge up to the plane and I had to up my tempo just to keep up with her as she skipped on ahead. She handed our tickets over to the flight attendant with a huge smile, which even widened as the man played along and helped her to our seats as if she were a princess.

"I love flying mommy!" she squealed, getting comfortable in the huge chair by the window as I slid into the seat next to her. "Look! I can see the wings! How tiny they are!" Unlike me, the flimsiness of the aluminum flaps that were supposed to keep us airborne didn't seem to scare her. "Where are daddy and Masen going to sit?"

"Right behind you, love," I heard Edward announce, his voice still bearing the traces of anger. I heard him take a deep breath to get himself back in check, his voice sounding much lighter as he continued. "Did you see how they are loading all of the luggage into the plane?"

"I did!" Libby yelled and I couldn't stop myself from smiling as I watched several people look on with amusement as she bounced up and down on her seat.

"You might want to calm down a little, angel," I chuckled, pulling her down again. "Some people want to work while we fly to Chicago…or sleep."

"Why would anyone want to sleep while we're flying?" Libby asked, a look of utter amazement on her face.

"I want the window seat!" Alice pouted, effectively cutting short my explanation, as I heard her push Edward out of the way. "You're just going to read boring old medical journals anyway."

"Fine," Edward huffed, sinking into the chair behind me as I watched Jasper walk by with a relieved smile on his face and fold his tall frame into an empty seat on the opposite side of the isle.

This was going to be a long flight.

Once Libby got bored studying the clouds from the other side of the sky and I had answered all her questions to the best of my ability she climbed over me and struck up a conversation with Jasper about the history of Christmas.

Jazz was halfway though explaining how Santa Claus actually originated from the Netherlands when I found myself dozing off to the sounds of the humming engines and the buzz of conversation around me.

I didn't know if I had been asleep or not when sometimes later I felt the seat beside me shift, a familiar scent drifting out towards me as a hand softly brushed my cheek.

"Hey," Edward muttered, his tired green eyes gazing into mine with a look of utter apology.

"Hey yourself," I whispered back, reveling in the feeling of his fingers against my skin.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, tentatively wrapping his and around me and pulling me as close as the airplane seats allowed. "I acted like a dick."

"I was no better myself," I replied, playing with the buttons on his shirt. "I'm sorry I forgot about the photograph."

"It's okay," he sighed. "Alice must have foreseen this because she called the gallery the day before yesterday. They should be delivering the damn thing later today."

"She really is a psychic," I chuckled, feeling a whole lot better now that we had made peace again.

"Bella?" I notice a little hesitation is his voice as he whispered my name.

"Yes, honey?" I looked up at him to see his eyes fixed on my lips, causing me to involuntarily suck my bottom lip in between my teeth.

"Can I kiss you know?"

"Of course you can, silly," I chuckled, the sweet dorkiness of my husband once again melting my heart.

We spend the rest of the flight wrapped up in our little bubble. Alice and Jasper didn't seem to mind supervising Masen and Libby for the time being, giving us some time to just be together and rest.

I knew, even now when my head was resting against his chest and the steady drum of his heart that this matter was far from over though.

Another thing that had happened during these early morning sessions was that I had started to ask myself questions about my life in general, but most of all about the situation I now found myself in. The Christmas Ball had been an eye opener in a way I had never imagined since it had brought me to question things I had never dared to asking myself before.

What did I really know about the man I had married?

Precious little, or so it seemed.

I had known to some extend about his less than discriminate attitude towards the female sex while he was in college. True, he had never really come out and told me about his manwhoring ways but I had been smart enough to read between the lines that first day we had spend together all those years ago.

But then again….that was part of the problem.

I could understand that telling your love interest about how you used to bed women just so that you could get your hands on a car wouldn't be the best idea for a first date. I mean….even I would probably have bolted if he had told me that and I considered myself pretty open-minded and forgiving.

The years we had spend together though were a completely different matter.

Did he really think so little of me that he expected me to run for the hills at the mere mention of his less than wholesome past? He had told me he had hidden the appearance of Irina and her employment at the hospital for me out of some false sense of protectiveness but I was starting to doubt even that.

Who had it been that he was protecting?

Me or himself?

Had we been moving too fast in our relationship?

Throughout our relationship we'd always been going from zero to sixty in less than a second. We jumped into bed after spending no more than a day together, had a baby before we even discussed having one, moved in together after our third date, got married after a year and expanded our family with a beautiful baby boy a year after that.

As much as I didn't want to change anything about that I realized now that we had completely missed that time in a relationship when it was just the two of us. That time when you'd deepen your bond by talking about your hopes, dreams, fears and – ironically enough – your past.

We'd always felt such a deep connection that it kind of made every decision a 'normal' couple would at least think about (or fight about, like Alice and Jasper were doing) seem like the most logical thing in the world. Our bond had always made me feel as if we were two pieces of a puzzle. Pieces that fit together perfectly.

But now….I wasn't so sure of that anymore.

I knew that if Edward would realize the dream he had been fighting for since he was a little boy there were going to be more functions like the ball. Many more. As important as it was for a heart surgeon to possess amazing skills and up to date knowledge about surgeries and new procedures, networking and being at the right place on the right time were at least equally important. Doctor House, though a great surgeon hadn't gotten where he was now because of his skills alone, because of the way he bullied his students into subordination or because of his black, black heart. He had gotten there because he had the gift of being perfectly amiable to the right kind of people.

Another message he had made perfectly clear to me…..

Would I be able to be the kind of wife Edward deserved if the time came? My mother had always imbibed in me a strong sense of self-achievement. For as long as I could understand the words – and maybe even before that – she had always told me that if you wanted something to happen, you had to fight long and hard for it and good things would come your way. The fact that I had gotten into an Ivy League school in spite of my unglamorous life and lack of means had always made me believe that she had been speaking the truth. Now, however, for the first time in my life, I found myself doubting her wisdom.

Could I really become the perfect doctor's wife Edward needed me to be just by trying really hard?

The thing that scared me most, though, was the question that followed, almost out of the blue.

Should I?


	22. Listen without prejudice

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their $respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**As always much love for my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for fixing this chapter.**_

_**Please read the author's not at the bottom.**_

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**Listen without prejudice.**

_**December 2009**_

Esme took one look at Edward and I before coming to a conclusion.

"You two are going upstairs to sleep right now," she ordered. "And don't bother coming down again before seven."

"But…," I tried, seeing Libby, Alice and Jasper looking up at Edward and me with a look of amused curiosity.

"End of discussion," Esme replied, her tone and demeanor reminding me of what she was like when Edward was recovering from the accident.

"I think you'd better listen to her, Bella," Carlisle suggested, trying to bite back his smile. "You know you're never going to win this."

"Mom..." Edward pouted, but I could see he was trying more for my sake than for his own.

"You know that pout doesn't work on me, Edward," she replied calmly. "Now take your wife upstairs and go to sleep."

"Okay," he sighed, taking my hand in his, the other still holding on to our suitcase.

"Carlisle and Jasper will take care of the rest of your luggage," Esme added before any of us could say otherwise.

"I'll see to it, darling," Carlisle chuckled, kissing his wife on the cheek before disappearing upstairs with a couple of bags.

I handed the baby over to Alice, avoiding Esme's glare as I fussed a little longer than necessary, before taking Edward's outstretched hand.

I must have been more tired than I thought I was, or maybe it had something to do with the relaxing atmosphere in the house, because I was asleep almost the minute I snuggled into that comfortable crook in Edward's shoulder, feeling more protected and safe than I had in weeks.

I must have slept for hours because when I woke up the sun had already set. My mind was still clouded over from having been in an almost comatose state for the last couple of hours but I could already feel the benefit of my nap.

Unwilling to fully open my eyes just yet, I felt around the bed for Edward, only to touch nothing but air and crumpled bed sheets.

"Edward?" my voice croaked.

Nothing.

I sighed, prying my eyes open for the second time and looking around the room, only to find more evidence of my husband's absence. His suitcase had been opened and looked like someone had rifled through it in search of fresh clothes. Looking further I could see his shoes were gone and that there was a damp towel lying on the floor of the adjacent bathroom.

Following Edward's example I decided to take a shower myself since the water would probably help expel the haziness that seemed to have settled into my brain.

I felt refreshed and ready to start our holiday when I reemerged from the shower. I picked a comfortable yet – mindful of Alice – stylish outfit consisting of some dark gray slacks and a dark blue v-neck sweater before heading downstairs.

I spotted Esme in the family room. She was perched up in a chair by the window, pointing out all kinds of birds and trees to Masen.

"Where is everyone?" I asked, sitting down in the chair across from her. The house was awfully quiet considering the amount of people inhabiting it at the moment.

"Edward woke up some time ago. He took Libby to go sledding up at Old Michael's Hill. He said he had some making up to do….." Her eyes quickly shot to me before settling back on Masen.

"He sure did…." I sighed. "He all but bit the poor girl's head off when she tried to show him her new bracelet while he was reading the paper."

"Ah," Esme nodded in understanding. "Never get between a Cullen man and his newspaper."

"I take it you've had some experience with this as well?" I smirked.

"Try living in a house with Edward, Alice and Carlisle for eighteen years," Esme giggled. "I felt like a UN peacekeeper half the time."

"I can imagine," I chuckled.

I used the silence that fell after that to take a good look around the room. Since we barely made it out here more than twice a year, and Esme was a keen interior designer, a lot had changed since the last time we visited. With Esme's job as an appraiser at Leslie Hindman giving her a poll position when it got to scouting new pieces of furniture and art, it wasn't so surprising.

"You look much better," she remarked, having moved to the patio doors with Masen sleeping in her arms.

"Thanks," I answered. "This place always does wonders for me."

It was true. I didn't know whether it was because of the peace and quiet of the countryside, or because I knew that being here would mean I would be taken care of, instead of looking after everyone else, but I did know that I always felt much calmer here.

"I think it's the trees," Esme mused, freeing one of her hands to point to the forest surrounding the home. "They make you feel safe and comforted, almost as if they are hugging you."

"That's an interesting metaphor," I smiled.

"I wish I could take the credit for it," Esme beamed back. "It actually one of Edward's. He must have been about seven or eight back then, Libby's age….He came home late one day from another foray into the woods. It was already dark and I was worried sick that he had gotten lost somewhere…" She looked off into the trees almost as if she expected the child-version of my husband to come dashing out of the glistening, snow-covered forest. "After I was done yelling at him I asked him if he hadn't been scared, wandering through the forest at night and he came up with that reply."

"I bet you weren't as impressed with it back then as you are now," I chuckled, knowing just how annoying it could be for a mother to be outsmarted by her own child. The worst thing was that you could never decide whether you wanted to be proud or annoyed.

"I should have counted my blessings!" Esme answered, shifting Masen in her arms. "Back in those days he was still too innocent to know that he'd outwitted me. There was no living with him after he found out…." Her brows furrowed as she continued. "The number of times I've wanted to wipe that lopsided grin of his off his face….."

"Unfortunately I know all about that too," I sighed. I hoped that was a trait Masen hadn't inherited from his father. He had passed enough of his cockiness onto Libby as it was.

"How are things between the two of you?" she asked, tentatively, almost as if she was afraid of how I was going to react. "Alice told me about your...discussion…at the airport and as a mother I can't help but be concerned."

"We're fine, Esme," I sighed. "We've been going through some things over the last couple of weeks and I guess that combined with work, the kids and the lack of sleep it's spiraled into something that looks far worse than it is."

I didn't know how much Esme knew about Edwards past and what happened with Irina but even if she did, I wasn't sure if I wanted to discus these things with her. As much as I loved her like a mother, she wasn't my mother, she was Edward's. I knew that if I spoke to her about my fears and doubts she would listen and worry with me only to tell me in the end that Edward loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. And as much as hearing that soothed my worries for a little while…I had heard it all before and far too often for it to be of any use to me now.

I needed lasting solutions, not quick fixes.

"You can talk to me, Bella," she said, putting Masen into a beautiful whicker bassinet that I spotted only now. "I'm Edward;s mother, I know that, but I'd like to think that we have something of a mother-daughter bond too." She sat down next to me on the sofa, grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently while she looked at me, the worry in her eyes piercing though me like a knife.

"We have," I nodded, a tear spilling from my eyes. "You're more of a mother to me that Renee has been lately. I hope you know that."

"I do, Bella darling," she sighed, pulling me into a close hug, her hands running up and down my back as the scent of perfume and mother surrounded me. "That's why I'm so worried."

"How did you and Carlisle do it?" I asked.

"It was hard," she admitted, "and there were times I felt just like you must be feeling right now, especially when I spend another night alone in this big house with two small children and nothing but _Dynasty_ to keep me distracted."

"_Dynasty_?" I chuckled. I had never pegged gentile and high society Esme for a follower of soap opera's.

"Don't look at me like that!" she scoffed, though I could see she was fighting back her amusement. "Yes, I watched _Dynasty_. It was a nice distraction for garden club meetings and dirty nappies and the fact that my husband found other people's insides much more interesting than his wife and kids."

"So I'm not the only one," I sighed.

"Of course not, Bella," Esme replied, squeezing my hand a little. "It's a surgeon's wife's duty to accept the fact that she'll always have to share her husband with the sick and the needy. Even if it makes her feel like setting the whole hospital on fire just to spend a nice quiet evening at home sometimes."

As startled as I was to hear the words coming out of her mouth I knew they were true. "I sometimes wish I would have stopped him from applying for the fellowship," I sighed, "Even though I know I've done the right thing. I miss him."

"You must be so tired sometimes," Esme spoke, brushing her hand though my hair. "I was lucky enough to marry Carlisle after he had completed his training and I never actually tried to combine parenting with work, but I do know a bit about what it is like to live with a very ambitious young doctor."

"Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before it becomes too much," I whispered. "It's not fair that everything we have ever dreamed about has landed on our path all at once."

"Isn't there a way around it?" Esme offered.

"If there is, I don't see it," I sighed. "Or at least….not unless I give up and quit my job."

"Bella,' Esme sighed tightening her hold on me.

"But then I ask myself why I should be the one to throw in the towel?" I asked. "Edward may have been offered the chance of his lifetime but this one is mine. I have dreamt of an academic career all my life, even when it seemed pointless to hope…I don't want to give it up just like that because of a few sleepless nights and some guilty feelings."

"No one is asking you to do that," Esme sighed.

"Are you sure about that?" I retorted. "It seems to me that everyone sees this as a problem _I'm_ facing and that _I_ should fix, because _I_ am the mother." I knew I was rambling at that point but I couldn't bring myself to care. It was like all the frustrations that had been bottled up for months had to come out right that moment or I was going to explode. "What about the father? Why does everyone just automatically assume that it's okay for me to give up my job or work shorter hours but no one is asking Edward that same question?"

"I know sweetheart, but…."

"It's making me sick with guilt on the one hand and fuming with rage on the other….." I continued. "I love my little guy…so, so much…" I looked at Masen's tiny features as he played with one of my fingers, "but sometimes I wonder if we didn't rush into having another baby……" I couldn't prevent a sob from wracking though my body as the words left my mouth. It felt like betrayal….like Masen was unwanted.

"You're not doing anything wrong, Bella," Esme spoke as she pulled me into her lap, cradling me in her arms as if I was the child in need of soothing. "You have every right to ask yourself these things. I think every mother does at some stage…It doesn't make you a bad mother."

"It feels like I'm betraying him when I say these things," I sobbed, feeling strangely lighter now that those words were out in the open as well, "like I'm making him feel unwanted even though that isn't true…I wanted him so badly….at that moment _and_ now….it's just that sometimes….I don't see how I can manage all of it….and I do….I want to manage all of it…..I want to be a mom and a professor….I have to be."

"Have you spoken to Edward about those things?" she asked, her hands rubbing soothing circles into my back.

I shook my head. "I love Edward…with all my heart and everything I am, but you can't really talk to him about things like these."

We had both been around the block too many a time to underestimate Edward's tendency to always take all the weight of the world upon his shoulders. I knew that if I spoke to him about my problems and fears he would immediately blame himself for all them and as much as he shared the blame in some of the troubles that had landed on my path, it would hurt me even more to see him do that. Pain not only felt for him, but also for me.

"I see what you mean," Esme sighed, "but I do know you should try. You can't face all these things on your own and Edward can't help you if he has no idea of what's going on. I know it's hard to open up, especially when you've gotten used to dealing with things like these on your own, but you _have_ to try if you want to make your marriage work."

"Please, Esme," I sighed, drying my tears. "he's going through enough as it is. He doesn't need the added blame of knowing his wife is about to loose it."

"Promise me you will speak to him if the opportunity arises," she pleaded. "Just try…"

"I will," I sighed, knowing the likelihood of 'the right time and the right place' for such a discussion was very small. "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to rant."

"That's what mother in laws are for, dear," Esme chuckled as I stood up and tried to brush my clothes back into pre-nervous breakdown shape. "Edward and Libby should be back any minute," she added, patting my hand as she stood up. "I'd better fix us some dinner. They are bound to be hungry."

"Need any help?"

"Just to drag Carlisle out of his study," she chuckled. "I did most of the work this morning before you arrived. All I need to do now is put everything in the oven and set the timer. I think I can manage that on my own."

"Okay," I chuckled. "I'll go see what I can do."

"Good luck Bella," Esme called after me as I went in search of my workaholic father-in-law. "You'll need it!"

I went back to our room after informing Carlisle that dinner would be ready in an hour. I thought he heard me but with my father in law you could never be sure. Once he was absorbed into medical texts you could fire a cannon next to his head and still he would keep on reading as if nothing had happened.

"Mommy!" Libby's voice boomed through the staircase, followed by the sound of someone stomping up the stairs.

"I'm in the bedroom baby," I called.

"You should have seen it! It was so cool!" Her eyes were wild as she ran into the bedroom, her hot pink socks leaving damp spots on the wooden floors. I prayed that the boots had been left by the door and not somewhere on the stairs.

"What was?" I chuckled, helping her out of her wet coat and gloves.

"Daddy took me sledding and there was this hill and at first I didn't want to go off the hill but daddy said it was okay and that he would hold on to me so we went and it was so awesome and then I wanted to go on my own but daddy wouldn't let me but…."

"Take a deep breath for mommy, honey," I interrupted while running a hot bath for my wet and cold daughter.

She took a dramatic deep breath before continuing. "So daddy said I couldn't go on my own because it was far too dangerous and he didn't want me to end up hurt but the I asked him and asked him and asked him and in the end he said fine but if I did get hurt I would be the one to tell you and you should have been there mommy…" She lifted her hands for me to drag the sloppy wet sweater over het head, her voice sounding muffled as she continued. "It was like I was flying. Not in a plane but really flying ad I want to go again tomorrow." She looked at me as she swatted my hands away and finished undressing. "Can I mommy? And will you go with me?"

"I'd love to, angel," I chuckled, "but what about all the cooking that needs to be done? I though you were going to help grandma and me this year?"

"Oh, right," she pouted.

"Maybe some other time?" I suggested, helping her into the tub. "I'm sure the hill will be around for years to come."

I made sure Libby was settled in the bathroom before walking back into the bedroom to find a completely soaked Edward trying to strip out of his clothes.

"Don't ask," he grumbled, struggling to free his legs from the clammy denim that had imprisoned them.

"Hey!" I held up my hands in surrender. "Do you hear me asking anything?"

"Libby thought I would be aptly punished if I let her pelt me with snowballs," he scowled, finally free of his pants as he reached for the towel I held out for him.

The sight of my Edward standing stark naked in the middle of the room drying his hair with a towel stirred a slow burning ache in between my legs and I had to hold on to the bedpost to keep myself from pouncing on his far too perfect body.

"I take it you're still pleased with what you see?" he grinned as he watched me follow a drop of water down from his neck over his perfectly chiseled chest and down the sexy V that led all the way to the Promised Land.

"A little too much," I nodded, fanning myself. "I warning you…unless you want to explain to Libby what mommy is doing on top of daddy you might want to keep your penis covered."

"It seems to me that out of the two of us, you're the one who's most affected by my nakedness, darling," he crooned, closing the gap between us.

"W-what?" I stammered, my eyes rolling slightly backwards as I felt every inch of him against me, only separated by the thin layers of clothing on my body. "Edward…." I clenched my hands into fists as he started tracing a butterfly kisses along my jaw.

"Daddy?"

Edward jumped away from me like a gazelle in full sprint, using the towel to cover his nakedness as his eyes drifted to the bathroom door which – thank heavens – was still closed. She must have heard our voices through the door.

"Yes, angel?" he called back, quickly sliding his legs into a pair of grey slacks.

"Can we go sledding in Central Park when we get back?" I could hear the water sloshing around as she moved in the tub.

"Of course!" Edward smiled. "As long as you promise me you aren't going to try to drown me in snow again."

"If you're nice to me I won't have to," Libby sang back and I could almost hear the cocky grin in her words, my amusement only distracting my from Edwards glorious and still barely covered form.

"I'd better get out of here before I do something stupid," I chuckled, walking in the direction of the door.

"Can you toss me my watch?" Edward asked, buttoning up a crisp white shirt. "It's in my briefcase by the door."

"Sure," I smiled, unclasping the handles on the case as I went in search of the Rolex his parents gave him for graduation.

It wasn't all I found.

"Edward," my voice must have betrayed the mixture of boiling anger and ice-cold fear I felt because Edwards head snapped in my direction. "What is this?" I reached into his briefcase and grabbed the elegantly carved babushka doll out of it.

"Bella…" He looked panicked for a moment as I balled my fist around the offending object. There was no point in asking who had given this to him.

"There had better be a damn good explanation for this,' I warned.

"She cornered me this morning and gave it to me," he shrugged. "I meant to toss it in the garbage on my way out but I guess I forgot. It doesn't mean anything."

"It means you've been spending time with Irina," I replied, "at least enough to allow her to give you a gift."

"We work together," he shrugged. "I can't yell at her all the time…at least not in front of our bosses."

"I don't expect you to yell at her," I spat back, my familiar headache starting to pound through my skull again, "but that doesn't mean you can just go around accepting presents from her!"

"What was I supposed to do Bella," he growled, dragging his hand through his hair. "Throw it back in her face?"

"That would have been a start," I snarled.

"House and Wilson were standing right in front of us," he called out. "Think about how it would have looked to them if I was rude to the new 'golden child' of the whole damn surgical department!"

"Think about how it looks to me to be finding secret presents from that whore in your briefcase!" I hissed, mindful of the little girl next door. Finding another outlet for my rage I threw the little wooden figurine at his head before turning on my heels and storming out of the room.

I'd had enough of this for now.

The living room seemed empty when I got back downstairs. I could hear the clinking of cookware a couple of rooms down the hall indicating Esme was still busy preparing dinner and Carlisle was probably still in the study. It was only on second glance that I spotted the pixielike presence of Alice, crawled up in one of the comfortable chairs by the window.

She looked as if she'd just come from outside, the snow still clinging to her spiky hair as she looked out over the darkening world outside.

"How was you walk?" I asked. "You were gone so long we were contemplating sending out a search party."

"Huh?" She seemed miles away as she started back at me, her normally so open and happy face looking very gloomy. "The walk was alright, I guess."

"Where's Jasper?" I asked.

"Jasper….," she sighed, not looking at me as she fidgeted with the sleeve of her blouse. "Jasper's left."

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen.**

"Edward." There wasn't a nicer way to wake up on Christmas morning than the sound of the woman you loved purring softly in your ear.

"Hmmm," I hummed, certain parts of my body more awake than the others as I felt Bella's hand slowly gliding down my chest. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Bella giggled seductively as her hand reached the edge of my boxer briefs. "I'm trying to be a good wife by giving my man a 'merry Christmas blowjob'."

"Fuck!" I hissed, the firmness of her hands around me, slowly stroking up and down my now painfully prominent erection and the shock of hearing the word blowjob coming out of my sweet, shy Bella's mouth almost making me blow my load. "Bella!" My eyes shot wide open as I tried to reign my body's reaction to the sexy vixen beside me in.

"Edward?" She glanced up at me through her lashes as she slowly kissed her way down my chest.

"You do know that Libby is going to come barging through that door any minute?" I gasped, every cell in my body protesting against that annoying little voice of reason creeping out.

"The lock on the door should keep her out for now," she hummed, her warm lips replacing her hands as they found their goal.

"Shit, Bella!" I gasped, my hand fisting into her hair and holding her in place as she licked a trail of liquid heat down my shaft before placing a kiss the head, her hands massaging my balls.

Fighting against my body's reaction I tried to keep my eyes open and watch, the sight of Bella's mouth enveloping me and moving up and down my cock, her eyes peeking up at me every now and then making me loose myself more and more every second.

"Fuck Bella….I'm gonna…." I gasped.

"Let go," she hummed around me, the vibrations of her words detonating my explosion.

She crawled back up my body as I came down from my high, a satisfied smile on her lips giving me the idea that I wasn't the only one who had derived pleasure from this, though I doubted if her satisfaction was anywhere as great as mine.

"To what did I owe this pleasure?" I panted, kissing the top of her head. "Not that I'm complaining by the way."

"I guess I woke up in a festive mood," she chuckled. "It is the season to be jolly after all."

"God I love Christmas!" I groaned leaning in to thank her properly.

Our kisses were just starting to get more heated when we were disrupted by a loud banging on the door, followed by Libby's voice letting us know in no uncertain terms that she was ready to start opening her presents.

"I guess we'd better let her in before she takes down the door," Bella groaned, my body protesting as her warmth left the protective embrace of my arms. "Masen will probably be up by now as well."

"I'd be amazed if Libby hasn't already taken care of him," I chuckled, knowing how much Libby liked to dress her baby brother. In a way she looked at him very much like a big and very responsive dress up doll though I had to admit she was at least as good at handling him as I was.

"You go get your sexy ass in the shower and join us downstairs when you're ready," Bella chuckled, placing one last quick kiss on my lips. "You smell like sex."

"And who's fault is that?" I complained, trying to keep any signs of smugness out of my voice as I dragged my body out of the bed in search of some sweats before hopping into the shower. "You were the one who pounced on me as soon as we got back here last night and you all but assaulted me this morning!"

I went down after a quick wash and some fresh clothes to find everyone already assembled around the Christmas tree, Libby and Alice bouncing with impatience in their chairs.

"Finally!" Alice chirped as she saw me entering the room, her hands already reaching for the first box under the tree.

"Mary Alice Cullen!" Esme scolded, swatting her hands away. "Stop acting like a five year old, sit down and wait for everyone to be seated until you even think about opening presents."

"Sorry mom," she pouted, plopping down on the sofa next to Bella.

I shook my head, reminded once again how childlike my pixie sister could be sometimes. It was especially when she had been spending a lot of time with Libby, who shared her exuberance and enthusiasm for life, that that behavior started acting up, though in this case I was afraid she might be overcompensating.

Alice had been uncharacteristically calm about all of the things that had happened over the last twenty-four hours, her sadness only showing when she explained us everything that happened from the moment Jasper and she left the house until Jasper had gotten into a cab to the airport, moments after they had ended their relationship.

In true Alice fashion she had decided not to let this 'minor setback' ruin her holiday. We weren't fooled though. Her poor heart had been scattered by the breakup, the way she was avoiding all grownups and preferred the company of my daughter instead only served the affirm that thought.

"Let's see what Santa left for us," my dad chuckled, the lights in his eyes indicating he was as excited to open his presents as Libby and Alice were, though he had learned to hide his excitement better.

"Santa doesn't exist, granddad," Libby chuckled, rolling her eyes as if the mere though my dad would assume that she gave any credit to stories about a chubby pensionado clad in red who flew across the sky in a carriage pulled by reindeer was insulting.

"It's okay," I said, amused by the baffled faces of both my parents. "She found out about a week ago."

"Weren't you upset?" Alice asked. "I cried for days when I found out."

"I was a bit,' Libby nodded. 'Especially because Danny told me and I didn't believe him at first but when mommy explained to me that Christmas would be the same even if Santa wasn't real and that it was all about how people show each other how much they love each other by giving them things they really, really want it was okay." She shrugged as if it was no big deal. "I think I like Christmas more like that than when I still thought it was Santa who bought the presents."

"You're such a clever girl," Esme praised while feeding Masen his bottle. The two of them had been virtually inseparable ever since we had entered the house. "And for that you can be the first one to open your presents. The moment the words had registered with her, Libby was under the tree, pulling out a big pink box with a white bow on top.

"Iloveit! Iloveit! Iloveit!" she squealed, the words almost flowing into one as she hopped around the room, resembling some kind of exotic bird with her arms flailing around her.

"I think she likes it!' Bella chuckled, as Libby pounced on her present once, more, pulling the hot pink learning laptop out of the box and cradling it to her chest.

"You'd better put that down, sweetheart, before you accidentally break it," I advised as I smiled at Carlisle and Esme who were beaming that Libby had liked their gift so much.

The final box held our present combined with the stuff Jasper and Alice had bought for her: riding lessons at the riding school in Central Park Amy had recommended and a full outfit for her to wear to her first lesson.

"She looks so cute in that outfit!" Alice squealed as Libby came downstairs again after changing into her brand new blue and emerald green riding clothes.

We went on opening presents for a while. Esme cried when she opened our present and immdeiatly started thinking of places to hang the two picture frames while Alice seemed very taken with all the clothes and accessories 'Santa' had bestowed upon her.

Bella received a beautiful antique mahogany writing desk to replace the worn down one she had saved from her old apartment as well as a lifetime supply of sexy underwear (for which I thanked my sister profusely). The writing desk was actually something of a family heirloom. I didn't know how long it had been in the family but I thought there was a picture of my great-granddad somewhere sitting at it. Esme must have seen Bella appreciate the elegant piece of furniture when we were here the last time.

"Open it, love," I smiled as Bella held up the small box containing my gift to her.

It was always hard to buy Bella a present because, even though she had gotten much better at it, she really disliked it when people spend a lot of money on her. The trick was to get her something she really wanted so she would simply be happy and forget how much it had cost.

"Oh!" Bella gasped as her hand reached out to the two tiny slips of paper in the box, her finger gliding reverently over the printed letters as if she was afraid they would vanish upon touch. "Are these...."

"Box seats for _Madame Butterfly_ at the Met," I chuckled. It had been quite a challenge to get the tickets but in the end the happiness of Bella's face as she looked up at me made all the money spend and phone calls made worth it.

I would do anything to see her happy.

"I take it you like your present?" I asked as she stared at me, completely dumbstruck.

"I love it!" she squealed, launching herself in my arms with an enthusiasm that overshadowed even Libby's. "And I love you!"

"Daddy!' Libby interrupted us, tapping her hand on my leg. "You haven't opened your present yet.

"Only one?" I asked, arching my brow as I looked at the one small box still standing underneath the Christmas tree.

"It's from all of us," Bella beamed as Libby handed it to me.

I slid the gold colored bow from the black box, looking up hesitantly at the eager faces surrounding me. I had no clue what was in the box but if the looks on my family's faces was anything to go by, it was special.

"You gave me a tiny replica of a piano?" I asked, holding up the delicate wood carved object.

"No silly!" Libby scolded.

"It will be delivered a week from now," Bella purred in my ear as I looked at the small object in my hand again.

Did that mean……..

"I get this….." I motioned at the miniature baby grand, "in true size?"

"For a doctor you're pretty slow on the intake," Alice snorted.

"Yes," Bella finally nodded, ignoring Alice's remark. "I know you've wanted one of these for ages."

"But a Steinway?" I put the small figurine on the table, noticing a neatly folded piece of paper on the bottom of the box, containing more information about the instrument in question; a vintage black baby grand from 1901.

"We know you'll be able to give the instrument the appreciating it deserves," Carlisle spoke. "You've earned it, son."

"I know how much you wanted a baby grand," Bella's soft voice spoke beside me. "And we have plenty of room for it in the study. I think it would be nice to hear you play while I'm working and it would be the perfect way for you to relax after a long day at the hospital."

"Thank you so much," I muttered, taking Bella's face between my hands and placing a soft kiss on her lips. Though no one had told me, I knew she had been the driving force behind this present. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

I had wanted a Steinway for almost as long as I had wanted to play the piano but, even though Esme and Carlisle had supported me in my desire to learn how to play and gifted me with a baby grand for my twelfth birthday, a piano as fine as this one had always been out of reach.

"I'm, just glad you like your present," she beamed back at me. "I know how frustrated the old one made you feel at times."

"You're right about that," I groaned. The old piano, which sill adorned the study at home, was the one I had bought right after I had moved to New York. Though the apartment Alice and I had inhabited was spacious enough, it wasn't big enough to house a grand piano, so I had made do with an upright model of a lesser known brand, promising myself that as soon as I got more settled in life and had my own place I would treat myself to a better one.

The very one who's miniature replica I now resting on the coffee table.

"It looks so pretty," Libby said, eying the figurine. "Can I play it too?"

I cringed inwardly, knowing this question was bound to come up sooner or later. Though I loved my little girl quite like nothing else in the world, the thought of letting her loose on an instrument as fragile and fine as this. With Libby's record of abuse when it came to my old piano I wasn't exactly eager to let her near my new one.

"Maybe later honey," Bella replied, snorting at my undoubtedly heavily conflicted expression. "This kind of piano is meant for people who van play really, really good." She looked up at me and smiled sweetly before turning her attention back to our girl. "Like daddy."

"Will you play for me?" Libby asked, apparently satisfied with her mothers answer.

"I can do better than that," I answered, picking her up from the floor and placing her on my lap. "How about I think of a song just for you?" The thought in itself wasn't entirely new. I had been working on a composition inspired by my daughter for a long time but it was hard to capture her exuberance and openness into music.

"Just like mommy's song?" she asked in an awed voice.

"Yes," I nodded looking at Bella. "Just like mommy's song."

"I would love that, daddy," she said in a tiny voice, giving me a hug that showed she was Emmett's niece through and through.

**xXx**

Later that morning, after breakfast, I decided to use the time usual spend on nothingness to take a tour of the woods. Bella, Libby, Alice and Esme had disappeared into the kitchen almost as soon as breakfast was finished and with my dad cooped up in his study again and Masen sleeping in his crib there wasn't anything for me to do around the house.

I could have joined my dad upstairs and maybe I should have done so but I knew he was busy putting together the plans for next year. We had all learned early on after he was made chief of staff at the hospital that it was best not to disturb Carlisle during the last weeks of the year.

I was looking forward to some time on my own anyway since I had a lot to think about and most of that revolved around my wife.

As pleasurable as the blowjob had been it had left me with a bitter aftertaste and I found myself wondering once more how my wife could be pensive and distant one moment and all over me the next. Had she been trying to proof something by instigating our intimacy last night and this morning? Had it been her trying to establish her reign over my body? And if it was, why didn't she talk to me about her insecurities?

I knew my early present probably had everything to do with what she had found yesterday and berated myself once more as I remembered my own stupidity. Like I had tried to explain to Bella yesterday I had had no choice but to accept Irina's present, which was something the bitch had probably been aware of.

She had cornered me on my last day before Christmas when I was busy scribbling some nurses orders on a chart and presented it to me in front of the who's who of the hospital claiming she 'wanted to do something nice for her new colleagues. I knew as well as she did that it was bullshit. She wanted to make a good impression on her superiors and see what kind of reaction she would be getting out of me by her actions.

Knowing I couldn't very well refuse with the complete selection committee for the fellowship standing within hearing distance I had accepted as graciously as I could, intending to dispose of the damn thing in the nearest trash can as soon as I could.

That was when my pager had gone off….

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" I yelled, kicking at a few pebbles as my feet automatically brought me to my meadow.

Why did I have to be such a total prick and always ruin everything? Why did it have to happen now, when it had seemed the good was finally outweighing the bad in my life?

Why couldn't the past just remain the past?

I sagged down on a fallen down tree, not caring if my ass was going to freeze off because of the melting snow, and buried my head in my hands.

I felt so powerless.

My life was slipping away from me, everything I had ever wanted, everything I had ever loved, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Hell, I had even been the one who caused it to happen!

"Edward!" a scolding voice sounded from underneath the protective shelter of a few evergreens. "What did I tell you about wallowing in self pity?"

"Mother?" I was surprised to see her emerging from the woods, her thick winter coat clutched tightly around her body. "I thought you and Bella would be stuck in the kitchen all day."

"Your lovely wife banished me from my own kitchen," Esme chuckled. "She can be pretty frightening when she wants to be!"

"Tell me about it!" I smiled. "But somehow I don't think you hacked your way through the forest to tell me how scary the woman I love is."

"True," she nodded, "It was actually your wife I wanted to talk to you about."

"Bella?" I muttered, the shock of seeing her here still overruling everything else.

"Of course dear," she chuckled. "How many other women are you married to?"

"Wha?" I swallowed hard at the possibility of Esme having learned about my….dealings with Irina. Had Bella told her? No, she wouldn't have. She knew how important it was to me to keep as much of my past hidden for those around me as I could. She would never betray me like that.

Not even when I had betrayed her….

"I'm joking!" she giggled, punching me playfully in the shoulder. "Dear God Edward!"

"So wanted to talk to me about Bella?" I asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Yes," she replied, all humor gone from her voice as she looked out in front of her, a frown marring her face. "We had a talk yesterday…."

"Bella spoke to you?" I asked, unable to stop myself from feeling hurt and jealous.

"I was so glad she did," my mother sighed. "You don't know how much it pains me to see her so tired and beaten when we arrived in town for Thanksgiving….."

"I know," I muttered. "I wish I could do something – anything – to make this any easier for her, but she won't let me in!"

"Then maybe you're not going about this the right way."

"What the hell am I supposed to do!" I yelled, digging my fingers into the disintegrating tree trunk.

"Listen without prejudice," my mother stated.

"What?"

"I know you've only been trying to do what you think is best for her," my mother explained, "but by doing so you've also made it that much harder for her to confide in you."

"What the hell are you talking about, mom?" I growled, wishing Esme would just get to the point instead of spinning around it in circles.

She took a deep breath before opening her mouth again. "Bella told me about how difficult it is for her to combine motherhood with her ambitions as an academic." My mother spoke in a clear, almost emotionless voice, her eyes gauging my reaction as the words came out of her mouth.

"I know," I nodded, "I've been begging her to take things slower at the university….."

"I know you have, Edward," she replied, wiping the snow off the tree trunk with her leather-clad hands and sitting down next to me. "That's part of the problem."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"What is the hardest part of motherhood?" my mother asked, her question doing nothing to answer mine.

"Giving birth?" I replied, wondering where this was headed.

"As hard as the pain and exhaustion can be, they are nothing compared to the guilt a mother feels when she has to leave her baby behind in another person's care," Esme explained. "It goes against the grain."

"I do realize that," I nodded, a little annoyed that my mother apparently thought so little of me as a husband that she deemed me unable to sympathize with my wife. "Don't you think I've begged her a thousand times to work less and spend more time with Masen and Libby now that they are still so young?"

"But that's the point I'm trying to make!" Esme smiled wryly as she patted my hand. "Bella made the decision to go back to work knowing full well how hard it was going to be to leave her son behind with Rose every morning

"But it's just a job!" I yelled out.

"Is it?" my mother countered. "Tell me, Edward. Do _you_ think of your job as 'just a job'?"

"No, of course not!" I grumbled.

"Then why would it be any different for her?" she went on. "Do you know how long Bella has entertained hope of making it in the academic field?"

"She dreamt of having an academic career for years," I muttered, the dots finally connecting in my head. "She let it go once when she became pregnant and later on when she chose a steady income so that she and Libby could move out of Emmett's house over the uncertain path as a scholar and…..Oh Fuck!"

"Yes," my mom replied in a pensive voice as she allowed me to catch up. "Do you have any idea of exactly what it is that you're asking of her?"

"I didn't," I muttered, hanging my head in shame, "but I think I'm finally catching up now."

"Have you ever suggested that you take things slower at the hospital?" Esme went on.

"I…..well….I have…."

"Let me rephrase that," Esme smiled with a humorless chuckle. "Did you ever suggest it when you knew she wasn't going to tell you not to?"

I searched my minds, reliving all the moments I had offered to stop working at the hospital or dropping out of the race, but much to my own shame, I found that I had always know Bella would be there to tell me to stay the course.

"No," I whispered, hanging my head in shame.

"It is a preconceived notion that a mother should always be the one who sacrifices herself for the good of her children," Esme mused. "And in a way that image isn't so strange. The mother has carried and grown the child inside her body for nine months and is after all the one best equipped for taking care of it….However, for a professional woman, used to – and very proud of – taking care of herself, it is a bitter pill to swallow when the people around her reduce her to nothing more than a 'caretaker' while the man – regardless of his capabilities – is seen as the 'provider'."

"But I never…"

"I know you didn't," Esme chuckled, patting my hand with her gloved one. "I'd like to think that I raised you better than that. However….you are still a man, and therefore more prone to blindness on that particular subject than us womenfolk."

"But that hardly explains why she's been so hesitant to cut back on her hours," I interjected. True. I had been a selfish bastard, but that didn't explain why Bella would keep overstraining herself even when she knew it would lead to her undoing. "She knows she's exhausting herself…."

"Ah, yes," my mother sighed. "That's the hardest bit….and something where I think her childhood and – particularly – her mother come into play."

"Did she talk to you about Renee?" I asked, feeling a little pang of jealousy that apparently my wife preferred sharing her secrets with my mother instead of with me.

"Edward!" she scolded. "You know your wife better than I do. Of course she didn't talk to me about this. Heaven knows she's more closed off than an oyster. Her mind may hold the most beautiful pearls of thought but it's a damn tedious task getting into it!"

"Tell me something," I muttered, looking up at my mother's face. "Then how do you know?"

"When Renee came to see Masen after he was just born I got to listen in on a few of their conversations. It soon became clear to me that she is still pushing Bella to fulfill the dream they had set out together years ago. " She shot me another pointed look before she continued. "If Bella quits now or even cuts down on her hours, she will see it as the proof that her mother was right all along. The proof that she has thrown away every shot she has at fulfilling her potential by getting pregnant."

"That's fucking bullshit!" I yelled, jumping up from the log.

"I know," Esme nodded, her own anger clear in her expression. "But we have to let Bella find that out on her own, I'm afraid."

"What the hell are you saying mom?" I snarled. "That I should just stand by and watch my wife work herself to death? You've got to be kidding!"

"Calm down, Edward," she replied, her voice stern. "And for heaven's sake, sit down. There's no need to be dramatic." I must have looked at her like she was out of her mind (which was very near the truth) because she rolled her eyes at me and patted the empty space on the tree trunk next to her.

"I'm not asking you do nothing," she explained. "I'm asking you to support her. I know you've been busy working on your career as well but you might want to make sure you're there for her when she needs you."

"I'll do anything for her," I breathed. "I'll revoke my application for the fellowship tomorrow and…."

"As admirable as that would be, I don't think that would lessen the guilt she already feels," Esme replied with a wry smile. "You don't have to quit altogether but maybe you can cut back on your hours a little bit so that you can spend more time with your family."

"I've been such a selfish prick!' I gasped, the enormity of what had gone on at home while I was away chasing my own selfish dreams crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.

"You have," my mother chuckled, "but no more than the average man." She stood up from the trunk, brushing the snow off her coat as she extended her hand to me. "Come on, let's see how dinner is coming along."

* * *

_**So….it seems Esme has forced the both of them to take some steps in the good direction. Baby steps, but steps none the less. **_

_**I know some of you are getting tired of the angst and believe me, I hate writing it (contradictory as it may seem) but I would ask you to remain patient for a bit longer. The storm is coming and it is coming soon. Very soon...**_

_**!!!NOTE: SLIGHT SPOILERS BELOW, NO DETAILS ABOUT THE PLOT WILL BE GIVEN THOUGH THERE WILL BE CLUES ABOUT THE OUTCOME!!!**_

_**The impending HF is also the cause f a bit of a dilemma for me. I don't want to drag it out and make people all sad and depressed for weeks on end but posting the three chapters which will see us through the worst of it (24-26) in one week will mean I won't get to update for one or two weeks before and after. Which will give us the following update schedule:**_

_**Week 41: chapter 23**_

_**Week 42: no update**_

_**Week 43: chapters 24,25,26**_

_**Week 44: no update**_

_**Week 45: chapter 27**_

_**However, if you prefer I can also stick to my normal schedule of weekly updates.**_

_**Just let me now. I'll let you know which option has been voted on in the AN for next week's chapter.**_

_**Oh, and please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter.**_


	23. One step closer to the edge

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**It seems like most of you are in favor of proclaiming week 43 'Heartfail week'. I will be posting the three chapters that deal with the worst of it in that week, meaning that there won't be an update next week, I'm afraid. **_

_**Also: This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

* * *

**One step closer to the edge**

_**January 2010**_

"You look…good, Bella!" Rose gasped as she opened the door to her apartment.

"Thanks!" I grinned. "I feel good too." And for the first time in months I wasn't lying. Sure, I wasn't nearly there yet but I was finally feeling like the enormous weight of pressure and guilt had lifted somewhat over the last couple of weeks.

As strained as things had been between Edward at times during our trip to Chicago, it had actually been somewhat of a turning point and my talk with Esme they day we arrived had been a decisive factor in that. Knowing that things weren't going to get easier unless I did something about them, I had taken some time after we got back to think about what I wanted, how realistic my desires were and – most important – how I was going to achieve them. As hard as it was for me to prioritize, I knew I had to if I wanted to keep myself from keeling over with exhaustion. The rough outline of my weekly schedule that had come out of that had given me some much needed rest, even though I knew it wouldn't do anything to solve item number one on my list of priorities.

_Fix things with Edward._

If someone would have asked me a year ago about the probability of my marriage ever being in danger I would have laughed at them in their faces. The idea alone that my relationship with Edward would be in such a state that it was in need of fixing was preposterous in itself, let alone the question whether not I would be able to.

Right now, though, that question wasn't so easily answered.

It wasn't like I was falling out of love with Edward or that I was planning to leave him or do something else to break our connection. Not deliberately, at least. It was just that sometimes I found myself questioning how much more I could take. I _wanted_ to fix things with Edward more than anything – hence the number one priority – but with each day passing I found myself wondering more and more if I _could_.

Even now, when things were looking up for a change.

With the holiday rush being over things had calmed down considerably at the hospital, allowing Edward more time at home with us. Most of that time was spend doing things with the kids but generally. It also meant that at the end of the day I had his warm arms to snuggle into, his love to bask in and his voice and mind to have a grownup conversation with

I guess I had my mother in law to thank for that.

I should have known, the moment I had seen them emerging from the woods on Christmas day with a conspiratory smile of agreement on their faces that Esme had voiced at least some of my frustrations to my husband. If it had been anyone else that realization would have angered me. I had confided in her, expecting her to keep her secret after all.

Not with Esme though.

Not because it was hard enough for her to be caught in between the boy she raised as a son and the woman she had welcomed in her family as if she were her daughter. But most of all not because she had merely done what I had hitherto be unable to do; talk to my husband. I didn't know when or how it had become so hard for me to open up to him. It wasn't as if I liked keeping things bottled up or knowing that he did as well, it was just that with every day that passed, another bit of our old familiarity and openness had died and left a huge gaping hole in its wake.

I knew I was partly to blame for this. I had always been a very closed off kind of girl and opening up was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn, but Edward wasn't exactly making it easy on me either. His tendency to blame himself for every single bad thing that happened in my life, even if it had been completely my own fault, made me shy away from sharing things with him.

Not that he didn't have anything to blame himself for, though….

The fact that he had accepted a present from Irina still made me flame up in rage. I didn't care if she had cornered him in front of the president himself. He should never have taken the damned doll! I had had every intention of giving him the silent treatment (if he was lucky) or a well aimed kick in the balls (if he wasn't) as soon as we had made it through dinner, but that was when the news about Jasper breaking up with Alice arrived.

It had changed everything.

The thought that two people who, by all intents and purposes, were made for each other shook the foundations of my soul and made me fear – once more – about my own future. I had pounced on my husband that night, even if part of me was still angry at him, almost out of desperation. I needed to reassure myself that he still want me. That our bond was still intact…

"Bella?" Rose snickered. "Are you zoning out on me again? I thought Edward had the night shift last night."

"He did," I nodded, feeling the familiar heat of a bush rising in my cheeks. "But as a product of my time I would think I have more causes for happiness than getting laid good and proper."

"Bella?" her head snapped towards me so fast I was afraid it was going to cause whiplash.

"What?"

"Are you sure you're alright, baby?" Rose asked, peeking into my eyes. If she would have one of those little flashlight thingies she would have given Edward a run for his money. "You didn't walk into any lampposts on your way up?"

"Just let me say goodbye to my son, Rose," I sighed, pushing past her to deliver Masen safely into the playpen in the living room.

Saying goodbye to him wasn't getting any easier, especially not when he was saying my name and holding the fabric of my cardigan firmly in his tiny little fists while crying his poor heart out.

"Just go, Bella," Rose urged me. "He'll calm down in a couple of minutes.

"I know," I sighed, my heart breaking yet again as I tried to gently disentangle myself. "God! At times like these I really want to give into Edward's nagging and just take a year off….or two."

"Don't force anything," Rose advised, seeing me out the door, "do what you want to do when you feel like doing it and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"Thanks," I sniffed.

"That's what I'm here for, babe," she chuckled, giving me an awkward hug. "Now go kick some university butt!"

Over the weeks Rose had become very talented at giving me short pep talks before sending me back out onto the streets, feeling better and a little less guilty about leaving Masen behind. At least he was being cared for. Rose had completely grown in love with my little man doted on his every move.

I tried to push away all thoughts of home away and focus on what I would be doing today: research for my thesis and making preparations for Spring term. As difficult as it was to leave my son behind in the mornings, it was getting easier to make the switch from 'mommy' into 'professor Cullen' once I got back into my car. That might have had something to do with my busy schedule though. Between office hours, classes and research there wasn't that much time to dwell on my two little angels at home.

Much to my own relief I would only be teaching one class during the coming semester, it's topic (highlights of nineteenth century English literature) not being too difficult either. All in all I had a feeling this semester was going to be a whole lot easier than the last one.

"Bella!" Jenny squealed from behind her desk as she spotted me.

"Hey Jenny," I smiled. "How was your holiday?"

"Fine," she smirked. "That is…if you consider being holed up with twenty relatives in the middle of nowhere an interesting anthropological event."

"That bad?"

"They're okay, I guess," she smirked. "If only my auntie Bertha would stop trying to get me laid."

"What?" I couldn't remember my relatives ever coming close to whoring me out on family events. True, there were always the 'my sister-in-law's best friend's son would make an excellent suitor for you' remarks, but they were pretty stealthy about them. I guess all my family members were afraid of what my mom would do when she found out.

"Don't get me started on auntie Bertha!" Jenny groaned. "She even went as far as to shack me up with my second cousin twice removed in the hope 'something beautiful' would blossom out of it!"

"Yuck!"

"That's what I said," Jenny snickered. "Especially when I saw the dude. I swear, he looked like Mr. Spock!"

"Poor soul!" I said, laughing as Jenny painted the picture of her ordeal.

"I know!" she nodded. "I only managed to get rid of him when I showed him that picture you took of me and Nick at the end of term party last year."

Nick was one of the other students who worked at the faculty offices but, contrary to Jenny, he had been hijacked by a professor who had shanghaied him into becoming her personal assistant. He had been complaining about how she would have him write her letters and run all of the phone calls and do the other stuff she didn't feel like doing. Professor Tadea would probably have kept him locked up in her office well after midnight if Nick's boyfriend hadn't been her nephew, a nephew she was very close to and who frequently came over to rescue poor Nicholas out of the clutches of his aunt.

"Does Henry know you've moved in on his man?" I asked.

"I don't think he'd mind," Jenny beamed. "I know for a fact that Nick has a picture of me in his wallet just in case his nasty aunts try go for round two. They might've backed off for now but it's better to be prepared for every eventuality."

"Speaking of which," I sighed. "I'd better get to work. I've got a whole term to prep for and I wanted to do some reading as well before I have to pick Libby up from school again."

"I've put those journals you've requested on your desk," Jenny nodded with a smile, "as well as the preliminary sign up sheet for your class." She must have seen my slightly frightened expression at her words because her smile turned reassuring as she continued. "No snakes in your class so far…"

"Thanks, Jenny," I sighed, releasing the breath I had been holding. "You're a champ."

"Can you please pass that message on to professor Hutchkins?" Jenny groaned. "She's been on my case about my dissertation for God knows how long!"

"Perhaps you should stop working overtime and start getting some work done," I replied with a pointed look. I knew for a fact that Jenny, intimidated by the prospect of writing her bachelor's dissertation, had been putting it off for ages.

"Stop being such a teacher!" she growled, hiding her face behind her hair as she pretended to sort through the mail.

"Can't help it," I called over my shoulder as I made my way through he corridor to my office.

"Bella dear," Stefan's voice called as I walked past his office.

"Yes?" I peeked inside to see him sitting behind his desk looking very uncomfortable.

Not good.

"Can you spare this old man a moment or two?"

"Of course," I nodded, my voice betraying a bit of the fear that had started to bubble up in my chest. This was not good. When elderly men started addressing themselves as such to give you a false sense of security you knew you were in for a hard time.

He waited talking until I had settled into a chair opposite his desk, his eyes following my every move as I went. "Now," he went on, lifting his glasses from his nose and cleaning them, even when they appeared to be perfectly clean to me. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way….."

Bad. Very bad. Were they going to fire me? "Please?" I pleaded, wishing he would just yank off the band aid and get this over with.

"Very well," he nodded, putting his glasses back in place. "A complaint has been made against you."

"What?" I yelled, almost jumping up from my chair. "By who?"

"Bella," he scolded with a dissatisfactory scowl on his face. "I would have assessed your intellect higher than that."

"Jane," I hissed, several scenarios of killing the little viper in a very slow and torturous way passing in front of my minds eye.

"Of course," Stefan nodded. "And that, my dear, is why we don't take the complaint very seriously."

"We?"

"Is was a formal complaint, made to the dean of studies, so of course the proper channels have been informed."

"Dammit," I growled. If the complaint had been made to the dean than that meant that Aro was probably behind this as well. I could imagine it would have given him no small amount of pleasure to try and ruin my career.

"Now, calm down please, Bella," he soothed, stopping me before I could reply. "Everyone agrees that this complaint holds no stake and is unworthy of the amount of attention it has so far generated, but to avoid the air of favoritism we have to follow procedure."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted him. "How long has this been going on?"

"The complaint was made on December 22," Stefan stated.

"The day after…."

"Yes," he replied with a wry smile. "That is one of the reasons why we're not taking this seriously. It looks too orchestrated."

"It does.' At least that was one thing I had done good in all of this. If the complaint had indeed been made only hours after I had made the grades public then it did seem like Jane had planned it all along. She must have known she was never going to pass this exam. "So where does that leave me?"

"For now you can go on as planned," Stefan announced, much to my relief, "however you might be called upon to give a statement and I would advise you to take some time to commit your account of your dealings with Jane to paper."

"I'll get on it first thing," I sighed. There went my progress.

"I have no doubt that none of this will be held against you," Stefan sighed as I rose to leave. "Everyone who knows you and who has had dealings with Jane – which amounts to much of the senior staff at this faculty, I can tell you – will ever give any credibility to this story."

"Thanks," I said, forcing a smile. They could try all their might but I was sure the damage had already been done. Knowing Jane and Aro they would find a way to get their accusations out in the open and no amount of good press by the faculty staff was going to prevent me from becoming food for gossip. I wondered if Jenny had known about it this morning when we spoke but I guessed not. Jenny would never keep something like this from me.

"Really Bella," Stefan repeated, standing up from his chair and walking around his desk to sit down on the corner, patting my hand. "This will all be forgotten in time."

"If you start quoting Austen at me, than I have another one for you," I muttered. "A woman's reputation is no less brittle than it is beautiful."

"I thought that had everything to do with the loss of virtue?" Stefan mused.

"In the novel, yes," I nodded. "But in real life it means that women still have to deal with one hell of a armored glass ceiling. I just know that a lot of people are going to think all of this has happened because I can't hack it in the academic field and the worst thing is that they might be right."

"Bella," Stefan soothed. "I do believe your love for Austen has caused you to become slightly melodramatic. I'm sure no one who knows you and what you're capable of is going to think that." He stopped me before I could interrupt. "Sure, you've had a rough start, but who hasn't? I remember having to completely redo my thesis twice before my supervisor even considered taking a look at it. And I'm not even going to mention the first classes I taught!" He shuddered visibly before continuing. "You're not doing that bad dear, especially not when you take into account that you've given life to a beautiful baby boy only eight or so months ago."

"I wish I could believe that," I sighed.

"I wish you would be honest with yourself and realize that you don't have to go through this alone. There really is no use to reinvent the wheel when we have a perfectly round and rolling creation already." "Accept the help people are dying to give to you, even if it will bruise your ego to do so. If you have trouble talking to me, there are other opportunities…."

"Thank you Stefan," I replied, my voice barely registering above a whisper as I placed my other hand on top of his. "I will think about what you said." His words had stirred a barrage of emotions inside me. Part of me wanted to hug the hell out of him and take him up on every offer of help he had made me. Another part however, the proud part that was getting less vocal every day, still wasn't ready to admit that I was in over my head, not just at work but at home as well. For weeks now I had felt like my life had spiraled out of control. The ship was sinking and I was still trying to plug the holes with all my might when I should be sending out SOS-signals left right and center. Was this the time to keep on trying to do this alone or should I call for backup?

"Please do, Bella," he stated solemnly, "We all want what is best for you."

His words still echoed in my head as I went about my daily business, preparing for my upcoming class and struggling my way through various articles in literary journals in which the books I was using for my thesis were discussed.

By the time I was ready to call it a day my notebook as almost full and my hands were cramped up from writing but I was content about my days progress. That was…as far as work was concerned. I was very well aware that mentally I was still stuck in limbo.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"Did you check the output of his drains?" I barked as I tried frantically to save a patients life. The man had had surgery earlier today and was closely monitored in the ICU when he threw a blood clot and stared crashing. It turned out that whichever doctor had taken been responsible of the aftercare had done a pretty shoddy job, leaving the risk of a thing like this happening wide open. It was a good thing I was close by to fix the damage or he would have probably bled out.

It was a surprise, however, when I found out that person had been Irina.

"O-of course," she stammered, her eyes flickering towards the door as if she was debating if she could make it to the door without being caught.

"Doctor Romanova?" House barked walking into the room. Someone must have paged him. "You'd better have a damn good explanation for this."

"I do," Irina replied quickly, recomposing herself. "I followed every protocol in the book. It's all in here!" She waved her hand at the chart that was still hanging on the edge of the bed. "This is just a freak incident!"

"It better be," House snapped, disappointed that his new start pupil had messed up. "If you come out of this smelling like anything else than roses you'll find that pretty ass of yours on the first plane back to LA."

"That won't happen," Irina replied, trying to hide her panic behind a fake smile. It was when I decided not to let that chart out of my sight. I wanted to take a good look at it and see for myself if Irina had indeed followed protocol, before the bitch got her hands on it.

"Doctor Cullen?" House's voice shook me out of my thoughts. "Present the case."

I launched into an explanation of how the patient had started crashing after a carotid angioplasty which had probably been caused by thrombosis with House nodding and 'hmm'-ing as if he knew everything I explained to him already.

"Congratulations, doctor Romanova," he smirked, after I was done. "You may have turned this poor man into a vegetable."

"But I……"

House interrupted her before she could say anything else, her normally so controlled face frantic and anguished as she tried to think of a way out of this mess. "I expect a full postoperative report on my desk first thing tomorrow and you can expect a case-presentation coming up ahead."

"Of course," she whispered, her usual arrogance completely vanished as she made her way out of the ICU, never once looking back.

Well, it was to be expected. She never was the type of doctor who did this out of a feeling of compassion. To her it was all about the glory and the money, though God knew she didn't need that last one.

"I expect one of you too, doctor Cullen," House barked at me as he too made to leave. "And I would like to see you in my office before you leave."

"Very well," I nodded, wondering what it was that he had to say to me. I knew better than to ask, though. He would tell me when he was ready to tell me and clearly that wasn't now.

I had a pretty good idea of what it was though…..

With my talk with Esme fresh in my mind I had decided to drastically cut back on my hours to spend more time at home. Taking the kids out to the park or even spending an afternoon building a snowman with Libby in the back yard meant that Bella could get some work done and have enough peace and quiet to actually think.

To me it was bliss to be spending more time away from the tension and unease that had invaded my workspace with the coming of Irina and – after suffering some serious adrenaline withdrawal – I found it was getting easier by the day to distance myself from the hospital.

It wasn't even like I had been cutting corners. I still completed every regular shift I was assigned too, I had just cut back on the extra hours I made. Sure, I would never run out of an OR when the clock told me my shift was over, but if I didn't have anything special planned, I wasn't going to stay on for extra credit. If that meant diminishing my chances of the fellowship than so be it.

Other things were more important to me at the moment.

The experience of what I had lost all those weeks when I thought my own selfish needs were more important than the welfare of my family made me feel so ashamed of my own blindness. How could I not have seen what I was doing to Bella and the children? How could I have condoned a scenario in which I spend hours on end with that viper of an ex-fling and just expect Bella to accept that and trust me?

I could already see the changes in Bella. As January progressed she slowly lost more of that worn and exhausted look around her eyes that had been worrying everyone since around about November and she was getting stronger too. I just wished it was more than a physical change though…

As long as Bella kept on living in denial the changes would only be that: physical. But no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could say or do that could get through to her. Like no one else I had come to know my wife's stubbornness over the years and it truly was a magnificent opponent.

It wasn't as if I hadn't tried a million times to get through to her but every time I did it would only end in arguments and hours of silent treatment so as time passed my efforts had slowly shifted from preventing further damage to controlling whatever damage had already been caused. There was nothing else for me to do but pray for the best and hope that somehow she would see sense before the abyss she was crashing towards would swallow her.

The rest of my shift was spend monitoring my patients and overseeing a few medical students who were suturing the many lacerations on some drunk who had stumbled through a glass window. Before I knew it I found myself in familiar territory again, trying to ignore the smell of evil permeating the outer office of Doctor Caius House.

"Is he in?" I asked his secretary.

"I'm sure he is," she barked without looking up from her job of slamming documents into the hard drive of her computer. Considering the ferocity she used to press the keys I wouldn't have been amazed if she had gone through countless of keyboards and several desks already.

"Can you check that for me?" I huffed impatiently. "I have an appointment…."

"Just wait until he's ready for you," she shrugged, still not giving me the time of day.

I pinched the bridge of my nose in aggravation as I sagged down into one of the uncomfortable chairs outside the door to House's realm. Apparently the mindfuckery had already begun and House was silently letting me know I was in the doghouse.

After a couple of minutes had passed a beep and a short command barked through the intercom on the secretary's phone made it clear that my boss was ready to see me. I sighed, trying to appear calm and composed as I walked into the office, pretending I didn't know what the hell all of this was about.

"Ah, doctor Cullen." The lights shone in his eyes as he looked up from his papers.

"You wanted to speak to me about something, Doctor House?"

"Yes," he mused. "Lets cut to the chase. I know you've been playing truant lately…."

"Playing truant?" I interrupted him. "I hardly think that's fair. I've never left before my shift ended."

"But you have been slacking in your dedication to the job," House quipped. "So much so, in fact, that I'm beginning to wonder if you want that fellowship after all."

"I want it."

"Oh really?" House sneered. "Then why aren't you out there fighting for it?"

"I am," I replied, trying to stay calm. "But as you may not realize, I have other responsibilities as well. Responsibilities I cannot keep shunning forever."

"I always knew your family would be your downfall," he remarked. "You know as well as I do that if you want to be a brilliant surgeon, for which you have every ingredient, you have to be focused and dedicated to the job and you have to be surrounded by people who understand that. If your weepy wife can't hack it as a surgeon's counterpart then you'd do best to dump her before she screws up your life."

"With all due respect, sir," I hissed through clenched teeth. "I would be screwing up my life if I would walk out on wife, gave up on the love we share and left her to fend for her self and our children. You may be the kind of man who can do that, but I am not and – to be honest – even the thought of doing such a thing to the people I love more than anything in the world makes me sick to my stomach."

"I've heard enough," House huffed. "If you want to be with the leeches, then be with the leeches but don't go crying to me when she dumps you for some stuffy archivist and you find yourself bored out of your skull in some Hicksville country hospital."

"I can assure you, that won't be happening," I half growled. "I am devoted to medicine as well as to my patients and I have never been slacking in my duties towards them or to this hospital. I think even my patients will understand that I have a life of my own as well and no drawn out competition is going to make me give up on what I value most. Good day."

From the reflection in the glass door I could see the baffled look on Caius's face as I turned and marched out of his office, slamming the door behind me. It was only after I had showered, dressed in my normal clothes and was on my way to the garage that what happened started to catch up with me.

I knew I had made the best decision of my life when I had chosen my family over my career, though part of me couldn't help from mourning the loss of the very thing I had been fighting for, for as long as I could remember. What did it mean that I had given up when I was so close to achieving it? I didn't want to think it was cowardice or a lack of backbone that had spurned me to make that decision. No. It had been the urge to protect those who meant more to me than my career, my life and all other things put together.

I knew it was worth it. It had to be.

It was well past eight when I got back home, which meant that Bella had probably put the kids to bed already. I sighed, knowing how I had promised Libby this morning that I would try to make it home in time for bedtime stories. I would have succeeded if it hadn't been for House.

A growl rose in my chest as I thought back on my conversation with my boss. How dare he suggest I leave my family – my life – behind to chase after my career? Did he realize that – apart from selfish bastards such as he – the world consisted mainly of people who weren't just focused on their own advancement? The thought alone creeped me out and made me wish I could get the hell away from that hospital before I turned into my boss. If it wasn't for the fact that my career was closely interwoven with this hospital and that Bella had her life and her own career in New York, I might have considered looking around. I knew Carlisle had been rooting for me to come back to Chicago after my residency was finished, but that was before I met Bella.

The house was almost quiet when I entered the foyer. Apart from soft music drifting from the kitchen and the sound of pots and pans being put away in kitchen cabinets the whole house seemed to have closed up for the night.

I smiled when I walked into the kitchen to find Bella standing on her toes, trying to put one of the ornately decorated China bowls Esme had given her as a birthday present back into its place on one of the top shelves.

"Need some help?" I purred, not waiting for her answer but taking over and placing the bowl back into the cabinet.

"Ah! There you are!" she purred, molding her small body to mine as I sucked the tender skin at the base of her neck in between my teeth. "I was about to send out a search party."

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I got held up with a patient. I guess the little ones are in bed?" I had been looking forward to being around when Libby and Masen would be getting ready for bed. Since I had been working a lot of late shifts lately I had been missing out on a lot of things like giving Masen his bath or reading with Libby. I had tried to make up for it by devoting most of the time I didn't have to work with them, but that didn't mean I didn't miss it

"Libby wanted to wait but she almost fell asleep on the couch," Bella sighed apologetically.

"I know," I replied. "It's my fault. I should have been home sooner."

"We both know that sometimes your patients need you more than we do," Bella stated as if it was the most normal thing in the world that she was sacrificing her own needs and those of our children for the good of my career. We had been through this too often, though, for me to go against those views, at least not tonight. I didn't think I could take another argument with my wife.

"It does have it's benefits though," I mused, reattaching my lips to my wife's bare skin.

"Oh really?" she crooned, brushing her ass against my growing erection.

"Yes, really," I mused. "If the kids had been in the room with us I wouldn't have been able to do this." She squealed as I turned her around and placed her on the countertop, pushing her legs aside and standing in between them to kiss her properly.

"That would have set the wrong example, yes," she panted as I finally released her lips. Their pouty pinkness darkened and swollen from our kisses.

"Why are we talking?" I growled, leaning in to reclaim her lips, Bella granting me access to her mouth almost the instant her soft skin connected with mine. Before long things grew more heated and our hands started wandering as our tongues battled for dominance, only to be stopped by a loud bang as Bella's head connected with one of the kitchen cupboards.

"Ow!" Bella groaned, rubbing a spot on the back of her head.

"Sorry," I growled against her lips, drowning out everything else with another kiss as I cradled her head in my hands to prevent further accidents from happening.

I didn't want any distractions.

Not tonight.

We were both panting for breath when I finally released her lips, Bella's mouth immediately latching on to my neck, kissing and nipping at the kin as my hands started wandering from the back of her head all over her body, groping and claiming with an almost frantic need possess.

I growled when her hands fisted in my hair, the pleasurable pain spurring the movement of my hands on as they kept drifting lower, hiking up the fabric of her skirt until they were met with nothing but the flimsy piece of lace that covered her wet heat.

"Edward," she moaned as my fingers brushed over her wet heat, the sounds emanating from her chest driving me to the brink of insanity.

Her legs wrapped around my waist, pulling me flush against her body as her wetness brushed against my rock hard cock, the two only separated by a few layers of fabric. I growled, barely containing my impatience. I just wanted to be inside her.

Another bang of her head against one of the cupboards brought me out of my lustful haze. As much as I wanted – no needed – to be have her, I wanted her to feel the same overwhelming pleasure as I did when we had sex, not have her end up concussed or otherwise in pain. A glance around the room was all I needed to make up my mind.

Bella gasped as I pulled her up against me, my lips claiming hers and never letting go as I clasped my arms around her and carried her to the dinner table in the center of the room. "Much better," I growled, the sight of my wife splayed out in front of me on the antique mahogany table almost making me come in my pants. Not even the fact that she was still fully clothed diminished the staggering sexiness of it.

"What are you waiting for?" Bella purred as she propped herself up on her elbows, her legs spread, giving me a perfect view of her dark blue lacey boy shorts. "I might have to take care of myself if I get bored…." One hand started to suggestively slip down her body to her center, following the same path my hands had just minutes ago.

"Fuck," I hissed as one finger pushed the fabric aside to reveal how wet she really was, her pussy glistening with her want for me.

"Do you like to watch?" she panted, her voice quivering as her finger started brushing circles over her clit. "Do you like seeing how I play with myself?"

"Bella," I growled, my hands acting on their own accord as they started unfastening the clasp of my belt. As much as I liked to watch, the almost animalistic jealousy I felt of her fingers made me no longer want to watch on from the sideline. I wanted to be inside her.

"Edward," she moaned in response, two fingers pumping in and out of her as her thumb played with her clit.

I didn't even give myself the time to undress. I just yanked my pants and boxer briefs down, thankful that I was already standing right in front of her because moving would have been a heinous task in my current condition.

"Let me in," I growled, removing her hand from her and buried myself deep within her body in one movement, both of us groaning at the sensation. I brought her fingers to my mouth as I slammed into her over and over again, the urge to taste her growing into an almost overwhelming need.

Bella's lips crashed to mine almost the moment I released her fingers from my mouth, our new position allowing me to hit new spots inside her. "I……fuck….almost….." she gasped, her legs clamping around my waist in an effort to pull me even deeper inside.

"Let go," I commanded, biting at her bottom lip at the same time one of my hands found her clit. I was hoping she would because I didn't know how long I could last, my whole body was already shaking with its need for release.

"Bella," I growled, no longer being able to hold back.

"Edward," she shrieked, her body convulsing around mine as she met her climax almost immediately after mine, her nails clawing in my shoulders as she held on to me.

"Bella," I sighed, resting my sweaty forehead against hers as we were both coming down from our highs when a sudden creaking in the wood of the stairs alerted us to the fact that we weren't alone.

Fuck!

"Daddy?' a sleepy voice sounded from the dark hallway.

"Libby?" I called, both Bella and I frantically putting our clothes back in place and erasing all traces of sex. Bella's worried and guilt ridden look no doubt matched mine. How much had she seen or heard? Why couldn't I have kept it in my pants until we were in our bedroom?

"Are you okay daddy?" Libby asked as she walked into the kitchen. "I heard noises coming from downstairs so I thought you must have come home but when I came down to see if it was you it sounded like someone was sick."

"I'm okay, sweetheart," I replied, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. "Have you been standing there long?"

"No," she shook her head, her eyes telling me she wasn't completely satisfied with my explanation. "I came downstairs when I heard you call out mommy's name. I thought you needed help."

At least that was one consolation. Apparently she didn't see anything, because if she did, I was sure her curiosity would have driven her to start asking questions.

"Daddy dropped something on his toe," Bella offered, her lie so transparent I was almost one hundred percent positive Libby wouldn't buy it. "That's why he was calling for help."

"What did he drop?" Libby challenged. "I didn't hear anything."

"The sauté pan," Bella growled, knowing there was no way she could fool our daughter. 'And I put it back into the cabinet."

"Why don't you go ahead and get back into bed?" I intervened before this could get ugly. "I'll come tuck you in, in a minute."

"Okay," Libby sighed, narrowing her eyes at her mother before making her way upstairs.

"Talk about a narrow escape," Bella laughed nervously.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, only now realizing how I had acting not much better than an animal.

"What for?" She turned to look at me as she tried to wiggle back into her panties which had resided on the floor next to the table until now. I hoped Libby hadn't spotted them.

"Look at you!" I groaned, pointing at the beginnings of bruises running all over her creamy white thighs. It was already clear as day that when those bruises would take their final shape they would be a perfect copy of my hands.

"It's nothing," she shrugged.

"But I hurt you!" I hissed, not wanting to upset Libby even further.

"I didn't feel a thing," Bella spat back. "And even if I did, it was nothing I wouldn't gladly suffer for what just happened. Don't kill the mood, Edward."

"I'd better head upstairs," I sighed, knowing better than to go against my wife when she was being delusional like this. Even if I knew full well that there was nothing that could justify my behavior of this night.

I had come home, fucked my wife as if she was no more than a common prostitute and scared the hell out of my kid and I had done all of that because I was frustrated failure of a husband and doctor.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"Mommy?"

"Yes, darling?" I looked up from the book I was reading, my reading glasses perched on the edge of my nose as Libby walked up to my beautiful new writing desk.

"Can I go over to Vanessa's to play?"

Vanessa was a new girl who had arrived during Spring Break. Since she was as worldly and inquisitive as my daughter was they had soon become friends and, even though they had only known each other for a few days, they had become almost inseparable.

"Sure sweetie," I replied with a smile. "As long as her mom doesn't mind dropping you off at aunt Rose's tonight. Why don't you give them a call while I finish this page? The number is by the phone."

"Okay!" she nodded as she hopped on top of the desk in search of the phone.

I tried to block out her giggles as she talked to Marge, Vanessa's mother, who was clearly as delighted with my little girl as her daughter was while I finished the page I had been reading. It was actually quite fortunate that Libby would be out for the rest of the afternoon since tonight would be opera-night and I was expected over at Rose's in a few hours to start getting ready. As much as I loved Libby being around me, the prospect of getting rid of one of my worst critics did seem rather appealing at the moment.

Edward had been working a gruesome marathon shift during the last couple of days, stepping in when one of his colleagues was down with the Mexican flu, though I suspected part of it was also to avoid me. He still wouldn't really look at me after our heated sex on the kitchen table had caused a hand shaped bruise to appear on my body, the guilt written clearly on his face every times his eyes drifted nervously to my thighs.

I had tried, every opportunity I got, to make him realize that I had not been hurt by his actions of last night. In fact…I wouldn't mind a repeat of it.

"Mommy?" Libby cautiously pulled at the sleeve of my burgundy pea coat, her eyes silently asking me if I was alright.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," I sighed. "Mommy was just thinking about work things."

"Will you tell me about the book you have been reading?"

"Of course, honey," I replied, wondering how in the world I was going to come up with a child friendly version of _Tess of de d'Urbervilles_. I guess that was what happened when you brought your work back home with you, into the territory of a very inquiring seven year old.

"When is Masen coming back?" Libby asked as we rounded to corner to the street where the Simpsons lived.

"You're joining him at Rose and Emmett's tonight," I explained. Rose had been nagging me to take Masen for a few days, claiming that Emmett would put more effort into baby making if he realized how much he missed having a baby in the house.

Somehow I doubted if that particular plan of hers would work.

"Where are you and daddy going tonight?" Libby asked with a frown.

"We're going to the opera," I said. "Remember what I told you about it? It was the thing that was just like the movies only right in front of you and with people singing instead of speaking."

"Right," she nodded. "Why can't I come?"

"It's a little bit late in the evening for you," I chuckled. "Plus, I don't think you'd like it very much because all the songs are in Italian. If you're good to your aunt Rose and uncle Emmett we could go to an afternoon performance of a musical someday soon though…."

"Can we?' Libby pleaded. "I would love to see _The Lion King_!"

"We might," I chuckled as Libby sped on ahead to ring the doorbell.

When I got back home after dropping Libby off I noticed a figure standing on the doorstep, trying to peek inside through the living room window. I cursed myself for leaving my phone at home when I recognized who it was.

Irina.

"Hello Bella," she lisped.

"Go away," I growled.

"There's no need to be impolite," she pouted in a fake hurt voice. "I'm only trying to make conversation."

"Then go do so elsewhere," I growled. "I have no need for it."

"I merely wanted to talk to you about some concerns I have about your husband," she pouted.

"Concerns?" I frowned, opening the door, intent on slipping in and closing it behind me as soon as I was clear. She wouldn't let me though. I would have known she was too smart to be fooled by a trick like that.

"Edward is a very accomplished doctor," she mused, her evil hawk like eyes settling on my face with no small amount of mirth. "And for me that is saying something since I don't make it a habit to blow anyone's trumpet but my own."

"Why don't you tell me something I don't already know," I spat back.

"If he wins this fellowship he could even be a brilliant surgeon," she went on, ignoring my biting remarks. "He has it in him to eclipse even his father. That is….if he gets his act together."

"His act is very together, thank you very much," I barked, making to close the door in her face but her umbrella blocked the way before I could shut her out. "What is it you want from me?" I yelled exasperated. "Why can't you just leave us be and focus on your own damn career?"

"Silly Bella," she cackled, her eyes beaming with glee as she looked at me. "I only have Edwards best interest at heart, and frankly both me and doctor House seem to agree that those aren't served by him playing happy families with you. I came in the hope of talking some sense into you before you successfully ruin every chance he has at growing into his full potential."

"Get out of my house," I growled. "Get out of my house and get the hell out of my life. If I ever catch your skanky ass around here again I will call the cops on you."

She smiled at me as if I had just invited her over for tea and light refreshments and continued to stand there, without even the slightest inclination of leaving, her sturdy, expensive looking umbrella still blocking every option I had over shutting her out.

"Do you have any idea how much damage you have done to his career ever since you stumbled into his life?" she sneered, her eyes cold and venomous as they kept up their relentless gaze. "If it wasn't for you there wouldn't even be a competition for this fellowship."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I stammered, wishing I was a much better actress so that she wouldn't know – as she undoubtedly did now – how much of a lie my statement really was.

"If Edward had been able to focus himself one hundred percent on his career, there wouldn't be a doubt in anyone's mind that he would get the spot," she explained. "Hell, I wouldn't even have thought about giving up a good and steady position at Cedar-Sinai if he had. Because of _you_ his future, his every wish, is now very much in doubt. Face the facts Bella! _You_ brought me here. _You _brought this on _yourself_."

"Then why are you telling me this?" I chuckled darkly, pouring every single bit of venom I had left in me into my voice. "You should be ecstatic."

"I want to win this," she mused, "but I want to defeat him on skill, not because he isn't man enough to deliver the goods when they're needed."

"Come on, Irina," I snorted. "You know as well as I do that Edward is one of the most dedicated surgeons on the staff. You don't actually expect me to believe you, don't you?"

"Oh really?" she smiled, her face deceivingly angelic. "If he's really as dedicated as you say he is, then why did he cut back on his hours to keep an eye on his wife?"

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_**Game, set and match, Miss Romanova?**_

_**Not even I am evil enough to keep you hanging with a cliffie for two weeks. I intend to post a lengthy teaser, which will be the first section of chapter 24, over on the twilighted boards next Monday. I'll also be posting some 'homework' for the next chapter (hey, I am a teacher after all) which will be another teaser in itself. You can find a link to the thread for this story on my Profile.**_


	24. Take a bow

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**As always much love for my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for fixing this chapter.**_

_**This was a very hard one to write. In fact….it's the hardest thing I've ever had to write which makes me quite ridiculously nervous to post this chapter. Part of that is because I hate having to put good people through bad things, but partly because of the technical aspects of it. By the end of the last chapter Bella's brain has basically poofed out which causes her thoughts and emotions to be all over the place in this chapter. Inconsistency and irrationality of thought go hand in hand with that and any present here in this chapter are intentional. **_

_**The opera Madame Butterfly served as a huge inspiration for this chapter. A summary of the plot can be found in the story thread at twilighted (link on my profile page).**_

_**Okay. I can do this. – takes a deep breath and submits chapter- **_

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**Take a bow**

_**January 2010**_

"_Is that why he cut back on his hours to keep an eye on his wife?"_The words echoed through the air long after Irina had left, satisfied that she had dealt me yet another blow I wasn't likely to rally from anytime soon.

The moment she had spoken the words it was as if something shifted in my brain, allowing me to see for the first time in God knew how long, what had been going on in my life.

Edward sacrificed his career.

He gave up on his lifelong dream because of me.

Because I couldn't hack being a mother and a wife.

Because I had vainly thought I could have roots and wings all at the same time.

Because I was a complete and utter failure, and apparently determined to bring myself and everyone around me down.

I doubted the woman could have hit me any harder if she had used a sledgehammer. How did she always know what to say to make me feel like the worst kind of person that ever existed?

How right she had been...

The answer came before I even had time to think about it. Was this what it had come to? Was I killing every opportunity my very gifted husband had at not only making a success out of his own life, but saving the lives of God knew how many others?

Could I really be so selfish to expect him to give that up?

I knew he had made his choice by cutting back on his hours. He had chosen to be with his family, ruining every chance he had at the _Douglas Ross Fellowship_, the very thing he had fought for, for as long as he had wanted to become a heart surgeon. The dream he would undoubtedly have turned into reality if he hadn't bumped into me that day at the hospital.

My heart broke as I realized that the moment I had filed away as one of the happiest in my life, equaled only by the birth of our children, our wedding day and the first time we had made love, was in fact the moment Edward had taken the decisive step on his way to ruin.

I was his poison, his heroin, embracing him into a sweet, distorted reality while his life was crumbling away around him before leaving him destitute, alone and sucked dry as if he had been the victim of a vampire.

I was the worst thing that could ever have happened to him.

Somehow during this dark epiphany I had made it back into the house and in the direction of the living room where the first thing my mind registered was the ringing of the phone.

Rose.

I knew I was in no state to answer right now. If I did, it would take Rosalie no longer than a second to put two and two together and come up with some sort of plan to counter this latest attack.

I couldn't deal with that right now.

I was too tired to fight.

I gave myself five minutes to push what had happened to some back alley of my mind and compose myself so that I sounded somewhere close to normal when I called her back.

"Bella!" She sounded relieved when she picked up after the first ring. "Where the hell were you babe? I was beginning to worry!"

"I was…erm….having a human moment."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I could almost see Rose rolling her eyes at the telephone.

"Toilet," I clarified.

"If you were doing number two then why didn't you just say so?" she asked, sounding as if it were the most normal thing in the world to share every detail of your bowel movements with the rest of the world. "This is just confusing the hell out of me and making me have a conversation about poop when there are much more important matters to discus."

"Like?" I chuckled, glad about the distraction the conversation provided. The pain was still there and it was still crushing and overpowering, but Rose's words had enabled me to push it back to be dealt with at a later time and fake it through our conversation. If anything I had become a pro at faking normalcy lately.

"Like when in the world you are going to get that pretty little but of yours down here so I can get you all dolled up for tonight? It sounds like you were having another one of your sulk-sessions over there…." she lectured in a mock annoyed tone.

"I was just leaving before you called," I lied. "I could have been there by now if you didn't think it necessary to treat me like a petulant child."

"Then stop acting like one!" Rose giggled. "And get your butt here before I come and get you because if I do I'll make you wear those nine inch stilettos Alice bought you."

"You wouldn't dare!" I hissed, trying to find out where Alice had hidden those death traps.

"Try me," she quipped amidst the sound of car keys dangling in the distance.

"Give me five minutes," I panted, running through the house to grab a purse and chuck everything I might need for the rest of the evening in it.

"I thought so," Rose chuckled. "Drive safely."

My more somber thoughts started to reemerge almost the second I broke the connection and I realized I had to get the hell out of the house before things turned from bad to worse.

Thankful that Libby was at Vanessa's and Masen was at Rose's, I managed to grab my stuff and get out of the door in five minutes flat. I probably looked like I'd just wandered out of some dumpster, but I figured since I was heading over to Rose's to get 'prettified' I wouldn't need to do any primping of my own anyway. With Rose taking matters in her own hands and insisting on providing me with anything I might need for the night, my keys and wallet, stuffed into the first purse I could find, and a coat sufficed.

I cranked the stereo system up to 'are you nuts' as I drove the short distance, trying to sing along to what music I recognized and focusing on the lyrics of those I didn't to keep myself from going nuts again. I was just about to admit to myself that I was doing a pretty damn good job at coping and hiding what was going on beneath the surface when that damn Kate Nash song came on again.

"_My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations, and I know that I should let go but I can't."_

I remembered listening to this same song a couple of months ago and thinking I would never find myself in a situations that apparently this girl had landed herself in.

How wrong could I have been…..

By now the tears were unstoppable as the chorus seemed to be repeating itself over and over again just to taunt me. I too was holding onto the foundations of what I had once reckoned was a pretty sturdy building; the building that Edward and I had created for ourselves – our love, our live together – but, like the girl in the song, I too knew that it would be better to let go, even if it would break my heart.

Sure, the girl in the song didn't exactly seem to be so heartbroken over ending her relationship, but that didn't make that part of the chorus any less applicable to my own situation, or the truth of the words any less evident.

I knew that I should let go.

But could I?

I almost flew out of the car the moment I had parked it, slowing down to a half jog when I got to the entrance of the building so that people wouldn't think I'd gone completely mad. Of course in my haste to get in I forgot to watch out for the fancy marble threshold that had been my waterloo several times already, my open purse hitting the floor even before I did.

The damage to my own self didn't appear to be that bad on first inspection. I was sure my knees would turn purple in a couple of hours but I didn't have any cuts or scrapes that would incur the wrath of Rose.

Thank God.

The same thing couldn't be said about my purse. Of course I had managed to make it land right so that all its contents were scattered all over the lobby like rice at a freaking wedding.

Fuck. This was just what I needed.

Why couldn't I do anything right?

"Miss Bella?" I saw the pristine black leather of the doorman's shoes approach as he carefully slalomed around the candy wrappers, lifesavers and tampons that littered his normally so clean and tidy workspace.

"Good afternoon, Sammy," I answered in a shaky voice as I tried to sit up.

"Are you okay, miss Bella?" Sammy asked as he helped me pick up my things again.

"I-I…." My body was shaking with poorly contained sobs which made it damn hard for me to speak, let alone make sense. "I'm fine," I finally managed.

"Are you sure?" he kept on. "Should I call Miss Rosalie and have her come get you?"

"No, that won't be necessary," I sighed, the image of how Rose would react if she found me in this kind of state giving me just the push I needed to snap back into robot-mode. "I'll be fine." I was trying to convince myself just as hard as I was trying to convince the man in front of me. "I've just had a pretty lousy day. I'll be as good as new once I've splashed some cold water onto my face."

"You'd better use the tab in the communal cloakroom," Sammy suggested. "Miss Rose will not accept your explanation if she sees you like this…."

Damn! Even the doorman knew me for the crappy liar I was and I kind of had my hopes vested in him. If he didn't believe my explanation there was no way in hell Rose would.

"Thank you," I said with a smile, briefly touching my hand to his.

"Any time, miss," he nodded, the look on his face clearly conveying his ongoing concern.

The shock of cold water on my face did make me feel better. It was the only thing I could do to make me snap out of the downward spiral I had found myself in ever since Irina had showed up on my doorstep.

I felt much better when I finally entered the elevator and pushed the button for Rose's floor while shooting another look of gratitude in Sammy's direction.

"Good God Bella!" Rose cried as soon as she spotted me. "What the fuck happened to you?"

"Rose," I hissed. "Might I remind you that there are currently two little boys who are just now picking up linguistic skills playing a few feet away from us? I don't have the slightest desire to have my little boy say 'fuck' before he's even learned how to say mommy properly."

"Relax," she snorted, rolling her eyes at me. "Charlie is glued to the television screen watching one of his _Bob the Builder_ videos and Masen is out like a light. I guess all of his efforts to push a triangular block through a round hole before trying to eat said nasty triangular block to punish it for not fitting through the hole really did him in." She narrowed her eyes, once again zoning into me. "Now, to get back to the matter at hand: what the hell is going on Bella? You look like someone just told you the world was coming to an end!"

How right she was. If she had ever managed to develop the patience to sit down and write something she could have been the next Nostradamus. The only thing she was wrong about was that it wasn't the world as a whole that was going to end, it was my world.

"It's nothing, Rose," I sighed, knowing I wasn't going to get out of this so easily. "I had a rough day."

"At work?" she smirked. "What is it? Has Jane found something new to pester you with now that her efforts to turn the dean against you appear to be fruitless?"

"Something like that, yes," I nodded, walking into the apartment and sagging down into the nearest lounge chair.

"Oh no, you're not," Rose growled, yanking me out of the chair almost before my backside had even made contact with the cushions. "With you looking like you've spend the last three days on an Amy Winehouse-style bender I'm going to need every minute between now and seven thirty to get you presentable."

"But I really need to sit down for a minute," I protested, shooting a final longing gaze on the living room set up before Rose dragged me to her bedroom and pushed me down on the seat in front of her vanity.

"Then rest assured, "my evil sister in law replied with a smug smile. "You get to sit all afternoon while I make you look pretty."

"You're as bad as Alice," I grumbled under my breath. As little as I was looking forward to this primping session, at least it would take Rose's attention off other things for the majority of the time I would spend in this house.

"And you're the greatest buzz kill that ever lived," Rose retorted. "Just let me have my fun. I hardly get to do this anymore…..which reminds me: have you heard from the pixie lately?"

"E-Edward is meeting her today," I sighed, his name coming from my lips with some difficulty. "Or better said: he's going over to corner her and force her to talk to him."

After everything that happened in Chicago Alice had buried herself even further into her work, emerging only to eat and sleep before dashing back out of her apartment to work some more. Both Edward and I had tried scores of times to get her to sit down and talk to us about what had really happened when she and Jasper broke up, but it appeared like she was avoiding us as well as the new reality she found herself in.

Even stranger was the fact that Jasper had seemed to vanish into thin air ever since he left had Chicago. I had tried calling him ever since that night, but all I got was his voicemail, and he never replied to any of the messages I left. I had given up trying to reach him in the end, partly because his mailbox was full and partly because I gave up hope of reaching him, at least for the time being.

I was even more surprised when I got a call from Zafrina a couple of says back asking me if I knew why Jasper had quit his job all of a sudden. Apparently he had called Aro only days before the start of Spring Tterm to announce he wasn't coming back and that he would drop by to pick up his things in a couple of weeks. As much as she had loved to see Aro's reaction to the news, even Zafrina had to admit that it had made her nervous. It was like he was severing all his ties and disappearing into thin air for God knew how long.

"Good luck to Edward!" Rose snorted. "I swear the little thing makes up for every inch she misses in height by being as stubborn as any mule I've ever seen. If she doesn't want to talk to him, she isn't gonna, not even if he flashes a hot poker in front of her face or threatens to burn all her clothes."

"Edward is as stubborn as she is," I said, forcing a smile. "If anyone is going to get through to her, he is."

"What about her parents?"

"They are as powerless as we are," I muttered. "Esme has spoken to her a few times, but she simply refuses to discuss Jasper and what happened. She's in denial."

"Sound familiar?" Rose smirked.

"I'm not that bad, thank you very much," I huffed.

"So how are things going with the evil stick-figure who has no soul?" Rose asked as she tried to drag a way too fine comb through my hair. "Any new run-ins you want to run by me?"

"No." It was the second time that day that I lied to her about what happened. "Just the usual."

"You really should look into suing the bitch, you know," Rose remarked, venting her anger on my hair. "If she isn't the archetype of a scary stalker then who is? What does she have to do for you to start taking action? Boil your rabbit? Dye her hair and change her name to Glenn Close?"

"I have looked into it," I mumbled, "but she's smart enough to keep her 'appearances' restricted to public places. I can't very well sue her just because she shops at the same supermarket as I do or because she likes to visit her second cousin twice removed who works at the university – and believe me, I've checked." I knew that if I added what happened today to the list I would probably have a case. Irina might say that she was merely dropping by to voice her concern about my husband's career but added with the rest of the things she had been doing I might have a case if I wanted it to get that far.

But did I want to?

Did it have a point to fight her off when the very person we were fighting about would be better off if I just gave up and let her have her triumph?

"Bells?" Rose tapped my head with the flat end of the comb. "Did you hear anything I have been saying just now?"

"Sorry," I muttered.

"Don't stress," she sighed, placing the brush back on the vanity before resting both her hands on my shoulders and looking at me through the mirror glass. "Please Bella, let it all go, just for one night. Have some fun, enjoy the Opera and the company of your husband. God knows the two of you need some R&R."

"I wish….."

"Just do it," Rose urged, tightening her hold on my shoulders. "You worry too much sometimes and I have to admit that I'm scared of what's going on in that head of yours half the time." She shook her head, a sad smile on her lips as she continued. "I swear…both of you….you're your own worst enemies some time. You love each other to death but you both worry too much about deserving one another and ruining each other's lives. Just accept the fact that the two of you are made for each other and be happy for once! You've earned it!"

"I'll try," I half whispered, knowing I was adding yet another lie to the vast amount that had already left my mouth. Rose was a lovely woman but her way of looking at the world couldn't be more different than mine. I knew that if I talked to her about my problems she would try to understand and react in the same way she had been all along: urging me to fight. It had always been the way Rose dealt with troubles when they crossed her path. She grabbed them by the balls and kicked them until they went away. I was different though…I had never learned how to fight and even when I did, it was always a halfhearted attempt.

"Please Bella," she pleaded. "Please do. You owe it to Edward and the kids to try and make this right. Talk to him about it…."

"I will," I interrupted her.

If only she knew how much better off Edward would be if I walked away….

"There!" I almost jumped as Rose put the finishing touches on my hair and made an effort to smile at me. "Now let's get you into your dress pronto. Edward is going to be here in fifteen minutes and we still have lingerie, clothes and shoes to do."

"Oh goody," I sighed, knowing how riled up Rose could get over shoes and panties. No doubt she had something in mind that would be sexy rather than comfortable.

"A little more enthusiasm wouldn't kill you, Bella," Rose replied with a scowl, yanking the zipper of the garment bag holding my dress down a little bit too briskly causing the thing to break. "I've done my best to find something you would like and all."

"Sorry," I apologized, catching the deep purple strapless bra and panty set she threw at me. "It's just that I'm not really looking forward to tonight."

"I thought you liked the Opera," Rose questioned, still trying to get the broken zipper to cooperate. "According to Alice you went all weepy when Edward gave you the tickets."

"I do," I replied with a deep sigh, "but with everything that's been going on I would much rather spend a quiet night at home than being out in the open like this. After all….you'll never know who we might run into."

"Promise me you'll call me whenever the bitch shows up," she half-growled, finally getting the zipper all the way down to the bottom. "I could do with a little hand to hand combat. My ju-jitsu skills have gotten way too damn rusty ever since I had Charlie."

"I'll keep that in mind," I chuckled, smiling in spite of the heavy feelings that were still weighing down on me as I disappeared into the bathroom to change.

It was like the bucket had finally taken the last drop it could carry and was starting to slowly spill over. I knew it would be only a matter of time before the whole damn bucket would burst and water would start spilling out everywhere, but it was like I was powerless to do anything about it but hope it wouldn't happen in front of anyone I knew.

I had put my family through so much already. There was no point in hurting them more.

For now all I could do was try to keep it together for as long as possible, especially for the night that lay ahead of us, and use my free day tomorrow to recuperate and come up with a plan.

God knew I needed a plan.

"Are you doing okay in there?" Rose's voice sounded through the door. "I mean…I know it's a big bathroom and all, but taking five minutes just to pull on your underwear seems bloody long."

"Hold your damn horses!" I huffed, opening the door a crack to see Rose impatiently pacing the room while biting her nails. "Isn't a girl allowed to get some time to think?" Rose's appearance had me a bit startled actually. Rose was known to keep her cool, even under the most dire pressure and she never – not ever – would do anything to ruin the expensive manicures she got weekly at the nail salon down the road. "But forget my state of mind…..are _you_ okay?"

"What?" she looked up, her eyes scanning my face before a slight blush crept onto her cheeks and she started fighting with the garment bag while muttering her reply. "Of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be? I was just a little nervous…yes….nervous that you're not going to like the dress I picked out. It's been a while since I got to pick an outfit for you and…I was afraid I'd lost my touch."

"Let's see then," I replied, forcing another smile on my face as I walked up beside her. I knew she was lying. Clearly there was something going on and it had something to do with me, by the looks of it. My attention was soon caught by the purple fabric exposed at Rose stripped away the garment bag though. "Fuck! The dress looks amazing! Why on earth did you doubt that?"

"I dunno," she shrugged, knowing as well as I did that any doubts about this particular dress would have been ridiculous.

Because it _was_ amazing.

It looked like a modernized version of a gown worn by a Grecian goddess. The lines were classic, but the exposed back and right shoulder put it right in the twenty-first century. The gold tone braiding and scattered gemstones completed the look without being too flashy or vulgar.

"You really did it!" I gasped, feeling a little bit better about tonight if it meant I got to wear that. I could feel certain about myself in that.

"Edward's such a great guy, you know," Rose mused as she helped me into the dress. "I know how you've always wanted to go to the Opera but never wanted to go alone. It's so great that you can share these things with him."

"It is," I croaked.

"He understands you, Bella," she continued "Or at least he tries."

"I know."

"But you've gotta help him out a little." Her hands were back on my shoulders, squeezing gently as she went on. "Throw him a bone every now and then…share stuff….That's what marriage is all about."

"I know."

'Then why the fuck are you still being stubborn?" Rose asked. "I know it's hard adjusting to live as a couple when you've been used to dealing with things on your own, but that's not all of it, isn't it?"

"Can we not do this now?" I pleaded, a traitor tear slipping from the corner of my eye. "Edward is about to get here and if I break down now you're never going to get my makeup fixed in time for the show."

"Tomorrow then," she sighed, the sternness ion both her eyes and her voice telling me that there would be no escaping 'the talk' tomorrow.

"Fine." I patted her hand as the doorbell sounded.

Edward had arrived.

"Just have some fun tonight, Bella," she repeated her words from earlier. "Try and remember why you fell in love with the guy in the first place. Remember why you belong together, not what is trying to drive you apart."

"I'll try."

"And while you're at it…."a wicked grin appeared on her face. "You might want to put that lingerie to good use. It would be a shame if it remained unseen."

"I'll see what I can do," I replied, unable to quite suppress the bitterness her words evoked.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she sang, pushing me in the direction of the door.

"And what does that exclude?' I smirked. "Bestiality?"

"Eww!" she huffed. "Is that the thanks I'm getting for making you look all pretty?"

"I'm sorry," I chuckled, rising to tiptoe to plant a sloppy kiss on her cheeks. "Love ya, Rosie!"

"You really are Emmett's sister, aren't you," she grumbled, wrapping a white pashmina scarf around my shoulders while simultaneously wiping her cheek on her shoulder. "It's a good thing Edward has hired a town car that will drop you off right in front of the damn building otherwise you'd freeze to death."

"And whose fault is that?" I quipped, craning my eyebrow.

"Yours," she chuckled. "You told me to make you look pretty." She pushed me into the foyer, swatting my rear as she took her leave. "Now go greet your husband. I bet he's more nervous than a bride of the eve of her wedding."

**xXx**

Even in spite of myself I couldn't help but feel excited when the swanky town car Edward had hired for tonight pulled up in front of the Lincoln Center. As broken, tired and dirty as I felt, this was a moment I had been looking forward to all my life. Rose had been right: I had wanted to see a live performance of an opera for ages and now that the moment had finally come a feeling of giddiness spread through me.

"Are you excited love?" Edward chuckled as I almost dragged him towards the brightly illuminated and – from the outside – almost cozy looking Metropolitan Opera House.

I almost forgot everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks when I saw him leaning against the doorframe of Rose and Emmett's apartment, looking tired but also very, very handsome in his tux and the write scarf he wore to keep his neck warm against the brutal New York winter.

The look on his face when his eyes met mine had been enough to undo a lot of harm Irina had done today. I had known that at least in that moment he wanted me and thought me desirable enough to take me out for a night on the town.

At least for now.

"Bella?" he repeated, "earth to Bella!" He waved a hand in front of my face, laughing as he no doubt mistook my silence for awe for the building we had just entered.

I had to admit. It was a good guess.

"Dear lord," I muttered. "I feel like I've walked into another world!"

"It does have that effect, I agree," he mused, his vibrant green eyes twinkling as he held his arm out for me. "Well, then, my lady, my love, would you allow me to escort you to your seat?"

"It would be my pleasure," I smiled, linking my arm with his and trusting his ability to get me through this without letting me make a fool of myself – and him.

As cozy and welcoming as the building had looked from the outside, daunting and awe inspiring would be better words to describe the high ceilings and plush interiors on the inside. It was a place fit for royalty. It was like the Gods of the Opera – Pavarotti, Callas, Caruso and all those other long gone heroes – could descend upon us at any minute. I was glad now that I had let Rose have her way with me all afternoon because at least it would make me fit in with the rest of the attendees of tonight performance, even though I still felt horribly out of place.

You could spot them from a mile's distance; the people who 'belonged' here and the 'tourists', the main difference between the two being the ease with which the former moved through the building and the awe and slight fear on the faces of the latter.

There was no doubt in my mind to which of the two I belonged as Edward, clearly belonging to the first group, guided me through the masses.

We settled into our seats – arguably the best seats in the house – and chatted until the lights went down, Edward telling me stories about past performances he has seen as I could feel myself getting slightly more at ease with my surroundings. We weren't even half an hour into the performance when the striking resemblance of the story playing out in front of me to my own life hit me like a ton of bricks.

The differences between our lifestyles and expectations were as different as Pinkerton and Butterfly's were in the Opera. Edward was like the bon-vivant, though reformed, who had been looking to settle down with someone outside his own atmosphere, though he had no idea of how long he was going to last before getting bored, whereas I had been as naïve and unworldly as Butterfly, following my heart without thinking about the consequences.

What if Irina had been right after all? What if Edward's feelings for me were – like Pinkerton's – born out of some sort of a morbid curiosity for a different lifestyle than genuine love?

What if – like Butterfly – I had been nothing but a passing fancy?

True, unlike Pinkerton Edward had far too much moral fiber to abandon me for a bride better suited to his situation in life and his aspirations for the future. Edward would stick it out with me, even if his feelings would slowly wane and all that would be left of our once great love was the physical proof in the form of our children.

Like my parents.

No.

I would never be like my parents. I would never allow myself to end up in a marriage were both parties could not love or respect the other. I would not do that to me or to him and most certainly not to my children.

It was almost painful to see Butterfly happy when you knew the heartbreak that awaited her. She had been so in love with Pinkerton that she had been blind to his defects, blind to the fact that he married her not because he loved her and wanted to be with her but because he needed something to do to pass the time while he was in Japan.

She was nothing but a disposable item to him.

Disposable…..just like Edward had described the women of his past.

"Do you want to take a walk around the venue?" I had been so lost in thoughts and song that I hadn't even noticed the lights coming on for intermission, the first act having ended in a song of love.

Bitter, tainted love.

"W-what?" I stammered.

"I was asking if you wanted to take a walk with me," he chuckled, completely unaware of my new level of understanding. "I'm not used to sitting in one position for so long anymore. I can feel it in my bones. I must be getting old!"

"Ha!" I snorted, calming myself a little before I continued. "Or it's because you're working too hard and your body is protesting?"

"That must be it, love," he mused, offering me his hand to help me up.

"Do you have to work again this week?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I have the afternoon shift for tomorrow. I tried to get out of it but you know House…..I'm sorry I've been MIA so much."

"Don't worry," I said, trying to smile as we walked around the foyer, dodging people standing around with drinks and chatting animatedly about the performance.

"So how did you like the first act?" Edward asked, trying to change the subject. "I noticed you didn't blink more than a handful times throughout."

"You are perceptive," I mused, trying to come up with an acceptable explanation for my behavior. "And I loved it, even in spite of the drama we know awaits poor Butterfly."

"Yes," his face turned serious. "Poor Butterfly…..But don't you think she was a little naive?"

"How so?" I asked, my step faltering as we made our way back to our box. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like whatever Edward was going to say next.

"There were warning signs all around her," he started, brushing his hand through his hair in a nervous gesture. "Hell, even her uncle warned her about it and told her not to give up everything she knew, everyone she knew, for something so strange and foreign to her she had no way of knowing where she was going to end up."

"But she loved him," I yelled indignantly. What the fuck was he saying? Didn't he realize how he was criticizing my decision to break with my mother by criticizing Butterfly? Did he think I had made a mistake in doing so? Did he think I should have given in to my mom, aborted Libby and acted like we never happened? "She trusted him and he betrayed her! She couldn't have known how big of an asshole he was?"

"There's no need to raise your voice, love," Edward warned, shooting apologetic glances at the people around us who seemed shocked to hear such vulgar words in a hallowed place like this. "And no, I don't think she is to blame, just that she might have been more careful."

"She. Is. Not. To. Blame," I hissed, grasping the railing tightly to get rid of some of my frustrations as the curtain rose for the second act. I would deal with my husband and his absurd notions in the next intermission.

Sadness rolled in during the second act. With Pinkerton back in America and virtually no word being heard from him, Butterfly was left all alone and abandoned, having only her child, her maid and the occasional visits of Sharpless, the American consul to keep her company. But still she hoped…

I knew all too well how she was feeling.

The audience wasn't fooled when Butterly's hope seemed to be rewarded by the end of the act. Pinkerton was returning and – as far as Butterfly was concerned – we seemed to be headed for a happy ending.

The audience had it easy though….We had heard both sides of the story. We knew just how deep Pinkerton's deception ran and how much of an asshole he really was. It would be only a matter of time now before he showed up with his new American wife to shatter Butterfly's wings and plunge a knife deep inside her loving heart.

The intermission between the second and third act was tense, both of us still riling from our previous argument and neither of us wanting to budge. So we sat there, in utter silence, both strung tight as a bow, until the lights went down again for the final stage.

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing freely and plentifully as Butterfly learned of Pinkerton's deception and realized he will now come for her little boy, his son. It was only when I saw Butterfly plunge a knife into her own heart, thus ending her sorrow, that calmness settled back over me again, and with it a sudden clearness of mind that had been sneaking up on me a lot today.

He was going to leave me.

It would be a matter of time before he did.

Like Butterfly I had been blind to the deception that had been going on all around me – a deception I had fully committed myself to. But unlike Butterfly I had the power and strength to do the right thing before my misery consumed me.

It would be best for me but also for Edward.

Like Butterfly I could take myself out of the equation to allow the man I loved the chance of a happiness that would be more satisfactory than the life he could ever live with me. I would never do it as drastically as she had, of course. Unlike her I could never put my children through knowing that their mother didn't love them enough to live for them, or stand by to see them raised by another woman.

No, I would take them with me. We would disappear from Edwards's life to give him the opportunity to blossom into the man he was destined to be. It would be hard on both of us and the kids, but in time it would be for the best.

It would be as if he had never met me.

A clean break.

"What is going on in that head of yours?" Edward sighed as I felt his hot breath fan over my face with his whispered remark. "Sometimes I wish I could read minds….just to know what you were thinking."

"I…I wasn't thinking anything…." I stammered. "It was Butterfly's end that moved me."

"Yes," he replied sadly, "Butterflies end is heartbreaking." He fidgeted with the button of his jacket. "And to think it could have all been prevented if Butterfly had been more cautious and Pinkerton had stuck to his own way of live."

"What?" I stammered, wondering if I had heard it correctly. Was Edward saying that he agreed that men should never venture outside their own social circle when looking for a mate? Had he already come to the same conclusion as I had? Even after accusing me of being naïve?

"I'm saying that if Pinkerton had had the common decency to keep it in his pants until he met an American woman whom he could marry everyone might have ended up happy. Butterfly would have taken another husband and have had the support of her family, Pinkerton would have found peace with his wife and none of the death and destruction would have happened….."

Was that what had happened in our life? Had our marriage simply been a case of wanting to do the right thing? Would Edward have allowed me back in his life if Libby hadn't been there?

But then again…he had truly loved me. Of that I was certain. Edward was a good actor, but not even he could be so convincing as to fool everyone around us into believing he was madly and deeply in love with me.

No, like with me the truth must have hit him afterwards.

Perhaps it had been when he had seen how much damage I was doing to his chances of securing the fellowship.

Perhaps it was when he realized how much better suited someone like Irina was for him.

I sighed. It didn't matter. What mattered now was what we were going to do now that we had both realized our relationship had reached its end.

"Let's get out of here," Edward suggested, his lips pursed into a tight line as he took my hand and led me through the masses.

"Yes," I nodded, the reaction of my body to the closeness of his sparking a tiny shimmer of hope inside of me.

Maybe we could salvage the castle before it crumbled.

Maybe there was something that we could do…..

"Home?" He turned me so that we were facing each other, the people filing past up on their way towards the exit temporarily forgotten as we stared at each other.

"Yes," I blushed, knowing the implications of 'home'.

"I need you, Bella," he muttered, his hand cupping my face, surrounding me in comfort and warmth and Edward.

"Please." I could barely stand or think with the thunderstorm of emotions raging inside me. Part of me was telling me to run as far and fast as I could and never turn back. To sever our bond before he could convince me to stay. But still…I owed it to him, to our children, to myself even to try one last time.

"Let's go." He started moving towards the exit again, steering me safely through the masses in a tempo akin to a light jog, the town car waiting for us

"We need to talk," he started.

I cringed. "Not now."

"But…"

"Not now," I repeated. "I need to feel….."

His lips crashed to mine before I could even complete my sentence, both of us vigorously attacking each other without caring in the slightest about the driver of the car sitting right in front of us.

Edward only let go of me to pay the driver and usher me into the house but the moment the door was locked behind us his lips were glued to mine again, the fervor of his passion kindling the spark of hope into a flame.

If only we could be as close again as we were in the beginning stages of our relationship – before Irina, before the fellowship, before my new job – I could show him with my body what my mind couldn't grasp right now.

That I loved him.

That I wanted him.

That I would be a hollow shell, going through the motions, without him.

If only he could give me hope…if only I could change myself.

"Edward, please," I gasped, releasing his lips just barely long enough to let him know what I wanted.

"Anything," he breathed, his hands grasping at my flesh with the same desperation I felt.

"…….upstairs," I panted.

"Okay."

I could feel him lift me up and all but sprint up the stairs to our bedroom without ever releasing my lips for a fraction of a moment.

Clothes were discarded in a fiery frenzy, neither of us stopping tot think about what we were doing or where we were going. No questions asked, no feelings shared, just our bodies sinking into the mattress while trying to grasp at something that lay far behind us.

We both cried out as our bodies connected in the most intimate of ways, but this time it wasn't just in pleasure, or lust….not even desperation.

It was in pain…torture.

I wanted to share myself with him, connect with him, welcome him, but I was only kidding myself. Talking him inside of me only showed me just how much of 'us' had been destroyed already. My life had become a ruin and I had to walk away before I withered along with it.

Before it killed me.

"Please," I pleaded, trying to stop him.

"Bella?" He leaned back a bit, confusion and fear battling for dominance on his face.

"I….I can't," I stammered, not knowing how to put into words what had happened today.

"No!" His words weren't so much a reply to mine rather than some sort of howl. "Bella, please….we need this."

"No!" I cried, pushing him away and jolting from the bed like an arrow from a bow. "I can't…." He knew I wasn't talking about the sex, his body having left mine as soon as I had asked him to stop. He must have felt it too, the blind desperations with which we clung together. He, too, must have known it was wrong.

"Then at least talk to me," he pleaded and I noticed tears glistening in the corners of his eyes as he pushed himself off the bed and moved towards me. "We have to find a way to deal with this, Bella…." His hand reached out to me. I could feel it, even with my eyes trained to the floor. "We have to find a way."

A war was raging in my body and in my mind alike. Part of me wanted nothing more than to give in, go to him and make this right again, but another part – the part that had gained the upper hand – knew it would all be in vain. Going to him now would only prolong the inevitable and sharpen the blow when it came.

No. I had to go.

"No." My answer came out as a whisper but I didn't give him the chance to react or ask me to repeat myself before I ran out in search of refuge.

I heard him coming after me as I ran up the stairs to the second floor, my legs thankfully cooperating for once and allowing me to reach the guest bedroom without stumbling or letting him catch up to me.

I locked the door behind me the moment I was in the room and sank to the floor, my back resting against the hardwood door.

"Bella!" I could hear Edward shouting on the other side. "Open the door! Please?"

I had to fight the urge to do as he asked. I wasn't stupid. I knew I needed to talk to him, explain myself to him and work out some arrangement for the kids, but I couldn't do that now. I needed both time and space to strengthen myself before I faced him again.

Cowardly failure that I was.

"Please." His voice sounded desperate, anguished and though it pained me to imagine his handsome features contorted in pain right now, I knew it was all for the best.

He would forget me.

In time.

It would be as if I was never in his life.

Apart from the bloodline we shared through our children it would be as if I never existed.

"Bella!" I could hear his body sinking to the floor on the other side, his hand making a screeching sound as it glided down. "Please…..you have to talk to me….just say something….anything,…let me know you are okay in there."

"Goodbye Edward." I tasted the salt of my own tears as I whispered the words, severing my ties with him as I slid my wedding band of my finger and placed it on the floor next to me, goose bumps covering my naked flesh.

My mind was made up.

Starting tomorrow everything would change.

I would be alone again.

He would be free.

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_**Okay. Let me have it. I can take it (I think). **_

_**Next chapter will be up tomorrow and will have Edwards POV. Please review and feel free to yell at me as much as you want. God knows I deserve it. **_


	25. Broken Hearts

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Due to the enormous amount (a new record for any chapter I've ever written) I was unable to compose a personal reply to each one of them, like I normally do. I hope you don't take offense. **_

_**This chapter continues from the night of heartbreak and will be both in Edwards and Bella's POV. A lot is going to happen below and not all of it will be bad. It will still be tough though…I can't promise sunshine and butterflies just yet even though I hate to make everyone sad. **_

_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

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**Broken Hearts**

_**January 2010**_

"Bella?" I tried one more time as the first rays of sunshine appeared. "Please, love, open the door."

I still couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. Her behavior had been off all evening. I noticed it as soon as I picked her up from Rose's. Something had happened, something she was keeping from me. Something bad. It killed me that she was closing herself off from me yet again. I had sat there, right next to her, for most of the performance, watching the woman I loved fall apart, knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help her now that she would no longer let me. It was something I wouldn't even put my worst enemy through.

If only I could have reached out to her. If I would have been more forceful….

I let out an angry roar as I realized how much of a fool I had truly been. Instead of cherishing her and giving her space to deal with whatever the hell she was wrestling with I had snapped at her over some dumbass matter and – worst of all – started assaulting her the first opportunity I got. I didn't even have the fucking decency to wait until we were alone. No, I basically forced myself on her in front of our driver. I had treated her like a whore when all she needed was kindness and understanding.

Fucking monster.

I had proven once and for all that I was no better than I had been ten years ago. No better than James, Irina and the whole fucking lot of them.

"Bella?"

Silence.

I had known it the moment I felt her freeze up underneath me; I had lost her. It had been my worst fear come to life but something I had been expecting ever since Irina had walked back into my world.

"Bella!" Unable to keep my frustration under wraps any longer I pounded my fist against the door, the pain being almost a comfort to me. It joined the stiffness and numbness of my body from being crouched on the floor against a wooden door wearing next to nothing for God knew how long.

Nothing.

The calm and the silence terrified me because I knew that she was somewhere on the other side of that door but what I didn't know was what kind of state she was in. If only I could have heard her laughing or crying or berating me for the utter prick I was I would have known she was okay. Now I knew nothing. For all I knew she might have smashed her head against the side of the bed when she tore into the room like a tornado, slamming and locking the door right in my face, and was now lying on the floor slowly bleeding to death.

A shock went through my system when an annoying bleeping sound drifted up from downstairs.

No. Not now.

I narrowed my eyes at the stairwell as I fought a reaction that had become like second nature to me. I was determined to ignore my pager no matter what the hell was going on. Bella was more important than work. Bella was more important than anything.

I wished I would have seen that before.

The bleeping sound was soon followed by the muffled sounds of my cell phone going off somewhere in the house, joined only minutes later my the monotone ringing of the house phone.

"Go!" The sound coming from inside the room was muffled but there was no mistaking the desperation that accompanied it.

"No!" I yelled back, a tiny spark of hope igniting at the fact that at least I had gotten a reaction out of her. "Not before you talk to me."

"Go away Edward," she responded. From the sound of it she was right on the other side of the door, only a small layer of wood between us. "Leave me be."

"No." I leaned against the door, determined to not let even the slightest detail of what was going on inside evade me.

"Please go," she pleaded. "I need time. I'm not coming out as long as you're there."

She needed time.

Did that mean that all was not lost? Did that mean that – given time – she could learn to tolerate me again?

Time.

I could give her that. If time was what she needed than I could be patient.

"Okay." I groaned as I tried to rise from my spot on the floor, my whole body protesting against the movement. "I will be back as soon as I can. We _will_ talk when I get back."

There was no reply.

"Be safe, love," I whispered in the direction of the door as I reluctantly removed myself from her, quickly pulling on some clothes while glancing at my pager, the figures 911 blinking up at me.

I sighed, glancing up to the second floor one last time as I made my way down, not pausing other than to pick up my keys and coat as I headed out towards my job, the ever hungry beast that had divulged everything I held dear.

It was going to stop. It had to stop.

"Mr. Cullen?" A voice stopped me as I made to get into my car.

"Mrs. Wilkinson?" I looked back to see the kindly looking elderly lady who lived next door to us standing a couple of feet away, looking mightily uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry to disturb you since you're so clearly in a hurry to get underway," she started, fidgeting in her place, "but I was wondering if your wife is okay…."

"What?" My words came out sharper than I intended and I was already trying to apologize when she stuck up her hand to stop me.

"I'm sorry if I'm sticking my nose into matters that aren't my business but it's just that your wife seemed very upset yesterday when she was accosted by a woman in front of your home and…well…I guess I worried a little…"

"A woman?" My breath hitched as I thought about who it could have been. No…she wouldn't dare…

"She's been hanging out here a lot lately," Mrs. Wilkinson continued. "I've never liked the look of her, all posh and prim and so smug about her own appearance…."

"Irina!" I hissed, an all consuming anger ripping through me. Of course, I should have known she had something to do with this. I tried to calm myself down a little before I spoke again, not wanting to scare the crap out of the lovely old lady standing before me. "What happened?"

"It was the first time I've seen her approach your wife," she explained, taking a small step back from me. "I hadn't even seen her before I heard the sounds of an argument going on outside…From the looks of it she was trying to intimidate your wife and was doing a pretty good job."

"Thanks!" I growled, knowing I needed to get the hell out of here, not just because the hospital needed me, but also because I was going to commit a felony or – at the very least – scare an old woman to death if I continued standing here listening to her explanation about the meeting that had probably caused my wife to react the way she had last night.

I had to go to work, find Irina and slowly torture the life out of her.

Part of me wanted to get back in the house and confront Bella with what I had learned. It was the part of me that was outraged that she had kept this from me. From what Mrs. Wilkinson had told me I gathered that this wasn't the first time Irina had accosted Bella in some way but I was going to make damn sure that it would be the last. As soon as Bella had given me the explanation I was going to make damn sure I was going to get I would call my lawyer and get a restraining order in place. This couldn't go on like this.

As much as I wanted to start fixing things and getting answers, though, I knew it would be pointless to expect anything from Bella right now. If I knew my wife like I thought I did – which I was very much starting to doubt, by the way – she would still be in the guest bedroom with the door locked and as angry as I was right now, I wasn't about to force my way in.

I would give her time. Not much, but a couple of hours at least to get herself sorted out and calmed down. As soon as whatever crisis House needed my assistance in was averted, I was going to walk back into the house, demand that she sit down and explain herself to me and work out some way with her to fix this almighty mess we had landed ourselves in.

This couldn't go on. We had to put a stop to whatever the fuck was going on before there wouldn't be a 'we' anymore to fix this.

I would not let that happen. I would rather _die_ than let that happen.

With a last look at the house and a deep sigh I finally stepped inside my car and drove off to the hospital, trying to get back into 'Doctor Cullen mode' before I scare the shit out of the hospital staff as well. I saw Garrett storming out of the main entrance as I reached the hospital, a murderous glare on his face.

"Garrett?" He stopped abruptly, growling at me as if he didn't quite know yet if I were a friend or a foe, before some kind of understanding dawned on his face.

"So I guess the bastard called you in as soon as he realized I wouldn't do his bidding anymore," he snarled, his hands balled up into fists at his side.

"What the fuck is going on?" I yelled back. "Why are you out here when apparently there's some fucking emergency going on?"

"Ask House," he hissed, narrowing his eyes at me. "And while your at it; ask yourself if you want to be working for a man like him."

What the fuck?

Before I could ask him anything else he had stormed off again, people parting like the Red Sea to let him through as he walked towards his car.

Strange. He wasn't even supposed to be here tonight. Kate and Irina had the graveyard shift last night. But if he had been called in like me because of some kind of emergency – though the quietness of the hospital made me doubt it – what the hell was he doing outside?

What had House done now?

Any chance of there being some kind of silent emergency evaporated as I entered the hospital, the inside being as quiet and virtually empty as the outside. I groaned to myself as I realized that House had lied to me. And it couldn't have been at a worse moment.

My anger resurfaced as the elevator rose to the floors that occupied the surgical department. How dare that bastard of a boss make up some kind of emergency just to see if I would come rushing to kiss his ass like the obedient lap dog he held me for? What kind of sick fuck was I because I did?

"House!" I growled, not caring about rules or codes of conduct as I threw open the door to his office.

Deserted.

"Where the hell is he?" I barked at his secretary, the woman looking slightly afraid – a change from the usual smugness – as I towered over her.

"D-didn't he tell you?" she stammered. "H-he's upstairs, trying to sort out the mess……"

"What mess?" I demanded, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to make sense of what the woman was saying.

"Ah, doctor Cullen, I've been expecting you," House's voice sounded from the doorway to the outer office. "Now if you'd be so kind as to stop scaring my poor secretary and join me in my office I'll explain."

"You've got then seconds before I walk," I growled, following him and taking a seat.

"Ohhh, feisty!" he grinned. "But then again…it seems to be all the rage these days."

"Explain," I urged, tapping my finger against the glass of my watch.

He sighed, suddenly looking like a real doctor for a change as he turned serious, his frame slumped forward as he leaned over his desk. "Doctor Denali almost killed a patient last night when she cut his LVAD wire. I've been on the phone with UNOS to try get them to give the go ahead for the operation even though they pretty much want to sue the hell out of us right now while keeping the powers that be from demanding too much blood in retaliantion. I can't say I blame them tough. I think you can imagine what this will do to the hospital's reputation. We could lose our accreditation over this…."

"What?" My fist slammed down on the table as I processed his words. "How the hell did this happen? Kate would never do something as stupid as that!"

"Apparently the Pussy Squad got into some kind of tiff about something. They must have both been PMS-ing like crazy or something…."

"Impossible," I huffed. I couldn't believe Kate would be stupid enough to throw away her career like that. She might have hated Irina but I had a hard time believing she would let the bitch get under her skin. She was stronger than that.

Stronger than me.

"You'd think that, huh?" House nodded. "If I had known it would end up like this…." He shook his head and as I looked at him I saw a much older man than I used to see. His blue eyes still piercing, but the smugness and amusement that usually shone in them gone. He knew he had been to blame for this.

So it was true. Kate had really cut an LVAD wire, thereby sending the poor guy into acute heart failure. It was something that went against every feeling a doctor should have, against the very oath we took.

First do no harm.

"How?"

"From what I gather some poor schmuck was wheeled into the ER with his heart still beating but his brains splashed all over the place. His AB Negative blood group making him a candidate for two of the more urgent cases we have…."

"Mr. Banner," I muttered.

"Yes, he was one of the two," House nodded. "The other one being a patient of Doctor Romanova's."

I sighed, knowing how close Kate had gotten to the kindly gentleman and his wife ever since she took over his case while I was on sick leave. He was one of those patients who had become almost like a family member after a while, especially since he had been in and out of the ICU for as long as we had been here. His health had been rapidly deteriorating over the last couple of weeks. His heart might have been pumping thanks to the machine we had him hooked up to, that didn't mean his body was any less fragile. Every one of us – House included – knew he wasn't going to hold out long without a new heart.

"Apparently Denali thought her patient had more right to the heart and decided to 'speed things up'," House added, both of us startled as the phone on his desk rang.

I tried to make some sense of the one-sided conversation that took place but, since House was doing most of the listening, that was easier said than done. "Great," he finally grinned, his eyes getting some of their smugness back, "thank you very much." He turned to me as he put the receiver down, his fingers tapping on the desk. "It seems we can go ahead with the transplantation after all."

"Banner is getting the heart?"

"Yes," he nodded. "It appears that the good people of UNOS have some wisdom between them after all and they've agreed to not let a good heart go to waste just because they are pissed at us." He rose from his chair, appearing once again as if nothing had happened. "Scrub in, Doctor Cullen. I expect to see you in OR 1 in half an hour."

**xXx**

I called my sister as I made my way over to the scrubbing area, hoping she would pick up and feeling guilty about asking something of her when clearly she was in over her head. It wouldn't keep me from asking this of her though, not after leaving my wife behind in the state she had been in (at least I thought so…).

Our conversation yesterday had been interesting and enlightening to say the least. After many failed attempts I had finally gotten her to open up about what happened with Jasper, a bullet she had been dodging ever since Christmas. It turned out she had returned home to find Jasper and all of his possessions gone without even as much as a note to tell her where. It had crushed every hope my sister might have had at a reconciliation, and it had crushed the poor little pixie along with it.

Watching my sister stumble over the words as she explained to me what had happened before finally breaking down and crying on my shoulder, made me want to kill the bastard who did this to her. Alice had been brought up so sheltered and protected that whenever things like these happened to her, they hit her hard. I wished I could have been there for her, protected her against the world and the evil of men, but I had been wrapped up in my own matters….I had failed her.

I had failed Bella and now I had also failed my sister.

Miserable excuse for a human being.

"Edward?" she yawned.

"You were still sleeping?"

"Of course, you dickhead!" she groaned. "It's nine o clock on a Sunday. Normal people are supposed to be asleep at this hour."

"Sorry for waking you up," I apologized, "but I have a favor to ask."

"Well, ask away." I could almost see her roll her eyes at her phone.

"Could you go over to the house to see if Bella is alright?" I asked. "We had a pretty rough night and I never intended to leave her but something came up and….."

"You chose the job over your wife." Alice finished my sentence for me.

I guess she was right. Even if it made me feel like more of a prick than I had been feeling already. "Basically, yes," I sighed.

"Idiot," she muttered before sighing deeply. "Well, okay. I'll go over to pick up the mess you made. It's not like I have too much on my plate at the moment anyway."

"Thanks, Ally," I sighed. "I owe you one."

"You owe me more than one," she snapped before breaking the connection.

They were just getting everything set up when I finished ridding myself of all bacteria and other nasty stuff from outside the sterilized confines of the Operation Rooms and I watched as they wheeled in the patient. He looked even more frail than he had when I last saw him, no more than a couple of hours ago, but that wasn't so surprising considering what he had gone through over the last couple of hours.

I shook my head, still trying to come to terms with what I had learned about how this man came to be here. As much as I wanted to understand why Kate had snapped (after all, if anyone knew the 'talent' Irina had for getting under people's skins it was me) I couldn't. I could understand how she had wanted to one-up Irina but she should never have done so at the cost of this poor man's health, and maybe even his life.

"Are you going to stand there all day, Doctor Cullen, or do you intend to assist me in giving this man a new heart?" House sneered, his usual sarcasm in place as his piercing blue eyes shimmered at me from across the room.

"Let's get this over with," I grumbled, assuming my place opposite from him.

"Ten blade." House's tone and face were focused as he snatched the blade out of the nurse's hand and made the incision. As much of an asshole as he was outside the OR (and often inside as well), when it came to performing surgery you could easily see how he had made it to the top. He might not be very much of an advocate for his patients or even have any interest in what happened to them once they regained consciousness, he would never back away from the challenge that especially the difficult procedures presented to him. He wanted to be the best and he wanted everyone to know that and stand in awe.

For the first time in years, however, I couldn't let his talent and skill justify the nasty sides of the man in front l

of me though. Not when it had destroyed my life and the lives of almost everyone I held dear.

"Why didn't you ask Irina to scrub in?" I growled, noticing for the first time how similar those two were. Both masters in the mathematics of self gain. Both only interested in skill and difficulty, never in the people behind the procedures. "You'd think she would be clamoring to do the honors."

"She was," House, replied, his concentration never wavering from what his hands were doing, "but the Board stepped in. They think Doctor Romanova isn't as squeaky clean in this case as she is picturing herself to be."

"And you think otherwise?" The people around us looked startled as I all but yelled at my boss in the middle of an OR. It was _not done_. It was like attacking the emperor in his own palace.

"I don't know," he shrugged as if none of this concerned him, "I did think she deserved a cookie for being good though."

"You make me sick," I hissed, shaking my head while trying to put my focus back on the task at hand, my resolve more clear than ever. A slight flutter in the gallery didn't escape my notice however and, as I looked up, I could just see Irina's retreating form standing out against the light of the open door.

The operation was tense. Mr. Banner, being barely stable enough to be operated in the first place, crashed twice before we were able to put the new heart in place and – especially that last time – it was hard to bring him back. We did though, and, as unstable as he still was, we were able to send him off to _Recovery_ alive and with better prospects than he had going in.

"Good work, Doctor Cullen," House grinned as we made our way back to the scrubbing area to clean ourselves up. "We may be able to make a decent heart surgeon out of you yet!"

"I quit." The words were out of my mouth before I even realized, but they felt damn good none the less.

"What?" House looked as if someone had just kicked his puppy, his eyes nearly falling out of their sockets as he gaped at me.

"Garrett was right in everything he said to me earlier," I added. "If working at this hospital means I have to become like you – or run even the risk of doing so - then I want to stay as far away from this place as I can. Give your damn fellowship to Irina…she's worked hard enough to get there, even if it was at the cost of every single one of the students you were supposed to be taking care off." I let out a humorless snort, shaking my head at him as I said my final words. "The two of you deserve each other."

I didn't give him the satisfaction of presenting me with one of his witty comebacks but turned to leave before he registered my words.

I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my lab coat as I made my way to the locker room, the letters on the screen indicating that I had one new text message. I was unable to suppress a disappointed sight when I saw it was from Alice.

_Please call me._

I dialed the number as I threw the stuff from my locker in an empty cardboard box I had found. She picked up on the first ring.

"How is she doing All?"

"I wouldn't know…." My sister's voice sounded hesitant as she answered me.

"Why the hell not?" I growled in the receiver. "Didn't you go over?"

"I did…." She stammered.

"Then what the hell is going on?" I dragged my hand through my messy hair, accidentally pushing the box from the bench it had been resting on in the process.

"She wasn't there, Edward," Alice muttered.

"What do you mean 'she wasn't there'," I snapped. "Did you look for her?"

"Of course I did, you numbnut!" she spat back. "What do you think I am? Stupid? The damn house was empty, okay?"

"What?" I gasped, knowing she must have planned this all along. "Did she….did she take anything with her?"

"I don't know," Alice replied in a timid voice. "I tried calling Rose to see if she was there to pick up the kids but there was no reply…..What the hell is going on Edward?"

"I think she left me," I whispered, sagging down onto the floor in a pile.

"What?" she yelled and I could picture her, a solid 4'10" of confusion, "It can't be…"

"It's true."

There was a long pause before she replied. "I'm sorry Edward," Alice answered and I could hear she was crying. "I didn't know it was such a big deal. If I had I would never have….."

"It's okay." I somehow managed to find the words to console my sister. "Look, I have to go….I have to find her." I broke the connection almost immediately, kicking the half filled box in a corner and fishing for my keys. I didn't bother making any more calls as I ran out of the hospital in my scrubs, stopping only when I had reached my Volvo. I Bella would never pick up if she had decided to leave me.

No. I would have to confront her directly if I wanted to have any hope of saving my marriage.

"I will fix this," I growled at no one in particular as I tore out of the garage and headed in the direction of the Upper East Side. If Alice had been right and the house had been empty there could be only one other place she would go – at least, if I wanted to push away the terrifying though that she had just disappeared.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen.**

"I'm doing the right thing." I kept repeating this same mantra as I stashed some essentials into a suitcase, not caring if they were color coordinated or even slightly matching since where I would be going there would be no Alice to provide a critical eye.

I had forged my plan in the black of the night, knowing I needed to get away from all of this, to get away from him, but not knowing how I would manage. The sound of Edward's pager going off somewhere in the house, followed by just about every phone we had had been like sweet music to my ears – for once.

I felt like the worst kind of human being when I used Edward's sense of duty and his inability to refuse me against him.

I had to.

I knew he wouldn't even have thought about leaving his spot in front of my door otherwise. He would just have sat guard outside the room until I decided to come out, waiting patiently for whatever would come at him.

I couldn't face him, coward that I was. I had made up my mind and was more resolved than ever, but I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him. I couldn't see his reaction for fear of what I would see.

Pain….or would it be relief?

Satisfied that I had packed enough for myself to keep me going for at least a week I moved onto Libby's room and Masen's after that. I tried not to think about what I was doing. I tried not to think about how Edward would react when he found out I had taken the kids with me. I hoped that, given time, he would understand my need for them at this moment, but I knew it would be a tall order to ask for understanding.

It would only be for a couple of days.

Once this great big mess would diminish some and I would be settled somewhere with Libby and Masen there was nothing that would stand in his way of visiting his children. Sure, it would be the summit of awkwardness at first, but I would manage. I had to. I couldn't let my kids grow up without their father and I couldn't take his children away from him.

Not again.

My heart broke when I thought about the toll this was going to take on Libby. She had just grown accustomed to having her dad around and now I was taking him away from her again. True, it wouldn't be forever, but I knew it would be hard for her to get used to her dad not being around all the time. Still… nothing would be worse than having to get used to your parents yelling at each other or even being plain indifferent to each other's presence. I knew firsthand how that was and I would rather die than put my kids through the same thing.

"I am doing the right thing." A tear slipped down my cheek as I lugged the last suitcase down the stairs, not pausing to look at the home I had been so happy in – my present from Edward when we solidified our bond – as I dragged it outside and paused to lock the doors. The finality of my decision hitting me with an even louder bang than the echo the closing of the door caused to rip through the foyer.

I put the suitcase with the others in the boot of my car and got in, my attempts to get away severely hindered by the shaking of my hands. After three failed attempts I finally managed to start the car on the fourth go and started to pull out of the driveway, hoping my glassy eyes weren't going to have me end up in a car crash.

Still…how bad would it be? Wouldn't it be for the best if I just ceased to exist?

No.

Selfish and horrible as I was, I could never do that. Not to the kids, not to my family and not to Edward. Not now, not ever.

I finally managed to calm my nerves a little as I continued my drive to Rose and Emmett's apartment. I knew facing Rose was going to be hard since she was bound to start asking questions, but it would have to happen and I would have to make it through her interrogation. The outlook was good. She'd seen me in just about the same state countless of time and, since her x-ray vision didn't stretch as far as my car, she would never know what would happen after I would leave her place with the kids. There was no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't let me go if she knew.

Sammy was on the phone when I entered the building and I was glad for it since that was on 'are you doing okay' conversation I would be spared from, especially after yesterday. I made it through the foyer and into the elevator without anything happening this time and was just congratulating myself on that when the door opened in front of me, revealing a yawning and slightly frazzled Rose wearing a bathrobe and – hopefully – some kind of skimpy pajama underneath.

"Bella?" she yawned, "do you know what time it is?"

"Daytime?" I tried. I didn't exactly have time to watch the clock with everything that had been going on. All I knew was that the sun was starting to rise, so it was bound to be somewhere near eight AM.

"Too damn early," Rose growled, mumbling something under her breath which I took to mean that she had just fallen asleep again since my brother left for the gym. It was only when she looked up at me that she stopped her rant. "What the fuck is going on Bella?" she demanded, using her towering height to try and scare me into submission.

It wasn't working though. Not anymore.

"Don't. Cuss. When. My. Kids. Are. Around!" I hissed.

"I won't if you don't think that lying to them and everyone else who gives a shit is the right thing to do," she barked, narrowing her eyes at me. "Where's Edward?"

"At work."

"I thought he had the morning off?"

"He was called in," I replied, the first stirrings of panic starting to rumble in my chest. I didn't like where this line of questioning was going. Not one bit.

"Why?"

"How the hell would I know?" I snapped. "It's not like they give me hourly updates on the goings on at the surgical ward. And I just came here to pick up my kids, not to be subjected to a third degree."

"No," she growled, her eyes zeroing in on me. "You show up, in the middle of the fucking night, I might add, looking like you've spend the night in a dry ditch crying your fucking eyes out, instead of in your husband's arms and demand that I wake up the kids and scare the bloody crap out of them with the state their mommy's in." She took a deep breath, the room becoming silent for a couple of seconds, a silence I knew better than to break. "If you think I'm going to do that without you giving me a pretty damn good reason, you're even more stupid than I thought you were."

"Fine," I snapped, my anger overriding all my other senses. Who did she think she was to stand there all tall and model-like and pass judgment? It wasn't like she knew what I was going through. "Because I'm going away. I'm taking the kids and I'm going to get the hell out of here before all of this crap going on kills me!"

"What do you mean?" she muttered, looking utterly confused for a moment.

"I'm leaving Edward," I cried, the tiny layer of resolve I had smashing into pieces the moment I uttered the words.

"Oh no, you're not!" Rose's reaction startled me since it wasn't so much spoken as growled.

"Please, Rose," I sighed. "Just let me do this my way."

"Yeah right," she snorted. "Like I'm just going to stand by and watch you make the biggest mistake of your fucking life! No, thank you."

"You can't stop me, Rose," I said calmly. She might go on and on about how I was making a mistake and she was going to stop me but there was no way she was going to prevent me and my babies from walking out of here towards safety.

"Try me," she challenged, pushing me out of the way and slamming the door shut, snapping the locks in place just for good measure. "You're not going anywhere, sis, not if I can help it."

I had the feeling she was pretty damn serious as she stood there in front of the door, glaring at me with her arms folded in front of her chest.

"Get out of the way!" I hissed, my eyes scanning the room for other options. "I'm doing this Rose, whether you make it easy or hard for me."

"Bring it on, sister," she spat back. "If you think you can take me, show me what you've got!"

That was just the problem. I knew I couldn't take her. "Please?" I begged, feeling the panic starting to rise again as my only way out of this mess was suddenly cut off. "I can't stay here, Rose! I can't face him….not when I know he's going to leave me."

"Leave you?" Rose gasped. "What the fuck do you mean 'leave you'? Did those old book fumes go to your brain and fry whatever grain of logic was still embedded there? There's no way that guy is going to leave you. He's smitten. For life."

"Fine, then," I sighed. "I'm leaving him. For his own good."

"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer," she snorted, fishing her cell out of the pocket of her robe and dialing a number before I could stop her.

"Please, God, Rose……no!" I gasped, my hand flying into my hair and nearly yanking it out at the root as I thought about the possibility of her calling _him_. "Please, don't call him….I can't face him right now!"

"Relax," she replied, waving me off before her attention went back to the little device at her ear. "Babe? You have to come home. Your sister has gone _Cuckoo's Nest_ and is trying to do a runner." With that she snapped the thing shut again and was in front of me in the blink of an eye. "Come."

"What?"

"We're not going to stand here in the hallway arguing like a bunch of hysterical telenovella skanks. The couch is much more comfortable for that."

"But…."

She arched her eyebrow at me, her expression turning into mock once more. "You still think you're running away?" she snorted. "At least have the fucking decency to wait until your kids are awake….You can't just yank them out of bed and tell them mommy doesn't love daddy anymore."

"That's not it…" I mumbled under my breath.

I wish it was….I wish it could all be so simple as deciding not to love the love of your life anymore when you realized the two of you were as compatible as a lion and a lamb.

"Then tell me," Rose pleaded. Her anger had faded as soon as we had entered the living room and worry was starting to break through. She never let go of my hand as she guided me over to the couch and sat down next to me, one arm wrapped firmly around me – though I couldn't say if that was to give me comfort or keep me from making a dash for the door – while the other played nervously with the strings that tied her robe in place. "Seriously Bella, we all know you're struggling but we can't help if you won't let us."

"I don't…."

"You need help, Bella," Rose insisted. "You can't just threaten to run away from home like some unruly thirteen year old and keep insisting you're fine. Something's going on….something big….and I'm beginning to fear I played a part in it."

"It's just…." I could feel the walls starting to crumble as I tried to find the words. "I don't know….it feels like everything's so….fucked up and I……" I couldn't continue, all of the feelings I had kept bottled up over God knows how long came spilling out, making my whole body convulse like it was being exorcised.

"Let go, Bella," Rose whispered, holding me against her even in spite of getting snot on her expensive robe. "Let it all out…don't hold back."

"I can't take it anymore!" I cried. Now that the cat was out of the bag and I didn't feel like I had to be strong anymore it seemed like every strength had left me and I was reduced to a blubbering mess, held together only by the arms of my sister in law. I don't know how long we sat there, me crying and waling like some lunatic while Rose stroked my hair and whispered

"Mommy?"

"God no!" I gasped as a new round of sobs continued to wrack my body. It had been what I had most wanted to prevent. I didn't want Libby to see me cry. Not again. Not like this.

"Libby?" I could hear Rose ask, her chest vibrating with her words. "Why don't you go check if Masen and Charlie are up yet?"

"Is mommy okay?" she asked and I could hear by the tone of her voice she wasn't just going to be send off on some fool's errand.

"I'm fine sweetie," I managed to hiccup, knowing I wasn't going to convince anyone, "just a little upset." I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice before I spoke again. "Why don't you go and do as aunt Rose asked and maybe when you're all awake and had breakfast we can go do something fun?"

"Okay," she replied, hesitantly and I knew she hadn't been fooled by my words. She wasn't the five year old anymore who would be cajoled with a simple explanation. She wanted answers.

I was saved by the sounds of Emmett, wrestling with the locks before he finally managed to make it into his own home. "What did you do, woman?" he boomed, his voice conveying a false lightness as his eyes tried to scan the situation. "Turn this place into Ford Knox?"

"Hush," Rose scolded. "You'd do much better to make yourself useful for a chance and take over while I go get the kids dressed." She leaned into me, before she got up from the car. "Talk to your brother, Bella, and be honest. He deserves a shot at helping you after all you guys have been through."

"Thanks!" I muttered as Emmett took her place while Rose tugged Libby out of the room with a promise to let her help get Masen and Charlie ready.

"So…." I could feel the movement of the couch as Emmett squirmed in his seat, uneasy as ever when situations got too emotional for comfort. "Care to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Not really," I muttered, using the already soaked through sleeve of my sweater, "but I guess I do owe you an explanation."

"Damn straight," he nodded. He must have been dying to barge in and react but he just sat there calmly as he listened to my story, the only exception being when I told him about my conversation with Rose.

"Fuck, she shouldn't have done that!" he growled.

"Don't blame her," I urged, not wanting to drag Rose down with me into the mess I was in. "I told her not to say anything…"

"Still, she shouldn't have done it," he grumbled, turning his attention back to me. "So what are you going to tell Eddie?"

"Tell Eddie?" I gasped.

"You know," he nodded. "when you meet up with him to straighten out this mess the two of you have created."

"Don't make me go back," I cried. "I can't…"

"Don't stress, Bella," he soothed. "You know you and the kids can stay here for as long as you want. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't deny the possibility of you and Edward finding a way out of this mess…..You can't give up like this, not when there's plenty left to fight for."

"But I don't know if I have it left in me to fight…" I whispered.

"I told you before, sis," he sighed. "I've got your back. I always had it and always will…no matter what I think."

"So you think I'm wrong?" I sobbed, hiding my face in his chest.

It was silent a long time before he answered, his silence confirming my suspicion. "I think you've dealt with an amount of crap that would bring even the strongest of people down."

"Thanks Em," I sniffed, looking up into his worried eyes. "Thanks for not judging me….and for being here for me…again."

"You have to let him know where you are, Bells," he sighed after a moment.

"No!" I yelled, trying to break free of his grasp, but he wouldn't let me. "I can't, Em! I can't face him!"

"You have to, Bella," he insisted. "Don't you know what it must be like for him when he gets home and finds the place deserted? He is the frickin' father of your children! He has a right to know where they are!"

I knew he was right but I also knew that if I spoke to Edward he would do everything in his power to get me to come back to him, or at least to get his kids back. I didn't have the strength to be strong anymore. I didn't have the strength to fight him. "But…"

"Look," he mumbled, cracking the knuckles in his fingers, something he did when he was completely stressed out, "I know that having you contact him right now isn't going to do squad to make this mess smaller so how about I give the poor bastard a call to let him know where you are while you catch up on some sleep and you call him as soon as you've rested some?"

"I don't know…." I didn't know what I wanted anymore. My mind was screaming at me in a language I could no longer decipher.

"Take it or leave it, squirt," Emmett interrupted. "It's my first and final offer."

"Okay," I sighed, hesitantly submitting myself to my brothers rules.

"Good," he nodded, lifting me up from the couch and carrying me to the guest bedroom where he helped me out of my clothes and into one of his t-shirts before tucking me into bed like he did that one time when I was five and he was nine and I had fallen out of a tree one day while mom and dad were out.

"Take this." He handed me a small white pill and a bottle of water. "It will help you sleep."

"Thanks," I mumbled, feeling myself drift into nothingness almost the second I had swallowed the little thing.

"Anytime sis," I could hear him say somewhere into the distance. "That's what I'm here for."

I snuggled into the blankets as I heard the door click shut, the warmth and comfort giving me a sense of security I hadn't felt in a long time. They still smelled like Libby.

They smelled like home.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

The pounding of my heart was like a hummingbirds wings as the elevator crep far too slowly up to the floor of Emmett and Rose's apartment. I didn't know how I got there, how I managed to weave my way through traffic, parked the car and got in the elevator, all I knew was that as long as Bella was here and not on her way to God knew where with the kids I might be able to salvage something from this mess.

God, let her be there!

I didn't know what I was going to do if she was there though. It wasn't like I had ever made a contingency plan for when my sordid past would drive the woman I loved more than life itself away. Perhaps I should have, though, because with a past like mine it was bound to happen. Especially when that past involved crazy psycho's like Irina.

I saw her now for what she really was, the shroud that had blinded me lifted by this morning's events. She might have been able to act like a normal human being for the past couple of weeks, but that was all it had been. An act.

God, how stupid had I been! I had promised myself not to fall for her charms again and there I'd gone and done it again, meanwhile fooling myself with thought about how I was only being polite for the sake of the fellowship.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

While Kate, Garrett and I had been blinded by the golden future House had dangled in front of my eyes and did everything short of jumping through a burning hoop for the asshole, she had been working every bit as diligent behind the scenes, carefully chipping away at our weaknesses. She must have planned this to a 't', making sure her competition would be knocked out in time for the final decision, early in March, but not so soon that they could bring in new candidates to try out.

How well she had guessed my Achilles heel, the one thing that kept me sane and made my life worthwhile.

My family. My Bella.

She had destroyed it all. And for what? For a fucking job. Well, she could have it!

I took a deep breath, deciding that wallowing in my own misery wasn't going to solve anything as I brought my hand up to knock on the door.

I was a little startled when Emmett opened it. Being as busy as he was with the two gyms he and Felix owned it was rare to see him at home during the day. I could have known though. He would always be there when his sister needed him.

"Edward," he nodded, his face unreadable, not even in the harsh light of the landing.

"I-is Bella here?" I stammered.

"She is," he stated calmly. I still wasn't sure if he was just pissed off at me or hiding something.

"And the kids?"

"Yep," he nodded, pooping the 'p'. "My Rosie has taken them out for the day. Better not to have them disturb with all the shit hitting fan's and all."

"I see," I lied, fidgeting in my place not seeing why he was beating around the bush so much. It wasn't like Emmett to not come out and bluntly tell you what the hell was going on. Not unless what Bella had told him had made him so angry he had already decided to kill, maim or mutilate me. "Can I see her? I have to see her…."

"She's knocked out on sleeping pills right now," he sighed. "And even if she wasn't…I don't think it would be a smart move to have her talk to you right now. She's pretty out of it."

"God help me," I groaned. "I never meant for any of this to happen, you have to believe me, Emmett. If I would have known she would end up hurt like this, I wouldn't even have come near her."

"Is there something in the water at your place to make the both of you go all _Cuckoo's Nest_ or something?" he growled. "Because you're sure as hell not making any sense to me."

"Look," I sighed, dragging my hand through my already messy and slightly greasy hair. "I know Bella doesn't want anything to do with me after what she has learned about my past – which I'm sure you know everything about by now – but…."

"Wait a minute," Emmett interrupted me, his eyes tightening as if he was trying to make sense of something. "You're saying this is all your fault?"

"I'm not just saying it," I growled, wishing he would just kill me and get it over with instead of standing here, debating on semantics. "I know it. I don't deserve Bella. Hell, I don't deserve to even breath the same air as she does, and she finally realized that too."

"You two really are two parts of the same piece, aren't you?" Emmett chuckled. "She told me just about the same thing earlier, except that she didn't think _she_ deserved _you_."

"What?" I yelled out, making Emmett look behind him to the door of the guest bedroom and frown.

"Look," he stated calmly, "we could stand here arguing over who out of the two of you is the biggest dumbass but that won't get us anywhere. I could punch you, but I'm pretty damn sure you wouldn't put up very much of a fight right now and I don't make a habit of beating the crap out of people who want to be beaten up…." He sighed, glancing backwards once more. "Just give her some time. Let her straighten out some of this mess before she explains."

"But what about us, what about the kids?" I yelled.

"I wish I could give you an answer to that right now," Emmett sighed, "but the fact of the matter is that I don't know. All I know is that, as fucked up as Bella is right now, the last thing she needs is more drama to complicate matters."

"Are you forbidding me to see her?" I growled. "To see my own damn kids?"

"You know I would never do that," he spat back. "And no: I'm not keeping you from anything. As far as I'm concerned you're welcome to pick up the kids any time you'd like. All I'm asking is that you leave Bella in peace right now since I don't know how much more she can take before she does something really drastic and utterly stupid."

"Like what?' I gasped, all sorts of scenarios passing in front of my eyes.

"Did you know she intended to 'disappear' today?" he replied.

"What?"

"Sure thing," he sighed. "She had somehow gotten it in that thick skull of hers that she was keeping you from becoming some kind of miracle to mankind or something and that it would be best if she disappeared. Rose had to basically lock her inside to keep her from leaving."

"No," I whispered, only now realizing how close I'd come to loosing her forever. At least if she stayed at Emmett and Rose's for the time being I would know where she was. She would still be around and we might still have a chance.

"She needs to rest," he continued. "and she needs to do that at a place where she feels safe. I know she needs help on top of that, but I know it's going to be pretty damn hard to get her to admit to that. I'll do my best though and I'll make sure you get to see the kids and that she contacts you as soon as she's up to it. That's all I can do for you at the time being, I'm afraid."

"Thanks," I muttered, feeling both hopeless and hopeful at the same time.

"You know I'm rooting for ya and all, Eddie," he grimaced, no doubt seeing the destruction the last twenty four hours had caused, "but I'm her brother first and foremost, and I have to look out for Bella. I'll call you as soon as she wakes up to let you know how she's doing and I'll get Rose to call you as soon as she gets back so that you can talk to the kids."

"Thanks," I repeated as I turned to walk away, knowing that what I came here for was beyond my reach.

At least she was safe.

Safe and loved.

"I'll have Sammy hail you a cab," Emmett called after me.

"Don't bother," I mumbled automatically, "my car's parked just around the block."

"Humor me," he insisted, "you're in no fit shape to drive home. If you give me the keys Rose or I will drop the car off later.

I reached into my pocket and handed him the keys, not caring what would happen to my once so precious car. At this moment I couldn't give a damn about anything, not even about my own life.

There was no life without my Bella.

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_**Next chapter will be up on Friday. I'll post a teaser for that one, plus a small spoiler from a chapter up ahead, on the twilighted boards as soon as they go up again. You can find a link to my story's thread on my profile page.**_


	26. A saving grace in the temple of gloom

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and reads. I'm so glad you stuck with me even though I'm making everyone feel depressed. **_

_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

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**A saving grace in the temple of gloom.**

_**January 2010**_

It had been three days.

Three days without a word from Bella.

Three days spend between hope and fear.

Three days of not having her sleeping next to me when I woke up.

Three days of missing her.

I'd even sunken so low as to try and pry information out of my daughter when I took her and Masen for a trip to the zoo yesterday but she didn't know anything else apart from the fact that her mommy was sick and that that was why they were staying with uncle Emmett and aunt Rose for a while until mommy got better again. It felt bad, having to put my girl through a third degree when clearly she was looking to me for answers, but it was what I had been reduced to.

Emmett had kept his word and called me as soon as Bella had awoken, a good fourteen hours after I had left their apartment. I had spend the time in between making a call to my lawyer to have a restraining order filed against Irina and just generally pacing through the quiet house, wondering how it could have come this far.

How could I have been so blind that I didn't see what the fuck was going on?

I had spend the first day in a haze after drinking myself into a stupor when I got back from Emmett's, so wrapped up in my own misery that I hadn't even noticed Alice's presence in the house until she had started attempting to drag me off to bed, an effort that was bound for failure considering our differences in height and weight.

She stuck around though, making sure I ate, kept up the pretense of sleep and didn't spend my days reminiscing about the 'what if's', though even she had to admit that last thing was completely impossible.

What if I had told Irina to take a hike the first time she contacted me at the hospital?

What if I had told House to take a hike when he basically asked me to sell myself into slavery in order to stand a chance at the fellowship.

What if Bella had told me about her dealings with the bitch?

What if I had gone into family practice?

All in all there were a lot of moments where I really regretted being unemployed right now. At least if I had been at work I would have found some temporary reprieve from my own mind while I was stuck in surgery, the focus and attention needed to perform procedures making it impossible to think of anything else.

The regret was short-lived though, since it automatically reminded me of how I'd lost her.

Had I not been working all hours to pursue a childish fantasy I would have seen what was going on in my own home. Irina wouldn't have stood a chance then. No, I didn't regret my decision to quit, even if doing nothing all day was making me crazy. I had tried reading but, apart from Bella's books, the only available reading material in the house were medical journals (which seemed pointless now) and children's books. I had tried playing the piano but the beautiful tones of the instrument only brought to mind the person who had given it to me and apart from that it offered a perfect view of Bella's now empty writing desk.

It was why I found myself standing in front of a closed door located on the upper east side, where Garrett and Kate had an apartment, only a few blocks away from Emmett and Rose.

"Edward?" Kate looked at me through the crack in the door, her expression going from confusion to happiness as she recognized me. "Hey….come in."

"Thanks!" I somehow managed a smile as I walked past her into their apartment. In all the years I'd known them I had never been here, even though I wouldn't hesitate to call both Kate and Garrett my friends. I guessed it had something to do with the fact that we were in each other's faces for about seventy hours a week as it was.

Looking at the sleek interior it wasn't difficult to see who had had the most input when it came to decorating. "Nice place," I said, letting my eyes drift over a couple of pictures standing on the mantel, "very you."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Kate grinned. "If Garrett had had his way the walls would have been papered with old Playboy issues and the furniture would have been made of empty beer crates."

"It was meant as a compliment," I assured her with a genuine chuckle. "And speaking of Garrett…where is he?"

"I send him to the gym," Kate answered in a half growl, "he was driving me crazy with all his pent up energy. I swear the guy's like a fucking hamster in a wheel!"

"Yeah, well, even you'd have to admit that its hard getting used to all the free time now that we don't have work to distract us!" I laughed, rolling my eyes at her. I had been a frequent visitor of the gym myself over the last couple of days. Though I had to admit that part of it was due to the fact that Emmett was there and I was hoping for an update on how Bella was doing.

"You're right about that," she nodded, turning serious as we both sat down on the huge chocolate leather sofa. "So how are you holding up?" There was no mistaking the meaning of her words. She knew.

"You know?" I frowned. Wondering how my failed love life had become common knowledge already.

"Grapevines are noisy places," she shrugged. "Garrett went into work the other day to grab a few of my things and he heard about the restraining order. From there on it took only a call to Rose to find out what happened." She sighed, placing her hand on top of mine. "I'm so sorry, Edward. If I'd know I would have fucked that bitch up good for you….She would have ended up on the damn transplant list herself if I had my way anyway…."

"But how could you the LVAD wire?" I asked, happy to find an opening to change the subject. In the rare moments I had been able to put my mind of my ailing wife and the mess we had landed ourselves in I had been thinking about the Grecian tragedy that had unfolded at the hospital. It still didn't make any sense why Kate would have put an innocent bystanders life at risk for her own gain.

She sat hunched in her seat in front of me for a while, her eyes downcast and her fingers playing with the throw that hung over the side of her chair. "I know," she said, taking a deep breath before she continued. "I don't need anyone to tell me how wrong it was…I know I'm a royal fuck up for doing it, but at the time I just couldn't stop myself. It was like all I could think about was how Banner deserved the heart a hundred times more than the sick bastard Irina was so fond off."

"Sure," I interrupted her, "I can understand how you think Banner deserved it more, but that doesn't mean you can just screw up your own career and the hospitals reputation and UNOS accreditation!"

"I know," she cried, trying to remain strong when I could see her crumbling. "But I'd been on the clock for more than seventy-two hours straight and Irina had been riling me up for just as long." She looked at me, her eyes blazing with fight at the mention of the bitch's name. "You know what she's capable of…She gets under your skin...well at least she did with me. In the end I couldn't think straight anymore so I did a fucking stupid thing. When House told me he had a possible match for Banner but that there was another candidate I flipped. I knew Banner wasn't going to hold out long enough for another heart and I'd seen Irina's pet project. He was in a much better state than Banner but because his case had been logged into the database not even half an hour before Banner's I knew he was probably going to end up getting it. I couldn't let that happen."

"You don't get to decide those things," I stated.

"I know," she said, "but did you know Irina's guy was a convicted criminal?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Not even when he has Russian Mafia stamped all over him?" Kate added. "Don't you think it's a bit too coincidental that he just happens to pop up wherever Irina goes? Even when that means following her across the country? I knew this case reeked of deceit long before the heart came in and I wasn't going to stand by and let an innocent man die because of it. Not even if it meant losing my job."

"Do you have any evidence to back that shit up?" I asked. She might have a point but if there wasn't any evidence to substantiate her claim it would get her nowhere. I wondered how I could have missed all of this. True, I'd been busy with my own patients and for most of the time my mind had been taken up by worry about Bella but it had happened right underneath my fucking nose. How could I have been so blind? I should have been there for my friend when she needed me to back her up.

"Not yet," she sighed. "It's not like I can call the _Bratva_ and ask them if they have any ties to the medical world…"

"I could make a few calls…" I suggested, suddenly remembering Irina's hesitance to discuss her career in LA. James. I remembered how Irina's eyes had gotten a crazed, panicky look about them when I had mentioned our old friend's name. He knew something and if he was still up to his old ways, I knew he wouldn't hesitate to share his 'wisdom' with me.

"You got connections to the mob?" Kate grinned. "I never would have thought…Damn! I guess it really are always the quiet ones…."

"Fuck off!" I growled. "I know a guy in LA. We used to be friends a lifetime ago. I can try and find out if he knows something more about this."

"I owe you one." Kate's hand folded over mine in gratitude. "If I can do anything for you…just say it."

"Thanks, and I'll keep that in mind," I nodded. "So what's going to happen now?"

"Dunno," she shrugged. "I guess there'll be a M&M in a couple of days and then I'll just have to wait and see what the powers that be decide." Her attitude turned to fight again as she glanced up. "I'm not going down alone, though," she stated calmly. "I've been working on what I'm going to say for the last couple of days and I intend to bring that bastard House with me. Even if it's the last thing I do. I may be the one who cut the damn wire, but he was the one who drove us all into a state of lunacy. He should suffer some of the consequences too!"

"Good luck," I smirked, both of us knowing the high and mighty were probably busy covering their asses right now. The chances of a humble resident bringing down the mighty House were slim but not completely non-existent. Still, House had been nervous. I recognized his behavior that morning for what it had been now: self-preservation. He couldn't give a damn about UNOS or Banner, he had only wanted to save his own ass.

"I could say the same to you," Kate nodded. "What are your plans for now?"

"I don't know," I said, repeating Kate's statement. "I can't even get her to talk to me, let alone discuss the future. I guess there's nothing else for me to do but be patient and hope for the best while spending as much time with my kids as I can get."

It was what I had been doing for the last couple of days.

I had been surprised when, on the first day after Bella left me, Rose had dropped the kids off at the house, her visible unease and sympathetic smile showing me she liked this situation no more better than I did. Libby, Masen and I had spend the afternoon hanging out at the park. Libby had been delighted when I took her on a visit to the riding school located in Central Park to tell her that she could start her lessons there next Saturday afternoon. The look on her face when she took a tour of the stables, flittering from one horse to another was priceless and made me wonder why I hadn't done this before. We had never had a thing that was 'us'. Just the two of us. Maybe this could be it.

She'd still been full of her visit to the 'pretty horses' when we went for a walk around the park, her pushing her little brother around while I tried frantically to keep Masen from eating any or all of the shrubbery. With my son getting more and more interested in the world around him, also came the added bonus of keeping him from trying to eat it, or so it seemed.

Yesterday had been pretty much the same, only instead of going to the park we went to the zoo and I had been allowed to pick the kids up at Rose and Emmett's apartment. For a moment I'd entertained the hope of being able to catch a glimpse of my wife while I was there, but I wasn't wholly surprised when they told me she was out with Emmett. The joy of getting to spend another afternoon with Libby and Masen wasn't lessened by it though. Not in the least. All in all I had been spending more time with my children over the last couple of days than I had many a day when I was still working at the hospital. The thought alone made me sick. I was learning so many new things about them. Things I hadn't noticed before because I had been absorbed by my problems and work and at home.

"You should make her talk to you," Kate growled, stopping me before I could protest. "Look," she continued, holding up her hand, "I know they've probably told you to back the fuck off for now and give her some damn time, but you deserve some answers too, you know!"

"I know," I sighed, "but I won't force them out of her." I looked at the clock, balking when I noticed it was almost three already and Rose was dropping Libby off for 'movie night' and a sleepover at four. "Who knows….maybe I need some time as well."

It was as if somewhere down the line Bella and I had both lost sight of what was really important : our children, our health, our love. And in our efforts to realize what could not realistically be realized given the circumstances we were in we had destroyed just about everything we had built together.

The question that remained was if there was anything left to salvage among the ruins. Were the foundations of our marriage strong enough to rebuilt the house or would everything turn into a sad wasteland?

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"I'm not going, Emmett!" I yelled back, completely frustrated with the way this conversation was going.

"Seriously, Bellybutton, if anyone is in need for a good head shrinking session it's you."

"Am. Not!" I hissed, trying to control the urge to throw the pillows my back was resting against at his head. Not that it would help. The guy had a skull of solid steel. He wouldn't even notice if I hit it with a brick.

"Don't force me to go all Dr. Phil on your ass and stage an intervention," he growled.

"For the last time Emmett: I don't need to see a shrink!" I yelled. "Sure, I'm going through a rough patch right now but with some rest and distance from it all I'll be fine."

"Rough patch?" he snorted. "You call it a rough patch? The fucking Gobi Desert of heartfail is more likely!"

We had been having this conversation on and off ever since I had awoken, two days ago, to find myself in familiar unfamiliar surroundings and with a head that felt like it was filled with lead.

It was then that I had started crying.

"Don't you think you owe it to Edward to get yourself sorted out before you try to fix things with him?" he asked.

"I'm not getting back with him," I replied, trying to fight the tears that threatened to break through every time the words left my lips or even bubbled up in my thoughts.

It was over.

As hard as it was for me to come to terms with, I was still convinced that I had done the right thing by letting him go. It was better for him and for me. We came from different planets, planets that – though they were created from the same basic material – were at war with one another.

"Fine," he snarled, making a pathetic figure as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Go be a raving lunatic but don't come blubbering to me when you finally do realize you need help."

"Fine," I spat back, trying to refocus on Oprah interviewing some upstart little actor.

For a good ten minutes the only sounds that permeated the air were Emmett's dramatic sighs and the artificial chit chat drifting from the plasma screen. I was biding my time, trying not to get too annoyed by daytime television as I waited for my brother to give in. It couldn't be long now… Emmett had never been good at staying angry. Sure, he could get angry, very angry even, but it would pass as fast as a tornado. The longest he had ever held out against me was two hours, but he'd had the added distraction of the Super Bowl back then. I figured Oprah at least had to settle the score in my favor.

Our détente was broken, however, when Rose came back from dropping Libby off at school and doing some shopping. It was a damn shame because I could see from the corner of my eyes that Emmett had been very close to snapping.

"A little help!" Rose's strained voice came from the foyer.

"What up, babe?" Emmett yelled, narrowing his eyes at me as he got up from his seat. "Does the little lady need some help from her big, strong man?"

"Oh shut up!" I could hear Rose growl, soon followed by a groan from my brother, no doubt caused by her smacking him up the head.

Emmett should have known by now that Rose didn't exactly take kindly to ridicule.

"Is there something I can do?" I asked, joining both of them in the foyer, which was now filled with overstuffed paper bags. Rose must have had some help from Sammy getting all of this stuff up because there was no way she could have lifted all of this stuff on her own.

"Yeah sweetie," Rose replied, her voice muffled by the huge sack of potato she was carrying in front of her. "Just grab something and bring it out to the kitchen. You know where most of the stuff goes anyway."

Happy to be able to do something while I was mooching off their hospitality I had taken over most of the work around the house that wasn't already taken care of by the hired help, which basically meant I had taken over in the kitchen.

I had gone into work briefly yesterday to explain what had happened. Of course they had all but forbidden me to come in for another week to get myself straightened out before they would even start to discuss my future at the University.

The comfort they wanted to give me was a double edged sword. On the one hand I was relieved that they didn't appear to be making such a fuss about it but on the other I was already wracking my brain about what it meant. Did they want me to continue after I was feeling better again or was this just a polite way of not sacking me while I was at my lowest?

"What time is Edward dropping Libby off?" I asked. As happy as I was that she got to spend so much time with her dad, not having her close to me made me a bit antsy.

"By the end of the afternoon," Rose said, her voice a little strained by the weights she was carrying. "He's taking her shopping today, believe it or not!"

"Shopping?" I giggled, trying to imagine Edward being dragged around the store by his daughter. He was looking rather desperate – but still so handsome it made my heart break a little bit more – in every scenario I could come up with.

"I know," Rose smiled. "Why…did you want to talk to him?"

Part of me wanted to say yes. I missed Edward like I had never imagined I would, but I knew deep down that I wasn't ready to talk to him yet. I needed to get stronger to be able to face him without breaking down.

"Thought so," Rose sighed, interpreting my silence like a pro, "Oh and by the way you've got a ten o clock appointment with doctor Crane tomorrow. Don't be late."

"Doctor Crane?" I asked, not remembering him and – frankly – not knowing why I needed a doctor in the first place.

"Your new therapist," Rose replied, as if it was a moot point. It appeared that Rose was done handling me with kid gloves.

"How many times do I need to say this to get it through those thick skulls of yours?" I yelled exasperated. "I don't need a therapist. I'm doing fine!"

"You keep telling yourself that," Rose snorted. "And while you're at it, ask yourself how many sane people try to run away from home because the voices in their head are telling them that their husband doesn't love them anymore."

"I'm not hearing voices, Rose," I growled.

"Whatever," she shrugged. "Voices or not, you have to admit you're a bit…out of it lately."

"It's called a burnout, Rose," I growled, uttering the word for the first time and I had to admit: it wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. "I'm not some random fruitcake who talks to oranges or something."

"Then be a big girl and deal with your crap in a grownup manner: by getting help!" she answered, taking the sack of potato which I had been hoisting up in my arms since the start of our conversation over from me. "People see therapists all the time. Do you really think they'd do that just for kicks? It helps!" She trudged off in the direction of the kitchen, turning around with an evil smirk on her face before she disappeared from sight. "And after all…a burnout is a mental condition."

"Okay," I sighed, knowing that there was no point to arguing with Rose. I would end up on doctor Crane's sofa tomorrow morning at ten one way or the other.

"Hey!" Emmett growled indignantly. "Not fair! I tried to get her to do that for days and you just waltz in there and everything is settled?"

"Yep," Rose grinned, popping the 'p'. "You men are always all talk and no action. My grandma always said: if ya want something, ye gotta make it happen." She nodded as if to put more power into her words. "Damn smart woman she was. The only person in my family who had any sense…."

"Right," Emmett stated, sighing dramatically. "Forget I said something…"

"Poor baby," Rose cooed, as she walked over to her husband and started to weave her hands through his curly dark hair, her fingertips slightly grazing his scalp. "How about I make you some lunch?"

"You always say the sweetest things," Emmett drawled in a fake Southern accent and I could hear Rose squeal behind me as he gathered her in his arms and planted one hell of a kiss on her lips.

I had to look away, the love between them being too painful to watch. As happy as the untroubled love between them made me, I couldn't stop the tears from falling as it made my loss only too clear.

It was in that moment that I felt broken, like a piece of me was missing and had been for some time. Part of that piece was the Edward-shaped hole that I'd created in my heart but I knew that wasn't all of it. I'd had been on a slippery slope long before Irina had walked into my life and gave me the push that send me over the edge.

I sighed, thinking for the first time that speaking to a therapist might not be so bad after all. It might even help me get some kind of grip on my life again.

**xXx**

"Mommy?"

"Yes dear?" I smiled, looking into Libby's eyes. For the first time in God knew how long I felt a little spark of hope.

I'd had my first meeting with Doctor Crane today and, if I was being truly honest, I had to admit it had done me good. I had been raised on the notion that you didn't talk to strangers about your problems, you simply sucked it up and dealt with it on your own. It had been strange to push that sentiment aside and open up, but it had also been refreshing.

For now our session had merely consisted of me telling my story as the Doctor listened. It felt so good to finally open up and let everything out. Since he was a stranger – and a stranger meant to 'fix' me at that – I could tell him everything, no holds barred, and the doctor proofed himself to be a pro at just listening. The man exuded a calm that made me feel at ease, even when he sometimes scribbled things down onto the legal pad that was resting on his lap.

Revisiting all of the emotions of the past months was tough and by the end of my story I was reduced to a full blown blubbering mess – yet again – but I was surprised to find that the depth of the grief behind it wasn't as deep anymore as it had been. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders already, just by speaking about it, and I could start focusing now on getting well again.

I owed it to Masen and Libby.

I owed it to my family

I owed it to me.………and I owed it to _him_.

"Is it smooth enough?" she asked, her face scrunched up in concentration as she stirred the batter.

"I think so, honey," I chuckled as my fingers glided over the much used pages of the cookbook I had left behind when I left Emmett's apartment years ago in the hope it would incur Rose or my brother to try and actually cook something. I had found it, earlier today, still in exactly the same spot as where I had left it.

"What do we do now?" my daughter asked, her eyes never wavering from the cookie dough she was stirring.

"We add the chocolate chips and the nuts," I chuckled, hoping there was still enough chocolate left after my daughter had insisted she be the one to mash up the dark and white bars of chocolate we were using for the mixture.

"Can I do it?" she pouted, tapping her hands impatiently along the handle of the spoon she was using to stir the batter.

"Sure," I nodded., "as long as you promise me most of the chocolate chips will end up in the dough and not in your mouth!"

"Okay!" she squealed as we switched places, the warmth of her tiny body as it brushed against mine providing some much needed comfort.

One of the good things about this whole mess was that it had made me see what was important in life: seeing my children grow slowly – but still way too fast – into adulthood and facing your demons before they turned into huge flesh eating, fire breathing dragons.

If there was one lesson I had taken away from this morning's visit with Doctor Crane it was that. If only I had the strength and courage to do so…..but I was working on it.

"I think we have enough chocolate chips for now!" I chuckled as I stopped Libby's hands from throwing in another load of chocolate into the dough which now seemed more like cookie chipped chocolate than the other way around.

"What do we do now?" Libby asked as she watched me fold the chips into the dough, my hands and arms staring to burn with the strain of my task.

"We turn the dough into cookies, sweetie," I chuckled, moving the bowl to the table where the prepared cookie sheet (another kitchen utility that seemed to have been abandoned after I moved out) was already waiting for us.

I showed Libby how to create cookies out of the huge blob of dough in front of us and set her to work, making four perfect rows of cookies. I couldn't resist taking a photograph of her as she stood on the chair in front of the table, a few strands of hair falling in front of her flour stained face, her tongue sticking out between her plump red lips as she focused on her task.

I was so proud of her.

I only noticed I was crying (again) as I felt the first drops spilling over my eyelids but this time it wasn't out of sadness, but out of love and pride. My little girl was growing into such a wonderful creature, right in front of my eyes. She was strong – stronger than me – and showing every sign of being as smart as her daddy was. She had taken everything that had been going on over the last couple of days in its stride and – though she was bound to be full of questions – didn't appear to be too put out by it. If she was hurting, then she must have been one hell of an actress because she wasn't showing it. At least…not to me.

If only I could make this easier on her.

"All done!" she sang proudly, stopping my mind from going into gloom again as she waved over to the cookie sheet, which was now full with perfectly rowed tiny blobs of dough.

"Perfect," I laughed, brushing a smudge of flour from her cheek as I leaned in to kiss her hair. "Let's get them in the oven!"

When the oven was set and the cookies were safely placed within there was nothing left for us to do but wait until the cookies were done, which fortunately wasn't going to be long. I didn't think Libby's shaky patience would take anything longer than a quarter of an hour. Then we started all over again with the second batch.

We had just started preparing the third when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," I said, wiping my hands on a dish rag close by. "Can you finish up while I'm gone?"

"Sure," she shrugged, almost insulted that I didn't deem her capable of making cookies on her own.

"Just don't go anywhere near the oven, kay?" I warned. "Not even if you think you should."

"Okay," she sang, focusing her attention back on her work as I walked towards the door.

I opened the door, feeling a stinging pain before I could even register who it was that rang the bell. "OW!" I yelled, clasping my hand over my cheek as my vision turned from blurry to focused again, immediately recognizing the person in front of me. "Alice?"

"Bitch!" she yelled, clenching and unclenching her first in pure rage as she stood in front of me, all of her suddenly imposing four feet and eleven inches trembling with anger.

"Alice," I sighed, knowing what drove her here.

"You broke my brother!" she hissed. "I told you what would happen if you did…."

"Why don't you come in?" I suggested with a sigh, happy that I was alone in the apartment. If Rose were here things could have gotten ugly. Really ugly.

"Do you have any idea of the damage you've done?" she asked as she stalked past me into the foyer. "For the past three days Edward has been walking around the house like a man who's just seen his whole life crumble to dust in front of him and there's nothing I can do to help him. I've thought about slapping some sense into him, but it seemed like a crime to hit a man when he's down so I've come here to vent my anger because God knows you deserve it!" She brushed her arms over her eyes in an angry gesture, wiping away the tears that had gathered. "And the most crushing thing about it is that this is the second time you've done this to him."

"I didn't mean to…." I whimpered, my heart breaking at the picture she painted. Over the last couple of days I had learned that, for as long as I didn't think about the pain I had caused Edward to suffer, I could maintain my statement that this would all pass and in the end it would all be for the best. When something or someone reminded me of it though, only self-hate remained. How could I have done this to him? Even if what I had done was for the best….I should have gone about it in a different way. A way that would have made it less painful for him to come to terms with the inevitable.

"Sure," she mocked. "I know damn well you didn't mean to turn my brother into a guilt wrecked zombie. It's not like you're even able to think of anything but Bella…"

"It's not like that," I interjected, but there wasn't any conviction in my voice. She was right. I had done the most selfish thing in the world. I had gone for self-preservation when I should have been thinking about the other parties involved.

"I can't believe that you upped and left him at the first sign of trouble, knowing about his past," she went on. "Edward has been terrified of letting anyone into his heart all his life because of the death of his parents. He kept himself aloof from life and love for years until he met you and he finally allowed himself to hope….You destroyed that you evil, selfish bitch! I hope you're happy now!"

"You know I'm not!" I yelled through my sobs, my body welcoming the pain my hands – which were fisted in my hair and tearing at the roots – provided. "I only ever wanted what was best for him!"

"Did you know Edward quit his job?" she snarled.

"What?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded, her eyes piercing into mine with a ferocity that scared the shit out of me. "He went into work that day wanting to seriously cut back on his hours because his family was more important to him than any damn job the hospital could have thrown at him, but he ended up quitting altogether, only to find that his wife had left him and taken away basically everything he ever loved."

"I didn't know," I gasped, grasping at the doorframe to give me some much needed support.

"Of course you didn't," she spat back. "You were so wrapped up in your own little world that you never noticed any of the trouble he was going through."

"Can't he go back now…."

"Now that you've methodologically destroyed everything that made him feel good about himself?" she threw back. "Of course not! It's Edward we're talking about here. He wouldn't go back if they rolled out the welcome wagon. Especially not while he's still clinging to the off chance that you might come to your senses and take him back."

"But…." I started, only to be cut off by the outraged pixie.

"Not that I think he should take you back, by the way," she went on. "He would be much better off with a wife who didn't run at the first sign of trouble…"

"Alice…please let me explain my side of the story," I pleaded.

"No Bella," she replied harshly, her incensed eyes blazing into mine as she slapped my hand away before it could touch her. "I'm going back to cleaning up the mess you created."

And with that, she left.

I watched her walk away, my cheek stinging and my mind spinning with the things she'd had said. They had been harsh words, but I couldn't berate her for them. Not when every words she had said had been the truth. She had handed me a mirror and showed me an ugly side of myself that I had been in denial of for God knew how long.

I had to change….But fist, I had to undo some of the pain I had caused.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

Marcus Wilson had been the last person I had expected a call from when I picked up the phone yesterday. I had hoped, of course, that it was Bella but after six days of not hearing from her I had given up hope that she was going to contact me any time soon.

I was even more surprised when he asked me to see him today, at the hospital, to 'discus my future'. As weary as I was of what the hospital had to offer me in terms of my future, I was also very curios of what Doctor Wilson wanted to discuss with me. And – even more so – of why it had been him who contacted me and not House.

Something was off.

"Cullen!" Garrett's voice greeted me as I stepped into the outer office. "Fancy seeing you here!"

"You're not exactly the first person I imagined to see either!" I chuckled.

"So how are you?" he wondered.

"Fine," I grumbled, "but I think I may commit murder if one more person asks me that."

"Ya can't help it mate," he shrugged, patting me on the back as I took a seat next to him after sharing a slight nod with Doctor Wilson's secretary, "People care about you. They want to know how you're coping."

"So how's Kate?" I asked, trying to deflect attention.

"Fine, riled up like a banshee," he grinned. "Though you know that already. My baby is one tough cookie."

"So do you know why he's called us in here?"

"Beats me," Garrett replied, shaking his head. "Tough I have to admit I'm curious."

"Gentlemen," Doctor Wilson's voice sounded from the doorway, interrupting our speculations before they had even started. "Please come in…."

**xXx**

My ears were still ringing with all of the things I had learned later on when I made my way back home after the meeting. What it had boiled down to was that the 'incident' as Doctor Wilson called it – with Mr. Banner had been the nail at Doctor House's coffin. The hospital had been very dissatisfied with his work for God knows how long now and had been waiting for the opportunity to give him the boot. That was easier said than done, though, since Doctor House, apart from being an asshole, was also a very renown surgeon. They needed a pretty damn good reason to chuck him out and it seemed that Kate had delivered it to them with a nice ribbon on top.

In the end House had known the end was nigh and had quit, only a couple of days after I did, before the hospital could get round to firing him.

It had all happened so fast.

Of course the aftermath had left the hospital in quite a precarious situation. Not only had they lost one of their tops surgeons, the ranks of their senior heart surgery residents had been severely thinned as well. In fact, as far as Doctor Wilson was concerned they were nonexistent.

Garrett and I had both been surprised by the obvious disdain he felt for Irina, though in retrospect it all made sense. If anything, Doctor Wilson had always been a very good judge of character and of the ties of friendship and animosity that existed amongst the staff. He must have sensed something was off about Irina long before he had made it known.

He had asked us both to reconsider our resignations, given the new circumstances, and go back to work under the new chief, a guy called Derek Shepherd who was apparently being brought in from Seattle Grace. According to Doctor Wilson he was just about the polar opposite from House. If the situation had been different I wouldn't have had a doubt in my mind. With House gone I knew things were bound to be more relaxed and civil around here. Wilson had been quick to add that there would be no more crazy hours, at least…no crazier than the regular gruesome shifts hospital staff all around the world were subjected to.

Right now, I didn't know. As tempting as the offer was, my marriage was worth more to me than my career and I knew that if I wanted to make it work I needed to spend a whole lot more time at home and a whole lot less time at the hospital. Even with the shorter shifts and more human friendly atmosphere this Doctor Shepherd would bring with him, I didn't know if it would be enough.

On the other hand…if I had truly lost Bella forever then no amount of work would be enough to take my mind of things. There was only one person who could help me make up my mind but she was out of reach right now.

I sighed. What I wouldn't give to see her…..

The smell of coffee and freshly baked something drifted towards me the moment I opened the door, making me wonder if I should call the cops to report a burglary or the paramedics because Alice had gone mad. For a moment a tiny spark of hope flickered, thinking that Bella had returned and all would be well again. It was only then that I recognized the smell: Esme's homemade apple pie.

"Edward, there you are!" I heard her voice before I spotted her, standing at the kitchen counter as she plowed her way through the enormous pile of dishes that had gathered there since neither Alice nor I had felt like washing them.

"Mom?"

"Of course." She sounded almost indignant as she made her way over to me, wiping her hands clean on the apron she wore before enveloping me in a hug that only a mother could give. "Did you really think I'd leave both of my babies all alone to deal with their misery?"

It was the safety and comfort of her embrace that finally made me lose it again, after days of frantically trying to keep it together. "I miss her so much, mom," I managed to choke out in between the tears.

"I know honey," she sighed, rocking the two of us slightly back and forth, "but I also think it's time for another one of our talks, don't you think?"

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_**I know this might not seem much with Edward and Bella still being apart, but I also hope you'll understand why I see this chapter as a very positive turning point in the story. Bella has taken the first big steps on the road to recovery and is starting to see the mess she's left behind, while Edward has Esme to comfort him and steer him in the right direction. **_

_**By the way….did anyone notice the absence of a certain item of jewelry in this chapter? Hmm, I wonder what happened to it….**_

_**I also want to remind you that there won't be a chapter next week. HF-week has left me completely exhausted and with a heavy dent in my stash of chapters. I will, however, post a lengthy teaser of chapter 27 on the twilighted boards on Tuesday. You can find a link to the Foundations-thread on my profile. **_

_**As always…please review.**_


	27. Foundations

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**As always much love for my beta **__**xparawhorextwerdx for fixing this chapter and doing so at a very short notice because I am stupid and forgot to send the chapter to her. Love ya! **_

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**Foundations**

**March 2000**

"What the fuck are you still doing here?" I growled, coming out of the shower. I thought I had made it pretty clear to the damn bitch that I wanted her out of here as soon as possible. "I thought I told you to be gone when I got out of the shower."

"I thought you might like a repeat performance of last night," she purred, trying – and failing – to sound seductive as she lifted the bed sheets to revel her naked body.

"I don't do re-runs," I growled, though I couldn't stop the effect her tits had on my dick.

Dammit!

If word got out that Edward fucking Cullen had succumbed to fucking the same pussy twice and even let it sleep in his bed, my whole reputation would go to the dogs. I should have fucking known better than to get laid when I was so fucking tired.

Edward Cullen didn't do sleepovers. Ever.

I sighed to myself. This was bound to happen. I had been so fucking picky about who I took home with me after the Irina-incident, even going so far as to cut back on my intake so that I would remain at least somewhat lucid. I'd had a lucky escape with the Russian bitch, but I wasn't about to risk getting in the same situation again. As nice as pussy her had been, it certainly wasn't worth the hassle of getting married, or divorced.

I had done some looking into the matter as soon as I got back. I mean…not that I didn't trust Juno's insight into the matter, but I wanted to be sure the bitch didn't have anything to hold over me. Much to my relief it soon turned out that I was in the clear, since I had never signed anything during the ceremony and considering that there had never been any sort of civil ceremony involved.

Thank God.

However, it appeared that once again my standards were slipping. I mean…I would have had to have been pretty out of it last night if I didn't even remember to kick the fucking bitch to the curb once I was done with her. It must have been the added effect of having gone without booze and blow for a couple of weeks so that I could focus on my MCAT's and shit so that I could get into a decent Med School.

"Come on, Eddie," she purred, opening her legs to showcase her wet, bare pussy. "You know you want to…." Her eyes trailed down to my dick which, by that moment, was straining in my pants.

"Very well then," I growled, sagging down on the sofa opposite the bed as I opened the buttons on my pants, freeing my hard cock from its confines. I growled, knowing I was letting my standards slip, but at least fucking the same girl twice wasn't as bad as walking around with a hard on half the morning or getting my hands dirty. "Hop on, help yourself." I was going to be damned if I let this bitch have me on her terms.

No fucking way.

I made her face away from me as I pounded into her, hard and relentless, figuring fucking her like a whore would erase any feeling she might have had of her presence becoming a permanent fixture in my life.

The bitch beneath me moaned and writhed like the slut she was, the friction and the sound of skin slapping against skin making me loose myself in my own pleasure when a loud gasp pulled me out of my haze.

"Get the fuck away from me!" I growled, not bothering to look up. It was probably Juno anyway. She had the annoying habit of walking in when I was otherwise entertained. I think the bitch got off on seeing me fuck someone else. "Can't you fucking see I'm busy?"

"Edward!"

The sound coming from the doorway definitely wasn't Juno. It was the voice from my past.

Esme's voice.

"Fuck!" I yelled, my dick softening almost immediately and retreating back into his confines, shielded by my hands.

"Owch!" the bitch complained as she fell to the floor, my hands no longer holding her upright.

"Get dressed," Esme commanded. I didn't look up but I could have sworn her face would be all scrunched up in disgust. "Both of you. I'm going to leave for a couple of minutes and when I get back I intend to have a conversation with my son without the presence of a third party and with all traces of what I disturbed gone."

The bitch knew better than to go against the force of nature that was Esme when she was pissed off. If this situation wouldn't have been so fucked up I might have even found the haste with which she scrambled for her clothes and legged it out of my room like her fucking ass was on fire. Amusing. That was…if the woman who raised me hadn't just walked in on me when I had a girl bouncing on my dick.

"Are you decent?" Esme's sharp voice sounded from the other side of the door.

"I guess," I shrugged, zipping up my jeans. I didn't bother to get up. Why would I?

"Edward," she snapped as she walked in, glancing around the room as if to check if I didn't have another naked girl hiding under the bed or something. "What on earth do you think you're doing?"

"It seemed pretty damn obvious to me," I snickered, folding my arms behind my head.

"Did you lose every proper sense of propriety along with your ability to speak in a civilized manner?" she questioned. "What about that poor girl's reputation? Or yours?"

"I didn't look like the girl cared about her fucking reputation to me," I grumbled, not liking where this conversation was headed. "At least…not from my end of it."

"I don't believe you can be so callous about sex," she answered in a disapproving tone. "In fact….I didn't believe my eyes when I walked into the room. I never would have thought to see that, not did I ever want to." She took a deep breath and I had the feeling it was to keep her deep disappointment from spilling from her eyes. "This…" She waved over at me, her hand shaking terribly. "This isn't the boy I raised."

"If you didn't want to see it, you should have stayed downstairs and waited for me to come to you," I shrugged, grabbing a bottle of water as I tried to fight my gut reaction of hanging my head in shame and begging my mommy for forgiveness. "Why are you here anyway?"

"I came here to visit you," she replied, her voice straining to remain calm and civil, as she sat down on my bed, her fingers brushing along the fabric with a hesitation as if she half expected to get jizz in them or something, "and to see for myself if there was any truth in the allegations one of my friends from the garden club made against you and your….less than discriminating attitude towards the other sex." I noticed her hands, folded in her lap, were clasped together so tightly that they were as white as a sheet. "Believe me," she continued, "I wouldn't have come here had I known what I was going to step into."

"It'll teach you to stick your nose into other people's business," I growled, her high and mighty tone really starting to wind me up. "You should know better than to hover all over me. I'm not a baby anymore, and I was never even _your_ baby to begin with."

She remained silent for too long and I knew I had gone too far. I may have been angry at her for barging in on me when I was on the brink of cumming, but that didn't give me the right to go off at her like that. She was Esme, the woman who had held me when I got scared in a thunderstorm…I had no business making her cry.

"I have a hard time recognizing the boy I raised in the man you've become," she finally spoke, her voice quivering with emotion. "Your parents would have been mightily disappointed if they saw you like this."

"Sure," I growled, venting my self-hate on her. "Just bring up the dead folks! And don't act like somehow every conversation doesn't end up being about them!" I was fuming by now. I knew she was right. From what I had heard about them, my parents would have been disgusted by what I had become, but that didn't mean I gave a damn. They were gone anyway. "You know what?" I barked at a startled Esme. "I'm fucking tired of being stalked by their ghosts and I'm fed up with living in a fucking museum. I want to have some fun!"

"I think it is time for a serious conversation, Edward Antony Cullen," she spoke, her voice hard and devoid of all emotion. Esme had put on her game-face. "I would appreciate if you came to see me once you've found out how to behave like a grown man. You know where I'll be."

And with that, she left me, ashamed and frustrated in more ways than one.

**xXx**

**January 2010**

_The smell of coffee and freshly baked something drifted towards me the moment I opened the door, making me wonder if I should call the cops to report a burglary or the paramedics because Alice had gone mad. For a moment a tiny spark of hope flickered, thinking that Bella had returned and all would be well again. It was only then that I recognized the smell: Esme's homemade apple pie._

"_Edward, there you are!" I heard her voice before I spotted her, standing at the kitchen counter as she plowed her way through the enormous pile of dishes that had gathered there since neither Alice nor I had felt like washing them._

"_Mom?" _

"_Of course." She sounded almost indignant as she made her way over to me, wiping her hands clean on the apron she wore before enveloping me in a hug that only a mother could give. "You think I'd leave both of my babies all alone to deal with their misery?" _

_It was the safety and comfort of her embrace that finally made me lose it, after days of frantically keeping it together. "I miss her so much, mom," I managed to choke out in between the tears._

"_I know honey," she sighed, rocking the two of us slightly back and forth, "but I also think it's time for another one of our talks, don't you think?" _

I nodded, just being grateful for whatever force had brought her here.

"Tell me what happened," she insisted, walking me over to the couch where we sat down, facing each other. "Alice told me some of it, but I would be lying if I didn't say that her version wasn't a bit…one-sided."

"What can I say?" I started, "She left me…." And with that I proceeded to tell Esme everything, from the way we'd been driven apart by the strains our careers and busy family life had put us under to the appearance of Irina, and all she didn't yet know about my past dealings with the bitch.

She just sat there, for most of my story, listening calmly and quietly without reacting, though I knew some parts must have been hard for her to listen too. Especially the part where I told her I married a woman in a drunken stupor, only to find out she had played me like a cheap piano.

"Oh Edward," she sighed, when I finished, placing her warm hand on top of mine. "My darling boy. How hard it must have been for you."

I looked up, completely shocked. I had expected anger and disappointment, not compassion. Not even from Esme. "You're not mad at me? I told you some pretty bad stuff."

She let out a small sigh, her shoulders rising and falling in a gentle shrug. "It's nothing I don't already know." She smiled at my horrified expression. "Rest easy, Edward. I didn't know the exact details…but I taught myself a long time ago not to be shocked by any skeletons coming out of your closet. I'm…sad to hear how you let it come that far, but I also know _that_ wasn't the real you. Just like the woman who ran away from you probably wasn't the real Bella."

"I just feel so helpless," I muttered, trying my damndest not to break down like some toddler on his first day at kindergarten.

"I know," she nodded, her hand gently squeezing mine, "but Edward?" I looked up, catching her determined yet compassionate glance. "You really don't have to."

"What?"

"You're sulking, Edward," she answered with a wry smile. "You're hanging around the house all day, being miserable while you wait for Bella to decide your future, when you should be out there, fighting."

"But…" I tried to remonstrate, but before I could even form a proper sentence my mother interrupted me.

"I know Emmett has asked you to leave her in peace for now and I also know that right now that might seem logical, but sometimes you have to force things to make them work and I truly think that this is one of those situations."

"I can't believe you're asking me to cause her more pain!" I yelled, jumping up from the couch. "Like I haven't hurt her enough!"

"Sit down, Edward," she commanded, patting the cushions next to her. "And for heaven's sake; stop overreacting. I'm not saying you should go over there and force her to take you back." She shook her head, as if to give more power to her words. "All I'm saying is that Emmett and Rose might have decided what is best for Bella right now, but that doesn't necessarily have to mean that that's what's good for you, for your marriage and for your children."

"I don't understand," I replied with a frown. Surely all parties concerned would be better off if Bella would be well again.

"Emmett is right when he says that Bella needs some time to deal with everything that has happened lately," Esme explained, "but I don't think that she should be doing that on her own, shielded from the rest of the world. At least…not without letting you know what is going on first."

"Don't you think that if I forced my hand now, I would lose her forever?"

"Is that what's been keeping you back for so long?" she asked.

"I can't lose her, mom," I said. "I love her too much. These past few days have been the worst of my life, but at least I can hope as long as she hasn't decided anything yet."

"I know it's hard, Edward," she replied softly, one arm encircling my shoulders, "but you can't go on living in Limbo. You have to talk to her…tell her how you really feel. Give her your point of view to take into account when she comes to her decision." She paused for a moment, catching her breath. "If you want her back, you're going to have to fight for her."

"I am!" I tried to argue. "I have been trying to help her for ages but it seems that everything I do only makes matters worse!"

"And why is that?" Esme asked, a wry smile playing on her lips.

"Do you think we would be sitting here if I knew?" I growled in frustration, dragging my hand through my hair.

"I'll tell you," Esme replied calmly, her eyes fixed on a tiny speck of dust on the upholstery. "It is because you both fail at communicating." She fidgeted in her place as she sought for the right words. "I know you've always tried to protect Bella and make all of this easier on her, but sneaking around her back, keeping secrets and trying to draw up a padded wall around her isn't the answer to your problem."

"I haven't…" I started.

"Oh, yes you have," Esme replied in a strict voice. "But it's not a fault you have been making on your own. She's as much a guilty party in this as you are." She paused to catch her breath, her eyes blazing warningly into mine, telling me that objection wasn't welcome. "God knows what she must have been feeling lately, but she hasn't shared any of it with the outside world. Had she done that, you could have helped her deal with her troubles and supported her in the way a husband should, instead of hiding in your work. Which, by the way, is another thing you've both been guilty of."

She sighed, the sadness in both her eyes and her voice making me realize how hard this was for her. "I should have seen this coming. For months now I've seen the two of you grow apart because of the strain you were under but I didn't know…." She looked up at me with tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. "Had I known the true nature of your problems I would never have stood by the sideline. I would have made the two of you sit down and talk it out."

"I know," I sighed.

"But it's not too late," she insisted. "You can still make this work, as long as you're willing to fight for her and for your marriage."

"It seems pretty hopeless," I admitted, "she won't even speak to me…"

"It is not impossible," Esme replied with a smile. "Remember? We've worked some miracles together before."

**xXx**

**March 2000**

"Esme?"

I walked into the room feeling very small, the memory of what had happened before still fresh in my mind.

It had taken me three days to get here.

Three fucking days.

When Esme left I had been fucking enraged. How dare she just barge in and judge me. Who did she think she was? God? Queen fucking Victoria with her high and mighty morals? I was of age and in my own fucking room. I could fuck whoever I wanted whenever I wanted and if miss prissy society queen wanted to just barge in she'd either have to accept whatever the hell she saw or get the fuck out of there.

It was only after I had found a constructive outlet for my anger (Juno) that I started to see sense.

Esme

I had yelled at her…

She'd seen me fucking some common slut...

I had all but chased her away…

"Edward!" she looked relieved to see me, yet there was still a lot of caution in her eyes.

"I…." I didn't realize how hard it would be to get the words out until I started to speak, which was kind of shocking to me. Me, Edward fucking Cullen, the guy who could get every girl in the fucking room to lay flat and beg to be fucked at the drop of a hat. Stammering like a fucking idiot wasn't something I was prepared for. It was almost as fucked up as having to apologize to your step-mom for something that wasn't even your fucking fault to begin with!

"Yes?"

I took a deep breath, steeling myself against what was to come. "I came here to apologize…" I started, shrugging my shoulders and congratulating myself on a job well done when a glance in Esme's direction told me that maybe this wasn't going to be so smooth and easy after all.

"Then, by all means, apologize," she replied, calmly, her 'I take no shit from you' look firmly in place.

"Huh?"

"You said you came here to apologize," she clarified, "but I have yet to hear an 'I'm sorry' from you."

"Well, then I guess I'm sorry," I grumbled, wondering what the hell her problem was. I was trying, wasn't I? Why was she getting on my case like that?

"No you're not," she replied with a wry smile.

"Excuse me?" I gasped.

"I know you, Edward," she replied sternly, "I raised you. You may be able to fool many with your lies, but not me. I know you're not sorry. You feel bad about upsetting me, but you're not sorry for what you _did_ to upset me."

"What the hell is your problem, woman?" I snarled, jumping up from the seat I had taken, still not believing my fucking ears.

"You need help, Edward."

"No I don't!" I yelled. "I might be the college slut but I'm not some fucking idiot basket case!"

"You're a boy who lost his parents at an early age and has been wallowing in his loss for as long as you knew what wallowing is…and maybe even before!" she cried back. "You might not see your own problems because you're so busy hiding from them, but that doesn't mean everyone else is as blind as you are!"

"I. Don't. Have. Problems," I hissed, regretting the lapse in judgment that had told me that coming here would be a good idea.

"Keep telling yourself that, Edward," she spat back, "and while you're at it: ask yourself what drives a boy to shield himself off from the world in a field of flowers, and a young man to seek distraction in debauchery!"

"You have a lovely way with words, Esme," I replied, feeling my anger slipping through again. "Why don't you just call the beast by its name? I like to fuck women. What's wrong with that? I'm a twenty year old male! If you wanted to put every horny twenty year old in therapy, there would be a line around the fucking block!"

"Would you just listen to yourself?" she pleaded, her own composure slipping along with mine as she continued, her voice raised and her eyes conveying her despair. "You're throwing yourself away because you're too stubborn to face your problems and fears. How long do you intend to go on like this, Edward? Until you've successfully ruined your future, the future you've been fighting for ever since you were old enough to understand what Carlisle did for a living? Because I can tell you, it's heading that way! Or do you plan to go on until you've had every woman on the East Coast?"

I was shocked. In all my years living with Carlisle and Esme I had never seen her so upset. In that moment it was like a cloud lifted from my brain and – for the first time in God knew how long – I could see myself clearly.

And what a fucking mess I was!

"I'm sorry," I muttered, after a silence that seemed to have lasted forever.

"I know you are," Esme replied, the hurt still clear in her voice. "I know that somewhere, deep down inside, there is that sweet and considerate boy I raised, begging to come out." A sob broke though, forcing her to pause for a moment before she continued. "Please, Edward, let him out."

We talked after that or – better said – I talked and she listened. It was like Pandora's fucking box had opened, making me spill every damn secret I'd had bottled up for the last three years. I told her everything…well almost everything. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about Irina.

Esme was a champ. Even though she must have heard a whole lot that made her cringe or want to fucking puke or something, she never as much as moved a muscle in her face to show her disgust. She just sat there and comforted me when I needed comfort. When I was done she gave me the number of a therapist nearby who specialized in young people dealing with the loss of one or both of their parents. She told me, though she would always be there for me to talk to, I needed help to learn how to deal with my loss before it destroyed me.

And as hard as that was for me to admit…I agreed.

I found myself standing inside some club downtown a few hours later, wondering how the fuck I got there. I must have been in shock or something, just following routine like a fucking sheep, because there was no way in hell I would have ended up here had I had my wits in place. Not after the conversation I'd had this afternoon with Esme, and later with Doctor Van Helsing, who, starting tomorrow, would be my therapist.

This was so not good.

I looked around the room, seeing nothing but the ghosts of pussy past. I could have sworn there wasn't a girl in the room I couldn't remember getting intimately acquainted with one way or the other during the past three years. They were fucking everywhere, grinding into each other on the dance floor, eyefucking me from one of the couches or trying to chat up some other random looser, some of which I would have called my friends days ago. James was cozying up somewhere to my left with a girl I faintly remembered taking up against a dumpster last year after homecoming while Laurent, from the looks of it, was getting a handjob from a girl called Cris (or Criseis, the very Homertastic name her parents had given her, poor girl) who's hand skills were legendary around this place.

A few days ago I would have been fucking smug, seeing a room filled with former conquests and my rivals making do with my sloppy seconds. Right now, however, smugness was the last thing I felt.

Most of all….I felt so ashamed.

**xXx**

**January 2010**

"Any ideas mom?" I asked, not knowing how to go about it when she wouldn't even speak to me.

"You need to talk to her, for starters," a voice from the doorway spoke. "But you need to get yourself in order before you even think about doing so."

"Dad?" I didn't know how long he had been standing there, but from the look on his face I gathered long enough to learn m ore than he probably ever wanted.

"Son," he nodded, sitting down on my other side.

"You didn't think Carlisle would stay behind to mess around with other people's brains while his children needed him, did you?" Esme playfully scolded.

"I don't mess around with anyone's brains, thank you very much!" Carlisle huffed, "but I guess Esme's right. I couldn't very well stand by and watch two people who love each other in the way you and Bella love one another be driven apart."

"Then what do you think I should do?" I asked, sighing deeply as I tried once again to wrap my head around everything that had happened over the last couple of days. "I don't know anymore…"

"I think you should take Doctor Wilson up on his offer, for starters," Carlisle spoke.

"I don't know, dad," I sighed, torn between the two things I had been fighting for. "I just don't see how I can make it work. My long hours and the presence of Irina were what drove us apart in the first place."

"It's possible," he chuckled, "as long as you manage to straighten out the Irina-situation I don't see why it wouldn't work out. That is…if you really want it to.

"How did you do it?"

"It's tough," he replied, "I'm not going to lie to you. You're going to have to remind yourself everyday that you're a husband and a father first and a surgeon second, but if you _want_ to make it work then I have no doubt in my mind that you _can_. I know it goes against the grain for a doctor to cut back on his hours, or even go home when his shift ends, but you're going to have to learn how to do just that."

"And you're going to have to let Bella help you with that," Esme added. "I know it will be very hard for her to speak up, but she's going to have to learn how to stand up for herself and demand your attention whenever you appear to get sucked in by the job."

"Bella needs your support in this, as well as you need hers," Carlisle went on, taking Esme's hand in his. "I think her difficulties in that department are one of the things that lie at the base of this situation, but the two of you are going to have to grown and learn, just like Esme and I had to." The look he gave her was one of pure love and respect, making me realize once more how well suited they were for each other and how much I wanted that same thing with Bella.

"Marriage is tough, Edward," Esme said, taking over again. "It's hard work if you want to make it good. Love is important, it is what lies at the base of a good marriage and what makes you want to stay together, even when times are tough, but there are other things that are just a important. Communication is one thing we've discussed so far, trust and honesty are others as well as knowing your boundaries and being willing to fight for them." She glanced at Carlisle, a playful smile gracing her features as she continued. "Carlisle and I have been able to make our marriage work for as long as it has, because we have been willing to fight and stand up for it and ourselves. There have been times when I wanted to dismember your father with one of his own scalpels for being absent so often and I'm sure he has had some very colorful ideas about me as well, but because we've learned, through hardship and misery to talk about our issues instead of letting them fester between us, we have been able to overcome them." She grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently before continuing. "As will you. I have no doubt about it."

"Just let this sink in for a day," Carlisle continued. "Talk to Doctor Wilson and try to work things out with him before you talk to Bella. I think you need to get your own head straightened out before you do anything else."

"I know," I muttered, still wondering how the hell I was going to pull this off.

"I will be here for as long as you or Alice needs me," she smiled, glancing over at Carlisle who was nodding his assent. "I'm sure your father will be able to manage on his own while I'm away." Her eyes focused on me again, narrowing as she tried to read my face. "You still have doubts."

"I just don't know if I can pull it off," I muttered. "I know I have to do something….but if I screw up and lose her because of it…"

"Just remember what it feels like to be without her," she said, patting my hand with a small smile.

I nodded, for a moment letting the pain wash over me. The pain caused by a huge gaping hole in my chest. It was a pain I knew only too well.

I felt it then and I felt it now.

**xXx**

**June 2002**

"Fuck! What a sorry sight you make!" James snickered from the doorway. I wondered how he got in. I sure as hell never gave him a set of keys or an invitation to the flat I shared with Riley, one of my roommates from freshman year.

I had moved out of the house I shared with James and the rest of my former clique two years ago, when I broke with them, and moved into a decent two bedroom apartment in town. Riley had been more of a necessary evil at first, someone to keep me from relapsing into my old ways, but I had grown accustomed to his presence, even if he could be annoying at times.

Right now, I just wished he would quit hovering.

After Bella had left so suddenly and with no clue of why and where I just wanted to be alone. I had spend the last couple of weeks living between hope and fear. Hope, that somehow I could get through to Bella or that she would at least call me and tell me how disgusted she was with me. Fear, of seeing every prospect of happiness I had dares to entertain ever since I met her destroyed.

So far there had been nothing. No phone calls, no letters, no replies to the message I had left with that sourly sounding woman who had answered the phone at her house.

Nothing.

Riley must have caught on to something, though I had to admit that _that_ must not have been too difficult. I hadn't exactly been good company over the last couple of weeks. He had started fussing over me like some mother goose ever since I got back from Florida, always trying to get me to go out and 'have fun'. So far he had been unsuccessful.

The thought alone of going out made me sick. As much as I had shunned college parties – and all other parties, to be honest – since I had reformed my ways out of fear of suffering a relapse, the thought that that life, the life of a selfish manwhore, following his dick around campus, was what had driven Bella away made me give up on the whole thing altogether.

I couldn't help but smile, thinking how she was still my motivation to be a better man, even now that she'd left me.

At least I could do that. I could try to be a better man so that maybe – if she would ever give me a second chance – she would see how hard I was trying.

A sound, the scraping of a boot over the solid wood floor of my bedroom, shook me out of my thoughts.

James.

"Huh?" I remembered James was still waiting for some kind of answer, though I couldn't remember what the hell he'd been saying.

"Damn!" he snickered, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "That bitch sure did a number on you!"

"You don't get to speak her name," I hissed, the pain and anger of having my heart cut out again still fresh but the urge to defend my love stronger…for now.

"I'm only saying it as it is," he shrugged, trying to look all cool and superior as he leaned against the doorframe. "If only you had listened to a word I said and didn't get involved in the first place, you never would've ended up like this, Eddie."

"My name is Edward," I snarled.

"Whatever," he said, rolling his eyes. "How many times do you have to stub your toe to see that guys like us are made to play the field, not to get all serious and fuck. You fucked up with the Russian babe, and now you've fucked up all over again with this girl." He chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm almost beginning to think you liked being fucked over."

"Get the hell out of here, Madison," I hissed.

"Come on, Ed," he insisted, grabbing my shoulder and trying to get me to stand up. "Let's go out. You and me buddy. I'll find you some pussy to play with because damn, you need to get laid. It will take you mind right off the frigid little bitch! You know…screw the memory right out of your…."

Before he knew it I had him pinned against the wall with a letter opener pressed against the frail skin above his carotid artery. "What the…." He gasped, his arms and legs kicking aimlessly into the air.

"I told you not to speak her name," I growled, losing my focus for a second as the reference connected to the image in my mind. Bella writhing underneath me, her face flush with arousal, her plump lips parted and begging to be kissed as I moved inside her.

James used my distraction to shove me away and reclaim his smug motherfucker of a grin. "Eddie," he scolded, shoving me in the ribs just for kicks, "You know you could never hurt the king. "He shook his head, as if the thought alone was ridiculous to him. "You might be fast as fuck, but if you want to kill the master you have to be a hell of a lot stronger, buddy."

"I'm strong enough to kill you," I shrugged, knowing it was true. "Just leave me alone. I don't want to be around people right now and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be around you."

"I'm beginning to feel the same way," he growled. "I don't make a habit of hanging out with pussies like you who spend their day moping over some girl." He walked back to the door, turning around one last time before he left. "If I may give you a friendly piece of advice though: get a life!"

I shrugged, knowing that for one sweet moment I really thought I did. For three amazing days I had lived in the illusion of hope, of a life spend with a woman I felt I could love more than I had ever dared to think I could love someone. Three days, until the bubble burst and my world turned back into the dark wasteland it was before.

There was no life without Bella.

**xXx**

**January 2010**

My heart was pounding in my chest as I rode the elevator to Emmett and Rose's apartment. I had followed Carlisle's advice and taken a day to get my own affairs in order before traveling here for what was going to be the most important conversation in my life.

And – believe it or not – fate seemed to be on my side.

A returned phone call from James and a long conversation with Wilson had ensured me that Irina wouldn't be a problem for much longer. In fact, her dismissal would be one of the first things the new head of surgery would see to when he would arrive at the hospital. With a plan in place, my nemesis out of the way and my parents behind me one hundred percent, that left only one matter to deal with…..

"I've come here to talk to Bella," I announced as her brother opened the door.

Emmett's face fell. I knew he was at least party on my side in all of this, even if he would rather eat his own balls than admit it. He was behind his sister one hundred percent, even if he didn't agree with the choices she had made and I respected him for it, even if it wasn't helping my case. "She's not ready yet," he finally replied, "maybe in a few days…."

"I appreciate that," I stated calmly, not wanting him to think that I disrespected him, "but I want to talk to my wife all the same and I'm not leaving before I do."

"Edward…."

"I'm not here to hurt her, Emmett, or pressure her into things she doesn't want to do," I went on. "I just want to talk to her, see how things stand…I think I deserve that."

"It's okay, Em," a sweet voice behind him spoke, unsteadily but not so much so that it would make me back away from the task I – or better said: Esme – had set myself.

"Bella," I whispered, wishing Emmett would move aside so that I could see her.

"Why don't you come in?" she asked, a small, pale hand wrapping around her brother's arm and pulling him over to the side. "I'm afraid Rose just left with Libby and Masen's still asleep but…"

She looked beautiful. Pale, nervous and still a bit tired, but the most beautiful woman I had ever seen none the less.

"As much as I love our children, I didn't come here to see them," I said softly, fighting the urge to pull her close and cradle her head in my hands. "I came here to see you. I _needed_ to see you."

"Bella?' I had almost forgotten Emmett was there. His voice being both apprehensive and warning as he stepped closer to his sister, shielding her from me as it were.

"I'm fine Emmett," she reassured him, her eyes flittering away from mine for a moment to him before turning back to me as she went on. "Why don't you go join Rose, Libby and Charlie at the park while we talk?"

"Are you sure?" His words were for her, but the warning in his eyes was for me. _Hurt her and I'll hurt you._

"Yes," she managed a smile as she looked at him again, "now go!"

He gave me another warning glare before he took his coat and left, leaving the two of us standing in the doorway in an awkward and increasingly laden silence.

"Do you want to come in?" Bella finally whispered, after what seemed like a lifetime.

"Please," I managed in reply. "So how's living with Emmett and Rose?" I asked, wanting more than anything to keep the conversation going.

"Interesting," she mused, playing with a loose thread on her sweatshirt.

"Interesting?"

"You know Emmett and Rose, right?" she replied, a smile breaking though for the first time. "They are very…physical in their love for each other…..You never know what you walk in on when you open the door."

"They aren't…" I groaned, wondering what this household might expose the children to.

"No, God no!" Bella snorted. "They know better than to do anything when they think the kids might walk in on them. I just wish they extended the same courtesy to me…'

"And how are you?"

"A bit better," she replied softly, preceding me into her living room where we both took a seat, me a safe distance away from her.

"That's so good to hear," I sighed, inwardly rejoicing that she didn't ship me off with another 'fine'. I didn't know if I could have taken another one of those.

"I know," she nodded, her eyes brighter than they had been for weeks. "I know I'm not there yet, but it feels good to know that I'm taking small steps in the right direction." She fidgeted with her hands, making me think she had something more to say. Something difficult. "I'm seeing a therapist," she said after a while, blushing when I caught her glancing at me from the corner of her eye. "I mean…I've only been there once…but it's been good. He's going to help me get through the burnout and stuff but also with dealing with my other problems…." I was edging to ask her about them but I knew she needed to tell me out of her own free will. "My low self-esteem and my issues with my mom…" She glanced upwards, her eyes silently asking me for a reaction.

"That's great, love," I said, once again dying to touch her. I wanted to hug and kiss the hell out of her for being brave enough to do this. "I'm relieved that you've found a way to get through this. You can't imagine how worried I have been about you…."

"I know," she muttered, looking away from me. I noticed how she sat, huddled up in the huge armchair with her arms wrapped around her legs, almost in a protective, cocooning way. It made me cringe inwardly that she thought she needed protection from me, that she felt awkward in my presence.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't mean to make you feel uneasy…"

"I know," she nodded, still not looking at me, "but I also realize that what I did was both foolish and childish. You don't have to spare me…." Her unease and sorrow for having caused me pain triggered something inside, something that had been bottled up for days, something that made me want her back, more than anything.

"Come back home." I blurted out the words before I knew it. As soon as m brain kicked in again I wanted to bang my head against the solid glass coffee table for having spilled my verbal diarrhea like that. How could I do a stupid, fucked up thing like that? Bella needed space and stability to heal, not her fucked up jackass of a husband pressuring her to come home because he couldn't hack it on his own!

"What?" Her eyes snapped up into mine, a myriad of emotions flashing in the bog brown orbs.

"I mean it," I said, still mentally kicking my ass though the thought of her being home again started to become stronger now that she appeared to be confused instead of revolted or angry. "Come home to me. If not as my lover then just as my friend. I need you…"I sighed, running my hand through my hair. This was coming out all wrong. "I miss you…It would be a practical solution…I mean….with the kids…."

"Edward…." She sighed, but there was no accusation or pain in her eyes, only understanding.

"House is gone and I've been awarded a restraining order against Irina so she won't be a problem anymore….Her days at the hospital are numbered anyway…" I continued my rant. "Meanwhile I can make myself as scarce as you want me to. I'll move into the guest bedroom on the second floor and I'll make sure my shifts at the hospital coincide with the times you are home…You won't even know I'm there."

I looked at her, hoping she would understand my need to have her in the house, even if it meant we would live as strangers or flat mates for the rest of our lives. I needed to know she was close. I needed the hope to keep myself functioning.

"The hospital?" she asked, a deep frown marring her perfect face."But I thought you left?"

"How do you know? Did Rose run into Kate at the gym?"

"No," she said, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. "Alice told me."

"Alice?"

"She was here yesterday…"

"No!" I groaned. I knew my sister had very fixed ideas about who was to blame for our situation. She was furious at Bella, though I did suspect some of her anger came from her own frustration about how things ended between Jasper and her.

"It's okay, Edward," she said softly. "I actually found her honesty quite refreshing. They made me see how much my actions have hurt others." Her voice quivered as she spoke. "I've been so selfish lately…"

"Bella," I sighed.

"No," she interrupted me, "please let me speak. I know part of my actions over the last couple of weeks can be explained by the burnout but that doesn't make my actions excusable or any less despicable. I hurt you…I kept you in the dark…no matter what the outcome would have been, I could have at least had the common decency to talk to you."

"We both failed at that," I admitted. "I don't know how or why it happened, but somehow be lost contact….." Bella nodded, her eyes once again fixed in her lap. "It was like we weren't broadcasting on the same frequency anymore.."

"I know," she sighed, "it's one of the points I need to work on according to my therapist."

"So do you?" I asked, trying to draw her back to the question that still hadn't been answered.

"What?"

"Do you think can still make this work?" I looked at her and, for the first time, she met my gaze. "Do you think we can make 'us' work?" I clarified, just so that there wouldn't be any misunderstandings.

"I don't know," she replied. "I love you so much and I've never stopped, not even when I hit rock bottom, but I don't want to rush into anything…Not when there's so much at stake."

I nodded, seeing where she stood in this. "I know we need to work on a lot of things – trust and honesty being the main things – before we can be a couple again, but I do think that it is in both our best interest and those of the children that we do that while living under the same roof."

"I don't…." she started hesitantly, but I was too riled up to even let her finish her argument.

"Please, Bella," I grasped her hand in mine without even thinking but she didn't pull back. "You're free to leave at any time if it doesn't work out or if it gets too much for you. But please…just give it a try." I quickly checked myself when I realized I was once again pressuring her. I needed her to make a decision based on her own feelings, her own happiness, not on mine. We wouldn't stand a chance of she did this just to please me.

"Okay." She spoke so softly I almost didn't hear it, but there it was.

Hope.

"Okay?"

"Yes," she spoke decisively, a small smile curving her lips. "Okay. On one condition…"

* * *

_**Big step. I know. But Edward did a very smart thing (imo) by suggesting they live separate but together.**_

_**What do you think Bella's condition will be? And what did you think about this chapter as a whole? Please let me know.**_

_**The twilighted thread is where all the teasers, pictures and clues about what is to come are. A link can be found on my profile page.**_


	28. Alone together

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

_**Remember: small steps will get you to the finish line just as well. And sometimes even faster than big ones…**_

* * *

**Alone together**

_**February 2010**_

What the hell was I thinking agreeing to this? I must have been either out of my mind, suffering from selective amnesia, plain stupid or all of the above but here I was…home again, a notion that caused feelings so contradictory to bubble up inside me, that I was beginning to wonder if I shouldn't be better off in a mental institution. On the one hand I was so happy to be home, my insides were doing a celebrational Marcarena. On the other, however, I was scared to death.

What if this decision killed us?

As much as I didn't want to dwell on the thought, I had to at least face the facts. Our marriage was shaky at best, even in spite of the fact that I was moving back in with Edward. If we wanted to make this work, we'd have to start all over again. We'd have to built our trust from scratch and we had to learn how to be open and honest and not dwell too much on the things that lay behind us.

But the past was part of the present too.

As much as I had to deal with the deep scars my past had caused on my self-esteem and self-worth, I knew that I wasn't the only one who had some stuff to come to terms with. Edward had his own demons to slay as well.

It had been the one condition I had made when I agreed to come back.

It had been nine days since that fateful day when he turned up on Emmett's doorstep looking both fiercely determined and scared to death. I could still remember it like it was yesterday since it was the first moment of absolute clarity I'd had ever since I awoke in Emmett's guestroom the morning after Black Sunday. For a moment I was afraid my brother was going to deck him when he refused to go away, but even though I knew my brother could be intimidating as hell when he was angry, Edward never as much as moved a muscle.

Seeing him there, the traces of his grief and misery so evident in his face, made Alice's words hit home with the force of a jackhammer. I think it was then that I'd decided to fight for him. For us. For a smile on his face. I so wanted to be normal again, that moment.

"Are you sure about this, squirt?" Emmett asked as he carried the last of my suitcases into the bedroom. "Because you know if you have any doubts about whether or not you're doing the right thing I'll be happy to haul all of this stuff right back down to the Jeep, no questions asked. Eddiepuss will just have to deal with it." I knew Emmett was a bit less enthusiastic about my decision to come back home than I was. He was probably thinking I was doing it just to please Edward. But I wasn't. This was good. I felt it. I knew it. If only it didn't make me so nervous….

"I'm sure," I replied, calmer than I was. "I'm scared as hell…but I know I'm making the right decision."

"Have you talked about it with your shrink?" he asked.

"I have," I nodded, barely containing my amusement at his vain attempt to be stealthy.

"And what did he say?"

"That everything I bring up during our sessions is purely confidential and that I am under no obligation to tell my nosy ass of a brother a bloody thing about it," I chuckled, throwing a pair of socks at his head.

"Not fair!" he pouted, catching the socks without even looking. "I think I deserve at least a bit of the juice considering how I picked your pathetic little ass up from the floor when you were down and out!"

"Technically speaking it was your lovely wife who picked my pathetic little but up from the floor," I scowled. "And I will tell you….when I'm ready."

"And when is that?"

"When pigs fly!" I snorted, whacking my brother in the shoulder. It felt good to be back to our old ways of teasing and carefree banter. It was refreshing after so many weeks of everyone tiptoeing around me and handling me with kid gloves.

"Well, then don't be expecting any help from me when the evil stepsister comes back for round two!" When Emmett had found out about my run in with Alice a couple of weeks ago he had been fuming with rage. The only things that stopped him from going over to Alice's apartment were me standing in the doorway and the fact that he was against using physical violence on women. But even then…it had been a close call.

"Behave, Em!" I warned. "She was only doing the same thing you would have done for me: looking out for her brother."

"That don't mean she had to bite your damn head off!" he grumbled.

"She was only doing what she thought was best," I defended Alice. "And you have to cut her some slack. She's been through a lot lately." He rolled his eyes at me and I could see he was only trying to hide his anger from me. "I mean it, Em," I warned. "I expect you to be nice to her when you run into her."

"I'll try," he pouted, looking pretty disgruntled still before a huge smile broke through. "How about telling me what the good doctor has to say about Renee? A good story would definitely make me more inclined to be civil to the evil dwarf, you know."

Actually, the subject of my mother hadn't come up yet. Or, at least, not that often. For now both of my weekly sessions with Doctor Frazier Crane were focused on discussing what had happened over the last couple of weeks and how to prevent them from happening again. Underlying causes would be tackled after that and I had to admit I wasn't looking forward to those particular sessions. Not at all.

"I don't know…" I mused, tapping my finger against my bottom lip. "Are the two of you ready to tell me about Rose's pregnancy yet?"

"How?" he gasped. "Did Rosie?"

"Nope," I grinned. "I found that one out all on my own. "I swear, the two of you are even worse at keeping secrets than I am!"

"How long have you known?"

"About six days," I replied. "I overheard Rose making an appointment with her OB/GYN the other day."

"Does Rose know you know?" Emmett frowned, rubbing his chin as he kept avoiding looking at my face.

"Nah," I shrugged. "I figured you would tell me when the time was right."

"We would…we were," he scratched his head, looking very uncomfortable and almost reminding me of when he had to tell our mom that he broke her precious lava lamp. "I mean…"

"It's okay, Em," I snorted, saving him from further embarrassment. "I understand…I'm not mad."

"Thank God!" he sighed. "Believe me, we would have told you if…"

"If you wouldn't have thought it would have turned me into an even greater mess," I finished for him. "You were probably right, though I would have been happy for you none the less. I know how much you wanted another baby." Emmett almost glowed as he looked at me, his bulky frame emanating happiness. "You're going to be a great father, Em. You already are."

"Well," he shuffled around nervously, always uncomfortable with getting praise, "I'd better get going. My Rose is going to have my ass if she's going to have to wait for her strawberry cheesecake any longer."

"Give her a hug from me," I chuckled, knowing firsthand how crabby a pregnant Rosalie could get if she wasn't getting fed on time. "Oh and Emmett?" I called after him.

"Yes, baby sis?' he replied, turning around again in the doorway to flash me his huge grin.

"Thanks!" I dropped the stuff I was holding and ran over to hug, wrapping my arms around his body – or at least as far as they could go – as I tried to mimic his bear hug.

"No problem," he answered and I could feel his chest vibrating with the sound of his voice as he returned my hug. "I'll always have your back, pipsqueak. You'll always have a place with us."

"I know," I replied to an empty room as I heard my brother's heavy footsteps descend the stairs, soon joined by Libby's much lighter step as she said goodbye to her uncle. Those two had become as thick as thieves over the weeks we had spend at Emmett's place.

I could still hear them laughing and joking as I continued packing my stuff away in the closet, trying to ignore the emptiness on my left side. Edward's side….

It still felt wrong, him being upstairs while I was here, in our bedroom.

"Baby steps, Bella, baby steps," I told myself as I closed the door, reminding myself of the sessions I had with Doctor Crane over the last couple of days. Most of our conversations had been about my shaky relationship with my husband, the problem having grown more acute since my decision to move back in.

I had actually been a bit weary of Doctor Crane's reaction to my decision. I knew I had made the right choice, or at least…it felt like the right choice to me, but what if Doctor Crane would disagree? What if he thought it would be the biggest mistake I could ever make?

Thank heavens none of that happened.

Whether or not he agreed with my decision, my psychiatrist had at least called it 'interesting' which I gathered was a huge step up from 'stupid'. Most of our conversations since then had been about how I was going to handle being back, try to be completely open and honest to him about how I was feeling and learning to decide where my boundaries lay and how to defend them.

Yes, I was going to learn how to stick up for myself.

God help me.

But that wasn't all. Apart from learning to 'defend' myself I also wanted to grow into my role as a surgeon's wife. I knew that if I wanted to be with Edward and expect him to stand behind me, I would have to do the same for him. Instead of running away or cowering in a corner, I wanted to be confident enough to enjoy it and interact.

I sighed, closing the door on the half-empty closet. I knew I had a long way to go before I would get to that point.

If anything, Doctor Crane had advised me to be realistic about my progress. During our second session, when the success of our first meeting had had me convinced that come summer I would be right as reign again, he had reminded me that as good as it was to have a goal and sense of purpose, the human brain didn't always cooperate. I'd have to somehow resign myself to swimming with the current and see where it took me or risk being pulled under if I committed myself to timelines and schedules which might proof to be impossible.

"Mommy?' Libby's voice pulled me out of my thoughts again.

"In here, honey!" I yelled back as I heard her footsteps grow louder. "Did Uncle Emmett leave?"

"Yep," she replied as she twirled into the room. "Do you need help?"

"All done, I'm afraid," I smiled, knowing how much Libby enjoyed organizing closets and..well…everything that had anything to do with clothing. "But you can help me with Masen's clothes."

"Okay!" she responded quickly, skipping out the door before I could way anything else.

I chuckled, following her into my little boy's room where a vast array of suitcases and bags was lined up neatly against the wall, it's volume almost twice the size of what I left here with.

I listened closely for any sounds coming from downstairs where my little boy was dead asleep in the living room as I grabbed the baby monitor from my bedroom and tested the thing to see if it was still working. He'd been fussy all night, his cries and whimpers waking me up several times as well but though his temperature was still slightly elevated he seemed to be doing fine now. He had fallen asleep in the car on our way over here and had been sleeping ever since, not even waking up when I got him out of his car seat and laid him down in his downstairs crib in the study.

"He's still asleep," Libby said, peeking out of the doorway of her brother's room. "I just checked."

"Masen is so lucky to have a big sister as caring as you are," I said, pulling Libby into a hug and kissing her on the head.

"Auntie Alice says that it's never too soon to be nice to your brother because you never know when you might need him later," Libby replied, dead serious. "She said I can always remind Masen later of how I used to change his dirty nappies but I didn't quite understand what she was saying…"

"You will when you're older," I chuckled, not feeling up to initiating my innocent little seven year old into the fine arts of bribery just yet.

We spend the evening just hanging out, watching a movie and settling in. I think Libby was very happy to be back home, with all of her things and her own bed.

As was I.

As welcome as I had felt in my brother's home, I was still a guest there. With three small children running around the place as well as three adults the place had been a little cramped and apart from that…it was severely lacking in Edward. Being home again, surrounded by Edward's things and his smell I felt like I was finally back where I belonged. I had been stupid, trying to deny my feelings for that man.

Stupid and hurtful.

It would be some time before the pain I had caused would be undone and we could go back to acting like a couple. But today, snuggling into our sofa in our living room, looking at the pictures of our family I felt like for the first time in months I could breathe freely again.

**xXx**

I woke up the next morning to the familiar sound of the front door falling into its lock.

Edward.

He had volunteered for a gruesome thirty-six hour shift so that I 'could settle in without him hovering about' (his words, not mine). We had decided that starting slow would be a smart thing to do, which meant that, for now, Edward had gone into a self- inflicted exile on the second floor. I had tried to make him see that all of that wasn't necessary but he had been adamant that I needed the space he was giving to me to decide when and where I wanted to make the next step. The ball as in my court now. Still, I felt bad, chasing him out of the house and home like that and even worse because part of me was a bit relieved by it. I had to do something for him to show how grateful I was for that. How much I loved him because of it.

I went downstairs shortly after I had heard his heavy footsteps dragging his no doubt worn out body up the stairs, a lock falling into place over my head almost simultaneously with me opening the door to our bedroom.

"Did you see daddy when he got back home?" I asked, still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Yes," Libby nodded, slurping some of her cereal up from her spoon. "He asked me if everything had gone okay yesterday and reminded me that we have our second horse riding class on Saturday."

"Did he say anything else?" I felt conflicted, not wanting to put my daughter through a third degree but dying to know how my husband was doing as well.

"No, not much. I offered him my cocoa puffs but he said he wasn't hungry," she said, dragging her spoon though the brown substance in her bowl. "I think he just wanted to go to sleep. He looked very tired."

"I'm sure he must have been," I nodded, "he's been on his feet for almost two days."

"Two days?" Libby's eyes almost popped out of her head.

"Yes," I nodded, "so how about we do something nice for daddy this afternoon when you get back from school?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know," I frowned, pondering all possibilities. I had hoped Libby would immediately come up with some plan. My creativity was still missing in action. "How about we cook him a very nice dinner tonight when he wakes up? He must be hungry after working for so long…"

"Good idea!" Libby replied enthusiastically. "Can I help with the cooking?"

"Of course, sweetheart," I smiled. "How about I pick you up from school and we go over to the Supermarket together to pick out the ingredients? I'm sure your aunt Rose won't mind looking after Masen for a bit longer."

"Okay!" she squealed, spooning up the rest of her cereal with a whole new vigor.

I chuckled, shaking my head at her energy so early in the morning as I walked back upstairs and quickly dressed myself before getting Masen ready for his day.

I heard some noise coming from upstairs as I tried to get Masen to stop sticking his feet into his mouth so that I could put some pants on the little guy.

"Please, darling, be a good little boy for mommy and let me get you dressed," I pleaded as I listened closely to the footsteps which appeared to be heading for the stairs.

"Mama!" Masen squealed, going for my hair.

"Yes, mama," I nodded, quickly guiding his chubby little legs into his cute dark gray cargo pants while avoiding the hands that seemed dead set on messing up my hair.

The footsteps stopped.

"Up!" Masen urged me, sticking up his arms as I put the finishing touches on his clothes and grabbed his diaper bag.

"Come here, angel!" I chuckled, loving the way he clung to me as I carried him out of the room, his face nuzzling in the crook of my neck as he muttered something inaudible.

My heart was pounding in my chest by the time we reached the stairs. I knew Edward was up there somewhere and, if my ears hadn't been deceiving me, he was standing right at the edge of the stairs. Part of me wanted to sprint up, throw my arms around him, beg him to make me his again and forget the rest of the world existed, but I knew I couldn't. Not yet anyway. What I could do, however, was at least wish him goodnight.

When I looked up, carefully planning out my steps so I wouldn't fall down the stairs while trying to catch a glimpse of my husband, I couldn't spot him in the faded light that entered through the stained glass windows.

"Boo!" Masen squealed all of a sudden, almost making me lose my balance as I was still trying to decipher any movement upstairs.

"Masen!" I cried, my anxiety finding an outlet in a nervous chuckle. "Don't you go scaring mommy like that!"

Through my words I could faintly hear footsteps retreating up above.

I sighed, lightly disappointed that I didn't get to see Edward but then again, there was always tonight.

I didn't have that much time to dwell on what happened since – apart from having to get Libby to school on time and dropping Masen off at his aunt's – I had an early morning appointment with Professor Bell to discus my future at the university. It was another conversation I dreaded, though I knew it had to happen sooner or later.

I knew I was in no fit state to go back to work right now. Things might have been looking up for me over the last couple of weeks, but that didn't mean that the beast had been tamed. I knew that if I got back to work right now, I would be back to square one in no time, and that was a place I was really looking to avoid.

On the other hand I wasn't exactly looking forward to being fired either. Tough as it had been, this job was everything I had ever dreamed off. My return to work, whether it was this semester or somewhere further into the future, had been something that had been briefly discussed in my most recent session with Doctor Crane. At first, I had been adamant in not wanting to go back to my job at the University. Ever. The place had nearly broken me after all and I wasn't eager to go back and do it all again. Still, over the last couple of days I had started to miss certain aspects of it; the research, the challenge, the sense of fulfillment….In the end I could come to only one conclusion: I did love my job.

Did I love it enough to risk losing my family and health over it? Hell no! But, if by some magical force a solution to my problems would present itself, then I'd be willing to give it a try.

Not that it mattered anyway, though. I was sure a top University like Columbia wasn't going to keep a poorly functioning member of staff like me on just because they felt sorry for her. I had to face the facts: I had blown my chance. The sad thing about it was that I had done so because I had worked myself into a frenzy, trying to keep it.

Or had I?

That was where my mother came in. Of course, hindsight was always 20/20 but even Doctor Crane agreed with me that my mother had probably played a big role in my stubborn refusal to see what I was doing to myself and my family. However, blaming her for all the bad things that had happened to me was too easy.

I had problems and even though one of my problems was her, it wasn't fair on her to use her as a scapegoat.

I felt like throwing up as I entered the building. I was prepared for what I was going to hear but that didn't mean I was looking forward to it.

"Are they in?" I asked the receptionist, nudging my head in the direction of Stefan's office.

"Bella Swan?" she asked. She looked familiar, though I had never really spoken to her.

"Yes."

"Go in," she chuckled. "They are expecting you."

"Thanks!"

"Oh and professor?"

"Yes?" I wondered how long I was going to be called 'professor'. I had a feeling this might be one of the last times.

"Amy told me to give you her love. She was so sorry she couldn't make it today but she had a class she couldn't get out of," the woman said. "She told me to ask if it was okay if she dropped by later this week."

"Tell her I'll be looking forward to it," I beamed back, relieved that apparently I hadn't been forgotten.

"Good luck!" I heard the receptionist say behind me as I took a deep breath and knocked on the door to Professor Stefan Bell's office.

"Bella!" Both Stefan and Professor Vladimir Tepes looked up from the papers they had been studying. I had to stifle a laugh when I thought about how they reminded me of the meerkats in a documentary Libby and I had been watching a couple of nights ago. "How wonderful to see you again!"

"It's good to be back," I smiled, taking my seat opposite my two bosses. Here went nothing.

"Ah, before I forget," Stefan said after the standard greetings and pleasantries were out of the way. "I want to give you these…" He handed me a folder, containing a stack of paper.

"What are those?" I asked, opening the folder and perusing its contents. They appeared to be printouts of e-mails.

"I had Anna pull these out of your inbox," Stefan explained. "They are all e-mails and letters of students and faculty staff, who were inquiring about you because they worried about your being absent."

"Oh!" I cried, unable to hide my emotion as I rifled through the stack of fifteen or so papers.

"It seems you've made quite an impression on your students already, dear," he smiled, patting my hand. "Which also brings us to the reason of this meeting…"

I took a deep breath, knowing that this was the point where they told me that, though I seemed to have been doing better a job at being a university teacher then I thought, it would be better if I looked for employment elsewhere.

"Over the last two years you have proven yourself to be a very valuable addition to our team," he started, "one we would loath to see walking out of the door." He paused and pulled his glasses from his nose, sucking one of the legs into his mouth as he looked at me. "It is why we want to make you an offer."

"Quit with the Godfather act!" Vladimir hissed, vibrating with impatience in his chair. He glared at his colleague before turning to me, his expression softening. "We wanted to let you know that there is still a place for you at this university for you next year. That is…after you've recovered enough to get back to work."

"You're not firing me?" I gasped. I couldn't believe they were offering to keep me on after everything that had happened.

"Not if you don't want us too," Stefan nodded. "Don't feel under any obligation to accept. We'll understand if you'd rather not, given the circumstances."

"No!" I half yelled in a hurry to accept their offer. "I want it. I just can't believe it!"

"There are a few conditions, though," he stated, his eyes tightening as he waited for me to react.

"Conditions?"

"Yes," Stefan chimed in. "They will be in place for as long as we think necessary and are meant to prevent you from overstraining yourself a second time."

"Okay…" I nodded, frowning as I tried to imagined what those conditions might entail.

"First off," Vladimir started, "you are forbidden from setting foot into this building from the moment you leave today until the start of Fall Semester in September."

"Forbidden?"

"Yes, forbidden," Stefan nodded, the severity of his words ruined by the lights dancing in his eyes. "You need to take at least the rest of this academic year off to recuperate and all of us know that that is never going to happen unless we impose some drastic – and maybe somewhat draconic – laws for you to abide by."

"What are you going to do?" I asked, "whack me over the head with the complete works of William Shakespeare as soon as I step foot into the building?"

"Be serious, Bella dear," Stefan chuckled. "Though…I have to say I kind of like your suggestion. After all, the great poet did say that the pen was mightier than the sword, even if it could only ever be a paperback I'd use to fight you with. I could never desecrate a hardcover like that."

"Okay," I nodded. "No visit's to the faculty until the start of Fall Term. Anything else?"

"Once you go back to work this fall, you will initially focus on your thesis. You will have office hours, along with all the other fellows, but you will not be teaching classes for at least one further semester."

I smirked, knowing I was going to miss teaching classes. But, if that was what it took for me to keep my job…. "Okay."

"Thirdly," Vladimir concluded. "We know you have been seeing a therapist to help you with the problems you're dealing with and we want to encourage you to keep doing so, but we also want you to participate in the University's SMT-program to prevent you from falling back into your previous pattern."

"I can do that," I nodded. In fact, it was something I felt I was going to need. As much as I wanted to prevent it, I was afraid that when I got back to work I would slip into my old patters of wanting to finish things or feeling I wasn't pushing myself far enough in no time at all.

It scared me to death.

"Good," Vladimir nodded as he rose from his chair. "Now, if you'll excuse me…I have a class to teach in half an hour and I need to prepare." He walked over to me and shook my hand, a slight smile making his features seem even more outlandish and slightly sinister than usual. "I'm glad you'll be coming back, Bella. I'll see you in September."

"Thank you," I smiled, barely containing my emotions. I knew it must have taken Vladimir a lot of trouble to let me keep my job. Not only did they have to find a solution for the classes and office hours I was supposed to teach, I was sure there had to have been gossip. After all…it wasn't every day that the two most senior professors of the English department went out of their way to have a former student keep her job.

He nodded and smirked his usual, slightly unsettling smirk before turning to leave.

"He's so chuffed to be in front of a classroom again," Stefan chuckled as we watched Vladimir march down the hallway. "The first couple of days I thought he was going to break out in song!"

I snorted, a nice visual of the thin and slightly creepy Rumanian-born head of the department chanting away like a chorus boy flashing in front of my mind's eye. "I'm sure that was quite a sight to see."

"He scared the wits out of half the staff!" Stefan added. "They thought he'd gone mental."

The conversation was cut short by the sound of the kettle whistling. Unable to stoop to the dramatic levels of vending machine tea or even the electric kettle, Stefan kept an old-fashioned iron kettle and a hot plate in his office, as well as a full tea service. His face took on that usual look of contentment as he measured the tealeaves into the pot and poured the hot water over it.

"Now, Bella," he said, making himself comfortable in his chair while he poured me a cup of tea from his old-fashioned Wedgewood teapot, his glasses fogging up as the liquid poured through the strainer. "Tell me about what happened. It must have been awful."

"It was," I sighed, "but I have a feeling that the worst is behind us now."

"You've moved back home, I heard."

"Yes," I took a sip of my tea, the heat scalding my lips. "It's going to be hard at first and I don't really know what's going to happen to be honest, but I love Edward too much to give up."

"Ah, love," Stefan mused. "Such a powerful emotion that so many excellent writers have described, but only few have come close to catching the essence of the feeling."

"Just let it out!" I chuckled. "I'm sure you've been gearing up to hurl some Shakespeare at my head all day. I'm surprised you've held it together for so long!"

"As apt as some of the great poet's words would be in this situation," he replied, "it wasn't Shakespeare I was thinking of."

"You didn't fall from your faith, did you?" I asked, baffled that Stefan, the man who lived and breathed Shakespeare would even considerer voicing another bard's words."

"Not in the slightest," he chuckled, before sitting up a little straighter and reciting from memory, his words never faltering as he spoke. "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not love, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains and have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned and have not love, it profith me nothing. Love suffereth long and is kind. Love envieth not. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doeth not behave itself unseemly. Seeketh not her own. Is not easily provoked. Thinketh no evil. Rejoiceth not in inequity, but rejoiceth in the truth. Bareth all things. Believeth all things. Hopeth all things. Endureth all things. Love never fails. But where there be propheses they shall fail, whether there be tounges, they shall cease, whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, but when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I fought as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things. For now we see though a glass dark plain, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then shall I know even also as I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, love - these three, but the greatest of these is love."

"That was beautiful…" I whispered, the words sounding slightly familiar but I didn't know where from. "Who wrote it?"

"Paul of Tarsus, one of Christ's apostles," he answered. "It's from the Bible."

"Now I know where I heard it before…." I gasped, a long forgotten memory floating to the surface again. "My father read it at my nanna Marie's funeral. It was her favorite verse." I remembered the moment clearly. I was ten when my dad's father and mother passed away very soon after each other. My grandfather succumbing to that horrible disease called cancer and my grandmother following soon after, probably because she had lost the will to live now the love of her life was no longer beside her to brighten her days. I had never really known them, but as I heard my father's voice, filled with emotion as he spoke the words, I knew that they must have been special. "The words sound so powerful and true."

"As is love, Bella," Stefan chuckled. "But I think I don't need to tell you that." He didn't wait for an awkward silence to fall before he changed the subject. "And how is miss Elizabeth fairing?"

"She's doing great!" I smiled, happy to be talking about something else. "Still driving her teachers up the wall with all her questions and still trying to help me out every step of the way. She's so good with Masen I'm beginning to wonder if the little guy wouldn't prefer me to take a step back and just have Libby mother him!"

"And how is the young lad doing? Still growing faster than you can keep track of?"

"Yep," I grinned, "and learning new words every day, though he still prefers 'mommy', 'daddy', 'Libby' and boo."

"Ah, yes," Stefan laughed along with me. "He's getting to that stage where you really have to watch your words if you don't want to be severely embarrassed by your children picking up language that might be a bit…advanced for them."

"Definitely," I nodded. "I would prefer not to go through 'numb nut-gate' again." It was inevitable that having a baby around Emmett, something would go wrong one day. Libby had been a little older than Masen was now when she had accidentally overheard her uncle berating one of his former buddies on the phone, using the word 'numb nut' . The onslaught of that had not been pretty and had forced me to miss a day of classes which was why Stefan – as my teacher – had gotten wind of it.

We spend another hour or so sipping tea and chatting before I left again, quickly running a few errands in town before I had to pick Libby up from school.

As the afternoon progressed I could feel the butterflies in my stomach start fluttering faster and faster with the thought of dinner tonight. It was a good thing that Libby was there to keep me focused, demanding a lot of my attention as I taught her to prepare a decadent meal of roast beef, potatoes and vegetables and a pecan pie for desert, or I would probably have burned everything.

I couldn't wait to tell Edward about my day.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"Doctor Cullen." Doctor Shepherd acknowledged my presence with a smile. "You wanted to see me?" A lot of things had changed since House had left the building, the atmosphere in this office being one of them.

"Yes, sir," I nodded.

"Please…being called 'sir' reminds me of my father and he's not someone I particularly like being reminded off," my new boss chuckled. "And you're not that much older than me anyway." He sat back, the picture of calm and relaxation as he looked at me. "So, what Is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

I took a deep breath, knowing this could turn out good or bad, very bad. "I wanted to talk to you about Doctor Romanova…"

"I figured you might," Doctor Shepherd said, not looking too offended at my apparent attempt at badmouthing one of my colleagues. Even if I was more than justified in my case. "I spoke to Doctor Wilson the other day. He told me something about your past dealings with her."

"Right," I nodded, not knowing how to interpret his words. "I know this might just seem as one ex badmouthing the other, but that is not what this is."

"Don't get me started on having to work with your ex!" Doctor Shepherd groaned. "So what is it you wanted to tell me about Doctor Romanova?"

I tried to calm myself before I continued, wanting to sound professional instead of like some disgruntled and jealous Doctor on a rampage. "I am sure you've heard of the….situation that occurred in this hospital a few weeks ago…" I started.

"You mean the night one of your colleagues almost killed a patient when she sabotaged an LVAD device?" Doctor Shepherd smirked.

"Yes," I nodded, "Well, it appears there's more to this particular situation than that." And with that I proceeded to explain to my boss everything I had learned about Irina over the past couple of days. I still couldn't believe what James had told me. It seemed almost to surreal to be true: a high class Doctor, elbow deep in the Russian Mafia to the point where one of her former 'benefactors' was pushing her to commit crimes against the law and everything her profession held sacred.

They must have had something on her to pressure her with, because according to James there had been an 'incident' involving Irina and the very same mister Mironov who had followed her to New York which had something to do with her trying to give him a boost up the transplant list. Even though they hadn't been able to make a solid case against her, the damage had been done. Irina was tainted goods.

It was only then that she had thought about trying her luck elsewhere.

She must have thought she had struck gold when she stumbled upon House who, blinded by his hunger for blood, hired her without digging deeper than her official record. He had given her the perfect way out and an opportunity to become a heart surgeon after all…if only she could get rid of the competition.

"But how did she get entangled with the mafia?" Doctor Shepherd asked, his face equal parts confusion and concern.

"She must have gotten caught up in it when she was still working as a model," I explained, praising posterity that I had had the good sense to talk to my sister first. "According to my sister there are a lot of shady people hanging around in that world."

"And do you have any evidence to substantiate your claim?" he asked. "This is a serious matter. We cannot have our staff compromised like that…if this story is true. You'd better have some good, hard evidence to substantiate your claim."

"I do," I nodded, placing the folder I had been nervously playing with on his desk and pushing it forward. It wasn't much, since none of this mess had ever made it into Irina's record, but hopefully it was enough to get rid of her. "Apart from the statements given, Doctors Wilson and Denali can attest to the facts leading up to the LVAD-incident and Doctor Romanova's behavior since she has started working at this hospital."

"Doctor Denali?" he mused, craning one of his eyebrows as if to ask me if I had gone completely mad.

"She's an excellent Doctor who fell victim to Doctor Romanova's less than savory tactics."

"Then she should have taken her anger out on Doctor Romanova," Doctor Shepherd replied, "not on her patients."

"I understand that si…erm…Doctor," I stammered, "but Doctor Denali is an excellent doctor who would never have done a thing like this if she hadn't found herself in an impossible situation…"

"Save it, Doctor Cullen," he interrupted me, "you might be able to convince me to get a look at this file, but not even you can save Doctor Denali right now. That is up to the Hospital Board. As for Doctor Romanova…considering her status at this hospital – or lack thereof – and the restraining order you have against her I know the powers that be are going to be very interested in this." He patted the folder "Thank you for letting me know of this," he went on. "I trust that I can rely on you to give further evidence when needed?"

"Of course," I nodded.

"Then I'll no longer keep you from your rest," he chuckled. "Go home, you look like you could keep over any minute!"

"Thanks!" I croaked, a wave of fatigue crashing over me now that my job was done.

I somehow managed to make it home without folding my Volvo around a tree and drawled my way through a conversation with my daughter, part of me feeling bad because I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying because the rest of me was already half asleep.

At least there was Saturday to look forward to.

I had somehow managed to get the hospital to agree to a work-rotation that allowed me to both spend a lot more time at home with my family while still fulfilling the requirements of my job. Even now that I was doing my best to keep as much out of Bella's way – as I promised – to allow her to heal without feeling pushed by my presence, I could still plan in a lot of time to be a father. This morning perhaps not being the best example of it, but it was so good to come home to a full house again none the less.

I was wide awake, however, when I heard a door opening one floor down after I had dragged my sorry ass up to the second floor.

Bella.

I could hear her move downstairs as she tiptoed through the landing and down the stairs. I knew what was going to happen. I had witnessed her morning routine often enough to be able to dream it. She'd go downstairs to see if Libby was ready, head back up to get dressed and tend to Masen and then go back downstairs again to get breakfast and leave.

I ducked into the room with the en-suite bathroom, knowing that if I'd time it right I would be in the shower until Bella would be downstairs again, since I didn't know if I could stop myself from going into our bedroom if I heard my wife getting dressed. This was going to be hard.

Really hard.

My body rejoiced in the feeling of hot water, washing away the double shift I had been on, my muscles slowly relaxing as I took care of the 'problem' that had arisen when I thought about my wife, dressed in her nightclothes.

Steam billowed from my chest when I stepped out of the en-suite and into the room where I kept my clothes since the one I had chosen to sleep in was too small to cram a wardrobe in. it had one huge advantage though: it was directly above Bella's bed. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and made it out of there as fast as I could, wanting to get into my bed before the cold got hold of me.

The first sound I heard when I went into the hallway was Bella talking to Masen downstairs.

Before I knew it my feet were walking the rest of me towards the stairs, my mind only catching up when I reached the top step. I wanted to go out to her, to see her, touch her, feel her, talk to her. But I knew I couldn't. I had promised I would wait for her to come to me, and so I should.

_But what if she wanted me to come to her?_

My breath hitched in my throat when I heard her pause at the top of the stairs. Was she waiting for me to make the first move? What was she thinking?

I had half decided to speak when I heard her slowly descending, the crown of Masen's head slowly getting visible from my dark hiding place on the second floor.

I sighed, knowing that the moment had passed, and turned to head back into my bedroom.

There would be other moments.

Sleep came faster than I thought it would after that and I didn't know how much time had passed before I awoke to the smell of dinner, drifting in from downstairs. The different scents – roast beef, spices and something sweet I couldn't completely decipher – made me wish I could just hop out of bed and head on down to join the rest of my family at the dinner table, but I knew it was too soon for that.

I was just trying to remember where I had left the stack of takeout brochures when I heard the door behind me open before tiny feet started to tiptoe towards my bed.

"Daddy?" Libby whispered. "Are you awake?"

"Yes, sweetheart," I croaked, my voice apparently not quite awake yet. "What is it?" I sat up, my eyes slowly getting used to the brightness in the room as I rubbed the sleep out of them and tried to bring some civilization to my messy mop of hair.

"Mommy asked me to ask you if you wanted to come have dinner with us," Libby said, recounting the message as if she had memorized it.

"Mommy wants me to have dinner with you?" I asked, my chest tightening with anticipation as I waited for her to confirm.

"Yes," she nodded, her brows scrunched up in a cute frown as if she was wondering why the hell that was out of the ordinary. "Are you coming daddy? I helped mommy cook."

"You helped, huh?" I chuckled, watching her face swing from confused to eager in no time. "Well, you can tell mommy that I'll be down in a minute."

"See ya daddy!" she squealed, planting a quick kiss on my cheek before bolting out of the room, her feet pounding on the wood as she raced down the stairs.

I think I broke a million speed records getting dressed and looking well enough to present myself to my wife. I didn't want to keep her waiting, but on the other hand, I didn't want to come downstairs looking like I had been living in a dumpster for some time. I wanted her to know I really appreciate her offer.

She was reaching out to me.

I had to keep myself from reading too much into it. Maybe she was just being practical. I mean, she knew I would probably be waking up around now and that I would probably be hungry when I did.

Maybe this was just her being kind.

"You're right on time." Bella's voice, filled with warmth and home spoke to me as soon as I entered the kitchen. When she smiled at me I had to physically grab hold of something solid to keep myself from bolting through the room and crushing myself into her.

"I didn't want to miss this," I replied, my voice barely reaching above a whisper. "Thank you for inviting me."

"It was the least I could do in return for everything you did for us…." She said, making me strain to keep my face from showing disappointment as my hope got dashed. I was too hasty though, because she spoke again, adding words that allowed me to hope as I had not yet allowed myself to hope before. "And after all….this is where you belong."

I knew what she meant.

This _was_ where I belonged.

Where _we_ belonged.

Together.

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_**I know it seems like Edward and Bella are still running in circles around each other instead of actually working toward a reconnection but you have to remember that it's still early days for them. Bella's breakdown happened less than two weeks from this point and even moving back in with Edward is a big leap forward for Bella. Taking the initiative for dinner is a huge thing for her (and them).**_

_**I hope you liked this chapter. Please review and let me know your thoughts. **_


	29. Small steps & giant leaps

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

* * *

**Small steps and giant leaps**

_**February 2010**_

The doorbell rang just as I got down from tucking Libby in for the night. I hesitated on the steps, afraid of who I was going to find on the other side of the door.

It might just be Irina.

It would be completely like her to leave with a bang, especially since all of her plans had blown up in her face. If I wasn't gloating as much as I was, I might have even felt sorry for her. I certainly wouldn't like to be in her shoes right now, returning to the city you'd all but fled from knowing the Russian mafia was eagerly awaiting your return. And it wouldn't be to exchange recipes….

She must have been desperate to win this fellowship, since it was her ticket out of the mess she had left behind. It didn't make her actions right though. She should have competed for the fellowship in an honest way, not by trying to underhandedly eliminate the competition. I could only imagine how she must have felt when her criminal 'friends' followed her to New York.

She must have been so afraid.

The bell rang again, this time followed by someone calling out my name. The sound of this very familiar voice took away all doubts I might have had about opening the door and I sprinted the rest of the way down, anger, elation and relief fighting for supremacy as I opened the door.

"Idiot!" I snapped, my hand flying out to slap my visitor before I could even think about it.

"Ow!" Jasper growled, latching his hand over his staining cheek. "I know I deserved that, but could you give me a heads up next time? You have a mean right hook!"

"Emmett will be so proud of me," I snorted, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "So you're back…"

"Yeah," he shrugged and it was only then that I noticed the huge backpack sitting next to him on the stoop.

"You need a place to stay?" I asked, trying not to think about how Edward might feel about me harboring the man who broke his sister's heart. I couldn't leave him standing on the doorstep, especially not since, judging from the dirty hobo look he was sporting, he didn't look like his budget would stretch to afford a decent hotel. After all, Jasper was my best friend, and he had been there for me countless of times before I got back with Edward, I couldn't leave him at the mercy of Brooklyn Bridge when he needed me, even if he might have deserved it.

"I wouldn't want to…."

"Nonsense, Jazz," I interrupted him before he could finish his sentence and I ducked to grab his bag, finding it utterly unmovable. "You're staying here tonight, though you can carry your own bags into the house. What have you got in there? An elephant?"

"Nah," he chuckled, dumping his bag in the foyer and stalking past e on his long legs. "The darn animals are too stubborn to stay still. It's just some bits and pieces I picked up on my trip."

"Were have you been Jasper?" I asked, as I guided him into the kitchen wondering what kind of leftovers I had in the fridge. I figured the guy must have been hungry. He looked like it anyway."We've been worried."

"I know," he sighed, "and I'm sorry for bailing like that but I just needed to clear my head. There was so much stuff I needed to figure out…I just had to get away from everything for a while."

"You could have left a note…"

"And then what? Have the whole Scooby Gang come after me?" he responded. "I needed to do this on my own." He paused, his hands playing with one of the shoulder straps of his pack before he looked up. "Have you ever felt like you had completely lost control about every aspect of your life?"

I nodded, barely containing a snort. Yeah, I had totally felt that.

"I just hated everything about my life…my job, my apartment and even , for a little while, Alice and her constant nagging to get married. It was like everyone was trying to pull me in a certain direction without ever asking me what it was that I wanted. I had to get away, even if it was only to clear my mind and get some perspective."

"Still," I shrugged. "You could have left a note….or a postcard, just to let us know you were alive."

"I know," he sighed. "But it did me a world of good to be out there on my own, though. I never felt so good as when I told Aro where to stick is damn job and, in a way, I finally get where Alice was coming from. With the way I was acting I can see why she needed some confirmation from me that I was as committed to our relationship as she was….I sure screwed that one up."

"Where did you go?" I asked after a while, the look on my friend's face telling me that the 'Alice-book' was closed for the time being.

"Far away from everything….into the wild."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know."

"See any bears?"

"Nope, did see a couple of snakes though."

"It sure explains the beard," I snickered, taking in Jaspers new rough appearance.

"Yeah, about that….do you think I could get a shower and a shave out of this sleepover? I'm feeling kind of grimy."

"You smell kind of grimy too," I nodded. "Go up, you can use the shower in my room as long as you're quiet. Libby and Masen are asleep."

"Wouldn't it be better to use the one on the second floor?"

"Better not," I said, knowing it would not go over well. "It's where Edward sleeps. I don't think he'd be overjoyed knowing you used his bathroom."

"Where Edward sleeps?" he frowned. "What the hell, Bells?"

"Long story," I said with a sigh. "I'll tell you everything there is to know once you get back. Now go up, while I heat up some soup for you."

"You're an angel," he grinned, giving me a friendly peck on the cheek.

"Hardly," I snorted. "Now shoo!"

He looked (and smelled) much better when he got downstairs again, apparently having dug up a comparatively clean outfit from inside his bag, though the stern look in his eyes as he sat across from me at the kitchen table snarfing down his food, told me I wasn't going to get away with stalling the inevitable.

"So," he said, in between bites. "Care to tell me what has dear Edward exiled to the second floor?"

"Not really," I replied with a heavy sigh, "but I guess I owe you an explanation since we're being all talkative and stuff."

Jaspers eyes nearly budged out of his head as I told him what had happened while he had been away. "Fuck Bella!" he gasped as I finished. "What a mindfuck you've been in!"

"Yeah, well, I tend not to dwell on it too much," I shrugged. "My shrink says I need to look forward."

"I never would have thought I'd hear you say that," he grinned. "Never in a million years."

"Neither did I!" I snorted. "But hey…God moves in mysterious ways. Did you know it was actually Emmett who pushed me to go?"

"No way!"

"Yep!" I nodded. "But not all the therapy in the world could have knocked sense into me like Alice did."

"Alice?" His eyes snapped up to mine and for a moment I was worried he had given himself whiplash.

"Yes," I nodded. "She came to see me when I was staying at Emmett's and…well…she was her usual self."

"I bet!" he chuckled, his worn face showing the old Jasper for a moment before it turned grim again. "How is she?"

"Coping."

"Coping?" He seemed to have to mull that one over, his eyes scanning my face for further clues.

"Yes, coping."

"How bad was it?" he asked, his pain naked and enormous in his eyes.

"Oh, Jazz," I sighed, searching for words to comfort him.

"I figured," he said before I could speak.

"She's closed herself off from the outside world," I explained, thinking back on how Alice had grown more and more detached from the rest of us ever since her relationship had been in trouble. "I think is has something to do with both not wanting to see the truth and punishing herself for what happened."

"Poor angel," he muttered, hiding his guilt ridden eyes behind his hair.

"You can't take the blame for what happened, Jazz," I told him, hoping my voice was stern enough to get through to him. "You can't be rushing into anything you don't want. Especially not when it's something as important as getting married. You should have talked to her though, but I realize I'm not one to judge you on that!"

"You're right," He sighed. "Things like that can't be rushed and I wasn't ready to walk down the aisle yet…" He paused, his hand clenching into fists. "But I could have given her something. I _should_ have given her something."

"What's done is done," I deadpanned, trying to remember what my therapist had said about situations such as these. "All you can do now is try to fix the mess you've created." I looked at him, narrowing my eyes as I pondered the possibility of this being only a flash visit. "You _are_ going to fix this, aren't you?"

"If I can, yes," he said, stretching his lanky frame as he yawned loudly. "But for now I could do with a good night's sleep."

"Then don't let me keep you any longer," I chuckled, noticing how embarrassed he was as he realized he had just basically told me to leave. "I've set up the sofa for you while you were in the shower. At the moment it's all I can offer, I'm afraid. Plus Edward's going to come back home around one but he usually just goes straight up to his room to sleep."

"It will feel like the fucking Four Seasons after spending weeks on a friggin' airbed."

"Good night, Jazz," I chuckled, putting the dirty dishes in the sink and rinsing them off.

"Night Bells," he smiled back as he made for the living room.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"Don't go calling the cops on me, Cullen," Irina sneered a she saw me standing in the locker room doorway, "I'm only here to pack up my shit before I leave."

"Touchy, aren't we?" I snickered, doing nothing whatsoever to hide my glee.

"Surprised?" she smirked.

"Just at the fact that you're such a poor recipient when the tables of nasty are turned," I shrugged, walking over to my locker to retrieve my cell phone.

"Why don't you call in the other two stooges so you all can go and get a good gloat in?" she huffed, slamming one item after another into a cardboard box. I would be surprised if her stuff survived the impact.

"Thanks for the suggestion," I replied back, closing the metal door of my locker before retracing my steps to the door, "but I think these kind of pleasures are best enjoyed privately."

And with that I closed the door on my former colleague and – hopefully – the worst few months of my life.

This was shaping up to be a good day. A very, very good day. At least, as far as work was concerned.

Irina had been send packing today, the new boss was still proving to be the complete polar opposite from House making work a lot more fun, and – best of all – I was going home to my family.

We had been making progress over the last few weeks. After our first – awkward – dinner, more had followed and we had even started to spend some time together away from the dinner table. It had been tough though, especially that first time. I could tell Bella had been as nervous as I was because she had been hiding her face practically all through the meal, her shoulders tense as she picked at her food.

I had been no better.

I's been thinking of something good to open up a conversation with all through the meal. It had to be something that would make Bella smile and engage her in conversation, but not something that would be too heavy, or something that would lead us back to the disastrous weeks that lay behind us. By the time dinner ended, I was still thinking…Not that we'd been lacking in conversation though. With Libby present at the dinner table, you'd be pretty much guaranteed that even the longest silence wouldn't cross the two minute mark. Still, I'd like to have had the balls to talk to my wife without the help of an eight year old.

The second try had been much better though. It was like we had both been determined not to let our nerves get the better of us again. We'd even worked up the courage to start a conversation together that didn't involve Libby or a subject Libby could be involved in. After that we'd slowly gone from 'glorified roommates' to 'best friends' again, not just sharing dinner and utilities, but taking the time to get to know each other again and mend some of the things that had broken over time. We both knew we had a long way to go still but talking was a start, and important start.

Bella had insisted that I, like her, would start seeing a therapist to help me deal with some of the issues that raged inside me. At first I had thought it was all nonsense. So I had a little baggage? Who didn't? The fact that I had lost my parents and had gone on a complete rampage once I hit puberty didn't mean I was still in a shaky mental health. Quite the opposite.

Bella disagreed with me, though, and her opinion was all that mattered to me at the moment, even if I had initially thought she was wrong.

It turned out she was right. I had some issues that needed dealing with and therapy seemed like the best place to do it. It was why once a week I walked my wife up to the sleek frosted glass door on the eleventh floor of a high rise building downtown before entering through an identical door on the other side of the small lobby to take up my spot on the much too slippery leather sofa bed in Doctor Crane's office for an hour while I talked and he listened and scribbled stuff down, which made me more nervous than it should.

It turned out Bella's shrink was one third of a family practice of which his brother and sister in law made up the other parts. Frasier, Bella's therapist and Niles, who was mine, specialized in 'regular cases, while Niles's wife Daphne had devoted her career in marriage counseling, something both the brothers were easing my wife and me into as well.

So far my second stint in therapy turned out to be ten times as successful as my first, probably because I now had a shrink who kind of suited me in his odd ways. He wasn't above speaking the blunt truth to me either. I felt so stupid when Doctor Crane made me see how hard it had been for Bella to open up about the troubles she was facing when all I would do was take the blame on myself. It made it very hard for her to open up, seeing as she didn't want to send me on another guilt trip and could even make her think I wasn't taking her problems serious. It was definitely something I had to work on. I had to learn how to be Bella's partner and supporter in her struggles before I could be her lover again and I was dead set to do a better job at it than I had before.

It had also been nice to talk about my parent's death to someone who wasn't related to me or otherwise familiar with everything that had happened. I was ashamed to admit that I rarely thought about them anymore and if I did, it was mostly about what other people had told me about them, not what I remembered. Doctor Crane made me realize that that wasn't so out of the ordinary. I had only been two years old when they died an Carlisle and Esme had been my 'parents' ever since. I had bonded with them in a way I had never bonded with my birth parents and it was only natural that I saw my uncle and aunt as my parental figures. Through our sessions I could see that at some point I might be able to give Edward sr. and Elizabeth a place in my life they deserved while still doing right by Carlisle and Esme without feeling guilty about it.

It would be a long and very difficult process though.

All in all things were looking up and I had every reason to be optimistic, especially considering my shift was supposed to end in half an hour, meaning I would be home before midnight, which was always a plus in my line of business.

"Doctor Cullen?" Doctor Vucelich called out from across the hallway as I made my way over to the nurses' station.

"Yes?" I knew Doctor Vucelich was looking for another protégé now that Kate no longer worked at the hospital. For a moment I hoped I would be considered. That was…until I thought about what that would entail.

More work.

"I have a 'clamp and run' scheduled for later tonight, you want in?" The look in his eyes told me that he had no doubt I was going to accept his offer.

"Thanks, sir," I replied without any hesitation, "but my shift ends in less than half an hour and I have a family to get home to."

"Are you sure?" he asked, the conversation reminding me of a similar one I had had with Doctor Wilson not so long ago. "It could be very beneficiary to your career, not to mention your chances at the fellowship, if you stayed. I'm sure your wife would understand…"

"I'm sure she would, sir," I replied. "And that's exactly why I won't put her in that position."

"If you are certain," the doctor sneered, making it very obvious what he thought of my decision.

"Absolutely," I immediately replied.

He gave me a disappointed glare before sighing and walking away in search of a more worthy candidate for his attention. I couldn't care less if I had disappointed my superior, even if it might have blown my chances of landing the fellowship since Vuchelich was on the committee. Right that moment I felt elated. I had chosen wisely, I knew that without a shadow of a doubt.

I was proud of myself, which was pretty much a first.

I looked at my watch. Only fifteen more minutes. I couldn't wait to get out of here, to tell Bella…and Esme. Like with me, therapy had taught Bella not to be too hard on herself. I could talk to her now and tell her about how I had made my family come first without her worrying she was ruining my career. She understood now, or at least was starting too, how much both she and the children meant to me.

"Is Vucelich humping your leg to get you on his team?" Garrett smirked, coming up beside me.

"How did you know?"

"He asked me first. I figured he would come to you after I turned him down. He's so predictable."

"Why did you turn him down?" A spot of Doctor Vucelich's team was something every heart surgeon dreamed about since the man was on his way to greatness. He was currently testing a very exciting new technique that would increase the survival rate on aortic aneurysms by a landslide. Rumor had it that if he pulled it off the Nobel Prize was pretty much in the bag.

House had been so jealous.

Somehow I thought that little fact was why Kate had been sucking up to the guy, even though Vucelich was every bit as pompous and arrogant as House was.

"As much as I love my Katie, I don't want her sloppy seconds," Garrett shrugged. "Plus, I don't think it would go over well if I told her."

"How is she holding up?" In the end, not even Doctor Vucelich had been able to save Kate from being fired from her job and as much as I regretted losing a good friend and a very talented colleague, I knew it was the only right decision. She had broken just about every hospital policy imaginable and even though the outcome had been that mister Banner would be walking out of this hospital later this week with a brand new heart, that could not be tolerated.

"Not great," he replied with a deep sigh, "but you know her: she´s not about to let this get her down. Emmett's going to have his hands full with her on board!"

"You're right about that!" I chuckled.

Emmett had offered Kate a job as a kickboxing instructor, something she was more than apt to deal with since she had been taking classes at Emmett's gym for years now. It turned out the two of them had known each other for almost as long as I had been in New York. I'd felt so stupid when I found out, especially since Kate had been nagging on and on about how great the gym was and how I should join her some day. If only I had taken her up on one of her offers I might not have wasted five years pining for Bella before we met again…..

Teaching kickboxing classes gave Kate something to do with herself (something which Garrett was extremely grateful for since she had pretty much worn him out) while she thought about what she wanted to do next. It wasn't easy for her. Like me, Kate had wanted to be a surgeon all her life and, like me, she didn't exactly have a backup plan for when her dream wouldn't come true.

"Go home, Cullen," Garrett grinned, when he caught me looking at my watch again. "You've only got ten more minutes on your shift and I owe you one for last Tuesday."

"Thanks man!" I said, patting him on the back and running out of there before he could second-guess himself. It was only ten minutes 'till midnight and if I got home soon, Bella might still be awake.

My wife had developed a habit of secretly waiting up for me when I was working late shifts. She thought she was being very stealthy, staying in her bedroom with only the bedside light on, but – as always – she couldn't fool me, not with the small sliver of light peeking out under the bedroom door.

I had noticed it the first time she did it, when I climbed the stairs to the second floor. The light had gone out as soon as she had heard me ascend the stairs. But it had been there….and it had made my hope grow.

Things were turning around again.

The absence of stress and time spend being home with the kids had done Bella a world of good. The dark circles and all around worn out look, which had become fixed features in her face, where gone now and her skin was slowly starting to retrieve something of that healthy glow that it had before all hell broke loose.

But what was most important: she was smiling again. This time not the fake 'I'm so happy I'm dying inside' ones she had plastered on her face when things were bad, but the genuine, radiant ones I had grown to love so much.

They also made me want to be more than just her friend again.

I drove home, traffic being easy for a change, and got home, pouring myself a glass of scotch to take up with me before I went to bed. Sure enough, as soon as I reached the first floor landing I spotted the dimmed light escaping from her bedroom door.

I took a deep breath, downed my drink hoping it would help steel my resolve before I knocked.

No response.

My mind was whirling with possible scenarios and actions. The gentleman in me knew better than to invade a woman's bedroom when she was asleep. I knew better than to sneak into the bedroom and ogle my wife like some creepy stalker. This side of my brain, the logical one, was backed up by the cautious part of me which was afraid of how Bella would react if I just barged into her room at night. They were under attack from the part of me that wasn't sure if she had heard me and wanted to take a look to see if she was really asleep. A part which was joined by the sick masochist in me who just wanted to look at Bella while she was asleep, even if I couldn't touch her or hold her.

I decided to knock again, a little harder this time, to see if I could get a reaction. I slapped my knuckles against the door as hard as I could without waking up Libby and Masen who were asleep on the opposite side of the hallway.

Nothing again.

I leaned my ear against the door, trying to listen for any sounds indicating there was someone awake on the other side, but the sound of Letterman probably fessing up to yet another affair blocked out any other noise in the room.

Panic joined team 'go in' at that moment, taking me back to that day, weeks ago, when I had stood in front of a similar closed room, right above me. I had to go in, if only to make sure she was still there. To make sure she was safe..….

My hands, always two steps ahead of my brain, had moved to open the door before I knew it and I stepped inside.

"Bella?" I whispered, my eyes zoning in on the sleeping figure on Bella's side of the bed.

"Edward!" she gasped, bolting upright, her frantic eyes flickering across the room from me to the spot next to her.

It was only then that I realized that she wasn't alone, a conclusion confirmed by the low, masculine groan that reverberated through the room when my shaking hands had finally found the light switch.

There was a man in my wife's room, sleeping on top of the sheets but still in the very same spot I used to lie. And what was worse…I knew who it was.

Jasper.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen **

I was halfway asleep when a small knock on my bedroom door startled me wide awake and made my chest constrict in an almost painful way.

Edward?

"Bells?" A voice that decidedly wasn't Edwards drifted through the hard wood of my bedroom door.

"Come in Jazz," I answered, releasing my breath. "What is it?"

"I want to marry her," he said, and I could feel his weight as he sat on the edge of my bed while my eyes slowly started to adjust to the light on my bedside table.

"What?" I managed to utter once my brain had caught up again.

"I want to marry Alice," he repeated. "Fuck! I spend three weeks in a fucking swamp trying to get away from her but all I could think about was how much I missed her and what I would say to her if I could get her to talk to me."

"A swamp?" I snorted, trying to think of Jasper's tall frame camping out in some smelly, mosquito infested place in the middle of nowhere. Even in spite of his accent, it was harder than I thought it would be. It did explain the smell of him though.

"Don't ask," he growled.

"O-kay," I replied, rolling my eyes at him. "So…you want to marry Alice?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"You think so?"

"Is that wrong?" He looked at me as if I was Martha Steward and he was trying to bake a cupcake to save his life.

"Well…." I started, sitting up on the bed, scratching my head as I tried to come up with a reply that would make sense. "It's one of these things that you kind of have to know….not guess at." I took a deep breath, seeing my words still weren't reaching home. "This is forever you're dealing with, Jazz. You've gotta be sure before you even think about popping the question, otherwise it wouldn't be fair on her or you!"

"You're right," he sighed, lying back on the bed next to me. "What a fucking mess!"

"That's love for ya!" I yawned, trying to fight the heaviness of my eyelids even if my tiredness was almost crushing me. Today had been a busy day for me, even without Jasper's visit, too busy for someone bouncing back from a burnout. And boy did I feel it now!

I must have lost my struggle at some point because the next thing I knew there was another noise startling me awake and this time there was no knock to wake me, just a sharp intake of breath followed by a man's voice calling out my name.

Edward's voice.

"Edward!" I shrieked, bolting upright as if the bed was on fire.

"Urgh," Jasper growled, trying to pull a pillow over his head as the lights came on.

I squinted against the light, trying to decipher the look on Edward's face.

Confusion. Disappointment. Anger.

"Edward, I can explain…." I started, my chest constricting when I realized how large my fuck up really was. I should have stayed awake and kicked Jasper out of the room before I fell asleep. I should never have even let him sleep at the house in the first place. I could have put him up at a hotel nearby or something….anything!

"I'm sure you can," Edward growled at me before turning his attention back to Jasper, his glare livid when he spoke. "You. Out."

"Edward…" I tried, wanting to at least keep on trying to explain how things didn't look as bad as they might have seemed.

"He leaves," he hissed, never taking his eyes of a now slightly frightened looking Jasper. "Then you talk."

Jasper took that as his cue to bolt from the bed (thankfully completely dressed) and leave as if his ass was on fire, turning his body away from Edward as he ran through the door.

"This isn't what it looks like…" I started watching as Edward's body, still tense with anger, stood poised beside the door, his eyes still trained to Jasper's retreating figure.

"I know it bloody damn isn't!" he spat, closing the door so as not to wake the children. "I know you're not stupid enough to cheat on me."

"Stupid? Really, Edward?" I yelled back. "I don't think stupidity has anything to do with it. I love you and I respect you. I would never even think about doing anything with another man!"

"Respect me?" he replied incredulously, his clenched fists flailing around his as if he were looking for an outlet for his anger but couldn't find any that wouldn't cause Libby and Masen to wake up. "For someone who claims to respect me you sure seem pretty dam eager to let another man into your bed." He paused, his nostrils flaring as he tried to catch his breath. "Our bed."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I hissed back, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"He disappears into fucking nowhere, leaving my sister heartbroken and the rest of us wondering if he's even alive and the moment he shows up again you invite him into your bedroom…the very place you're still pretty damn eager to keep me out of?" he fumed. "It's fucking ridiculous!"

"No, you are!" I yelled. "I can't believe you just said that!" I felt like throwing everything but the kitchen sink at his head at the moment, my rage overpowering everything else for a second. "What was I supposed to do Edward? The guy didn't have a place to sleep and somehow I didn't think you'd be so charmed to find him in your bed either!"

"You may be right o that one," he growled, "but don't you think it's a little, I don't know, overfriendly to go snuggling up to him?"

"He's my friend, Edward. He needed comfort…And anyway….did you hear me complaining when you made the decision to work side by side with your ex-wife?" I spat back.

"That's rich coming from the woman who was so grown up she tried to run away from her problems instead of dealing with them!" he snorted. It was like his accusation pricked the tension in the room, both of us realizing that moment that we'd gone too far. "Well, this is just a fucking mess," he sighed, his hands dragging violently through his hair.

"I couldn't agree more," I half-whispered. "When did we get to this? This jealousy….fighting….This isn't us."

"I know," he nodded, his voice soft and gentle, a huge change from his previous anger. "But at least we're not avoiding each other, or bottling things up anymore."

"I guess you're right."

This time his smile did reach his eyes, making my heart miss a beat as he flashed my special smile at me. "But that doesn't mean I don't still miss you…"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Having you around but not having you _around_….it kind of kills me," he started. "My bed is too cold for comfort…"

"But Doctor Crane said…" I started.

"Screw Doctor Cane!" he growled.

"I'd rather not, thank you very much," I countered. "I'm a married woman."

"Bella…" he groaned.

"I hear what you're saying," I replied quickly, not wanting him to think I didn't want to….far from it. "It's just….I'm still afraid of how it will work out."

"How about we give it a try?" he suggested. "We tried this living in the same house thing and it worked, so why not take it a step further? I promise to keep my hands to myself unless you ask me to employ them otherwise…."

"I don't know…." I was so torn. The largest part of me was so ready to take him back into my heart and my bed and give him whatever he asked for and more, but there was still the annoying part, speaking to me in the voice of Doctor Crane, which told me to be cautious and not rush into anything physical before all of our problems had been hashed out and dealt with. And we had a lot of work to do on that one…

"How about you go on a date with me?" he tried, his eyes closely watching my face for my reaction. "Just dinner and perhaps a movie? No strings attached. I pick you up and drop you off at your bedroom door without expecting anything…well, maybe a small peck on the cheek if you're up to it," he blushed, looking adorable and completely flustered as he feared he'd gone too far. It was the look on his face that made up my mind.

"I'd love to!" I replied quickly, saving him from further embarrassment.

"Great!" he chuckled, still looking a bit awkward shifting his weight from one foot to another,. "And tell Jasper he can use the spare bedroom on the second floor. No man sleeps in _this_ room but me."

"Okay," I nodded, the firmness of his statement making me more aroused than it should.

"You know…" he hesitated, dragging his hand though his hair again. He was going to go bald if he kept that up.

"What is it, Edward?" I asked, reaching out and grabbing his hand before it could do more damage. He looked shocked, his eyes shifting between our joined hands and my face as if I had just shoved his hands down my pants or something as I realized that this was the first time I had consciously reached out and touched him since I had moved back in. It made me nervous and obviously him too. "Edward?'

"Ah, yes," he replied, his hand twitching in mine as he fought the urge to lift it to his head again. "You know…Vucelich asked me to scrub in on one of his procedures today…"

"That's wonderful Edward!" I gasped, knowing how huge that was. Doctor Vucelich was almost as well known as House had been before they sacked him. Earning his favor would be important.

"I turned him down," he said softly, his hand folding around mine and giving it a slight squeeze.

"Why?"

"I would have had to stay way beyond midnight, way beyond when my shift ended," Edward shrugged, trying to make light of the situation. "That's one sacrifice I'm not willing to make anymore. Not for anyone."

"But…" I started, unable to keep my word vomit from spilling out before all my hard learned lessons from therapy came back to me and I was able to catch myself before I spoke any further. "I'm proud of you….but do you think you made the right choice?" If there was one thing I had learned over the last couple of weeks it was that it wasn't a sin to have a husband who chose you and his family over his career some times, as long as he was doing what made him happy.

"Absolutely," he replied without a moment's hesitation, flashing his lopsided grin at me.

"Good," I nodded, fighting my nature as I grasped on to the happiness and pride that shone in my husband's eyes. "That's all that matters." Without thinking I took a big step forward, our bodies almost touching, and brought my arms up, wrapping them around him. Edward stayed completely still throughout, letting me dictate our closeness though I could feel by the trembling of his body how hard it was for him to stay still.

"Are you…." He started, his voice strained.

"Absolutely," I grinned, feeling proud of myself as I stepped further into him, molding my body to his.

"That's all that matters," he sighed, his scent enveloping me as he closed his strong arms around me.

By all accounts, this shouldn't be happening. I knew that a few moments ago I had been hesitant to go out on a date with him. But on the other hand…this felt so right. It felt good too. Better than I had imagined. I knew we weren't ready for anything more than this, but for now, this sufficed.

* * *

_**So yes, once again Bella acted without thinking about the consequences of her actions but this time it turned our rather good. Some things, though harsh, needed to be said in order for them to move forward. And I think you would agree with me that going out on a date is a huge leap forward.**_

_**I owe those of you who are still wondering what the hell happened to the ring an apology. I know I promised my big reveal this chapter but I was wrong. Mea Culpa. I promise it will be in the next one. If not, I hereby promise to offer myself up as a live piñata.**_

_**Please give me some love and/or your opinion on this chapter. God knows I need it. Contact dermatitis sucks when it's in your face and you can't scratch and look like hell even to the extent where your students start asking you if you're doing okay. Sigh.**_

_**Also, please visit **__**www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com and support Ninapolitan, tby789 and Lolashoes in their bid to raise money to help fight childhood cancer. It's a wonderful initiative these ladies have taken. **_


	30. Reconnaisance

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.**_

_**I'm sorry there wasn't an update last week. Work has been really busy lately and it has taken quite a toll on both my writing time and my level of creativity. Most of that is behind me now so I think there will be no recurrence.**_

_**Please bear with me though, I have to get back into things, meaning that this chapter isn't the most stellar piece of writing I've ever delivered. It is an important chapter though….**_

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**Reconnaissance **

_**March 2010**_

"Would you quit pacing around?" my sister growled at me as her eyes followed me through the room. "You're giving me a headache!"

"Oh, excuse me, miss high and mighty," I replied, rolling my eyes at her. "Would you prefer me to just throw myself out of the window and rid the world of my annoying presence?" The fact that Bella was one floor above me, getting ready for our date with the help of her sister in law, was enough to turn me into a nervous wreck. It was pathetic, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself from thinking up all kinds of scenario's for the night. And hardly any of them would have our date turn into a success. I knew that if Emmett were here he would have demanded proof that I hadn't actually turned into a girl somewhere over the course of the last couple of weeks.

"I think I liked you better when you were still depressed," she joked with a dramatic sigh, tapping her fingers against the wooden surface of the coffee table. "What time is Bella expecting you again?"

"Not for forty five minutes." Now it was my time to sigh. "And you know how Rosalie is going to react if I show up on the first floor before my ETA…."

"Yeah, probably not the best idea to do that," she grinned.

"So what do you and Libby have planned for tonight?" I asked, trying to find some distraction before my nerves would cause me to throw up or do something else that would give my sister enough ammunition to use against me for the rest of my fucking life.

"Nothing," Alice shrugged, a little too much innocence shining through in her voice.

"Alice…."

"Okay, so we may or may not try to breathe some color into Bella's wardrobe before Libby has to go to bed," she relented with hardly any arm twisting. "And stop glaring at me. It's not like I'm sticking needles into her brain or anything…just a little development aid."

"Christ Ali!" I growled. "I'm trying to get back into her good book. How am I supposed to do that with you snooping around and attacking her closet!"

"You're making it seem like I'm some sort of deranged guerilla fashion Nazi," she pouted.

"And you aren't?"

"Screw you!"

"No thanks!" I chuckled. "I'm not into incest."

"Stop it Edward!"

"Stop what?"

"Ugh!" she huffed in frustration. "I'm beginning to see why Bella left!" She stopped herself as she noticed the flash of pain in my eyes. "Well…" she fidgeted. "I didn't mean it like that. I mean…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Me and my big mouth. Now, please excuse me while I go cram a sock into it."

"Stay," I sighed. "Please?" As insufferable as my little sister could be at times, I preferred her company to total silence right now since silence would mean I was completely at the mercy of myself and the past had proven crystal clear that I was my own worst enemy in situations such as these.

"Kay," she nodded. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. Did you talk to mom today?"

"She called just before I left," Alice confirmed. "Apparently the whole of Chicago is in an uproar because one of the society ladies ran off with her pool boy. Mom practically had to hack her way through the gossip mongers with her umbrella to get to lunch. She and dad send their love, by the way."

"Did they mention coming back for Easter?" Esme had gone back home two weeks ago when she was sure that Alice, Bella and I were doing well again, or as well as could be expected, and that the kids had everything their hearts could desire. I had to admit that I missed her, even if it wasn't a very manly thing to do. She had once again saved me from misery and steered me towards safer waters again and I was well aware that I owed everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks to her. I knew it was selfish to keep her from her life and, most of all, away from the man she loved, but having her around, fighting my corner so to say, made me feel more sure of myself.

"She's not sure yet," Alice sighed and I knew she missed our mom as well. "It depends on how many people get sick. She won't let dad be alone for Easter and since he took a week off just now to come knock some sense into you, it seems pretty unlikely that he can get more leave." She rolled her eyes. "I don't know why, since he runs the place. He can just get one of his minions to take over, can't he?"

"Go get back to that bubble you live in, airhead princess!" I snorted, calling her by the name I invented when we were still kids. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Well excuse me for trying," she pouted, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms in front of her chest as she started focusing on some crap show on the television, thereby blocking me out.

This, of course, brought the nerves back out with a vengeance.

"For Heaven's sake Edward!" Alice growled as I started pacing around again after a while. "You're acting like you're about to be summoned to the block for your beheading! What are you so worried about anyway? It's only Bella!"

"Alice," I growled. I knew there had been a time when my sister's feelings for my wife could have been described as cold at best. I had thought, however, that since then things had improved a little. They still weren't speaking, or, at least, not to each other, but, on the bright side, Alice had stopped acting like Bella was the antichrist and Bella had indicated that she had no trouble entrusting our children to my sisters care for the night. It was a start, but nothing more than that.

"Shush!" she chuckled. "I didn't mean that in a bad way so there's no need to bite my head off. God knows I've apologized for that day often enough as it is!"

"To Bella?' I snorted, knowing Alice had done everything in her power to avoid _that _particular conversation up until now.

"I mean to say," she continued, completely ignoring my remark, "It's Bella we're talking about here. Your wife! What are you so afraid off? That she's going to stand you up? That she won't like the way you look?" She almost exploded when my only response to her questions was that my face grew even more pale. "God give me strength! You're such a dumbass Edward! The two of you made babies together for crying out loud! I don't think she'd let you sperminate her if she didn't at least like the look of you!"

"How very Perez of you," I growled under my breath.

"Quit pussying about and man up!" she snapped, punching me in the shoulder while glaring at me. She looked like a very small dictator again.

"Thanks for the suggestion," I smirked, rubbing my sore shoulder. "By the way….did you return any of Jaspers phone calls yet?"

"That is beside the point!" she snarled with a furious blush, knowing I had her cornered now.

"Oh really?" I pushed.

"Really," she replied with an evil gleam in her eyes. "Or would you rather have me start reminding you of how you've been harboring the enemy at your very home for days?"

"He's not the enemy Alice," I replied with a sigh, knowing we were going to have this conversation sooner or later. It was inevitable now that Jasper had vacated the premises and Alice deemed it 'safe' to come near us again. "You have to stop thinking in black and whites. There is a whole grey area waiting to be explored."

"Is that shrink-speak for "I'm a rotten bastard for befriending the enemy'?" Alice scowled.

I sighed, knowing that there was truth in Alice's statement. I had been a rotten bastard, or at least a lousy traitor of a brother, for allowing Jasper to stay in my home for a week and even having to admit I still liked the bastard, in spite of what he'd done to my sister. It was all so fucked up. I could see the guy was sorry for what he'd done and wanted to come clean. "Come on, sis," I chuckled. "Even you will have to admit to at least sharing the blame in this."

"Na-uh," she replied, shaking her head. "I'm perfect."

"Alice…"

"Okay, so maybe I'm not," she growled. "But he walked out on me, remember? He just upped and left without even as much as a word about where he was going or if he was ever coming back. I know we ended things before that…but it's still rather harsh."

"Then let him explain," I insisted, having heard the story from both Bella and Jasper over the last couple of days. "And then explain your side of the story. You both need the closure."

"He seemed perfectly content to leave things as they were," she grumbled.

"And he regrets that now," I countered. "He knows he made a mistake. Can you admit to doing the same, oh great Alice?"

"I might have been a bit pushy," she sighed.

"It's not me you should be saying that to, and you know it," I chuckled.

'God! Who knew that four therapy sessions could make you an expert on relationships?" she groaned. "I shudder to think about what's going to happen after you've had your second session with Doctor Moon!"

"It's called common sense, space cadet!" I quipped.

Fortunately Libby chose that moment to come down from the first floor where she had been helping her other aunt in getting Bella ready for our date. It was a good thing she did, or God knows World War III would have broken loose.

It was a fine hornets' nest I found myself in when it came to Alice and Jasper. On the one hand I knew that they both needed to close the book if they ever wanted to move ahead with their lives, and in order to close it, they needed to be face to face and talk things out. On the other hand there was always the danger of Alice taking jasper back. I knew enough of my sisters fickle character to know that everything was possible, and that was a scenario I would be less than pleased with. I might still be considering Jasper a friend, but that didn't mean I was eager to give him a second shot at ruining my little sister's life.

"Mommy told me to tell you that she'll be down in a minute," Libby announced, flopping onto the sofa next to her aunt, her eyes glued to the screen as she went on. "She looks really nice."

"Thanks, sweetheart," I replied, feeling nervous almost to the point of throwing up but also very, very excited to get underway.

"She also wants to know where you're taking her," Libby grinned.

"And she send you over here to pry that piece of information out of me like the adorable little spy you are?" I chuckled, making it seem as if I was going to pounce on her. "I will just have to tickle you into surrender so I'll know my secret is safe!"

"No daddy!" she squealed, jumping up from the couch and running away before my arms could grab her, her brown curls bouncing up and down her back as she ran. "Please don't torture me! I'll be good!" It was a little game we played every time she tried to pry some piece of information out of me, whether it was for her own benefit or others. I'd chase her around the house and 'torture' her into 'submission' by tickling her.

"I'd be mindful of letting her loose around strangers," Rose snorted, standing midway against the railing on the stairs so that Libby could pass. "They might get some strange ideas about what's going on in this place."

"Mommy!" Libby yelled as she reached the top of the stairs. "Help me!"

"What is it, honey?' I could hear Bella's voice drifting down, getting closer as she walked into the upstairs hallway.

"Daddy's coming upstairs to torture me for trying to find out where you are going tonight!" Libby squealed and I could hear her colliding with something.

"Careful," Bella warned. "Now, we can't have that, can we?" It remained silent for a while and I caught Rose's eyes, they were looking at me with a strange expression before drifting to the living room door and narrowing as she caught sight of Alice. It would take a lot to get those two to see eye to eye again. Rose wasn't one to forgive and forget and with Alice not really feeling sorry for the act of confronting Bella though she did regret her choice of words when she did, I had a feeling it was going to take some time before our family gatherings would cease to resemble the Yalta Conference. The moment the sound of Bella's voice broke through the icy air downstairs, however, I forgot all about the two women staring each other down in front of me, my attention immediately shifting back to the first floor. "How about you stay and hide up here for a bit, while I go downstairs? I'll keep daddy distracted until we leave."

"But I wanted to wave goodbye!" I could hear Libby pout.

"You can sneak into our bedroom and wave from the window?" Bella suggested sending a surge through my body.

Our bedroom.

She referred to it as _our _bedroom.

"My job here is done," I heard Rose chuckle beside me. "Have fun tonight Edward and don't do anything I wouldn't do." I felt her hand patting me on the back but I didn't pay much notice. My whole body was still orientated towards the top of the stairs, where Bella was. "Oh and Edward?"

"Yes?" It was only then that I turned to see my sister in law, smiling at me with a smile that would make the Cheshire Cat see green with envy.

"You know I'll kill you barehanded if Bella ends up crying on my doorstep again tomorrow. I know plenty of people who could help me discard the corpse. I doubt you'd be missed."

"Who's going to be missed by whom?" The most beautiful voice in the world asked.

"By Emmett of course!" Rose chuckled. "I promised him I'd be home before dinner. The poor idiot must be starving. You know he can't boil an egg without setting the kitchen on fire!"

"I'm sure he can find his way to the stash of takeout-menu's himself?" Bella snorted as she came down. To say that she loved radiant would be an understatement. She looked like something out of another world. Her beautiful slender body hugged by a black dress trimmed with some kind of lace and red buttons.

"Do you approve?" she asked with a smile as she carefully walked downstairs on her heels, her hands gripping the banister tight.

"Do I!" I chuckled. "You look…amazing, beautiful…divine."

"Easy there, mister," she chuckled, her eyes twinkling, leaning down to whisper the next part of her remark in my ear. "You're still not getting laid tonight. No matter what you say."

I almost choked on my own spit as I thought of a way to keep me busy and not thinking of Bella and sex. Or Bella talking dirty. Or anything warranting a PG rating.

"So…" I stumbled over my words as I finally spoke. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, just let me get my coat and gloves and I'll be ready."

"Ah, yes." I walked over to the closet and got both her dressy black woolen trench coat and her matching leather gloves out and helped her into them. The distraction providing me with the calm I needed to get a grip on myself.

"So….," she started making me chuckle as I knew what she was going to ask. "Where are we going? Rose said you insisted I would wore enough clothes to keep me warm so I figure it's somewhere outside…"

"You'll find out," I smiled as I steered her toward the door, trying to convince myself that I only wrapped my arm around her waist to keep her from stumbling.

This was going to be a great night.

I knew it.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"Rose, are you sure about this?" I asked for the umpteenth time that night as I looked at my reflection in the mirror.

Both Libby and Rose reacted by rolling their eyes and looking at each other for support.

"Yes, for the millionth time," Rose finally replied, tugging not so gently on my hair which she was styling in a forties kind of look, with soft curls and the front locks pinned back to keep them out of my face. "You look great."

"Not too sexy?" I was incredibly nervous for tonight. So much so, in fact that, would I have been able to eat anything today, I was sure I would have revisited it by now, from one end or the other.

This was a huge step we were taking and though I couldn't wait to take the plunge and have everything back to normal, I couldn't help but be terrified of jumping back into the saddle way too soon.

"No, Bella," Rose groaned. "If you covered any more skin you'd be looking like a schoolmarm! Now quit fussing and sit still so that I can do your hair."

"What do you mean 'schoolmarm'?" I asked, a whole new wave of panic washing over me. "I'm not looking too standoffish, am I? I don't want him to think I don't want him or anything…even if we aren't going to…" I blushed, looking at Libby who was feeding Masen his juice on the bed, his tiny arms reaching out to grab the darn thing even if his sister wouldn't let him. She wasn't quite ready to face the fact that her baby brother was getting more self-sufficient every day, even if it would be quite some time before he wouldn't be needing any help.

"Will you sit still?" she finally huffed, getting tired of his squirming though still trying to keep her frustration out of her voice so as not to scare him. "I can't feed you if you keep trying to grab the bottle!"

"You've got to let him figure that stuff out for himself if he wants to give it a go, darling," Rose chuckled, watching the two of them through the reflection in the mirror. "He's never going to learn if you don't and I can imagine it would be pretty disastrous for his love life if his big sister would still be coming round with his afternoon bottle by the time he's a sophomore in high school!" She chuckled looking at Libby who seemed to ponder that bit of information before turning her attention back on me. "And you….Ugh! If you don't have anything sensible to say, just shut up, will you? You're making _me_ nervous!"

I sighed, knowing she was right. I had been going on and on about the same thing every since Rose had showed up on my doorstep this morning to take me on a quest for the perfect look for tonight, though honestly my fussing had started before that. Around about the same moment I agreed to go on a date with my husband tonight.

We had been doing well. In fact, we had been doing very well up until now. I was still seeing my therapist twice a week and combined with the sleep and rest and the absence of the stress my job and Irina had caused, I was finally feeling like I was on the way back up. I could feel myself growing stronger again every day and my newfound strength allowed me to work on my most pressing issues: my low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. I knew it would take many months, if not years, before I would finally be where I wanted to be, but for now, progress was good.

Even the tiniest of steps was still a move in the right direction, or so Doctor Crane kept telling me.

Edward and I had also agreed to ten sessions of marriage counseling to work on our communication- and trust issues and to provide some sort of safety net now that we were actually going to start trying to be a couple again. We'd had our intake session with Doctor Moon, who happened to be married to Edwards therapist, two days ago and would be going again next week. The doctor, or Daphne as she preferred to be called, was a little odd but her practical approach suited us fine.

At least he wasn't telling us that we were making a big mistake.

"Your coat and gloves are downstairs?" Rose asked as she picked a few specks of dust from the black, lace trimmed dress we had picked for the night. Initially I thought she had gone mental when she held it out on front of me, but after some gentle (and some not so gentle) persuasion and the addition of a matching slip dress to keep everything covered that needed to be covered she did manage to convince me that the dress was neither too sexy nor too nunnish.

"Bells?"

"Huh?" I snapped back into present time, looking straight into Rose sarcastic smirk. "Oh, yes, they are in the hall closet. Did Edward really order you to make sure I was dressed up warm?"

"He did," Rose chuckled, "though before you ask, he didn't say why."

This, of course, gave me a wonderful idea.

"Libby sweetheart?" I looked at my daughters reflection in the mirror and saw that she had just finished burping her brother who was now dozing off in her arms. She was starting to look a bit uncomfortable, though. Probably because, with Masen getting stronger, bigger and heavier, it was getting pretty hard for her to keep him in her arms for long.

"Yes mommy?" Her eyes twinkled up at me. She knew what was coming.

"Did daddy tell you where he was taking me tonight?"

"Na-uh," she giggled, making her curls bounce around her face as she shook her head. "But I could go downstairs and try to find out…"

"That would be excellent," I chuckled, flashing her a conspiratory smile before watching her bolt out of the room after making sure her brother was safely tucked into my bed. If anyone would be able to charm Edward into spilling the beans on our date, it would be Libby.

"Okay," Rose states satisfactory as she put the finishing touches on my hair, sliding a few ornamental red pins which matched the red buttons on my dress, in place. "All done. Now go be a good girl and wait here while I go and see if Edward is ready for your grand entrance."

"Kay," I muttered.

"Oh and Bells?"

"Yeah?"

"Do try to make it grand," she suggested. "If you're going to start working on your confidence, coming down the stairs with a bit of grace while sexing your hot husband up is as good a start as any."

"I'll try to remember that," I smirked. "Though I wish you wouldn't have put me in eight inch heels. It would have made the confidence and sexing up part a lot easier."

"Believe me," she chuckled. "They do wonders for your legs. Make them look longer and thinner and they really bring out your posture, not to mention your ass. You mark my words…wearing heels will make the sexing up go smooth and effortless."

"I wonder if you still think that when they make me end up in hospital before I've taken as much as three steps…" I mumbled.

"Confidence, my young Padawan," Rose chuckled. "Have faith in your own equilibrium." I only caught a flash of her blond hair as she marched out of the room without waiting for me to reply.

I guess she was right. I had to put some more faith in myself. If I wanted to give this another try, I had to believe in myself but – even more important – I had to believe in Edward and his love for me. I had to start believing that we belonged.

It was my equilibrium, however, that I didn't trust.

I just hoped I could pull it off and that Edward would wait for me to be ready. Because if I had learned anything over the last couple of weeks it was that I couldn't live without him. God! I felt like such an idiot for only realizing that when I was halfway through the door and determined to leave him!

Rose hadn't been gone for longer than a moment when the giggling and squealing coming from downstairs told me Libby had been caught.

"Mommy! Help me!" She screamed thundering up the stairs.

"What is it, honey?" I called back, barely containing my own humor. Libby's happiness had always been very infectious. It had been the only thing to brighten the darkness of the days when I was still at rock bottom. She was my own personal ray of sunshine.

"Daddy's coming upstairs to torture me for trying to find out where you are going tonight!" She came bounding onto the landing, her cheeks flushed from running and her big green eyes wide with excitement as she almost crashed into me.

"Careful!" I warned. I was holding Masen in my arms and had been on my way to put him into his bed when she happened upon me. Libby blushed realizing her mistake. I quickly stabled myself, and smiled at her, not wanting her to feel like she did wrong. "Now, we can't have that, can we? How about you stay and hide up here for a bit, while I go downstairs? I'll keep daddy distracted until we leave."

"But I wanted to wave goodbye!" Libby pouted.

"You can sneak into our bedroom and wave from the window?" I suggested, hoping the sternness in my voice would make her realize that she couldn't have everything. She too had come a long way. Over the Christmas break I had feared her princess behavior was fast growing out of hand but over the last couple of weeks it seemed to have faded as soon as it had arisen. I sometimes had to remember myself that she had gone though a lot too, over the last couple of weeks. While Edward and I had been able to keep most of our problems away from the children, I knew Libby – sharp minded and perceptive Libby – had certainly picked up on a lot of it. I owed it to her now to comfort her, be there for her and provide her with a better role model than I had been of late. At least she hadn't shown any visible signs of being damaged by the events that lay behind her and for that I was profoundly grateful.

She helped me put Masen in his bed and stayed behind, listening to the music of his music charm while looking at her sleeping brother. It was hard to distract myself from the lovely vision they provided but when I heard Edward's voice coming from downstairs I felt myself being pulled towards the sound of his voice, the quiet hum I always felt in my body when he was near, swelling to a full-blown orchestra as I got nearer.

I caught something about killing someone and hiding a body as I stood at the head of the stairs, trying to muster up the courage to start my descent, and I knew Rose was up to her old tricks again. She was as protective of me as Em was. "Who's going to be missed by whom?" I asked, making a mental note to grill my sister in law about that little remark later as I made my way downstairs while trying to be mindful of everything she had said earlier in my bedroom.

I must have been doing something right, judging by the slow burning fire in Edward's eyes and the sheer passion in his touch alone as his fingers ghosted over my body while helping me into my coat.

How was I ever going to make it through the night?

I let Edward guide me out of the house and towards the Aston Martin Vanquish, his 'special occasion car' which was parked in front of it, remembering right in time what Libby and I had agreed upon.

"Can you do something for me?" I asked, looking at the tiny figure standing out against the light of the bedroom window.

"Anything," he breathed, his voice sending tingles down my spine.

"Look up and wave," I chuckled, seeing how his eyes lit up as he spotted our daughter standing in front of the window. He didn't just wave. Instead he bowed down, gentleman style before rising again and waving a kiss in her direction. I could almost see Libby's grin from up there. "God! You really are amazing at everything you do, aren't you?" I chuckled as he opened the passenger door for me and helped me into my seat.

"I don't know, Isabella my love," he purred in reply. "Am I?"

I had to blink a few times before I was all there again which – of course – made the smug asshole grin my husband was sporting deepen even further. "You mind that head of yours before it grows too big to be supported by the rest of your body!" I grumbled as he closed the door and walked around to his side. "Now, will you tell me where we are going?"

"What fun would that be?" he chuckled. "I'd rather keep you in suspense."

"You know I don't like surprises, Edward!" I huffed, keeping my focus on the road. We were heading downtown at least, the engine purring to life as we pulled out of the street and in the direction of Broadway.

"Believe me, Isabella mine, you are going to like this one."

I kept my eyes glued to the road as we sped along the streets, leaving Broadway for East 33th and finally pulling into a parking garage. "Do you know where we're going yet?" He asked, holding the door open for me and tucking my arm into his as he guided me towards the exit.

"Hmm, let's see…." I pondered. "It's too early for dinner, so I guess that's out, which means you're going to take me to see something…." I quickly took stock of everything worth noticing nearby. "The Empire State Building?"

"I figured it was a fitting thing to do for a third attempt at a first date," Edward replied with a smile. "Would you believe I've never been to the top?"

"Never?"

"Nope," he shrugged. "I've never had the time. I thought about taking Libby on one of my days off but from what she told me I figured it wouldn't be her first trip up there."

"Not quite," I chuckled. "There was a time when she would hound either me, Emmett or Jasper just about every week into taking her. She loves the view." I chuckled as we entered the stately looking art deco lobby, remembering Libby's tiny footsteps bounding through the room in her impatience to get to the top. "I know she'd love to go with you, though. No matter how many times she's seen it. She loves spending time with you."

"And I with her," he beamed. "I never knew spending my Saturday mornings running alongside a Shetland pony would be so amazing. But then again…Libby can make a trip to the dentist seem like a great adventure."

"Heheh, she sure does," I chuckled. "You should hear what she has to say about your Saturday morning riding school exploits!"

"That bad?"

"No," I smiled, moving a little closer to him as we waited in line for the elevators, "nothing but the highest praise." I felt his hand on the small of my back as we stepped into the elevator, the closeness of his body overriding all other senses as we shot up in the air, the speed of our journey making my ears pop.

His hand never left its resting place as we changed one elevator for the next to complete our journey, nor did it when we exited and walked out onto the Observatory and into the night. As often as I had been on top of this building, I had never done so after nightfall so it was quite a surprise to see the whole town bathing in light. It was magnificent.

"Wow," I gasped, walking over to the railing to take in the sight in front of me, the bright signs and lights of the city and the buzzing sounds of activity drifting up from down below vibrating though the sky. "The city really never sleeps, does it?" I looked back at Edward who was standing right behind me. "It's beautiful!"

"It is," he shrugged, his arms closing around my waist as he drew nearer, his head resting on top of mine, his warmth preventing the cutting cold from getting a grip on me, "though I have to say much of that is due to the company I'm in."

"Charmer!" I chuckled, snuggling deeper into his warmth as I heard him inhale deeply before feeling a slight pressure on top of my hair as he kissed me.

We spend the next half hour or so taking in the view from all sides. We laughed together as we tried to discern the buildings we knew in the mass of blinding light below and argued playfully over their location when we disagreed. For a few moments it was as if nothing bad ever happened. We were just Edward and Bella, enjoying a night on the town. No enemies, no work, no stress.

That was…until my stomach made itself known.

"I guess it's time to feed you now," Edward chuckled, his slender fingers wrapping around mine as he started tugging me back towards the elevators.

"But…."

"No Bella," he chuckled as I struggled against his hold. "I won't have you keeling over from malnourishment and falling off the damn building."

"And how would I do that, with all the iron fences to stop me?"I chuckled as he manhandled me into the elevator.

"I'm sure you'd find a way," he laughed along.

"True," I shrugged. He had a point. Knowing my clumsiness I would probably succeed.

As soon as we were back in the car Edward steered the sleek piece of machinery further downtown until we stopped in front of a cozy, almost homely looking restaurant that breathed an atmosphere reminiscent of the Mediterranean. The relaxed atmosphere continued inside with cozy, well worn wooden furniture and shelves and bookcases laden with brightly colored pots and pans giving the diners some privacy.

"How do you like it?" Edward whispered as we were seated. "I wanted to pick something comfortable."

"I like it a lot!" I admitted, looking around. He was right, the place was comfortable. I could feel at ease here, which was no doubt what he had been after. "You know me very well."

"I'm relieved to hear that," he chuckled. "I was beginning to doubt if I'd ever known you at all."

Dinner was lovely, though I couldn't help but mull over Edward's words. Had I become such a stranger to him over the last couple of weeks? I was still the same person, yet, I could imagine the outlook of me must have been very bleak a few weeks ago. I knew he loved me still. It was in every word, look or touch we had shared this night and before. But I also knew I had hurt him deeply. That too was visible, even if Alice hadn't alerted me to it. Still, he hadn't spoken a word about it, nor had we discussed what had happened on that terrible night, or the event leading up to it. As magical as this night had been, I couldn't help wondering if we weren't rushing into things too soon. It could only spell disaster if we did, and I wasn't so sure if our relationship could handle another disaster.

"Bella, are you alright?"

"What?" His anxiety pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Are you alright, love?" he took my hand over the table, his worried eyes gazing into mine. "You look a bit…distracted."

"I'm scared," I blurted out before my filter could catch up with me.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his eyes looking at me with a mixture of confusion and frustration.

"It's hard to explain," I replied with a deep sigh, keeping my anxiety at bay by playing with my food. "I don't know if I trust myself around you just yet…." Summoning my newly reclaimed courage I looked up into his confused green eyes. "In the end….when things got really bad….I hurt you. I thought only of myself and how _I_ had to get away from all the pain and the fear that I felt. I was so selfish. "I shook my head at my own despicable behavior, holding my hand up to stop his reply before it could be vocalized. "I know you're not ready to be angry at me for it yet, but don't deny it. I was so completely self-absorbed and wrapped up in my own silly little fantasies that I completely ignored how much pain and fear I was causing _you_ to feel. In fact…it wasn't until Alice showed up and slapped some sense into me that I fully understood what I had done to you….and I never want to do that again."

He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but closed it again and fidgeted with his food for a moment before reaching over the table and grabbing my hand. When I looked up at him his honest green eyes blazed into mine, his emotions naked inside them. "I'm not going to lie to you," he started, his voice low and a bit unsteady. "It did hurt…In fact, it hurt more than anything in my life." He paused and took a deep breath before he continued. "That afternoon, after I got back from Emmett's to an empty house…It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and slammed into my face. I tried to understand what it had been that made you feel like you couldn't stay in the same house with me anymore. I tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together and see through your eyes…but I couldn't. There were so many pieces missing."

I tried to reign in my emotions as best as I could. This wasn't about me and how his words stung through me like a double edged sword, this was about Edward and what needed to be done to undo the damage that had been caused to his heart. "I'm so sorry…" I started before he cut me off.

"No, Bella, please hear me out," he said, his eyes holding a silent apology. "God knows I'm as bad as you when it comes to being honest and I need to get this out now when we're still in the spirit of honesty."

"Okay," I nodded, sitting back and preparing myself for what it was that he had to say. "I'm listening."

"I don't think you realize just how much I need you, Bella," he said, his eyes trained to our linked hands as he threaded his fingers through mine. "You are my light, my sun, my life… my only saving grace. You gave me the only things in my life that are worth a damn to me and thinking I had lost that….it's worse than death. I know I need to learn to find redemption and happiness in myself but I don't think that would ever change your importance in my life." He gave my hand a little squeeze, making me look up into his face, which was glowing with love…for me. "I gave you my heart, that very first day we met and you have it still, to do with it as you please. Just don't ever force me to take it back."

"I won't," I stammered, choking up in spite of my resolve to stay strong. His love for me and his trust, even after all of the horrible things I had done to his beautiful heart and soul over the last couple of months both broke my heart but also made it swell to twice its size. "I just….I wish I took better care of it in the first place."

"I know that wasn't you, Bella," he said and I could feel the hum in my skin as he scooted his chair next to mine. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating towards me through his clothes as his fingers cautiously wiped away the tears that ran over my face. "Those last couple of weeks…it was like I was living with some kind of zombie. It broke my heart to see how every day another piece of my Bella – the woman I love my than anything – got lost in the abyss. But instead of doing what I should have been doing; forcing you to open up to me and taking care of you, I ran away in my work, thereby feeding your uncertainties. I should never have allowed you to believe that my job meant more to me than you or the children."

"And I should have had more faith in you…and myself than to believe it did," I added. I knew he was still holding back. He would never tell me how bad it had truly been for him but for now, this was a start. We were growing into this, learning together, sharing together. The knowledge that we had taken yet another big step on the road to recovery made the fear, which had lodged itself firmly inside my chest, ease up a little more.

Edward must have realized that too because he leaned back a little, his eyes shining with humor as he caught my gaze. "Look at us," he grinned, "sharing and bawling and everything. Our therapists will be so proud of us!"

"I think they would be!" I snickered. "Though I'm sure Doctor Crane will find something for me to work on. I have a long list of flaws after all…."

"As do I," he replied with a dramatic sigh, remaining quiet for a while before he spoke again. "Bella?"

"Yes?" I looked back at his, his eyes glowing with a love that made my body tingle all over.

"I'm feeling an almost unstoppable urge to kiss you right now," he stated calmly. "Would you mind it if I did?"

I didn't need to think or even breathe before I replied. Instead I did what I should have done all along: follow my heart. "Not at all." Even in spite of my resolve I couldn't keep the nervous tremble out of my voice as I continued. "In fact…I feel exactly the same way."

"Good," he nodded, his eyes flickering to mine for the briefest of moments before settling on my lips, the intensity of them making me draw my bottom lip in between my teeth.

He sucked in a breath, his lips hovering torturously close to mine as he muttered something sounding like my name and something else but I couldn't get myself to care about what my ears had missed because that very same moment my mind, body and soul were taken over by the sensation of his lips brushing against mine, softly but determined none the less.

I could feel the low growl vibrating through his chest a his lips pressed against mine again, parting slightly as they made contacts. My whole body relaxed with pleasure as our lips moved together – taking, receiving, sharing – until the grow reached the surface and he broke the kiss, the buzz of the voices around us returning again and reminding me that we were still in a very busy restaurant.

"Not here, not like this," he breathed, retreating further and settling back into his chair, looking about as frustrated as I felt. "Not now. Too soon." I didn't know if he was speaking to me or to himself but – much to my own dismay – I knew he was right.

Too soon.

We would not make the mistake of running before we had even mastered the art of walking again. We had covered a lot of ground tonight but that didn't mean we were there yet.

Small steps, small kisses. Or so it seemed.

We left for home shortly after that, the rumble of the engine almost lulling me to sleep as we were subjected to the slow dance of inner city traffic. The tension grew the closer we got to our house, surpassing almost unbearable levels when we reached the front door.

I knew I should say something or, at the very least, keep my husband from pulling his hair out of his scalp, but for the life of me, I couldn't find the words. Everything that popped up in my head seemed so…trivial.

I felt more than heard his presence behind me as I moved through the dark and quiet house, up to the first floor where I knew we would have to say goodbye. On the one hand I couldn't wait to get away from this tension, yet, I didn't want the night to end either. It had been like in the beginning, when we were so in love. Edward had been so amazing tonight and beside him I felt so beautiful and loved. He had me under his spell from the moment he set eyes on me earlier this evening and I knew that the moment we would say goodbye, the spell would break. Or at least for now.

"Well…" he started, running his hand through his hair as we reached the door to my bedroom.

"Yeah…." I sighted nervously form one leg to the other, not wanting this night to be over yet but knowing that, realistically, it should be.

"This is strange," he muttered.

"Tell me about it!" I chuckled, relieved that at least he felt the same way I did.

"I guess this is goodnight." He took my hand, his fingers rubbing over the spot where my wedding ring used to be. It felt empty now. Empty and naked.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, wondering what he was thinking.

"About what?" I knew he was only feigning ignorance. I saw it in everything. His stiffening posture, the way he kept his eyes trained to my hand, the twitch of his mouth…God! What had I done to him?

"About taking off my ring," I whispered, tears spilling over when I saw his body's reaction to my words. It was as if he was recovering from a blow. "I should never have done that. I can only begin to imagine what you must have felt when you found it."

"I didn't find it," Edward whispered after a lengthy and laden silence. "Alice did." He sighed, his body relaxing slightly as he continued. "She took it and kept it hidden until the day you moved back in. She didn't think I could handle it…She was right."

"I'm glad you had Alice to take care of you," I replied, my voice shaky and barely registering above a whisper. As happy as I was that Edward was finally being honest and open about how he felt, the words left raw cuts in my heart. Looking back on what I had done I felt amazed and almost shocked at the fact that Edward still wanted me. I had hurt him so deeply that it wouldn't have surprised me if he had given up and moved on…to someone more deserving of his love. But…I couldn't dwell on that. It was me he had picked. It was me he loved. All I could do now was try and undo the hurt I had made him feel.

I had to try to be a better person for him.

"What is going on in that head of yours?" he sighed, pulling me into his arms.

I sighed, breathing in his musky, manly scent and allowing it to calm me. "I'm so glad you're telling me this," I finally muttered into his chest.

"Could have fooled me," he whispered.

"No," I leaned back, catching his gaze. "I really am. It hurts to know how much pain I've caused you…but I want to know. I have to know…If I ever want to make this better."

"And you still do?" A flash of anxiety coursed through his eyes, barely visible in the dark.

"More than anything." I put all the certainty I had in my voice, wanting to reassure him.

"Good," he nodded. "I would hate it if you felt pressured into doing this.." He waved his hand between us.

"I don't," I replied quickly. "I'm still scared of what is going to happen, but that doesn't mean I don't want this. Because I do." I squeezed the hand that was still holding mine. "I want this."

"Oh Bella," he sighed and before I knew it I felt his lips brushing against mine again, spreading a fire of warmth all though my body as we took off from where we left things earlier tonight.

He pulled me closer, his tongue stroking my lips, seeking entrance. The feeling was overpowering, from the strength of his hands on my body to the low growl that ripped though his body when our tongues met. A low moan rose up from my throat, my hands weaving though his hair, holding him to me as we got lost in the passion of our feelings until, as always, common sense caught up with us.

It was Edward who broke the kiss, his eyes squeezed shut as he rested his forehead against mine, panting for breath. "That might not have been a smart thing do to," he groaned, "but God did I want that!" He didn't wait for me to confirm or deny his statements but took a step back, fidgeting with the sleeves of his dress shirt. "I'll better say goodnight before we do something utterly stupid…"

"Yes," I breathed, thought there was little conviction in my voice.

He was wiser than me, though. Always had been.

"Good night, my Bella, my love," he whispered, brushing his lips against mine one final time before he stepped back.

"Good night Edward," I smiled, fighting the urge to jump into his arms and beg him to take me to his bed. Our bed.

Not yet.

Like earlier tonight my whole body was on fire for him, but we couldn't give in. Not yet.

But soon.

* * *

_**So now we know what happened to the ring ;-)**_


	31. Love you more

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Love you more**

_**March 2010**_

"Excellent work, Doctor Cullen!" Doctor Shepherd praised. "You handled that situation very well."

"I should have known you were watching!" I chuckled, trying to rub the tiredness out of my eyes. I had been on the clock for more than twenty four hours, which was a normal working day for me, where it not that those twenty four hours had been incredibly busy. There had been a multi-vehicle pileup on the I-95 and with us being the hospital closest to the crash site, it meant that most of the wounded had ended up with us.

In had been in and out of an OR almost nonstop since they had brought up the first victim from the ER, some of them even needing a second operation, like the guy I had just finished with.

"If I'm going to have to decide which one of you will be awarded the fellowship, I'm going to have to know what you guys are capable off," he shrugged. "Plus, with all the paperwork and organizational crap I have to wade through every day, I'm lucky if I can sneak into the gallery for a few minutes every now and then."

"Don't you miss it?" I knew I would. I was studying to become a doctor, to perform medicine, not to sit behind a desk all day.

"Terribly," he admitted with a sigh. "But someone's got to do my job. I'm sure that once everyone has had their turn playing with the 'new toy' things will calm down. In fact, I'm very hopeful of seeing the inside of an OR within a couple of weeks."

"Good luck!" I chuckled. I didn't think it would be wise to tell him how much some of the interns were very eager to play with the new toy. In fact…I had overheard Grey and Yang talking earlier today about taking 'Doctor McDreamy' for a test drive in one of the broom closets.

"Thanks! I'm going to need it!" he grinned, making me realize once more how much had changed at this hospital ever since House and Irina had vacated the premises. It was actually fun to go to work now.

We'd all had to get used to walking freely along the corridors without having to be scared of running into House or – in my case – the evil bloodsucking piranha, but as more days passed, everyone was slowly starting to relax more.

It seemed like everything at the hospital had changed for the better over the last couple of weeks.

Doctor Shepherd had a very relaxed way of running the surgical ward but that didn't mean his standards were equally laidback. He expected the best from us, but – unlike House – he didn't try to bully that out of us. Instead he tried to make us stay at the top of our game by actually taking an interest in what we did. It had taken him a couple of days, but I think that at the moment he knew each member of staff by name and could tell you exactly what he or she was doing and how what they were doing could be improved. Unfortunately the change in staff meant that Garrett and I would have to wait another couple of weeks or so until the decision about the fellowship would be made since Doctor Shepherd would need some time to assess our skills before he could reach a decision. As a heart surgeon and the head of the surgical department he had the casting vote after all.

I made a quick stop at the faucet fountain in the corridor to splash some cold water into my face in the hope it would keep my eyes open long enough to finish my shift and get home safely. I had worked too many hours this week. I couldn't even remember what part of the day it was. Hospital corridors and operating rooms with their artificial light and their ability to keep you busy for long hours did that to you.

With the hospital being two surgical residents short Garrett and I had had to step up our game, filling in the gaps that Kate and Irina's dismissals had left. While Doctor Shepherd was all about taking care of his staff, preferring to stick to twelve hour shifts and an eighty hour workweek, he also had to make sure that there were enough qualified staff on hand to deal with any sort of situation that might occur, which meant that sometimes we had to work longer hours. I didn't mind it that much, though, since I still worked far less than I used to under the reign of Caius House.

Hell, I was even going back to having a social life outside of the hospital!

I had to admit though, that the more I found myself getting wrapped up in my job again, the harder it got to keep the promise I had made to Bella and myself. If it were up to me I'd spend the night at the hospital instead of in that cold, desolate bedroom on the second floor, so close to the place I wanted to be but still so far away. It was often the hardest part of my day, having to retreat to the second floor after spending my evenings downstairs with Bella and the kids. I had to keep reminding myself, though, that burying myself in my work would never solve anything. If I wanted to successfully battle my own demons and help the woman I loved face hers, I had to get my priorities straight and if that meant sleeping alone in the guest bedroom then so be it. Coming home to a smiling Bella and a house filled with laughter and happiness was more than worth it.

Since our first date, two weeks ago, Bella and I had kept on making progress. A second date had followed about a week after the first one and a third was set for tomorrow night. During those dates we made use of uninterrupted time together to talk. About what had happened to drive us apart, about our childhoods, the past, the future, our lives as they were happening at that moment…..the heaviness of the difficult subject always made bearable by the light.

The hardest part of the evening, though, wasn't being open and honest and not taking blame for things I had had no hand in. It was keeping myself in check when I was kissing Bella goodnight.

I had learned early on in our relationship that control wasn't Bella's strong suit and, even though she knew as well as I did that it was still too soon for anything physical to happen beyond kissing and maybe some mild petting, her body clearly wasn't cooperating. Removing myself from her arms, my dick straining against the fabric of my pants and my whole body poised to take her, went against the grain. But it had to be done.

I had to listen to my head, not to my cock. Or so our couples therapist claimed.

Our meetings with Doctor Moon so far had been devoted to learning how to communicate and built our trust but also to the difficulty of balancing careers and small children with a healthy married life. I was startled to learn how blindly Bella and I had jumped into things, thinking that we could make everything work just because we loved each other and wanted things to work. We had been so naïve.

Doctor Moon was very clear on what she expected of us and what we should expect from each other. She didn't take crap from her patients and evading a question or sugarcoating an answer would be met with a disappointed glare. She was a very practical person who – in her own blunt way and heavily coated with a Scottish accent – wasn't afraid to say thing like they were, even if her tactics were unorthodox and about as different from those her husband and brother in law used. The no-nonsense approach suites us just fine, though, especially when she used it to show us how important it was to be honest about how we were feeling but also to set boundaries and defend them.

Exhibit one had been my working hours.

When Doctor Moon had showed me the divorce rate amongst workers in the medical field I had almost called in to quit my job. It had taken a lot of persuasion from Bella and another fierce glare from Doctor Moon (apparently I was lodged in another self-blame episode) to get me to drop the phone and stay employed. In the end we struck a deal; I would do my best to be home as often as I could and not get lost in the job, while Bella would call me out on my behavior if she thought I was slipping back into my old pattern again.

The same thing would be expected of me if I thought Bella was putting herself down again or letting the ideas that her mother had planted in her head get to the forefront again, exhibit two of what Doctor Moon called 'our need to stumble through our bloody minefield of stubbornness and self-doubt together.'"

The more Bella and I talked about what had caused the rift between us, the more it became apparent to me just how much damage Renee had caused. I had always had an aversion to the woman but right now…I could kill her with my own bare hands if I got the chance. The nerve of her, trying to dictate her daughter's life to make up for the failure of her own, the way she always made Bella feel inadequate, the complete blindness to the damage she had caused and was still causing. I never wanted that woman near my family again. She was like the female incarnation of House, sucking the happy out of every situation she encountered. I could only hope she would go the same way as the bastard.

I suppressed a smile when I thought about how, in the end, Karma was a bitch, even for people as high and mighty as House had pictured himself to be.

Over the past couple of weeks my former boss had found that , especially in the current economic conditions, finding a new position wasn't as easy as it seemed. Over the years he had never bothered building up a social network in the field of medicine, apart from connections that he could stand to benefit from but even they, or so it seemed, had abandoned him now. I guess no hospital wanted to be tainted by association to a doctor who not only had a reputation for being a pompous, arrogant bastard but also – thanks to Kate – of pushing his students to the point of insanity.

It served him right. I for one, hoped he would never work as a physician again.

After satisfying myself that my patient was well taken care of in _recovery_ I made my way over to the lounge, hoping someone had left some leftovers in the fridge because I was starving. Twenty four hours of non-stop surgery did that to you.

"Cullen? What are you still doing here?" Garrett asked, looking up from a medical journal as I entered the staff lounge. "Aren't you supposed to be taking young Elizabeth to her riding class?"

"Shit!" I gasped, noticing the time. Bella was going to kill me. Or…at least, if she was taking her therapists advice to heart.

I really hoped she would, even if I wasn't exactly looking forward to the killing part.

The phone rang almost as soon as I pulled out of the garage.

Bella.

"I have a very eager little girl, sitting by the window in full riding gear, wondering when her father is going to arrive," a very stern voice told me as soon as I had pushed the green button, "Please tell me I don't have to disappoint her."

"I'll be there in five minutes," I rushed to tell her. "Tell her to be ready and wait for me on the sidewalk." If I broke every speed limit then we should be able to get to the riding school on time.

"Edward Anthony Cullen! I am not depositing our child on the sidewalk like a common street prostitute just because you got so wrapped up in your work that you forgot about her!" she snarled, her voice hushed to prevent Libby from picking up a whole new vocabulary.

As horrible as her words made me feel, I couldn't stop feeling hope when I heard the fierceness in her voice.

She was fighting. I had crossed a boundary and damn, was she letting me feel it!

I knew that only a few weeks ago Bella would have chosen the easy way out and shrugged it off, choosing to let her anger fester inside of her. The fact that she was taking it out on the person who deserved it – me – was a victory in itself. "Look," she sighed after a moment and I could almost see her pinching the bridge of her nose through the telephone, a trait she had taken over from me. "Should I take her or do you think you can be here on time?"

"I'm taking her," I said quickly, perhaps with more fire than appropriate but damn it, this was our thing, the only time I got to spend time with Libby alone. I would be damned if I disappointed her, or – better said – disappointed her even more than I had already done by allowing myself to get so caught up in work I forgot all about our morning appointment. Idiot! How could I have forgotten the time? I extracted myself from my round of mental self-flagellation only when I turned into our street, plastering a smile on my face for Libby's sake as I got back to Bella. "I'm pulling up as we speak."

"I'll tell her," she answered, making me breathe a sigh of relief as I caught the undertone of humor in her voice. "Oh and Edward?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Alice is here."

She had broken the connection before I had time to ask if Alice was there to kill her or if they were bonding – or re-bonding – over tea and cookies. Given Alice's attitude of late I was hoping for the latter.

Libby bolted from the door before I had even parked the car, her impatience showing in the glare she fired at me as I opened the door for her. "You're late," she huffed.

"I'm sorry, princess," I sighed. "I was busy with a patient and I forgot the time. It won't happen again. I promise."

"Mommy said you'd better not forget again, if you knew what was good for you," Libby snickered. "I think she's a bit mad at you."

"I deserve it," I chuckled, waving at my wife as she stood in front of the window. At least she was still alive and – by the look of it – unharmed. Her conversation with Alice must be going well. "How about we drop by the florist on the way back and pick out a nice bouquet of flowers for her?"

"I think she'd like that," Libby nodded. "But hurry up please, daddy, before we are late!"

"Aye, aye, captain," I chuckled, a glance at the clock on the dashboard telling me that we were now almost back on schedule. If traffic would cooperate we were only going to be a minute or so later than usual.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"You smell funny," Libby complained, her little nose scrunched up from the hospital stink which still hung around me.

"And you're going to smell even more funny by the time your riding lesson ends." I snorted, trying not to think of the damage horse manure and God knows what other goop she'd step in would do to the upholstery of my precious Volvo.

"Horses don't smell bad!" she huffed, nearly poking her own eye out with the whip she was still holding in one of her hands as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "They smell all sweet and cuddly. Well…maybe not of they've just done number one, but most of the time they smell pretty nice. Hospitals don't smell nice."

"You're right about that, honey," I nodded with a sigh.

"If you think that, then why do you work there?" She frowned, trying to make sense of it all. "I wouldn't want to work in a place that smelled nasty."

"I try not to think of it as nasty," I replied, choosing my words carefully because…well, she had a point.

"What do you mean?" Her frown deepened, her eyes getting almost invisible.

"The smells are all chemical," I started. "You know…medicines, cleaning stuff..everything that's used in making people better. I try to think of that, not of the nastiness but of the way those iffy smells work towards making people better."

"Hmm," she pondered, obviously needing to think about that one. "I guess you're right."

"But I'll try to come home earlier next time anyway,' I chuckled., "so that I can take a shower before we go to the nasty smelling horses."

"They. Don't. Smell. Nasty!" she hissed but, fortunately for me, we arrived at the home of the nasty smelling horses before she could get violent.

Libby bolted from the car before it had even stopped probably and almost flew towards the stables like a rocket to attack one of the teaching staff. It had been the same thing every week for as long as she had started taking lessons. There was no use in trying to reign her in, since I had given her the speech about staying in the car until I had properly parked it over a hundred times before but either she was suffering from selective hearing or she just didn't give a damn. She was like her mother in that way.

Stubborn as an ass.

"Need any help? I chuckled as I spotted Libby, almost buried underneath a huge leather saddle coming from the tack room.

"Need to do this alone," she gasped, her whole body straining to keep its balance.

"Are you sure?" I asked, barely containing my amusement as I watched her huff and puff on her way to the stable of the horse she would be riding today.

"Yes, daddy, I'm sure," she hissed, hoisting the saddle on the pole sticking out from the outside of the box stall. "You can help me saddle, though. Siobhan said she was coming to help me in a moment but that she had to help Phoebe and Caitlin first."

The first couple of lessons had been devoted to learning all the basics, not just of horse riding but also of grooming and saddling a horse. Now that all of the girls had a basic understanding of what went where, they were allowed to saddle their horses themselves under the supervision of either an instructor or a parent who knew what the hell he or she was doing. It also helped that the ponies they were assigned to were some of the calmest animals I'd ever seen in my life, the one Libby was riding today being no exception. It stood in an almost comatose state while Libby flittered around it, looking like she'd never done anything else in her life.

"If you tell me what goes where.." I chuckled. I had seen Libby and one of the teachers saddle a horse a few times but I hadn't really paid attention to the logistics of it. It was a pleasure for me just to see Libby enjoying herself, the excitement almost making her glow.

And she was really liking this. Though the assistance from her dad…not so much.

"Daddy, you've done it all wrong!" she growled in a very disapproving tone. "You're supposed to leave enough space to fit a fist through." She rolled her eyes at me, grumbling something under her breath as she diverted attention from the saddle she'd been wrestling with to the bridle, holding it up to me to point out my errors. "See? You've done it waaaaaay to tight. Poor Persephone could get hurt!" She cooed at the pony as if to reassure it that it would be taken care of better as I cowered into a corner, not afraid of the horse but of my angry eight year old.

"You didn't tell me to do it like that!" I complained as she went on and on about my stupidity.

"Yes I did!" she barked at me, the horse whinnying in agreeance. "Five minutes ago!"

"Sorry sweetheart," I sighed. "Daddy's a bit tired."

"Oh, okay," she nodded. "Well I'm almost done now so you can go up to the stands and watch. I think I saw Phoebe's mom there a minute ago.

I groaned, remembering how Phoebe's mom had almost forced herself on me last time she was here. She was a typical bored Upper Eastside mom with far more money than was good for her, and an attitude to match. She thought that if she'd just smile at me and wave her fifty dollar manicure I would swoon at her feet.

Fat chance!

If the artificial hag thought she could ever compete with my Bella – sweet, natural Bella – she was sorely mistaken. Nothing could compete to my angel.

"Oh, hello, doctor Cullen," she lisped, her lips looking as if she had been stung by a bee on both of them. "Are you here to look at your little girl?" It was almost as if she'd laid in ambush, waiting for the moment I'd step out onto the stands.

"Yes," I answered, barely managing to keep my tone polite. It wasn't as if the woman didn't know I was here for Libby. I had been every week, and she had asked me that same question just as often.

"How nice of you to make time in your no doubt busy schedule," she praised.

I cut her off before she could say any more. "I always make time for my daughter, now excuse me, I have an important phone call to make to my wife."

I had to suppress my amusement as she tried to mold her fake lips into a pout. The result looked more like two huge sails plastered against her face. "She's a very lucky woman."

Dear lord! Was the woman ever going to shut up?

I quickly fished my phone out of my pocket and speed dialed our home number. "I'm the lucky one," I chuckled as I listened to the monotone sound the phone emitted.

"Bella Cullen?"

"I never get tired of hearing you say that," I smiled. Bella Cullen. My name attached to hers.

"Edward!" I could almost see her smile through the phone. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing," I replied, a satisfied sigh escaping me. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Is that woman bothering you again?" I smiled at the venom in my wife's voice. No insecurities there. Not this time. "Put her on the phone."

"Back down, lioness!" I chuckled. "I'm perfectly capable of fighting my own battles!" I shot a glance at Phoebe's mom, who was standing at the railing, straining her ears while trying to make it look as if she only had interest in her daughter's dismal performance in the paddock below. "Is Alice still there?"

"Nope," Bella answered. "She left a little after you did. She said she had some stuff to do for work. But you'll see her tonight at Em's party."

"Right," I groaned, seeing my quiet evening at home with my family slip away from me. "Emmett's birthday. But wait a minute…." It suddenly dawned on me who, as a good friend of Emmett's would also be there. "Does Jasper know she's coming?"

Silence. "He might…" I could tell by the tone in her voice alone that Bella was lying. She had never mastered the art of deception, no matter what she herself thought. Even listening to her voice alone would give her away.

"Bella…." I sighed.

"What? I'm merely giving them a slight nudge in the right direction."

"Have you been reading Jane Austen again?" I chuckled, shaking my head at my wife's matchmaking antics. "Emma Woodhouse is a fictional character, love, not a real life character to be used as a role model."

"I know that!" she huffed. "I'm merely returning the favor. She pushed me back on track and now it's time for me to do the same."

I sighed, still not understanding how Bella could be thankful for Alice's outburst of verbal abuse. The fact that my sister had slapped the woman I loved across the face was something I found very hard to come to terms with, no matter how much it had helped Bella to see reason. "Just don't be disappointed when it all blows up in your face."

"It won't," Bella said determinedly.

"What? Are you a psychic now too?" I groaned. "I thought having one fruitcake clairvoyant in the family was more than enough!"

"Look daddy! Look!" Libby's squeal interrupted our conversation and I looked up to see my girl trotting around on horseback, he cheeks a vibrant read and a huge grin plastered in her face. "I'm posting trot!"

"Was that Libby?" Bella giggled through the phone.

"Apparently our daughter has learned a new trick," I chuckled, watching as Libby moved up and down in tandem with the movements her pony made.

"She is being careful, is she?" Bella asked, her humor having turned into anxiety. "I don't want her to get hurt. You hear these awful stories sometimes…"

"Don't worry love," I reassured her, even if deep down I sometimes felt the same. "The people over here know what they are dealing with. They won't let her take any risks she isn't prepared for." Watching Libby's riding lessons always stirred a mixture of awe and blind panic inside me. Awe because of Libby's sheer fearlessness as she rode around, not thinking of the million things that might cause her to fall off, and panic because that very thing was always right around the corner.

And they had just gotten started.

Over the last few weeks I had caught glimpses of other groups during their riding classes and what I'd seen didn't exactly put my mind at ease. Girls little older than Libby bending themselves in all kinds of shapes in order to catch a handkerchief their instructor dangled from a longe whip or jumping over fences that where almost the same height as they. I'm sure it was all great fun, but I also knew that I might have to step outside if Libby ever got that far.

"Okay," Bella sighed. "I'll just have to trust you on that one. You sound tired though….Are you good to drive back or should I come to pick you up?"

"I'm fine," I replied with a sigh, watching Libby trot in circles around the instructor with a huge smile on her face. Bella scraped her throat in dissatisfaction, making me realize that somehow I must have failed to convince her. "Of course I'm tired," I added with a sigh, " but I'll be okay. I've performed surgeries with less sleep."

"And how is that supposed to make me feel better?" she chuckled, though I could hear the weariness still seeping through. "Just be careful. I don't want to two of you ending up hurt."

"As if I could fall asleep behind the wheel with Libby in the car," I snorted. "I'll be careful though."

"And I'm not letting you off the hook for working close to ninety hours this week, for the second week in a row I might add," she warned. "I hate to bitch you out on this, but you promised…."

"I know," I interrupted her, "and I'm sorry. You're free to punish me in whatever way you want later, when I get back home."

"I'll think about that," she chuckled in a playful tone. I was unable to completely suppress the associations my warped, oversexed brain came up with when I thought about my wife punishing me, but with the Upper West Side Cougar standing next to me and my daughter only a few feet away, a hard on was the last thing I needed right now. "Are you okay?" The tone of her voice told me she knew exactly what I was thinking off that moment and the predicament that got me in.

"Fine," I growled. "But I gotta go, sweetheart. They are just getting ready to dismount."

"Kay," she giggled. "Love you. See you soon." As I listened to the beeping that followed the connection being broke, a huge grin broke out on my face.

My wife had just told me she loved me.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"Is he coming yet, mommy?" Libby asked, her riding helmet dangling from her arms as she stood in front of the window.

"I don't know, sweetheart," I replied with a frustrated sigh as I picked up the phone again. "I'll try calling him again." I was mad, even if the voice in the back of my head told me I shouldn't be, that this was the situation I had married into. A doctor sometimes had to renege on his commitments if that meant keeping a patient alive.

Still, it was hard to explain to our daughter, who had been looking forward to their Saturday morning horse riding lesson like she did every week: with eager anticipation. It was their thing, even if Edward wasn't exactly fond of horses. They did this together. Or, at least, they should.

Libby bolted towards the door at the sound of the bell, expecting her dad to finally arrive, though the high pitched squeal that followed the juggling of the locks made me think otherwise. "Alice?" she stood on the threshold, bouncing on the balls of her feet like a kangaroo with a face looking like she had just drank a gallon of Red Bull as Libby went back to her lookout spot, disappointed at seeing the wrong Cullen appear.

"Can I come in?" She looked antsy.

"It depends,' I chuckled. "If you plan to go for round two, I'd rather not."

"I promise to behave," Alice grinned, looking a bit more at ease. "That is…..if you do."

"And what, Mary Alice Cullen, do you mean by that?"

"I guess I could play nice, if you promise not to turn my brother into a zombie again," she mused, sitting down in the seat closest to the door, as if she still wasn't completely satisfied that I wouldn't produce a baseball bat from behind my back and start clubbing her to death if Libby wasn't looking.

"Am I going to be late, mommy?" Libby asked, a worried frown etched deep into her features as she looked at the clock.

I had to suppress a grow as I followed her gaze. She was, almost. "No you're not, sweetie," I reassured her. "I'm going to try daddy's phone one last time and if he's still not picking up I'll take you myself."

"Edward working late?" Alice asked.

My glare at the phone as I dialed the number gave her the confirmation she needed and she muttered something under her breath that sounded like 'stupid idiot'. I couldn't agree more right now.

Fortunately Edward picked up this time, telling me he was on his way and could be here any second. He sounded so tired though, making me feel even worse for mentally berating him. He'd had a tough week. Yet again.

He had promised me he would do his best to stick to the eighty hour workweek when I had moved back in but with everything going on at the hospital right now, this had been the second week that came much closer – if not exceeded – ninety.

This had to stop. I remembered Esme's words from one of our conversations before she went back home, imploring me not to let the job get in between Edward and me again. He needed to be mindful of his family, but it was also my task to remind him of that when he was in danger of 'falling off the wagon'. I had to speak up, even if it was an unnatural thing for me to do.

True to his words he pulled up in front of the house right in the nick of time, though I had to take Libby's words, and the frantic opening and closing of doors as she tore out of the house for it I didn't even get to see a glimpse of him before he drove off again, in a rush to get our girl to her horse riding class.

"Wow," Alice chukled. "He really had a narrow escape there."

"He did," I replied with a sigh. "But he's not getting away with it that easily."

"Good for you," Alice nodded. "It's about time my stubborn ass workaholic of a brother gets told off by someone he actually listens to. With Esme not here and him playing deaf to whatever the fuck I'm saying I'm depending on you to keep him in check."

"I'll do my best," I vowed, getting up to make some tea.

Alice was nervous again when I got back with a full tray of tea things, her mouth opening and closing at regular intervals as she tried to say something. "Alice, please, talk to me," I begged her. Her antsiness was making _me_ incredibly nervous with her.

"I'm sorry for blowing up at you like that the other day," she started, wringing her hands in her lap. "I had no right…"

"You had every right," I answered softly. "I know enough of his pain now to have a pretty clear picture of what it was that you had to witness…Your anger was more than justified. And even if you should have been more mindful of Libby, who was barely out of hearing distance, I'm glad you had to guts to be so brutally honest. It made me look at myself like I should have all along. "

"Still," Alice mused. "As my mom would say: I should have acted with a bit more grace and sophiostication."

"Do you miss her?"

"Terribly," Alice admitted with a deep sigh. "Almost enough to make me shut up shop and move to Chicago. You?"

"Likewise," I said with a smile. "Having her around makes me realize how much I have really missed having a 'real' mother all my life. You're very lucky to have her."

"I know." Another deep sigh. "It's a blessing and a curse though…."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not easy to grow up as the only daughter of Chicago royalty. Especially not when you're not exactly book smart."

"I'm sure it never mattered to either of your parents," I replied. "I know Esme just wants you to be happy…"

"Oh, I know that," she confirmed quickly. "I didn't mean to criticize my mom or my dad. They would support me even if I decided to join the circus and do nothing but train monkeys for the rest of my life. But still….It's kinda hard not to feel judged when you're standing in a room with the who's who of Chicago's cultural and intellectual elite – aka my parent's friends – and all you have to your name is a bachelor in fashion design and merchandising."

I nodded. The double edged sword that had been her childhood in Chicago was something we had discussed before. As much as Alice had loved her parents, she had always felt awkward in the social circles they moved in.

"I knew I couldn't hold my own in conversations about Proust or Gogol or any other of those stuffy old men who wrote stuffy, boring books, so I just focused on being cute and well-dressed so that at least I could earn some praise for that."

"Have you ever spoken to Esme about that?"

"I've tried," Alice stated hesitantly. "But you know as well as I do how hard it is to hurt her feelings and I'm afraid they will be very hurt when she hears things from my perspective."

"I think you may be wrong there, Ally," I said. "Esme knows..at least, to some extent. She's very good at reading people."

"You're probably right," she replied with a sigh. "Still, it's hard talking to her about this. I do talk to my dad though."

"To Carlisle?" It surprised me. Over the years I had never gotten a really good read on my father in law, though with him being so busy with his work, that wasn't so surprising. I knew from what Edward had told me, that he had been talking to him every once in a while, mostly about his parents and about the past, but even Edward sometimes found it difficult to connect with his dad.

"I know," Alice chuckled. "It seems strange..but he's actually a very good listener. He may not say that much, but when he does give you a piece of advice, it's always golden."

"Do you talk to him about Jasper?" I asked, just wanting to get it out in the open since the subject had been looming over us from the very start of the conversation.

"Sometimes,' she nodded. "But not that much. Unlike Edward, I'm not that good at the whole self-blame thing."

"You blame yourself?"

"Yes." She dragged her hand though her hair, the little nervous trait remembering that she was closely related to Edward after all. "I know that Jasper shares some of the blame with me…but if I hadn't pushed him so much, we might have made it through."

She told me the whole story from the moment her maternal instinct started to kick in to the first time she felt Jasper pulling away from her which, unfortunately happened around the same time. It had made her panic, thinking he was getting ready to leave her while all she wanted was to take the next step in their relationship. "…and then I became every guy's nightmare of a clingy bitch," she sighed, banging her head against the coffee table."

"Stop it, Alice," I chuckled, pulling her back. "How would I explain it to Edward if you ended up in hospital with a concussion?"

"I'm sure you'll think of something," she groaned, rubbing her head as she sat back. "And if not…you've always got your body to distract him with."

"We…" I stammered. "We're not…"

"I know that!" Alice giggled. "But that doesn't mean you don't still drive him crazy! The guy's got his eyes glued to you every opportunity he gets. I think I even saw him drool a bit when he picked you up for your first date. The two of you may not be bumping uglies just yet, but that doesn't mean he's not picturing it in his head…"

"Okay…Thanks for the information. Back to you," I blushed.

"Right," Alice sighed. "I didn't want to drive him away, far from it. It's just that when we were at the hospital when you'd just given birth I couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted that too…You know? The love in Edward's eyes when he looked at you, the amazing little boy the two of you created from your love…And then, when Jasper started pulling away from me…I kind of lost it."

"It's not too late, Alice," I told her. "Jasper is back and he wants to talk to you. Why won't you let him?" Jasper had been increasingly saddened as Alice kept shunning every attempt he made to talk to her even going as far as to beg me to help him.

"Why didn't you?" Alice countered. "You avoided my brother for days before you finally allowed him in."

"I was scared," I admitted.

"So am I."

It was then that I knew I might be able to help them. They needed an Esme, someone who would force their heads together when they were both too stubborn to do it. With Esme not being here right now, it seemed like I had to step in and fill the gap.

"You can still do it," I suggested, holding up my hand to stop her from arguing with me. "I know it's hard." I sighed, remembering that awful time. "Hell, I know that after a while it gets almost impossible to break the silence, but that's just it. _Almost_ impossible. Not impossible."

"So what would you have me do?" Alice frowned. "Show up at his apartment and beg him to let me in?"

"Not quite," I replied with a smile, the plan inside my head taking shape, "though I don't think you'd ever have to beg. I'm thinking more along the lines of a chance meeting on neutral territory."

"Expain." She crossed her arms in front of her chest, though a small smile started to appear.

I looked up at her, seeing her small smile turn into a mischievous glint in her eyes as she caught on to the fact that I had a plan. "Did you know Emmett is having a birthday party today?"

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

The sun was just starting to set when I woke up. I must have slept for a good couple of hours. I stretched my body, which was still stiff with sleep, the sweet scent of Bella enveloping me as I stirred the bed sheets. It was definitely good to be back in our room.

Bella had send me to bed almost as soon as Libby and I had made it back, accepting the huge bouquet of deep blue irises with a knowing smile that told me I wasn't off the hook yet. What had surprised me, though, was the fact that she'd insisted I go lie down on her bed while she and Libby headed over to Rose to see if they could help with the preparations. She'd insisted that it was the practical thing to do. Masen would be napping two doors down and I needed to be close to him in case he needed me.

She didn't fool me though. Not with the state of the art baby monitor my room was hooked up to. The delay would have been no more than seconds. Not that I didn't mind waking up in our bed though. Not in the least. It was heaven.

Masen was up too, by the time I got out of the shower, prattling on and on against no one in particular. I decided getting dressed could wait until after I'd attended to my son. He was in good spirits for now and I had learned from experience that that was something to be cherished. For someone as tiny and cute as my son, he could pull off a tantrum that could rival any of his aunt's.

I made sure to dress Masen in something that would pass judgments of both his mother and the fashion Gestapo before taking him upstairs with me to get dressed. He was sitting on the floor by the bed, playing with a few toys I had grabbed on the way while I quickly pulled on a light blue oxford and some comfortable jeans. I was just sticking my first leg into my pants when I noticed Masen had gotten off the floor and was now standing on his own two feet, his hands grabbing the underside of the bed for support.

"Easy there son!" I warned, trying to get my legs into my pants fast enough to prevent him from coming to any bodily harm. "You don't want me to have to explain to your mother how you ended up with a big purple bruise on your head! At least…not if you don't want to grow up in a broken home."

"Dada!" Masen squealed in reply, his stubby little fingers letting go of the bed as he reached out to me.

I watched, transfixed, as he stood on his own for a few fleeting seconds. His legs wobbling underneath him until they finally gave way to gravity and Masen landed on his butt. "Ugh!" he gasped, a small frown coming onto his face as he looked at me. I just stood there while my mind started screaming at me to check if he was okay. My body, however, wasn't quite ready to catch up.

It was a first. I just knew it from the confused look of wonder on his face.

If I were a girl I would have squealed right that moment. In fact, the noise was so close from breaking out I should probably make a mental note to check my chest for tits as soon as I made sure Masen was okay.

I got a first.

I had been slightly jealous of the time Bella got to spend with him over the last couple of weeks. With Masen growing up so fast, almost every day seemed to be having another first. First teeth (though I wasn't exactly sure I lamented not being there for that). First time sitting up. First crawl. First time holding up his bottle unsupported. First time rolling over. First time standing up by grasping support. First time rolling over. Sometimes I half expected him to be eating with knife and fork an speaking proper sentences when I got back from work.

As happy as I was that my little boy was growing stronger every day and delighting his mother with every small progress he made, the glow in Bella's eyes as she told me about yet another first she had witnessed that day made me wish I had chosen a profession that would allow me to be home more.

Today, however, it would be the other way around. Today I got _my_ first and I couldn't be more proud of my son. That was…until I moved to scoop him up from the floor.

"Oh f…." I caught the word just in time before it came out of my lips. If the next full word my son learned would be a swear word I'd be in the doghouse for the rest of my life. Guaranteed. "Crap!"

Literally.

And with the force of impact when his ass hit the floor, it would probably be everywhere now…

"Dadda!" His nose scrunched up slightly as the smell of baby poop wafted around us.

"I know son," I sighed as he wrapped his arms tightly around my neck. "Let's get you cleaned up."

**xXx**

I stood in front of Emmett and Rose's apartment about an hour or so later, both of us smelling much nicer now that crap-o-rama 2010 was behind us.

I remembered the last time I had stood here. It had been the day when I defied Emmett to speak to my wife. God I had been so nervous! If it hadn't been for Carlisle and Esme I never would have gotten up the nerve to do it. I owed them so much.

The door opened and a smiling Bella appeared, a huge smile breaking out on her face as she saw me standing in front of her, our son perched on my hip.

"Hey," I whispered, stealing a quick kiss when nobody was watching.

"Hey," she giggled, blushing slightly. "How was your nap?"

"I wouldn't know," I chuckled. "I was sleeping."

"Duh!" Bella rolled her eyes at me as Masen wriggled out of my arms and into the waiting arms of his mother.

"Do you know what our son did just now?"

"What did you do honey?" she cooed at Masen who just giggled at her, his chubby little arms and legs flailing around. "Did you pee on your daddy again?"

"Nope," I replied proudly. "I managed to get him changed, fed and burped without needing a change of clothes. "Our son stood up all by himself!"

"He did?" Bella's huge eyes told me he hadn't done that before which – I had to admit – made me all kinds of giddy.

"Sure enough," I nodded as Bella planted kiss after kiss on Masen, who just looked confused about what the fuss was all about. "He fell flat on his ass after a couple of seconds but that doesn't matter. He did it!"

"He didn't hurt himself?" Bella asked, looking over the little boy for visible remnants of his fall.

"He had his diaper to break the fall," I chuckled. "Which was full by the way."

"Yuck!"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I had a hard time getting him clean again."

"Hey!" Emmett's booming voice sounded from behind us. "What are the two of you smooching about? This is my party remember?"

"Oh hush!" Rose hollered over the buzz of the party. "How old are you? Four? Let them have their moment. I'm sure there will be plenty of time in the spotlight for you once they're done. Now sit your ass down and open your presents!"

Bella chuckled, shaking her head at her brother who retreated back to the living room with his metaphorical tail between his legs.

"I take it Libby's out?" I asked, laughing along.

"She left with Heidi and Allegra," Bella nodded, one handedly tugging me further into the apartment, towards the living room door. "They were going to get some bread. Rose had the insane notion of being able to bake her own bread without my help."

"Ah, that's the smell," I snorted.

"Yeah," Bella sighed, rolling her eyes. "If only she had looked at the directions on the package, none of this had happened."

"Hey! I heard that!" Rose growled as we entered the living room, Bella sitting down on the sofa with the rest of the girls while I took my position o the other side of the room with the guys, who were as fixated on the exchange going on in front of them as I was. "And just a quick FYI, not that it's any of your damn business, I did read the directions on the package but the damn oven didn't work properly. The stupid thing must be broken or something."

"It's working just fine, Rose," Bella hollered back. "You just didn't set the heating properly. When it says 480 degrees you're supposed to follow that particular direction."

"I just thought I'd speed things up a little," Rose shrugged. "How was I to know the damn thing would go all black and nasty on me?"

"Well, don't do it again," Bella chuckled, "no matter what your pregnancy hormones tell you to do. Baking just isn't your thing."

"Don't I know it!" Rose smiled, pouring Bella a fresh glass of juice or iced tea or whatever sweet concoction the girls were drinking today.

I retreated into guy territory and joined Emmett, Felix and a few other former football players by the looks of it at the dining table, giving Emmett a handshake and a pat on the back while he shoved a beer in my direction.

Much of the time after that passed in the same way. We talked sports, work and kids while sipping beer and watching the girls, who were getting more worked up about something or other by the minute.

"I think they are up to something," Emmett nodded, looking at the women who had their heads stuck together at that moment, one of them peeking out from the scrum every now and then.

"Definitely," Felix nodded. "They are too quiet. It's almost scary."

"Is Jasper here?" I asked, remembering what Bella had told me earlier. It might explain the conspiracy taking shape a few feet away.

"On the balcony,' Emmett shrugged, his eyes lingering on the huddle of females with a slightly frightened curiosity. Felix and he both looked like two tourists on a safari who had stumbled on a drinking ground at night, when the lions had come out; they were too fascinated to stop looking but they knew one wrong move could have them killed.

"Thanks." I was at a loss as to why Jasper would choose the balcony. The sun might have been shining but with the chilly march air and the wind it wasn't exactly the kind of weather that made you want to go sunbathing, which was something Jasper never did anyway.

Jasper and I had learned to get along over the last couple of weeks, which was a necessary evil since he was Bella's friend and a regular visitor. It didn't mean I had forgiven him for walking out on my sister though. I had wanted to pull an Alice and yell at him before breaking his fucking nose into the bargain but I had a feeling that Alice wasn't going to praise me for it like Bella had done with her. Nope, I might end up with my own nose broken as well, if I knew my sister like I thought I did. In the end I had just settled for trying to steer clear from him as best as I could and speaking only when it was unavoidable when I couldn't.

Which was now, because, as much as I hated the guy's guts on those rare moments when Alice allowed her true feelings to break through, I still couldn't set him loose amongst the piranha's. It went against the guy code.

"Jasper."

"Cullen."

"How are you doing?"

"Good. Glad to be back in the civilized world. And you?"

"Fine," I nodded. "Hey, just to give you a heads up….I think Bella shanghaied Alice into coming today. I just thought I might give you a warning. You know…in case you needed one." As much of an asshole as Jasper was for leaving Alice, I didn't want him to get forced into doing anything he didn't want to do.

"I know," he nodded. "I asked her to do it."

Okay, apparently I had been mistaken. "Why?"

"I called Alice a million times but she won't answer, not even when I call her from another phone. It's like she has this sixth sense that tells her it's me or something. Anyway…and when I drop by the house she's not home or she won't open the door. I had to do something. You angry?"

I thought before I answered, remembering what both my therapists had told me about sometimes having to force things in order to make them happen. "Not yet," I finally replied.

"Not yet?"

"I'm not exactly thrilled to have you in a position where you can do more harm, but for now I'm withholding judgment until I see how you try to pull this one off, Whitlock," I warned him. "Mess it up and I _will_ be angry."

"Fair enough," he answered with a shrug, taking another sip from his beer as he flicked the bud over the railing.

I debated giving him the doctor's speech about how smoking was going to kill you for a moment but cast the idea aside. I'd done enough talking to Jasper for one day. You could only be civilized for so long towards the guy who broke your sister's heart and since I had just given him a warning, I considered my quota for the day as spend.

Jasper followed close behind me as I went back indoors but froze on the threshold as he came face to face with Alice who had just gotten in by the looks of it.

Any worry I might have had about how my sister would take this stopped there and then as I realized that she was definitely a member of the female conspiracy. She looked to lovely and bohemian stylish not to be.

"Edward!" she squealed, ignoring Jasper as she flew into my arms.

"You're evil," I chastised her as I disentangled myself from her chokehold.

"I know," she whispered, her voice sounding back to its old self again. "Don't you love it?" She winked at me before joining the women and, if my eyes weren't deceiving me, I saw Rose give her a stealthy pat on the back for a job well done. There was nothing like a broken heart and the challenge to mend it to bring two former enemies together.

I chuckled, shaking my head at a still fascinated Emmett and Felix as I went into the kitchen to grab a few more beers. I didn't notice Emmett had followed me until I felt the weight of his hand on my shoulder.

"Did you need anything?" I asked.

"You're a good guy, Eddie," he said, as softly as his usually so booming voice could get.

"Huh?" I took my eyes off my wife and children for a moment, shocked by his statement. Definitely not the words I had expected coming out of his mouth.

"You heard me," he chuckled. "You stuck with her. Fought for her." He sighed, his eyes shifting back to Bella who was still smiling and whispering with Rose in the corner as they watched Alice and Jasper who were still locked in some freaked out kind of tango. "Look, I know my sister isn't the easiest person to live with. Hell! She's as stubborn as a mule and as closed off as an oyster, and I'm talking about her good days!"

"Emmett!" I huffed, not liking the way he was talking about her.

"Relax man! You know I love the pigheaded little squirt to bits! But that's beside the point," he chuckled, twisting the cap off his beer and taking a big gulp before continuing. "The point I'm trying to make is that you stuck by her, even when she made it damn hard for you to do so, and I respect that man! A lot!"

"What else was I supposed to do?" I shrugged. "I love her."

"I know you do," Emmett nodded. "And thank God for it because she needs you."

"We need each other," I corrected him.

"Sure," he chuckled with a shrug. "But don't let that keep you from getting mad at her when she deserves it. She has to know she can't lock you out of her life again or do a runner every time things get tough and she needs to hear that from you, not from your sister. And you need to be there for her, in any way she might need you. No hiding behind your work or your past or God knows what else this time!"

"We're trying," I muttered.

"Good," Emmett nodded, patting me on the back. "Now go do something manly while I go over to the can to check if my dick's still attached to my body." I chuckled as I heard him leave the kitchen muttering something about damned emotional crap and fucking metrosexual shit while puffing out his chest to making him look even more built than he usually was. Emmett definitely wasn't a natural at this kind of shit.

But he sure as hell was getting better at it. I guess he had to.

"What was all that about?" Bella purred, reaching for something in the cabinet behind me. I groaned a low groan as I felt her body brushing against mine, every soft curve almost painfully palpable against me. "Emmett had that look on his face that he gets when he gets all touchy feely."

"We were talking…" I muttered, wrapping my arms around her and burying my face in her neck. "God! You smell nice."

"Edward…" I'm sure her voice was meant to come out as a warming, but to me it sounded like sex. Though that wasn't saying much. With as little as I was getting nowadays, everything about my wife made me think about sex. If only she wasn't so damn sexy!

"Yes, my darling?" I brushed my lips against the soft skin at the base of her neck, not kissing and barely even touching, just feeling, memorizing, basking.

"Take me home." She blushed, realizing how her words might be construed. "I mean…not like that….damn!"

I smiled, watching her get more adorable by the minute as she fumbled nervously with her words before I decided to save her. "How about we get some takeout and snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie?"

"Yes, I'd like that." I could feel her smile against my chest while my mind fogged over with the closeness of her body and the love that buzzed between us.

Now, let's just hope I could keep my hands to myself.

* * *

**_Who here hopes he doesn't? ;-)_**

**_Wipes bows. Well, that was one of the longest chapters I've ever written. Please let me know what you thought of it. As always...chapters songs, teasers and pictures of a lot of stuff mentioned in this story can be found on the twilighted thread. A link to the forums can be found on my profile._**


	32. What a wonderful world

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**What a wonderful world**

_**March 2010**_

I was surprised to see a silver Volvo parked on the sidewalk when I left the building that housed the practice of the doctors Crane. I knew his shift had ended somewhere around about the same time my session for today would be done, but I had thought he would go straight home. He had, after all, just completed a thirty six hour shift.

Edward was leaning against the passenger door, his eyes fixed on the door I'd just exited. When he saw me emerging he broke out in a huge grin, his features changing from worn out to mischievous and boyish with it. "Good afternoon, my love," he purred, leaning in for a quick kiss before he opened the door for me.

"Good afternoon," I replied, still pleasantly surprised by his being there. "This is unexpected….I thought you'd be in bed by now!"

"Can't a husband pick up his wife from her session with her therapist?" he pouted in a mock hurt tone.

"Of course," I quickly replied. "And I love it that you do…but aren't you tired?"

"I'm okay," he shrugged, pulling out of the parking space. "We had a quiet night for once so I managed to get some sleep. How was your session with Doctor Crane?"

"Good, I guess," I mused, thinking back on the past hour. "Though sometimes I kind of wonder if Doctor Crane isn't more in need of mental help than I am!"

"You too?" he snorted. "I guess it must run in the family then, because Doctor Niles looks like he could do with a good sofa-session as well."

"We talked about my mother again today," I blurted out, focusing my attention on the scenery passing by as I thought back on what must have been one of the hardest sessions yet. It was strange, how difficult it was to look at my mother through the eyes of an outsider and see how far her influence in my life stretched. What was ever harder to deal with, were the insights and conclusions that could be derived from that.

I sighed, leaning my forehead against the cool glass of the window. It was both so easy and so hard to blame my mother for where I was now….

I knew as well as anyone that the impossibly high standards my mother had imposed upon me ever since I was born had always made me push myself harder and stronger to achieve her praise and that her rejection and disappointment when I became pregnant with Libby were the motors behind my burn out, but stupid enough, I had never really blamed her for it. I had always blamed myself and the circumstances I found myself in, but never others.

Revisiting how my mother had tried from early childhood to have me live the life she had always wanted, was painful. Things I had never really seen any harm in now came to light and it was so damn confusing. It made me question every decision I had ever made. Had I ever really wanted to go to a top school? Had I wanted to major in English? Had I wanted to become a teacher? Had I wanted to pursue a doctorate degree?

I thought I did, but could I really be sure about anything?

The thought that not only had my mother screwed with my sense of self-achievement but also with everything I considered to me 'me' made me want to seek her out and bang her head against whatever solid surface was at hand until she begged to be forgiven. How could she have done that to me? Her child! Even the thought that I would dictate Libby's life like that and prevent her from becoming who she was supposed to become made me sick to my stomach. In what kind of universe would she have ever thought that doing a thing like that was okay?

However, blaming my mother for all the bad things that had happened to me was too easy. Inexcusable as her actions might have been, my reaction to them had been downright stupid. By allowing her standards to dictate my own sense of success and self-realization I had endangered the happiness of my family and of myself. For years I had meekly followed her directions and allowed her to criticize me without any questions asked. My behavior had been that of a child, naïve and desperate for confirmation, not that of a grown woman and a mother of two.

"Love?" Edward's velvety voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "Please, talk to me. I hate to see you like that."

"I'm sorry," I replied with a deep sigh, rubbing the now ice-cold half of my face. "I had a hard time today and I just feel frustrated with the lack of progress I seem to be making lately."

"Are you sure of that?" he asked. "I think you've made more progress over the last couple of weeks than some people make in a year. If you could only see the change in yourself…the lightness in your step, the fresh look on your face, the honesty in your smile, the interest you take in the world around you…I can see a little bit of the old you returning to me every day and even if the process is slow and frustrating sometimes, just remind yourself that every step in another one in the right direction and that when you've finally completed the distance, you'll be in a better place than you've ever been before."

"Thank you," I muttered, knowing it was the truth.

"You're welcome," he smiled, taking my hand in his and folding them together over the gear shift, his touch helping me to push my frustrations away for now. "Just forget about what's not going to plan right now and focus on what you've accomplished."

"How do you know just the right thing to say?" I wondered. It seemed almost as if I had never left Doctor Crane's office. Apart from the personal notes only he could attach, he had said exactly the same things my therapist said when I got frustrated with the lack of progress I was making. Even the tone of his voice – soft, steady, open, decisive – was the same.

"I may or may not have done some reading on the matter," Edward acknowledged with a small chuckle. He knew he had been caught. "And I may or may not have asked for some professional advice…"

"You did all that?" I gasped. I knew Edward loved me and would do anything he could for me but the fact that he had gone through such lengths to help me when his schedule was as shocking as it was heartwarming.

"Are you angry?" He looked nervous as he glanced sideways at me to gauge my reaction.

"Of course not!" I snorted. "I'm touched, amazed…humbled, that you would do such a thing for me."

"I _want_ to help you, Bella," he responded. "I know I've got some shit of my own to deal with, but your problems are far bigger and harder to deal with than mine. I want to be there for you and support you in whatever way you need me." He paused, concentrating on driving the car for a bit before he continues. "I want to be there for you….Like I should have been there for you in the last couple of months, when you needed me. I _want_ to do a better job at being your husband this time."

"I love you, Edward," I replied, my voice thick with emotion. "To know that you did all this for me…..Thank you for believing in me." It was the first time I had consciously spoken the words since our separation but I knew the moment they left my lips that it was the right time to utter them. I loved him. I always had and I knew I always would. I also really wanted to kiss him but I knew that would only have us end up wrapped around a lamppost or something since he was still driving so I settled for just squeezing the hand that was still wrapped around mine.

"I love you too, Bella," he replied solemnly, returning my squeeze. "Don't ever doubt that."

"I won't." I didn't know what madness had possessed me to do so before, but I knew in my heart that I would never make that mistake again. I had always known that Edward loved me, but his actions over the last couple of weeks had made me see the incredibly depth of his love. I felt so humbled to be in the presence of such a man and have him love me even in spite of my many flaws. I knew I would never be good enough to deserve his love, but where that had made me shy away from it before, I was now slowly learning to fight for it.

"Ah! She's here!" I was startled out of my personal reflections once again by Edward's voice. This time, however, his words confused me.

"Who?" I followed his gaze to see Alice bouncing on the front steps, grinning like a cat who'd been let into an aviary. I turned to Edward who had a matching grin on his face as Alice gave him the thumbs up. "What is going on?"

"We, my dear," Edward stated, turning the full dazzling power of his green eyes on me, "are going on a date tonight."

"Huh?" My mind couldn't come up with anything better in that moment. "Did I forget…."

"No, love," Edward chuckled. "You didn't forget. I thought it would be a nice surprise and after all…I still have to make up for the long hours I've made over the last couple of weeks."

True. I knew how Edward didn't really have a choice when it came to the amount of hours he was working at the hospital. I had long ago resigned myself to the fact that my husband was a highly skilled doctor, a heart surgeon in training, and that his skills were in high demand. After all, they couldn't very well ask the janitor to step in and hold the scalpel if all the doctors were off duty. The fact that he'd forgotten to let me know he would be working _extra_ shifts, however, was another matter entirely. Not to mention the day he'd almost stood his own child up because he had been working so long he didn't even know what part of the day it was anymore.

"I guess you're right," I chuckled with a dramatic sigh. "But what about Libby and Masen?"

"All taken care of," Edward assured me. "Rose and Emmett were very happy to have them over."

"And Alice?" I had a queasy feeling in my stomach.

"Come on, Bells," he snickered. "It Alice. You know what she's here for."

Of course I knew damn well why Alice was standing there with a huge grin on her face. She was here to help me get ready for tonight.

God help me!

"There better not be a corset involved, Edward Antony Cullen!" I growled. "If I have to get through whatever the hell you have planned for us tonight, I want to be able to breathe!"

"But I like corsets," he pouted, leaning in to whisper in my ear. "They look spectacular on you." I almost let a moan slip through my lips when his tongue darted out and briefly touched my earlobe. Before I had time to recollect myself and think of a witty comeback, however, he had exited the car and was walking around to my side to open the door.

"Bella!" Alice squealed, jumping down from the front steps of my house. "Don't stand there looking like a deer caught in headlights! Step to it! We have work to do!"

"Nice surprise, Edward," I hissed, narrowing my eyes at my husband. "Remind me to pay you back in kind someday!"

"Don't worry love," he whispered in my ear, the purr of his voice vibrating through my body before settling in between my legs. "You are going to love this. I'll make sure of that."

"If you say so…" I sighed. The fact that Alice was here meant that whatever Edward had planned for us was big, since he wouldn't bring out the heavy guns for just dinner and a movie. Big, unfortunately, usually meant uncomfortable. Uncomfortable clothes, uncomfortable situations…I was afraid of the consequences.

"Hey." I felt his cold finger underneath my chin, lifting it up so that I was forced to look at him. "You _will_ like this. It may look like it's way out of your comfort zone, but you will just have to trust me on this. I would never do anything to damage your recovery."

"Okay." I took a deep breath, steeling my resolve. I could trust Edward, I knew I could. If he said that whatever he had planned for us would be good, it would be.

"That's my girl," he chuckled before pressing his lips against mine, softly, in reward for a bravery I had yet to show.

"God! Edward!" Alice groaned. "Quit sucking face with Bella and hand her over because I swear to God, if I don't get started within ten minutes she'll look like a freakin' Picasso instead of like the pictures you've shown me."

"Pictures?" I was puzzled and intrigued. Edward didn't usually leave such strict directions when it came to how I was dressed. What _did_ he have planned for us?

"Yes." He smiled his crooked smile, knowing I was dying to know more about tonight than he was willing to share. The game had started. "Pictures."

"Argh!" Alice growled, stepping in between us with a look of evil in her eyes. "You. Sleep!" Alice commanded, pointing at Edward. "You. Follow me." She grabbed my hand and headed off, grumbling under her breath.

"Bye honey!', Edward called after us. "Have fun with Alice!"

"Oooh! Evil!" I gasped, almost losing my footing as Alice dragged me behind her up the front steps.

"Pictures indeed!" Alice growled, tugging me behind her into the house and towards my bedroom. "What did the asshole think? That I don't know styles? I studied fashion for Christ sakes!" I noticed my room had the 'Alice was here' look stamped all over it. My closet looked oversaturated and even with the drawers closed and I could feel she had been through my underwear and replaced the comfortable, slightly large simple white panties with frilly, lacy things. The most visible reminder, however, were the two garment bags lying on the bed, flanked by two identical shoeboxes bearing a designer crest.

"Let's get through the showing of the clothes first," Alice spoke with a dramatic sigh, "because I know you're just going to whine all afternoon anyway if I don't. And remember," she gave me a pointed glare, "these clothes were requested by dumbass up there," she pointed up to the ceiling and the floor above where Edward was hopefully resting after a hard day at work, "if you have any issues with them, you can take them out on him."

"Noted," I nodded, There was a chill in the air, a chill I had first noticed when she came to see me last Saturday. It was the chill of things left unspoken…important things. I hated it. I had never been as close to Alice as I was to Rose, but before the shit hit the fan we'd always gotten along great, especially when you considered how different we were. Now, it was like we had to start all over again. Sure, Alice acted pleasant enough, almost like nothing was wrong, but I could feel there were a lot of things she wanted to say to me, but she wasn't sure if she could.

Alice took one of the bags and carefully opened the zipper to reveal a delicate looking powder blue bustier dress with contrasting black straps to hold the thing up and a black butterfly pin on the left him where the bodice met the flowy skirt. The dress was made weather proof by a matching black jacket with a blue butterfly broche on it. "It's……"

"Amazing? Your best find ever? Going to look great on me?" Alice prompted.

"Yeah," I nodded. "All of the above."

"Good," she half-growled, making me realize that any other reaction wouldn't have been appreciated. "Now let's see what you think about the shoes." She opened the box to reveal a pair of black, patent leather Mary Janes with heals that must have neared the four inch mark. As impractical as sandals might have been in the chilly nights of a Manhattan March, these one were worth the sacrifice. The heals on the leather sandals were perhaps a bit too high and narrow for my liking, but they looked gorgeous none the less. Alice's lessons must have been rubbing off on me after all.

"So?" Alice had that eager look on her face, her heels tapping on the floor in impatience.

"I love it," I assured her. "But you knew that already."

"Of course," she snickered with a satisfied smile. "Now get showered and put on the underwear I've laid out for you. We don't have time to spare here!"

The coldness wasn't out of the air when I was done showering. Sure, Alice was civil to me and smiled and chatted just like she normally did, but I could tell there was something holding her back. She was still upset over what had happened. I could feel it while she hovered around me, applying some mascara, eyeliner and a hint of eye shadow.

"What's the matter, Alice?" I asked, finally breaking the laden silence.

"Bella." She let out a deep sigh, all traces of her usual upbeatness disappearing like snow before the sun. "Can I be brutally honest with you?"

I cringed, guessing what she was going to say but I knew I needed to hear it. I didn't want there to be any secrets between me and the people I considered my friends, my family. "Sure."

"Wow," she chuckled. "That sounded convincing."

"Never mind, Alice," I replied with a sigh. "Just let me have it."

"You've asked for it," she warned with a wry smile. "Okay….." She sighed again. "I still find it very…difficult not to be angry with you for what you did to my brother." She held up her hand before I could speak. "It doesn't mean that I hate you or even that I resent being in your presence, it means that I hate what you did." She took a deep breath, calming herself before she continued. "When Edward got home that day, after Emmett told him to leave you alone, he thought he'd lost you. He almost drank himself into a coma that night, cursing himself and his past and calling out your name as if it would bring you back to him. It was the only night he let himself go and I don't know what was worse: seeing him in so much pain, or watching him go back to zombie-state the following day." She sagged down onto the bed, her eyes downcast and rimmed with tears as she continued. "My heart broke when I saw him the next morning, not because I saw that he'd given up on everything, but because it was exactly the way it had been before….that first time he thought he'd lost you. I called my mom that morning because I was afraid of what would happen now that his only other distraction, his job, the thing that had kept him at least somewhat connected to the world around him last time around, had gone up in smoke too."

"You thought he'd hurt himself?" I gasped in horror.

"In one way or another, yes," Alice nodded. "He may not have been stupid enough to really hurt himself, but there's no knowing what harm he could have caused if he had kept that kind of behavior up for a longer period of time."

"You know this from experience, don't you?" I asked, already knowing to some extend what her answer would be.

"Unfortunately, yes." The complete devastation in her eyes as I caught them through the mirror glass. "When he returned home the summer after the two of you first met I almost didn't recognize him. He was so thin and he looked like he'd been carrying the weight of the world around on his shoulders….Mom, of course, was wonderful. She forced him to eat and sleep and threatened to have him admitted to the psych ward if he didn't cooperate." She let out a small chuckle. "You know Edward doesn't match up against her. I think no one does…but there was one thing even she didn't accomplish. She couldn't make him go back into therapy. Edward has always been very adamant in that…well, until now."

"I didn't know that…"

"Oh, yes," Alice snorted. "You should have been there when they went head to head over it. It was like a scene from Gladiator but without all the blood splatter. Anyway…in the end Edward decided a change of scenery would be good for him and arranged a last minute transfer to New York. He only let us know a couple of days before he was leaving…I think because he already knew how mom would react."

"He was afraid she wouldn't let him go?"

"No," she shook her head. "Not that. If Edward wants to do something he'll do it, regardless of what anyone will say to him. He just wanted to spare mom the disappointment when he would eventually leave her care."

"But you went with him…" I mused, recalling what they'd told me.

"Yep." Alice's grin was huge. "The look on his face when I told him I was coming with him…it was priceless. It was the first human reaction anyone had gotten out of him in months, I think."

"And he accepted it, just like that?" Somehow I didn't think so.

"Of course not!" Alice chuckled, hopping up from the bed and getting back to work. "But he had very little ammunition to do battle with. I'd just finished fashion school and was looking for a job. New York was a better place for me to be than Chicago ever would be." She snickered and I could see by the faraway look in her eyes that she was reliving everything she spoke about. "Not even playing the 'Esme-card' helped him that time since mom was ecstatic over the fact that I would be there to take care of him."

"And so you went to New York."

"We did." Alice nodded, pulling the strand of hair apart and puffing them up to create more volume. "And slowly but surely my brother started to morph back into something resembling the human form again. But he wasn't happy…at least, not before he met you again."

"I understand." I nodded, searching her eyes through the mirror. There was a look of understanding between us, mixed with warning from Alice's side and remorse from mine.

"I hope you do," Alice calmly stated, "because if you ever pull another stunt like that again, Bella…I don't know what I'll do. I might come off as shallow, pushy and annoying and…well, maybe I am a little, but know that I do love my family and if anyone ever does anything to hurt them, I'll defend them in any possible way."

I nodded as silence settled in. I knew no statement of mine would be appreciated because, as much as Alice was my friend, I knew that it would be a long time before I would proof myself to her again.

"How are things between Jasper and you?" I asked after a while, changing the subject to something which I hoped would be a bit more upbeat. "He told me the two of you have been speaking."

"We have," she confirmed, a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth. "In fact…we're having dinner later on."

"That's great, Aly!" I called out, resisting the urge to hug her. I knew Alice had taken their separation harder than she was letting on. She might have acted cool and collected, even to the point where she had managed to make it seem like meeting Jasper at Emmett's birthday party was no big deal, anyone who knew her could see it was all an act though. She was heartbroken under her tough, hyperactive armor. "But why are you wasting your time on me? Shouldn't you be getting ready?"

"No, silly Bella," she chuckled, patting me on the head with the comb she was wielding. "Jazz is coming to pick me up from here half an hour after you're leaving and well…" She shrugged, stepping back to appreciate her hard work. "my hair doesn't take anywhere near as much time to get done as yours. Just a quick comb through and a bit of wax and I'm done."

"I envy you," I grumbled. My hair had the annoying ability to look like a haystack only five minutes after I was done brushing it. There was always something that would happen to mess it up again; Edward, Masen, bad weather, bad hair…sometimes I thought about cutting it as short as Alice's but then again…Edward loved my hair. "So the two of you are going to try again?"

"I don't know if we get that far," Alice mused. "Buy you could say we're having some preliminary meetings to discuss if that's what we want."

"Alice Cullen!" I snorted. "Have you been watching CSPAN again? You're talking like a politician."

"Isn't love the same thing but with much more….satisfactory benefits?" she snickered. "All I'm saying is that right now I don't know if we can make us work again. It depends on so much….Like Edward and you we have such a fucking lot to talk about. It does your mind in really, when you think about it!"

"But you still want him back?"

She rolled her eyes as if I had just said something stupid. "Of course I do! I'm just not such a sissy pants as Edward is. He might have taken you back without giving you a hard time over it, but that doesn't mean I'll do the same."

"So you're just torturing him," I snickered.

"You're finally catching on," she grinned. "I prefer to call it 'giving him a taste of his own medicine' though." She shrugged, pulling my hair back into a twist at the base of my neck, but a looser variety that didn't make it look so formal. " I'll let him chase me some more and enjoy watching him sweat for a while before he's getting laid again, _if_ that's ever going to happen. He'll get the chance to proof to me just how serious he is about this whole 'getting back together' thing."

"You are taking this serious, are you?" I asked. "Please, Alice, tell me you're not just fooling around." As much as I thought Jasper deserved some punishment for walking out on Alice (though I did realize what a hypocrite that made me), I would not stand by and watch her trample all over his heart. Jasper loved her and he was committed to trying again or at least giving Alice the closure she needed. He didn't deserve to be toyed with.

"I am," Alice stated solemnly. "I'm sorry if I came off wrong. I do love Jasper and I do want to try, but I'm also scared and on my guard." She fumbled around with a few loose strands of my hair before stepping away. "I don't want to get my heart broken again. Not when it's just starting to mend." She shrugged, the armor shifting back into place. "You're done, and you look fabulous if I may say so." We shared a smile through the mirror. She was right. I looked a lot better than I had in a while both because of the rest I had gotten and because of Alice's handiwork. "Now go put on the clothes and report for final inspection."

"Aye aye, captain," I snorted, grabbing the clothes from the bed and making my way over to the bathroom to change.

I sighed when I walked past my bed. I knew I should change the sheets since I couldn't even remember when I had put them on which meant that I would have to take action before they would go in search of a washing machine on their own accord. Yet, they still smelled like Edward after he'd slept in them last Friday and the lingering scent of him made me feel so loved and protected, even if he wasn't sleeping beside me.

When I looked into the mirror, coming out of the bathroom again, I had a feeling that whatever we were going to do had something to do with a past era. The dress, combined with the shoes and the old-fashioned stockings with a seem at the back made me look like something out of the fifties, though in a slightly more updated fashion.

I was just prepping myself to ask Alice (not that I expected a direct answer from her) when I heard a knock on the door.

"Well, go on!" Alice giggled when she saw me standing there, frozen in space like a deer caught in headlights. She had changed into a formfitting black dress with gold chain necklaces attached to the neckline while I was in the bathroom. She looked stunning and very classy. "Don't keep Edward waiting. The guy's a nervous mess as it is!"

"I heard that!" My husband's voice sounded through the door as it cranked open just a sliver. "Bella? Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," I said, taking another deep cleansing breath before I stepped into his line of vision.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock, my hand doing what it always seemed to revert to somewhere during the night: playing with Bella's wedding band.

Each night when I got into the room I took it out of its hiding place in my sock drawer and placed it on the bedside table where, inevitably, I would pick it up somewhere during the night to hold it in my hands, kind of like a kid needing a blankie to sleep at night.

I smiled to myself as I mechanically bludgeoned my clock to make the annoying beeping sound go away. Not even the small plastic instrument of the devil could get me down today. Not when I had plans to go out with my wife.

A cloud passed in front of my good humor when I thought about the risk I was taking. It was one thing to urge Bella to take a step forward and do something she might not have tried on her own, it was a whole other thing to push her far, far out of her comfort zone, like I was planning to do tonight.

Was I doing the right thing or would all of this come back to bite me in the ass?

I had been planning this date for some time now, starting back in the days when Bella was still making huge leaps in therapy. Now that they had addressed the most urgent of her problems – the burn out and her difficulty in opening up and asking for help when things got too tough for her – and were starting to delve into the shit that had made her end up like this, though, progress was getting slower and more frustrating and it showed. I had been close to cancelling our plans tonight and just wing it at the last moment when I saw her standing in the doorway of the therapist's office. She looked so fragile and confused. So not ready to be challenged. For a moment I had made up my mind to postpone, hell, I probably still could. Knowing Bella, she wouldn't really mind ending up at Burger King after seeing a movie. Not even after being dolled up by Alice all day. But then she had smiled at me when we'd said our goodbye downstairs, and all her problems had seemed to lift. It was then that I realized that we could do this.

I had asked her to trust me. This date was as much as test for her as it was for me. Bella would have to show tonight, that she belonged by my side, even when we were in public and that she was worthy of being looked at, of being admired even (which was a part of the evening I wasn't exactly looking forward to, to be honest). I, on the other hand, would have to stay strong for her and provide her with the stability she needed to come out of her shell. Strong meaning that I would be there for her when she needed me and listen without jumping to conclusions and blaming myself.

I would have to be her rock, her support, which was something I had always failed at when we went out in public. The two Christmas balls we'd been to, the whole affair with Irina….I had a lot to make up for, and tonight would be a start.

Not wanting to rain on my own parade before it had even started I got out of bed and started to get ready, snickering to myself when I saw the 'present' my sister had left for me. There really wasn't a challenge you could throw at her that she wasn't able to complete!

By the time I got out of the shower and into my clothes it was almost time to pick Bella up, for which I was glad. With the nerves and doubts coming back full force the moment I didn't have anything to keep myself busy with I couldn't wait to get this how on the road.

It appeared that I hadn't been able to hide my mental state when I overheard Alice saying something about me being a nervous mess as soon as I hit the first floor.

"I heard that!" I growled while nervously straightening my tie. I wondered what I should do next. Barging in like some savage seemed like a wrong idea, even if this used to be my room too once. It was now Bella's domain. I had given it to her out of my own free will. It was her place to be safe. Still, knocking sounded so silly to me.

"Bella?" I asked, opening the door so much that she knew I was there and waiting for her and so little that it wouldn't be an intrusion (hopefully). "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." She sounded both excited and wary, the same combination that currently coursed through my nervous system as I watched the door open further.

And the all conscious thought left me.

To say that she was stunning would have been an insult to the image of perfection standing before me. She looked like an angel, a vision, but not of the serene and untouchable kind. No, this angel was very real and standing within touching distance, a fierce blush tinting her pale skin all the way from her hairline to where the swell of her breasts disappeared behind the fabric of her light blue dress.

"I'll make myself scarce then," Alice's snickered sounded from somewhere nearby. "If I have to stand by and watch you two ogle each other I'm afraid I'm going to heave right here on the bedroom floor."

"Bye!" I muttered, waving absentmindedly in the direction of where I thought she was standing without ever taking my eyes of the vision beside me for the tiniest hint of a moment.

"Bye Alice," Bella whispered, her blush deepening. "Thanks for helping me get ready."

I thought I could see Alice roll her eyes out of the corner of my eye before she grabbed something from the bed and waltzed out of the room, past us and up the stairs to the second floor to finish getting ready for her date with Jasper.

I still wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that one.

I didn't let my doubt about whether or not my sister should give 'the jackass who ran' another try overcloud my night for long though. It was impossible to let my mind wander from Bella for more than a few seconds, especially now when she was nervously skipping from one foot to another while biting her lip. _Shit! I should have said something. Now she was being nervous. Stupid!_

"So, here we are," I muttered nervously, raking a hand though my hair. "You look amazing, Bella."

"Thanks." If she was going to get any redder I would have to make a quick trip to the fridge to get her some ice. I didn't want her brain to overheat. "You don't look half bad yourself either."

I took her hand in mine, threading our fingers together and using my hold on her to pull her into an embrace, my hands starting to explore her lithe body before I could do anything to stop her. She didn't seem to mind though. In fact, her contented sigh told me she was quite okay with what I was doing.

"Hmm." I let my hand follow the delicate straps of her garter upwards toward the curve of her ass, my mind fogging over with the sweet smell of Bella and love and lust. "I see Alice followed my request to the letter."

She let out a small whimper, the sexy, feminine sound going straight to my cock and I knew that if we ever wanted to make it out of here I had to take a step backward. The temptation of taking her right up against this very wall was getting almost too strong to resist.

Not yet.

Not a day went by that I had to remember myself that it was too soon for anything physical in our relationship. We still had a lot more ground to cover on the emotional side of us before we could give in to our physical urges. Not that that made it any easier for me to step back though…

We'd had a few close calls. The night of Emmett's party having been the closest of them all. For some stupid reason I had thought that spending the night on the couch with my wife, surrounded by our two children wouldn't be such a big problem for my hormones, but apparently not getting any for a few weeks had catapulted me back into 'horny fourteen year old boy' status. It had been okay for as long as the kids had been around, though I had had to make sure that, as long as Bella's warm hot body was leaning against mine, I kept my lap shielded by a comforter. It was after that that things got a lot harder for me…literally.

Surprisingly Bella had been the voice of reason that night and it was a good thing she stopped me before heavy petting would have turned into hot, heavy, smoldering sex, because by God I couldn't have stopped.

Not yet. It had become a daily mantra to me. Not Yet. Too soon. Talk first.

Damned baby steps!

"So, are you going to tell me where we are going?" she asked, her warm brown eyes questioning me. "I mean…I know that with the dress and your whole Sinatra getup we're probably going somewhere fancy and otherworly…but that's about it."

"You're not that far off, actually," I chuckled, watching her expression go from hopeful to frustrated. The games had started. "Anyway." I shot a look at my watch, noticing that as ever the time had gotten away from us. "We'd better get going."

"Ooh!" she squealed. "We've got a time frame? Are we going to the theatre?"

"My lips are sealed, love." I was enjoying this game more than I should but the look on her face, her nose scrunched up in concentration and her eyes scrutinizing everything around her for clues were too cute not to.

I held her close as we descended the stairs, telling myself that it was just to keep her from stumbling on her heels when we both knew better, before wrapping her up in her thick winter coat and ushering her outside where the taxi I had ordered was already waiting.

"What? No Vanquish today?" she snickered, tiny mischievous lights dancing in her eyes. "Are you going cheap on me?"

"Not likely," I snorted. She knew better than that.

I tried the ignore the pissed off look the taxi driver was giving me because we'd kept him waiting for two friggin' minutes as I gave him the address, speaking as low as I could.

"Are we going to the theatre?" Of course Bella had overheard. Having been a teacher for years she had developed that almost bat-like hearing system that could detect two students cheating from a mile away. "Hmm," she mused on, gathering from my look that it wasn't a theatre I was taking her to tonight. "What else it at West 44th street….."

"Just enjoy the ride sweetheart," I chuckled, trying very hard not to kill the driver for rolling his eyes at my wife. "You'll find out soon enough."

Our ride was mostly quiet as we crossed the city. I was content to just have Bella snuggled into my side and watching the city pass us by in silence, the only sounds being the purr of the engine beneath us and the sounds of Kenny G murdering some unsuspecting pop classic coming from the car radio.

I almost let out a very girlish squeal when, after a couple of moments, Bella suddenly jumped up in her seat, triumph shining in her eyes "_Birdland_! You're taking me to _Birdland_!"

"Good girl!" I mockingly praised her. "Do you want a cookie now?"

"Shut up Edward," she snarled, narrowing her eyes at me. "You're just pissy because I found out."

"If I agree and apologize, will you go back to your normal, calm self?" I chuckled, rubbing the spot on my head where it had connected with the frame of the car when she jumped.

"Hmm," she mused. 'I'm going to have to think about that."

She must have decided in my advantage, thank God, because the rest of our journey passed once more in comfortable peace. I could feel Bella's excitement rising as we got closer, as she no doubt must have felt the same with me. _Birdland_ was legendary in the world of jazz. Inspired by Charlie Parker, there was hardly a jazz great of the last seventy years who hadn't at one point in his or her career graced the stage of this jazz club. It was almost sacred grounds for jazz lovers like me, and I was very excited to share this with the woman I loved.

"Are we going in?" Bella snickered next to me, "or would you prefer to keep ogling the front entrance all night?"

"Stop it!" I scolded in mock anger. "You're ruining the fun."

"Nope," she chuckled. 'I'm just eager to get it started."

"Well then," I smiled, offering her my arm. "Let's go in."

We enjoyed the southern style menu of the restaurant while the band was starting to set up for the night, the club getting more crowded every minute as the performance got closer. By the time they were getting started the place was packed, the only empty space being the small dance floor in front of the stage, though I had no doubt in my mind that that one would be filled before long too.

The people around us were dressed in a lot of different styles. Some casual, others formal but most, like us, slightly 'Rat Pack'. There was an older couple sitting next to us who looked like they were having a great time, the woman scooting her chair to the side to get a better look at the stage and thereby accidentally brushing against Bella's arm.

"I'm sorry dear!" she apologized. "I hope I didn't hurt you?"

"Not at all," Bella reassured her with a smile, adjusting her own chair so that she now sat next to the woman. "You've given me a great idea, actually."

"Have you been here before?" the woman went on. "I'm Shelly, by the way. Shelly Martins. And this is my husband Carl."

"Hello," Bella nodded at Carl who was watching the exchange with a bemused smile, nodding his head at me as Bella proceeded to introduce the both of us. "…and no; this is the first time I'm here."

"You wouldn't say it by the look of you," Shelly gushed. "Look at you! You look like you were made for places such as these!"

My heart warmed at the huge smile that broke out on Bella's face and I wanted to hug the woman as I noticed that Bella had sat up a little bit straighter, her shoulders pushed back. She was growing more confident. "Thank you," she replied in a warm voice. "You don't look out of place yourself, either."

"Do you know that Carl took me here when we first started dating?" Shelly regaled. "I remember it clearly. It was in 1963 and I had just arrived in town to go to school here. It was my first date too, so you can imagine how nervous I was." She sat back and smiled at her husband. "John Coltrane was performing that night. I remember that because I found out later on that the show had been recorded and made into a record, which Carl bought for me on my birthday later that year."

"That's so sweet!" Bella gushed.

"Isn't it?" Shelly giggled, looking far younger than she probably would be considering that she was of dating age in 1963. "But looking at the two of you I don't think I have to tell you about the wonders of love."

Bella smiled and looked at her lap and, though I could not see it, I knew that she was doing that nervous thing with her fingers.

Just then the music started playing and – just as I thought – it didn't take more than a minute for the dance floor to be packed.

"Look at all those people dancing!" Bella called out in wonder, looking at the strange mix of people – old, young, dressed up to the nines and casual – that had gathered there.

"Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing in a place like this?" Shelly chuckled leaning in and whispered something in Bella's ear that made her blush a scarlet shade of red, visible even in the dimmed light of the club. I made a mental note to ask her about it later.

"Come on Shelly, my love," her husband spoke, his whole body understatedly moving with the beat. "Let's show these young folks how it's done."

"I thought you'd never ask," Shelly playfully scolded him as she allowed Carl to guide her to the dance floor.

"You want to join them?" I offered, watching her face closely to gauge her reaction.

She looked hesitant. The tapping of her foot and the way she shifted in her seat told me she wasn't completely averse to dancing, but there was still so much fear in her eyes when I looked at her. "I don't know…" she finally stammered, her voice barely carrying over the loudness of the music. "Would it be okay if we sat this one out?"

"Of course," I replied immediately, not wanting her to feel like she owed me a dance or anything. As proud as I would be if she did want to dance, I would never push her.

We sat there for the remainder of the song and the next song, just looking on and talking every now and then. It was relaxed, easy…just like we used to be. "I think I'm ready now," she stated as the band started a new song, looking up at me her eyes still wide with fear but also fierce in determination.

"Then let's dance," I chuckled, so proud of my brave wife as I led her out to the dance floor.

She molded her body to mine, uncertainly and shaky on her first couple of steps. Fortunately for the both of us the rhythm of the song the band was currently playing wasn't too testing. It was up-tempo but not so much so that it was impossible to dance to unless you were a pro. I could feel Bella starting to get into it after a few steps but she was still completely tense. I needed something to distract her with.

"What did Shelly say to you just now?" I whispered in her eyes, reveling in the closeness of her body and the way our bodies moved long in almost perfect harmony.

"A woman doesn't kiss and tell," Bella spoke in a disapproving tone.

"Bella," I purred. "We both know that there's only one subject that will make you blush that hard and that subject also involves me. One could argue therefore that I have a right to know…."

"One could argue, yes," Bella snickered. "But that doesn't make it any of your business."

"You know you want to tell me," I sang, gliding my hands over the smooth fabric of her dress until they rested on her ass.

"Evil man," she groaned, leaning the side of her face on my shoulder. "If you really want to know….she told me that you could tell a lot about a man by the way he dances…." She paused but I knew there was more to it. "That, if he was any good at it, he was bound to be good in other things…"

I somehow had a feeling Shelley hadn't put it in such veiled words but I got the meaning none the less, which, of course, immediately prompted me to ask the question that any man wants to know. "So, what do you think of my technique?"

When she snickered I knew I wasn't going to get an honest answer out of it. She was toying with me. And I loved every minute of it since it was the return of the old Bella. My Bella.

"It will do."

"It will do?" I cried out in mock shock. "I'm hurt."

"No you're not," she snickered. "And I was only kidding. You know damn well that your skills are legendary."

"That's more like it." As sure as I was of myself in that department, it was always a nice thing to be told.

The song ended blended into the next one just then, the rhythm of this new song much slower.

"Do you want to go back to our table?' I asked as the familiar tunes of Louis Armstrong's _'What a wonderful world'_ drifted through the room.

"Not really," she shrugged, stepping closer to me and burying her face in my chest.

"Good," I spoke with a content sigh, "because if it were up to me, we'd stay like this forever."

"Forever is fine by me," she muttered as we swayed to soft flowing song.

_I see trees of green, red roses too  
I see them bloom for me and you  
And I think to myself what a wonderful world._

How true the lyrics of the song were. Watching something or – as in my case: someone – grow was the most amazing thing in the world. It truly made you stop and take stock of how amazing and wonderful the world really was.

I rested my head on Bella's hair, drinking her in as I muttered along with the words.

_I see skies of blue and clouds of white  
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night  
And I think to myself what a wonderful world._

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky  
Are also on the faces of people going by  
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do  
They're really saying I love you.

Bella squealed as I dipped her on the 'I love you', earning an appreciative smile from Shelley who was dancing with her husband a couple of feet away from us. I snickered. She would find no fault in my 'skills'.

_I hear babies crying, I watch them grow  
They'll learn much more than I'll never know  
And I think to myself what a wonderful world  
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world._

"Thank you so much for taking me here," Bella spoke as the song slowly faded. "I'm having a lovely time. Thank you for showing me that I can do this."

"Thank you for allowing me to," I stated honestly. "There's so much I want the two of us to do…so much we still need to accomplish. But I feel like tonight has been a big step."

"I agree," she nodded, the movement of her head stroking my chest.

"Do you want to return to our table?" I asked, noticing we were still swaying to the beat of Louis Armstrong while a new, more up-tempo song had set in.

"Would you hate me if I said I'd prefer to go outside?" she asked, looking up at me. "I'd love to get some fresh air."

"Anything for you, sweetheart," I breathed, barely suppressing a groan as I disentangled myself from her warm, soft body and offered her my hand instead. "Let's go for a walk. We can get a cab for the rest of the ride home."

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_**Aww. Bella has come so far and Edward is supporting her every step of the way. I had to cut this chapter in half because it was getting looooong which meant that a tiny little present of the tropical variety had to be postponed for a week. Think of it as my early Christmas present to you ;-)**_

_**Sometimes characters have a way of their own. Alice's statement this chapter was a prime example of that. I thought she had said her piece in the last chapter but she thought she needed to explain her point of view better. Please don't hate her for it. Remember: she and Bella aren't as close in this story as they are in the books.**_

_**As always all the clothes discussed in this chapter can be found on the twilighted thread. A link that will take you there is posted on my profile. **_

_**Please let me know what you thought of this chapter……**_


	33. Dark sacred night

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**I'm sorry this chapter is a day late. Blame Edward and Bella. They wouldn't do what I told them to do and I've spend the last couple of days trying to slap some sense into them (unfortunately they are as stubborn as I am, especially Bella who kept on trying to take the blame for everything.) . I still kind of hate this chapter because of it. **_

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**Dark sacred night**

_**March 2010**_

I was still high on the night's events as we made our way out of the heat of the club and into the cool night air of the Manhattan March. I breathed in deeply, focusing on the crispness of the air while trying to ignore the nastier smells that lingered in the air; exhaust fumes and the smell of too many people living in one cramped space.

"Are you sure you're warm enough?" Edward's worried voice asked, breaking me out of my reverie. "We can always hail a cab if it's too chilly for you. I don't want you to get sick."

"No thanks!" I sang, trying to skip lightly along the sidewalk but remembering right on time that high heels plus Bella skipping equaled night spend in hospital. I made a mental note to save the skipping for when I got back home though. This evening was shaping up to be too good not to.

I had done it.

I had spend a night out on the town with my husband without feeling unworthy of being by his side. The sense of victory that made me feel was overwhelming.

Sure, there had been a few tense moments. When Edward had first asked me to dance with him I had completely frozen up. I'd seen it coming, or, at least, I should have…it was a music venue after all and I'd been sitting at the edge of the dance floor all night long. Of course there was a part of me that knew the question was coming. Still, the words brought back memories of not so long ago when all nights that involved dancing or even dressing up ended in disaster.

This night, however, it didn't. It went good – amazing even – and as I was wrapped up in Edward's mind, our bodies moving to the sound of music history, I had the biggest 'well duh' moment I had had in a while, and that was saying something.

There was nothing wrong with us being together. Sure, we may have come from completely different backgrounds but as long as we loved each other, none of the differences between us mattered.

I realized that it hadn't been just me who had made our previous attempts at formal dating a disaster. Sure, my uncertainty and low self-esteem I might have ruined just about every Christmas Ball or other formal party Edward had taken me to for me before we had even set foot in the venue, but most of the disastrous events that followed were simply due to bad luck.

Bad luck and bad people.

And when it came to that, I must have had the worst fucking luck a person could have had in circumstances like these. But I wasn't going to let that happen to me – to us – again. This Christmas I wouldn't go into the that lavishly decorated hall of horrors thinking I didn't belong there or would be looked down upon. I was married to one of the hospital's most talented doctors. I had every right to be there and even if some idiot celebutante would think otherwise, I would at least make sure I'd go down fighting.

"What are you thinking about that has you looking like the classy, sophisticated version of _Xena: warrior princess_?" Edward chuckled. "Really, sometimes I wish I could read your mind, just so that I could know what you were thinking."

"Believe me, you'd be completely freaked out if you did," I warned him.

"So what _were_ you thinking about?"

"Nothing," I replied with a shrug. "Just that I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"And you call that nothing?" he snorted. "I call that something. A big and, might I add, very welcome something." He wrapped his arm around me under the pretense of wanting to see me safely across a rough patch in the sidewalk, but I knew it was really just because he wanted the same thing I did: closeness. "There was a time when I thought that wasn't going to happen." His words were muttered into my hair, so low that I almost didn't hear them. But I did.

"I'm sorry."

"I know, love," He sighed, pulling me closer. "And so am I."

"What for?" I snorted.

"You can't be serious." His chuckle was humorless and he held still, his eyes forcing me to look at him. "You are?"

"I left you, Edward…_I_ hurt _you_. I don't see why you should apologize."

"Bella…." He sighed, his forehead leaning against mine as he inhaled deeply before pulling back again. "You might have been the one who left but I was the one who caused all of this. Had it not been for my past and my inability to see Irina for who she truly was, none of this would ever have happened."

"But…" I started, only to be interrupted by my husband.

"No, Bella," he spoke decisively. "I can't stand around any longer and watch you take all of the blame for this. We both went wrong. We both did some pretty fucked up things and we both caused this mess." His hand squeezed mine and he gave me a small smile before he continued. "And now be both have to find a way to fix this. Accepting blame is only a small part of it, but it is important none the less…..as is asking for forgiveness."

I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly, nodding my head. He was right. We had both made mistakes in the past…mistakes that had almost destroyed us. But that was behind us. We were rebuilding now, and Edward was right. We had to accept and forgive. "Okay…" I finally muttered after what could have been minutes.

We walked in silence for a couple of moments, his arm still wrapped firmly about my shoulders and, as uncomfortable as it made our stroll, I wouldn't want to give up that feeling of warmth and security for anything in the world.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

I snorted. "Of course you can! Just ask away!"

"Something difficult?"

"Oh." As with the dancing I knew it was inevitable. It had been what our dates had centered around lately: getting the road blocks between us out of the way while enjoying fine and probably overpriced food. "Sure?"

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Sure," he clarified. "I mean….I know this night has been huge for you and I cannot tell you enough how proud I am of you that you did this…that you trusted me like this. I don't want to ruin your evening by making you feel uncomfortable again."

"You can ask me anything, Edward," I stated truthfully. "Some of the questions I imagine you may want answered are going to make me uncomfortable, yes, but that shouldn't stop you from asking me. I've said it before: you deserve answers, you deserve the truth. I would never deny you…just like I hope you won't deny me when it is me who will be asking the difficult questions."

"I know that," he answered with a wry smile. "It's what makes it so hard to ask."

"So are you?"

"What"

"Are you going to ask me your question?" I clarified, a little frustrated because we appeared to be running around in circles again.

"If you insist," he sighed, visibly trying to steel himself. "Why did you leave?"

"Oh, wow!" I breathed, completely surprised by his bluntness for a moment, even if I _had_ asked for it.

"I knew it!" he groaned. "Bella, I'm sorry I….."

"No Edward don't!" I interrupted him before he could go off on another one of his self-hate rants. "I _want_ to tell you," I added as a look of relief passed over his face, "but only if you promise me to let me speak first and react only after. I don't think I can make it through this if you interrupt me." As hard as it was for me to open up about those horrible days, a lot depended on Edward's reaction as well… which was something we had to discuss somewhere along the line as well.

"Fair enough," Edward relied with a sigh, his hand nudging mine before his fingers slid between mine, connecting our bodies and giving me strength when God knew I needed it.

"Okay." I took a deep breath myself, trying to find words to describe what could not be explained by logic. "That night……No, wait, I have to go further back." Therapy had forced me to take a few steps back and analyze my actions and come to some sort of understanding of what had happened and – even more important – how it had all happened. "Do you remember the night of the Christmas Ball?"

"Of course I do," he growled. "Between the bitch and the bastard and everything they did that night, I don't think I would ever be able to erase those memories from my brain."

"Well," I started. "What you probably don't know is that House spoke to me that night."

"What!" Edward snarled, his hands clenching and unclenching in first to find an outlet for his anger.

"Edward…."

"Right," he muttered, still shaking with anger. "I forgot. I'm sorry. Please go on."

"When he spoke to me it was like he knew just what to say to play into my insecurities." I stopped Edward before he could speak. I knew what he was going to ask and I wanted to give him the answered he so desperately craved, but I had to do this my way. "I am not going to repeat everything he said. It was vicious, untrue and completely uncalled for and let is suffice to say that be told me I was a burden to you and a hazard to your career."

"That…..Ugh! That asshole!" Edward growled, his anger finding outlet in the abuse of an unsuspecting trashcan that stood on the edge of the sidewalk. "How dare he! How dare he do that to you! To me too! What gives him the right to butt into another man's life just because he so happens to work for him!"

"I know, honey," I sighed, watching him limp for a few steps. Apparently the trash can hadn't let it's abuse go by without fighting back. "But it's all in the past now…Do you want to sit down?" I might have found the way he stumbled around on one leg amusing if I wasn't so worried that he had broken his foot.

"Nah, I'll manage. I don't think I can sit down right now," he growled, still with a slight limp in his step. "I still can't believe he said that to you. I mean….I can believe he would say a thing like that. But to you…..It certainly explains your reaction that night!"

"Yeah, well…between my run in with Irina earlier and basically being told I wasn't good enough for you by your boss I had had enough of it all. I think it was that night that I first started to believe you'd be better off with someone else. I had felt it for a long time but I had always been able to suppress that particular feeling. That night…I was so tired and strung out…" I shook my head, trying to battle my tears even if I knew it was pointless. "I just couldn't fight anymore…"I took a deep breath, remembering his words from earlier and knowing just how right he had been when he said that the blame was shared between us, even if I had a hard time accepting it. "And I felt so scared and alone…"I could see in his eyes that he didn't understand what I was talking about. "You were working all hours at the hospital with…_her_.. and even when you were home you were always either asleep or so prepping for the surgeries you would be involved in the next day…it made me feel as if I'd lost you…or at least part of you. And the most stupid thing of all was that I had driven you towards it…driven you towards _her_ even! I pushed you to go for the fellowship…I made you believe that I was okay with you working side by side with Irina, even when deep down inside it killed me to know that she was out there, close to you…spending more time with you then me."

"I can't believe I let it get that far," Edward growled, wiping the tears that had started rolling down my cheeks away before enveloping me in his arms. "I should never have let it get that far….I should have done something. I should have protected you against her!"

"I should have been honest to you….." I started.

"Yes, you should have," he growled, though I got the feeling he was more angry at himself than at me. "But I shouldn't have let my own hunger for a flashy career in medicine blind me from the obvious; that Irina was a poisonous snake who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted. I _knew_ what she was like. I should have backed out the minute she entered the fray."

We continued our walk in silence for a few minutes before Edward had calmed down enough to ask his next question. "How many times did Irina and you run into each other?" It was another questions that came out of the left field when really it shouldn't. This time, however, I had to think about the answer.

"I don't know really," I mused. "I think there were three or four real head to heads. She happened upon me at the University one afternoon when I was in the mess hall and then at the Ball…I think the only other time was when she came around the house the afternoon before the Opera…." I had told him about that visit already, though he seemed to know more beforehand. I had a feeling one of our neighbors might have given him the heads up about a strange woman snooping around the neighborhood. "She was always around though…." I continued. "There was a moment when I started to think she'd planted some sort of tracking device on my body because where ever I was, she was. I wondered where she found the time to stalk me, really, with all of the things that were going on at the hospital."

"Irina was always one to make an effort whenever there was something she truly fancied," Edward growled. "And I can tell you, it wasn't just a fancy she had taken after that fellowship. From what I know it was more like a matter of life and death."

I sighed. "To think she'd almost destroyed us over a fucking job! There had to have been other ways…more easier and, well humane ways.

"Not everyone has your gentle disposition, love," Edward replied in a solemn voice. "Irina likes to break things. As serious as matters were for her, she enjoyed this."

"I can't understand that." I shook my head. "Nor do I want to."

"I know, angel," he sighed, kissing me on the head. "Now go on."

"Right." I focused back on the explanation I owed Edward. "It went okay for a while after that. Well, apart from or fight at the airport of course."

"Ah, yes…the airport." He let out a humorless chuckle. I can't believe how much of an ass I was that day."

"You were…but if it makes you feel better, I wasn't that much better myself," I smiled. "I was better though, after I'd talked to Esme."

"I knew you did," he replied. "And even if I didn't….I could see you were doing better. I think that was why it came as such a shock to me when…." I could see that he was trying to find the right words to describe the complete mess I had made.

I knew he'd be hard pressed to find a polite and total Edwardian way to put it though. "…I turned into a complete and total nut case?" I finished for him. "Don't deny it, honey. I know what I did!"

"But why did you do it?"

"Because somehow my warped little brain kept telling me that you were better off without me." I sighed. There wasn't an easy way to explain this. "I know it sounds stupid and completely imbecile, but if you keep telling a lie over and over again, in the end you start to believe it."

"And then Irina happened."

"Boy, did she happen!" I snorted. "It was the day from hell. Work was kicking me in the butt left, right and center, I had the kids to take care of and you were hardly ever home…I was so far gone at that moment that I think it would have happened anyway, even without the evil ex from hell showing up. I was…beyond reason at that moment. She just gave me the last push over the edge."

"I felt so powerless that night." His words were almost whispered and the amount of pain behind them was staggering. "I could see you falling apart but there was nothing I could do about it. If anything…I only added to it."

"You chose exactly the wrong words at exactly the wrong time," I explained. "You couldn't have known….."

"You thought I was a man like Pinkerton," he interrupted me.

"Yes."

"And you were Butterfly."

"Yes."

"Well, that explains the….."

"Let's not discuss what happened later that night," I interrupted him. "As far as I may have come…that isn't something I'd like to revisit at this point."

"Of course." Instead he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close, the soothing effect of his warmth and his manly scent calming my anxiety to a tolerable level. "But that still doesn't make me any less of an ass." He silenced me before I could deny his claim. "I am an ass, Bella. Didn't we just talk about this?" He brushed his fingers along my check. "When we got married I promised you to love you and stand by you in good times and in bad, not to bail out on you at the first sign of trouble and bury myself in my work to avoid facing the problems at home."

"But you never wanted…."

"No," he shrugged, "but neither did you, I presume."

We spend some more time in silence before it was he again that broke it. "Why didn't you come to me, Bella?" he asked. "I would have been there for you…helped you bear this burden…."

"And taken all the blame," I interrupted him. "At first I didn't want to burden you. You were so busy at the hospital and I didn't want to add on to your stress by telling you about my crap. Then , of course, as time went on it became harder and harder for me to start opening up."

"I certainly know about that," Edward nodded.

"And your tendency to always take the blame didn't exactly help either," I muttered. I hated saying the words, but I had to. As much as I owed Edward an explanation, I also owed him honesty and complete openness. "It makes it very…difficult for me to open up about my problems."

"I know," he replied. "It makes people feel like I'm not taking their problems serious."

"Doctor Crane?"

"Yep."

"Why do you do it?" I was curious to know. "Why do you always blame yourself?"

"I don't know yet," he replied honestly. "We, Doctor Crane and I, are working on it right now. I'm trying to mend my ways though."

"I know," I smiled. "And I love you for it. I don't think we could have had this discussion a couple of months ago….Or, at least, not with you taking the blame."

"I know," he nodded.

"I'm proud of you, Edward." I had to say it. I had to tell him now before the moment passed. "You've come just as far as I have. You may not have sunken as low as me, but your willingness to change for me – for us – astounds me."

"Thanks," he muttered, "but it's nothing special…at least, not compared to you."

"Thanks," I replied awkwardly before we fell into silence again.

This time it was me who broke the peace, just as we left the bright lights of the theatre district behind us and entered a more quiet part of the city.

"How is therapy going for you?" I was glad to have an opportunity to shift the attention away from me for the time being.

"Fine, I guess." He said, the tone in his voice telling me he wasn't too happy about the shift in our conversation. "But I don't know. It's all new to me so I couldn't really say if I'm doing good."

"But you went before…" It was something that had been nagging me ever since Alice brought it up earlier today.

"Only for a little while." He shifted uncomfortable, and this time it wasn't because he'd bumped his foot.

"Yes, Alice told me about that." She said you quit before you even gave it a shot."

"Alice said that, huh?"

"She did." I hoped I hadn't caused trouble for Alice over this, but still, I wouldn't regret bringing it up. It was something I needed to know, a piece of the puzzle that was my husband that had to be solved. "Why did you quit?"

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

Why did you quit?

It was a question I had seen coming ever since Bella had brought up the topic of my previous experiences in therapy. I took a deep breath, something I had been doing a lot of this evening before jumping in. "It wasn't really working for me back then. It was all just a load of crap…I didn't need a therapist to tell me I was screwed up because my parents died. I knew that already." I kicked at a few pebbles that were lying on the sidewalk. "And I certainly didn't need a shrink to tell me how I was supposed to be behaving myself. I figured that if I just did the complete polar opposite from what the old me would have done in just about any situation I'd be fine."

"Perfect," she muttered.

"What?"

"You." Her explanation came out fierce and I could tell she was a whole lot more certain of herself than I was at the moment. It didn't sting as much as it would have a year ago, though. I loved that she was strong now. As I reveled, she went on. "You thought you were a monster before, so you tried to become a prince. You tried to be perfect."

"I dunno." I shrugged, not really getting where she was going with all this. "I guess you're right…or, at least….I try to be."

"Don't you think that sometimes…you're trying to hard?"

"What?" What the hell was she saying? That I treated her too well? "Please explain, because it sound almost like you want me to start treating you like shit again."

"No," she sighed, "That wasn't how I meant it, and you never did treat me like shit anyway."She gave me a pointed glare, daring me to speak up against her before she continued. "What I meant to say is that you don't have to be perfect all the time. I love the way you've been treating me and I love how driven you are to be good at everything you do, but I'll love you just as much if you allow yourself to mess up sometimes." The lights in her eyes sparkled again as her tone shifted from serious to playful. " Maybe even more…because your perfect ways really make me nervous sometimes."

"I'm making you nervous?" I still wasn't happy with what I was hearing but even had to admit that she had a point. It may not be a point I particularly liked hearing but I guess that was life. I was curious though why I was making her feel uncomfortable….increasingly so.

"In the best possible way," she assured me. "A girl has a lot to live up to if she's being placed on a pedestal all the time. You know I don't care for heights and, knowing my luck, I'd probably fall off the damned thing anyway."

"True." I laughed, even in spite of the fact that I still didn't agree with her.

"And at work too," she continued. "You were so driven to be the best that you allowed it to start ruling your life…making you ignore some of your other responsibilities." She looked at me, her big brown eyes shining into mine with worry. "I'm not saying that you should change who you are or start treating me like crap or anything….I'm just afraid that if you keeping pushing yourself like this, you're going to end up like me in five years time: completely burnt out and delusional."

"You're not delusional." As hard a critic as I was on myself, I knew Bella was made of the same material. I think her own behavior had shocked her more than it had anyone else, including me, and she was fiercely critical of her own inability to stop herself from falling into the abyss her disease had pushed her into. I had to stop her before _she_ turned into _me_.

"I was," she replied firmly, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at her. "And you're avoiding the point I'm trying to make. " She sighed, letting her fingers fan out over my face, the tips stroking the stubble of my five o' clock shadow. "I love you Edward. I made the huge mistake of thinking you'd be better off without me, but I'm not ever making that mistake again. You're stuck with me, no matter what you say or do to me and I'll always love you for the beautiful, wonderful man you are." I tried to turn away from her but she wouldn't let me, her eyes burning into mine with a fierce determination. "You are a wonderful man, Edward. Even if you don't see it yourself. You're as close to perfection to me as I'd ever wish you to be."

"You're biased," I snorted.

"I might be," she smiled. "But that's because I love you so much."

"Not as much as I love you," I chuckled. "And that's why you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened, if not for you, then for me, because it kills me to see you so harsh on yourself."

"But…."

I interrupted her before she could speak. "I know you've made mistakes. I know we both did and I don't care who's mistakes were bigger. All I care about is putting this behind us and moving on. I know we're not entirely there yet, but I don't want you to keep beating yourself up about things that can't be changed because as much as you worry about me taking over your bad habits, I feel the same."

"I'm sorry," she muttered. "I know it's wrong of me to talk about your flaws when I'm as guilty of them as you are, but it's just that I can't forget that look on your face when you knocked on Emmett's door that day. Underneath that determination and fighting spirit you showed when you stood up to my brother you looked so broken and hurt and I hate that I was the one who put that look upon your face."

"It was you who took that look away again too," I reassured her.

"I know," she replied with a sigh. I knew she was still beating herself up over it in her head

It was only then that I noticed how she was struggling to keep up with me and it wasn't because I was walking too fast. It was because her feet must have been killing her. We'd been so wrapped up in our discussion that we'd completely lost track of time and place. We were almost in front of the Museum of Natural History right now and where the two miles or so we had been walking might not have affected me in the least, I knew that that probably couldn't be said for Bella in her high heels.

"God Bella, your feet must be killing you," I gasped, taking her by the hand and all but forcing her into the closest bench I could find. I was lucky enough we had been walking past a patch of greenery or I would have had to make a seat of the hood of someone's car which wasn't the best way to make new friends. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

"You're so not taking the blame for this." She rolled her eyes at me but it was a half hearted attempt. I could see she was in pain. "I did this to myself."

"Why didn't you say something?" I growled, looking at her feet which looked swollen and sore against the delicate straps of her high heeled shoes.

"I know you won't believe me when I say that I didn't notice until right before you pointed it out to me."

She was right. I couldn't believe she could walk around on feet like that for blocks on end and not feel anything. She had to have been feeling uncomfortable for quite a while at least but still she soldiered on without as much as a peep. "I'm not lying, Edward," she replied a little more sternly. "I might have felt a bit uncomfortable at times, but my focus wasn't on my feet. It was with the words we were saying. Believe me," her voice strained as she put her feet back on the ground again, "if I'd have felt like I did now, I wouldn't have kept it to myself!"

"Let me help you take these off, before you cause lasting damage," I growled. I still didn't believe her even if I could see Bella ignoring her body when she thought there were other, more important, things to focus on. She had, after all, developed an almost impossible tolerance for pain over the years because her klutzy behavior had had her hurt more times that I'd like to know.

"No, please," her hands came down to still my movement before I could open the straps that held her shoes in place. "I'm going to have to get home one way or the other and I'm not nearly sore enough to walk barefoot on surfaces dogs might have peed on…or worse."

"We're done walking," I stated, offering her no space for discussion. "We're taking a cab for the rest of the way home."

"And the floor space of a cab would be better and more hygienic because…." She snorted.

She had a point, of course. "Okay," I reluctantly acquiesced, "but at least let me help you."

"I'm afraid I have no other option," she chuckled as I stood up from the bench to hail us a cab.

I was lucky. Being so near the Lincoln Center on a busy weekend night meant that getting a cab didn't proof to be that big a problem. Getting Bella into the cab, however, was another matter entirely.

I could see in how her feet must have been killing her when she stood up from the bench and I was dead set on carrying her to the taxi. She might have won the battle about whether or not the shoes stayed on, I wasn't going to budge on this one.

Bella, of course, had other ideas.

"I can walk," she hissed, her face scrunching up in pain as she set a tentative step forwards.

"Oh, really?' I snarled, letting go for the slightest moment which caused her to fall back against me. "You could have fooled me!"

"Let go, Edward," she whisper-growled, snatching her arms out of my holds and taking a few big steps out towards the car before I could catch up with her and stop her. "I'm not some kind of fairy princes who has to be carried everywhere by one of her minions."

"I know," I hissed back, "but you don't have to be a stubborn ass because you're dead set on proofing a point either! Just let me help you Bella."

"Then help me into the car," she spat, half dragging me the rest of the way to the car.

"Are the two of you done?" the cabdriver complained. "I've got better things to do all day than watch you two get into foreplay."

"Just shut up and drive," Bella growled under her breath. She was lucky the driver didn't catch what she was saying or I was sure we would have had to go on the lookout for another cab.

"West 155th," I announced as I pushed Bella into the back seat before she could say anything else that could force us to find another cab.

"God! My feet are killing me!" Bella groaned, rubbing the surface of her red, swollen left foot. "I don't know how Alice manages to walk in these things all day, because I couldn't. At least, not if I don't want my feet to fall off at the end of the day!"

"I don't think Alice does much walking, love," I chuckled. "She'd take a cab just to get to the other side of the street if she could get away with it. And, by the way, why are you complaining now? I thought you were still in denial about there being anything wrong with your feet."

"That was when you wanted to do the caveman thing and grab me without even asking for permission," she scowled. "I would have had no objections if you'd done the polite thing and asked me first!"

"That kind of takes away from the spontaneity of things, doesn't it?" I stubbornly defended. I knew Bella was right, or well, at least in part. I had acted without asking or even looking to see if she was okay with it. A big mistake when you were dealing with who was as fussy when it came to accepting help as Bella was.

"Ugh! You're impossible!" Bella huffed, growling something under her breath as she focused her attention on the city, completely ignoring me for the rest of the drive home.

"Bella, sweet angel and light of my life?" I asked, making sure to keep my voice as low and husky as I could. I knew she loved it when I did that.

Sure enough, a shiver rippled through her and I could see the war waging within her as she kept her focus on the street. "What?"

"My darling wife, may I have the honor of carrying you inside our house?" I went on, ignoring the sting in her voice.

"If you insist," she pouted, still not giving up the fight.

"Thank you." I was barely able to hide my amusement as I paid the driver. Bella angry was always equal measures cute and scary which probably wasn't what she was aiming for at the moment.

I walked around to her side and opened the door, scooping her up in my arms before she could change her mind about this. She squealed when I lifted her out of the car and closed the door before speeding off towards the door. I wanted to get her upstairs and lying down so that I could take those damn shoes off and assess the damage. Damn my sister and her insistence on heels! I was sure that if Bella had had her way she wouldn't have been in this situation.

"Slow down, Edward," Bella shrieked as I bolted up the stairs. "You're scaring me."

"Your feet are scaring _me_," I growled, slowing my pace as our bed came into sight.

I lay her down gently, making sure she was as comfortable as she could be before going into doctor mode. "May I?" I asked, my fingers hovering over the buckle that fastened her sandals.

"Please," she groaned, gasping in a short breath as I loosened the buckle and peeled the shoe from her feet, the same thing happening when I repeated the process on her other foot.

The actual damage seemed to be relatively small. The straps of her shoes had left red marks all along the pale skin of her feet and they were a bit swollen, but apart from that and the odd blister where the leather had caused friction, but that was about it. Nothing I couldn't fix.

I made quick work retrieving the First Aid kit from the bathroom, cleaning her feet and treating the blisters before running upstairs and grabbing a bottle of a soothing ointment

"God, Edward, that feels so good," she moaned when I started massaging the ointment into the soles of her feet went straight to my cock, not that it needed any stimulation to get hard around Bella.

"That's what I'm here for," I chuckled, trying to focus my mind elsewhere than on the beautiful woman lying on the bed on front of me, moaning my name. "There, all done." I was almost relieved to have completed my task because, as good as it was to be able to touch her again, it was getting harder to reign myself in by the minute.

"Thank you," she whispered, leaning up from the bed.

I all but bolted from the mattress when I caught her intention. Every fiber of my being yelled at me to mimic her movements, lean in and claim the kiss she was so willingly offering but I knew very well that kissing Bella on the bed would only lead to making love to Bella on the bed and as much as I wanted both of those, we weren't exactly ready for the latter.

"Don't go," Bella pouted, kneeling on the edge of the bed. "I'm not ready to have this evening end yet." It was hard to deny her anything when she looked at me the way she did, her big brown eyes silently pleading me to stay.

"Bella," I groaned. "We really should. I've got an early shift tomorrow and I know we're going to do something incredibly stupid if I stay anyway."

"It would only be stupid if we allowed ourselves to get carried away," Bella stated, hopping off the bed and walking over to me, trying to mask the pain her movements caused her to feel.

"Get back on the bed, baby," I urged her.

"Only if you'll join me." The way she stood in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest left me in no doubt of her seriousness.

"I thought we discussed this?" I hissed. "I thought we decided to wait until we were ready?"

"And we're not?" Bella asked, taking another painful step forward, our bodies almost touching now.

"Doctor Moon said….." I wheezed, suppressing a moan as her hand brushed over my cock before tracing upwards to my chest. There would be no stopping her if she realized just how much her movements affected me.

"Doctor Moon said it would be better to hold off on all physical displays of affection until we had sorted out some of our problems," Bella stated calmly, pausing her attack on my gentlemanly resolve not to pounce on her for a moment. "We've been doing so well on that tonight that I think we deserve a reward. Don't you?"

"I…." I stammered, as always completely floored by her logic.

"I'm not saying we go all the way, Edward," Bella offered, her ever present blush deepening. "But I don't think it would be healthy if we kept on suppressing our desires all the time either."

"I don't know Bella," I replied with a sigh, ghosting my finger over the soft skin of her cheek as I brushed a few errand strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't know if I can stop myself if we start this."

"I know you can," Bella replied, the startling trust and honesty in her eyes almost making me a believer myself. "I have faith in your self-control." Her hand felt cool and assuring against mine as she folded her fingers through mine, weaving us together. "We need this. I need this."

"Okay." It wasn't exactly how I had imagined our first step back into the physical aspect of your marriage but maybe Bella was right. Maybe we did need this now. Maybe I should just trust in her faith in me.

"Okay?" Her eyes caught mine and held their gaze, gauging my reaction and dissecting every feeling she discerned in them. In the reflection of my worries in her eyes I saw that she was just as nervous about this as I was, even if she had been brave enough to instigate our intimacy. This was yet another big step for us and we were both well aware of that.

"Okay," I nodded. "I would have preferred to set the tone with candles and soft music instead of with shrink speak but I guess you're right. It will be better if we ease back into this. But we're keeping our clothes, or at least some of them, on at all times."

"Well Edward Cullen, you say the sweetest things," she drawled in a mock southern accent, taking two big steps backwards and craning her finger to motion me to her. "Come to bed, my love."

"Fuck Bella!" I hissed. "You know better than to say things like that!"

"I love watching you squirm!" she chuckled, as I tackled her to the bed, making sure not to touch her feet.

"As do I," I growled, the feeling of her frail body writhing beneath me making me even harder than I already was.

I made sure to keep as much weight on my arms and legs as I could when I traveled up her body, her eyes – hooded by lust and desire – blazing down upon me.

"God, you're so beautiful," I groaned, brushing my nose along the silky smooth expanse of skin that was left bare by her dress. The feeling of her body, wedged underneath me, my hard cock separated from her heat by only a few flimsy layers of clothing, provided a sweet torture. There was nothing I wanted more than to tear each and every layer of fabric from her body and claim her as my own again. The thought of what it would feel like to sink into her almost making me come right there and then.

"Edward," she whispered, her hand fisting in my hair and pulling me up.

"Yes, love?"

"Kiss me," she ordered, her plump lips parting in expectation. It was a command I was only happy to oblige.

Her lips were soft and welcoming against mine and as our tongues sought each other, cautious and shy at first but with that old familiar passion as we gave ourselves over to our feelings, I let out an involuntary groan. It had been too long since I had kissed her like this, since I had felt her soft body pressing against mine, her hands in my hair, her scent luring me in….My hands started to wander before I could do anything to stop them and, as I felt the soft skin against them, I realized that I didn't want to. Being with Bella right now, after everything that happened, was bliss. Bella had been right: we needed this.

We both moaned as I lifted one of her legs and wrapped it around my hip, bringing her even closer than me. "Please," Bella panted against my lips, in a lustful desperation.

"What do you need, love," I growled against her kips, releasing them only long enough to speak. It would be a sin to do otherwise.

"Anything!" she groaned, her body writhing against me. "Please?"

"Lie still," I ordered, rolling off her and bringing her with me so that we were both on our sides, facing each other. "There's something I want to try." She bit her lip, the innocent sexiness in her gesture almost breaking my resolve. "Be good," I warned.

"I promised," she replied in an angelic tone, the end of her statement turning into a gasp as my hand traveled up her legs along the line her garters traced on her thigh, leaving their path only to explore the lacy fabric of her panties.

"God Bella!" I groaned when my fingers made contact with the dampened fabric, pushing it aside to find her wet and ready for me.

"Only for you, Edward," she panted, her head falling back against the pillow as I traced my fingers through her slick folds. "Fuck!" She hissed as my index finger, now slick with her wetness made contact with her clit.

"I want to make you feel good, angel," I purred, knowing how much she liked it when I talked to her. "Do I make you feel good, baby?" I set a slow pace, circling my finger over her clit as I watched her body succumb to lust. It was all I needed right now, to see her eyes rolling into the back of her head as I sped up, her lips parting to gasp for air a low moan escaping from them.

"Yes!" she groaned, one of her hands finding its way to the front of my pants.

"Bella!" I growled as she took hold of me and moved her hand over my erection, mimicking the pace of my fingers. "This isn't about me. This is about" _fuck_. "You."

"Then…God!...humor me," Bella gasped, "Because……I…want….." Her words were interrupted when I replaced my index finger by my thumb, the new position allowing me to slip two fingers into her.

"Fuck, baby, you're so tight!" I groaned as I felt her walls closing around my fingers, welcoming me inside her. I was beyond objecting to what she was doing to me as I felt that familiar tightening in my balls. "I'm not going to last long…"

"So close," Bella panted, the way her heels were digging into the mattress causing a brief moment of concern before my focus was taken up again by the movements of our hands and the look on Bella's face as she neared her release.

She got there just before me, my name uttering from her lips like a chant as she clamped around my fingers, the sensation sending me right over the edge with her calling out her name.

"Wow!" she panted, lying down on her back, her chest heaving with the strain of our little exercise.

"Yeah," I chuckled, grabbing her hand and placing a kiss on it before resting it on my chest. "At least that's one department we never had any problems in!"

"True," she replied, laughing along with me, "I personally challenge Doctor Moon to come up with any defect in that!"

"Keep the doctor out of it!" I growled, playfully whacking Bella over the head with a pillow. "I'd like to think there are at least some things between us that are still private."

"What is it, baby?" she cooed, her hand stirring me back to life again as she traced it over the front of my pants. "Are you feeling a tad uncertain?"

"Ha!" I barked. "You know I have nothing to be uncertain about!"

The only answer I go was an girly giggle as Bella settled back onto the bed, her breathing slowly returning to regular. "Will you sleep here with me?" Bella's voice sounded so tiny as she asked me and I could hear her fear of being denied sounding through loud and clear. "I don't want you to leave…."

"And I don't want to leave," I sighed. "But are you sure?"

"Yes," she whispered, kissing my chest through the thin fabric of my shirt. "I want this."

"Then I'll stay." I kissed the top of her head, my fingers playing with a few strands of hair.

"I'm going into the bathroom to get changed," Bella announced after a while. "There's a pair of your sleep pants in the bottom drawer of the dressier if you want them."

The pants, when I pulled them out of the drawer, smelled like Bella which made me wonder…"Yes, I wore them." I jumped, hearing Bella's voice behind me. She must have caught me right when I was sniffing the garment. "They made me feel….connected to you, even when I wasn't."

"I know what you mean," I nodded. I had my own security blankets, just like her.

"Bathroom's free," she spoke, a hint of nervousness creeping into her tone. "I imagine you might want to clean up after…." She blushed fiercely, remembering our earlier activities.

"Thanks."

I joined her under the covers of our king-size bed after a quick spruce up, relishing in the way her body still fit so perfectly against mine.

"Goodnight, Edward," Bella whispered, placing a kiss on the center of my chest before snuggling into my side.

"Goodnight, love." I kissed her hair before letting myself drift away in the perfect calm having Bella in my arms always caused me to feel.

It was the best night's sleep I had in a long, long time.

* * *

_**Happy holidays everyone!**_

_**A few important steps have been made in this chapter, not in the least them getting back in the saddle again ;-) I hope their talk wasn't too confusing or strange. I rewrote it about a dozen times and I'm still not happy about how it turned out but I can't seem to fix it **_

_**Reviews are like little (or big) Christmas presents. I can't believe we're almost at 2.000 already! Please, keep 'em coming!**_


	34. Judgement day

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Judgement day**

_**March 2010**_

"Edward?" Bella's groggy voice interrupted a particularly nice dream I was having and in which she had the starring role, not to mention the fact that she was very naked…and willing.

"Hmmmm." I patted what I hoped to be her stomach, asking her as friendly as I could to leave me the hell alone. I wasn't ready to have the dream end yet.

If only the annoying bleeping sound would stop…..

"Edward!" Her voice was a bit more insistent now, bordering on frustrated even as she started to push my shoulder. "For God's sake! Don't make me get up and walk over to your side of the bed in the cold because you're too damn lazy to switch off your alarm! It's not like I'm going to be late for work anyway!"

I snickered. Bella was so not a morning person, especially not if she was woken up at stupid o clock in the morning because of my irregular shifts.

Fuck.

Work.

"Why did you have to say that!" I growled, pulling my pillow over my eyes as I tried to kill my alarm clock without getting up from the bed, which proofed to be an absolute disaster since I also knocked the glass of water off the bedside table, causing the clock to land in a newly created lake on the floor.

At least it killed the noise.

"That's better," Bella grumbled. "Now go clean up the mess."

"Why don't you start acting like a proper housewife and do it for me?" I grumbled under my breath as I got up, careful not to slice my foot open on a piece of shattered glass.

"You did not just say that!" Bella huffed as I narrowly evaded the pillow she threw at my head. Apparently she wasn't so sleepy that she hadn't picked up on my mumbling.

"Sorry sweetheart," I offered, rifling through my pile of clothes for something still wearable. Carlisle had taught me early on that the key to a good marriage was knowing when you had to eat your words, a wisdom Emmett, in one of his rare serious moments, confirmed right before I married his sister. "You know I didn't mean it like that."

I thought I heard something along the lines of 'sounded bloody like it' as I quickly made my way into the bathroom to get ready. I tried to be as quiet as I could, hoping that Bella would go back to sleep while I was in there. Not just because I was afraid I would say something to further bring on her ire, but also to give her as much rest as I could. She was, after all, still recovering from a burnout.

It was easy to forget that sometimes, with the extreme progress she had made over the past couple of weeks.

Of course it had been a process with highs and lows. As much as Bella was making progress, there were also times when she was slipping. Times when she still locked herself away from everyone else. Times when she 'forgot' to tell me about something bad that had happened to her during the time I'd been at work because she thought I looked way too tired to deal with her crap. Times when she tried to disguise what she was doing by coming on to me. Most of the times that had something to do with her mother. It was a subject she continued to struggle with both in and out of therapy.

Renee. I wanted to kill that damn bitch for all the damage she had caused to my wife. Bella's was such a naturally sweet and kind soul, one to be nurtured, cherished and protected, not trampled on and molded into something it wasn't. From everything Bella had told me about growing up and her relationship with her mother, spoke an image of a conceited, narrow-minded poisonous snake who sought an outlet for her own disappointment in life by dictating that of her child. It made me sick and more resolved than ever to not let that woman near my children ever again. She might have managed to get her claws into Bella but I would be damned if she ever got to Libby or Masen! One thing I knew for sure: she would never step a single foot into this house for as long as I lived here. I would see to that!

I would protect my loved ones from any harm, even if it meant keeping them away from someone very close to them and even when I knew it would be very hard on Bella to not forgive and forget….I sighed, wishing that which of a mother in law would do us all a favor and just magically disappear or something. We hadn't heard from her in a while now which could only mean that a visit was imminent, especially with a new grandchild being in the works….

It made me feel so powerless, knowing that no matter what I felt or wanted to say to the wicked witch, I would have to let Bella do the talking. Unlike other times, the dread wasn't caused by the fact that Bella and I thought very differently about the involvement of Renee in our lives. Far from it, we were on the same page now, for the first time since…ever, but that didn't make it any easier for her. She knew she had to come clean to her mother about the past and the present. If she ever wanted to free herself of the inhibitions that were keeping her back and discover who she was underneath, she had to do it, even if it meant that her relationship with her mother would probably be non-existent after that. We both knew Renee well enough to know that she wasn't going to accept what Bella had to say to her.

Bella would be hurt – it was inevitable – and all I could do was be there for her to pick up the pieces and reassure her that it was all for the best.

At least, thank God, she still had Esme.

I had to make sure my resolve didn't carry into my actions as I made my way back into the bedroom after my shower and shave, tiptoeing around the room instead as soon as I heard the steady breathing and light snore which told me that Bella had gone back to sleep.

I rifled through the hamper to find a dirty t-shirt of mine so that I could clean up the mess I had made on the floor and started piling the shards of glass into it when Bella's voice stopped me.

"Leave it….." she mumbled and for a moment I thought she was just talking in her sleep again. "I'll pick it up later…."

"Are you sure?" I asked, just so that she wouldn't bite my head off later on. "I don't mind…"

"No……go," she wailed, her hand making a floppy gesture towards the door as she mumbled on. "Be safe…….have fun….love ya!"

"I love you to, my angel," I whispered, stopping for a moment to look at her.

She was so beautiful, a picture of serenity and innocence as her pale porcelain skin and brown, almost black, hair glistened in the slivers of light that crept through the curtains of our room.

Our room.

As sad as the setbacks in her recovery had made me, there had been some pretty damn highs as well, the highest of them being the night after our visit to Birdland. Had I thought before that holding Bella in my arms again and watching her as she came undone at the exploits of my own fingers would be the best thing in the world, finding the door to my bedroom on the second floor locked the following night when I got back from my shift at the hospital was even better. It was Bella letting me in again.

Back into her – our – room and back into her heart.

We had taken it slow after that first night together. We still had some more ground to cover before we were ready for more and, even though I might have successfully reigned in my urge to strip naked and just plow into her that night, there was no telling what I would do the next time something like that happened. And I did not want our first time making love after everything that happened to start on a whim. For that, at least, I wanted candles and fireplaces and all that other romantic stuff.

For now, I was happy to go asleep and wake up with her small frame nestled against mine again. It meant progress, even if it still left part of me aching for more…

It would be soon, though. The timing wasn't quite right yet at the moment but I could feel we were getting there. Or, at least, I bloody well hoped so or my balls were going to fall off one day. The rigorous routine of whacking off every evening before I went to bed and every morning when I got up only did so much to alleviate my yearning for her….My body knew as well as my brain did that it would only get that sweet relief and satisfaction which it craved when it was inside hers again.

The house was still completely quiet as I made my way out the door and over to the car, which wasn't so surprising considering the time of day.

The city was a shrill contrast.

It never slept. Not even at six AM and traffic was hell, but that was just something you'd have to get used to if you wanted to get around town by car in Manhattan. I wouldn't have traded it for the world though. Manhattan was where my life was….

I arrived at the hospital well before rounds which was a prerequisite if you wanted to have a shot at any of the good cases. Though most of the attendings at the hospital didn't go as far as House did, they were still inclined to reward those who showed the greatest dedication to their job. Arriving early and agreeing to work beyond the hours of your shift when called upon were two of the points on which our value to the hospital would be measured as were preparation, skill and knowledge.

"Come to scout out the interesting cases?" Garrett grinned, throwing an apple core into a nearby trashcan as he walked up to the board and stood beside me, both our eyes shifting over the planned procedures for the day.

"Of course," I snickered. "I'm not ashamed of wanting to be ahead of the 'appendicitis' and 'small bowel resection' mass."

"As is only right," a voice behind us sounded. I inwardly cursed myself for my cocky behavior as I turned around to see Doctor Shepherd watch us with a bemused smile. "Good morning gentlemen," he chuckled. "Find anything to your liking?"

"Not that many cardiac cases today, are there chief?" Garrett grumbled. I knew he was worried about lagging behind. Not that he had any reason to. Not when you knew that the reason he had taken on a smaller amount of procedures than I did because he had been involved in helping a little girl fight a terrible disease.

"I wouldn't 'know about that," our boss shrugged. "I might have just gotten a call from downstairs that they got a patient coming in with a massive head trauma…."

We both perked up in spite of ourselves. It was a reaction that was second nature to surgeons, even if it was despicable. The fact that the EMT's were bringing in a patient whose life would probably end today was nothing to be excited about, even if his organs might save a lot of people and the surgeries required for that were amongst the most wanted procedures around.

"Any signs of brain activity?" I interrupted him, my eagerness overtaking all other senses at the moment even if I loathed myself every time I reacted like this. It was the reaction of the cool, almost inhuman surgeon House had trained me to be, not that of a compassionate human being.

"His GCS is four according to the information I've got," Doctor Shepherd explained, "but of course we have to wait until we can run an EEG before we know for sure." He stood in front of us, letting his words sink in for a moment and while waiting who would make the first move.

"So, who's running the Pit?" Garrett asked, seconds before me.

"You are," Doctor Shepherd, chuckled. "You'll be excused from rounds. I'll send your interns down after we're done here. They can present your cases at rounds with Doctor Cullen overseeing them, if you don't mind." Garrett's lobotomized look didn't indicate he had any objection to that. "They can also cover the pit in case we get the go-ahead for the transplant."

"Does that mean…." I could see Garrett had trouble keeping his drool in his mouth as the opportunities this case offered him passed him by. Over the last couple of weeks, since the arrival of our new boss, we had slowly been given more responsibilities in the OR, operating solo even on some occasions. If Garrett could get a fly alone transplant under his belt, it would put him at the head of the pack.

Which wouldn't be so good for me.

"Don't play stupid with me, O'Shea," Shepherd warned. "My social skills might be more developed than those of my predecessor but that doesn't mean I suffer fools gladly." He turned to walk away again, leaving me alone with a beaming Garrett who was one step shy of doing the happy dance. "Oh, and Doctor Cullen?" He turned around, right before he would go out of sight."

"Yes sir?" I asked, trying to keep my jealousy and disappointment at bay.

"I'm sure I can leave you to prep things on the recipient's side of the procedure?"

"Yes sir!" I almost shouted, my face no doubt resembling Garrett's. This, I could definitely live with. This was good. Very good.

"Looks like it's you and me, Cullen,' Garrett grinned as soon as our boss was out of hearing range. "I think the good Doctor is setting us up with a decisive match."

"You may be right," I nodded. "I mean, how often do two doctors who happen to be competing for the same spot get to do basically the same procedure at the same day?"

"That's what I'm thinking."

"Well," I concluded, holding my hand out. "May the best man win."

"Amen!" Garrett boomed, squeezing my hand while patting me on the back, and not so softly, with the other. "Can I ask you a favor, though, before I go?"

"Sure."

"Could you check on Nadia if you have minute to spare?' Garrett's face was suddenly serious. "I promised I'd look in on her somewhere during the morning, but if things go as Shepherd apparently thinks they are going to go I won't have the time. I'd hate to disappoint the girl……"

"Don't worry," I cut him off. "I'll go if I have the time and if I don't I'll send Grey. She loves the girl about as much as you do."

"Impossible," Garrett chuckled, a hint of possessiveness shining through.

"Does Kate know she's been replaced?" I snickered.

"Shut up Cullen, or I'll call the Russian bitch and have her come in for round two!" He ducked just in time to evade the hand flying at his face, chuckling at my outburst as he rose again at a safe distance. "Dear God Cullen!" He boomed, "Did you just try to bitch slap me?"

"Don't. Mention. That. Woman!" I hissed, the memory of that vile bitch enraging me.

"Sorry," Garrett sighed. "That was out of line. Anyhow, as fun as this has been…..I'd better get my ass downstairs to get this show on the road. I'll let you know as soon as I've got more info about the patient."

"Good luck!" I called after him, my mind already making a list of the things I had to set in motion as soon as I got the go-ahead from downstairs.

Rounds were an almost embarrassing affair. Not because the interns messed up or there was something else wrong, but mostly because of the shameless flirting of Doctor Grey, one of _my _interns, with the new chief.

I thought I'd seen her look with a more than friendly eye at the guy before, but it had never caught my attention like it did today. It was something I would have to talk to her about since she was practically eye-fucking one of her superiors. Doctor Shepherd didn't seem to notice for now but if he did, it would reflect badly on her career as well as mine. I was assigned as her supervisor, so if she acted inappropriately while inside the building, I had been lacking in my responsibilities.

I lectured my intern on proper behavior in the medical field while we were walking up towards the pediatric wing. Grey had jumped on the opportunity to join me and I was glad for that since I didn't know how much time I'd have before Garrett would call in with more news about the head trauma-patient. For now, everything that could be done on my side was done. All we had to do now was wait. And what better way to do it than to spend it with a very sick young woman.

Nadia, Garrett's patient, was a seventeen year old girl who had been admitted to the hospital with a rare myxosarcoma, a malignant tumor that had lodged itself in her heart. Doctor Wilson had taken Garrett on board for the treatment and removal of the tumor, which was easier said than done. Since you couldn't just shut off the heart while you were busy, they had to take great care in planning and organizing the procedure as well as trying to reduce the size of the mass as far as possible to make the procedure somewhat less evasive.

I was proud of Garrett for pulling the girl through, even when it seemed like she wasn't going to make it. But then again, Nadia was a very special girl; stubborn and courageous as hell and dead set to attend junior prom in a couple of months time.

I was glad Grey had joined me in my visit because about five minutes after I arrived at Nadia's room, my pager went off and before I knew it I was working my ass off, setting everything up for the transplant. Patients needed to be called in, undergo medical checkups and get prepped and OR's need to be made ready. Since, apart from the heart transplant, there would also be procedures involving the dead man's kidneys, liver and lungs the surgical ward was going to be stretched to its limits to accommodate everyone and still leave some room for urgent cases coming up from the ER.

The procedure itself went good. With Doctor Shepherd overseeing both the removal of the heart and the placing of the organ in the recipients body both Garrett and I were doing a lot of the work ourselves with our boss looking over our shoulder. It was tense and testing but also exhilarating and so rewarding when I saw the heart fill itself with blood and start pumping life into my patient.

This was what I wanted to do.

This was what I was _made_ to do.

"Good work, gentlemen," Doctor Shepherd complimented us when Garrett and I were scrubbing out, both of us dead on our feet and sweaty as fuck but with huge grins on our faces. "Go get yourselves cleaned up and meet me in my office in an hour."

If Doctor Shepherd had stayed long enough to watch his message sink in he would have no doubt been amused by the speed with which our cocky 'I'm-on-top-of-the-world-because-I've-just-transplanted-a-heart' smiles vanished from our faces. We both knew it.

This was judgment day.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"Eww!" Libby's face scrunched up in disgust as she watched me blow the contents of an egg out of the shell through two tiny holes in the top and the bottom.

"I know," I admitted, rolling my eyes at my own stupid plan of making 'real' Easter Egg's this year. At the time it had seemed like a good idea and completely doable because I was home all day anyway, but with Alice and Rose arriving in little over an hour and another dozen or so eggs to blow out before I could start tidying up the house and myself I was beginning to see the madness of my plan. What wasn't helping was that Libby was quite right: it was a disgusting job.

I almost heaved, looking at the bowl of slimy yellowish substance beneath me, which I was planning to turn into omelets for lunch at some point while I placed one empty egg in a basket next to me before grabbing the next.

"I'm going to look if Masen's still asleep," Libby announced, giggling at the faces I made as I went on with my work. "Be careful mommy. You don't want to blow too hard. Allan did that one day in Kindergarten when we were blowing up balloons for Mrs. Kemp's birthday and he fainted."

"I'll keep that in mind, honey," I grumbled, already feeling a bit lightheaded as Libby matched out of the room. It wasn't so strange that this was one of the few chores she hadn't wanted to help me with. Not that I would have let her anyway. Subjecting my daughter to raw eggs wasn't something I was willing to try.

I chuckled as I heard her coo at her little brother who must have woken up while we were in the kitchen. As far as babies went, Masen was about as comely and cooperative as they came. It was strange how those two children, created from the same basic ingredients, were so completely different in character and looks. Libby was a princess, high maintenance at times and stubborn as hell when things didn't go according to plan, while Masen was more like a miniature Zen-master, all hell could break loose around him but he'd just quietly gaze at it with those wise-beyond-their-years eyes of his. Still, the two of them were as thick as thieves.

I yawned deeply as I put the last of the eggs in the basket and set it in the middle of the table amidst all of the stuff Libby and I had bought yesterday to decorate them with. It was beginning to become a tradition, spending Easter at our home with the whole family, as was getting together with the girls the day before to decorate the eggs for the Egg-hunt and make preparations for dinner, though with Esme and Carlisle unable to join us this year I realized I might only have Libby for a kitchen hand.

I didn't want Alice and Rose anywhere near my precious Viking stove. Not with their track record of culinary disasters.

I missed Esme. Even though we talked on the phone almost every day, I missed the soothing influence of her presence, the way she'd smile at you to give you courage and the happiness in Edward eyes when they were reminiscing about his youth in Chicago.

She was everything I had always missed in a mother…and more.

Unfortunately Carlisle hadn't been able to get time off from the hospital even if, as Alice put it, he ran the place and could make up his own schedule. I understood. He'd basically left at a moment's notice when Edward needed him so I could see why he wanted to make up for that now. And Esme, of course, wouldn't leave her husband to celebrate Easter on his own.

"Does Masen need a diaper change?" I asked, stifling another yawn as I walked into the living room, picking up random pieces of clutter along the way.

Libby, of course, had already checked. "I think so," she stated solemnly, leaving me in no doubt of what I'd find inside my sons diaper.

I made quick work of that, changing him upstairs and grabbing a few of his toys to keep him busy with while Libby stripped the living room of all things Barbie. I tried not to look at the bed as I passed our bedroom since the urge to crawl in might get ahead of me, instead focusing on trying to decipher the very undecipherable soliloquy Masen was delivering at the moment.

I had gotten up not so long after Edward left that morning. With his presence gone the bed's attraction had diminished like snow before the sun. I had way too much stuff to do to sleep in anyway.

The fact that there was glass lying on the bedroom floor and a hyperactive eight year old waking up soon in the room across from us only speeded up the process.

I still felt tired from time to time, especially on days like these, when I had a lot on. It was a reminder that, though I felt and looked completely normal again, I was still nowhere near 'cured'. It would take a hell of a lot more rest and therapy before I would be able to go about life without having it kick me in the ass at the end of the day. And even ten….

What scared me the most was that the danger of another burnout would always be lurking in the corner. Doctor Crane had made it very clear to me that if I wanted to stay in good mental health, I would need a complete shift in the way I handled tough situations. This didn't just involve opening up and asking for help when I needed it, I would also have to let go of my urge to proof myself and 'stay behind for extra credit'. Those last two were always the hardest ones for me to deal with because inevitably they would bring up the cause for that behavior which would bring us to my mother.

Every damn step of the way seem to revert back to her in some messed up way. She was like Rome, only way uglier in character.

I knew that the time would come where I had to talk to her but right now I just longed to forget she even existed. I knew it was the coward's way out, but I didn't feel strong enough to face her yet.

My therapist did have some good news for me though. According to him I hadn't had the easiest of starts, what with Jane making my life hell and trying to undermine my authority every step of the way. If I could somehow control my overachieving ways and break the pattern I had found myself in, there was no reason I couldn't go back once the physical traces of my burnout were gone.

Part of me couldn't wait to get back to work. As my progress advanced I had really started to miss it. As much as I loved spending time with Libby and Masen and playing a more active 'mommy' role than I had been before things went wrong, I missed the intellectual challenge my work provided me with. Smart and original as Libby could be in her thoughts and questions, she was no college freshman and I missed delving deep into the worlds of Austen, Bronte and Eliot. So deep I found myself caressing the spines of the books that stood idly on the shelves of the study. If only I wasn't so scared of where it would lead.

"Mommy?" Libby asked as soon as I settled her brother in his playpen after changing his diaper.

"Yes, angel?"

"Can I ask you something?" I turned around, a bit startled by the hesitance in her voice, to see a matching frown.

"Of course, sweetheart," I quickly reassured her, sitting down on the sofa and patting on the spot next to me. It was one of those moments where I wished she was still small enough to pull into my lap. 'You know you can ask me everything."

"Are you and daddy getting a divorce?"

I gasped, my face no doubt registering the shock her question brought on. "Libby….I-I…."

I didn't know why I was so shocked. Libby was a smart girl. There was no doubt in my mind that some of the things that had happened over the last couple of weeks must have struck her as odd and unsettling, but when she never asked me about them, I figured she either accepted our explanation of things or just decided to take things as they came. Now, of course, it turned out she had been worried and neither Edward and I had noticed it.

"Mommy?" Libby was still looking at me, her eyes turning from confused into worried as I just sat there, completely dumbstruck.

Realizing I was hurting her even more by needlessly adding to the tension I quickly recomposed myself, making sure I was calm again before I spoke. "No, sweetheart. Daddy and I aren't getting a divorce. What made you think that?"

"I was playing with Dylan and Tiffany at school and we were talking about stuff and I told them about the drawing I made for daddy's bedroom and then Dylan gave me a very funny look and asked me about why daddy was sleeping in another bedroom," she started her explanation. "And then Tiffany said that her parents had been sleeping in another bedroom too because her mom said that her dad snored very loud but then Tiffany's mom came home one day with her fitness teacher and told Tiffany that she had to call him daddy from now on."

"She did?" I remarked. Of course I had heard all about how Tiffany's mom had run away with the fitness instructor a year ago, leaving Tiffany's dad with nothing but a stack of bills and a crippling amount of alimony he had to pay for a kid he was hardly ever allowed to visit. It had been the talk of the neighborhood while I had been on maternity leave.

"Yes," Libby declared solemnly, her huge brown eyes conveying her horror. "And I like uncle Felix very much but I don't want to call him daddy. I already have a daddy and he doesn't snore and I think daddy and aunt Heidi would be very sad if you and uncle Felix would get married."

"Well, rest assured, sweetheart," I assured her. "I love your daddy very much and I'm sure he loves me too. I'm not running away with uncle Felix or any other man for that matter and daddy and I aren't getting a divorce."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Libby, very sure."

"But what about the bedrooms?" She looked very confused again as she thought out loud. " I know daddy's sleeping in your room again right now but I didn't know…."

I took a deep breath, remembering that honesty was the best policy in matters such as these. Even if I would never tell her the nasty sides of what had really happened. At least, not before she was old enough to understand and put things in perspective. "Remember when we stayed at Uncle Emmett's for a bit?"

"Yes." Libby nodded. "He told me you were very sick and he and Aunt Rose were going to take care of you because daddy had to work."

"He was right…." I started.

"But you didn't look sick," Libby interrupted me. "And I know that daddy didn't have to work all the time like he did before because he told me. We could have stayed at home."

I sighed. Once again her unusual perceptiveness had outsmarted me. "I _was_ sick," I explained, "but it wasn't a normal sickness like you have when you get the flu. Mommy was sick in the head." I knew that if my brother was here he would take back months and months of teasing material from this but it was the only way I could think of to explain what had happened to me to an eight year old, smart or not. "I was very tired all the time and I couldn't think…I had to get out of the house for a little while so that I could rest and get better."

I almost saw the wheels turning in my little girls head as she processed everything I'd just said to her and I noticed the exact moment it happened, that she had accepted my explanation. "But why did daddy sleep in another bedroom when we got back?"

"Because mommy was still a little bit sick and we both thought it was better this way."

"Are you better now?"

"Almost," I nodded, pulling Libby into a hug. "I'm good enough for daddy to move back into the bedroom, at least."

"I'm glad," she muttered into my shoulder, her arms tightening around my shoulders.

"Why didn't you tell me you were worried before?" I asked after a while. "The thing with Dylan and Tiffany must have happened a couple of days ago if daddy was still sleeping in the other bedroom."

"I didn't want to make you sad," Libby replied, her body shaking as she shrugged it off as no big deal.

"Sweetheart, please listen to me," I said, moving her backwards a little so that I could look at her face. "I love that you don't want to upset me, but the next time something like this happens and you're worried or sad or confused…please ask me, even if you think I'm going to be upset. I'd rather have it be me that's upset than knowing you are walking around with something like this on your shoulders. I don't want you to ever worry, honey."

"Okay." She nodded, her eyes shining with sincerity.

"Pinky swear?" I pressed, holding out my pinky to her.

"Pinky swear," she swore, linking her tiny finger to mine.

We settled into a routine of sprucing up the downstairs after that, with Libby running up and down the stairs with arms filled with toys while I did a quick wipe down and vacume and made sure there were enough empty spaces for Alice to decorate, since she was taking care of most of the festive stuff this year while Rose would be buying the drinks and I would do the cooking.

Libby's words were still haunting me. It wasn't just that she was worried about the divorce-thing, though it really bugged me that I hadn't been able to pick up on her worries, it was the fact that she had kept them from me and Edward. She must have been worried for days, weeks even, and kept her worries to herself because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

It sounded familiar.

I sighed to myself as I put a few pre-baked baguettes in the over. Of all the habits she could have picked up, why did it have to be this one?

I was almost done making preparations for lunch when the doorbell rang, announcing the first of the girls had arrived. It was Rose who was balancing a sleeping Charlie on her hip, a small bump on her stomach showing her pregnancy was advancing according to plan.

"Hey Bella!" she took her eyes off her son as she greeted me, a worried frown marring her features as she scrutinized my appearance. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Rose."

"Bella…." She warned, her eyes tightening into slits as she simultaneously scrunched her lips into a slits.

"I know," I chuckled. "But this time I'm serious. I'm okay…a little tired because of all the preparations for tomorrow maybe, but fine. It's just that Libby asked me a questions just now and it kinda floored me."

"What did she ask?" Rose asked as she went into the house and shed her coat without waking Charlie up for even a moment. Man, that woman was a pro at this!

I looked around to see if Libby was still within hearing distance only to remember she was upstairs, finishing some homework assignment or something. "She asked if Edward and I were getting a divorce."

"Ouch!" Rose snorted. "Where did that come from? I thought kids weren't supposed to know about that crap until they went to Junior High?"

"And how many marriage end in divorce nowadays?" I smirked. "I think a lot of the kids at Libby's school know all too well what it's like."

"So what did you say?"

"I explained it to her," I shrugged. "Well, the parts suitable to kid's ears anyway."

"So you didn't tell her about the evil Russian bitch who screwed your husband?"

"Yeah," I snickered. "I figured it would be best if I left that one out." Charlie, momentarily startled awake by the shaking of his mother's frame as she laughed grumbled something without taking his thumb out of his mouth before settling his head against Rose's shoulder again and sleeping on as if nothing had happened.

"Where can I put him?" Rose asked, kissing his curly strawberry blond crown. "Is Masen still asleep?"

"He's in his playpen in the living room so you can choose: study or upstairs," I said. "I think upstairs may be less noisy though."

"Study's fine," Rose chuckled. "I think he's going to wake up for real soon and I want him close so I can hear him. He's gotten into a habit of trying to find out if he can get out of bed on his own."

I shot het a sympathetic look, knowing firsthand how many small disasters that had caused with Libby.

"Yeah," she sighed, brushing a lock of hair out of Charlie's face to reveal a nasty looking purple bruise on his forehead. "I think the people in the pediatric ER are starting to think I suffer from Munchhausen's or something."

"Study it is," I chuckled.

"He's a steady sleeper anyway," Rose smiled as she carried her son into the study and tucked him into Masen's crib. "I'd be surprised if he woke up even if we were having a rave in the next room."

"Just like his dad," I smiled.

"Yeah, unfortunately," Rose sighed with fake disappointment. "He's really starting to morph into a small version of Emmett lately. I swear, I half expect him to start scratching his balls and ask for a cold Bud sometime soon. He's got the belching down, for sure."

"It must be a thing with boys," I grinned, picking Masen up from his playpen. "This one is starting to turn into a carbon copy of his daddy as well." I cooed at Masen as he grinned, revealing the pearly white stubs of teeth that were starting to come through all over his mouth. "Aren't you my little darling?"

"Booo!" he spoke back, trying to get his chubby little hands on the necklace I was wearing. "Wanna!"

"You've got it easy, getting sperminated by mister perfect," Rose snorted. "He'll be eating with knife and fork and calling you 'mother dear' before he's four years old while I'm stuck with two overgrown toddlers!"

The doorbell rang again, putting a stop to our conversation for now while footsteps came thundering down the stairs followed by a high pitched 'I'll get it' meaning Libby must have been done with her homework for today.

"Hi girls," Alice greeted us tentatively, keeping as far away from Rosalie as she could. Things between them were still very strained after Alice's big outburst of a couple of months ago. It made me almost admire Alice for venturing 'behind enemy lines' like she was doing right now. I knew it couldn't have been easy come here.

"Alice." I smiled warmly as I helped her get rid of her coat and gloves, hoping it would reassure her. She settled on the other sofa with Libby sitting next to her, completely taken up by the new schoolbag her aunt had brought along for her.

"Alice." Rose's greeting was slightly colder than mine had been, but still warm enough to make me hope we were going to get through this afternoon without any casualties.

"Rose." Alice nodded. "How have you been? How is your pregnancy going?"

Alice couldn't have chosen a better subject to clear the air with because, as tough as Rose might seem on the outside, she was a softie when it came to kids. All her life she had really wanted to be a mother and now that she was one, she had lost most of her tough exterior. Everyone could see how happy she was and right now, pregnant with her second child, she was simply glowing.

"Not as good as with Charlie," Rose admitted. "I swear, when I was pregnant with him I never had any problems. This one though," She patted her stomach, grimacing slightly, "is kicking my butt left right and center."

"That bad?"

"Yeah, that bad," I nodded. "Did I mention that a few weeks ago she chased Emmett out of the house with a rolled up edition of _Sports Illustrated_ because he had dared to cook bacon in front of her?"

"What?' Rose called out. "He knew I was having problems with morning sickness and still the idiot goes and cooks up the most smelly and nausea-inspiring breakfast known to man. He could have at least had the decency to go to a diner or something!"

"So my brother ended up here," I chuckled. "Looking like he'd been chased by the devil and still dressed in his sweats. Did I mention they had tiny little teddy bears on them?"

"So I'm hormonal," Rose pouted. "Screw me. The next time you're a hormonal train wreck, turn into vomiting Veronica every morning and your face is a mess I'll be sure to make fun of you."

"Okay," Alice snorted. "Moving on to a safer topic……"

"Nah, I'm fine," Rose shrugged. "And so is little Sophie so I'm pretty much counting my blessings."

"Little Sophie?" Libby asked. "Who's little Sophie?"

"Your new cousin, sweetie," Rose smiled, rubbing her belly.

"Eh, Rose?" I interrupted. "How do you know? I may be mistaken but that stomach doesn't look near big enough to be twenty weeks along."

"I just know, okay?" Rose snapped. "Emmett is determined that we're having another boy but I don't know. I just feel different. I _know_ this is going to be a girl." She glared at us, silently daring us to think otherwise before she looked around her. "Now let's get this show on the road. I came here to paint some eggs and eat food and I still haven't seen anything of either."

I waved my hand at the kitchen, indicating that both were ready for her when she was, which was obviously the case, while Alice mouthed 'wishful thinking' at me.

We set to work immediately, painting the first of the eggs in bright colors of blue, purple, green and gold so that they could dry while we were having lunch and be glazed when we were done eating.

Most of the afternoon passed like that; laughing, joking and having fun. It seemed as if nothing had happened over the last few weeks and for that I thanked God. It was so good to have things slowly returning to normal again.

"How are things going between you and Jasper?" I asked as Alice worked her artistic skills on one of the eggs while Rose was taking a bathroom break and Libby was in the living room, playing with her brother since she had already finished decorating all of her eggs and most of mine too. "I never asked you how your date went."

"It went fine."

That was when I knew something was up. Alice would normally never answer a question like that with 'fine'. Most of the time you'd be happy if her answer fit within the hour bracket and even with our present status quo I doubted that would change. "According to you, fine equals boring as shit and not worthy of a second try but that smile on your face tells me otherwise." I barely held in a snort as Alice's normally so pale face darkened to a deep red. "Alice Cullen, what did you do?"

"I did nothing!" she tried in an innocent tone. Didn't work with me though. She might have been a pretty good liar, but not today.

"Uh-huh." I mocked.

"Really." She crossed her arms in front of her chest, her eyes tightened to tiny slits as she glared at me, as she dared me to continue.

Game on, sister! "You know…" I mused. "I could always ask Jasper." I chuckled at the shocked look that passed over her face. "You know as well as I do that he can't lie to me."

"!" She barked in a startling speed. "Happy now?"

"And now for people who don't have Hummingbird hearing…" I snorted. Of course I'd caught the majority of what she was saying but I rather enjoyed watching her squirm a little. Call it payback or just an evil streak but it was nice to see our roles reversed for a change.

"You heard me," she growled.

"Humor me."

"I slept with Jasper."

"Ah, yes," I chuckled. "So I did catch it right the first time. I do wonder though….whatever happened to keeping him at arm's length and having him grovel at your feet before you took him back?"

"You try and keep it up against Jasper and his puppy dog eyes," Alice grumbled. "And groveling is way overrated anyway."

"When did all of this happen?" I asked. "I mean, all I knew is that you went on one date and that was, what, three or four days ago?"

"Sounds about right," Alice mumbled, her voice dropping to almost inaudible levels as her blush deepened even further.

"Alice Cullen! You hussy!" I gasped in fake horror. "You slept with him on your first date?"

"I know," she sighed, hanging her head in shame, "and I thought I would be fine, even when he invited me up for coffee and it turned out that he'd gone and bought hazelnut syrup just for me…." I had to admit Jasper was a smooth worker and boy did he know Alice! Forget diamond and pearls, Alice was perfectly capable to get those on her own. If you wanted to win miss Cullen's heart, there was no better way than to serve her a perfect _Hazelnut Latte_. She let out a small sigh before she continued. "I really, really thought I had it all under control, but that was when he started playing his guitar for me…."

"What are you two muttering on about?" Rose asked as she walked back into the room.

"Alice slept with Jasper," I chuckled.

"Hey!" Alice yelled. "Some privacy please?"

"Don't worry Aunt Alice," Libby tried to comfort her, climbing back into her seat with her brother in her arms. I inwardly cursed myself, wondering how long she had been standing there. I should have been more careful. "I slept with Uncle Jasper too. And mommy did as well."

"I'm sure you did, honey!" Rose snorted as we all failed at suppressing our laughter at Libby's Babylonian confusion of tongues.

"I did!" Libby growled, frustrated by the reaction to her confession. "When we were still living at the old house I used to have sleepovers with Uncle Jasper all the time!"

"You're completely right, angel," I chuckled, kissing her on the head as I took Masen from her and placed her in his seat where he was a bit safer than balancing on Libby's small legs.

"I'll get it," I chuckled as the doorbell rang again. I was still on my feet anyway and I could use a little walk. My body was getting kind of stiff from sitting on my ass painting Easter eggs all afternoon.

I opened the door and gasped as I saw who was waiting on the doorstep. "What are you doing here?"

* * *

_**Dun, dun, dun……Who is at the door? Who will get the fellowship?**_

_**Yes, I really did just leave you with two sorta cliffies. I guess all the 'peace on earth' and festiveness of the holiday season brings out the worst on me….**_

_**Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. I hope everybody has a happy and safe New Year.**_


	35. Take a chance

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Take a chance**

_**April 2010**_

"I'm sorry Gar," I sighed, looking at the completely guttered look on my friends face. "It could have been either of us."

"You're a good guy for saying that, Edward," Garrett sighed as we left our boss's office and walked back into the place where our fates had truly been decided, "but we both know I never had a snowball's chance in hell at landing this thing. As Shepherd said: the fellowship went to the candidate who, out of the two of us, has shown a skill and consistency that shows a great deal of promise for the future."

I caught the harsh undertone in his voice. He was angry and jealous and he had every right to be. He'd fought the battle fairly and had made the leap from a goofy and sometimes sloppy resident to a skilled and dedicated surgeon. It was only logical that it hurt to accept that he'd been beaten.

"I'm sure you'll make it to the top of the mountain in no more time than me," I offered, trying to reassure him. "There are many roads that lead to the same……"

"Ed man, can we not do this right now?" Garrett asked, his mouth pressed into a tight line.

"Okay," I nodded.

"I mean, not that I'm not happy for you and trying to be a good sport about this and all," Garrett went on, looking particularly pained, "but right now I really can't stand looking at those shiny fucking happy lights in your eyes while I think about a backup plan now that the horse I've bet all my damn marbles on came runner up." He walked away after that, his shoulders hunched and his pace brisk as he thundered into the locker room.

I sighed. Even in spite of Garrett's disappointed and the fear of the promise I would have to fulfill when I would start my new job as a cardiothoracic fellow in May, I still felt on top of the world. I couldn't believe that after months of hard work and sacrifice the battle was over. And it had been won!

Three hurrahs for Edward Cullen!

I chuckled as I reached inside my pocket for my phone, wanting to share this good news with Bella immediately, though deep down inside I knew that my taken the offer depended on more than just my own willingness to accept it.

It depended on Bella, our children and my ability to change and learn from the mistakes I'd made in the past. I had to get my priorities straight and see if, at the end of the day, the long term benefits outweighed the sacrifices my family and myself would have to make for another year.

Family first, work later. Much later.

Though the hours I'd have to work during this extra year of surgical training would not be too different to the ones I made during my residency, the only difference being that I could dedicate myself solely to my chosen specialty. However, if you measured those against the hours I would be expected to make as a general surgeon, whether in public or private health care, they seemed almost outrageous.

Doctor Shepherd had given me three days to decide whether or not I would accept and I knew, even in spite of the silent happy dance my mind was doing at the prospect of becoming a member of one of the best cardiothoracic teams in the US, that I would need all those three to make my final decision.

"Edward!" she sounded happy and carefree when she picked up the phone. "To what do I owe this very unexpected pleasure?"

"Be careful who you mock, love," I grinned. "You're speaking to a newly made cardiothoracic fellow! That is…if I accept their offer."

"What? Oh Edward! I'm so happy for you!" she gasped. "When was this decided? And what the hell are you talking about? Of course you're going to take the offer!"

Bella's insistence wasn't surprising. Though she was learning to stand up for herself and her own needs, she still put up with way too much crap from me. "This is a huge decision and not one that can be made lightly and without having a full scope of what it is you're agreeing to. We _are_ going to take about this, Bella," I insisted, cutting her reply off with my answer to some of her other questions. "We got the news minutes ago."

"You deserve it," she assured me. "God! I'm so…."

"Happy?" I interrupted her. "I know, I feel the same. I can't believe it's over. I just wish it wasn't so hard on Garrett though."

"I know," she sighed, "but please don't let that take away from your achievement or happiness. You've both fought a clean battle and in the end they picked you. Don't feel guilty about it."

"I know." Now it was my turn to sigh. "How are things at home."

"Interesting," she chuckled. "You know as well as I do that there's never a dull moment when Libby, Alice and Rose are thrown together!"

"They aren't making you feel too tired, aren't they?" I worried over the amount of work she had taken on. She had insisted that she was going to host Easter dinner just like every other year since we'd been together and was very adamant that she was ready for it. I, however, wasn't so sure.

"I'm a little tired, but not so much so that I need to lie down," she admitted, much to my relief. "Don't worry, Edward. They are all watching me like a bunch of hawks. I'm sure Rose has some plan to strap me to a bed and force me to sleep as soon as she thinks I'm overstraining myself."

"Good."

"Keep it up and you won't get to enjoy one of your presents tonight," she pouted.

"One of my presents?"

"Yes, one," she acknowledged. "I can't stop you from enjoying the other one but the one I have in mind right now….." She let her voice trail off, teasing me, daring me to speak. "It would be a shame, though….I bought it especially for tonight?"

"For tonight?"

"Yes," she giggled. "For the first night I got to share a bed with a real cardiothoracic fellow."

It was a good thing I was in a quiet corridor right now or I would have had some explaining to do, considering the hard evidence of Bella's game of seduction that was currently straining against the front of my pants. "Whatever happened to Doctor Moon's words of caution?" I countered, slipping into the on-call room. As soon as I had registered the fact that I was alone here my body started to take over, my hand wandering down to my dick and stroking it through my pants, my hand picking up speed and pressure as the thought of Bella in some skimpy piece of lingerie took post in my brain.

"Edward? What are you doing?" she giggled, the pearling sounds of laughter and seductive undertone in her voice leaving me in no doubt that she knew exactly what I was doing.

"Just taking care of a little problem you raised, my dear," I grunted, finally giving in to temptation and pulling my cock out of my pants, breathing a sigh of relief the moment my own hand started to stroke the hard flesh. I had to get some relief or I was going to explode.

"Last time I checked there was nothing _little_ or _insignifican_t about that _problem_ of yours," she crooned, her voice making it hard for me to even concentrate on her words. "And in answer to your question…I believe it would be very beneficiary to us to slowly….what was it you said? Oh yes…._ease _our way back into the physical aspect of our behavior……"

"God, you're killing me!" I growled, my actions picking up more momentum as I felt myself rocketing towards the finish line. To any other person her words might have sounded demure and not at all inappropriate but to me they were pure porn.

The fact that I was in a very public place with people surrounding me on just about every side of the little room I was in didn't matter to me as I came hard, barely managing to keep my voice down as the name of my beloved poured from my lips, as well as a strong of profanities.

"Congratulations on winning the fellowship, baby," her husky voice breathed. "I can't wait until you get home and I can take proper care of every _problem_ you might have….What time do you get off work?"

Fuck! I had a hard time not slamming my fist into the wall out of frustration when I heard her question. "Three AM," I grumbled, knowing that that hour of the day pretty much dashed every hope that we would be sliding into third base tonight. "I'm covering half of Benton's shift tonight so that I can have dinner with the family tomorrow."

"That's okay." I could almost hear her shrug through the phone, my imagination running wild with what her full pouty lips must be looking like right now. "Wake me up when you get home."

"But…."

"Wake me, Edward," she insisted, trading silk and sexy for commanding for a moment before she returned in her former voice, "or you'll never find out how happy I _truly_ am that you won the fellowship."

The rest of my shift passed in a blur. With Garrett going home early most of the work was left to me, for which I was glad. I needed work to take my mind off the present that was waiting for me at home or I'd never make it to three AM. I tried phoning my parents to wish them a happy Easter and give them the happy news on a rare moment of calm but al I got was their answering machine which wasn't so odd since it was a Saturday night. They were probably at some function if Carlisle didn't have to work.

I rushed home, as soon as the clock struck three, something Doctor Shepherd had said right before I left his office earlier today mulling in my brain as I tried to keep my mind off Bella and whatever her surprise for me entailed.

I inwardly groaned when I made my way into the house and notice the light in the kitchen was still on. As much as I had resigned to waking Bella up, I didn't want her to wait for me. She had sounded tired when I called her and had even admitted to it. I didn't want to cause her to relapse just because she thought she owed me something.

I needed her strong, _my Bella_.

When I walked into the kitchen, however, I saw a much taller and more statuesque shape where I had expected my wife to be.

"Mom?"

"Edward!" Esme stood up from the chair she had been sitting in and was wrapped around me a moment later.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, before realizing how that might sound. "Not that I'm not happy you're here, of course!"

"Carlisle had shifts planned almost back to back until after Easter," Esme explained. "I would have been there for him, like I have every other holiday, but he surprised me with a plane ticket yesterday, saying he really wanted me to enjoy a family holiday as opposed to a lonely one. So here I am!"

"I'm so glad you're here, mom!" I muttered into her hair. Calling Esme mom, a title she more than deserved, had long ago ceased to hurt as much as it had before, a development therapy had only enhanced. There was no point in locking her and Carlisle out, no point in denying that the love I felt for them was the love a son feels for his parents. No. What I really needed to work on was giving my birth parents a place in my heart separate from them and learning to accept the past.

"And I am glad to be here," Esme chuckled. "This is a very special day, after all."

"Bella told you?" A huge grin broke out on my face as I shared the news face to face with the first person who was genuinely happy for me.

"You didn't think she'd keep that from me, did you?" Esme grinned. "I'm so proud of you, Edward!" I could see a lonely tear glistening in the corner of her eye as she spoke.

"Thanks mom," I muttered, wondering if it would be very unmanly of me if I asked for a hug.

Of course with Esme being Esme she knew already and solved my dilemma by rising from her chair and enveloping me in a hug before I could work up the courage to ask for one. "You've earned it, son. I can't think of another man in this world who's fought harder and sacrifices more for his dreams than you have," she spoke against my shoulder, before continuing in a more playful tone. "Though you might, at times, have taken the sacrifice-part a bit too far."

"Don't remind me!" I growled. "Did you tell dad? I tried to reach him but couldn't get through. I need to talk to him…and to Bella before I accept this. I don't want to screw everything up again like I did before."

"I know." Esme spoke as she untangled herself from my hold ad sat back down in the chair she had just vacated, with me taking a seat next to her. "He's been in and out of surgery all day, that's why I'm still up. I made him promise to call me as soon as he was done."

"And did he?" I wasn't exactly thrilled at the image of my mother sitting in a chilly, almost dark and silent house that wasn't her own, waiting for my dad to call, but on the other hand I knew that if it were Bella she'd do the same. I also knew how great it felt for a surgeon to hear the voice of the woman he loved after a hard day at work.

"Just now," my mother nodded. "He was speechless when I told him about the fellowship. This is like a dream come true for him as well. He's always been so proud of your choice to follow him into the medical field."

"He's been a great example," I chuckled, feeling a bit embarrassed by all the praise she was heaping on me. "A tough one to live up to, though."

"Was that why you didn't want to do your residency in Chicago?"

"Partly," I admitted. "But I also didn't want people to think I got in because of my name…." I sighed, knowing there was another reason as well, one which I might as well fess up to now. "But even if that hadn't been the case….I had to get away from Chicago."

"I know, Edward."

"You do?"

"Come on!" Esme chuckled. "You might not have been very open about it but everyone could see you were suffering. It was too much, wasn't it? Being in the place that held so many memories about your parents when you had suffered yet another loss."

"How did you……" Esme had just perfectly described what I had been feeling, even if I had never spoken the words out loud.

"As I said….I'm not blind and I'm not a simpleton either. You might not be an open book like your wife is, but over the years I've learned to read you none the less. Even if I hadn't…. you wore your heart plainly enough for those who knew you to see the truth."

"I'm sorry about keeping you out of my life for so long," I said with a sigh. One more of the many things therapy had taught me was that your actions always have consequences for the people around you, the people you love. And even though it would not do to just simply take them blame upon yourself and be done with it, the east thing you could do was apologize.

"I know," Esme nodded. "And your apologies are very welcome, even if they are unnecessary." She was silent for a while, playing with an empty glass in front of her. "It looks like things are finally starting to look up again," she went on, "and I am so happy about that. Bella's looking great, by the way."

"I know," I nodded. "She's working so hard…..which is kind of why I want to run something by you, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't," she chuckled. "Do you want a drink while we talk?"

"I'll have what you're having," I nodded as I tried to formulate my plan into something that would make sense.

Esme smiled, grabbing another glass and pouring my drink in it. "You know how whiskey always makes me feel connected to your father…I don't know why. Perhaps because it's his drink of choice. I always have one every night he and I are apart."

"I wish Bella and I could have that….you know, in a couple of years."

"You already have," Esme chuckled. "Or well, at least the foundations of it."

"I wish that were true."

"It is, Edward," Esme insisted, patting my hand. "You two have the makings of a great marriage. All you have to learn now is how to nurture it and built something beautiful on those foundations. I think that by going into therapy you're doing just that. Both of you just have to learn how to trust in what you have and learn to balance dreams against reality."

I mulled over her words for a while, swirling the amber liquid around in my glass before taking a sip. "Well, at least you're right on that last remark."

"I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be to take a leap of faith after what's happened," Esme continued, her voice cautious and measured. "But you can also be too cautious."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually," I chuckled, Esme's words only confirming that I'd made the right decision. "Yesterday, when Shepherd and I talked about the technical aspects of the fellowship, he told me that at least the first couple of months are going to be pretty hands on….meaning that if I planned on taking any kind of leave, I'd better do it before the first of May."

"Was that something you were planning on?"

"Not until then," I chuckled, "but when Shepherd brought it up I started to think about it. A trip abroad, away from everything and everyone, may just be what Bella and I need to take the final step in our reconciliation."

"I think you might be right," my mother nodded.

"I just…I don't know…." I dragged my hand through my hair in frustration as I battled over my next step and whether it made me the best of husbands or the worst of fathers. "It's so rare that we ever get more than a night alone…."

"And you want to have Bella to yourself for a couple of days, without the children," Esme nodded.

Yeah," I admitted. "Does that make me a bad father?"

"Not at all," she chuckled. "Or, at least, not in my book. In fact, I think it's a good idea to have it be just the two of you – if Bella's okay with it, that is. You need the time to bond and learn how to be a couple again without being interrupted by children or family or work. Where do you plan to take her?"

"I don't know yet," I admitted, relieved that Esme didn't think I was the worst kind of monster in the world for wanting to leave the kids behind while I was planning to have as much sex with their mother as I could in the short amount of time we would have. "I was thinking maybe Europe?"

"Let me know when you've decided and when you plan to leave," Esme chuckled, rising up from her chair as she stifled a yawn. "I'd love the chance to spoil my grandchildren for a week or two while you were away."

"Thanks, mom," I sighed. "I won't keep you from your bed any longer."

"Anytime, son," she chuckled, kissing me goodnight. "And I do mean that. Now go! Be with your wife." Her smile turned playful as she glanced up the stairs. "I have a feeling she might be expecting you."

Fortunately for me, the hormonal teenage asshole inside me was stronger and just about rearing to get out because having my mother go to bed, knowing what would go down (or up) one floor below her as she slept worked better than just about any kind of contraceptive I knew about.

_Thank God Bella wasn't here!_

Still, it was with no small amount of trepidation that I ascended the stairs up to the first floor and made my way over to the bedroom, though I didn't exactly know what it was that I was scared of. Bella had seemed so certain of what she was doing over the phone. It was quite evident that she was ready for this and, if I had to go on the fact that my dick was acting like a fucking dowsing rod whenever she was around, so was I.

I was nervous. That was it.

It felt like losing my virginity all over again. I was ready, or at least I felt ready but I was terrified of being a disappointment and – to some extent – of being disappointed. Not in Bella, of course – I swear, the woman could forbid me to ever have sex with her again and I still would love her to bits – but in myself and my own outrageous expectations of how it was supposed to be.

"Stop it Cullen," I hissed at myself. I was over thinking again. Just the thing Doctor Moon had told me not to do.

Doctor Moon….I chuckled to myself as I recalled my hesitance to venture into the realm of couples therapy. Since my only knowledge of that particular field of psychology I was half expecting some annoying woman to start prying into my sex life and have Bella and me placing blame on one another.

It turned out to be the complete opposite…

True, our sessions with Doctor Moon were hard as hell, but that wasn't because the woman was annoying or prying into places she had no business sticking her nose into. It was because of the complete honesty and openness that was expected of both of us.

At all times.

The good thing about it was that I gathered a perfect insight into the psyche of my wife in the weeks leading up to Black Sunday and Bella had the same of me. It gave me an understanding of what it must have been like for her during those disastrous days and what I could do to help her and prevent her from falling apart a second time if something like that should ever occur again.

The bad was that sometimes I knew the truth would hurt Bella immensely. We'd been very good at talking during our dates, but there were always little things I'd kept back because I didn't want to hurt her too much or risk a setback in her recovery. Unfortunately those were the things that Doctor Moon chose to focus upon. When we gave an account of our date nights she always somehow managed to pick up on the little things and start her interrogation, most of the times up to the point where I'd wish she'd develop a sudden perverse interest in our sex life. Because really, I'd much rather discus the length of my dick and how it measured up against those of others than see Bella fall apart beside me.

Not that I had anything against watching Bella fall apart, though, just not in that context. When she did, I preferred it to be under me….and naked.

I chuckled to myself, feeling my body's natural response to the mental image of Bella writhing underneath me in the throes of passion, the hormonal motherfucker taking over from the emo over thinker again.

At least that was one part of our relationship where we didn't have any difficulties according to Doctor Moon. Well, not apart from when we had started using sex as an excuse so we didn't have to talk about the things that really mattered; our feelings.

Those first weeks when we got back together sex hadn't been on my mind as much as it was now. I had thought about it, I mean, I was a man after all, but overall I was just happy to have her back in my home and in my life. As we got closer, though, over the last couple of weeks, taking all of the steps needed for us to be together again it had also gotten harder and harder for me to resist the call of her body. It was as if her whole being sang to me, out voicing all other reason and emotion. I just had to be with her.

And I could.

Before I was ready to join my wife in the bedroom, though, I had to look in on Libby and Masen. It was something I did almost every night when I got back home. As little time as I sometimes got to spend with my kids during the day, I always had to make sure they were safely tucked up in bed before I could even think about getting any sleep myself.

Masen's deep, steady breaths greeted me when I opened the door to his room. Much to our relief he had turned out to be quite a steady sleeper. He never had any problems with nightmares or other stuff you heard all those horror stories about. I chuckled watching him dead asleep with his blankets hugged to his chest and one arm next to his head.

In Libby's room the scene was pretty much alike, though instead of a blanket Libby had that completely decrepit bear her uncle had given her when she was born, clutched tightly to her chest, her hair splayed out all over the pillow underneath her.

I sighed contently watching her chest rise up and down in an even rhythm. She looked so much like Bella when she slept. So perfect. So pure.

Speaking of which….

I dragged myself away from the image of my sleeping offspring and opened the door, still not sure if I had the heart to really wake Bella up after the day she had just so that I could still my own base hunger for her.

"Bella?" I kept my voice low enough so as not to disturb her if she was asleep as I opened the door, the room in front of me pitch black.

"Edward." The low and husky sound of her voice coming out of the darkness was such a turn on for me that I decided there and then to leave the lights off for now.

"You're awake."

"You're not that stealthy, honey," she chuckled, the sound coming from a spot much closer than before, the darkness only adding to the sexual tension in the air. "I heard you as soon as you came into the house."

"Sorry."

"Don't be." She was now standing right in front of me, so close I was sure I'd touch her if I reached for her. "I told you to wake me up, didn't I?"

"True." I reached out, needing to touch her, but all I could feel was the air around us. "Baby?"

"Come on, Edward," she teased, her voice coming from my left. "You didn't think I'd make it that easy?"

"I guess not," I chuckled. "But then again….I am standing next to the light switch. I'd say that puts me in control."

"Do you, now? Interesting." I followed the sound of her voice, amazing myself when five steps in I still hadn't tripped or stumbled over anything. I wondered how Bella was doing it since she had never been known for her balance. "And what, might I ask, would you stand to gain from doing such a thing?"

I let out a frustrated growl when the sound of Bella's sweet voice suddenly came from the other side of the room. How the fuck had she managed to cross the room without me knowing it?

"Now, now, Edward," she scolded, her voice coming closer again. "So impatient…."

"I'd prefer to call it eager," I grumbled, mowing my arms out in front of me as I traveled in her direction. Was the woman wearing night goggles or something? How the hell did she manage to evade me?

"Hmm," she purred as I still frantically followed wherever she lead me.

Which turned out to be the bed. Only, with me not being able to see it until the last moment, I finally did stumble and landed face first on the mattress.

"Right where I want you!" Bella giggled, her hand lightly swatting my ass as I felt the dip in the mattress when she joined me on the bed. "Roll over."

I did as my lady commanded, obediently rolling onto my back, and no sooner I had or I could feel her fingers brushing over the front of my shirt, the sensation heightened by the loss of vision. I could see her form outlined against the darkness as my eyes started to adjust to the light, or lack thereof. It must have been how she had pulled this off.

"Tell me Edward," she purred after playing with the buttons of my shirt for a minute. "What would you have me do."

The switch in her attitude, from dominant to submissive, made me even harder than I had been before and if it wasn't for her apparently uncanny ability to move in the darkness I would have asked her to steer clear of my groin before she poked out an eye. "Uhm…." I was struggling for words, my mind still trying to catch up with the rest of my body. "Kiss me?"

"Kissing is a start…." she hummed, her nimble fingers loosening my tie and using it to pull me towards her. Finding her lips in the darkness proved to be a task, but one I was more than willing to undertake because the reward when I finally found what I was looking for was worth so much more.

_Sweet Bella._

"What else?" she panted when we came up for air, her hands working the buttons on my shirt loose as she straddled my hips.

"Fuck baby!" I groaned when I felt her wet heat brush along my cock, separated only by a few layers of clothing. I hear her chuckle in response, her nails scratching gently along my abs as she went lower and lower her body sliding further down my legs as she went until I felt her leave the bed altogether.

"Tell me what you want, honey." Her voice was pure sex as she continued to tease me, her small form outlined in the faint shimmer of light that broke through the thick curtains. I felt more than saw her lean forwards, her breath ticking against my ear as she leaned in to add something in a throaty whisper. "Don't keep me waiting or I might lose…interest."

"I want you…now!" I growled, loosing what control I had over the hormonal asshole inside me who had been dying to get out for weeks now. I fisted my hand in her hair and pulled her towards me, our limbs tangling as she crashed on top of me. Her surprised yelp was smothered when our lips crashed together as I kissed her, our battle for dominance leaving our lips swollen and both of us out of breath as we parted.

Gone were all my insecurities or worries that we were doing too much too fast. They had gone out of the window as soon as I had heard her voice through the darkness. All I could think about now was the memory of the taste of her skin, the sounds she made when she came, the sweet nectar between her thighs and the feeling of her wrapped around me.

I wanted that and I wanted it right now, or I was going to explode.

It seemed that Bella was as impatient for that to happen as I was because I could feel her fingers working my belt open and pulling it through the loops as we kissed, before zoning in on the remainder of the obstacles that stood between her and the erection that was straining against the fabric of my pants.

"Do you want my hands on you, baby?" she purred, scooting off my lap again as she moved my pants and boxers down my legs before resting her frame in between them. The complete submission of her pose – on her knees in front of me, her palms resting on her thighs and her face eyes downcast, eyes fixed on my cock – in contrast to the way she took the lead once again almost making me feel like a fourteen year old, desperately trying not to explode before the main event.

"U-huh," was all I managed to groan as I felt her hand close around me, stroking languidly from the base of my cock to the tip. It felt better than anything I had ever felt before the sensation of her soft hands against me heightened by the loss of vision.

"Please, baby!" I groaned as her nimble hands worked up and down my cock. "I need to see you!" I was going mad. I had to see her, see what she was doing to me. I had to know she was okay with this and enjoying this as much as I was.

"Just trust me, Edward," she replied, once again knowing my thoughts and fears before they left my mouth.

Blind trust. That was what she was asking. Strangely enough, it had been a subject that had been much discussed in Doctor Moons office, though I doubted the good doctor had this in mind when she kept droning on about it.

Apparently the showing of blind trust – or was it blind lust that drove me to push my needs for a visual aside – gained rewards because as the movements of her hands slowed to a stop I could feel the feel a gush if hot breath fan across my thighs.

Oh holy…….

"Fuck!" I gasped as Bella's hot tongue swirled across my tip, lapping at the fluid that had gathered there.

The vixen beneath me chuckled at the reaction she got out of me her mouth teasing me as she dragged her lips up and down my rigid shaft, teasing without providing any sort of relief. "Do you like it when I put my mouth on you, baby?" she purred, the vibrations of her lips against my cock winding me up tighter than a fucking toy soldier

"Dammit Bella!" I snarled, needing some sort of relief to keep me from whatever it was my body was crashing headlong into.

"Tell me…." She went on, her tongue licking one torturous stroke from the tip all the way to the base, "do you like it when I suck your cock?"

Holy hell! Where had she learned to talk like that? The appearance of strong, confident Bella in the bedroom was so rare that I had never managed to built up any kind of defense against it and the only thing preventing me from making a fool of myself like some twelve year old whacking off for the first time to an image of Pamela Anderson's tits, was the recollection of a bowel resection gone wrong I had once witnessed, much to my horror. "God! Yes!" I managed to let out as I tried to reclaim some of my composure, the words coming as a low growl from deep inside my chest. "I fucking love it when you suck my cock!"

"Good," she purred, shocking me even further by diving straight in without any warning and taking me as deep into her mouth as she could.

I strained to keep myself from doing anything stupid like thrusting upwards and making her gag as I let the sensation of her sweet mouth enveloping me, the back of her throat pushed against the head of my cock, wash over me. "Fuck yes, just like that baby!" I groaned as she set a slow rhythm her tongue swirling over my head each time she reached the tip.

My hand fisted into her hair out of its own accord, guiding her movements as I felt myself getting closer with every stroke she set. "Don't stop!" I snarled

A low hum was all I got in reply and all I needed to let go.

"Bella…Fuck!" I moaned as I felt myself pulsating, streams of hot cum pouring out of me and into her mouth. The fact that I couldn't see a damn thing both frustrating me and making this one of the best experiences of my whole damn life. "Damn!" I felt myself slowly regaining control over my body my eyes scanning the darkness to see where Bella had gone.

I felt the dip in the mattress as she joined me on the bed, the heat of her body warming my skin as she slid onto the bed beside me. I reached for her as soon as I felt her, pulling her towards me, into my arm as I tried to get my breathing under control again. I kissed her slowly and languidly when I did. "I love you," I whispered against her lips.

"And I you." I could almost feel the smile on her lips as she answered.

"Are you okay?" I asked after a few moments silence. "I mean…." She sounded like this had been fine with her, but in the dark there was no knowing what she really felt.

I could feel the bed shift when she moved towards the bedside table. Had I done something wrong? I knew that asking her if she was okay with the fact that she'd just given me the most amazing blowjob of my life wasn't exactly the most romantic thing to do, but it was a logical step to me, considering what had happened in the past. "Perfectly." Her smile was radiant against the soft light of the bedside lamp. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that she hadn't been trying to get the hell away from me but had simply wanted to give me proof of what she was saying. It was only then that I allowed my eyes to rake over her body, from the love shining in her eyes, to the pink fluster in her cheeks and down to the gentle slope of her chest, covered by a silky deep blue night dress with ruffles on the bottom and little white bows, one on either side, where her midriff transcended into the subtle curve of her hips. It hugged her curves perfectly before stopping mid thigh, the color making her skin seem almost translucent in the dim light of our bedroom.

"I take it you like my other present?" she chuckled, blushing a bit deeper as I licked my lips at the sight in front of me. Bella knew what the look of that color against her creamy smooth skin did to me. She knew it all too well.

"I do," I grinned back. "In fact, so much so that I can't wait to get that thing off your body. I'm sure it would look very nice in a heap on the floor."

"Aren't you a charmer!" she snorted as she slid back into the bed, her body molding itself against mine as she snuggled into my side. "But I think we have to take a rain check on that one because you'd look like you'd fall asleep in the act."

"Who needs sleep anyway!" I grumbled, knowing deep down she was right. I felt like such a guy though, falling asleep without even having my woman's needs met.

"You do," Bella chuckled. "Or have you forgotten what day tomorrow is? Believe me….you'll tank me in the morning when the whole family descends upon us."

"But you didn't…."

"It's okay, Edward," she interrupted me. "Sometimes it's better to give than to receive." She pressed a chaste kiss to my lips before settling back against my chest, pulling the covers over us to keep[ us warm. "Anyway….I'm sure you'll repay me later."

"You bet on it!" I sighed, burying my head in her hair and breathing in her scent as I drifted into a deep sleep.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

Waking up in Edward's arms still felt like a treat after having missed that sensation of warmth and safety for so long. And today it felt even better because after last night we had gotten even closer than we had been before.

I still didn't know what it was that made me behave like I had last night. Or at least, I knew what it was but I still didn't know how I'd worked up to courage to actually go through with it.

I guess the writer of that article in an old issue of _Cosmopolitan_ Alice had accidentally 'forgotten' a few days ago when she was visiting was right after all. Taking control in the bedroom really was the best boost your ego could get.

"Hmm," Edward groaned, still deep asleep, as he felt me shift in his arms. His arms tightened their hold on me, almost as if he expected me to sneak away like a thief in the night.

Not again.

I would never do that again.

I pressed a kiss to the warm, naked skin of his shoulder before leaning my head back on it, my eyes closed as I drifted back into that state in between sleeping and waking. It was the best moment of the day, being awake and warm and safe, cocooned in the dazzling scent of the man you loved, knowing you didn't have to go anywhere else just yet. It was moments like these that truly healed me.

But of course they couldn't last forever.

I didn't know how much time passed before the pattering of footsteps announced an impending visit from our daughter and sure enough, no more than five seconds later there was a knock on the door followed by a pale face, framed by a wild array soft chestnut brown curls peeking through a crack her own hands had created.

"Mommy, daddy, are you awake?" I was sure she had initially intended for it to be a whisper but in her excitement to start the day it came out as an almighty roar against the peace and quiet of our bedroom.

"Noooo," Edward groaned, rolling onto his stomach as if to protect himself against any involvement from the outside world, his body almost crushing mine as he shielded me from all possible harm.

"Daddy!" Libby giggled, rolling her eyes at me. "Don't be silly! It's time to get up!"

"Just give him a minute honey," I chuckled, rolling my eyes at Edward's early morning dramatics as he tried to duck his head underneath the pillow. "Why don't you go see if grandma is up yet? We'll be down in a few."

"Okay," she nodded before narrowing her eyes at her father, "but don't let him fall asleep again or he'll never wake up." She gave me a pointed glare lest I not forget her words of warning before closing the door again, the sounds of her footsteps echoing after her as she hopped down the stairs.

"Our daughter's trust in me is heartbreaking," Edward muttered, his voice muffled beneath the pillow.

"And whose fault is that?" I giggled, nudging him softly in the shoulder as I got up to start my day.

"You get your pretty little ass back in the bed!" he growled, his arm reaching out for me but touching only air. "I'm not done with you yet!"

"Hush!" I chuckled. "We don't have time for any of that and you know it! Or would you have Libby running in on us when we are 'having a moment'?"

He groaned, his frame slouching back onto the mattress. "Just go back to sleep, Edward! I'll wake you up when I'm done in the shower."

He mumbled a 'yeah, yeah, whatever' as I got into the bathroom for a quick shower and a general cleanup action before walking back into the room in my underwear to get dressed. "Black lace," Edward moaned, his eyes blazing as they trailed over my body. "Why did it have to be black lace?"

"Don't be such a damn drama queen!" I snorted as I started to fumble my leg into the dressy black slacks I had laid out yesterday evening.

"That's easy for you to say?" he grumbled. "You're not going to walk around with a fucking hard on all day!"

"You really are incorrigible!" I scolded, barely able to keep my face straight. "Who knew that giving you one blowjob would have you running around with nothing but sex on the brain?"

"I'm a man. I always have sex on the brain, honey," he deadpanned, giving me a quick kiss on the lips as he grabbed a clean pair of underwear before he vanished behind the bathroom door.

I shook my head at the closed door, covering my upper body with a beautiful deep purple off-shoulder sweater Esme had brought for me from Chicago a couple of months ago while trying not to think about the hot, naked and – judging by the sounds of it – very wet man behind the closed door.

_Trying_ being the emphasis here…..

I could feel that familiar throbbing between my legs start to pick up as I imagined a drop of water, dripping down from his wet hair and meander down the rise and fall of his muscular chest before sliding down that perfect V into…..

"Focus Bella!" I hissed at my reflection in the mirror, trying to pull my head out of the gutter and back onto the task of hand – the taming of my wild mane of hair – before I would die of combustion. I was really starting to regret all that crap about it being better to give than to receive at that point.

Still, I pondered as I slid a pair of black ballet flats onto my feet, there was nothing quite like the sight of watching your man come apart at the seams right in front of you and knowing that it was you who did that to him.

Even if it had happened in the dark.

"Bella?" I looked up from my feet to find Edward standing in the doorway, a towel wrapped loosely around his hips revealing that perfect V-shape I had just been daydreaming about and which he still miraculously sported, even in spite of the fact that his schedule didn't exactly leave him with much time to spend at the gym. "Good, you're still here. There's something I wanted to discuss with you before we went downstairs."

"Okay." I frowned, wondering what it could be. Had something gone wrong? Had I….

"Something came up yesterday when I was discussing the fellowship with my boss," he started. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing it wasn't something about last night. "He told me that with me being pretty much the new kid on the scene when I start the fellowship – that is, if I take the offer – I wouldn't be able to take any kind of leave for a while. At least not this summer."

I shook my head. I coulnd't believe he was even thinking of passing up on this opportunity. He just looked at me confused, waiting for me to explain why I was laughing at his obvious discomfort. "First off," I started. "What's with all the 'if's'? You're going to take that fellowship and you're not going to let what you think I need keep you from it. You've worked too hard and we've both suffered too much pain for you to pass on this opportunity."

"Bella…."

"Second," I continued sharply, my eyes hopefully letting him know that resistance would be futile, "just spit it out, Edward. I have a feeling there's something more you want to discuss than just the fact that you're planning to take a few weeks off from work and the longer you keep fidgeting, the more frightened I get of what it is you're going to say."

"Right. I-I…" he fumbled with his belt, the visible struggle for words unnerving me. "According to Shepherd I've got about two weeks of leave saved up and he's pushing me to take it before the fellowship starts up…something about administrative nightmares or something. Anyway…I want to spend those weeks with you. Abroad. Alone."

I swallowed, immediately understanding what it was that he was really asking of me. I knew we were ready for it. We had been since last night, or maybe even since _Birdland _and the long walk home following that date. It would be just the two of us, thrown together with no escape and as much as that made my whole body tingle, it still scared me. Also, I could only begin to imagine how hard it would be to spend two whole weeks without Libby and Masen. It was something I had never done before, not even with Libby.

Could I do all of that? Could I trust Edward to make the right decision for us?

"Yes."

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_**And we all know what that means….don't we ;-)**_

_**So, no scary exes or wrath inspiring mothers, just Esme. There will come a time when Bella will confront her mother, but as she said in the last chapter: she's nowhere near ready for that yet and I won't have those two go head to head only for Bella to come out of it defeated again. **_

_**Liked it? Please review!**_


	36. Whole

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**Pictures of the locations I based the farmhouse on and the car Edward rented are on the twilighted thread. A link to them can be found on my profile page. **_

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**Whole**

_**April 2010**_

"Bella, love," Edward whispered, the sound of his velvety voice combined with his musky, masculine scent creating almost a sensory overload as he hovered over me and I shocked back into conscience, my body cold and stiff from having been asleep on the plane for God knew how long. "The pilot has just set in the decent. We'll be landing in a couple of minutes."

"Kay," I yawned, wincing as I stretched my arms out in front of me. It felt like I'd been stuffed inside a washing machine or something which, considering the space – even in first class – wasn't even that far off the mark. "How long have I been out for?"

"I don't know," he chuckled, wrapping his own coat around me. "I've been asleep for most of the flight as well. I only woke up a couple of minutes ago when the captain came on over the intercom."

"Good. You needed your sleep." I leaned forward to allow him to slip the coat around my shoulders, my thumb brushing over the purple marks beneath his eyes. "I can't believe the hours you've been working this week."

"Neither can I." He let out a strained laugh, leaning his forehead against mine for a moment. "But I had to make sure I handed all of my cases over to the new guy properly or I never would have had a moment's rest."

"No, we can't have that," I muttered, lightly brushing my lips over his. "I don't want to share you with anyone for the next two weeks. Especially not the hospital!"

"My, my," Edward crooned, his hand sneaking underneath the jacket he'd draped over me and trailing lazily over the fabric of my sweater, my skin tingling with the contact as his thumb brushed over the butterfly pattern on my top. "Aren't we a bit…possessive?"

"Don't pretend you don't like it!" I chuckled, leaning my head against his shoulder.

"I never said that," he muttered, his hand now dipping underneath my top. "In fact…I rather enjoy it." His mouth was so close to my ear that I could feel his hot breath on my skin, making me wish the pilot would hurry up and land this damn flying prison so that I could get my hands on my husband without the whole world gawking at us.

The fasten seatbelt came on before we could do anything that would have us end up on the _Virgin Atlantic_ blacklist and we both sat back, ready for inspection when the rather militant looking flight attendant marched through the aisle.

I chuckled when she suddenly halted a few seats away from us, her glare landing on some poor schmuck who'd apparently failed to strap himself in properly. She would have made a damn fine teacher since she had that ability to burn a grown man into the ground using only nice words and polite smiles, something I would have killed for when I'd just started out as a teacher and was having trouble establishing my control over my classes.

I stared out of the window, watching as the scenery slowly started to take shape beneath me. Small grey and red dots becoming houses and greenish blurs turning into orchards or pastures as the plane slowly continued its decent.

I still couldn't believe we'd come this far.

Literally.

It had only been five days since Easter morning when Edward suggested we go on this trip and here we were. It had been a crazy five days though, since Edward had been at work virtually non-stop, making sure his cases were handed over to his replacement and every loose end on his residency was wrapped up so that he could start his fellowship in good order when we got back.

Garrett would be dealing with most of Edward's difficult cases, assisted by a bunch of third year residents who would have been taking over from Garrett and Edward when they completed their residencies anyway.

Poor Garrett.

As proud as I was that Edward had won out in the end, I had to feel bad for the guy. To have come so far, with all the drama that lay behind them, and loose at the final hurdle….I knew that must have hurt terribly, especially since it meant he now had to go out and look for another job.

The absence of Edward in our house had given me a lot of time with the kids over the last week, and I had tried to make the most of every minute of it in the hope that it would make me feel a little less guilty about shipping them off to their grandparents' for two weeks so that I could go and have sex with their father.

Still, walking through security at JFK yesterday and watching as they slowly disappeared out of sight had been one of the hardest things I ever had to do, prospect of two weeks of virtual uninterrupted sex or not. Sure, I knew that I could trust my in-laws to take good care of them and spoil them to the point where they'd probably be disappointed to see us come back again, but that didn't change the fact that leaving them for so long went against every maternal instinct I possessed. It was wrong. It felt wrong. Even if I felt like I was the only one making such a big deal out of it….

Libby's excitement had known no bounds when Carlisle, Esme and the kids had dropped us off at the airport yesterday, which wasn't so surprising since out being away meant that she would pretty much be treated like a princess for the next two weeks. Try as they might, neither Carlisle nor Esme had even been capable of refusing her anything she asked for and my little girl knew that only too well. She had been jumping up and down with impatience as we said our goodbyes, not because the thought of being without her mom and dad for two weeks saddened her, but because she couldn't wait to get back to the present her grandparents had brought back from Chicago.

I chuckled as I remembered her uncomfortable look when I clung to her, relishing in one last moment with my baby girl. She really didn't know what the big deal was about. Sweet, sweet girl.

Masen had been a little more thoughtful of my feelings, even if it was only by a margin. He had been asleep in my lap, his head lolling on my shoulder, until it had been time to hand him over to his grandfather. He had woken up briefly when Edward and I kissed him goodbye but even he seemed pretty content to spend the next two weeks away from his mom and dad.

I had felt like a fool, being the only one who'd cried, even if Edward assured me that he wasn't exactly thrilled at leaving our babies behind either. He'd just been too tired to show any kind of emotion.

It wasn't so strange that he had nodded off shortly I had conked out from sheer emotional exhaustion almost the moment we were up in the air. Not only had my husband been working crazy hours at the hospital, he'd also made sure he was home to spend time with me and the kids as well, especially after I'd told him about the conversation I'd had with Libby the day before Easter.

Edward had been as shocked as I was when he'd heard about Libby's fears, our fears even heightened by the fact that we didn't really know what to do about it. How deep did her worries and fears go? How could we go about fixing the trouble we had created for our little girl? Would it be enough just to sit down with her and reassure her or would she need something more?

I had discussed the matter with Doctor Crane the next day, after both Edward and I had drawn a blank as to how to tackle it and he seemed to think that, for now, we would be okay dealing with this ourselves as long as we paid close attention to the little girl and had a good sit down with her to talk about her fears. He also remarked that it might help if we showed our affection in front of her, not in an x-rated way of course, but in a way that would reassure her that her mom and dad really were in love with each other and that she had nothing to fear.

His remarks had made me a bit nervous about our trip. It didn't sit well with me that she'd been waiting so long before she opened up to me. Should we be leaving her alone with all of this going on? What if something happened and she found herself without someone to talk to?

Funny enough it had been Libby who had taken my doubts away. In the talks the tree of us had, and those where it had just been her and me, she had opened up to us about how she had experienced the last couple of months. It turned out she had picked up on more than we had held her capable of, and though she could also see that we were heading back in the right direction, it had left her with a lot of questions that needed answers. I had tried my best to help her out there, encouraging her to be honest and talk to us, even if she thought her questions were silly or would make me sad, and she had willingly obliged.

She'd been with us when we had first announced our plans during the Easter get-together and had been as excited about the trip as Edward and I were. We had involved her in the planning of our trip from the very start and she had taken her task very seriously, spending hours next to me looking at pictures of hotels and cottages and reading up on fun things to do. In the end we'd been worried that she might have been disappointed of we told her our plans were cancelled and that she'd have to spend Spring Break with us in New York instead of with her grandparents.

"Bella, love?" I was shocked to see that while I had been miles away in my own little world the plane had landed and was now taxiing towards the passenger terminal. Edward was looking at me with a bemused smile, having judged my vacant look for what it was. "You know," he mused, "one day you really do have to tell me what it is you're thinking about when you drift off into Bella-world. It must be a very interesting place if it can catch your attention like that!"

"It's nothing much," I chuckled. "Most of the time I think about you or the children or just stuff that happened or needs to be done."

"Nothing much?" Edward gasped with mock horror. "You think about me, the love of your life, and it's _nothing much_? I'm glad to know where I stand with you!"

"Oh shush!" I snorted, rolling my eyes at his blatant display of fake indignation. "You know what I mean!"

"Yeah, well, you have a lot to make up for tonight, missy," he pouted, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at me at the end of his statement.

"Then you'd better hurry up and get us to our temporary home," I chuckled, my laughter deepening as I watched Edward all but jump out of his seat the moment the 'fasten seatbelt' sign went out.

Someone was very impatient to get this holiday started good and proper.

"How are we going to get to Tuscany anyway?" I asked as we exited the moveable passenger bridge. "Do we have to get a connecting flight?" Not that I was an expert in the geography of Italy, but I knew that Rome wasn't that close to the Tuscan village where we were headed and that the airports of Pisa and Florence were much closer.

God bless _Lonely Planet_!

"I figured it would be a good idea if we drove the rest of the way," he said causally as we followed to sign towards baggage claim. "You know…get a feel of the land."

My suspicions that there was more behind Edward's sudden longing to take the scenic route to our final destination were soon confirmed when, we were greeted by a man in an expensive looking tailored suit the minute we stepped into the arrivals hall and followed him to one of the more exclusive looking car rental companies that were scattered around Fiumicino airport. After the paperwork was completed and Edward and the car-man launched into an apparently very secret meeting while I enjoyed the pleasure of my first real Italian espresso my worries about the nature of our transportation during our stay here only heightening when Edward handed the guy our luggage in exchange for a set of car keys.

"Are you sure this is safe?" I frowned, watching as the man disappeared behind a door with our stuff. "I don't want any strangers going through my underwear."

"Don't worry love," Edward chuckled, his appearance taking on a very Gollemy look as he brushed hid fingers over the shiny keys in his hand. "This is every day practice for these guys. I'm sure your panties are safe with them."

The guy came back before I could further question his integrity, the smile on his face matching Edward's as he led us out to a small reception area and out the door to where the cars were parked.

I had to muster every bit of control I had not to roll my eyes when they landed on the shiny and very ostentatious piece of Italian machinery that stood in front of us, the paintjob shimmering in the afternoon sun. "Isn't it a bit early for a midlife crisis?" I snorted as Edward had trouble keeping his drool in his mouth while he stalked around what was going to be our car for the next couple of weeks.

"Don't!" Edward cut me off before I could say anything depreciative about his new little toy. The car-man watching from the distance with a look that left me with no uncertainty about who's side he was on. "We need a car to get around and I would prefer it to be one I will actually enjoy driving."

"But it's red!" I snorted, holding my hand up when he moved to reply. "By all means, enjoy the car. You've more than earned your fun! But don't expect me not to poke fun at you for choosing this one. I mean, even you have to admit that it isn't exactly practical to hire a two-seater with a virtually nonexistent trunk when you've got a lot of luggage to shift!"

"Fine," Edward grumbled, opening the passenger door for me. "It's not the most practical car in the car park but whatever…it's pretty. And I like my solution to the luggage-problem better"

"God, you and Alice really are as like as two peas in a pot sometimes!" I laughed as Edward walked around the enormous hood of the car before sliding into the driver's seat, completely forgetting about everything around him as soon as he revved up the engine.

Edward looked like a child on Christmas morning as we exchanged the car park for the main road, the car purring with excitement when it was asked to show a bit more of its capabilities. My heart was ready to burst out of my chest as I looked at him. He was so beautiful, his eyes shining with enthusiasm and the wind having free reign with his hair.

God, I loved him so much!

Why he had chosen me when he'd had women literally throwing themselves at him left, right and center was still a complete and utter mystery to me, but therapy had taught me not to dwell on the why's of his choice and just celebrate the fact that this godlike gorgeous man had chosen to bestow his love upon me.

I may not have been worth it, but at least I could try to be worthy of him and his love and return it with all my heart.

"Are you enjoying your new toy?" I asked as the drab and interchangeable ugliness of industrial buildings and office colossuses gave way to a landscape so beautiful that it was almost hard to believe it was real.

"You have no idea," he chuckled, not taking his eyes off the road as he spoke. "I've been wanting to try this car out ever since it became available but I figured it would be pointless since it's not exactly a family car and I already have the Aston Martin."

"It's comforting to know that you haven't forgotten about your family!" I giggled.

"Never!" He laughed along with me, his eyes shining into mine for a brief moment before they turned their focus back on the road ahead. "Nor did I forget about what lies ahead." The hand that had been resting on the gear shift had suddenly found its way to my lap. I gasped as it crept its way up my thigh, the sensation of his touch sending a flow of liquid fire through my system. "And neither do you, or so it seems," he joked as his hand found its way to my cloth covered center.

He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple moving up and down in his throat while his hands grabbed the steering wheel a bit too tight, as he felt the heat of my arousal burning through the thin fabric of my yoga pants.

"Watch it, lover boy," I teased, leaning in so that my lips were almost touching his ear. "You don't want to ruin this lovely car, do you?"

"No," he squeaked. "And I'd also prefer to reach our destination in one piece."

"I'll leave you to it, then!" I laughed, mightily pleased with the success of my actions. It wasn't often that I managed to trump the master at his own game. More often it was _he_ who had _me_ thoroughly dazzled so I enjoyed my power while I had it.

We passed some time in comfortable silence after that with Edward keeping his attention on the road while I tried to take in as much of the beauty that was Italy as humanly possible. The country was unbelievable, I could tell that much. It was as if the sun wasn't just a fixed feature up in the sky, but was present in every fiber of its makeup, causing everything to appear softer and in some strange way more joyful.

"Do you like Italy so far?" Edward asked, the sound of his voice startling me out of my reverie.

"I do! Very much. It's so beautiful and…..I don't know….classy," I replied, trying to find the right kind of words to describe the awe I felt as I took in the scenery. "It's so different. Take those tall coney trees for example. They look like nature's answer to the supermodel!"

"They are actually a Mediterranean variety of the cypress," Edward remarked, revving up the engine as he turned onto the freeway.

"Whatever," I chuckled. "They are gorgeous."

"They are very ancient too," Edward went on. "The ancient Greeks knew them as the 'Mournful trees' because they were associated with the gods of the underworld and their associates."

"Really?" I gave the trees another good look. They did look rather mysterious to me, their dark green leaves reaching high up in the air, but they didn't exactly scream 'God of death' to me.

Edward nodded. "People in the funerary march used to carry leaves of the trees with them and plant them by the grave and they still do. You can find these trees at cemeteries all over the Mediterranean, both in Christian and in Islamic areas."

"You missed your calling," I chuckled, "you would have made a damn fine teacher if you gave it a shot!"

"Not likely," he laughed, glowing with pride as the car caught quite a bit of attention while it weaved its way through the busy traffic on the beltway around Rome. "I only know this stuff because Carlisle and Esme kept droning on and on about it every time we went here."

"You've been to Italy before?"

"It's Esme's favorite country," he explained, "which isn't so surprising when you consider that the place has art and culture scattered all over it like rice at a wedding." I nodded. I had never been to Italy before but from what I'd heard about it, there were some amazing historic treasures to be found here. You didn't exactly need a degree in history to have heard about the famous artist of the renaissance era and their slightly whacky and megalomaniac benefactors or the nineteenth century musicians who'd graced this world with some of the finest opera's and music pieces known to man.

"I just wished she wouldn't have tried too hard to cram all of it down our throats though," Edward muttered under his breath.

"That bad?"

"She made us watch every fucking painting in the Uffizi gallery and submitted us to a third degree about the tiniest fucking details you could see with the naked eye!"

"Poor darling!" I snickered.

"I'm serious, Bella!" he cried out. "I don't know if your trusty _Lonely Planet_ mentioned it but the place is fucking huge!" Edward groaned, the car lurching forward as he vented the frustration his memories brought forth by stepping on the gas. "Carlisle only managed to drag us out of there after four hours when Alice started to cry. I'm pretty sure Esme froze him out for at least two days after that though I can't be sure. I was only fourteen years old at the time after all and desperate to get as little information about the state of my parents' sex-life as I could."

"Be glad!" I chuckled, wishing I could have been a fly on the wall in the Uffizi on that occasion. "Your mother actually encouraged you to look at naked women all day! How many fourteen year olds can say that?"

"I guess when you look at it that way, I did have a pretty amazing childhood," Edward chuckled.

"Especially when you compare it to mine," I chuckled, rolling my eyes as the memories of paying UN-peacekeeper to my mom and dad's crappy marriage while Emmett was off somewhere playing with other kids or trying to get to second base with some easy camping floozy.

"Have you spoken to your mother lately?"

His question came as a thunder shock and it was a good thing I wasn't driving the car or we'd probably been wrapped around one of those pretty coney trees at this point. "No. Why?"

"Nothing." Edward shrugged it off as if it were no big deal. "I just figured that with everything that has come up during therapy you might want to call her to talk about it."

"Edward!" I snorted. "I may be trying to get a bit more…assertive, but if you think I'm going to call my mother just so that I can yell at her for making my childhood a living hell and turning me into a certifiable fruitcake then you don't know me at all."

"I know." He laughed along with me for a while before turning serious again. "But would you?"

"What?"

"Tell her the truth if you spoke to her again?"

"I don't know." I frowned. I had thought and spoke a lot about my relationship with my mother in therapy, even up to the point where it wasn't so hard for me to discuss it anymore. Right now I was at the point that, should my mother be in town, I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid her, but truth be told, I still didn't quite feel up to a confrontation with her, though I did feel that it wouldn't be long before I was. "I guess so."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I tore my eyes away from the rolling countryside to look at him, my determination rising when I say the proud look on his face. "I think it's about time I grew up and started being honest to her."

He lifted my hand up from my lap and brought it to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to it before lacing his fingers through mine and resting them on the gearshift. "I'm proud of my, love. Even though I don't agree with you on the growing up part."

"I never expected you to," I chuckled as the foreign road signs told me we'd just left the highway near a place called Valdarno.

Even the names of the town were beautiful over here.

I recognized the Capannelle farmhouse, the place we would be staying at for the first week of our trip, as soon as it came into the view. The beautiful brick building sitting on top of a hill almost like a king on a throne overlooking its subjects, in this case the green ranks of the vineyard.

I felt like a princes in a fairytale as Edward steered the red Alfa Romeo up the hill, the shock absorbers being stretched to their maximum capacity as we turned into the driveway, the building rising up from in between a sea of green foliage as we got nearer.

"It's beautiful!" I gasped as we reached the top of the hill and stopped in front of the door.

"No. _You're_ beautiful." I caught Edward's intense look, the air around us suddenly cackling with sensual tension as we both realized that we'd made it to the finish line.

We were here.

Together.

We had _made_ it.

"Do you want to go inside?" It was Edward who broke the silence, his request meaning so much more than the words entailed.

"More than anything," I breathed. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that we were ready to cross that threshold, both literally and figuratively.

We belonged together.

We moved as if in a dream, my whole body orientating itself around Edwards movements. I was barely conscious of my surroundings as Edward wrapped me up in his arms and carried me through the open door into the building. Flashes of elegant wooden furniture and cozy rooms gliding through my peripheral vision but the only thing that really registered were Edward's green, lust clouded eyes and his lips as they kissed and whispered words of love in my ear.

It seemed like forever until we reached the bedroom, a haven of wood and white and sunlight streaming in through the open terrace doors. But I didn't even notice it.

Clothes were discarded in a fiery frenzy as our lips remained locked, only separating when absolutely necessary. Before long we were both naked and on top of the crisp white sheets of the four poster bed, only a few flimsy pieces of fabric separating us from what would be the final step in our reconciliation. "God, how I've missed this," Edward groaned, his voice a husky whisper against my skin as he kissed his way up along my legs. "Being so close to you…kissing every bit of you I want whenever I want it….It's heaven."

"Me too," I whispered in answer, watching his action through hooded eyes.

I groaned in frustration as he bypassed the place where I needed him most, my need for him throbbing and burning to a point of pain.

"I want you," Edward replied in answer to my unspoken request, our skin sticking together as he wrapped his arms round me, his eyes blazing into mine with an intensity that made me shiver in anticipation of what was to come. "I can't wait any longer. I need to be inside you."

He growled as I bit my lip, a small whimper leaving my mouth as he ripped my bra and panties from my body before struggling to free himself from all unwanted layers of fabric only stopping as he hovered on top of me, his hard length aligned with my wetness. "Are you sure?" I could feel the trouble he had holding back, the spell broken for a moment as he offered me this last escape, the fact that he did solidifying my resolve.

"Absolutely," I whispered, capturing his lips with mine. "I love you."

"My love." He breathed the words against my neck as he entered me with one deep thrust, my whole being jubilating at being connected with him in the most intimate of ways after being separated for so long.

I was finally whole again.

"God, baby, you feel so good!" he gasped, his arms and legs supporting most of his weight as our bodies reconnected, skin to skin, heart to heart. "I'm not going to last long."

"Edward!" I moaned. I was right along there with him, speeding towards my climax as his body created an excruciatingly delightful kind of friction as it rocked against mine. "Don't stop," I gasped, my back arching up from the mattress as I felt my muscles tensing in anticipation of my release.

"Never!" Edward growled, the powerful deep strokes as he pushed into me over and over again making me almost lose my mind. "Say… you'll… never… leave me…again."

"Never….again," I moaned, my fingers digging into the skin of his shoulders as I held onto him. I would have slipped into his skin right now if that had been a possibility. "I'm….yours."

"Mine!" he snarled, thrusting in, his pubic bone hitting my clit on every downward thrust. "Say it!"

"Yours!" I cried, my whole world erupting in starts and shockwaves and tingles and Edward as I reached my summit.

"Bella!" Edward hissed, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he followed me over the edge, his release shooting into me.

His face registered a look of pure bliss as his body crashed down on top of me and I couldn't help but trace my fingers along its perfect surface, my husband humming in delight as he leaned into my touch, his eyes closed and his face completely relaxed for the first time in weeks.

Slowly, as we both came down from our highs, the outside world started to seep in through our bubble; the sounds of cicada's chirping and a car engine revving to life in the distance seeming almost surreal and intrusive in our world of sweat slicked limbs and whispered words of love.

We were content to just remain there, on top of the sheets, the cooling air of the Italian night settling around us as we basked in the afterglow of our lovemaking. No words were spoken, no actions undertaken. They were unnecessary. We both knew exactly how the other was feeling because at that moment it felt like there were no two people.

We had come into this room as two halves but somewhere down the line those had become one.

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

I woke up late that morning to the sound of people taking outside, my whole body protesting as I got up and went in search for my pants.

"Edward," Bella spoke in her sleep, her arm reaching out towards the spot I had just left.

"Sleep, love." I leaned over her, placing a kiss in the center of her naked back. "You need your rest." She mumbled something incoherent before settling back into sleep, her breath evening out as she drifted away from me.

With considerably difficulty I managed to tear my eyes away from her, retrieving my pants from the floor to cover my nakedness as I stepped out onto the patio in search of the noise that had woken me up.

It felt so right, taking Bella here, to the same region where I had spend a lot of time during the happier years of my childhood. I knew Bella would love the history and rich culture of the land and the warm climate, even in spring, would mean that she could explore it wearing as little in the way of clothing as possible, which – I had to admit – was something I had been looking forward to as well.

The sun was already high up in the sky when I walked out onto the terrace, it's rays warming the terracotta tiles underneath my bare feet to a point where it was almost uncomfortable to stand too long in the same place. A loud crash followed by two men speaking agitatedly drew my attention back to the world below and my eyes fell onto two men standing by the side of the road loading some heavy kind of agricultural tool onto a truck. Judging by the expletives that carried all the way up the hill their job wasn't going too smoothly. When I looked further I saw more people scrambling in between the neat pathways that separated one row of vine trees from the other. They were all headed towards the other two and the assembly of dusty cars that surrounded it.

They were probably heading home for lunch.

Fuck! Had we really been sleeping all that time?

I sighed, scratching my head as I tied to come up with plan B since the delay meant that my original plans for today would have to be altered slightly. I had intended to take Bella for a road trip through the area, exploring some of the small villages and ancient archeological sites around, parking somewhere remote and beautiful for a romantic picnic and maybe some outdoor lovin' for dessert, but as it was we would just have to limit ourselves to the grounds and forests surrounding the farmhouse.

Not that I regretted the reason we were up so late for even the slightest moment. My God no! It had been one of the best nights of my life!

Every single time we had made love during our history together had been special but this time….I had never felt so close to her as I had felt last night. There had been nothing standing between us, no unsolved history, no feelings of inadequacy….just us.

Man.

Woman.

Love.

Desire.

We hadn't been able to get enough of one another, one time being grossly insufficient to reestablish the deep bond we had always shared. It was what had had both of us waking the other up several times during the night to make love, each time more intense and passionate than the other. I could feel myself growing hard as I thought about the many ways I had claimed her during the night; frenzied and passionate, slow and meaningful, deep and desperate.

Even now, I craved her. The only thing stopping me being the fact that I knew she needed her sleep if I wanted the same thing to happen again tonight.

I needed her alert and responsive.

And naked too.

"Edward?" I gasped when I saw Bella standing behind me in the doorway, her naked form covered only by a white sheet loosely draped around it. She looked like a goddess, the morning light reflecting against her pale skin and her hair in disarray from our nightly activities. It was a good thing those guys from before had left, or I would have been forced to resort to extreme measures. No one got to see my wife like this. No one but me.

"Did I wake you?"

"No, I don't think so," she spoke, her eyes flashing over our surroundings before she took a tentative step out onto the patio. "I woke up and couldn't find you anywhere….It's nice here."

"Hmm," I hummed, temporarily distracted when the sheet Bella had wrapped around her opened up around mid-thigh when we walked out to me. "How about we go out for a walk today? We could have some brunch out in the vineyard…."

"You didn't just think that up, did you?" she interrupted me, lights dancing in her eyes as she looked at me.

"No," I chuckled. She knew me too well. "I may have done a little planning of my own during my lunch breaks last week."

"I figured you might have," she muttered, leaning her body against mine as she rose to tiptoe in order to kiss me. "Good morning," she whispered against my mouth before brushing her soft lips against mine.

What she did next came as a huge surprise to me, and for a moment I thought my mind was playing tricks on me as I felt the sheet part and envelope both of us, only the feeling of her naked breasts brushing against my chest confirming that this was really happening. "Fuck, Bella!" I growled, trying to keep my hormones at bay. She had to have been sore from last night. I shouldn't be doing this.

"Take me back inside Edward," she whispered in my ear as I exchanged her lips for the soft skin on her neck. "I think we could both do with a shower before we go out."

One shared shower and three orgasms – two for Bella, one for me, but who was keeping count… – later we were finally ready to start our day. I went in search of the picnic basked I had arranged to be delivered for our picnic while Bella finished getting dressed. We had both figured that, if we ever wanted to get out of the bedroom today, it was probably best if we got dressed separately.

"When did they bring that up here?" Bella asked as she came into the kitchen, her hands still busy tying her hair up in a loose bun.

"This morning, I think."

"You think?" She pulled up one eyebrow as she walked over to the table, the sight of her ass outlined against the fabric of the thin summer dress she wore as she stood bend over the basked instantly causing me to react. God she was so delectable and virtually irresistible, even when her body was covered up like it was right now.

"I didn't hear anyone come in," I shrugged, trying to keep myself from ogling her behind all too obviously, "but then again, that's what hotel-staff is trained for." The farmhouse we were staying at was owned by a bog luxury hotel in Florence, where we would be staying for the second week of our trip. They had advertised it as a place providing complete privacy while still having a staff on standby that could cater to just about every wish we might have. And so far, they had delivered.

"Really, Edward?" I met Bella's amused smirk as her eyes slowly trailed down to my crotch, indicating she was well aware of the problem I was currently facing and the reason behind it. "Did you have me all over the place what, like five minutes ago?"

"No, Bella," I corrected her, making sure to keep my voice as low and husky as I could. Over the years I had found that there was precious little I couldn't get Bella to do if I did that. If she wanted to play games then I would match her. Tit for tat. "So far I've only had you in one room of the house." I took her hand and placed it on the dented wood of the dining room table. "I have not had you on here…." Not letting go of her hand I led her into the main living area. "…or in here…." Unable to stand a physical separation any longer I pulled her into my arms, my body only settling back into relaxation as I enveloped her small body. "…or in any of the other rooms in the house." I felt her shiver against me as I whispered into her ear. "And rest assured, I plan on having my way with you on every single flat surface this place has to offer us before this week is over."

"Edward…" she moaned. I couldn't stop the appearance of a smug smile on my face, knowing I had her right where I wanted her.

"But not now, my love," I chuckled, flashing her that half smile with I knew she loved. "Right now, I intend to feed you."

"Not fair," she pouted as I stepped away from her, retrieving the picnic basket from the kitchen before she could do anything to shatter my resolve.

Because _that_ was something _she_ was an expert in.

"Life hardly ever is," I chuckled, offering her my free hand as we stepped out into the light.

We spend our day exploring the countryside, just walking hand in hand while soaking up the sun and the beauty of the land and just being together. This felt so right, so good, yet it had never occurred to me that having uninterrupted alone time with your wife was a vital element of a successful marriage. In fact, I had been quite dumbstruck when Doctor Moon had suggested it. Her explanation had been so logical that I almost felt embarrassed that I didn't think of it myself.

We had skipped a vital part in our relationship, the part where it was just the two of us.

And here was me thinking that including my daughter in every step of our relationship was a good thing. Apparently you never really could do the right thing. Not that I was sorry about taking Libby along for our honeymoon though, not of any minute I had spend with my little girl.

Even if I quite enjoyed having my wife to myself for a couple of days.

The sight of Bella, splayed out on the picnic blanket after we'd eaten lunch was enough to keep me awake even though my whole boy was screaming at me to join Bella for a little nap. She looked so peaceful, so serene, so beautiful. I could have watched her for hours, mesmerized by the patterns the sun, sometimes peeking through the thick leaves of the vine trees, made on her porcelain skin or the wind making a few errant strays of hair dance around her shoulders. It felt almost like we were Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, though in our case said garden was made up of wine ranks and we had just devoured a lunch prepped by a star cook so the possibility of either one of us having room for an apple was slim.

A small sigh escaped her lips, one of her hands brushing an errant stray of hair out of her face as she slowly awoke. "Good morning love," I chuckled as I watched her slowly come back to life, her face the epitome of confusion as she looked around her.

"What time is it?" Her voice sounded groggy as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

"Almost seven so we'd better head back home. Dinner will be served in an hour or so." I helped her up before erasing the traces of our afternoon from the scene.

"Ugh! I feel all sticky and yucky," she groaned as she stretched, the feather light fabric of her sundress stretching around her breasts as she pulled her shoulders back. I swallowed hard, reminding myself that, though this wasn't exactly a public place, there were people around which meant that, as much as I might have wanted to take her against a tree or on the grass beneath our feet and found into her over and over again until she begged for mercy, there was a big possibilities that we'd be interrupted.

Bella didn't seem to notice my ordeal as she helped me fold the picnic blanket before sticking it back into the basket. "You must have been bored as hell," she apologized.

"Far from it," I chuckled as we started our walk back to the farmhouse. "You know how much I like to watch you when you sleep."

"Creepy much?" she giggled, sprinting on ahead, her long light blue dress making her look even more like an angel as it flowed behind her while she ran.

In our absence the maintenance staff had come in to clean the house and make preparations for the dinner according to my specifications, the smells of flavorsome Italian dishes pouring out from the kitchen as we entered through the patio doors. "Do you think it would be okay if had a shower before we eat?" Bella asked, her nose scrunching up in disgust as she sniffed her armpits.

"It's our holiday, love," I chuckled. "They do what _we_ want, or at least I hope so. I'm paying them more than enough for it."

"Right," Bella snorted, her cheeks pinking up with embarrassment. "I kind of forgot about that."

"And that's what makes you so adorable." I wrapped my arms around her, unable to resist kissing her any longer. Her lips tasted just as sweet as I remembered them and it was only out of necessity that I let them go, cursing my body's need for air.

"Even though you smell," I teased. It was strange, but ever since we got back together the dynamics in our relationship seems to have shifted. We were both so much freer with each other and that had translated in both of us going back and forward in teasing the other.

"You rotten bastard!" Bella scowled, trying to punch me in the shoulder but I was quicker and managed to dodge her fist before it made contact. Not that it would have done much harm. "And you don't exactly smell like daisies yourself either!"

"What are you saying, mrs. Cullen?" I purred, stalking her backwards in the direction of the bedroom. "Are you inviting me to join you in the shower?"

"What? No! Edward!" she looked halfway between amused and aroused which was kind of a sexy look on her. "There's all those people in the kitchen! What if they hear?"

"What of it?" I shrugged. "They'll know that the man who rented this place to spend a romantic holiday with his wife is doing everything in his power to make sure she…enjoys herself."

The intensely flustered look on Bella's face made me want her even more, my dick straining against the fabric of my pants at all possible scenario's of what I wanted to do to her floated through my mind.

She called my bluff though, proving once again how much more confident and daring she was around me this time around. "Well, mister Cullen," she purred, walking up to me, her finger dancing over my erection before tracing a trail upwards and tipping my chin up so that I was forced to look at her. "If that is the case….then I'd better take you up on your offer."

She took no prisoners, letting me know beyond a shadow of a doubt who was boss, when she grabbed the hem of her dress and lifted it up, revealing her naked body to me.

Fuck! Had I known she had decided to forgo underwear today, I would have made good use of it!

I was all too happy to oblige to my wife's request after rushing to the kitchen to let the cooking staff know that we wouldn't be in need of any food for another half hour or so before rushing back to the bathroom, discarding my smelly clothes along the way. The intensity of our movements, as I made love to my wife in the shower, heightened by the fact that there was a complete kitchen staff preparing our dinner only a couple of feet away from where I had her pressed against the cool tiles of the shower wall. The noise of the water cascading down and my mouth on hopefully stifling our actions so not to make them too obvious, even if Bella's blush when we walked out onto the patio was pretty self-explanatory.

Dinner was lovely. The smooth, elegant flavors of Italian cuisine, combined with a stellar view and the company of my very own angel being everything I could wish for. However, as we neared the conclusion of our meal, I could find myself growing more and more nervous, knowing what I had planned as soon as the waiter, who had come on loan from the hotel, was out of sight.

I scrapped my throat, feeling as nervous as I was the first time I had done this. "Bella?" I asked as I watched her hands play with the long stem of her desert spoon. She looked up, the spoon dropping from her slender fingers as she gave me her attention. "There's something…." I stumbled over my words, wanting to do this right.

"Yes?" She met me halfway, her doe-like eyes encouraging me to say what was on my mind.

"I think that since last night no-one is going to deny that we have left our previous troubles behind us…" She smiled, reaching her hand out towards mine and lacing our fingers together as she nodded, urging me to continue. "But I do think that there's still something missing." Her confusion turned into understanding only when I picked her hand up and placed a kiss on her ring finger, my other hand reaching into the pocket of my pants and grabbing the small piece of jewelry that had been burning a hole in it all through our dinner. "I figure you might want this back?"

"Oh Edward!" Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at the simple golden wedding band.

I took a deep breath my voice unsteady with the barrage of emotions I felt as I rose out of my chair, my hand never letting go of hers as I knelt before her. "Isabella Marie Swan, will you accept this ring as a token of my undying love and dedication to you?"

"Yes." The words were whispered but the feeling behind them was so overwhelming it could not have meant more to me even if she would have shouted her answer from a rooftop.

"Come here." She was in my arms the next moment, her body molding itself against mine as she sat on my leg. "I love you," I spoke against her hair, feeling a trickle of moisture glide down my neck.

"I'm so happy, Edward," her voice sounded unsteady, more tears making their way down to the collar of my button up. "You've made me so happy….I love you so much."

We sat there for I don't know how long, eventually moving to one of the more comfortable lounge chairs near the pool where we watched as the sun set over the rolling Tuscan landscape. No words were spoken. They were unnecessary when everything that needed to be said could be communicated in kisses, caresses and just being close together, her arms and legs tangled with mine.

"Tell me something…." She said after what could have been hours. "Something I don't know about you."

"Anything," I replied. "What do you want to know?"

"Tell me…." She seemed hesitant, that nervous trait of biting her lip resurfacing again before a look of determination chased it away. "Tell me about your childhood."

"I knew what it was that she was asking for. It was a subject we rarely ever discussed since it was so hard for me to speak about the

Yet, right now, I found that I could speak, openly and without any kind of guilt. I even felt…comfortable as I sifted around, placing my head in Bella's lap while I revisited my younger years.

And so I talked.

I spoke about what it had been like for me to hear what happened to my real parents, my whole world tumbling upside down and guilt becoming a permanent feature in it.

I spoke about how I still loved Carlisle and Esme even when I wouldn't allow myself to do so.

I spoke about the added guilt of knowing my distance and obvious discomfort were hurting the woman who had always been a mother to me.

And I spoke about Carlisle and my desire to become like him. Which brought my mind to work, my mood immediately shifting the moment I thought about what would await me when we returned to New York.

"What is it?" She kept on stroking my hair, even though her voice sounded a bit worried. I should have known she'd pick up on my absence of mind.

"I don't know," I shrugged, trying to play it off before realizing that just wasn't an option anymore. "I guess I'm a bit…scared." Saying the words didn't make me feel as much like a pussy as I had expected it to. In fact, it felt good to know I could share everything with my wife.

"Of what?" Her voice didn't sound reproachful or mocking. Instead she merely gave me a moment to gather my thoughts.

I kissed her hands, the one that wasn't stroking my hair, silently thanking her for her never-ending support before I spoke. "I just….part of me is wondering whether the fellowship is going to be a good thing for us after all. I know it's going to work wonders for my career but what kind of effect will it have on you and the kids? And how will I be able to balance everything out?" I breathed out, my grip on Bella's body tightening. "What if…..what if everything goes wrong again? I know you seem to be pretty sure it won't, but you never know, can you?"

"Oh, Edward," Bella sighed, the decisive tone in her voice as she continued coming almost as a shock to me. She chuckled, leaning down for a quick kiss before she continued. "Do you want to know why I know that?"

"Please…"

"Because we're not the same people who we were six months ago." It made sense when she said it, even if it wasn't enough to erase the nagging feeling from my system though. "We were so naïve, thinking it was all going to turn out right. So fucking stupid…..We learned a hard lesson and I, for one, will always keep the memory of Black Sunday with me to remind myself of what happens when you deny your problems. I won't let it happen again."

I knew she was telling the truth. Bella was changed woman. I saw it in the big things – the way she called me out on my behavior when she thought I was spending too much time at work, the way she had been teasing me non-stop ever since our plane had taken off from JFK, the self-confident attitude in the bedroom – but also in the small. She carried herself with more confidence now, no longer shying away from attention when her being the center of it could not be avoided and – what was even more important to me – she reached out to the world around her much more often, where she would have waited for it to come to her before. She was finally growing into her potential, finally seeing what I had seen the moment I had set eyes on her: a strong, beautiful woman who could have the world at her fingertips.

"I do believe you're right," I muttered after giving the matter some thought.

"Don't sound so surprised!" she snickered, playfully punching me in the shoulder. "I have been known to be a very smart woman, you know!"

"Oh, I do," I chuckled. "And a very sexy one too!" I buried my face in her lap, inhaling the sweet scent of pure, unadulterated Bella. I was hard again the moment her scent hit my pallet, an effect that wasn't lost on my wife.

"Really?" she asked, her eyes slowly clouding over with lust as she gazed at me. "You have the stamina to go again after our little encounter in the bathroom?"

"You have no idea…." I chuckled, making her squeal as I got up from the chair and threw her light body over my shoulder, fireman-style, before hurrying back inside.

We had a dining room table to christen.

* * *

_**Next time: Edward and Bella actually try to leave the house. Will they succeed? Do we even want them to?**_

_**Love? Hate? Let me know. Please review.**_


	37. Family

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Family**

_**April 2010**_

_Grazie, arriverdeci_," I concluded, before hanging up the phone. I smiled to myself, knowing that everything was in place to give my wife the surprise of her life tomorrow. I couldn't wait to see her face when she found out what Libby, my mom and myself had planned for her, though I knew that getting through the next twenty or so hours without spilling the beans was going to be challenging….to say the least.

_Challenging, but not impossible._ A small smile crept onto my lips as I thought that – to make this easier on myself – I would have to find a way to keep her thoroughly distracted for most of that time. _If only I could think of something…. _

I sunk down on the living room sofa as I listened to the distant sound of the shower running. It was the only sound – apart from a bird singing in a nearby tree – that could be heard and it was driving me crazy.

_Bella, naked in the shower, just a few feet away._ The thought alone was enough to make my blood flow from my brain to a place a bit more down south – again – making me think that with the many times that had happened over the last couple of days I was in risk of ending up with brain damage one of these days. _It was worth it though, so fucking worth it._

My smile turned into a chuckle as I recalled what the last couple of days had been like, and how I had managed to fulfill my promise to Bella. I had had her on just about every flat surface, and even some of the vertical ones, in this cottage. All, except for the one I was on right now.

"It seems like such a shame that we have to leave this place tomorrow," Bella sighed as she came out of the bedroom, the only thing covering her body being the towel she had draped around her head like a turban. "I'm going to miss the privacy."

My cock reacted instantly to the sight in front of me, twitching towards her like a dowsing rod to a well. "So will I, love." My voice sounded a little more strained than I would have liked - giving away a little too much of the thoughts that occupied my brain – as my eyes hungrily drank in the sight of her, though in my mind the towel was strangely absent.

So far Italy had been amazing, not that we'd left the confines of the farmhouse much. It wasn't for lack of trying. Hell, a few days ago we'd even made it as far as the village before I had felt the need to be inside my wife stir up again, compelling me to park the car in some quiet forest lane and take her on the hood of my shiny red Alfa 8c spider.

My dick hardened even further at the memory of that particular round. It had been a good one; the image of Bella's pale skin and mahogany hair splayed out on the bright red surface of what had soon become one of my favorite cars was one that I would not like to forget.

_I guess the countryside did have its advantages. _

Still, every good thing had to come to an end, and with the second part of our trip starting tomorrow we were running out of time – and new surfaces to discover – in our own private little garden of Eden.

"I can see how much you're going to miss it," Bella snickered, slowly stalking towards me as she got rid of the towel, her tongue peeking out to lick her lips while her eyes ghosted over my body. The confidence and sexiness with which she moved making me desperate to be buried inside her again.

"I need you," I growled. "Right here, right now."

"So impatient," she chuckled, her hips moving in a sensual sway as she slowly but surely progressed towards me, my brain going mad with a million scenario's in which I wanted to possess her.

"So cruel," I muttered. "Why do you play with my heart?"

"Because the catch isn't half as satisfying without the hunt," she chuckled, the heat of her body radiating out towards me as she stood in front of me, her brown eyes boring into mine. She was in control and she knew it.

And fuck! She was sexy when she was in control.

"And what, fair Artemis, will you do with your prey once you've caught it?"

A lustful smile illuminated her face as she leaned in, a lithe finger tracing a trail from my neck down my chest and landing on top of my rock hard erection about the same time as her lips reached my ears. "I intend to possess it," she growled, her hand gripping my cock through the thin fabric of my boxers in time with her words.

The sound that emitted from my throat was eerily reminiscent of a wounded animal as I struggled to fight the urge to take over and throw her down on the coffee table behind her. As gratifying as that would be, I was sure that playing along would eventually work in my favor….

Bella watched it all with a smug smile, her shoulders drawing backwards a little more as her confidence soared higher and higher by watching the effect her words had on me.

If only she knew the amount of control she held over me – body and soul – I was sure she'd never ever doubt herself again. Or leave the bedroom….

"Just relax," Edward," she purred, her hands settling on my shoulders and pushing me back against the soft cushions on the settee. "Sit back, enjoy the show….let me take care of you."

"That's fine by me," I breathed, lifting my hips as she pushed the fabric of my underwear down, my cock springing forwards, proudly and in dire need of her attention. It was only when I sat back, just as she had told me to, that I understood the other part of her advice to me.

Fuck me!

I swallowed hard, my eyes glued to the huge gilded mirror that hung on the wall to my right, the angle giving me a very clear view of Bella's gorgeous naked body as she crouched before me. "You see that, baby?" Bella purred, her hands sliding upwards again over my legs now that she'd disposed of the last obstacle between my dick and her mouth. "Fuck yes!" I breathed, my cock twitching with impatience for things to come, the liquid oozing from the tip another indication of just how ready I was for her.

She, however had other ideas. I could see it by the way she glanced back, the evil glint in her eyes reflected in the mirror glass, her hands ghosting over my cock, touching but bringing no relief whatsoever. "Bella," I groaned, both begging and warning at the same time. Begging, because I was sure that if I wouldn't get relief any time soon I would fucking explode and warning that if she kept this on, I couldn't be held responsible for my actions. She merely snickered, my head beating faster as she gathered flicked her hair over one shoulder, getting it out of the way as she reached down, her lips brushing over my tip, barely touching it, before she lifted herself up again, only to repeat the same action a second time, though this time on her downward motion she actually kissed my cock. I was beyond begging at that point – wound so tight that the merest touch could set me off – my voice sounding mangled and unsteady as I spoke. "Would you please stop teasing me?"

She grinned, her smile one of pure satisfaction though her answer was the one I had been begging for ever since she got down on her knees in front of me; the feeling of her warm lips wrapping around me, sucking me into her warmth. "God!" I groaned, my fist slamming against the fluffy cushions in a desperate attempt to get rid of all the pent up energy that was begging to come out. It was either that, or thrusting my cock into her mouth and – even though I had found out my sweet angel had a rather deviant side to her – I doubted Bella would be into me fucking her mouth like she was some common whore. It was almost too much, my senses overflowed with wave and wave of stimulation as Bella took me in, the air tingling against the wet skin of my cock as she retreated.

And I hadn't even begun about the visual aspect…..God! I didn't know how Bella found out about the trick with the mirror, but boy was I glad that she did as my eyes shifted from the goddess in front of me and the trill watching my dick slide in and out of her mouth, to the reflection of her in the mirror, the movement of her shoulders and her spine creating a dance of light and darkness as it flowed down to the smooth curve of her ass. "Like that, baby, just like that."

She hummed against me, the sounds dragging off into a moan as I fisted my hand in her hair, pulling slightly and hopefully without causing her pain. Her actions brought me to the brink, my body begging for a release which I wasn't ready to give in to yet. "Stop…..God….fuck!.... Bella…baby stop!" I breathed, my words coming out as a half growl, "I want to be inside you when I come."

"Oh." She blushed, the color standing out amidst the pallor of her skin. I loved that, in spite of her new found sexual confidence, I was still able to cause that effect. Bella wouldn't be Bella without her adorable blushes.

"Yeah, that's right," I chuckled. "So I guess that makes it my turn now."

"Your turn?" She shifted, rubbing her thighs together as she caught on to the double entendre in my words.

"U-huh," I nodded, rising up from the couch. "You didn't think I'd keep all the fun to myself, did you?" I bend down to my knees, my body against hers, as I patted the soft fabric of the seat. "Hop on, gorgeous."

"Oh." Her blush deepened as my words sank in and she bit her lip, her body bending to my will as she took the place I had previously occupied on the couch, her body reclining against the seat as she arranged it to accommodate me.

"God, I love you spread out and ready for me!" I groaned as I took in the sight before me; Bella on the couch, her legs parted slightly to reveal her glistening pussy. She shivered as I let my hands travel up from her knees to her thighs before settling onto her hips as I slid forward to a perfect angle. I adjusted her body on the couch, making sure I could reach all of her sweet spots while still allowing her to enjoy the view, just like I had a few minutes ago.

Bella's eyes were hooded with lust as she watched my every movement, her eyes widening slightly as I slowly leaned in to kiss the skin above her collar bone before sliding my tongue down in circular motions until they reached the pebbled tips of her breast. She gasped my name as I latched on, kissing and nipping and enjoying every reaction her body produced, from the whispered words of encouragement to the way her knees were clamping against my hips, keeping me in place.

As if I had anywhere else I'd rather be.

"Easy there, love," I chuckled against her soft flesh, losing their hold. "You want me free to move around, don't you." I made use of my new found freedom by slowly sliding down her body, my tongue reveling in the slightly salty taste her body had taken on because of the heat as I dragged it along the smooth expanse of her stomach.

"God, yes!" she groaned, moving her legs a little further apart to give me better access.

"Good girl," I chuckled, my hands moving lithely up and down her thighs in a figure of eight movement, each passage coming a little closer to her wet sex. "Now how will I reward you?"

"I'm sure you can think of a way," she panted, her whole body tense with expectation. "Please…."

Ever the gentleman, I was more than happy to oblige to her request a groan of pleasure escaping my throat as I tasted her. "Fuck Baby," I groaned, the sweet taste of Bella making me salivate for more, "you are so wet for me."

"Only for you," she breathed, the words trailing off into a throaty moan as my lips folded around her clit. My tongue slipping through and circling the bundle of nerves as I slipped my index finger inside moving slowly, at first, and picking up more speed as the movements of her body and soft whimpers and moans emitting from her mouth indicated she was ready for more. "Oh God, fuck yes!" she moaned as I added a second and third finger, her back arching away from the pillows as her lust hooded eyes shifted between the mirrored image of the two of us together to me and what I was doing to her.

It wasn't long before I could feel her getting closer, the pressure in her body building up in anticipation of her release and I rejoiced, knowing it was me – only me – who did this to her. "Come for me, baby?" I begged against her tender skin. "Can you do that for me?"

"Fuck!" Her reply came out as a mangled cry as I could feel her whole body starting to tense and release, her walls clamping around my fingers as she came. It was the most beautiful sight in the world – better even than when it had been her doing this to me – and I looked up, imprinting it all onto my brain. God! She was so beautiful….so sexy…all mine. Made for me, to enjoy and give enjoyment in return.

As I watched her slowly whirl back down to earth, the urge to pound into her and relief the throbbing ache between my legs became almost unbearable. I knew I should be giving her some time to recovery or recuperate or whatever shitty phrase you could think of which came down to giving your wife a breather after she'd just orgasmed under your own capable hands, but somehow I couldn't stop myself, or – better – I couldn't stop my dick. It was beyond all reason at that moment, making my body revolt against my brain.

Bella's upper body veered off the couch in surprise, her chest almost crashing into mine as I entered her with one powerful thrust, her pelvic muscles clamping around me and making it really fucking hard for me to keep my shit together and not turn into a _one thrust pony_.. "Fuck!" she cried, her eyes clearly conveying the journey of her feelings; surprise, understanding…._lust_.

"Keep still, baby," I begged, leaning my head against her shoulder as I tried to steady my breathing, focusing on everything but the bliss of feeling her all around me. "God, you feel so good!"

I started moving inside her after a few moments, when the overpowering urge to come had abated slightly, my groans and Bella's whimpers filling the air as we entered in a slow sexual dance of coming together and moving apart. My lips sought hers, kissing, nipping, tasting as our movements slowly transcended from carful and measured into passionate and frenzied.

"Are you looking at us, love?" I growled as I watched Bella's eyes shift to a point beside my head. "Do you like watching me make love to you?"

"Yes," she moaned, her hands gripping my sweat-slicked shoulders to gain more leverage as her hips started to match my thrusts. "Fuck, Edward…don't stop."

"I wouldn't think of it," I hissed, "I do, however, think you're hogging the view!" Understanding dawned on her face as I gently shifted her body on the couch so that her back was against the seat of the couch and my body hovering above her.

Watching our movements, my body sheathed inside of hers, our hands, arms, legs tangled together was one of the most erotic sights I had ever set eyes upon, and given my past history, that was saying something. It brought me dangerously close to the edge again, but still, I had no intention of giving in. Not before I would make sure she would be right up there with me.

Bella's eyes widened before rolling into the back of her head as I sat up my hands wrapping around her legs and lifting them to my shoulders, our new position allowing me to hit her deeper and more powerful than before. "I'm so close," I hissed, the increased tightness making it even harder for me to hold off. "Come with me, Bella."

"Almost there," she panted, her eyes silently begging me to give her that extra push. "Please…"

I released one of my hands from where they had been holding her legs in place and started rubbing her clit."Oh fuck yes!" Bella gasped, her body immediately responding to my ministrations and I could feel from the tightening of her walls around me that she was getting as close as I was. "Don't stop…..I want…Give me….More."

"Anything!" I panted, my hips pounding into her with a desperate need to get as close to her as they could. To possess her, every bit of her, even the parts she had been reluctant to give away.

"Edward!" she called out, the intense clamp and release of her body as she came pulling me over the edge with her, calling out her name as I spilled into her before crashing down on top of her, my whole body exhausted and utterly spend.

"Amazing," I panted, trying to keep as much weight off of her as my arms could support. "You, my love are utterly amazing."

"You're not too bad yourself either," she chuckled, her fingers caressing the slippery skin of my back. "I wish it could be like this all the time…even when we get back."

"It could be…." I sighed, knowing that with two small children running around the place and a set of very nose neighbors the likelihood of this happening in broad daylight in our living room was slim to none. "I mean…we could always create a reason…."

"Do you mean?" The inquisitive tone of her voice had an underlying fear in it and it pained me, for more reasons than one.

"Don't you?" I asked cautiously, not wanting her to feel pressured into anything but really hoping her answer would be 'yes' all the same.

"I don't know." Her hands stilled on my back and I looked up to see the same anxiety I had noticed in her voice reflected on her face. "I-I…it's just," she stammered.

"It's okay," I assured her, the unspoken answer hurting me more than I'd like to admit. "You don't have to…."

"No, it's not that," she interrupted me. "I want more children eventually, but….."

"Not now."

"Yes," she nodded. "Now would be a big mistake. We are both so busy and so much in our lives is still uncertain…I don't think I could handle having another baby right now. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the kid….and not to me."

"I know, love." I leaned in for a kiss. Words couldn't convey how relieved I was that this wasn't a definite negative. I could definitely see where Bella was coming from. Bringing another child into our family now would be a mistake. We both still needed time to heal and grow and find certainty before we were ready.

And after all, we'd just had Masen.

Still, the whole experience of watching my child grow, in Bella's stomach at first and then from a tiny helpless baby into a developing human being had been the most awe-inspiring experience in my life, and one I was very eager to repeat. Perhaps a little girl……

"Don't get too carried away, Cullen," Bella smiled, once again knowing what was going on in my head without as much as a word passing between us. "I said some day, not right now."

"Someday," I repeated, nuzzling my head against her breast and drifting off into daydreams about a little girl with brown eyes and bronze hair building a huge sandcastle in the backyard with her big brother and sister.

We laid there, a tangled mess of sweaty, panting body parts, for God knew how long – It could have been minutes, it could have been hours – our hands gently caressing whatever parts of the other they could reach.

"Are you cold?" I asked, noticing her shiver for the second time.

"A bit," she shrugged. "The air is chilly tonight."

"I think it might rain," I nodded, picking her up in my arms and carrying her to the bedroom. "Let's get you to bed before you freeze to death." I handed her a pair of those thin, frilly bits of fabric Alice had forced her to pack. Honestly, what was passing as nightwear these days would have been considered underwear fifty years ago. It almost made me wonder how women all over the world kept themselves from ending up in the ER with hypothermia or pneumonia because those frilly things did nothing to protect them on that front.

"Exaggerate much?" she chuckled, settling in underneath the soft sheets of the bed. "And how about food? Or are you going to hire a staff of ten like you did on the first night, just to serve us dinner in bed while we're stark naked?"

"Nope," I snickered, I picked my pajama bottoms up from the floor beside the bed and slid them on before lying down next to her, "though I do like the thought of that. I popped out for a bit while you were taking your nap earlier and drove to the village. Turns out there's a _trattoria_ that sells pre-prepared pasta's. All I have to do is fire up the oven and we're done." I snorted, watching the irony in her smile. "Come on! You have to give me some credit! I've learned how to warm up a meal over the years."

"Well, I hope you're sure," she smiled, snuggling in underneath the covers, "because if I have to get up from the bed, there's going to be hell to pay!" She kissed my shoulder before settling her head against it. We were quiet for a few moments, only Bella's content sighs stirring the air as we both lay there. "How late is it?"

I craned my neck to look at the alarm clock on the bedside table. "Five PM."

She sighed deeply before detaching her body from mine. "I'd better call home," she sighed. "Libby will be worried if she doesn't hear from us."

"Are you sure, love?" I tried. "It is only ten in the morning over there. For all we know Libby is still asleep."

"Really, Edward?" she snorted. "Are we talking about the same little girl? You know as well as I do that the latest she's ever been up was eight o clock, and that was after she had been up half the night puking her poor little guts out."

"Whatever," I muttered, watching my wife rifle through her purse in search of her cell phone. "It's not impossible."

"Perhaps not, but you have to admit that it's highly improbable!" She replied, shaking her head at me as she dialed the number. I held in my breath, knowing that this was where the difficult part would start.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

"Will you sit still?' Edward chuckled, his eyes shifting from the road to me for a second. "You're reminding me of someone I know right now."

"Do I?"

"Yeah, I think you know her…." He mused. "Brown hair, green eyes, about this high…." His hand left the gear shift for a moment to give me an indication. "Goes by the name of Darcy Elizabeth Cullen……"

"Hmmm, the name does ring a bell." Thinking about Libby made me miss her even more because as much as I had loved the last couple of days and the effect the absence of children had had on our love life, I missed my babies a lot. More so than I would ever imagine.

_And it got worse with every passing day…._

"Figure it might," Edward snorted, taking my mind off my gloomy thoughts for a moment. "But I couldn't have imagined her ways would rub off on you!"

"She's my child too, you know!"

"Yeah, but I kind of thought she inherited that particular part of her character from my side."

It was so hard to keep the tears at bay, even when I furiously reminded myself of all the things I had to look forward to, so much to see, so much to do….so much to ruin because all you could think about were the poor little cherubs who had been left behind in New York…..It was at times like those that I would have gladly hopped on the first available fight back home if Edward would have let me. "I miss her."

"I know," he sighed. "So do I."

"I wonder why they didn't pick up the phone last night." My anxiety rose to a new level as I eyed my phone, willing it to ring. "I hope nothing happened….." I had tried calling Libby last night, just as I did every night since we had arrived here, only to be directed to the very polite message Esme had recorded for the home answering machine. At first I didn't think that much of it, figuring they must have gone out for a walk or something, but when they still didn't pick up an hour later and even Carlisle and Esme's cell phones didn't get me anywhere, I had started to get worried.

"I'm sure they are okay," Edward reassured me. "They were probably out with the kids, doing something fun. Libby will probably tell us all about it next time we call her." It was the same thing he'd told me yesterday, but then his words had been more convincing.

That, and the fact that he'd spoken them stark naked and still wet from his shower.

"How can you be so sure?" I couldn't imagine him just sitting there, calm as a cucumber, while God knew what might have happened to our children. It was making me more than a bit pissed. "You don't know where they are, do you? There's no way of knowing they are safe and…."

"Bella," Edward sighed. "Just calm down, honey." He paused for a few moment, no doubt hoping I would take his words to heart. "Look, I don't know why they didn't pick up the phone last night but I bet that right now they are fast asleep in bed, perfectly safe and harmless."

"Then why didn't they pick up the damn phone yesterday?" I cried. "I know I'm overreacting but dammit! It's so out of character for them to just leave us hanging! Esme didn't even react to the voicemails I left! It's so unlike her!"

"As I said; they probably went out last night," he shrugged, his total indifference to the fate of out babies and the careless way in which he kept repeating the same crappy excuse over and over again infuriating me even more. "I thought I heard my mom saying something about some horse fair she planned on taking Libby to."

"And what about the messages I left?" I yelled. "Do you mean to say they simply forgot about them?"

"Maybe. Or maybe they got home late and went straight to bed."

"I'm going to try again." I grabbed my purse and started fishing around for my cell phone.

"The hell you are!" Edward growled. "Bella, I know you're worried but I won't have you waking everyone up in the dead of night just because their fun robbed you of your chance to speak to Libby and Masen!"

"Robbed me Edward? What the fuck are you saying?"

"Don't let this grow into anything more than it is," Edward muttered.

"I won't," I insisted, my anger still pulsing trough my veins. "But that doesn't mean that you don't owe me an explanation. And better make it a good one!"

"Don't you think that part of your feelings are fueled by the fact that you miss them?" he countered. "I know how much you depend on speaking to them every night…."

"I do," I admitted, "but that's beside the point."

"Is it? Or is it part of it?"

I had to admit that he had a point, even if I didn't see how it made my anxiety over the children any less valid. "I don't know," I grudgingly admitted. "I wish they would pick up the damn phone though."

"So do I," he nodded, taking my hand and tangling it with his. "Don't think that I don't care, just because I'm trying very hard to remain calm." He lifted our hands to his face, tilting it so that when his lips brushed against them they made contact with my skin. "Try not to worry too much. I'm sure that there is a perfectly sensible explanation to all of this."

"I'll try," I sighed. "It's just…I miss them. I've never done this before and I'm just scared that something is going to happen – good or bad – and that I won't be there to witness it." It was only after I had uttered the words that I realized how they might be construed. "It's not that I don't enjoy being here with you," I was quick to add. "Far from it….I love it here, I really do, but it's very hard for me to let go."

"If you want to go back…." he muttered as he slowed the car down in time for the next exit.

"No," I sighed. "Just….don't mind me. As you said, it's probably nothing." And just like that Edward Cullen had been able to work his reverse psychology magic on me yet again. It made me wonder why I still bothered to disagree with him at times. It wasn't like I could ever resist him.

_His mind or his body._

"Good," he nodded, the hand that had lost contact with mine since he'd had to handle the gear shift settling down on my knee as it sought contact again. "Because I would hate for you to ever feel like you have to do this out of some sense of obligation. I want you to enjoy yourself."

"I am," I assured him. "This whole trip has been so…amazing." I sighed as I stared out in front of me, the distance between us and paradise growing by the second. "I'm going to miss the farmhouse."

"So will I," Edward nodded, his hand squeezing slightly. "But we'll take some of what we found there back with us."

"I hope so." The five days we'd spend at the farmhouse had been like living in our own perfect little bubble made of nothing but the purest and most beautiful love I had ever experienced. We both knew that the moment we left this place, that bubble would come under pressure. It wouldn't break, we would make sure of that, but, sullied by the outside world, it would, with time, lose some of its magic shine.

"I know so," he pressed. "And anyway….wasn't it you who went on and on about how it would be a waste of money and finite resources if we traveled halfway around the world only to lie on top of each other?"

"Yeah," I growled. "But how was I supposed to know that the lying on top of each other part would be so…addictive?"

"We'll have plenty of time for that during the second half of our trip," he chuckled his voice dipping an octave as he continued. "Plus….we have a whole new room and a whole new array of furniture to christen." His words send a shiver through my body and I could feel myself flushing up from the inside, a sensation only heightened by the fact that his hand had slowly started to travel upwards from my knee and was now inching dangerously close to the edge of my panties.

"Edward….." I begged, my voice breaking into a gasp as his fingers slipped underneath the lacey fabric, "we're in an open car right in the middle of a road. What if someone sees us?" I was sure that anyone who'd see me right now would be in no doubt of what was going on. Flustered being the perfect phrase to describe me right now, the warm Tuscan air being of no help to me whatsoever.

"I know baby," he crooned, "but fuck! I love feeling how wet you are for me." I let out a small whimper at the loss of his fingers as he distracted them. Terrified as I might have been at getting caught with his hand literally up my skirt, my body couldn't help but reacting to his touch. My body, it seemed, was all about living dangerous.

"Besides…" he continued, "I couldn't resist a little taste." I gasped, the throbbing between my legs rising to almost unbearable levels as he stuck his fingers in his mouth, his eyes closing for the slightest hint of a moment as he savored the taste of me. "It's been too long since I had the taste of you in my mouth."

"Honey, you have to stop doing this to me if you want me to survive this holiday," I begged. "Take it easy on my poor heart!"

"I'll think about it," he chuckled, his attention reverting back to the road which was getting more challenging as we got closer to our destination. The hotel we had picked was just outside Florence in the town of Fiesole, a municipality up in the hills above the big city. As we climbed up towards the town we caught glimpses of a most breathtaking view through the foliage and picturesque homes that were scattered along the road: a high dome sticking out above the city of Florence, joined by a few other impressively robust buildings that had stood in the same spot for God knew how many years. There was so much history here. So much to be discovered. If only I could be sure that Libby and Masen were safely tucked up in bed right now….

"We'll call them as soon as we're checked in," Edward spoke, no doubt having noticed the shift in my mood. "It's a bit early but I think my dad may be up by now. Working as a surgeon for twenty odd years tends to screw with your sleeping patterns."

"Thanks," I nodded, smiling slightly at his confused look, "for understanding"." I did the math in my head. It was twelve in the afternoon over here, meaning that in New York it was six in the morning. Too early for even Libby to be awake.

"Of course I understand. I am just as terrified of something happening to them as you are, even though I chose to be the voice of reason in this matter."

"I just hope they pick up this time…."

I didn't have much time to think about it before we arrived in a huge open space, enclosed by trees and shrubs on three sides but that wasn't what drew our attention, it was the huge white stone façade of the Villa San Michele, rumored to have been designed by no other than Michelangelo himself. "Damn!" I muttered as I took it all in. The place looked majestic and awe-inspiring, much more like a palace than a monastery, which had been the building's previous use.

"You can say that again," Edward chuckled beside me. "It sure is impressive, for lack of a better word."

Edward masterfully steered the car towards the entrance, letting the car slowly roll to a stop as we rolled up in front of the austere loggia that separated the outside from the inside.

"You know, if I didn't know better, I think I would have been jealous," I snickered as I watched him sigh a bit as he cut the engine and carefully open the door, his fingers gliding over the red paint, almost as if he was caressing it. "Will you be able to say goodbye to your shiny new toy when we leave?"

"With difficulty, but I'm sure I'll manage," he chuckled, opening my door and lending me his hand as I got out. .It's just a car," He leaned in, his lips dragging over the skin of my neck as he continued in a low, husky voice. "There are things I love far, far more…." I shivered as I felt his tongue slip out, caressing the tender skin behind my ear, before suddenly pulling back. His face was radiant with love and anticipation as he looked at me, his words confusing me even more than his facial expression. "Surprise."

"What?" I frowned looking up at him. What was the surprise? I knew we were going here, hell, I'd even booked the trip. What was he going on about?

The explanation came soon though, a flash of brown curls and white skin, covered in a light blue dress running at us with a dazzling speed. "Mommy!"

"Libby?" I stumbled, trying to keep my body upright as my daughter crashed into my arms, her small, bony frame colliding with mine. "Owch! Careful honey! You don't want mommy to end up in the ER again!"

"Did you see this place?" she gushed, her arms waving out to the building in front of us. "It's so cool! It has paintings on the walls."

"That isn't so special, is it?" I laughed feeling the weight of worry and longing lift from my body.

"Ugh, you know what I mean," Libby scowled. "The paintings are on the walls, not like the ones you see in a museum. Grandma says they are very old."

"I'm sure they are honey," I chuckled. "So, grandma and Masen are here as well?" That would surely explain why they didn't pick up the phone last night.

She nodded, her curls bouncing around her head with the ferocity of her movements. "And granddad too. You should see the room we are staying in. It's huge! It has its own garden and you can see the whole city from there!"

True to form Edward had refused to settle for anything less than the presidential suite which, in the light of the new additions to our group, was a very smart thing because if gave us space enough to have Libby and Masen join us without the room getting too cramped. Sure, we'd had to give up some of the privacy because the walls, thick and ancient as they might have been, were nothing compared to the privacy of the farmhouse and sharing our suite with two children meant that wouldn't be able to make love as freely as we had for the last couple of days. _Or on as many different surfaces._

Still, I wouldn't have given it up for anything in the world. After the five perfect and uninterrupted days of reconnecting I'd had with my husband, I couldn't wait to share this second part of our trip with my kids and the two people responsible for us being here, though I had no idea, as of yet, how everyone ended up being here, though I had a sneaking suspicion.

"I take it Carlisle and Esme didn't just wake up one morning with the uncontrollable urge to fly all the way to Italy, did they?" I asked, turning to my husband. He was looking on with the contentment of a cat who'd just found the secret entrance to the aviary.

"They might have had a little help," he shrugged.

I had flung myself into his arms the next moment, one hand holding on to Libby while the other was wrapped around Edward's neck. "I love you!" I sniffed into his chest, before lifting my head up to thank him properly. "Even though I hate you for letting me worry all morning! You could have told me."

"And ruin Libby's fun?" he chuckled. "Never!"

"Ruin my fun?" Libby asked, as Edward gathered her up in his arms, folding her into our embrace. "Why would mommy want to ruin my fun?"

"I didn't want to do that, sweetheart," I smiled. "I was a bit worried about you when I tried to call you last night and nobody picked up the phone."

"We were on the plane."

"I know that now, but I didn't know it then, so I was scared something had happened to you," I explained. "But enough about that. How did your flight go?"

"It was long," Libby frowned. "I don't think I like it when it goes on for that long."

"I don't like that either," Edward nodded.

"But they did have _Finding Nemo_ and that was fun," Libby, always the optimist, went on, "and grandma let me do granddad's makeup when he was asleep."

"She even took pictures so that your mom and dad could share in all the fun," Esme chuckled as she walked out into the light. Libby skipped over to her, her eyes dancing with mirth as she slapped her grandmother's hand in a high five – or in Esme's case a very low one. Esme shot a quick glance behind her before she continued. "Though I don't know if Carlisle was a very willing subject."

"I'd say that again," Carlisle's voice sounded from the open doors in front of us. "But apparently a man can't get a decent nap in around these parts without having his face resembling something like a Native American in full war paint." His face was stern and I could see by the way Liby's face clouded that she had been unable to detect the faint hint of humor in his voice. I couldn't blame her though. Carlisle would have made a very fine actor.

"I'm sorry granddad," Libby sighed. "But you did look really funny. Grandma thought so too."

"I was only joking, sweetheart," my father in law reassured her, progressing slowly towards us with Masen tottering beside him, my son's chubby little hands holding on for dear life and his face scrunched up in a look of utter concentration as he walked.

Until he saw us.

My heart leapt at the huge toothy grin that appeared the moment he saw us, his free hand reaching out words us. "Mama! Dadda!" He stumbled in his enthusiasm to reach us and were it not for the strong arms and quick reaction of his grandfather he would have fallen butt first onto the gravel.

"Easy there, my boy!" Carlisle chuckled, gathering him up in his arms and crossing the distance. "You really don't want to get up close and personal with the floor." He handed my son over to me and it wasn't until I felt his little small body enclosing mine in a marmoset grip, his sweet baby smell enveloping me, that I realized how much I had missed my two little angels. They held a big piece of my heart and being without them, no matter how much fun I knew they were having or how much I trusted the people who cared for them, that piece would always be anxious about them and pine after them.

"I can't believe you flew them over!" I sniffed, burying my face in Masen's unruly mass of bronze hair. "Thank you. Thank you so much!"

"Anything for you, love," Edward answered, his arm snaking around my waist. I could see from my peripheral vision how Esme and Carlisle quickly gathered Libby to them and left, giving us some space. "I knew how hard it would be for you to be without the kids and I figured I might as well have them join us. I know Libby is going to love it here."

"I think you might be right," I chuckled. "I mean, who wouldn't? It's perfect! But are you sure that Carlisle and Esme are okay with sacrificing their own holiday plans for this?"

"Are the two of you going to stand here all afternoon?" Esme's voice sounded, breaking the spell. I looked up to see her standing at a respectable distance, a satisfied smile gracing her lips as she looked at us. "Oh, and don't worry about us being here. I've been wanting to revisit these parts for years but for some silly reason Carlisle is always holding off on me!"

"That might just have something to do with the fact that you turn into a force of evil the minute you set foot in a museum!" Edward muttered under his breath.

"I heard that!" Esme sneered, "Please Bella, don't let yourself be fooled by whatever those two philistines of mine say. I may get a bit excited when there's art to be seen, but surely accusing me of turning into Pol Pot's little sister is ludicrous!"

"Very accurate, actually," Edward whispered in my ear, earning a very stern look from his mother.

"Well, as much as I would like to stand here and debate with my son, let's get inside and get you two checked in before Libby and Masen tear the place down," Esme chuckled, shaking her head at Edward as I reluctantly handed Masen over to his father after my arms grew sore from holding him. "Libby has been very excited to explore the city and I don't think her grandfather will stand a chance against her on his own. Brilliant surgeon though he may be, he has always been a pushover when it came to his kids."

"We'll be right there," Edward smiled, handing the car keys over to a valet who appeared as if on cue. I wondered how long he had been waiting in the side wings. When he had satisfied himself that the valet was taking great care of the shiny red contraption he turned back to me, shifting Masen so that he was perched on his hip while offering his free arm to me. "Are you ready to come inside, love?" he asked, his eyes glowing with love and happiness, the weight of the last couple of moths having slowly faded from them over the last couple of days.

"I am," I smiled, stepping into his hold and letting him guide me into the building.

I would follow him anywhere.

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_**Awww. Who wants to marry Edward right now?**_

_**The next chapter will have them spend their last days in Italy before they turn home to another surprise….Hmm, I wonder what that will be…..**_

_**I hope I will be able to post next week, but with the way my work schedule is looking for the next couple of days I fear that won't be happening. I'll do my best though.**_

_**Like? Hate? Please let me know. **_


	38. Back again

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_**I'm back! Work went all kinds of crazy on me which allowed me very little time to spend in Foundations-ville. I should be able to update regularly from now on again though, even though it's only for two more chapters and an epilogue. Snif.**_

_**Many thanks to xparawhorextwerdx for fixing my grammar and holding my hand. Love ya!**_

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**Back again.**

_**April 2010**_

"Bella?" It was hard to ignore his voice, especially when he was doubling up on the butter smooth like he was doing right now. However, I wasn't ready to wake up yet. Waking up would mean getting up.

And getting up would get us one huge step closer to leaving this place, something I really didn't want to do.

"We should get up if we want to make it to the airport on time." He sounded more insistent this time and I had a feeling he wasn't going to let me get away with stalling. Or, at least, not too much of it. What gave me hope, though, was the fact that I could still feel his body, inches away from mine, in the bed.

"I don't want to go," I whined, burying my face even deeper into the soft pillows. I knew I was probably sounding more immature than Libby, but to hell with it.

"We're going to miss our plane."

"We'll take another one…a later one," I growled, "it's not like it's the only plane flying into JFK this year!"

"My, my. Eager to spend money aren't we, Mrs Cullen?" he mocked, his fingers brushing a lithe pattern over the naked skin of my back. "I thought you were all about frugality? Does this mean I will get to lavish you with gifts without getting my head bitten off in the process when we get back?"

"Maybe," I grumbled, feeling my body start to wake up more and more because of Edward's consistent talking. "But don't let it get to your head. I'm not about to let you do lavish me with anything right now. You woke me up!"

"I somehow doubt if you'd deny me if I lavished you with something else!" he chuckled, his hands resting on either side of my head as he pinned me between the mattress and his body.

"What are you going to do?" I chuckled, wriggling underneath him just to see if he was paying attention. "Keep me as your prisoner?'

"I like that idea," he purred, dragging his teeth along the soft skin of my neck. I let out an involuntary moan at the sensation of the cold harness and sharpness of them against the tender skin, my blood throbbing in my veins with my need for him. He knew he had me then, the smug smile peeking out through the general look of lust. I knew I shouldn't make this so easy for him, but I wasn't in a hurry to get away from him. Or even make him chase me for that matter. Not when I could feel him hard and throbbing against me, my body reacting in kind to his obvious desire for me. I could never get enough of this.

I could never get enough of him.

He knew my body like no one else did – or ever would – knew exactly which buttons to push to give me insane pleasure…or turn me into a quivering puddle of mush. It was that trait that would always have me willingly surrender to his wishes in the end, knowing that there was much more to derive from giving in than from holding out.

I chuckled, knowing how that notion went against every awkward lecture my dad had tried to give me when I was young but as long as Edward shared the milk so freely with me, he would be welcome to take the cow.

It didn't mean I was going to deny him the pleasure of 'the chase' though…

I turned, determined to at least make the effort of pretending I had some backbone inside of me even though the wetness between my legs as his hard cock brushed against me betrayed the falsehood of my sudden reluctance before I could even utter a single word. "I thought we were going to be late for our plane?" I tried, my legs undermining my attempt at holding out by wrapping around his waist, pulling him closer against me. Damned traitor of a body!

"Screw the plane!" Edward growled. "I want to hear you scream my name at least once more before I am ready to leave this place. Do you think you can let me?" His green eyes bore into mine as he hovered above me, his strong, sinewy body supported by his arms and legs. I could feel how hard he had to fight his own body as well, his trembling arms and lust-clouded eyes betraying his need to be inside of me. I could only sympathize. He was so close, but still so far away from where I wanted him, from where I needed him.

"Edward," I moaned, the words rolling from his velvet tongue with a tantalizing, excruciating purr being enough to bring me to the brink of insanity on their own. Let alone when he brought his body into play.

"Answer me, Isabella," he demanded. "Do you want me to take you...hard, fast and furious until you scream my name as you come around my cock?"

"Y-yes," I managed to stammer, my raw need for him making my body writhe on the mattress seeking comfort.

"I won't be taking me time with you today, my Isabella," he continued, the low growl of his voice shooting straight between my legs, "I am going to drive into you until there is no doubt in your mind who your sweet pussy belong to…..and just so the outside world know it to, I'm going to mark you…with my teeth. What do you say to that?"

I was beyond rational thought at that moment, my breath leaving my lungs in an almost painful gasp of pent up lust. As much as I loved it when Edward and I made sweet, sweet love, his dominant side…it turned me to mush. Absolute and utter mush. "Please…." I finally managed to pant, knowing he wouldn't do anything until he had his okay, "let me feel you….inside me."

"Whatever the lady wishes," he growled, thrusting into me as his deep green eyes shone into mine with a furious intensity.

I felt whole again, the moment I felt him inside me, the two pieces of the circle joining, humming in contentment and creating something that was larger than just the sum of two pieces. Larger than us.

It was fate, destiny, soul mates, or whatever other name you could think of. But most of all, it was pure, unadulterated pleasure.

I cried out, my hands clawing into the taut skin of his back, leaving my own visible marks on him as I held on to him, needing him as close as he could get.

The fact that Carlisle, Esme and the children were probably having breakfast on the balcony of their room, wondering what the hell was keeping us added an extra urgency to our lovemaking and left our body's sweaty and jubilant as they moved against each other, joined in the closest form man and woman could ever be united.

Before long I could feel that familiar tightening in my body, the pleasure intensifying as the tension started to build up deep down inside of me. "So close," I panted, my fingers digging into his skin to find some leverage against the weight of the storm brewing inside of me. I was so close, close enough to make the absence of release a sweet, sweet torture.

"Fuck, honey," he panted, his body brushing against my throbbing clit every time he slammed into me. "I'm right there with you." His eyes were closed now, the lids squeezed shut as he tried to hold off his own release for me. "Come for me, Bella. NOW."

My head rolled backwards, as my body twisted with pleasure, a sharp sting hitting me through the rumbling freight train of emotions. The sensation of Edward, marking me with his teeth was enough to make the dark clouds erupt into a thunderstorm and I came, crying out his name as my whole body shivered, panted and cried out with its intensity. Edward followed hot on my heels, giving himself to me completely as his release shot into me.

"I told you, I'd make you scream," Edward chuckled as he caught his breath after a while, kissing my sweaty shoulder as he crashed on the bed beside me.

"Arrogant ass!" I scolded playfully, swatting him away as I go up from the bed. "Go make yourself useful for a change instead of lying about, blowing your own trumpet!"

"Excuse me," he growled in mock indignation, scratching the sweaty skin of his chest. "I'd say I made myself pretty useful just now!"

I rolled my eyes at him. "You know what I mean. And just a quick FYI: I'm referring Libby to you if she asks why mommy has a big old bite mark on her neck!"

I caught another one of his so called pantie dropping grins before I managed to escape to the bathroom. I had somehow, during the last couple of days, turned my own husband into a complete horn dog. He really was beyond help, which, in itself wasn't so bad if only he wasn't so good at it.

A sense of melancholy settled over me as I got through the motions of a quick shower, brushing my teeth while the conditioner was working its magic before rinsing the stuff out of my hair and hopping out from underneath the spray to finish my morning ritual. The feeling only intensified when I got out of the bathroom, my skin still glowing with the warmth of the water, only to spot both our suitcases lying on the bed, my husband cramming them with our clothes and toiletries.

Edward caught my gaze as he looked up, his eyes holding that same hint of sadness I was feeling. We both knew what the open suitcases between us meant.

They meant that our holiday was officially over.

We went about our business silently, both sneaking in longing glances at the other every opportunity we got as we packed our last clothes into the suitcases and got ready for our journey back.

"Don't worry love," Edward spoke, snaking his arm around my waist in a one-armed hug as we stood in front of the bed. "This is not the end of something. This is only the beginning. We'll find a way to keep all of the things we've discovered with us, as long as we're both willing to fight for it."

"I know," I sighed, resting my head against his shoulder and allowing him to sooth me. I truly did. It was just that this holiday had been so amazing….the adjustment to everyday life was bound to be difficult. I knew it. "I guess this was what Eve must have felt when she'd been banished from paradise."

"Hmm," he hummed, burying my face in my hair for a moment or two. "Have you been eating any apples lately? Or doing anything else that would warrant us being banished from our place of happiness?"

"No," I breathed, "and maybe that's why it's so hard for me to accept that this is the end of our stay in Eden."

"Maybe it's not," Edward insisted. "Maybe it's just the beginning of a new chapter in our lives." It was the discussion we had been having a lot over the last couple of days. Edward was so sure that we would be able to take what we'd found here back with us, even if I had my doubts. For me, Italy, would forever be my garden of Eden.

My smile reappeared when I thought about all the things I'd seen and done over the last couple of days. They were too much to mention almost and I knew it was mostly down to the presence of my in-laws and children that we'd managed to soak up so much of the country because if it had been up to Edward and me, I was pretty sure we would have hardly left our suite, just like at the farmhouse.

"What are you thinking about that has you smiling so beatifically?" Edward asked, pausing his final inspection of the cupboards and bathroom.

"The last couple of days…everything I've seen….experiencing all of this with the people I love the most…"

"I know what you mean," Edward nodded.

"I wish I could take it all with me," I sighed. "Do you remember that little eating place we visited?"

"Which one?" he chuckled.

"The one where we ate in the backyard, with all the fairy lights and those beautiful fragrant shrubs. I'm thinking of restyling the backyard to look just like it." The place had truly been magical, as with most of the small restaurants that were scattered all over town. Every single one of them seemed to hold some sort of hidden treasure, whether it were a beautiful mural or a secret garden. And then I hadn't even mentioned the food.

"As much as I like the idea, I think it might be a bit hard to recreate the exact look of the place while still incorporating Libby's swing set and the sandbox," Edward chuckled. "I know Libby is going to raise hell if you get rid of those."

"You're right," I sighed, "but maybe she'd appreciate a nice mural of the 'Last Supper' as a background picture?"

"Don't you think you've bought enough poster replica's to turn the whole house into a bite sized version of the Ufizi gallery?"

"True," I snorted, remembering how Libby and I had gone completely wild in the museum's gift shop, buying almost every painting we'd loved in poster format. And we'd loved _a lot_ of paintings. "But really, did you find that at all surprising considering your mother was with us?"

I had found that visiting a museum with Esme was another experience that could be described as very interesting. After Carlisle and Edward had described her as nothing short of Satan's little sister, unleashing a reign of terror over her unsuspecting loved ones the moment she stepped into a museum I had been a bit hesitant when she had asked me and Libby to join her for a visit to the Uffizi, the largest of the museums the town boasted of and filled to the brim with the most amazing works of art known to man. Esme, of course, had known of no harm, counteracting her son and husband's image of her with her own vision that had her as some sort of cultural vigilante, fighting an honorable battle against the 'dummification of the masses' as she called it.

Truth, as always, lay in between those two descriptions.

As much as she appreciated my respect and awe as I stood in front of the Venus by the famous Florentine painter Sandro Botticelli, she wouldn't let me get away with appreciating just the highlights of the museum. According to her every painting, ancient wooden box or silver artifact exhibited within the 139,000 square feet of exhibiting space deserved our attention. It was completely and utterly exhausting but then again, she knew so much about the works of art that graced the walls of the museum, from famous paintings by the likes of Rubens and Botticelli to unknown works by artists with outlandish names like Sofonisba Anguissola and Jan van den Hoecke. Her explanations of the symbolism within the paintings and anecdotes about the lives of the artists were what made the visit interesting, even to the last frame.

But the art and ancient buildings hadn't been all that made this trip into an unforgettable journey. Most of all it had been the way we'd come together as a family and spend time together without being distracted by work, school or horse riding classes.

"Not really," Edward replied, closing the lid on his suitcase, " But I have to say….I was kind of surprised when you and Carlisle went to visit that church on the hilltop that one morning. I never did take you for a devout catholic…..Oh, for God's sake, why don't you just let me do that?" he chuckled, interrupting his question as he saw how I was struggling with the latches on mine.

"Thanks," I muttered, seeing how Edward made the impossible possible and closed the damn buckles of hell on his first try. "And I'm not really, but the experience was amazing." It was humbling, really to attend mass in a place of worship that had been there since the Middle Ages. It had seen so many things over the years. Marriages, christenings but also the fear and desperation during the Black Death pandemic. "It gave me such a feeling of calm and peace….even if I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying."

"Carlisle said exactly the same, you know," Edward chuckled. "He really liked spending that morning with you."

"I did too," I nodded. It was strange, the times me and my father in law had spend together could be counted on the finger of one hand, but as we descended the hilltop after mass had ended we had felt completely at ease with each other. And it showed. I had been able to discuss things with him I had never imagined I could ever speak about to anyone but Esme or Rose.

"Yes," he mused. "I never did find out what it was that had you blushing so hard when the two of you came back."

"I'll never tell," I challenged him.

"Wanna bet?"

"Don't make me," I pleaded. "Isn't as girl allowed to have some secrets around here?"

"Nope. I think Doctor Moon was pretty adamant that keeping secrets wasn't part of a good and healthy marriage."

"Not even when you stand to gain so much more by letting me keep my little secret?" I knew I had him there, or at least given him some stuff to think about while I made my escape.

"Am I right in assuming that my step-father gave you advice on our love life?" he gasped.

"Maybe." Really, why was I even bothering denying it? My blush said it all. "And what of it if he did? You were never so surprised when Esme and I discus in ins and outs of our marriage."

"Yeah, but the both of you are female," he muttered, trying to get himself out of this particular minefield. "It's just….unexpected. I didn't think you'd feel comfortable…."

"Relax!" I snickered, coming to his aid after I'd enjoyed watching him sweat for a little while. "We discussed many things but in particular the things I could do to support you during the next year."

"And he suggested sex?"

"No, you crazy perv!" I cried, trying to stop myself from laughing. "You're making it seems like it was some kind of porno-conference. We didn't just discus sex. We spoke about many things."

"But you did speak about sex," he insisted.

"Let's just go and have breakfast," I growled, quickly changing the subject. "That is…if Carlisle and Esme haven't decided to dump us and leave for the airport yet!"

"We are a bit late, aren't we?" he chuckled.

"A bit late?" I snorted, hooking my arm around his as we left the room. "Try scandalously."

Esme seemed to agree with me as she greeted us in the front lobby, her scowl nevertheless hiding an underlying hint of humor as she handed both of us a chocolate filled _cornetto_ for breakfast. "And that's all you're going to get. If we want to make our check in time at the airport we are going to have to leave right now," she warned before turning to Edward, staring his smug grin down with an icy cool glare. "Carlisle is already loading our luggage and that of the children into the car. I suggest you do the same."

"Yes, mother," he answered, putting his 'I'm a good little boy'-look in place.

It was all to no avail. Whereas Edward might have been frustratingly good working his magic on me, Esme seemed to be quiet immune to his boyish charms. Perhaps she'd seen them one too many times. "Don't you 'yes, mother' me Edward Antony Cullen," Esme hissed. "I know who it was that made the two of you miss breakfast and really, I had half a mind to send Libby in to get you. It would have given you a nice opportunity to fill her in on the birds and the bees."

"Whatever happened to 'it takes two to tango'," Edward grumbled under his breath as he took my bag and made to follow the bell-boy who had just come down with our luggage. "It's not like Bella was an unwilling subject in all of this!"

"Don't look so smug," Esme glowered at me as we watched him disappear through the doors. "He's right and you know it. Really, Bella. I expected more responsibility from you."

"I know," I sighed, hanging my head in shame only to lift it up, almost dropping the sticky pastry I still held in my hand in shock, when Esme erupted in a fit of giggles.

"I was only joking!" she chuckled, her laughter deepening as she saw the shocked look on my face. "Really? You thought I was angry?" She snorted. "If Carlisle and I had been alone we probably would have done the same!"

The time Esme spend settling the final things at the reception gave me the opportunity to coax my face back from fire engine red to a state somewhat resembling normal. I was just about there when she rejoined me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "Esme, I never did thank you for everything you've done for the two of us. Not just during this trip…but in general."

"It is my duty as a mother to do everything in my power to make my children happy," Esme stated. "And Bella, I do reckon you as one of them."

"Still, I think you went above and beyond your call of duty," I insisted. "Thank you."

"You are most welcome," she smiled. "And as I said before, it is a small sacrifice when it finds me with an excuse to spend a week in Italy."

"Mom!" Libby came running inside, giving me a quick hug before she spoke again. "You have to come outside. Daddy and grandpa are fighting!"

"What?" both Esme and I gasped at once.

We got outside just in time to stop things from getting ugly between the two of them. They were standing face to face over the hood of the Alfa Romeo, Masen watching on with a bemused grin from the comfort of the backseat of the black Mercedes Carlisle and Esme had rented.

"Will the two of you tell me what on earth is going on?" Esme demanded.

"He wants to take my car," Edward snarled, pointing his finger at Carlisle.

I sighed. Of course it was the damn car. Edward had Gollumed over it all through our trip, even going as far as to insist that he was behind the wheel at all times, inventing some lame excuse about how he needed to make sure the thing was handled properly because of the security deposit he'd had to pay. "How old are you?" I snorted. "And he might be right. After all, how did you envision taking Libby and Masen with us in a two-seater?"

"I don't know…" he shrugged.

"Neither do I, since strapping them to the hood of the car really isn't an option as far as I'm concerned and don't you even start to suggest that Carlisle and Esme take them with them in the Mercedes. They've done enough for us over the last couple of weeks. The least we could do for them is give them some alone time."

"But….."

"Just give up, Edward," I groaned. "I know you love the car, but really, you can't have everything." It felt like I was talking to Libby at the moment, his angry pout even making him look like her. It made me realize with a start that Alice probably hadn't been the source of my daughter's princessy behavior after all.

It had been her dad. He'd been a closeted little princess all along. I should have known it!

"Okay." He finally admitted defeat, handing over the keys to his father with a cool glare while muttering something under his breath. I rolled my eyes at him, sharing a knowing look with my daughter before heading over to the Mercedes to make sure she was strapped into the back seat properly.

The rest of our journey home passed without incident or further upset. I guess almost all of us were sad to leave Italy behind because apart from Libby, for whom it was impossible to be silent for longer than ten minutes, hardly a word was spoken between us.

Masen was a bit fussy in the plane, the altitude making his ears pop, earning us a few glares from some snotty business men in first class. I think Edward would have killed them on the spot, had the fasten seat belt signs not been on at the moment, though I could sort of understand, even if I could do nothing against it. The angry cries my son was emitting weren't exactly music to my ears either.

We arrived back in New York very early, the sun barely visible on the horizon when the plane started to descent towards JFK Airport.

It was a good thing we'd all slept – or tried to – on the plane because I knew that as soon as we got home, things would be crazy.

Edward had another five days of leave before he had to start his fellowship and he planned on spending as much of it as he could with us. He and Libby had been huddled together for part of the flight, trying to come up with as many things as they could cram into those days. It hardly left any room for food or sleep, let alone jetlag.

Emmett and Rose were already waiting for us at the airport, having driven there in separate cars to be able to get us all back to the city since Carlisle and Esme would be spending next week with us. I looked back, watching Carlisle and Esme assist Libby in her efforts to pile all of our luggage onto a trolley. The way she kept stubbornly refusing their help, her sweet little face red with the strain of the weight she was lifting while her grandparents watched on with equal parts amusement and worry.

I was going to miss them. Both of them. So much. The last couple of days made me wish more than ever before that we could all live in the same town.

"Well, I don't think I have to guess how the two of you have been celebrating Edward's promotion over the last two weeks," Rose snickered as soon as she reached us, her eyes lingering on the bite mark that peeked over the neckline of my CU sweatshirt .

"Rosie!" Emmett groaned. "I thought I told you not to mention that kind of stuff around me!"

"What?" she growled. "You know she has sex, just as she knows we do."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I like to have my face rubbed in it!" Emmett complained. And for once I couldn't agree more. "As far as I'm concerned Libby and Masen were conceived immaculately, just like Bella and me were."

"And Charlie and 'Baby to be'?" Rose snorted. "What about them? Should I change my name to Mary?"

"Nope," Emmett grinned, kissing her on the cheek. "No miracles there. Just hard work and lots and lots of sex!"

"Uncle Emmett! Aunt Rose!" Libby squealed as she ran towards us, catapulting herself into her uncle's arms. "You have to see the necklace grandma bought for me at the Ponte Vecchio. It means 'old bridge' in Italian!"

"I take it you had a good time, baby squirt?" Emmett chuckled, hugging her to him.

"Yes, the best!" Libby, nodded before starting off on a full blow by blow on everything that had happened since he'd seen her last. She only stopped her incessant flow of words when we all but manhandled her into Edward's Volvo for the ride home.

It was strange, being back in New York. We'd only been away for such a short period of time, but it felt like something big had changed.

Or maybe it was just me.

Alice and Jasper were waiting for us at home with a large spread of all the breakfast foods a person could think off laid out on the dining table.

"Which army are you feeding Alice?" I teased as I saw all of the food.

"Oh, go ahead and make fun of me," Alice growled, though her eyes were shining with happiness as she hugged her brother and the children. "I was only trying to be nice."

"And it's much appreciated," I added, pulling her into a hug, much to the pixie's surprise. She did return it, though, not until after a few moments and even then it was awkward. We were getting better though. We weren't there yet – not even close – but we were on the right path. Everything would return to normal.

Soon.

"How was your trip?" Jasper asked as soon as everyone had taken their seats around the table. He must have noticed how Libby started to wiggle in her seat, impatient to launch into another recount of the week's events because his next question was directed mainly at her. "Did you see a lot of the 'old stuff'?"

I giggled, knowing how Jasper had gone all teacher on Libby when, during a visit to the Met, had called the ancient artifacts 'old stuff'.

My daughter just rolled her eyes at him before launching into another lengthy account of all her actions during the week, this time paying extra attention to our visit to the Piti Palace, the main seat of Florence's powerful Medici family and it's royal apartments before turning to Alice as she changed into a detailed description of the ancient clothes in the costume gallery.

Libby knew her audience.

"And what's new here?" Esme asked after Libby had completed her recount of the last week. "Did anything special happen while we were away?"

"Well," Alice started hesitantly, her hand reaching out for Jasper, a small smile appearing on her lips as it found its purpose and the two of them wove together. "We kind of have some news of our own as well…."

"News?" Edward growled as he tensed up beside me. I had a feeling that, like me, he knew what piece of information that might be.

"Yes, news," Alice snapped, her eyes glaring at her brother in warning before growing softer again as she looked at Jasper. "Jasper and I have decided to give our relationship another try."

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"Ally, are you really sure about this?" I asked, helping my sister clear the table. I'd held my tongue throughout breakfast, knowing that lashing out wasn't going to solve anything, especially not when there were children present. "I mean…you don't have to do this."

"I know," she nodded. "But I love him, Edward. I _really_ love him."

"The son of a bitch broke your heart!" My words reverberated through the empty kitchen and could probably be heard even in the living room where said son of a bitch was currently hiding out. I couldn't find it in me to care, though. Now that we had the house to ourselves I didn't feel like holding back anymore, like I had done before at the breakfast table.

My parents had retired upstairs after lunch and Bella too had already gone to bed after seeing that Libby and Masen were settled in. It hadn't taken much effort to get the kids to take a nap though. Masen had already conked out in the car on our way back home and Libby had fallen asleep with her head against my shoulder as soon as she had finished her stack of chocolate chip pancakes. Only Jasper and Alice had stayed behind, my sister probably knowing that we needed to speak about her little announcement.

"He did," she admitted, her smile wavering for a second as she hopped onto the counter, "and I'd thank you very much not to refer to my boyfriend as a son of a bitch. There's no denying that it hurt like a motherfucker when he left me but it is all in the past now. He's the only man I ever loved and the only man I ever see myself loving. I've always know it in my heart…we belong together. He sees that now." The smile was back, turning slightly devious at some kind of private joke. "It was about bloody time too because I don't know how long I would have kept waiting for him to be ready."

"I still think you gave in too easily."

"Don't you think you're being a tad….oh, I don't know….sanctimonious, big brother?" she sneered. "After all, how long did it take you to welcome Bella back with open arms?"

"That is beside the point!" I argued.

"Is it?" she snorted, folding her hands underneath her chin in contemplation. "Please explain, because I had a hard time discerning the difference myself."

"Our situation was….more complicated," I started. "I mean, we had the kids to consider and all. And I was every bit as guilty in letting it come that far between us as she was. Probably even more so."

"True, but did you ever stop to consider that the absence of kids and evil ex-wives makes it easier for Jasper and I to get past our issues?"

"How?" I asked. "And I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear your remark about the ex-wives."

"The risk is smaller," Alice shrugged. "It's just my heart I'm gambling with here, not those of others depending on me."

"But it's a very valuable asset to just gamble away, Ally."

"I know," she sighed, "and please believe that I didn't take that gamble lightly. I know the stakes…I know the losses, but at the end of the day I also know that I can't ever be happy knowing that I could have fixed this but didn't."

"What if he bolts again? He did it one time, who's to say that he won't be heading back to that swamp of his the moment you two hit another rough patch?"

"He won't."

"What makes you so certain of that?" I knew I was fighting a lost battle here. Alice determined was an unshakable fortress and at this moment my sister seemed very determined in her quest to make her relationship with Jasper work.

"I know so." She sighed deeply, her hands fidgeting with her earrings before she worked up the courage to look at me, the determination in her eyes startling me as she spoke. "He asked me to marry him."

"What?" I cried out, anger slowly rising as her words sank in.

"Don't you start," she warned. "He asked me and I said yes. The only condition I made was that our engagement wouldn't be strung out any longer than absolutely necessary."

"Why?" I had to command every last bit of my self control to stop me from saying or doing things which would only have me end up at odds with most of my family.

"Really Edward?" she snorted. "You're asking me why I consented to marry him after everything I just told you?"

"Humor me."

She let out an exasperated sigh before she spoke. "I love him and I guess I could say it's as simple as that, but I know you're not going to be satisfied with just that." She looked at me, accepting the nod of my head with a wry smile before she continued. "With Jasper I feel a sense of security that I have never felt with anyone else…not even with mom and dad…and not even with you." She gave me an apologetic smile as she hopped down from the counter and walked towards me. "Jasper accepts me just the way I am and it calms me in a way no drug ever could…..I might not be book smart as you are or worldly and experienced like mom and dad, but I do know Jasper and I know he would not have asked me to marry him if he hadn't been absolutely sure about it."

She paused for a moment to see if she'd had me convinced yet, another small sigh escaping her lips when she realized she hadn't. "Jasper…..I guess you could say that to me what Bella is to you. He has my heart, my soul…my whole being and because of that he can hurt me like no other can. But at the end of the day, I will always give him the benefit of the doubt," A lonesome tear rolled down her cheek as she spoke, "because I can't see myself having any kind of happily ever after without him. Can you? Can you see yourself being happy with anyone else but Bella?"

"No," I grudgingly admitted. "And I do know how you're feeling."

"Do you?" she snorted. "You don't sound all that convincing."

"Maybe that's because I'm not at all convinced." I held up my hand to stop my sister from reacting before I had said my piece. "It's your life Alice, and I know you love the guy and think this is a good thing for the both of you but please think before you act. You might think that Jasper wants this just as much as you do, but how can you be sure that he's not doing this just for your sake? Are you really sure about this"

"Absolutely." The conviction was still there. It was in her voice, her eyes…in her whole tiny being. "Look, Jasper doesn't take marriage lightly. It's the way he is….you could call it old-fashioned, but with the example his parents set it doesn't really surprise me that he was in no great hurry to take the plunge."

"When is all this going to happen anyway?" I asked, changing the subject since the only accord we'd be able to reach was that we'd agree to disagree. "You said just now that you didn't want to wait."

"I don't," Alice shrugged. "Not for longer than a couple of weeks. We are planning to keep everything simple and small, just a few very close friends and family, nothing fancy."

"Nothing fancy? What happened to your dream wedding?" The anger was rising again. Alice had been dreaming of a lavish wedding and a huge puffy dress for as long as I knew her. The fact that she was throwing all of that away so that she could keep Jasper and his frosty feet from running away again before they'd tied the know was just wrong.

"It will still be my dream wedding," Alice defended herself. "It has always been my dream to get married. The only thing that has changed is that I don't see the need to rub it in every one's face anymore.

"Wise words," I snorted. I had always been very vocal in my response to Alice whenever she droned on about her elaborate plans, the saccharine romance of it all making me want to puke.

"I do have my moments," Alice snickered. "So do you think you can muster the common decency to at least plaster a fake smile on your face by then? Because I don't know if I want you there if you're just going to look like a big ole grump."

"I don't know, but I'll do my best." I tried to match her light tone but it was hard for me to make light of this situation. I sighed, knowing I owed her more than that. "I know you're sure about all of this and I also know that it's damn hard to argue with you when you've made up your mind….but please understand that I am not in quite as much of a hurry to forgive the guy than you seem to be. "

"I know."

"Do mom and dad even know you're engaged?" I growled. I still had a hard time wrapping my head around the speed with which Alice seemed to be moving.

She nodded. "Jasper asked dad for my hand in marriage, old-fashioned sap that he is. I think dad was a bit blown away by his request though," she chuckled, "I'd only told him we'd gotten back together a day or so before so you can imagine the shock when Jasper called him to ask permission to pop the question."

"But he still said yes," I growled.

"He did," Alice replied curtly.

"Wait, when did all of this happen?" I growled. If Carlisle had known Jasper was going to ask her the whole thing had to have taken place before my mom and dad joined us in Italy. And is Carlisle had known, I was sure Esme had known too. Had they been keeping secrets for me?

I shook my head in indignation. It all fell into place now…how my mom and dad hadn't seemed at all surprised when Alice and Jasper dropped their bomb onto our breakfast table, how I seemed to be the only one to be upset about it. Bella's quick acceptance of the news didn't surprise me since she had played a pivotal role in getting them back together, but mom and dad…..Of course they'd known. Why else had they reacted so stoically to the news that their cherished little girl was getting back with the son of a bitch who broke her heart?

"Calm it, Edward!" Alice hissed. "And before you go off on another pity party please consider that this is MY news, to be delivered just as I want. Yes, mom and dad knew of our engagement before they left for Italy. It all happened just before they flew out and when I told mom I begged her to keep this from you. For one because I wanted to be the one to tell you and secondly because I knew you were going to react like this and I didn't want to ruin your holiday."

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I'm really ruining this for you, aren't I?"

"No more than I expected you to," she snickered, surprising me by rising to tiptoe and placing a gentle kiss on my cheek. "I know this is your way of looking out for me, but please, don't make this any harder than it already is. I could really use your support in this."

"You have it," I muttered, pulling her into a hug.

"Even though I'm marrying Jasper?" She leaned back to look up to me, her eyes narrowing as she scrutinized my reaction.

"Of course!" I cried. "You stood by me when Bella and me got back together, even if you had kind of funky way of showing it. Now it's time for me to do the same thing for you."

"But you still haven't forgiven Jasper?"

"Have you forgiven Bella yet?" I countered. "And don't even think about lying to me. I saw the look on your face when she hugged you."

"I need a bit more time. And you're not answering my question," Alice snarled.

"You're not answering mine."

"I hate you!" It was a good thing I was still wearing shoes because when Alice stomped her foot it accidentally landed on mine.

For someone so small, she could sure pack a stomp.

"Fuck Alice!" I gasped, hopping up and down on my good foot until the pain started to ebb away. "You didn't have to torture me!"

"Truce?" she snickered apologetically, holding out her hand to me.

"Okay," I yawned as I shook it, the last forty-eight hours finally catching up with me.

"Go to bed, Edward," Alice chuckled, wriggling out of my arms. "I'm sure you'd rather be snuggling up to your wife than to your sister right now."

"So we're good?" I still didn't quite knew where I stood on this, but I wasn't prepared to let it damage my relationship with my sister. Life was too short to waste it arguments.

"Definitely," Alice nodded, "but will you promise me one thing?"

"Depends on what you're asking," I chuckled. I had learned early on not to make promises to the little pixie when you didn't know what she was going to demand.

"Only that you give Jasper a fair chance to redeem himself."

"I'll see what I can do," I sighed. "And I am happy for you, Alice. I know how badly you've wanted this and I hope it's going to be everything you ever dreamed off and more."

"Thank you." Her eyes were glassy again as I wrapped my arm around her and walked her towards the front door. "It means a lot to me to hear you say that…to get your blessing in a way. I know I didn't need it, but I'm very glad I have it all the same."

"You'll always have me in your corner, little hobbit," I chuckled, ruffling her hair as I handed her over to her fiancé, who had been watching the final act in our exchange with a fascination bordering on fear. I gave him a slight nod which, hopefully, told him I wasn't going to kill him right now but would reserve the privilege to do it any time in the future when he hurt her again. I'd leave it to Alice to fill him in on the finer details of our conversation.

"Edward Antony Cullen! If you ever have the fucking nerve to call me a hobbit again I will murder you in your sleep!" Alice huffed. "A hobbit indeed. Have you even seen these feet? They are small and don't have any hair on them!"

"Come on, sweetheart," Jasper chuckled, helping her into her coat. "Let's just go home. You'll have plenty of time to rail at your brother after he's had some rest."

"Thanks man!" I chuckled, watching as Alice's anger vanished like snow before the sun the moment she took his hand. It was like the whole world around her had suddenly eased to exist, leaving only the two of them.

"Any time," Jasper nodded without ever taking his eyes off my sister, not even when she broke eye contact with him to wish me a 'good night'.

I watched them walk down the street in the direction of Alice's apartment as I locked the front door, laughing and joking and being in love. They suited each other. Not in the way that they were completely on the same line or even close, but in the way that they were complete opposites of the circle but together created a perfect entity, like yin and yang.

Maybe they would make it after all.

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_**Love/ hate? Please let me know. Reviews are little nuggets of gold and I cherish them like Gollum cherishes the precious and Edward his shiny Alfa 8C Spider.**_


	39. A new chapter

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Many thanks to xparawhorextwerdx for fixing my grammar and holding my hand. Love ya!**_

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**A new chapter**

_**May – June 2010**_

"Daddy?" Libby's sweet angelic voice echoed through the shop. It was very deceiving. Very deceiving indeed. Judging by the sound of it you would have thought the voice belonged to the sweetest of girls, one of those girls who doted on her daddy and would do anything to make his last day off before he had to start the year that would shape the rest of his career the most enjoyable she could.

As often, appearances were much deceiving.

"Yes honey?" I groaned, trying to get the feeling back into my arms. "Did you try on the pink coat on yet?"

"No…" her voice sounded hesitant as her sweet face – a perfect match for her voice – peeked out from behind the dressing room curtain. "I was just thinking about something?"

"What is it, sweetheart?" I knew from here on it would be only minutes before I would find out what was bugging her. Libby was never one to keep a question bottled up for long. Or so we had thought….

Her revelations to Bella had shocked me. I'd always known there was a chance that our troubles hadn't passed by without her noticing it, but both Bella and I had trusted in her ever present openness and inquisitiveness. It had been a very bad mistake and one we had been trying to make up to her ever since.

"I was wondering…." Libby's voice broke me out of my thoughts.

"Yes."

"Where will all of the other sick people go now that you're only fixing people's hearts?"

I chuckled. Once again Libby had succeeded in amazing me with her quick wit. We had been talking about my new job and how it was different from my old one over lunch and apparently, it had stuck with her. "I will still get to fix some of them, so don't worry honey, but if I won't…the hospital has got other doctors who are far better at fixing them than I am."

"Impossible," Libby stated decidedly, stepping out of the tiny cubicle with her hands crossed in front of her chest, new coat candidate number fifteen or sixteen clinging to her slim frame, "you are the best doctor in the whole world. I know it and Amy said so too!"

"I'm touched, angel," I chuckled, wrapping her into a tight hug as I kissed the top of her head, "but there are other doctors out there who have much more experience than daddy have…and other skills too. I mean….if you'd hurt your head I am sure you'd be much better off if you let granddad look at it than if I did it."

"Hmm…" she seemed to ponder that for a while, fidgeting with the buttons of the coat she had tried on.

"How do you like that one?" I tried cautiously, dreading the answer because I knew that if this was another addition to the 'no' pile we'd probably be in here all day.

"I don't know," she sighed, her attention shifting from the medical world to the full sized mirror to her left. "I like the colors and I guess it fits….."

"It does, honey, and it suits you!" I nodded, shaking my head like one of those damned nodding dogs. I was beginning to get a bit more enthusiastic because – by God – it sounded like we were onto a winner here!

"….but I'm not sure about the buttons," Libby frowned, her fingers fidgeting with the huge white buttons that held the coat in space.

"The buttons?" I gasped. "You're rejecting a coat because you don't like the buttons?"

"Of course!" she growled back, the look on her face telling me that I'd gone from 'the best doctor in the world' to 'fashion retard' in less than five minutes. "Buttons are important daddy, especially if they are big ones like these." She rolled her eyes at me when she noticed, halfway through her explanation that I was still skeptic about the importance of the right button. "Just ask Aunt Alice."

"Right," I sighed, defeated, before continuing in a lower voice. "Like I'd ever do that. I'd be on the phone for half an hour getting lectured about the _history of the button_."

"What?" Libby asked, the narrowing of her eyes telling me she had heard every damn word.

"Nothing," I replied innocently. "And I guess you're right. Buttons are important." I felt like an idiot, saying that, but it wasn't anything new. It was how I had been feeling for most of the day.

It was my last day of freedom before I would start my career as a cardiac fellow tomorrow and, as I woke up this morning, I thought there would be no better way to spend it than with my daughter.

We'd gone through the traditional horse riding class earlier where Libby did all kinds of life threatening shit on horseback and while I watched, my hands leaving an imprint on the steel bar that divided the stands from the arena, before Bella suggested that I take our daughter into town for an afternoon of fun.

Of course, afternoon of fun had soon turned into 'daddy's personal hell' when it was also suggested that the buying of a new summer coat for Libby be included in said afternoon.

It was all we had been doing until now….

So far our efforts had resulted into four shopping bags filled to the brim with t-shits, skirts, pants and just about every other available item of clothing…except for a coat.

I had to say though, my daughter sure as hell had a stamina when it came to shopping for clothes. She had been in and out of just about every kid's clothing store in Manhattan and she still wasn't tired, whereas I was ready to crawl into a corner and fall into a dead sleep.

It was a godsend that I was expected to drop Libby off at Vanessa's – I still absolutely refused to call the poor kid 'Nessie'. I mean, who in their right mind would abbreviate their kid's name to the name of a fugly ass monster? – at six, which restricted the 'torture daddy time' to another two hours.

"Hmm," Libby did another turn in front of the mirror, posing like she was a model headed for the runway. "I do really like it, though. Perhaps if Aunt Alice could change the buttons….."

"I think she'd love to help you with that!" I chimed in enthusiastically. "I'm sure she can find you a bunch of buttons that are perfectly acceptable."

"Yes…." Libby narrow her eyes at the reflection in the mirror. "I _think_ I'll take this one."

I was on the brink of breaking out in a full orchestral version of Handel's _Hallelujah_, the only thing holding me back was the fact that nothing was safe before we'd actually paid for the dammed thing. I had learned that lesson the hard way about eight coats ago with the pale yellow coat with the dark brown buttons.

It went off without a hitch though. Libby changed back into her old coat, handed the pink one over to the sales assistant she had scared away when the poor woman had dared to meddle into her shopping experience and followed her to the cash register where the transaction was made only to laugh at me when there was a 'funny look' on my face when I was finally free from the clutches of my adorable nine year old fashionista.

"What are we going to do now, daddy?" Libby asked as I struggled under the weight of yet another bag added to the pile.

"I don't know….How about we go back to the car to put these bags away first? I'm sure we can think of something on our way there?"

"Okay," she chirped, skipping from one pavement stone to another.

The decision about how to spend the remainder of our day together was made soon. Only a look up in the sky above and we both knew it: the Empire State Building.

It had been an experience I had been dying to share with Libby ever since Bella had told me about it during our date, and now that I myself had some experience with the building under my belt I felt that I was ready to make the climb with my little girl.

It soon turned out just how much of an expert Libby was on the building, since as soon as we entered the downstairs foyer she started a lecture about just about everything about its build and the way it had stood empty for a long time during the Depression, when no one had any money to spend, especially not on luxury office space. She looked so much like Bella when she spoke, her hands gesticulating wildly and her eyes set in a serious yet fascinated tone that told you just how passionate she was about her subject.

"Hurry daddy!" she yelled as soon as I had bought the two of us tickets and we had gone though security, with Libby moving through the metal detectors like a pro while charming the pats off the bulky guards standing beside them while I looked on and almost got my brains blown out of my skull because of a nickel that had somehow slipped through the lining of my jacket.

Once the security guards had established that I wasn't a terrorist and Libby had vouched for me, we were underway again, Libby running half a yard in front of me in her impatience to get to the top.

"Easy there," I chuckled. "You don't want to fall and break your legs, do you? It would be a shame if we couldn't get to the top because of that."

She gave me her 'don't be such a smartass' frown as she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the elevator. "I won't fall. Now MOVE!"

The lift operator was barely able to hide his amusement as he watched us, Libby getting more bouncy as the lift started to shoot up through the building until we reached our destination, changed into the next lift and rose all the way up to the observation deck.

"Let's see if we can spot our home from here!" I suggested as we stepped out, the clear, blue sky greeting us before the skyline of New York slowly started taking shape around us.

"Good idea!" Libby cried, grabbing my hand again and dragging me around the deck until we had reached the right position.

We spend about half an hour going from one side of the building to the next while mapping out the city in front of us. It was funny how it was so different and yet so similar to the visit I had made with my wife. Both experiences were amazing; the romance and sense of achievement I had felt standing here with Bella tucked into my side being equally precious to me as the laughs and memories shared with my little girl.

I couldn't wait coming up here with Masen in a few years. What would my little guy think of the place?

"Do we really have to go, daddy?" Libby pouted as I announced that we should get underway to Vanessa's if we wanted to make our drop-off time.

"I'm afraid so, peanut," I sighed, hoisting her down from the little step she was standing on. "But then again…who knows what kind of fun stuff Vanessa and her mom have planned for tonight and tomorrow?"

"I guess you're right," she sighed as we walked back into the building, her hand still in mine. "I had fun, though daddy."

"So did I, sweetheart," I smiled. "We are going to have to make this a regular feature from now on. Though I could do without the shopping trip next time." I laughed out loud, watching Libby smirk at my reluctance to go shopping with her again. "I know you'd probably much rather go shopping with your Aunt Alice since she actually likes that stuff and I…don't. We could make it a monthly thing….visit all the sights in the city, just the two of us. What do you think?"

"I'd like that." Her smile beamed at me all the way down before the name of one of the companies that held office space in the building remembered her of something that had happened in school last week and she started rattling off about some king she had learned about in history class.

It was too quiet when I found myself alone in the car again, after having dropped Libby off at her friend's house. I knew that would be over soon though….

Unfortunately, my day of alone time with my daughter had been planned all too well, since Masen had been feeling a bit under the weather since yesterday. At first we had thought that it was just the next step in the teething process but when he had spiked a fever this morning we'd both been worried.

When we got back from Libby's riding class our GP had been by and – thank heavens – he'd agreed with my initial assessment that it was just the worst of luck for our little boy to have caught a cold at the same time a few more of his teeth had started cutting through his gums. Nothing to get too overly worried about, but still enough to make our boy feel miserable, especially since he had no idea of what the hell was going on.

All was quiet, though, when I entered the house, causing me to release a huge breath of air I had been holding all the way from the car to the front door. "Bella?" I kept my voice as low as possible, knowing that yelling would probably not be appreciated right now.

"Shhh," Bella warned me as soon as I stepped into the living room.

I looked over to see Masen lying asleep, his frame stretched out over the seat and his head resting in her lap. "Is he feeling any better?"

"A bit, I think," Bella sighed, smoothing a lock of his hair behind his ear. "At least his temperature is going back to normal again and he's stopped crying…though I don't know if that is because the pain has stopped or because he's simply too exhausted to cry anymore."

"I guess this means our plans for tonight are off?" I smiled, watching as Bella continued to stroke Masen's hair as he slept soundly and steadily.

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I know this is your last night before you have to get back to work and…"

"Don't be," I interrupted her. "I know you wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself tonight if we did go out, and neither would I, not with our son sick at home." She gave me a small, grateful smile before returning her attention to our sun. "Did you call Rose and Emmett?"

"Not yet. I wanted to wait until you got back before I cancelled our plans."

"I'll do it now," I offered. It was sweet of Bella to have waited until I got back to cancel our plans, but really, what would she have expected me to do? Drag her off for a romantic dinner when her heart would be at home, with Masen? I didn't want to leave his side any more than she did and I sure as hell didn't want to dump him at his Uncle and Aunt's right now. "And I'll order a pizza while I'm at it. I take it you haven't had dinner yet either?" It was a rhetorical question since I knew full well that Bella probably hadn't left Masen's side for more than a bathroom break all day.

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I would have let Rose take him if he had been better but…I just don't want to leave him right now."

"I know, love," I assured her, kissing her head as I rose to my feet again. "And – once again – don't worry." I hunched down in front of her so that I could see her face. I needed to know for sure that my words would have the desired effect. "I think I actually prefer staying in tonight. I'll be gone more than enough starting tomorrow anyway. A quiet night in will suit me just fine."

"I love you," she sighed, leaning her forehead against mine.

"I know honey," I chuckled. "But I love you more."

"Impossible," she giggled, winking at me as I disappeared into the study to make my calls.

She was still in exactly the same spot I had left her in when I came back, Masen still softly snoring in her lap, though she had somehow managed to drape a comforter around his little body. "Did you make the call?"

"Yep. The pizza will be here in ten minutes and Emmett sends his commiserations."

"I bet he didn't actually use that word!" she snickered.

"True, his words were a bit more….colorful," I chuckled, remembering how Emmett's words had been laced with a few expletives here and there, "though he did say that we were welcome to drop him off any time if we wanted to reschedule our date."

"Hmm, I bet that's out of the question for now," she gave me a supportive smile though I knew that her feelings about me getting back to work were every bit as mixed as mine were.

I sighed. "I'm afraid so." I knew that the first couple of weeks were going to be vital in establishing myself as a future hotshot in cardiology as opposed to merely a promising resident and unfortunately that meant that I was going to have to put in a lot of hours at the hospital. It had me asking a whole lot of Bella's understanding and acceptance once again. I did hope I would do a better job at making that up to her this time around though….

"Stop it, Edward," Bella's voice cut sharply through my thoughts.

"Huh?" I looked up to see her frowning with dissatisfaction.

"You're doing it again," she hissed under her breath. "You're starting to blame yourself for something that hasn't actually happened!" She snorted at my expression which no doubt looked busted. "Don't you think that actually this time we might be able to pull it off?"

"You really think so?"

"You don't?" she turned serious again, her brown eyes gazing inquisitively into mine.

"I don't know." I sat down on the table in front of her. "It's not like I don't have faith in us, or in you….it's myself I don't trust." I dragged my hand through my hair, carefully avoiding Bella's eyes. I knew that if I did catch them there would be disappointed. Over the last couple of weeks I had tried to work on all of my self-loathing issues but it was proving to be more difficult than I thought. "I know. I know….I need to have trust in myself and my ability to learn from the mistakes I have made in the past but it's just….I don't know if I can stop myself from getting too wrapped up in work again."

"But do you trust me to keep you in check?" Bella asked calmly.

"Absolutely."

"Then we won't screw this up again." She held up her hand before I could say something. "I know we've had this discussion before and I know that, no matter what I say or do, you will still have your doubts and fears but honey, you have to take a leap of faith here with me. We are going to make this work and if one of us is going to hit a snag along the way _w_e are going to sit down and talk about it until everything is settled. We are NOT going to make the same mistakes again. You are not going to let yourself do that and even if you do…I sure as hell won't stand by and let you this time."

"Yes ma'am," I chuckled, completely knocked over by the strength my sweet and normally so timid wife showed.

"Just so you know it." She gave me a firm nod, daring me to doubt her.

Which I didn't. Not just because my dear wife would kill me if I did, but because I was finally starting to believe.

This was going to work. We _were_ going to be alright.

For a while we just sat there, both of us silent as we watched our sleeping son and just reveled in the strength of the bond between us. Too soon the silence and peace was disturbed by the sounding of the doorbell.

"Why don't I take Masen upstairs and draw you a bath while you eat?" I suggested.

"That would be wonderful," Bella beamed, handing our son over to me. "I could really use one. My muscles are giving me hell from being in the same position for so long and I feel like I've gotten snot all over me."

"Nice visual," I chuckled. "Try remembering that when you tuck into the pepperoni with extra cheese."

"Yuck!" Her nose scrunched up in the cutest way as she walked with me into the foyer. "Shame on you. Mister Cullen, for making me lose my appetite!"

"And how, fair lady, do you intend to punish me for that?" I quipped, waggling my eyebrows at her.

"You'll find out soon enough," she snickered, punching me in the shoulder as she went to answer the doorbell while I moved up the stairs.

Masen was still out for the count, never even waking up when I wriggled his tiny body underneath his blankets and making sure he had everything he needed. It was a good thing, since a good night's sleep would make him get better much faster.

Plus, it would allow me to spend some quality time with my wife.

I went to work on the bathroom as soon as I was done, filling the huge garden tub with the scented bubbly stuff Bella seemed to like so much, lighting candles and setting a romantic scene so that she could relax after her day of taking care of our sick child and, hopefully, allow me to take care of her.

"Aren't you hungry?" Bella's sweet voice startled me as I put the finishing touches to the décor.

"Not for food, love," I answered, giving her that half-smile that was guaranteed to get her in the right mood. Of course, my body decided right there and then to betray me, my stomach growling as soon as the scent of pizza hit my nose.

"I figured you might be," she chuckled, offering the box up to me. "I thought we might as well have dinner over here. I even brought the wine."

"I knew there was a reason I married you," I chuckled, giving her a quick kiss before scooping up a slice from the box and devouring it.

"And here I was thinking you actually like me for my brain!" she pouted, her pout soon changing into a huge grin as she watched my jaw drop to the floor when she started to strip out of her clothes.

No matter how many times I'd seen her naked, the sight of her body as it slowly started to reveal itself to me still had the same effect. It called to me in a sweet siren's song that couldn't not be ignored… as if I ever wanted to. My reaction to her was like a second nature, each inch of skin adding fuel to the fire that started to rage within me.

"I see how it is…." Bella chuckled, her eyes raking down my chest to the bulge that had started to grown inside my pants. "Down boy! If you promise to behave… maybe I'll invite you to join me."

"Bella…." I begged.

"Yes darling?"

"Please, let me join you. Let me take care of you."

"Well," she mused, the lights of the candles dancing in her eyes as they rested on me, "I guess if you ask me so nicely……."

"Finally!" I muttered, staring to tear the clothes of my body. I couldn't get in there fast enough.

"And pour me a glass of wine while you're at it," she chuckled, "I'd do it myself but then I'd get all cold…"

"In a minute, love," I panted, almost breaking my neck in my hurry to get rid of my pants.

"Take your time."

And that we did.

We took our time showing one another how much we loved each other, each touch and caress a celebration of our love and the progress we'd made since January.

**xXx**

It was that same love that made me feel uncharacteristically self-assured when I walked back into the hospital the next day, ready for my first shift as a cardiothoracic fellow. Bella had been right. It was of no use to worry about things that hadn't even happened yet, especially not when – all things considered – my new job would hardly be any different from my previous one.

When had Bella become so strong and wise? Once again her calmness and reason had saved my sorry ass from ruining what was supposed to be an important step in my career, something to look forward to, not cower away from like a fucking wimp!

"Hey there buddie!" I jumped when a huge hand landed on my shoulder, my mind needing a few moments to recognize the voice belonging to the hand. "How was your trip to Italy? Had fun?" The waggling of his eyebrows left no uncertainty as to what kind of fun he was referring to.

"I did, actually," I chuckled. "How have you been? Busy?"

"No more than I can handle," he shrugged. "And with my Katie working all hours at the women's shelter I'm kind of glad to keep myself busy if you know what I mean?"

I nodded. Garrett had never been one to sit around home alone. "How is Kate?"

"She's peachy, especially now that she's found a new calling," Garrett beamed.

" Good." I could only begin to imagine how hard it must have been for Kate to stand by while Garrett went off to work every day, knowing that were it not for Irina, she would have joined him. To see your whole future and years of hard work go up in smoke like that…it had to be terrible.

It had actually been Esme who got the ball rolling on Kate's career change. Somehow during the time they spend together when Esme was staying with us my mom's long-standing involvement in charity in general and women's shelters in particular had been mentioned and the next thing we knew Kate was suddenly heavily involved in a shelter for abused women in New York and had enrolled into NYU to get a degree in counseling. How quickly things could change….

It was a relief to me, though, to see my friend so focused end determined again. She was going to be great at her new career – I just knew it - though I hoped the same could be said for Garrett.

"How about you?" I felt another pang of guilt when I thought about how my victory had caused Garrett's career to take a severe blow.

"Now, don't go looking all guilty on me," Garrett chuckled. "I actually have some good news."

"You do?"

"Yep," Garrett snickered. "Turns out Wilson was very impressed with my work on the myxosarcoma that he offered me a spot on his team as a surgical oncologist. I start today, just like you."

"That's great, Gar!" I called, patting him on the back. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks!" he beamed. "So while you're busting your sorry ass for a measly pay up in cardiology, I get paid the big bucks as a regular on the team. I guess a thank you is in order because if it weren't for you beating my ass, I would have been the poor schmuck doing all the hard work!"

"You just wait," I snorted. "In another year I'll be hailed in as the new messiah of cardiothoracic surgery with my own office and assistant and making the big bucks while you are still a humble little surgeon taking orders."

"Oooh!" Garrett teased. "Look who's gone and gotten too big for his own boots over summer!"

"Piss off!" I growled, flipping the bird at him as the doors of the elevator opened on the good old eight floor, our usual hunting ground, and we went our separate ways.

"You know you love me, Cullen!" He called after me, a few people looking up to see what the commotion was all about.

"In your dreams, lover boy!" I yelled back, smiling apologetically at the patients who were no doubt still wondering what the hell was going on.

All too soon I found myself standing in front of a very familiar door; the one that led to the outer office of the Chief of Surgery, my boss and supervisor. "Ah, doctor Cullen," Gianna, the new secretary smiled. "You can go in, Doctor Shepherd is waiting for you."

Shepherd had been quick to replace the old, sourly one for someone who didn't suck the 'friendly' out of the air so much. He told me the old one had given him the creeps from minute one.

He sure as hell wasn't the only one.

"Thanks!" I muttered, desperately trying to remember everything Bella had said to me last night. This day wasn't going to be a breaking point; there would be no new Era or even a new starts.

Just a new chapter.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

_**June 2010**_

Time had a tendency to fly by when life was good. It was a strange thing, really. Only a couple of months ago I would have given everything to have my days move as fast as they seemed to be moving right now but when I had spend my days in misery, holed up in my brother's spare bedroom, the hours had seemed to stretch on and on and my days had seemed like an eternity.

So much had happened since then, so much good.

For Edward, the first couple of days of going back to work and getting back into the hectic hospital schedule had been tense. He had been on edge 24/7, making sure he was doing his job and impressing his supervisors while still making sure he was home with me and the kids as often as possible.

It had been killing him.

I sighed when I remembered how that had been the first time I had had to remind him of the conversation we'd had a couple of months ago. He'd known deep down inside that his tendency to always want to be perfect at everything he did was slowly but surely getting in the way of us – and mostly himself – but for some reason he had been unable to resist falling back into his old pattern.

Which was where I came in, with a little help from the doctors Crane and Moon, of course.

It had been an important moment for us, Edward admitting his set-back, me speaking up and forcing him to listen to me and both of us communicating and reaching a mutual decision. It was the first real test of our abilities to learn from the past, and we'd passed it with flying color.

We'd been so proud of ourselves we'd hardly left the bedroom during the following weekend. I never knew success could make you feel so…horny.

Things had gone much better after that. We had decided that for now, Edward's job and the hours he had to put in took the front seat before he would be able to settle into a more steady rhythm and schedule. The first couple of weeks starting a new job were very important and I knew how much Edward had riding on this fellowship. If this went well for him, his future would be made. With the reputation the _Douglass Ross Fellowship_ had built up over the twenty or so years it had been in existence, he could pretty much work at every hospital he wanted after this.

If he did a good job at it, that was.

Not that I would completely ignore my own needs though, nor those of the children. A few moments during the week were holy. The first being Libby's riding lessons which Edward had vowed to attend as often as his work allowed him and if he didn't he made it up to her by spending another afternoon just with her. The second being our date night.

It had actually been a suggestion by Doctor Moon, but it was one we were more than happy to take on board. It was so simple…just one night every week – which one depending on Edward's schedule - that we got to spend as a couple. No Work. No kids. No nothing.

Just us.

We didn't have to do anything fancy. Most of the nights we just hung out at home, snuggled up in front of the television or sharing some elaborate piece of takeout Edward had picked up on his way back, or did something simple while Jasper and Alice or Emmett and Rosalie babysat our babies.

It was strange, how something as simple as that could save us from making the same mistakes again, but it did. The nights we spend together allowed us to keep some of the connection we'd rebuilt in Italy alive while also allowing us time to communicate without having to worry about what the kids might pick up or without having them interrupt us.

Not that we'd had any really pressing matters to address until now. Nope, mostly we'd kept our lips employed otherwise. Tonight, however, was a whole different matter. ..

Tonight my sister in law celebrated the fact that in a week she would say goodbye to singlehood to become Mrs. Jasper Whitlock.

I still couldn't get used to the thought – Jasper married – though I could see how happy he was now that he and Alice were back together. It had given him the peace of mind he had been craving, the peace to stop and find out what he wanted with his life. Not that their reunion had been all sunshine and roses, though – far from it – not with two people as stubborn as those two.

I shook my head, recalling a few of the tense moments – most of them having to do with the wedding and who would pay for it – of the last couple of weeks as I walked up the stairs to my former home. It was strange, being back here. Everything was still the same as when I left it, now almost three years ago. The carpet was still an indefinable shade of brown, the walls a faded eggshell white and the doors still held the same names to them. All but one.

"Bella!" Alice squealed, launching herself at me as soon as she opened the door.

"Hey, Alice," I managed to wheeze while trying to wiggle my way out of the little pixie's chokehold. Obviously I was behind on my drinking. A sober Alice would not have gotten all touchy feely with me, not after what happened between us. But hey, it wasn't like I was complaining. It was better than getting slapped across the face.

"Come in, come in," she urged, grabbing my hand and tugging me into the apartment. "We were just getting started and Rosalie was getting all grumpy on me because I refused to serve her anything solid until you'd arrived."

"It's a miracle you're still alive," I snorted, knowing how a pregnant, hungry Rose was more dangerous than a pack of hungry wolves.

True to form Alice had decided against the traditional kind of hen-night with clubs and dancing and maybe a few nearly naked male strippers here and there, claiming clubs had long ago stopped being as fun as they used to be and that the only naked ass she ever wanted to ogle was Jasper's and she didn't feel like sharing his behind with anyone else.

And thank God for that.

Instead, Alice had planned a lingerie-party at her house, claiming no woman – not even her own mother – could ever have enough skimpy lingerie in her underwear drawer.

"I know," Alice giggled. "I was half afraid she was going to eat _me_ if you didn't show up soon." She rolled her eyes before the smile that no one had been able to wipe off her face for the last couple of days settled back onto her features. "But you're here now. Come on! Let's celebrate my impending nuptials!"

"Impending nuptials? Have you been reading the New York Times again?" I sniggered.

"Shut up!" she growled. "You're as bad as Edward! I swear, you're beginning to act more and more like him!"

"He says hi, by the way," I chuckled. "Or, at least, he instructed me to tell you that this morning. I'm sure that at this very moment he's uttering all kinds in incomprehensible surgeon speak."

"Hmmm," Alice mused. "He has to work tonight?"

"Yes?" I had learned to fear my sister in law when she went into pensive-mode. No good had ever come of it.

"Interesting…." She muttered, the gleam of evil shining up at me. "We'll have to keep that little treasure of information in mind for later."

"Finally!" Rose groaned as soon as she spotted us coming into the living room. "I was beginning to think you were torturing me on purpose!"

"And why would I do that?" I chuckled, giving her an awkward one-armed hug now that her belly was getting in the way. "How is my little niece doing today?"

"She's hungry," Rose growled, glaring at Alice who was still standing next to me before molding her face back into a serene smile as she rubbed her baby bump. "But other than that she's doing great." Rose had been over the moon that she and Emmett were having a girl this time. She had always wanted a little girl to love and cherish, much unlike her parents had done with her. She had been cherished alright, only to be paraded around like a prize brooding mare as soon as her beauty had become apparent.

And as for Emmett….he was equal parts excited and scared out of his wits at welcoming a baby girl into his family. Excited because little girls according to him were 'cute as fuck' and a little girl with Rose's blond hair and blue eyes and his dimples was going to 'rule the world', scared because – according to my dear brother – little boys were all perverted, horny little rats and if any one of them ever even so much as thought of sullying his as of yet unborn child, he was going to kill them with his bare hands.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch!" Alice hissed back, bringing me back into the here and now. "I'm getting the food right now, okay?"

"Settle down, girls," Esme chuckled. "Hello Bella."

"Esme!" My mother in law had been over at Alice's all day to make some final preparations for the wedding. She had flown in earlier this week to spend some time with us before the wedding, alone, since Carlisle couldn't be spared from the hospital any longer than necessary. I knew it must be hard on her, the constant absence from either her husband or her children and grandchildren. "Did you get everything done today?"

"Almost," Esme chuckled. "We would have finished everything days ago if _someone_," she shook her head at the kitchen door Alice had disappeared behind, " hadn't been so incredibly picky."

"I heard that, mother," Alice huffed, her small frame almost made invisible by a huge tagine pot from which the most wonderful flavors reached our nose. "And it's my wedding, and the only one I'll ever have, I hope, so I'm allowed to be picky."

"Are we going Moroccan tonight?" Rose asked, eying the cone-shaped dish as if it held the crown jewels.

"We are," Alice squealed. "I found this wonderful little place the other day when I was scouting for some ethnic jewelry . They basically deliver this whole thing readymade. The only thing you have to do is keep it warm until you're ready to eat."

"So you didn't make this yourself?" A girl I remembered as one of Alice's assistants asked.

"Of course not," Alice snorted. "Do I look like I can pull off something like this? I can hardly boil an egg without setting the kitchen on fire." She twirled back into the kitchen after that to get the bread and a few dishes of salads and other side dishes to go with the chicken stewed in various fragrant herbs and spices.

We all sat around the coffee table on huge pillows Alice had spread out for us while we ate, talked and joked. A few of Alice's employee's were there as well, though I could see they weren't so much employee's as friends and even though I normally shied away from everything fashionista, I could see why. They were lovely young women, not as snooty and brand-minded as many others I had encountered.

With Alice's business still booming which, given the credit crunch, was no small achievement, she'd had to take on a few extra sets of hands, especially after Rose got pregnant again. It was something she'd resisted hand and foot, preferring to control everything herself and make sure everything was done to her own, ridiculously high standards, but in the end she couldn't keep up anymore. Not even Alice, for all her speed, was able to be in two places at the same time.

It turned out to be one of the best decisions she'd ever made. The time freed by hiring a few assistants gave her the breathing space to develop new ideas and spend some more time with Jasper and her family and having to direct other people and streamline everything had forced her to mature and be more focused and serious, something we'd all reaped the benefits from.

When everybody had had their share of the wonderful food we got to the main event: the lingerie party. And boy, Alice wasn't kidding when she'd said that it was her aim to kit everyone out in sexy underwear before the night was over.

There was more lace and satin lying on the table in front of us than I had ever seen in my life, and considering that most of the items didn't consist of that much fabric, that was saying something….

"God bless you, Alice Cullen," Rose gasped, as she rifled through pile of maternity underwear that Alice must have included just for her. "You have no idea how long I've been searching for some sexy maternity things to sex Emmett up in!"

"Just doing my job," Alice snickered, her pride at Rose's compliments evident on her face.

"Really," Rose had the glow of a woman in love as she carefully inspected one set after another, "you have no idea how happy I am with these...I thought I was going crazy from all the bland, boring granny panties and plain bra's I've seen so far. Apparently underwear designers think your urge for sex stops the minute you get pregnant…." She let out a loud snort. "It's obvious they have never been pregnant themselves or they would have known that sex only gets better once you're in your second trimester…Don't you think Bella?" She let out a evil snicker as she watched my cheeks go from slightly pink to electric red.

"Yes…?" It came out more like a question than as an actual answer.

"You're so right, Rosalie," Esme chuckled. "I swear, when I was pregnant with Alice, Carlisle was the one faking headaches at a certain point. I had worn the poor man out!"

"Ewww! Mom!" Alice gasped, both she and me looking on with open mouth as Rose high-fived my mother in law.

"Way to go Mrs. C!" Rose giggled.

"Yes, well….ehm…." Esme stuttered, her cheeks turning pink as she fidgeted with a pair of sky blue cheekies lying on the table in front of her. "It was a long time ago….."

"So?" Rose shrugged, still unable to hide her amusement. "You're not going to tell me you and Doc C don't get it on, do you? I mean…the guy is fucking gorgeous! I would, if I were married to him."

"Rose," Alice pleaded. "Please stop…it's my mom and dad you're talking about here."

"And you don't want them to have a happy, healthy sex life?" Rose snorted. "I would if they were my folks."

"I'm not saying they can't have any," Alice grumbled. "I'm just saying that as far as I'm concerned I prefer to believe that I was immaculately conceived, thank you very much, and I don't like having my nose rubbed into the fact that I wasn't."

"No, you definitely weren't," Esme chuckled under her breath while taking another sip from her glass of white wine before continuing in a louder tone. "But let's change the subject, before my dear daughter passes out with mortification."

We diverted our attention back to the pile of lingerie in front of us after that, each of us rifling through the stack in search of something we liked, which wasn't very difficult. If there was one thing Alice could it was shopping.

And she did have excellent taste – even I had to admit that – though her idea of sexy sometimes was a bit more in-your-face than I would choose for myself.

"Oh my…" I gasped under my breath as I found a beautiful black lace set of bra, thong and matching garter belt.

"I've got stockings to go with that, if you want to try it on…" I almost shot to the ceiling as I heard Alice's voice behind me.

"Thanks…." I muttered, no doubt looking like a scared little rabbit.

"Don't mention it," Alice snickered. "I know you'd like those…Edward does have a thing for garters after all…."

"He does." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself and fleeing into the bathroom to try the frilly little things on was all I could do to escape the barrage of giggles that had emitted because of them. Even Esme had been in on them….

When I walked out of the bathroom, dressed in next to nothing but feeling strange confident about it because – even I had to admit it – the underwear looked pretty decent on me, I found out what Alice had been planning earlier tonight when she found out Edward was at work.

"Wha…." I groaned, blinking my eyes as a bright flashlight blinded me for a moment.

"Edward is going to have a heart attack when he sees this!" Alice squealed, Rose standing right behind her with a grin so wide it would have split her face into two parts as Alice fidgeted with her phone.

"Oh no," I gasped. "Tell me you didn't!"

"I just did," she grinned. "Wanna see the picture I just sent?"

"No!" I shook my head furiously, wanting nothing more in this moment than to crawl into a corner and forget this ever happened.

"Don't feel bad about it, Bella," Esme chuckled as I re-emerged, patting the space on the sofa next to her. "I'm sure Edward is going to be a very happy man when he sees the picture Alice just send him. The black satin looked very good on you."

"Thanks," I muttered, wanting nothing more than to have the center of attention away from me.

Fortunately Mandy and Jenna, Alice's assistants, chose that exact same moment to launch into a discussion about the necessity of foundation underwear when wearing a form-fitting dress against the fact that, try as they might, no designer had ever succeeded at making a sexy pair of control briefs. It was a conversation I had no intention of joining, even if I had known what the hell they were talking about.

"So," Rose started after a couple of moments of groping through the stack of underwear. "How did the two of you come to a decision about taking the plunge? Last thing I heard you couldn't even agree on the color green, let alone take a steps as big as this…."

"I know," Alice chuckled. "I think the night we slept together was a start…."

"Ya think?" Rose snorted.

"Shut up!" Alice growled, attempting to hit Rosalie with a bra.

"Thanks," Rose snickered, "but if you think I can push my boobs into this tiny little thing then you're not as great a stylist as I thought you were."

"Here, take this," Alice barked, changing the bra for another. "You know how we were spending some time together, right?"

"Quality time, you mean?" I snickered, remembering Alice's confession the day before Easter.

"I'm proud of you Bella!" Rose cooed, ruffling my hair. "You managed a double entendre all on your own!"

"Good for her," Alice grumbled, barely hiding her own amusement this time. "Anyway….we were slowly starting to get through our issues and all, until one night at fucking three AM I wake up to the god-awful sound of my doorbell and when I open the door it's Jasper, drunk as a skunk leaning against the doorway." She sighed, shaking her head at the memory. "So I ask him what he's doing and he just walks up to me and says 'baby, you know I'm miserable without you, please just give me another chance. I want to marry you." Alice had Jasper's southern drawl down to a 't' as she stood there in front of us.

"And you said yes?" Rose snorted.

"Of course I didn't!" Alice hissed. "What the hell do you take me for? I kicked him in the shins and told him to try again when he wasn't drunk!"

"Wait a minute!" I gasped. "Jasper tried to propose to you when he was drunk?"

"Yeah. And he did again the next morning when he was hung-over."

"And then did you say yes?" I asked.

"What do you take me for?" Alice asked. "I'm not some cheap ass street crawler who thinks stale booze and vomit residue are sexy or something. I told him to get his ass out of my apartment, rent _Serendipity_, watch the proposal scene and not come back before he got the message."

"Good girl!" Rose praised. "So I take it he got the message?"

"He did," Alice beamed, her eyes getting the faraway glassy look of a girl who's revisiting a particularly good memory. "So one day I get back from work to find a note on my front door telling me to go up to the roof and when I get there the whole place is swimming in candlelight and there are roses everywhere…well, except for a small patch in the middle where Jasper was waiting for me with the most wonderful dinner you could imagine."

"I bet I know what he left for desert!" Rose snorted, waggling her eyebrows at Alice.

"We saved that for after, thank you very much," Alice growled. "As I was saying….We had this amazing dinner and of course I knew what was coming up and all, I mean…how obvious could it be…So imagine my surprise when, after the chocolate mousse, Jasper gets up from his chair and asks me if I'm ready to go down to the apartment again."

"What did you do?" Mandy asked.

"I asked him if he didn't forget something but that was just about all I could do," Alice chuckled. "I mean, I couldn't very well ask him when he was planning to ask me to marry him."

"So then you just went downstairs?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Quietly?" Rose had her eyebrows arched all the way up to her hairline.

"Just about," Alice giggled. "I was so confused…especially when Jasper said goodbye to me at my door and left me, just like that, with nothing but a kiss and a single red rose. I swear, when I went inside I didn't know if I should be happy that he went through all that trouble just to have a romantic dinner together or kick his ass for getting my hopes up like that!"

"And then what?" Esme chimed in. Apparently Alice hadn't filled her in on the finer details of Jasper's proposal either.

"I went into my room to get changed only to find a small Tiffany box lying on my pillow." Alice's eyes turned glassy and faraway again as a collective 'awwww' resounded through the room. "I know…" Alice swooned. "And then when I finally opened the box Jasper was standing behind me. Turns out he still had his key to the apartment and he used it to sneak up on me."

"And then he asked you?"

"He did," Alice nodded. "Got down on one knee and all."

"That's so romantic!" Jenna sighed. "I wish Riley would ever think of a think like that!"

"With the a gentle nudge in the right way, he just might," Alice snorted. "Remember, if Jasper had his way I would have married him when he was drunk as a skunk and minutes away from throwing up all over the living room."

"Men!" Rose growled.

The rest of the evening passed much in the same way, with each of us regaling the others with stories about the men in our lives, some romantic, some entertaining and some downright scandalous…most of those coming from Rose and Alice and providing me with information about my brother and my best friend I really did not want to know.

Esme was one of the first ones to leave which, I thought, had something to do with the fact that, as Alice ingested more wine, her willingness to share some of the details about her sex life increased exponentially.

In the end, only Rose, my designated driver, and me were left to help Alice clean up before we went home ourselves.

"Wait, Bella,' Alice spoke softly, her voice barely registering above a whisper. She looked at Rose who nodded and went on head before Alice continued. "Before you go….I owe you an apology."

"An apology? Why?"

"For the way I acted when you and Edward were trying to work through your issues," she explained. "I might have had the best of intentions in protecting my brother but that didn't give me the right to lecture you on love when I couldn't even keep my own relationship with Jasper from turning into a hot mess." She sighed deeply before she looked up at me and continued. "I was wrong to doubt your love for my brother. I see that now."

I stood completely baffled. I had never thought I would hear those words coming from my sister in law, not unless…. "Did Edward put you up to this?"

"No!" she pouted. "I recognize my own mistakes, thank you very much."

"I'm sorry," I smiled. "And I accept your apology but only if you accept that Edward and I will at times have our difficulties and, though it may be very hard, you have to allow us to work through them together."

"I know," she sighed. "If there's one thing the last couple of weeks have taught me, it is that relationships as very hard to keep alive. They need constant work and attention if you want to make them into a success….and Jasper and I don't even have kids yet. I can imagine that makes it much harder."

"Let's just forget about our past differences and start afresh?" I suggested.

"I'd like that." Alice nodded, seeming much smaller than she was at that moment.

"Goodnight, Alice," I chuckled, giving her a hug because, God knew, she looked like she needed it.

"Goodnight, Bella," Alice replied, returning the hug, "though with the picture we just send, I have no doubt that it will be a _very_ good night for you."

I chuckled, feeling my cheeks heat up at her words. But, with Edward's shift ending in just a few hours, she may just have been right……

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_**I guess Bella is in for quite a night. ;-)**_

_**Snif. Only one more chapter and an epilogue after this. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye to these characters but I am very happy to start posting new work. **_

_**Love? Hate? Please let me know.**_


	40. Alice in Wonderland

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_**Pictures of all female clothing and locations mentioned in this chapter can be seen found on the twilighted thread. You can find a direct link to it on my author's page. **_

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**Alice in wonderland**

_**June 2010**_

"Bel-la." If I had thought his voice sounded good when he was talking, Edward's singing voice was n a whole different level. A different level of sexy, especially when you took into account the fact that we were both in bed and his body, clad in only a pair of boxers, was pressed up against mine. "Are you awake?" He shifted, his arousal very apparent against my backside as he moved.

As if I needed to feel _that_ to know what his intentions were. Silly man….the tone of his voice alone was a dead giveaway.

"I am now," I chuckled. "But wasn't that the point?"

"Hmm," he purred, a low moan rising up in my throat as he started to alternately kiss, nibble and lick the soft skin between my ear and my collarbone, the light scruff on his chin tickling my skin. "I think you've got me there."

My mind clouded over with lust as I felt one of his hands sneak underneath the fabric of my tank top. "Edward…." I warned, my body betraying itself though as my skin broke out in goose bumps in anticipation of his touch, as I knew it would. I had long ago accepted that when it came to my body, I was nothing but a willing instrument, waiting to be played by the master.

"Yes, my love?"

I moaned as his hand found the hardened skin of my nipple, his fingers flicking and caressing the tender skin, my body involuntary arching back, grinding into him offering itself up as a defenseless sacrificial lamb. "Time…" I manage to pant. "How late is it?"

"Early," he chuckled, knowing that whatever my mouth may have preached, my body would never deny him. "We have time…"

"Are you…" My voice trailed off as he bit down on my earlobe, his hot breath ghosting over my heartened skin. "Oh God!"

"Stop fighting me," he ordered, his other hand slipping into my underwear. "Just feel."

"Fuck!" I gasped as his fingers made contact with my throbbing clit. I was already so far gone that, even if Alice, Libby and Esme would have been standing in the doorway right that moment, I wouldn't have had the power to stop him. I _wanted_ him. "The door….." I panted.

"Is locked," he breathed, his fingers speeding up their efforts in tune with my ass grinding into him. "Bella…fuck! I need to taste you….now!"

I whimpered as he withdrew his fingers from my clit, even though I knew the loss was only going to be temporary and replaced by something infinitely better. "I know, darling," he whispered, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he sucked one of his fingers into his mouth. "Fuck…the taste of you, honey….nothing compares to it."

I blushed, not really knowing what to say. 'Thank you' seemed…well, out of order at a time like this and 'come and get it' sounded horribly slutty to me, even considering our current actions. "You can have me," I muttered, finally finding my voice again, "in any way you want."

"And I will never make you regret you offer," he replied, his eyes blazing into mine with honestly and pure love. "I will never make you regret the fact that you chose to spend the rest of your life with me."

"Edward," I whispered, tears forming in the corners of my eyes as his lips brushed against mine, tenderly and cautiously at first before the fire between us crept in and we were making out like a bunch of horny teenagers; hand groping, tongues tangling and moans and pants and muffled whispers of encouragement filling the air around us.

When we separated for a much needed breath Edward's lips started to travel down, kissing, nipping and licking at every bit of exposed skin until he encountered the thin fabric of my top. His body straddled mine as he sat back, his eyes narrowing at the barrier he encountered. "This….," he spoke, the sparks in his eyes and hum of his voice making me squirm underneath him as he fingered the lace trimmings along the neckline, "has got to go."

"Okay," I muttered, lifting my torso off the bed so that he could strip me of any offending fabric.

"Much better," he hummed, his fingers exploring my naked flesh, caressing and manipulating it until my whole body came alight with want and need.

"Please…." I begged, my hips grinding into his in search of friction and in the hope that the friction I thereby caused for him would make him hurry up and finish undressing me already. I needed him inside me, right now, to bring the almost unbearable tension that had built up inside of me to a detonation. "Edward…please…fuck me!"

"So impatient," he chuckled, dipping his tongue into my belly button before dragging it down, excruciatingly slow, until it settle on the waistband of my boyshorts. "So eager…."

"Always," I whispered, a shiver coursing through me as he looked at me, his eyes burning with intensity, before he took the delicate satin in between his teeth and started dragging it down, my hips arching off the bed to accommodate him.

"Too damn slow," he grumbled after a while his hands coming up to finish what his teeth started before he sat back, carelessly flinging my panties somewhere behind him. "God, I love seeing you spread out before me," he grunted, his hands slowly moving over my legs. "You're so beautiful….my Bella."

"Edward…" The love shining out of his eyes was startling and heartwarming at the same time and I swallowed hard, my heart bursting at the seams with the knowledge that _this man_…this loving, wonderful man, was mine. "Make love to me."

"With a all my heart," he whispered before capturing my lips with his. Edward impatiently rid himself of his boxers, his lips never leaving mine, before settling back in between my legs. "Forever," he whispered as he pushed forward, fusing our bodies together.

"Forever," I nodded, my words trailing off in a moan as I felt him fill me up, making me completely in a way only he could.

We took our time loving each other, both of us completely forgetting the world around us as we were lost in our own bubble. At least, that was until……

"Mommy! Daddy!" Libby's shrill voice sounded through the door.

"Noooooo," I groaned, my nails digging into the soft flesh of Edward's shoulders as if keeping him closer could stop the inevitable. I had been so close….Both of us.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Edward hissed, his voice sounding like a desperate plea.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Libby's voice blared through the door, her hands thundering in the thick wood the moment she found out the door was locked. "Wake up! Aunt Alice is getting married today!"

"As if I needed to be reminded," Edward groaned, burying his face in my hair. "I guess this means fun time for the adults is over?"

No answer was required. We both knew that, with Libby standing outside, there was no way we could continue this for now, no matter how much both of us were screaming for release. "I'll make it up to you love," Edward responded to my desperate whimper as he pulled out of me, tenderly kissing my check before he handed me my tank top and went in search of my panties.

We'd definitely be in trouble if Libby caught them handing from the lamp on the dressing table.

"I'll take care of her," I sighed, quickly covering myself up as I silently thanked God Edward had had the presence of mind to lock the door last night. God knew what would have happened if he hadn't... "You go take care of your little problem." I kissed him one last time for good measure as I made my way over to the door where our daughter was still making her presence known.

"You know I'd much rather have you do it," he muttered apologetically against my lips.

"I know," I sighed, trying to create as much friction as I could as I walked the rest of the way to the door. "And we both know I'd much rather be the one to do it but maybe, if the gods favor us, I might be able to join you…."

"God, let's hope so," he groaned, his hand ghosting over my butt as he walked past me and disappeared behind the bathroom door.

"MOMMY!" Libby barked incessantly.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Libby almost came tumbling forward as I opened the door, her hand grabbing my leg at the last moment to keep herself stable.

"Finally," she grumbled, shooting me a killer of a glare.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," I replied, trying not to laugh at the little fireball in front of me. "Mommy was a bit….busy." An explosion right now would kill every chance of Edward and I being able to finish what we started earlier. _And I desperately needed to finish…._

"Aunt Alice says that you should come up to her bedroom as soon as you've had a shower so that she can do your hair and makeup."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Of course." Libby's glare only deepened at the suggestion that she might have misunderstood. "She is going to help me first and I have to get back right now….she's a bit nervous."

"Ah." I figured Alice might have been a bit…on edge on the morning of her wedding. I should have known that my soon to be sister in law would tackle those nerves in the only way she knew how: by making sure everyone looked fabulous for her wedding.

"Uh-huh," Libby nodded, "so will you come as soon as you're ready?"

"She'd better, if she knows what's good for her," Alice voice sounded from above and I looked up to see her standing on the stairs, dressed in a white silk bathrobe and humming like a life wire.

She was definitely on edge this morning.

"Good morning Alice," I greeted. "As soon as I'm done showering and had my breakfast I'm all yours." She moved to interrupt me but I stopped her. "You wouldn't want me to pass out from malnutrition in the middle of the ceremony, now do you?"

"But…." she interjected, her nerves finding an outlet as she bounced on the balls of her feet. It made her look like a diver getting ready for an Olympic dive from the high tower.

"Alice," I sighed. "We've got give or take five hours until we have to be at the park. I know my hair can be a bit uncooperative at times, but it won't take you more than an hour to get it fixed which will leave you roughly four to do your own…." I chuckled, watching as Alice's hand involuntary reached up to her hair, which was now about chin length. "I personally don't think you need all four of them."

"True," Alice sighed dejectedly as she flopped down on one of the steps, looking utterly deflated. "It's just….I haven't slept and I know that if I eat something now, it's only going to come out one way or the other….I wish it were time already."

"I know, honey," I smiled, sitting down next to her while Libby, having ascertained that it was probably safe to go off in search of breakfast, went downstairs. Judging by the sounds and smells drifting up from the kitchen, her grandmother would take care of her. "I know you're impatient to marry Jasper….I know how you feel. Remember when Edward and I got married and you threatened to tie me to my chair if I wouldn't sit still? We all have our ways of dealing with it, just try not to terrorize those around you too much."

"Noted," Alice snorted. "So is there anything useful I can do? And please don't tell me to take a nap or, so help me, I will hurt you."

"You could help me get Masen ready," I suggested. "It would be a good practice for later…."

"Subtle," Alice chuckled. "But I'm afraid my mom's beaten us to it. You know she jumps at every opportunity she gets at changing diapers."

"A movie perhaps?"

"Do you really think I could sit still long enough to watch a movie?" Alice snorted.

"I'll get showered," I sighed defeated. "You can start working on my hair as soon as I'm done."

"Thanks Bella," she smiled, "I know I'm a pain in the ass right now, but I'm so nervous….I keep thinking of everything that can go wrong…..and what if Jasper doesn't show up? What if he got second thoughts last night and decided he'd rather go back to his smelly swamp instead of on honeymoon to Paris with me."

"Alice…."

"I know, I know," she cried, dragging her hands through her hair. "I'm panicking and I should just have a little trust in Jasper…but it's not like he hasn't done that shit before."

"Nope, that wasn't what I was going to say," I chuckled. "I _was_ going to suggest that you call Emmett and make sure Jasper's still in New York and getting ready to marry you."

"Why didn't I think of that?" Alice groaned.

"You were too busy panicking," I grinned. "Why don't I get that shower while you make the call?"

"Okay," she smiled. "But I think my brother might already be done with his…..or at least will have taken matters into his own hands by now. I'm sorry about the cockblocking by the way."

"How did you know?" I gasped, my cheeks heating up. Had we been that loud?

"I didn't," Alice snickered. "But I do now. It wasn't such a wild guess though. Everyone knows that the two of you have been at humping like bunnies ever since you got back from Italy."

"What?"

"You both have that completely satisfied glow two people get when they have lots of hot, steamy sex," she shrugged. "Though this morning…not so much. Enjoy your shower!"

Unfortunately Alice had been right when she said that Edward would be done with his shower by the time I made my way back to the bedroom. I caught him coming out of the bathroom, still hot and steamy and with a towel hanging dangerously low from his hips.

"I thought you were going to wait for me?' I pouted.

"I'm sorry love," he replied with an apologetic smile. "But you were gone so long I was starting to prune."

"I know," I sighed, "and Alice knows what we are up to, anyway."

"What? So she's a psychic now?" he growls.

"Apparently," I snorted. "I better go get showered before she barges in to come and get me."

"I'll keep her out," he chuckled, "but first….how about a kiss?" He held his arms open for me and I took a moment to appreciate the view of his perfectly sculpted chest before I rushed into his embrace, his body still warm and slightly damp from the shower.

"Like you ever have to ask," I purred, lifting my head just in time for him to catch my lips with his.

What was meant to be a sweet, tender kiss got out of hand the minute I felt his tongue stroking against my lips, seeking entrance. "Edward," I moaned, my hands gliding over the naked skin of his back until they settled on his hips, pulling him closer towards me.

"Fuck it," he groaned, our tongues battling for dominance. "I want you. Here. Now. I need you, Bella." He pushed the fabric of my tank up to reveal my breasts, his hands touching, stroking, kneading until all I could do was moan his name in sweet surrender.

"Stop...talking," I panted, almost tearing the soft terry cloth away from his hips and lifting my hands up in the air so that he could get rid of my top, my hips already trying to wriggle their way out of my pajama bottoms and underwear.

"Hold on," he grunted as he lifted me in the air, my legs and arms wrapping around his body to keep myself elevated as Edward crossed the room in firm strides before depositing me on top of the nearest dresser, his eyes gliding over my body as he did. "God, I love you so much!"

"Edward," I moaned, crushing my lips to his, my voice trailing off in a whimper as I felt his hard cock rub against my wetness. "Take me…."

His eyes bore into mine as he entered me in one powerful thrust, our hips crashing together with the force of his actions. I caught the intensity of his gaze, my body trembling with the force of it, before my eyes rolled into the back of my head with the sheer bliss of Edward filling me, claiming me…taking me. "More!" I cried out, my legs pulling him closer and my fingers digging into his shoulders in a desperate attempt to find what I needed. "Harder…."

"Fuck, Bella," he hissed his eyes shooting up to mine in surprise at my words as he sped up his movements, his forehead leaning against mine, as our bodies moved in a frantic pace, seeking gratification as well as offering it up in abundance. "I can't….." His hand reached in between us, finding my swollen, slick bundle of nerves and manipulating it in order to give me what he was so close to taking for himself.

"Edward!" I cried out, my body speeding towards its release with a thundering force, my head slamming back against the wall as I felt my body tense up before erupting in ecstasy, Edward following me over the edge only seconds later, calling out my name as he released inside me.

"Are you okay?" he panted, his head leaning heavily on my shoulders as we both tried to recover from our tryst.

"My head's a little sore," I managed to croak in between deep breaths, rubbing what was promising to become an almighty bump on the back of my head, "but other than that….fabulous."

"I think I might need another shower," he chuckled, kissing my shoulder as he pulled out of me. "Wanna join me?"

"Lead the way, MacDuff!" I snorted, snuggling into his hold as he carried me to our bathroom.

I didn't bother to put on real clothes after I got out of the shower, my body still humming in contentment from the attention Edward had lavished upon it, I knew Alice would keep me hostage in the guest bedroom until it was time to change into my wedding outfit and I was very sure sweats would suffice for the beautification program she had set up to me. Not that she would agree with me though….

"You look happy," Edward smiled as I sat on the bed and watched him get dressed.

"And that surprises you?" I snickered. "I mean…who wouldn't be after the things we have been doing?"

"It's not just that," he chuckled, "though I'm flattered that you seem to think so. It's like life is agreeing with you again."

"It really is." It wasn't until the words left my mouth that I realized how true they were. That heavy feeling, which had followed me around for half of my life, was slowly starting to dissipate and it made me feel more at ease and more comfortable with myself and the world around me than I guess I had ever felt in my whole life. "I'm living the life I've always dreamed of. I've got a job that's equal parts challenging and fulfilling, a family who – for the most part – loves me and accepts me just as I am, warts and all, two wonderful children who never cease to amaze me and a husband who appears to be send to me by God himself. I have everything to live for….everything to be happy about and so I've finally decided not to dwell on the bad things, the thing that can't be changed, and just enjoy myself."

Edward's arms were around me before I had even registered that he had moved and he let out a deep breath as he squeezed me tight. "When did you get so wise?"

"Can't breathe!" I wheezed, taking a deep breath myself as he loosened his hold on me, a cute, apologetic blush tainting his cheeks. "And I don't know…it might be the day I decided that love was more important to me than fear or doubts or everything else the outside world has thrown at us…..it was the day I saw you standing on Emmett's doorstep."

"You are my life, Bella," he sighed, burying his face in my hair again. "Without you I could never be happy."

"I feel the same," I muttered, sighing in contentment. "Which – I guess – is why we belong together." We stayed that way for a while, before the sounds and smells coming from downstairs started to pull at our stomachs and our hearts.

"Let's go downstairs," Edward chuckled after my stomach let out a loud rumble. "And just hope Alice doesn't spot you on the way down….you kind of took your time on that shower."

"And who's fault was that?" I chuckled, squealing as Edward picked me up and raced down the hallway and the stairs with me holding onto him for dear life. "I think it's safe now," I chuckled. "You can put me down."

"If I have to," he pouted, grabbing my hand as soon as he had made sure I was safely back on solid ground, a loud squeal coming from the kitchen disrupting our moment. "Let's save the old folks from our dear daughter before she does any permanent damage!"

"I'll tell her you said that!" I teased but when we turned the corner into the kitchen I found out just how near the truth he had been when I spotted Libby sitting on the kitchen counter, the tip of her tongue sticking out from between her lips as she tried to flip a pancake in the air while Esme looked on with equal parts humor and resignation.

I could understand the last sentiment. It was hard to deny Libby anything even when, judging from the look of my poor kitchen, this wasn't the first pancake to end it journey crashing onto the floor with a loud splat.

"Aww," Libby pouted. "I wanted to get this one right….Can I try again?"

"How about we get the kitchen cleaned up first?" Esme suggested, handing Libby a wet towel to clean up the mess on the floor. "Maybe you can try again tomorrow."

"But mom will never let me do this," she growled.

"And this shows just how right I am," I chuckled, smiling at the scene in front of me. "Good morning."

"It is, isn't it," Carlisle smiled, his eyes gliding over our clasped hands and smiled with a knowing smirk. "But something tells me the two of you already knew that."

"Of course they did, grandpa!" Libby chuckled. "It's Aunt Alice's wedding day!"

"You're completely right, honey," Carlisle grinned as my cheeks took on that so, so familiar shade of vermillion.

"Here, Bella," Esme chuckled, handing me a steaming cup of coffee and a cream cheese bagel. "You'd better go up right now. Alice was here just now and I think she might not have been too happy about the fact that you still hadn't finished your shower." The lights of mischief were dancing in her eyes, leaving me in no doubt of what she thought had been the reason behind my tardiness.

Dear lord! Couldn't anyone keep a secret in this house?

"You'd better go up and face the music, love," Edward chuckled, his kiss goodbye almost making my knees buckle out from underneath me. If his parents hadn't know what we'd been doing a couple of minutes ago, they sure did now. "I'll make sure everyone is ready to go when you get back."

**xXx**

**Edward Cullen**

"Do you want a pancake daddy?" Libby beamed at me as soon as I settled down in an empty chair.

"I don't know, honey," I teased. "I don't want one that's been on the floor…."

"Like I would make you eat that!" Libby huffed, throwing the dirty towel into the sink. "You're not being very nice this morning."

"I'm sorry, angel," I chuckled, trying to zone my dad out as he muttered something under his breath sounding like 'I bet he was very nice to your mommy just now'. "I'd love some pancakes. Did you make them for me?"

"Uh-huh," Libby nodded. "And for granddad as well."

"I'm sure they are lovely," my father smiled, holding a chair out for Libby and for Esme as they joined us at the table.

With Alice otherwise occupied we were able to enjoy a relatively quiet breakfast, though I noticed that my mom hardly ate anything. Judging by her movements she was every bit as nervous as Alice was, though time and experience had taught her to hide her feelings better.

"Shouldn't you be up there with Alice and Bella?" I asked as I watched her dissect her pancake with an almost surgical precision.

"There's not much I can do now," she shrugged. "I promised to help her get ready, but that won't be for a few more hours." She chuckled, looking at the mess on the counter behind her. "At least I have a kitchen to clean up. It will keep me busy enough….When will you be picking Rosalie up?"

"As soon as I've finished breakfast," I replied. Rose had been adamant that she wanted to spend the night at her house, thereby blocking all ideas of 'penis free zones' and whatnot that might have taken post in my sister's brain. She had been very clever about it, eliminating any complaints Alice might have had by saying that she would be of much better use making sure Jaspers feet were warm and toasty on the eve of their wedding. Not even Alice had had anything to say against _that_.

"Can I come?" Libby asked.

"Sure. Why don't you go put on your coat and tell mommy and Aunt Alice where we are while I go get the car?"

"Okay," she nodded, her small feet thundering up the stairs only seconds later.

It was only during the short drive over to Emmett's that it finally hit me: my little sister was getting married today.

Up until that moment I had successfully blocked out all thoughts pertaining to the wedding and all parties involved, but with white, frilly stuff almost coming out of my ears, that was no longer an option.

The funny thing was that I still didn't know where I stood in all this.

Part of me was happy that Alice had finally found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and that she was happy. Sure, this morning she might not have been in a particularly blissful state but there was no denying that since she and Jasper had sorted through their issues, she had been calmer and happier than she had been in a very long time. It had always been her dream to find someone she loved and spend the rest of her life loving him and I could see that she had no doubt as to who that man was.

Which was what was causing my doubts because as sure as Alice might have been about the man she would promise herself to today, I still wasn't.

Sure, Jasper had been nothing but decent ever since the two of them had gotten back together, staying quietly in the back most of the time, except when Alice was proudly parading him in front of all of their assorted relatives and friends and giving his wife to be free range in organizing the wedding. As if he would have had any real input if he hadn't….

If I didn't know better I would have said that he was a great guy and that my sister was lucky to have him…But he'd left her and all but broke her heart, and for that I could never forgive him. Not even if it made me the biggest damn hypocrite in the world.

I sighed, looking at Libby who was bouncing in her seat with anticipation as we turned into the street where her uncle and aunt lived. With Rose nearing the final stages of her pregnancy she had been busy preparing their home for the little girl that would be arriving in around about two months and Libby had been more than happy to help. After all, she was a big fan of all thinks cute and pink.

Which meant that she had also put in her request for a little sister.

"Daddy?" she purred, giving me the puppy dog glance. It was trait she'd picked up from her mother, though Bella had failed to teach her that green eyes were a little less suitable for it than brown ones.

"Sweetheart, we've been through it," I chuckled as I parked the car, watching her expression go from hopeful to frustrated. "This is a baby you're talking about, not Chinese takeaway. You can't just order it….Things have to be just right for everyone if mommy is going to get pregnant again."

"But I thought everything was?" she asked, a small amount of fear seeping into her voice.

"They are, honey," I sighed, making sure to hold her just a little while longer as I helped her out of the car. "You have nothing to worry about. But that doesn't mean things are right for another baby."

"Hmm," Libby frowned, obviously needing some time to digest all of that. "Okay."

I let out a sigh of relief as she turned her attention to Sammy, the doorman to Emmett and Rose's building and pressing the elevator button. It wasn't like Bella and I hadn't thought about having another baby…in fact, with Masen growing up faster than the eye could see I sometimes felt myself longing to bring another baby into our little family. But we both knew the timing wasn't right.

With the fellowship prolonging the hectic lifestyle I had lived as a resident I knew I wouldn't be able to spend as much time at home as I would like to and with Bella only just getting back on her feet…The last thing she needed right now was another baby, especially not when she would be returning to work in just a couple of weeks.

We were still young, I kept telling myself that. I a couple of years when I had established myself as a heart surgeon somewhere and Bella had earned her doctorate we would have plenty of time to add to our family.

And in the meantime we could always practice…..A lot.

It was a good thing that Libby was distracted with getting to her uncle and aunt's house as soon as possible because otherwise she may have caught on to my satisfied chuckle when I thought about how our love life had evolved every since Bella and I had gotten back together. It wasn't just that the events in the past had brought us closer together than we ever had been, it had also removed the invisible obstacles that had been standing in our way. We had both grown over the last couple of months. Granted, Bella's growth process had been much faster than mine, but I was catching up to her as well now that the past few weeks had proved to me that – with some difficulty – I could find the ideal balance between being a family man and a heart surgeon. For both of us, the loss of petty insecurities and the knowledge that at the foundation of our relationship lay a strength that could not be measured in human terms had allowed us to love with abandon; passionately, devotedly and completely.

In the meantime Libby was ringing the doorbell as if the world was coming to an end, bouncing up and down impatiently until Jasper finally opened the door, looking like he'd gotten about as much sleep last night as my sister.

"Aunt Rose!" Libby hollered as she ran into the apartment after a quick hello to her soon to be uncle. "Can I see the baby's room?"

I heard a set of chuckled coming from somewhere inside, telling me that she had found the ones she was looking for. Which left me with Jasper….

"Edward," he nodded, leaning against the doorframe.

"Jasper."

"How is Alice?" he asked. "Emmett told me she sounded pretty on edge."

"She is pretty on edge," I snorted. "But what would you expect? She has been planning this day ever since she could spell the word wedding."

"True."

"She'll be fine though," I shrugged. "But frankly I fear for my loved ones. They are the ones who are in real danger right now. So how are you holding up?"

"If you're wondering if I've got a taxi and a ticket to Hawaii on standby then don't worry," Jasper answered. "I made the mistake of walking out on your sister once, I'm not stupid enough to do it again."

"Well, that's what I'm not so sure about." I was well aware that if Bella were here she would probably call me every name under the sun, and what was worse….I wasn't entirely sure if I didn't deserve her wrath.

"Look," he used his foot to push himself away from the doorframe, his tall, lanky posture casting a shadow over me as he stood before me, "I know you're her big brother and that you're only doing this to protect her and, really, I respect that, but I love her and no matter what you say to me or to her, I'm going to marry her today in front of God and everyone."

"I know that."

"But do you also know how much Alice craves for your blessing in all of this?"

"I gave her…"

"Come on, Edward," he snorted. "You and I both know that when you gave her your blessing it was half-assed to say the least and Alice knows that too." He took a breath, calming himself before he continued. "Alice deserved to be perfectly happy today, of all days, and as her future husband I am partly responsible for making it so. So I'm asking….for today, could you just pretend to like me? For Alice's sake?"

His honesty made it almost impossible to hate him at that moment and – much to my own shock – I felt myself starting to like the guy again. After all, he was a decent guy, or he had been before he blew it. He'd been there for Bella when she needed him and had offered a shoulder to both lean on and cry on when she was going through one of the roughest patches in her life. Emmett trusted him, which was saying something, and both Libby and Masen adored him. He'd been a pretty decent boyfriend to my sister (especially considering the lowlifes she dated before she and Jasper became attached at the hip) and a good friend to me….and I found myself wondering why on earth I was stubbornly holding a grudge. "I guess I could do that," I nodded. "And I really respect you coming out and telling me this."

"Just looking out for my lady's happiness," he shrugged.

We were spared more uncomfortable moments by the arrival of Emmett, his huge, bulk already clad immaculately in a back suit. "Edward! I'm amazed the little sprite let you out of the house this close to the wedding!" he boomed as he walked into the foyer.

"She had to," I chuckled. "If she wouldn't, Rose never would have arrived on time."

"True," he nodded before breaking out into a huge grin, "so how are you guys feeling knowing that, out of the three of us, I truly am the best man?"

"Good God!' Rose gasped, clutching onto the doorframe for support as she emerged from the living room. "Do you even think that's funny?"

"At least you seem to think so," Emmett hollered, helping her into her coat with a care and love that showed that, though they may have had a funky way of showing it, they did really love each other. "See ya at the wedding babe. I'll be the handsome man in black."

"That narrows it down," Rose snorted. "You do know that most of the men in the wedding party are wearing black do you?"

"Joke all you can, sugar lips," he chuckled, winking at Libby, "I know you've only got eyes for me."

"Emmett Swan, you DID NOT just call me sugar lips!" Rose barked and were it not for Jasper pulling her away at the last moment, I knew she would have manhandled her husband.

"Come on, Rose," I offered. "We don't want to face the wrath of Alice by arriving late, do we?"

"I guess not," she huffed, still glaring at her husband as she followed me out of the apartment.

Final preparations for the wedding were in full swing by the time we got back home, Libby and Rose disappearing up the stairs almost as soon as she walked in, my dad ushering me into the safety of the living room as soon as I came down from the bedroom where I'd changed into my suit. Us men passing the remainder of the time there, rather comfortable and out of the line of fire; Carlisle and I reading the newspaper and Masen playing with his blocks in the playpen.

"I think it's show time," my dad remarked after a while as the sound of horses hoofs drifted in from the streets. "Go tell Alice that the carriages are here."

"Why do I have to go up there?"

"You're young," he deadpanned, "they'll probably spare you and if not…your smile is much cuter than mine is." He picked up his newspaper again, effectively ending our conversation. "Now off you go!"

The guest bedroom was still a flurry of activity, lace and other frilly stuff flying everywhere as the women stood huddled around Alice like football players before the decisive kickoff. Their glared when I scrapped my throat made me move a little closer to the door, wishing my son had been old enough to do the honors. They would have spared him, innocent little cherub that he was.

"What is it, Edward?" Alice asked, her voice filled with desperation.

"Erm…the carriages are here?"

"So soon?" All color left her face as she shot a panicked look at the window. "Are they early? They have to be. I'm not ready yet….How can they be early? Don't they have clocks on those things?" I heard the distinct sound of a foot stomping on the wooden floor as Alice erupted into fits of nerves before settling her glare back upon me. "Tell them to park their ponies and wait until I am ready."

"I don't think that's an option, Ally," I tried. God knew she had had to go through enough trouble to get permission for the carriages to leave the precincts of Central Park before 11PM to pick us up in the first place. I didn't think they'd turn a blind eye to us congesting traffic any further.

"I. Don't. Care," she hissed, the now anger-flushed skin of her face standing out against her white dress and bare shoulders. "Fix this, Edward. Or you can kiss your cojones goodbye!"

"Easy there, pixie!" Rose chuckled as Bella tried to explain to Libby what those were without getting too descriptive and Esme tried to calm my sister down. "I think Bella might have plans for those. How about we go clear this joint and go on ahead while Esme stays behind to take care of the finishing touches? I'm sure they could give us ten minutes if I worked my charm on them…."

"Thanks, Rose," Alice cried, her anger deflating in front of me. "Finally! _Someone_ who's got half a brain!"

I was just happy to get the hell out of that room, clutching my wife and child as I ushered them into safety and outside, where Carlisle was already striking up a conversation with the two groomsmen while half the neighborhood had come out of their homes to gawk at the carriages.

"Horses!" Libby squealed, pulling her hand out of mine to run towards them.

"Carful honey!" Bella yelled after her. "I think Aunt Alice will hurt you if you get that dress dirty."

Libby stopped still the moment she caught the words, her jade green dress swaying around her body with the sudden movement. "You're right," she pouted. "Bu I really want to pet them!"

"How about we just go and take a seat?" I suggested, looking for approval from one of the coachmen before I lifted her into the carriage. "You can look at the horses from there."

By the time Bella, Libby and Masen had scrambled into the carriage to take their seat Rose had finished chatting with the coachmen and joined us, Charlie in tow, the six of us setting off in the direction of Central Park while Carlisle waited patiently for Alice and Esme to be ready.

"I'm so excited!" Libby squealed, her body squirming in her seat as she tried to see as much things as she could. "Aunt Alice looks so pretty. I wonder what Uncle Jasper's wearing."

"I think pretty much the same thing your dad and granddad are wearing," Rose snickered. "Men have it easy. They can just yank their suit our of the closet and be done with it. We, on the other hand…."

"True," Bella giggled, her carefully curled and pinned up hair bouncing around her head as she laughed. She looked like an angel, only more beautiful. The dark blue of her figure hugging dress making her skin look like porcelain while her brown hair and the ever present blush made her more approachable…more _real_.

"You look fabulous, by the way." I whispered in her ear as I felt her shiver beside me.

"T-thanks," she whispered, suddenly very interested in what Libby and Rose were doing. "We, that is Alice and I, thought it might be time for me to try something a little more…close fitting."

"I couldn't agree more," I nodded, letting my eyes glide over her body appreciatively before brushing my lips over the part of her shoulder the dress had left bare.

"Charmer!" she huffed though her actions spoke a different language as she moved closer, our bodies touching all over as I wrapped my arm around her. It was how much of the rest of our ride through the park passed, our peace only disrupted by the squeals and laughter of our children and the mocking gagging sounds Rose made when she spotted us.

"We're there!" Rose and Libby squealed almost in perfect synchronicity as we reached the little Victorian gazebo that looked out over the lake, which was going to be the scene of my sister's wedding today.

**xXx**

**Bella Cullen**

I blushed as I felt Edward's eyes glide over my body while we walked to our seats. I knew the dress was a winner as soon as I saw it and with Alice taking away any hesitance I might have had at the fact that the dress looked pretty much like it had been painted onto my body, I had decided to man up and just go for it.

And boy was I glad of that now!

Jasper was already waiting by the gazebo, looking as if he couldn't decide whether he wanted to throw up or just drown himself in the nearby lake and be done with it altogether. I had never seen him so nervous before.

"Hey Jazz, how are you holding up?" I tried.

"Do you need to ask?" Emmett snickered from his place on the steps of the gazebo. "The poor schmuck looks like he's just had his death warrant handed to him. Which isn't so far from the truth is you'd ask me….."

"I heard that!" Rose huffed.

"Hi there, pretty mamma!" he grinned, flashing the full force of his dimples at her. He knew those dimples would get Rose on her knees in just about any situation. Quite literally. "Don't you scrub up nice!"

"Go do something useful before I forget that this dress is far too expensive to get it dirty," Rose hissed, looking two words away from kicking my brother's ass.

"She looks like an angel," I tried again, trying to zone out the bickering of my relatives. "Curses like the devil, though."

"That's my Alice," Jasper chuckled, his nerves temporarily disappearing. "So she is coming?"

"Did you ever doubt that?" I snorted. "Tell me, Jazz. Out of the two of you, who is most known for running when things get touch?"

"Owch!" he chuckled. "But I guess I deserved that!"

"The place looks amazing," I went on, glad that my distraction was working. "It must have been so much work, dragging all the chairs and equipment over here through the park."

"I'm sure it was," he mused, looking out over the lake. "Not that it would have stopped Alice."

"True. But how she must have envisioned that the place could look like this…." I let my eyes glide over the scene in front of me, the slightly worn look of the gazebo perfectly complemented by little arrangements of white roses and lavender placed for fragrance and looks, the wooden folding chairs arranged so that everyone could see the bridal couple and watch out over the lake. It would be a small wedding, but that didn't mean that it wouldn't have Alice's immaculate taste stamped all over it.

"The weather has been quite helpful too," Jasper nodded after a while, his eyes and ears now trained on the distance from where Alice could be arriving any minute now.

"I think it's time for me to take my seat," I smiled, patting him on the back. Most of the guests were already seated, Rose, Charlie, Libby and Edward with Masen on his lap taking up poll position on the front row with three empty chairs beside them. "It's going to be fine, Jazz," I chuckled, watching what color he had left in his face vanish again as the distant sound of hoofs started getting louder. "Just say 'I do' when the priest ask you something and try not to puke on any living objects. Oh and if you've got that down, try to enjoy it too. It is, after all, your wedding."

"Thanks, Bella," he sighed, frowning at the place where his parents were looking stoically out in front of them. It looked like they were going to a funeral. His mother, a mousy woman at the best of times, made even more mousy by her dark grey dress and her father looking every bit the stern ex-military that he was. At least they came….I knew all too well that their relationship with their son was strained at best. They were one of the reasons Jasper had shied away from matrimony. It was his greatest fear that he would one day turn into them.

It was amazing, how every nerve vanished from Jasper's frame the moment he spotted Alice walking towards him to the tones of Elis Presley's _I can't help falling in love with you_. His smile was so wide it was in danger of cutting his face into two and it was perfectly matched by Alice's as she all but danced up to him on the arm of her father.

She looked like a beautiful fairy, her beautiful dress flaying out in layers of silk and her hair styled in smooth, short curls with pins laced with tiny white flowers keeping it out of her face. It was simple and elegant, just like everything else, but also very _Alice_.

The ceremony breathed that same atmosphere, both of them opting for the traditional vows instead of writing their own, recited calmly but with a love that filled the air around us as they stood in front of us, pledging their undying love and devotion to each other.

I could feel Edward taking my hand when the vows were exchanged, his finger stroking my wedding band before he brought it to his lips as kissed it tenderly. He never spoke, or even looked at me, but that was fine. No words or looks were needed, his actions spoke of his love and his devotion to me.

A love and devotion I could only endeavor to match.

A chorus of cheers broke out, Emmett and Libby drowning out most of the other wedding guests, as the priest declared Alice and Jasper man and wife and Jasper kissed his wife enthusiastically.

"Does he have to overdo it like that?" Edward groaned at the public display of affection. "I mean, I know he loves her but he doesn't have to rub it in our faces!"

"I can remember a wedding where the groom all but licked his wife's face off, much to the 'delight' of _her_ brother," Rose snorted, "his name beginning with an 'e' and ending with 'dward' .

"Yeah, yeah," Edward grumbled, as we joined the line behind the bride and groom as they walked toward the road where a row of carriages was already waiting to take us to the Boathouse where the reception would take place.

The laidback atmosphere carried with us into the rest of the day. We ate, we laughed and we had fun, the forty or so guests mingling easily with each other because most of them were already well acquainted. It reminded me a bit of my own wedding, though this experience – without the stress, the nerves and the dress that made moving almost impossible – might have been a bit more enjoyable to be honest, even though I wouldn't have wanted to miss the outcome of that day for the world. _Sometimes it was better to be a spectator than a participant._

The party ended late in the afternoon, shortly after we had waved goodbye to Alice and Jasper as they set out on their honeymoon to Paris, Felix and Emmett betting on how long it would take for Alice to 'get knocked up', much to Edward's chagrin. I swear, he was having more difficulty with this than Carlisle was! Though, when you looked at their history together, that wasn't so strange.

Edward and Alice had always had a very strong bond and they had been there for each other, through good times and bad, which made them fiercely loyal and protective of each other. _As I had firsthand experience with. _

Since the evening air was warm and daylight was still upon us, we decided to go for a walk, allowing Libby to let off some steam after she'd spend the majority of her day indoors and us to walk off some of the food we had eaten.

"I love you," I smiled, watching as Libby took her brother by the hand to keep him from falling as they walked a few steps in front of us.

"I know." Edward's smile resembled mine as he brought my hand to his lips, kissing each of my knuckles before he used it to pull me towards him and capture my lips with his. "But you know I love you more," he muttered against them.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Libby squealed, thus forcing us to break apart. "Look! I can see the statue of _Alice in Wonderland_!"

"Don't run too fast, honey!" I chuckled. "Please think about your brother. His legs are a lot shorter than yours!"

"Oops!" she giggled, hoisting Masen, who was having considerable difficulty keeping up with his big sister, up in her arms, his squeals filling the air as she ran the rest of the way.

"Do you think she'll ever change?" Edward mused as we watched her climb onto the huge mushroom and pet the Cheshire Cat, her brother watching her from the ground with a curiosity bordering on awe.

"I hope not," I replied. "She's perfect the way she is."

"Hmm," Edward nodded. "She's just like her mother in that way."

"I beg to differ!" I chuckled, standing up on tiptoe to kiss him. "She is every bit like her daddy in that respect."

"Mama!" Masen cooed as soon as he spotted us standing behind him, his wobbly legs barely keeping him upright as he bolted towards us. "Look!" His eyes were huge as he pointed in the direction of his sister who was at that moment lodged in a deep conversation with the statue of Alice.

"I know, darling!" I chuckled, "and in a few years you'll be old enough to go up, just like your sister." He pouted, obviously having derived that for now I wasn't going to have my cute little angel standing so high above the ground, not even with his big sister to keep an eye on him. "But for now, we're just going to look at all the nice things on the ground."

It had gotten a bit chilly by the time Libby was done inspecting each and every surface of the sculpture. Masen had retired to his stroller after he had made his own tour of the statue and fallen asleep soon after. It had been amazing to watch his tiny hand glide over the bronze, touching and feeling the different textures and shapes as he wobbled around the base of the giant mushroom.

"How about we head on home?" Edward asked as he helped Libby down. "I'm sure grandma and grandpa are already there and I did think I heard grandma mention she had a present for both of you…."

"A present?" Libby squealed, waking her little brother up with the sound. "Why didn't you tell me before."

"It seemed like you were deep in conversation with the Mad Hatter over there. I didn't want to disturb you…." Edward shrugged, barely able to mask his humor. "So you want to go home?"

"U-huh," Libby nodded, her head almost snapping off her neck with the ferocity of the movement.

"Let's go then," Edward chuckled, snaking one hand around my waist, his other holding on to Libby's hand. "Let's go home."

And just like that, we walked away into the sunset.

* * *

**It seemed fitting to have the wedding of Alice at exactly the same spot where I came up with the storyline for **_**My Mistakes**_** almost two years ago. It's a place made of magic….so beautiful. Needless to say I'm a huge freakin' blubbering mess right now. Well, at least we'll still have the epilogue….**

**Look out for the first chapter of my new story **_**Into the Wild**_** by the end of this week. It's going to be completely different from this one and a bit more suspenseful. I like to think of it as a fairytale for grownups (though more along the lines of The Village than those of Sleepy Hollow. I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night if I had headless horsemen running around in my story though it does open up nice opportunities to get rid of some annoying characters……..hmmm…….). **

**If fairytales aren't your cup of tea but you do like my writing then you'll have to wait for a couple of weeks for the first chapter of **_**Past Imperfect**_**, my next story and the one I'm so excited about it's not even funny anymore. It will probably start posting late March, early April (or before, if I can't contain myself. Which is very likely)**

**Loved it/ hated it….please let me know what you thought of this chapter.**


	41. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Epilogue**

_**December 2026**_

"Are you sure Riley is just a friend?" My mother asked, the smile on her face letting me know that, as far as she was concerned, the truth was pretty much self-evident.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I grumbled. I should have known. Asking your best friend to accompany you to a highbrow event like this was bound to bring up questions like these. Not that I'd expected my mom to be the one to ask.

Et tu, mother?

"He looks at you…." She mused. "A lot."

"He has to look at something."

"Believe me, honey," she chuckled. "There's looking at a pretty centerpiece and there's looking at the person who's the center of your existence. "

I frowned, looking at Riley who, at that moment, seemed to see something very interesting in the boring arrangement of flowers and Christmas ornaments at the center of our table. God, I hoped he hadn't heard us talking. There'd be no living with him if he thought I fancied him. "He's just a friend, mom!" I hissed. "Leave it alone."

"O-kay." Her voice was dripping with irony as she studied my face, the tell-tale blush telling her everything she needed to know. Of all the things I could have inherited from her, why did it have to be the blushing? I would have been happy to trade in my pretty stable equilibrium if it meant that just once I could tell a lie without it being so damn apparent. Damned puberty! I'd been fine before the age of twelve, only blushing when I wanted to, but it was like the minute my boobs had started to grow I had completely lost control over my face. I loved y boobs, I really did, but sometimes the trade hardly seemed fair.

"Just be careful around your father," my mom added, after she had watched my face shift from mortified to annoyed with barely concealed amusement on her part. "You know how he gets when he thinks his little girl's virtue is in danger of being compromised."

"It might be a bit too late for that," I chuckled.

"Don't rub my face into it," mom sighed, shaking her head. "I might not be as protective of you as your father is, but that doesn't mean I like the fact that my little girl is all grown up and venturing into the realm of physical encounters."

"I love how you dodged the words 'sex' mom," I snickered, watching as my mom's face broke out in red. "And relax, I'll take it easy on you." My mom and I had always had a very open and close relationship, which had made it very hard for me to leave the nest when I traded the comfort of the Manhattan brownstone I'd grown up in for the communal digs at Dartmouth, though I still shared every important moment in my life with her and she with me. It must have had something to do with the fact that we'd spend the first five years of my life together, just the two of us. The bond that had been forged back then had never been broken, nor did either of us want it to be.

"Speaking of your father…." Her voice trailed off and I followed her eyes as they narrowing in on the tall, distinguished figure of my dad who, by the looks of it, was all but sexually harassed by some two-bit whore on the dance floor.

"I thought he was getting us drinks?" I snorted.

"You know your father," mom sighed. "He can't even cross a room without some desperate tart throwing herself at him, especially not when he's wearing a tux."

"Yeah, but it would be nice for you to attend a party without having to beat them off him, would it not?"

"True," she giggled, getting up from her chair, "But, as you know, I always like to make myself useful….Please excuse me."

"Go get 'em!" I snickered, waving her off.

She looked so beautiful, almost regal, as her slender frame mixed in with the rest of the high and mighty of New York's medical society, and all of that without the help of plastic surgery or whatever other crap most of the women in this room used.

I knew it had taken my mom a lot of time and a shitload of effort to grow into her role as a surgeon's wife and that deep down she still hated functions like these with a burning passion, but the people in this room would never be able to tell. The way she almost floated across the room, making just about every male head turn as if they were sunflowers and she the sun, the smooth silk of her dress flowing after her as if it were yet another admirer, made it seem as if she'd never done anything else in her life.

But then again, she'd had years of practice. With my dad being the top heart surgeon at one of the country's top hospitals for heart surgery (which I was rather proud of, actually, even if it meant that I always had to share my dad with the sick and ailing) she'd had to sit through more of these kind of functions and boring dinner parties than there were days in a year.

I stifled a yawn, thinking about how boring this shit must be for her. I mean, it was okay if you had to do this once a year, like I had to, but I could imagine that the entertainment value would soon go away if you had to spend an evening forcing fake smiles at people with too much money at least once a month.

"Go mom!" I whispered to myself as I watched her, the 'I did not get where I am today by taking crap from anyone so get your filthy paws off my husband before I break them'-glare firmly in place as she neared the two-faced hussy who was still trying to put the moves on my dad.

"Good God, not another one!" I heard a voice beside me groan. "You'd think that by now those skanks would have realized that dad is off the market!"

My baby brother.

"You're just jealous," I snickered, ruffling my brother's hair. "And you have a right to be…I mean, having to bow down to the superior looks and moves of your own dad must be quite a killer on your ego!"

"Fuck you!" he grunted, straightening his tie. At seventeen my baby brother was about as annoying as they came but the worst of it was that his good looks and success with the ladies had gotten to his head, no matter what my mom and dad tried to tell him about respecting girls and waiting for the right one. I swear, the thing was as big as a fucking Skippy ball these days. The little git deserved a good crushing rejection to put him in his place, though unfortunately with his taste of brainless bimbo's who's mental abilities flew out of the window the minute he flashed his stupid little smirk, that wasn't going to happen too soon.

"No thanks, incest just isn't my thing."

"As if you'd ever get a man crazy enough to stick his dick inside you," he snorted. "There's no amount of liquor that could get a guy drunk enough to do that!"

"Talk all you can, copper top," I growled back, "but out of the two, I think I prefer a reputation for modesty to one of having…how do it put it neatly…less than discriminate ways when it comes to the other sex."

"And there she goes with the manwhore stuff again," he groaned, rolling his eyes at me.

"Says the guy who, just fifteen minutes ago, tried to sneak off with some easy piece of ass," I snickered. "How did you find the broom closet?"

"Dingy and cobwebbed, just like yo……."

"Children," a deep voice boomed behind us in a fatherly soothing tone. "We are here tonight to celebrate Christmas…you know? The birth of our savior and all the stuff like piece on earth and so forth that comes with it? And even if ya don't….Remember that your sister has got excellent blackmailing material on you. She changed your fucking diapers after all!"

"Whatever," Masen huffed, shoving his hands in the pockets of his black tuxedo pants. God! How could something so annoying be related to me? "And before you go all Jimmy Swaggart on our asses you might want to check on the old folks over there." He pointed at the dance floor where it looked like my mom was gearing up to go into battle, the face of the loving mother who'd read me stories every night before I went to sleep traded in for that of the hard-ass university professor who didn't take crap from anyone.

"This might get interesting," Garrett chuckled. As my dad's longtime friend and colleague he must have witnessed similar scenes to the one about to unfold more times than he'd care to remember.

It didn't make the fascination any less as all three of us watched my mom march up to the unsuspecting hussy, plant one hell of a kiss on my stunned dad's cheeks and stare whoreface down until the bitch backed down and scurried off to safety, my mom's glare immediately shifting to my dad who looked equal parts apologetic and smug. It almost made me think he did this shit on purpose just so that he could reap the benefits of post-anger makeup sex.

I made a mental note to wear my i-pod to bed that night because, as cute as it was that my parents still got it on, it didn't mean that I want to listen in on their nighttime activities. Ugh no! As far as I was concerned my mom and dad lived a perfectly platonic life and I was immaculately conceived.

"And another one bites the dust," Garrett grinned, patting Masen on the shoulder before he went off, no doubt in search of his wife who, along with my grandmother, was currently trying to charm the rich and famous into donations for their various charities.

Grandma and granddad had ditched Chicago for New York in the year after aunt Alice had gotten married. With another grandchild on the way, and my granddad up for early retirement, there had been nothing to keep them from joining us, and – as grandma always told us – it had been the best decision they'd ever made.

My grandmother was still a very active woman, even considering she was getting on a bit in age. She and grandpa had devoted their time and money to various charities and, assisted by aunt Kate, ran the Cullen Foundation; a charity dedicated to helping women and children escape the horrors of domestic abuse.

"Well, as nice as this conversation has been, I'm going to go off in search of someone who's company doesn't make me want to insert sharp objects into my eyeballs." It was a good thing that Masen had already taken a few steps away from me because I so would have kicked his ass if he'd been within kicking range.

Aunt Alice would not have appreciated that, not after all the trouble she'd gone through to find me the perfect dress.

She and Uncle Jasper still lived their lives in the fast lane, contrary to my parents. My aunt still had a very successful job as a personal stylist to the rich and famous and not a week went by where some fashion magazine didn't mention her name or featured her picture taken at some fashionable event whereas my uncle divided his time between his job at the Met and Nicholas and Evie, their two children.

Emmett and Rose, my other uncle and aunt, lived a life much more similar to the one I had grown up to. Uncle Emmett still had his chain of gyms with his best buddy Felix for which Aunt Rose did most of the bookkeeping. According to her it was the only thing keeping her sane with six kids running around the house.

Not that that wasn't her own damn fault!

She was happy though. She'd always wanted a big family though I think that in hindsight she might not have volunteered for five boys and only one girl. I had to give Aunt Rose props for stubbornly trying to defeat mother nature in her quest for another baby girl though, even if she'd given up after the birth of Evan Andrew Swan, otherwise known as boy number five.

I looked back at my parents who were dancing together, my father's arms wrapped closely around my mom's slender frame. The hussy had been long forgotten, there was no doubt about that, as was the world around them.

They were so in love, even after years of marriage and God only knew how many challenges and hurdles they'd faced along the way, the amazing example they had thereby set for all four of their children being both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because witnessing a love like that and sharing, as it were, in it every day that I got to spend with them gave me such hope for the future…hope that one day I might find that same kind of love. A curse because I knew that I would never be happy with any kind of boyfriend until I had found the one true love that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Which might explain why I was still single.

I knew they hadn't had it easy though. They had had to fight for their love just like any other couple, maybe even more so. I had seen it firsthand, though I had only learned the finer details years later when the face of the woman who had driven my mother into the brink of insanity and almost destroyed my parent's marriage had graced the cover of just about every newspaper around when she had been found murdered in her LA apartment, the police suspecting involvement of the Russian mafia.

I couldn't say I was too sorry to hear about that. It was time that serpent found out that karma was a bitch.

The whole affair and everything that followed it had its effects on me, there was no denying it. I remembered being scared as hell for a while, seeing my mother reduced to only a shadow of the person she used to be and my dad's face looking worn and desperate. I didn't understand what was going on, only that it was bad. But in the end, it only served to strengthen the bond between my parents and triggered them to face their demons, both together and individually. It just went to show that what didn't kill you, made you stronger.

There had been setbacks though, most of them evolving around my dad and the hours he spend at the hospital. But the most memorable one had been when grandma Renee died a couple of years ago. For as long as I could remember the relationship between my mom and my grandmother had been shaky at best. There had been long periods where they didn't speak to each other, but inevitably my grandmother would always manage to weasel herself back into our lives one way or another and the whole cycle would start again.

I remembered the first time my mom had stood up to her like it were yesterday, though it was now almost sixteen years ago. Renee had made another one of her surprise appearances that day and, as she send me up to my room with some sort of half-asses excuse, I could see that my mom wasn't going to play nice this time. The moment they had disappeared behind the living room door, I had snuck back down and hid in mom's study, where I was able to hear everything my mom said.

I wish I could have seen the gob smacked expression that no doubt graced Renee's face when my mom, instead of giving in as usual, told Renee in no uncertain terms what she thought of her as a person and her capabilities – or better said: lack thereof – as a mother, before she all but chased Renee out of the house the minute that serpent of a woman started to jump to her usual mode of defense.

I wish she would have taken the hint and disappeared out of our lives for good, but apparently Renee got some sick sort of satisfaction out of making everyone feel miserable.

As my mom grew stronger and learned to stand her ground, their fights grew in intensity. Much of it happened outside of my happy little childhood world, but as I got older more and more of what went on between them started to seep through. I think that for my grandmother it was very hard to accept that the girl she had kneaded and managed to influence for twenty odd years had grown into an independent woman. Renee wasn't used to people standing up to her, especially not my mother, and the shock caused her to lash out.

It went on like that until in the end my dad and my uncle had had enough of it and told my grandmother to stay away. It was why the shock of her death had affected my mother so. She thought she had failed her mom and that it had been her mistake that they had never mended their relationship.

It had taken everything my dad, my family and myself could give to bring back her self-confidence after that.

The journey they had made and the challenges they had successfully faced and gotten rid off had been what had inspired me to join my father in the medical field, though not as a surgeon, but as a psychiatrist. It was still early days though since I was nowhere near to completing medical school, but I was determined to make it through.

"You look very contemplative, miss Cullen," a smooth voice purred in my ear. "I wonder what makes you frown on an evening such as this."

"Cut it out, McCord," I warned, using the full force of my pout – a weapon that had helped generations of Cullens get what they wanted – on him. "I am not a patient, nor you a psychiatrist."

"Yet," he grinned, flashing his own secret weapon. "But I intend to remedy that soon enough and I have to say….I'd love to have you on my couch when I do. In fact…I'd love to have you on my couch regardless…"

"Have you been taking lessons from my baby brother?" I smirked, trying to hide my traitorous body's reaction to his words behind my glass of merlot.

"Nope, this one's all mine," he grinned before getting serious again. "So would you?"

"Would I what?"

"Would you go out with me when we get back to Hanover?"

"You mean on a proper date?"

"I'll even buy you flowers."

"Yes. I'd love to." I smiled at him, there was no hiding my blush anymore anyway, so I might as well let him know just how happy I was that finally, after three years of friendship on his part and love on mine, he had finally come to his senses and asked me out.

"Great!" His grin almost blinded me as he reached across the table to grab my hand and place a lithe kiss on top of it. "So, do you wanna dance?"

"Not really," I sighed, "but I'll make an exception for you." It wasn't like I couldn't dance or was crap at it, not that I disliked dancing in anyway. However, with my whole family looking on and my inability to hide my feelings, this was bound to get awkward.

"I'm flattered," he snickered, using the hand he was still holding to pull me to my feet and escort me to the dance floor.

"You should be," I teased, feeling the heat of my dad's eyes on my back. It was like he had a sixth sense for boys trying to hit on his daughters.

Dancing with Riley was surprisingly easy, especially considering his arms around me made my stomach flutter with butterflies. He was a good dancer, his strong arms steering me expertly across the dance floor while his deep blue eyes made me lose track of just about everything around us. That was, until we were disturbed by my mother….of all people.

"Mind if I cut in?" she grinned. "I think it's time for a little tête-à-tête with my future son in law."

"Mom!" I gasped in horror, quickly putting some distance between me and Riley.

"Smooth, Mrs Cullen," he grinned, not at all shocked or even fazed by my mom's comment. "Very smooth."

"Thank you, Mr. McCord," she chuckled. "Now, are you going to lead or will you just keep standing there and let me do all the hard work?"

I hung my head in mortification. It was at times like these when I cursed my mom's psychiatrist for ever helping her transform into the strong, confident woman she'd always been deep down inside.

"Libby?" I turned around to see my dad standing behind me.

"Yes, daddy?" I hoped that by playing the 'daddy's little girl'-card I might get him to back off from my love life a bit, though I had little hope of success.

"Do you know where your brother is? I think it's time we head on home before Carlie and Collin drive your uncle completely insane." As much as I loved my twin brother and sister, they could be quite a handful. My mom had joked that when they were toddlers the only way to keep them from running amuck was to lock them up in their playpen or in their rooms. Of course now that they were thirteen, there was no stopping them whatsoever. They were lovely though, Collin an almost perfect copy of my mom while Carlie took more after my dad.

"I don't know," I answered with a wry smile. "Why don't you try the broom closet? You'd have a bigger chance of finding him in there than anywhere else."

"Have the two of you been fighting again?" he groaned. "Why can't you just get along? You used to adore him…"

"That was before his brains shifted down south, dad," I chuckled. "You know I don't suffer fools gladly." He rolled his eyes at me, but I could see the amusement he was trying to hide. "Will you be safe going off on your own, dad? I'm surprised mom left your side with all of those gold diggers on the prowl around here."

"I'll be fine," he chuckled. "And don't you get smart with me, missy! I know you've been making eyes at that _boy_ all evening."

"He's just a friend dad!" I sighed, though I had to admit that there wasn't that much conviction behind my voice. "That is…if he still wants to be after mom is finished with him."

For a moment dad's glare turned into a satisfied grin as his eyes trailed across the dance floor, only to turn back into their former position when he found my mom who was laughing at some joke Riley must have made. "Yeah, well," he grumbled. "I'm going to sleep with one eye open tonight anyway. Friend or no friend."

"I'm so not afraid of you," I challenged. "Try as you might, you'll never be the bad guy."

"I'll be an absolute monster if someone tries to seduce my little girl," he muttered under his breath.

"I'm not some medieval maiden you need to protect dad," I groaned. "Between Aunt Rose's self-defense training and my own trusty pepper spray no guy is coming within a mile radius if I don't want him to."

"It's that last thing I'm more concerned about, actually," he replied drily.

"Save your speech for Masen when you find him," I chuckled, kissing his cheek. "I think he's more in need of it than I am."

"You might be right," he sighed, looking out for my little brother among the masses.

"When am I not?" I grinned.

Fortunately for him Masen had decided that one grope-session in the broom closet was enough for one night. I mean, he was my brother and I loved him and all, plus I hadn't gone through all that trouble of feeding him his bottles and changing his smelly diapers only to see him slain by the hands of his own dad at the tender age of seventeen. If he managed to get his hormones under control and shake off his manwhoring ways in the next couple of years, he might still turn out to be a decent human being.

There was hope for him yet.

I looked around me as we all piled into the limo for the drive back home, the smiling faces of my family members a testament to my happy childhood and the love they all had for each other. Isaac Newton had once said that if he had seen further than all those who came before him, it was only because he was standing on the shoulders of giants. As I looked at the familiar faces of my friends and family, slumped out and tired after a night of forced smiles and pleasantries, I knew just how true his words had been. They were my giants, the people who had guided and taught me everything I needed to know to function as an individual in this world, along with giving me a sense of comfort and security and love that would forever be the foundation of my strength.

A foundation that could weather any storm.

* * *

_**So. Here we are, at the end of the line, which means that it's time for the ridiculously long AN at the end of the story. **_

_**You can imagine that it is with a very heavy heart that I say goodbye to this story and these characters but I think that for now it has run its course. I know that a lot of you are probably a bit disappointed that the epic showdown between Bella and her mother wasn't a part of the main story (as am I) but it just didn't work. It is my belief that at the end of chapter 40 Bella still wasn't ready to stand up to her mother in a way that would have gotten the message across to Renee and I would have had to force things to fit it into the main story, which was something I wasn't prepared to do. That's not to say that there won't be a closer look into what happened though. I am planning a few outtakes for this story and you can imagine that the showdown, as well as Bella's reaction to the death of her mother (which also happens to be around about the same time the twins were conceived) are amongst them. **_

_**Now that we've come to the end of the line, I want to give thanks to a few people who have been very important to me during the process of writing My Mistakes and Foundations. First of all I wish to thank my beta xparawhorextwerdx for taking time out of her busy schedule to fix my grammar and spelling. Secondly I want to thank my girls from the twilighted thread: Jadsmama, Maplestyle and Ange de l'Aube for their constant support and words of encouragement, even when I was torturing them with all the angst. **_

_**Finally to you, for reading and reviewing this story. I know it's a huge cliché but all of your words of love and even those of critique have helped me and inspired me more than you could ever know.**_

_**It has been an pleasure and a privilege to have you accompany me on this journey and I hope you will embark with me on my new projects. One of those, Into the Wild, has already started posting and the prologue can be found on my profile. The other, Past Imperfect, will probably start posting in a couple of weeks.**_

_**For now, please let me know what you thought of this epi. **_

_**Miss Baby.**_


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